


Safeword

by LJG



Category: Queer as Folk
Genre: Angst, Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2013-09-16 15:23:33
Rating: M
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,250
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9116102/1/
Author URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/182973/LJG
Summary: A gap-filler for episode 2x10 (dumpster episode). It fills in what went on in the minds of Brian and Justin, as well as events we didn't see. This contains a scene that may not be for everyone, but was necessary given the whole tone of the episode. Please review if you enjoyed. Or if you didn't. Constructive criticism rocks my world!





	Safeword

Michael continued to mope and although Justin did feel badly for him, he wished he'd at least tryto cheer up. Brian had teased him a bit about his grieving, which had Michael defensive and Justin thought Brian might have been a little more understanding. However, given that he was already a bump ahead of everyone else, he probably wasn't thinking about how upset Michael was - more like whom they were going to bring home tonight.

Although Justin didn't get freaked out by the threesomes, and certainly got off during them, he was always just as happy, more so honestly, to simply go home alone with Brian. Justin thought he accepted that this wasn't going to happen and that Brian might never be just all his. It would have to be enough that he cared for Justin like no one else - even loved him; something Justin very rarely let himself think. One thing he had learned from his time with Brian Kinney - love was the ultimate four-letter word. It certainly could lead to more pain than any other. Brian just might be on to something there.

"Have a drink." Ted advised Michael.

"Have a bump." Justin offered him.

"Have a boy." Brian suggested finally. This being his ultimate solution of what to do when things had you down.

"In case you've forgotten, I'm seeing someone."

Justin mentally added indignant next to defensive in his description of Michael's current mood. "What's that got to do with it?" He asked, beating Brian to his expected response.

"You've trained him well." Michael addressed Brian, who smirked in reply.

Although Ted had agreed with him, Justin knew it was simply because he didn't approve of Michael dating Ben. Frankly, Justin didn't want to think anymore about the types of relationships other people had. The kind that meant you stayed faithful. The kind that meant you felt sure you were loved. The kind that he didn't have. He spoke up again, attempting to sound as dismissive as possible. "You guys aren't even living together."

"Yeah, so treat yourself." Brian added.

"That's _your _arrangement." Michael's voice dripped disapproval.

Justin didn't want Michael, or anyone else, thinking he wasn't perfectly happy with things as they were. Brian caught enough flack already and it only made matters worse. So, Justin ignored the censure as he and Brian took turns pointing out potential tricks. Thankfully, Ted and Michael's teasing was interrupted by the arrival of Emmett and his pickle millionaire. Justin kind of liked him and appreciated the bravery comment, even if he wasn't sure he agreed. However, the description of Brian did fit the man perfectly.

Justin had read _The Fountainhead_ and _Atlas Shrugged_ and he immediately understood George's reference. The James Dean, beautiful, rebel likeness was naturally obvious to all. Brian clearly enjoyed the comparisons, although Justin knew he was too smart not to realize they could also be taken as tragic, rather than flattering. The thing is, Brian might find that even more appealing. Justin thought it both romantic and sad.

George amused Brian. He was clearly sharp and Brian, as an advertiser, appreciated how smoothly the man had managed them by selling each man a pleasing version of himself. However, as he watched Emmett and George on the dance floor and observed the derisive looks they were targets of, his amusement faded. He knew their age difference had to be at least three times that of he and Justin, yet he couldn't help making comparisons. He didn't have to be vain to know that right now, people simply viewed them as a very striking couple. But what if the age gap became more noticeable over time instead of less so. How long before people started looking only at Justin and wondering what he's doing with some old guy? What about when Justin wondered the same thing? He hadn't sounded thrilled at the idea of George with Emmett and Brian wished he had been less serious when teasing Justin about having a problem with older men.

As he had yet another bump, Brian watched Justin scan the dance floor. He really did look like the King of Babylon - ready to grace one of his subjects for the night. Brian wondered if Justin knew that. Knew that Michael had been right - he _had_ trained him well. Maybe too well, since rarely seen was the nervous and naïve teenager Brian had first known. In his place, most days, was a significantly more confident and cynical man. One who didn't need Brian anymore, though he might not know it yet.

"Check out the dirty blond in the wife beater. Great ass."

Brian happily felt the drugs kicking in. "How do you always know what I like?"

"You older men always go for the same type." Justin said, feeling resigned. He wished he were Brian's only type. It's not that he was against the occasional threesome - it could be fun. He just wished Brian didn't seem to find it so... necessary. Well, he'd put on a good show and maybe he'd enjoy himself; although, the look on Brian's face indicated that Justin may have pissed him off with that last comment.

You never knew when Brian was going to decide to be sensitive about his age. Sometimes you could joke and sometimes, well... not so much. Justin had guessed wrong, so very _very_ wrong, on a couple of occasions. As he recalled, it had been just such an occasion when they had first tried spanking. It had been so hot, but man - ouch! The bitch of it was that he could have called it off with his safe word anytime, but he didn't want to be the first one to give in. As a result, he hadn't sat comfortably for two days afterwards. And every time he thought about it, he got hard.

Brian had felt terrible when Justin later commented on it_. _

_"Jesus, did I really hurt you? Don't fucking tell me you forgot your safe-word, Justin? You said you remembered it!"_

"And I did. Don't over-react."

"I never over-react. I'm...passionate."

That he was. Justin looked at Brian again for a moment, simply enjoying the man's beauty. George's comparison was apt, but still, there was something about Brian's appearance that was changeable and hard to describe. Justin thought his favorite part of the man, aside from the obvious, were his eyes. They were very expressive and could look so vulnerable at times, and so guileless. This was usually when he had Gus in his arms, but Justin fancied that on occasion the look was there when it was he in Brian's arms. Probably just wishful thinking, since the majority of the time Brian gaze appeared nothing but self-possessed and vaguely put out. Whatever his countenance, he never had any shortage of people desiring him.

