


Strange Happenings in the Court of Attolia

by Insane Eddisians



Category: Queen's Thief series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-01-01
Updated: 2010-06-22
Packaged: 2013-10-01 19:43:48
Rating: K+
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,898
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5629767/1/
Author URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2192873/Insane-Eddisians
Summary: Eugenides and Attolia deal with their court's ridiculous problems with the help of dear Costis. Includes flying food, wine, and terrible attempts at humour. Note: This is a PARODY. Any ridiculousness/stupidity is completely intentional.





	1. Court Session and a Cloak

**Disclaimer: We don't own Eugenides. Or anyone else from the story. Please excuse us as we go sob in a corner.**

..... During a regular court session...

Attolia: Sit Down! And Eugenides, shut up!

Eugenides hummed to himself, lying at her feet.

Baron Artodorus: "...and then I said to myself, 'Should I get the red cloak? Of course, the maroon one would be better for my income, but it makes me look fat from behind, and brings out the highlights in my hair.........."

(Everyone else at court was either trying not to murder the baron or asleep.)

Attolia: (whispering) Costis, get Gen a pillow.

Costis decides not to care, as he, Aristogiton, and the wine are having a party in the corner.

Eugenides snores a bit too loudly, making Attolia kick him.

Baron Artodorus: "... and after I finally decided on a color, I realized I didn't have any tassels to match. So I talked to him, who told me to talk to him, but he and I have had a long –standing disagreement on the relative merits of rabbit stew, so I couldn't take my tassel dilemna to him...."

Costis: You shouldn't take it here either

A peanut came flying through the air, hitting the baron in the forehead. Eugenides whistled softly in his sleep.

Attolia: (sigh) My king, what's your opinion on the baron's cloak problem?

Eugenides: I say he eats his cloak and gets a haircut.

Artodorus: But look how the fabric changes in the light, Your Majesty!

The Baron Artodorus spun slowly, so the court would be able to take in every angle of his fat profile.

Attolia: I don't see anything; it's too dark in here.

Eugenides: That's because the light is on, dummy.

The entire court looked at their king in wonder and stunned silence.

Attolia: I believe it is time to retire to dinner now.

Baron Artodorus: But I haven't talked about my boot buckles yet!

Eugenides: Make an appointment. Maybe with Lieutenant Costis here.

Costis spat out the wine indignantly and began to choke.

**Review!!! **


	2. FISH

**Disclaimer: We don't own fish and we don't own Eugenides. Even though we'd like to eat them both. And is makes no sense and sucks, it's because we're writing this at two in the morning. **

* * *

_During a formal dinner..._

Attolia: Eugenides, tell the ambassador from the fishing provinces how good his fish is.

Eugenides: I was promised roast beef. (pouts cutely)

Attolia: But it is a good fish, yes?

Costis throws a dinner roll at Eugenides to try and make him mind his manners. Sadly, he misses.

Eugenides: I don't know, I never met the damn fishie. I'm just trying to eat it.

Fish Ambassador: I can assure you, our finest fishermen caught this fish, and only the finest fish get caught by the finest fishermen.

Attolia: My king, stop mutilating your dinner and shove it in your mouth.

Eugenides sat, trying to create a plan to get away from his dinner and to steal some proper food.

Baron Susa: Fine weather we're having, eh?

Dite: But it's raining.

Eugenides sat in his seat and growled menacingly. He hated small talk.

Attolia: No animals at the table please. (giving a pointed glare to her husband)

Eugenides looked at the fish ambassador questioningly.

Eugenides: So that's why I don't have roast beef! You know, in some cultures, fish aren't considered animals. We are Attolians here. We like roast beef, yes?

Dite: But you're Eddisian.

Eugenides: I'm the king, I can be anything I want.

Attolia: So that explains the trumpet under my bed.

Costis had a mild coughing fit.

Eugenides: Oh no, I don't play toot toots. It was a harp.

Attolia and Baron Susa: Ah.

The entire table looked at them in bemusement.

Attolia: Eugenides, eat your fish!

Eugenides: Costis, eat my fish!

A quiet murmur arose from the table from an unknown source, "The diseases, think of the diseases."

Costis: "Yes, my king." He wondered what he had ever done to deserve such horrible punishment.

The fish decided it didn't belong in Costis' mouth or on his fork and accidently flung itself across the table, into the frowning face of the fish ambassador. Ornon decided he was fed up with the king's stupidity and flung a dinner roll at him. Dite smiled and yelled, "Food fight!".

The fish ambassador's salad ended up on Ornon's feet.

Ornon's feet ended up on Dite.

Dite ended up on the cheese platter.

The cheese platter ended up on Baron Artodorus' new cloak.

He squealed.

Baron Artodorus' new cloak ended up on Baron Susa's wine goblet, which was full. (Surprisingly)

Attolia experimentally flicked a grape at Costis who moved just so it would hit him.

The wine spilled onto Attolia's new slippers. She kicked her foot, upsetting Dite's chair.

Dite flew into a far corner and bounced back, holding a salad bowl.

Attolia finally got fed up with the melee and slammed her plate of fish into Eugenides' face.

Eugenides: This stuff tastes good! How come you got the better tasting one?

