


Lost Too Soon

by foreverbm



Category: Queer as Folk
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-02
Updated: 2008-04-02
Packaged: 2013-06-03 18:30:02
Rating: K+
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4173321/1/
Author URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1355614/foreverbm
Summary: Set in the future. Ben is left alone when the unthinkable happens. Warning: This is a death ficlet.





	Lost Too Soon

I listened to their words trying to understand them

I listened to their words trying to understand them. They were very sorry; there was nothing they could have done. I wanted to say he had appendicitis, how could it end up like this. Did they not understand what I had lost. I muttered something and they left, their eyes not meeting mine. I slumped back in the chair. This wasn't happening; it was just a bad dream. But I knew it wasn't. I stood, moving to the bed. He looked so peaceful; the way he looked when I woke before him and just lay there, taking in his beauty.

I reached out running a finger down his cheek. The coldness of his skin against mine shaking me to the core. I took his hand, rubbing it with mine, thinking I could bring the warmth back into his body just from my touch. I let out a groan at my stupidity. This was not the middle of the night when he woke, complaining about being cold and I took him into my arms, letting the warmth of my body seep into his. This was a coldness that would never leave. I pulled the chair to the bed, sinking into it.

I had had him in my life for 33 years. It wasn't enough, it would never be enough. All the plans and dreams we had made together had been taken from me in a moment of time. The sound of the door opening startled me. I turned to see JR standing there; her beautiful brown eyes that her father had bestowed on her brimming with tears. She took a tentative step then ran to me, almost tripping over the chair. I stood, opening my arms as she collapsed into them, her body shaking with sobs; her tears soaking my shirt.

I didn't have a chance to say goodbye, to tell him how much I loved him she said. I reassured her that he knew. It would take a long time for her to forgive herself for not being here. She moved silently to the bed. I asked her if she wanted to be alone, the look in her eyes was the only answer I needed. I held her hand, thinking that I was not the only one to miss out on so many more years with him. She leaned in, her thick dark hair covering his face for a moment.

When she moved I could see traces of her tears running down his face. I thought that was fitting. I would tell her later that he would live on in her forever; how he never forgot the first time she called him 'Daddy', the amazement he had felt when he watched her take her first steps. How proud he was of her achievements, laughing that she obviously didn't get her brains from him. How her love of comics brought him such pleasure. But this could wait for later, at the moment she was a daughter who had lost her father.

I held her, wishing I could ease her pain but nothing I could say or do could accomplish that. All I could do was be here for her; listen when she wanted to talk; hold her when she needed it. I could never replace Michael in her life; the father daughter bond went deeper than anything I could ever understand. If we had been given time to prepare perhaps it may have made it easier, but it happened so fast. Michael had complained of not feeling well last night; he'd blamed it on his cooking, which had made me laugh.

We had thought no more about it until he had woken in excruciating pain early this morning. Was it only last night his body was wrapped around mine as we slept. He was drenched in sweat, his face flushed and I called an ambulance as I threw on some clothes; rushing down the stairs when it arrived. I had sat in the back, holding his hand, telling him over and over that I loved him as he drifted in and out of consciousness. When we arrived they whisked him away. I paced; sat in a plastic chair; then paced more.

I hadn't seen him again until they had brought me to this room, their explanations meaningless, the only words getting through were the ones I had never wanted to hear.

I must have let out a moan and I felt JR pull away.

"Uncle Ben…."

My eyes cleared and I gave her a reassuring hug. Now was not the time for me to show any weakness. I was about to answer her, when the door flew open. Hunter's large frame filled it, his eyes jumping from us to the bed.

I sat JR in the chair and walked towards him.

"Hunter…." I reached out but he pushed me away, his eyes meeting mine. I didn't know what I had expected to see in them, but the anger that shone from them made me take a backward step, knocking a chair over. The clang of it hitting the floor echoed around the silent room.

He hadn't moved, as if taking a step would turn the nightmarish scene before him into reality.

"What happened?" His voice was harsh and I heard JR's intake of breath at his words.

I dredged what the doctor's had told me from the back of my mind.

"His appendix burst during the night, by the time they got him to surgery peritonitis had set in. They did everything they could….."

"They can fucking keep us alive with drugs but they couldn't save him!" Hunter spat out.

"Hunter….please…"  
"Where you with him…when……"

My mouth was dry and I swallowed before I answered him.

"No."

"You should have been…someone should have been!"

His words hit me like a slap to the face. I knew they came from the anger he felt at the moment. He would regret them later, if he remembered them. They would be forgotten by me.

"Hunter stop!" JR's quiet but firm voice broke the silence. She rose from the chair and walked towards him, taking his hand and led him to the bed.

I watched them in silence then quietly slipped from the room. They needed this time together, to grieve for a father who had loved them without constraint. I closed the door and leaned against the wall in the dimly lit corridor before sliding down it, burying my head in my hands.

I don't know how much time had passed when I felt a hand touch my shoulder.

I looked up at Hunter, the anger in his eyes replaced by the pain I knew were reflected in mine. I stood, wrapping my arms around him. He was a man now, but I couldn't help but remember back to another time when I held him like this, when he was a lost teenager. I felt as helpless now and I had then.

"Uncle Ben….Hunter and I are going home."

Hunter moved from my arms, wrapping them around his sister. They walked from the building. I turned into the room, my composure beginning to crumble as I neared the bed.

I stood gazing at my beloved Michael. He had always said I had the right words whenever they were needed but now they had deserted me. I had promised to look after him forever and I had failed. I traced my fingers over his face, feeling every curve, every wrinkle that I loved; they showed we had beaten the odds. Had more years together than we once thought were possible. But still not enough. Never enough. The thought of me outliving him had never crossed my mind. I sat on the edge of the bed, lacing my fingers with his.

The tears I had been able to hold back in front of Hunter and JR finally fell, sobs racking my body as my eyes blurred thinking of what I had lost. The man whose belief in me had never faulted; whose strength kept me going; whose love knew no bounds. He had filled my life with his love and his laughter. He had given me the most priceless gift any person could ever receive, his love.

I lent in, kissing him one last time.

"I love you Michael Charles Novotny-Bruckner. One day we will be together again and never parted"


End file.