Noting that Brian was pretty buzzed, Justin opted in favor of approaching the trick himself. "I'll get him." With that, Justin strode assuredly over to their prey and had him hooked within seconds. If you knew how to do it it was easy, he thought to himself as the trick agreed to a try out. Justin was actually bored with the skill already. He wasn't interested in using it on anyone except the one person who was immune to it - and who had taught it to him. Still, never let a good blowjob go to waste, he decided, as he made a little face at Brian and escorted the trick to the back room.

Meanwhile, Brian wondered when that had started happening. When had it become Justin who played bait as they sought third party amusement in bed for the night? When had Justin started taking them into the back room to inspect the merchandise before agreeing? He knew it had occurred on a few occasions but he wasn't sure why. Brian shook his head as he got their coats and made his way out of the club to wait in the jeep. He hoped the trick had his own car. He hated being stuck with them for the trip there.

When Justin waved at the guy and jumped into the jeep ten minutes later, Brian was a little ticked. "Where the fuck were you?"

Justin settled behind the wheel, then leaned in to Brian and pecked his cheek. "Sorry. I decided to go for a quick test drive." He nuzzled Brian's neck then pulled back and flashed his 100-watt smile. "I highly recommend the head." Brian looked at him a moment, then laughed, unable to stay annoyed. Justin drove them, and with unusually little in the way of criticism from Brian. He often teased that Brian let him take more chances with Gus than with the Jeep.

They arrived quickly, their trick managing to follow without incident. After kicking off his shoes and offering the guy a drink, Justin got right to it and began to take off his clothes. "Like I said, no kissing on the mouth, we top and other than that, we'll let you know. Why don't you undress now."

Jesus! Brian looked at Justin as though seeing him for the first time. This was sounding awfully familiar. Justin still seemed pleasant, but where had the commanding tone come from? And why was the trick doing exactly what Justin had said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world? Brian didn't know whether to be proud or pissed off. He opted for neither as pleasure became all he could focus on with Justin's lips on his neck, his hands undoing Brian's pants then inching slowly up his shirt, undoing it and reaching in to circle his hardening nipples.

The trick promptly got in on the action by sliding Brian's jeans off, then stood back up and helped Justin pull off Brian's shirt. He next began kissing and licking all over Brian's back while Justin did the same to his chest. They made slow progress in this fashion towards the platform bed. Once there, the trick sank to his knees behind Brian and began caressing his ass and thighs, nibbling spots that appealed to him. Brian pulled Justin up from his chest and lunged at the boy's mouth. He didn't think he could go another second without those beautiful red lips on his.

He felt so grounded when he kissed Justin. Like nothing could ever be wrong or complicated about his life as long as he had those lips within easy reach of his own. Ironic, considering Justin was the biggest complication in his life. But...those kisses - there was nothing like them. Justin had the enthusiasm of the first time about him still. He threw his complete being into a kiss - like it was the only thing his body and mind were occupied with. Brian didn't know if he'd ever been that unreserved about anything in his whole life. At times lately, he felt himself starting to with Justin and it terrified him.

Justin finally pulled away, breathless. Brian moaned from the loss - that, and from the fact that the trick now had his tongue up his ass. Justin slowly licked back down Brian's chest and abdomen, finally arriving at his straining cock and gave it a soft peck on its glistening head, then waited. Brian put his hands in Justin's hair, gently running his fingers through it.

"Do it."

Justin grinned up at him, knowing the command was as close as Brian would get to begging. This time. Justin did as told, however, and licked up the length of the shaft.

Brian whispered under his breath. "Yeah..." His head thrown back and his eyes closed.

Justin licked greedily at the rod for a few moments and then suddenly tilted to just the right angle and took the entire thing down in one move. Brian grunted and before he knew it Justin had done it again, but this time instead of moving back up, he held it there, breathing through his nose, and then he swallowed repeatedly, his throat making a rippling sensation around his lover's dick.

Brian's eyes flew open and he looked down. "Stop." He pulled Justin up his body to kiss him again. The trick continued to rim Brian, once he assured himself the order was not for him. Brian was breathing hard as he buried his face in Justin's neck. "Jesus...where'd...uh...you learn mmm...that?"

Justin put his mouth next to Brian's ear and whispered. " You'll see. I took mental notes during the test drive. I'm not _that_ good yet, but I will be."

Brian's laugh became a moan as the trick nipped lightly at his ass. "I want to watch you fuck him while he sucks me." He told Justin.

"Feel good?" Justin licked the light sweat off Brian's neck and nuzzled his ear.

"Yeah..."

"It's all for you." Justin murmured quietly, as he pulled him down to the bed and nuzzled his neck again. And it was.

_xxxx_

As the guys got closer to the diner, they came upon a crowd and flashing lights. Brian fought down a brief sense of panic until he caught sight of Justin standing near Debbie, both of them obviously distracted from their shift by whatever was going on. It looked like the entire crowd from the diner was on the street looking at... Christ, it was a body. Michael worriedly went to Debbie as Brian tried to be casual in his inquiry to Justin. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

The kid seemed fine, so Brian took him at his word. Justin had gotten much stronger over the last several months and nothing rattled him the way it had when he was first released from the hospital. He had also made it very clear that he hated being coddled. Though he'd never admit it, Brian was proud of him. A little part of Brian also acknowledged, if only to himself, that sometimes he missed how much Justin had needed him.

As he squatted down and stared at the dead boy, Brian zoned for a moment, unable to avoid thinking of Justin's bashing and how easily it could have ended like this, with a body bag or chalk outline. He tried to make light. "What the hell did you serve him, Deb?"

The cop, who appeared less than impressed to be on Liberty Avenue for any reason, was asking if anyone knew the kid. Justin had apparently danced with him once but had not caught his name. Brian was glad, since the less connection between Justin and things like this, the better. Brian couldn't look anymore. It kept bringing up the image of the parking garage and although he too had become stronger over the last several months, he had no wish to deliberately expose himself to painful memories. He rubbed his face as though he could wipe the emotion from it. "Well, I'm starved. Let's eat." He tried to dismiss the entire thing.