The fish ambassador promptly fainted and landed in the wine spill.

The dinner party looked at his immobile and shrugged. There were more important matters at hand, like dessert.

**Authors' Note: shah pah tah pah tu pah tah? Pa te peh. **

**Review please. May you never think of fish the same way again. **


	3. Dessert and the Flight of a Fat Baron

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. Our creative minds were under the horrible spell that is Math class. **

**Disclaimer: We don't own Eugenides, even though you've probably figured that out. Because the world hasn't blown up ... yet. Neither do we own mousse, moose, mice, or meese or mices. Which reminds us... MACES! {**_**Maces are Messy!**_**}**

**We also are not responsible for any bad visuals due to obese lords in tighty-whities. **

—

_During the same formal dinner... at dessert_

All chaos that had not previously broken loose now broke loose. The fish ambassador was still unconscious and his body had been kicked into a corner. Costis was doing his best to sit him up in a dignified way, but the fish ambassador kept falling on top of him. What this had to do with noses nobody knew. After awhile Costis gave up and went to pout in the opposite corner and wished Aristogiton was here.

Baron Artodorus went through several fits of hyperventilation due to the fact that his beloved new cloak was now "HORRENDOUSLY SOILED!". Desperately, he threw the cloak up into the air, where it managed to get stuck in a chandelier and promptly set ablaze. The entire dinner party (apart from the king and queen) gazed up at the flaming cloak in wonder and made 'ooh' and 'aaah' sounds. Eugenides shook his head and muttered "Better in death than in life". The queen wondered if there was a double meaning to his words.

There was a loud shriek.

The court looked for the source of the noise, and saw Baron Artodorus with yet another problem. His tears from his cloak agony had soaked through his expensive, embroidered garments.

"Whatever will I do now?" He wailed.

Ornon waddled in holding a gigantic hand drum. Gen and Attolia each raised an eyebrow at him in unison.

He then sat himself down and began to beat out a steady rhythm. Dite and Baron Susa turned back to Artodorus and began to sing: TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!

Dite and Susa then joined hands and danced around Baron Artodorus in a circle.

Eugenides wondered how much wine the two had drank during dinner, and decided that he should have some more.

Baron Artodorus gave the floor a bemused look and proceeded to take off his garments. One by one, he tossed them in the air and they landed in Costis' lap. Costis sighed and folded the clothes neatly. Dite and Susa laughed happily at the fat figure standing before them in tighty-whities and clapped.

Attolia turned her chair to face Eugenides and finished her entire goblet of wine. He gave her a questioning look. "What, there' s nothing better to look at." She muttered.

Gen sniffed pompously and said, "Of course." He then got off of his chair started to pose. "I am amazingly good-looking."

He then winked at a waiter who had just appeared with dessert. The waiter smiled and left the king marvelling at the way his tongue stuck out of his teeth. Attolia sighed and wondered if the insanity was contagious.

Dite turned away from the embarrassed Artodorus, saw the dessert platter and screamed, "MOUSSE!"

The fish ambassador regained consciousness and looked around the room, startled, as if expecting a wild animal. He then saw the near-naked Baron Artodorus and promptly fainted again.

Dite, with a look of manic excitement, charged at the nearest waiter. He crashed into said waiter and caused him to upset the platter of chocolate mousse. The mousse went flying through the air, straight at Baron Artodorus. He tried to dodge the flying dessert, but ended up planting his plump bottom in it. The sound of squished mousse and broken dishes filled the room.

Dite located another bowl of chocolate mousse and began to shove it in his face. Baron Susa laughed at Baron Artodorus and said, "Your tighty-whities aren't so white no more!" Artodorus blushed and glared at Dite.

Ornon was still drumming.

Costis was jealous of Ornon.

The only waiter who had not been attacked by Dite sat down the last bowl of mousse in between Attolia and Eugenides.

The waiter, trying to compliment his own dessert stated proudly, "This mousse is so light it may fly away."

Baron Artodorus looked questioningly at his mousse-covered bottom. Costis noticed how the Baron's eyes lit up and stepped back. Howling bravely, Baron Artodorus launched himself into the air. The air soon deposited him on the table. However, the table was not built to hold things of his weight and deposited him on the ground. The embarrassed Baron Artodorus tried to run out the door but fell flat on his face through the floor landing on his now splinter-covered bottom.

Throughout this entire melee, Eugenides and Attolia had been sharing their bowl of mousse happily.

In a different part of the castle, a voice could be heard screaming, " It's escaping! It's escaping." Then came the sound of a voice being sat on by a mousse-and-ceiling-and-floor-and-bowl-and table covered bottom wearing nothing but tighty-whities. Susa and Dite rolled their eyes.

At that moment, the chandelier began to creak perilously. With a loud crash, the flaming cloak-covered chandelier dropped onto the already broken table, launching small bits of flaming cloak everywhere. Eugenides smiled and said, "Y'know we're going to have to get the dining room redone. I never liked the table anyway."

Attolia then dropped her spoon into their finished bowl of mousse, and – remembering all the events of the day- burst out laughing.

Ornon never missed a beat on his drum.

—

**Author's Note: Well, dinner is done. Wasn't it fun? Review and we'll try to send you a bun. **


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