No such luck once seated, however, since it was all anyone could talk about. Brian kidded that he thought the murderer was making a fashion statement. Naturally Ted came up with the most melodramatic scenario possible, while Emmett wondered if the victim had possibly had sex with his attacker first. Brian tried to joke away the melancholy. "I hope so. It's always better to come before you go" They couldn't help but laugh at the black humor.

Deb was _not _amused however, and proceeded to let them know it. Especially poor Michael with his "bring back Captain Astro" petition. No one had much to say after Debbie tore them a collective new one. It didn't look like they'd be getting much more in the way of breakfast from her and no one was really hungry at this point anyway. Eventually Brian said that he had things to do and left for home to get a head start on a new campaign, since the client would be coming to discuss proposals on Monday. Advertising and sex: Brian's two favorite ways of avoiding unpleasant situations - and he was good at both of them.

_xxxx_

"I should've stayed home and kept working," Brian told himself for the third time since coming to the store. He was getting tired of trying to see Michael through the maudlin mist his best friend had shrouded himself in and it frustrated Brian that he couldn't make him feel better. The impromptu eulogy was not a big success it would appear - not only no smile, but a rebuke as well. Michael had apparently taken to heart what Debbie had said to them all at the diner. It pissed Brian off since Deb should know better than anyone what a big heart Michael had and how sensitive he was to criticism. Brian couldn't stand for Michael to feel badly about himself especially when it was so undeserved.

"Some don't know shit." He reassured Michael. "I mean, you've known the Captain your entire life and you never laid eyes on Dumpster-Boy before this morning. So, how upset are you supposed to get?"

Contrary to what people might think, Brian was sympathetic about the poor Captain's demise, since he too felt rather nostalgic about him. After all, the comic book hero had also played a big part in his youth, given how much time he had spent with Michael. "Remember that retarded Captain Astro fan club you started in the 8th grade?"

Michael nodded. "Yeah, you were the only one who joined."

"I felt sorry for you." Brian said in his best retard voice.

Ah ha, there it was finally - a smile. Followed by yet another as they reminisced about further comic related foolishness.

"Well, that was your youth, Mikey. Captain Astro was your hero. So... you mourn all you fuckin' want." He hugged Michael, hoping he conveyed his support and his love of their friendship. He stayed there awhile longer and they had a proper wake for the departed Captain. Michael was at least in better spirits now than when Brian had found him. That was the best he could do and there was no point in letting it ruin his evening out, he thought as he headed home to shower and change.

_xxxx_

"For someone who says he intends to go with me, you aren't getting ready very fast." Brian was putting on his shirt while Justin was still lounging on the bed, engrossed in who knows what.

"Do you think he knew who killed him?"

"Who?"

Justin's answer was to hold up the paper, with its dramatic headline.

"How the fuck do I know?"

"Maybe we know him."

Brian was used to the teenager babbling on about things: art, sex, school, sex, diner gossip... Truth be told he usually found it completely charming.

"Maybe we fucked him," Justin went a step further.

"That'd be hot." To Brian, it would just be one more on the list of weird guys he'd done or weird ways he'd done it.

"Like that guy the other night." Justin continued.

Brian considered Justin closely. Where was he going with this?

"We didn't know him. We didn't know anything about him." Justin mused. "He could've done anything to us."

So that was it. Brian realized that maybe this incident had hit closer to home than Justin had let on. Good. This was the first time in awhile that he'd heard any uncertainty in Justin's voice. Not that he wanted the boy to be afraid, but he certainly wanted him safe. And lately, he saw far more of himself in Justin than made him comfortable. Brian knew all too well the risks he took and it was part of the game for him. However he was not willing to have Justin at risk.

The boy was too trusting, even when he should know better. He had stuck with Brian hadn't he? Believed in him when even Brian knew he was not to be trusted. Justin, however, thought he was and refused to consider otherwise. He was so assured about everything lately that, at times, he rivaled even Brian's level of confidence. But he was wrong. He had to know that. Brian was glad he was more confident, but he needed Justin to be cautious too.

"The first time you came here you didn't know anything about me." Brian pointed out. "I could've done anything to you." He climbed on the bed to stand over Justin and playfully tapped Justin's butt with his foot.

Justin exhaled heavily as he turned over and made his 'give me a break' face. "I was pretty sure you were gonna fuck me."

Brian sank down, kneeling over Justin. "Then what?" Brian's face was unreadable. He wondered when the little shit had gotten so smug. Well, maybe he'd tone him down a bit.

Justin, thinking it was time for a romp before hitting the clubs, lightly slid his hands up Brian's thighs and raised his eyebrows, looking at his lover questioningly.

"What if..." There was a blur and the next thing Justin knew, his arms were pinned out to the sides.

Brian had moved quickly as a cat and was just as unpredictable, however, it looked as though he was just up for a little fun. Justin was surprised for a second, but laughed, certain he knew where this was going. Yep, that's it, he thought as Brian did a slow lick up from his chest to his chin. Oh yeah...this is gonna be good, he told himself, as Brian leaned over him and whispered once more, "What if..." A flash of movement again. "I'd started to strangle you?"

Justin didn't know what had happened. Suddenly Brian's hands were around his throat and squeezing with no small amount of pressure, but he knew better than to think Brian would actually hurt him. "I'd rather you choke me with your dick." He joked, sure that Brian would laugh, let go, and offer to do just that.

Brian increased the pressure of his hands, bent down and breathed against Justin's open lips. "You could've been dead." He licked tauntingly at the gasping mouth.

Justin was starting to feel a bit dizzy and more than a little nervous. He questioned how far Brian was intending to take this, wondering if it was too far. On the other hand, something in him thrilled to be dominated by Brian; to have Brian control his every move, his every breath even. But he wasn't on familiar ground here. He had never before seen Brian look so feral...something in his eyes was unfamiliar and having no frame of reference for that look frightened Justin.

"Brian..." Justin gasped, pulling harder at Brian's hands. His airflow was almost entirely shut off. "Cut it out."

Abruptly Brian released his hold and sat up to observe Justin. The young man was gulping in air and was clearly un-nerved. Frankly, Brian was a little un-nerved himself. He had started with the intention of making a point, but as he closed his hands around Justin's throat, feeling the power he had over the man beneath him, he realized that he enjoyed it. He enjoyed it a lot. To have Justin at his mercy, counting on Brian to take care of him, not to hurt him - something about it got to Brian on a very primal level. It made him hard and he wasn't sure what to think about that. He had always found that some types of BDSM play were hot, but he and Justin had explored only a little in that area. Judging from the budding hard-on he was leaning against, Justin had found this hot in some way too.

"You came here not knowing what was going to happen - that was part of the thrill." Brian was unable to keep from rubbing his own erection as he spoke. "That's what made you hard." He reached back and slipped his hand past the loose waist of Justin's cargo pants and began fondling him, reveling in the reaction he was able to cause in the boy.

"You're hard now, just thinking about it." He taunted. "The danger." He bent low and whispered against Justin's cheek. "The excitement."

Justin had started to moan and writhe against Brian, his fear now replaced by desire. He grabbed his lover's hair and pulled his head back. "Fuck me." He demanded.

Orders was it? Like with the trick the other night? Well, they'd just see about that. Brian removed his fingers from Justin's pants and grabbed the boy's hand from his hair, pinning it to the mattress again, along with the other. He was startled when Justin actually fought back with some effort, since any other time Brian had pinned him, there had been only a token struggle. Justin rubbed his groin against Brian's as they grappled so there was no doubt in Brian's mind that he was still aroused. The brat was actually fighting it out for dominance with him. Well, fine -he wanted to play for real? They'd play.

"You really think you're up for this, little boy?"

"You so sure I can't take you?"

God, he did love this kid's spirit. "Pretty sure, yeah." Brian smirked.

"Bring it on." With that, Justin bucked up hard, trying to loose the older man's hold. He became increasingly turned on by wrestling with Brian. At one point, he actually had Brian turned on his side and thought he might be able to pounce on top of him. No dice. Brian saw this coming and quickly let go to roll out of the way, leaving Justin to miss him completely and end up face first on the bed. Brian quickly moved on top of him and held him down by laying his heavier weight down the length of Justin's body.

"Shit." Justin's muffled voice exclaimed. Brian laughed, but it had a vaguely savage sound to it. Justin was resisting too much for Brian to get a decent hold, so he hooked his arm around the kid's neck and diminished his air intake again. At first, Justin struggled all the harder, but after awhile his fingers began to weaken on Brian's arm. Brian let go of his neck but used Justin's depleted state to force the youth's hands together behind his back and hold them there with one of his own, putting as much of his weight down as he could. While the boy panted and squirmed to no avail, Brian felt around the side of the bed with his free hand, for an item of clothing he had decided against earlier, but which should prove useful now. Ah ha, there it was. Triumphantly Brian pulled up the black leather belt he had been going to wear. He quickly wound it around Justin's straining wrists and secured it against slipping. He let go of Justin and watched as he unsuccessfully tried to free himself from the restraint. This was starting to be fun. Maybe too much so, but Brian ignored that warning thought.

Justin was amazed at how quickly he had been overcome. He had tried to at least keep Brian from subduing him, if not managing to actually subdue Brian instead. Obviously neither plan had worked out very well for him. As Brian removed the boy's pants, Justin realized that there was no point in resisting further. It wouldn't be the first time Brian had fucked him while he was tied up, albeit not in this position. He became confused, however when Brian pulled him back up and reclined him against the pillows, his hands trapped behind his back. Brian straddled his lover's thighs and stared down at what Justin hoped was a defiant expression. Brian leaned in to kiss him, but Justin turned his head away. He might have lost, but he didn't have to make it easy. Brian gave a twisted smile that seemed to imply he was just as happy to take what he wanted rather than have it given.

"Maybe you'll be less likely to move away if you can't see what's coming." Brian reached over Justin to the bedside table. There, next to the core of the apple he'd called dinner, was one of Brian's many silk ties. He picked it up and looked at Justin again, strangely pleased to see some fear reflected on those porcelain features.

"Brian, no..."

"Wanna bet?" Triumphant hazel eyes were the last Justin saw before the makeshift blindfold turned everything dark.

Brian tucked in the ends of the blue tie so that they didn't drag and, once satisfied that Justin couldn't see, moved off the bed completely. He stood at the end of the platform for a minute, simply gazing at Justin's prone form. He thought he'd never been more aroused as he looked at Justin's covered eyes, the way his bound arms naturally arched his back, the way he would half mouth words only to set his jaw, determined not to give in. Brian turned to go get what he would need.

"Brian?" Justin's voice gave away his uneasiness.

There was no response from the other man, who he could now hear padding softly into the other room. Justin was extremely apprehensive and tried once more to free himself. He had been somewhat restrained before and blindfolded too, but never both at the same time. He felt as if he had no control over anything, even himself. It terrified him and he didn't think he'd ever been harder in his life. He wanted to beg Brian to slow down but he couldn't bring himself to. He thought briefly of using his safe-word. If the situation weren't so serious he would laugh when he thought of Brian's reaction to his original choice for it.

"Ted? That's your safe-word? Jesus Christ!" Brian had cried.

"Well you said to pick something I could never imagine saying, even accidentally, in a sexual context."

"Justin, it's supposed to take the action down a notch for reevaluation, not fucking throw cold water all over it".

"Well, I don't know - you pick then - but it has to be something I can remember." Justin had fairly shivered at the idea that Brian might so push his limits that he wanted Justin to be able to halt the proceedings with a single word. That saying "no" wouldn't necessarily be heeded and that he might not really want it to be. He had wished Brian didn't enforce the rule about not having "serious" sex discussions (he wouldn't say relationship discussions) while in, or on the way to, bed. That's why he usually brought them up when they were out for dinner. He was sneaky like that.

They had finally settled on 'Boy Wonder' since Justin would never say it and also he knew Brian thought it was kind of cute. The fact that this analogy would make him Batman certainly appealed to him. Justin had wanted to know what Brian's word was and the man laughed. "Trust me, if we ever play the kind of game where I need a safe word - I'll pick one and let you know." His face had showed how likely he thought that was.

Justin returned his thoughts to the present, as the music of Enigma began to play. It was loud. Not so loud that the neighbors would complain, but loud enough to make it hard to hear other things. Justin shivered. He hadn't heard Brian returning but felt a depression in the bed. It felt like Brian was reclined beside him. Justin flinched as a hand came out of nowhere to stroke his cheek and he heard a small huff of a laugh at his reaction. He forced himself to relax; knowing that of course it would only be Brian. Justin next felt a warm breath of air against his face. "Listen carefully." Justin thought that his lover was drawing attention to the music until he heard a little *snickt* next to his left ear. He jerked in the other direction and bumped into a broad chest. "Do you know what that is?"

He couldn't help a little gasp. "...Brian..."

He felt Brian move around a little and then something cold was pressed against Justin's throat. "Do you know what it is?" Brian repeated his question.

Beyond speech now, Justin nodded slightly. Of course he knew it was the switchblade Brian used to cut apples. Justin had used it once and almost taken off the top of his thumb; it was hair-splittingly sharp.

"Good. Then you know to be careful around it."

Justin had no idea what to think. He opened his mouth to ...what? He didn't know. Protest? Beg? End this? He was reminded of being a small boy in his parent's house, waking up in the middle of the night, certain there was monster lurking in the corner. He had seen the hall light through his half open door, even heard his mother's voice not ten feet away. Known that if he simply called out to her, she would be by his side in seconds and the monster would be gone, but he had been literally too terrified to make even a squeak. He felt exactly like that now - like if only he could get the words out, the terror would be gone and his Brian would be back, this stranger banished. But he couldn't say anything. Literally, physically couldn't do it. He exhaled and closed his mouth.

"Good boy." Brian spoke again in that same low tone, his hand now brushing Justin's hair from his forehead. "No one would hear you anyway. The music is too loud and something tells me any neighbors within earshot are used to strange sounds coming from in here. So...it's just you and me kid." He made it sound like a threat.

Justin shuddered as the cold metal that had been against his throat now trailed slowly down his collarbone and paused mid chest. Brian watched him carefully and noted that his erection had not flagged in the slightest. Something about this appealed to Justin it would seem and Brian knew it appealed to him.

"We're going to play a game." Brian continued. "I know how much you love having your skin scratched. It makes you crazy...makes you wiggle no matter how much I tell you not to." Justin tried again to open his mouth and talk, only to have Brian lightly peck his lips and speak against them. "I'm going to make you feel so good, but I'm going to use this to do it." Brian ran the knife lightly over Justin's chest to his pierced nipple and hooked the ring, pulling slightly.

Justin couldn't help but cry out. It was true, he did love to be lightly scratched everywhere and Brian, when feeling mellow, would often indulge him for an hour at a time. Justin didn't think Brian seemed too mellow right now though. In fact, he didn't know what to make of him at all and for once, he was unsure of what Brian might do to him.

"Don't move - no matter what." Brian instructed him. "Because, if you do... even a tiny bit..." He licked Justin's ear. "I won't be able to help the blade cutting that delicate skin." He pressed it in to Justin's chest slightly as he nuzzled his neck. "So keep still. And Justin...if you get blood on my Yves St. Laurent sheets? The consequences of that will make this seem tame."

Justin didn't know how he was going to stay motionless considering that he was already shaking slightly. With fear? With desire? He wasn't sure which. Or where the line between them was anymore. He tried to calm down and do as Brian said. He listened to the music filling the loft and began to focus on the lyrics as a distraction.

_I see love, I can see passion  
I feel danger, I feel obsession  
Don't play games with the ones who love you  
Cause I hear a voice who says:  
I love you ... I'll kill you ..._

Justin realized after a minute that this wasn't going to help much. Not with this song anyway. Where was _Return to Innocence_ when you needed it?

For his part, Brian was beyond enthralled with the scenario. He was completely caught up in the power he had over the restrained youth before him. A high like this, no amount of coke or Special K could simulate. Justin was so beautiful, so vulnerable, and so pure - even still. Brian cherished that about him and didn't think it would ever really change. Justin had been emulating a different manner lately, but he was too genuine to keep it up for long. And this should serve as a reminder of who the alpha male of their little pack was.

Brian gently ran the steel in his hand down Justin's chest, swirling the blade a bit. Justin bit his lip but said nothing. Brian ventured further, sliding the knife, ever so gently down Justin's abdomen to just above his pubes. He heard the intake of breath as Justin fought not to squirm. This was a ticklish area and it really wasn't playing fair. Brian moved down Justin's thigh, making crisscross lines on it. He was pleased to note that Justin had broken out in a light sweat, but that his dick jerked a bit as it hardened to its fullest.

Justin could not believe the sensations. It was like the lightest feather touch but the dread of moving was so inhibiting. He was beside himself with both lust and terror. He had to move...he just had to. Oh God...Brian was trailing back up his thigh now, making his way...no...oh fuck no, Justin couldn't take it...he'd move for sure and...shit...he shook with every millimeter closer it got and...Christ...he felt it slightly press into him as he jerked. It was impossible to tell if it had broken the skin or not. Jesus...Brian wasn't kidding...he was really going to... and then suddenly the knife was gone and in it's place was Brian's mouth. Right at the juncture of Justin's thigh and groin. Brian covered the potentially injured area with his mouth and sucked lightly.

"Oh God," Justin realized that the thought of Brian licking blood off him should have made him sick, but it only made him moan. Brian touched the flat part of the knife to the tip of Justin's penis and the boy began to hyperventilate. Part of him wanted to rub against it and part wanted to shrink away. "Brian, please...fuck...I can't help it...I." He began to thrash his head back and forth, arching his back even more.

Brian suddenly pulled away completely and flipped Justin over onto his stomach. He then dragged the boy back so that his knees were on the floor. His hand wrapped around the back of Justin's neck and pushed him face first onto the mattress. Justin's upper body was on the bed, but his dripping cock was trapped, suspended helplessly over the floor. Brian leaned over him and menaced. "I thought I said not to move." He followed this up with a few sharp cracks to Justin's ass.

Justin gasped and his eyes watered - it had stung and he was so keyed up now that he was disoriented. It seemed like his lover was all around him - like Justin was drowning in him. Brian ran the knife down Justin's spine, taking little side trips onto pale flesh to swirl and torment with soft touches. He finally got to what many considered Justin's best feature; that perfectly shaped ass. That perfectly shaped and extremely sensitive ass, Brian knew.

He removed his hand from the back of Justin's neck, pleased to see that the boy stayed put. With his one hand creating torturous circles on the twin cheeks, Brian undid his fly and pulled out his hard cock with the other. Justin appeared too distracted to notice anything and couldn't hear Brian's teeth ripping at the condom packet over the music. Brian slid it on then flipped the top open on the lube, ready to coat his dick with it.

Justin felt Brian lean back down a bit and trail the knife blade all the way down Justin's' crack to his fluttering hole.

Oh Christ, Justin thought. He wouldn't really do that. He couldn't. I have to stop him, I have to..."Fuck...no, Brian, you can't..."he moaned as he felt the sparest of touches tickling his pucker.

"Sure I can." The tone was uncompromising.

Justin needed to move...but he couldn't...he was panicky - Brian had never done anything remotely like this or even joked about it. "Brian, uhhh... please..." God, how could this feel so good; it wasn't right. As the knife rested just at the edge, but not going in, Justin could feel his hole expanding and contracting. Stupid thing - doesn't know what it wants either.

He was overwhelmed with confusion and just when he thought he'd scream, Brian threw the knife down on the floor and replaced it with his lubed fingers. Justin wanted to weep with relief. He was quivering mess and could focus only on Brian - his touch, his scent all around Justin. He was so aroused now that he welcomed the pain of a swift entry. Either Brian had read his mind or he didn't care, because he rammed himself fully into Justin, driving the young man's head further into the mattress.

This was the best life got, Brian thought as he paused a moment. This is it, right here. This perfect ass that practically calls out to me, to lick it, to fill it. This golden hair; beautiful eyes; smooth back; pale arms, locked until I release them, - it's all mine. He licked at the back of the boy's neck, dragging his tongue to the spot by Justin's ear that always made him wild. He felt the body beneath him shaking and pulled back to ram in again. He wanted to make this last -no giving in to the compulsion to hurry; to fuck, fast and furious. He wanted to torture Justin...to turn him into a mindless creature that had no thought but Brian...Brian's mouth on him, Brian's cock invading his ass. He had no words for the physical connection he felt between them. He felt like his lover had become an extension of his own body. A fact which should have made Brian wonder who it was he really wanted to torture - and why.

Justin again tried to wiggle away; the feelings were too intense. He felt Brian's hand on his head, pushing him down and holding him in place as he continued the long, drawn out fuck. The feel of Brian's clothes against his naked body. All black, he remembered. Brian had been wearing all black...what must that look like against Justin's pale skin. His brain threatened to shut down on him...Jesus...hurts...need to move...hard to breath like this and... Christ...I don't care... just...please...oh fuck... Justin didn't know how Brian could go at such a steady pace. Usually after this long they would be pounding desperately at each other, straining for release. Justin certainly was trying, but Brian held him so securely he was unable to do anything but kneel there and take it. Justin was desperate for Brian to touch his dripping cock. He had lost all semblance of pride now and would do anything, _anything_, if only Brian would stroke it...just hold it even; he was sure that's all it would take. He was willing to beg at this point.

"God, Brian...please, I need you...uhh...please... Christ...touch me..."

Brian's hand released Justin's head and slid to caress his cheek. He kept one arm wrapped around Justin's waist and maintained the pace he had begun, going as deeply as he could.

Justin was relieved. Brian was going to touch him...thank God... he needed to come...he

"No." Brian's voice was neutral, but his hand slid around Justin's throat again and lightly rested there, menacing.

Justin couldn't believe he was serious. "Brian ...I'm begging you...uhh...Jesus...you win, ok...oh my God...please..." He was as desperate to see Brian's face now as he was to come. Something wasn't right; Brian had never been like this. For a self-proclaimed asshole he was an incredibly giving lover.

Brian smiled at the fear he could feel coursing through Justin's veins along with the desire. The kid was one taut muscle, unable to do anything to help himself, his dick jerking desperately in the air. Brian gloried in the tight fit around his cock. He loved the way he could feel Justin's whole body trembling on the edge of release. Right now, in this moment, he owned this boy, body and soul. Where normally he would run from that idea and the responsibility it implied, now he embraced it, reveled in it. He'd never felt like this before. For someone who'd had as much sex as he, that was saying a lot.

Justin began to whimper quietly. "Oh God... I can't take it...please...uhh...Brian...Brian..." Justin was afraid he might actually cry, he was so frustrated, so incredibly hot... and just at that moment he felt Brian's hand tighten on his throat. Justin was dizzy; his heart beat pounded in his head... almost drowning out the music. What was on now? Dead Can Dance...very tribal, exotic. He tried to stay focussed on taking shallow breaths.

Brian half pulled Justin up, his arms trapped against Brian's chest, and began to really plunge in hard, the altered angle making him hit Justin's sweet spot every time. He closed his hand further around Justin's throat, cutting off the supply of air completely. "You can breath after you come." Justin began to twist in Brian's arms, desperately trying to reach the bed and rub his aching prick against the covers. Brian could feel the accelerated heart beat, as the vein under his fingers pulsed quickly. He picked up the pace, pulled Justin further up against him and bit the cord of muscle joining his neck and shoulder, hard enough to make a mark. He hoped he had. Right after, when he felt Justin's entire body go rigid, he loosened his hold over Justin's windpipe. As the boy jerked his head back to rest against the broad shoulder behind him, his dick, with no touch to it at all, jerked up and shot forth stream after stream onto the floor. Justin screamed as he came.

Brian bent the youth forward to rest on the bed again and in five or six quick strokes, he too was coming hard enough to see stars behind his eyes. "JesusfuckingChrist...Justin..." he whispered, almost inaudibly. He arched his back and almost literally felt every drop being milked out of him by Justin's vibrating ass. Completely spent, he collapsed forward, his body convulsing. He felt euphoric and strangely grateful to Justin - the way the boy had handed Brian his power, had completely submitted to him, was humbling. It made Brian want to take care of him, cherish him.

Justin felt like he was in that place between awake and asleep. That fuzzy dream world, right before you nod off, where you are still slightly cognizant of your surroundings. He was dimly aware of the weight on him, the beginnings of numbness in his arms and the twitching cock still embraced by his ass. He felt his heart beating strongly and then realized that there were two hearts, that Brian was molded to his back, panting heavily.

Brian felt uncomfortable...as soon as he caught his breath he was going to...what was this poking his chest? Fuck. Justin's arms. Brian quickly pulled himself back, whisked off the condom and dropped it on the floor. He loosened the hold on Justin's wrists, rubbing them slightly and was relieved to see Justin flex his fingers. He went for the blindfold, then paused and quickly grabbed the blunt letter opener that he had used in place of the switchblade, off the floor and shoved it under the mattress. He'd put it back when Justin wasn't around to see. Except for its sound effect contribution, the switchblade had rested on the bedside table beside the remains of his apple. He rationalized the deceit by deciding that he couldn't make a point with a dull knife.

He lay up next to Justin, a little freaked out that he hadn't moved yet. "Justin." He reached up and undid the blindfold and pulled it off, running his hands through the blonde hair after he did so. Justin rolled to his side, still breathing heavily, his eyes remaining closed. "Come on Justin, I need you to say something."

Justin pondered the statement. Say something? Like what? Wow, that was fucking amazing and oh by the way, you weren't really going to hurt me were you? No. He knew better than that, even if Brian didn't. Justin rolled onto his back and bright blue eyes opened to find Brian staring down. "What?" Justin asked softly.

The cerulean irises, their pupils shrinking and dilating to adjust to the light, fascinated Brian. He just stared down for a moment, saying nothing, just watching.

Justin reached up and cupped Brian's cheek. "What is it?"

"Give me your hands."

"You don't expect me to fall for that one again?"

"Justin..."

"Jeez, fine. Happy now?"

Brian inspected the wrists carefully and although they were a little red, they were fine. He took Justin's right hand in his and just held it a second. "Flex it." Justin rolled his eyes. "Just do it." Brian insisted. He knew the face below him well enough to spot the slightest involuntary wince. "Fuck. It hurts, doesn't it." Brian decided if there was ever any doubt before, there wasn't now: He was the scum of the earth.

Justin could see Brian was upset and he tried to relieve him with the truth. "Brian, you know it still gets stiff when I use it consistently all day, which I did. It doesn't hurt exactly; it just takes a while to loosen up is all. Nothing we did made it any worse, I swear."

Brian said nothing, just held the hand in his and brought it to his lips, resting them against it until he could compose himself. Finally he spoke. "Justin, you should have stopped it." Liar...you couldn't have stopped. "Things went further than I intended...and I...you should have said it."

"Brian, I'm fine. _It_ was fine...fucking awesome, in fact. I mean, I was surprised and ok, I admit it, I was pretty scared, but deep down, no matter what you do or what you say, I know you'd never really hurt me." Unfortunately, Justin realized, Brian would hurt himself first and usually did. "We just never talked about this beforehand, but I trust you, Brian; you know that."

This was supposed to relieve him? Brian almost laughed. Almost. He had started this intending to teach Justin a valuable lesson and it was he who was learning something. He learned that, as he had feared all along, he was not the one in control here. He was a slave to Justin's trust. He had been since day one. Desperate, though he just truly realized it now, to be worthy of that trust. Something he was sure would never happen.

"You have to promise me Justin. Promise me that if it ever gets to be too much, if I do something you really can't take, that you'll use your safe word."

"Ok." Brian was starting to freak him out a little.

"Say you promise, or I swear I'll never touch you again."

"Jesus, Brian, I promise."

"Ok." Brian let out a breath. "Ok."

Justin closed his eyes again and continued catching his breath. Brian lay his head down on Justin's chest. He simply stayed there for a few moments, idly running his fingers over Justin's abdomen, waiting for his lover's heartbeat to slow to normal. He was a fool. Justin was the one in control of this (God help him) relationship, though he didn't know it. And Brian Kinney would be a lost man the day Justin figured it out. The kid was incredibly perceptive, so Brian knew that day was sure to come. Would the tables be turned? Would Justin trample his heart as badly as Brian knew he had trampled Justin's at times? Over Brian's dead body. He raised his head and got off the bed to straighten himself up.

"You better shower quickly if you want to go with me." He turned his back to Justin, tucked himself back in and buttoned up his pants.

Justin ran a hand down Brian's back. "Can you give me ten minutes?"

Brian nodded and released a sigh of relief after he heard the boy walk away to the bathroom. Brian was more terrified than Justin could possibly have been. That kid trusted him. He wouldn't, if he knew how close Brian had been to losing it. How his mother had been right - he was selfish and not to be relied on. Just like his father. He couldn't stand to think of it. After turning down the music, he crossed to the bar and poured a hefty shot of Jim Beam, downed it and poured another. He opened the top left drawer and dug around until he came up with his stash, pulled out a joint and popped it in his pocket. Justin could drive them.

_xxxx_

Justin replayed the evening again in his head while drinking down another generous glass of Jim Beam. He had come straight home after Brian left Babylon with what's his name. As he lay on the couch, all the lights off except the blues, he wished his current feeling of anxiety could be attributed to the pot he'd smoked, but he knew it wasn't that. He couldn't decide whether to be worried sick, or sick and tired, or maybe just plain sick, as he had another shot. He could still see Brian walking away and him willing the man to turn around. He knew something had been wrong with Brian. When Justin had come up to him at the computer after his shower and said he was ready to go, Brian seemed distracted. "Everything ok?" Justin had asked.

"You said ten minutes." He got up and walked over to get his coat.

Justin followed and looked at his watch. It had been fifteen. "Sorry."

"Fine, let's just go, okay?"

It hadn't been much better at Babylon. They had pretty much gone in different directions when they got there. Justin had been happy to let Brian have some space and found some guys he knew to dance with. One of whom, Justin knew, was dying to fuck him. Justin smiled to himself. It was nice to be wanted, but he only bottomed for Brian. So unless the guy was willing to be fucked instead, he didn't stand a chance.

He had been dancing for a while, long enough to work up a little sweat, when out of the corner of his eye he saw Brian leaving with some guy. Brian usually tricked alone only when Justin was absent or he'd do it just in the back room. He seldom actually left with a trick and if he did, it wasn't without telling Justin that he was leaving and making sure he was ok to get home. Justin had the keys to the jeep and assumed Brian would cab it later, but he felt uneasy about the man's lack of goodbye. He quickly left the dance floor, grabbed his jacket and ran after Brian. When he got close enough to speak to him, he took in the trick. Justin didn't like the look of him. He had a very rough edge about him, much the way Brian did, but un-tempered by Brian's gentleness. When Brian teased him about his concern, Justin had wanted to beg, as he had earlier when Brian fucked him, but he couldn't quite bring himself to. So instead, he watched Brian walk into who knew what with God knows whom. The boy stood there awhile, toying with the idea of going back in and letting that other guy fuck him after all, but reason reigned and he headed instead towards the jeep.

Once home he had proceeded to try showering off the feeling of nervous tension. It didn't work. He threw on some sweat pants and went to get something to drink. He noticed one of the smaller, rarely used drawers in the kitchen still open. Ah ha. That's where Brian had been keeping his stash. He had started hiding it after the time he came home to find Daphne and Justin laughing hysterically over So I Married An Axe Murderer, having smoked the last of Brian's weed. As bad as he felt, just thinking of Mike Myers doing the Colonel Saunders rant made him smile. *"Oh I hated the Colonel, with his wee, beedy eye and that smug look on his face, oh ...you're gonna buy my chicken.. oh..."* Justin started to laugh at the memory and then suddenly began to cry. He dropped his head in his hands, rubbed his palms over his eyes and sniffled. He pulled out the stash, grabbed a bottle of JB and set up camp on the couch to brood.

A couple hours later things began to feel incredibly fuzzy. "Fuck it." He thought, as he took in more of the sweet smoke. He had nowhere to be - so what if he was getting fucked up - Brian used drugs and booze to forget his troubles all the time. Although, Justin doubted that it worked any better for Brian than it did for him. He half registered the U2 cd that he'd thrown on without thinking and he laughed dejectedly. It continued to be an evening of fitting music.

_In my dream I was drowning the sorrows but my sorrows they'd learned to swim.  
Surrounding me, going down on me, spilling over the brim._

_xxxx_

Brian glanced at his watch and realized he'd better head home. As he began to walk, two hours sitting in the park having sobered him, he again rehashed the evening.

He' d surveyed the dance floor from the shadows on the far end of the catwalk. He'd unconsciously clenched and unclenched his hands repeatedly as he observed this one guy continually try to rub up against Justin or lean in to kiss him. Justin had rebuffed him, but didn't seem too put out by the attention. Brian noted that the guy had to be at least eight years younger than him. Fuck. This was bullshit - he shouldn't give a damn who Justin fucks. Or care that Justin could be on his way to becoming the "hottest stud on Liberty Avenue" as Brian had once been called. Though Ted's words of last year came back to Brian with crystal clarity. "So...even though you'd like to rest on your laurels, secure in your position of power, now you know they're snapping at your heels and you're going to have to run faster and faster and..."

Brian didn't notice for a minute that he was shaking. When he did, he realized he needed to get out of there and fuck the hell out of someone. He hadn't wanted to chance going near Justin again in this mood. He scanned the dance floor and noticed a leather jacketed, dark haired guy, roughly his own build, leaning against the bar. The man seemed to be appraising everyone with an air of bored tolerance. There was also an undercurrent of danger about him. He had the same look of scorn on his face that Brian figured he usually wore. Excellent, another alpha, a challenge to distract him; someone who would match him and about who's feelings he needn't give a fuck and who just possibly, might give him what he deserved. Brian descended the stairs and went over to the guy, got right in his face and cocked an eyebrow. The man met Brian's stare. "Let's leave now." Brian loved getting to the point.

"We only go back to mine." The guy's tone was as uncompromising as Brian's was. Oh, he hoped the guy put up a real fight.

Brian laughed to himself when he thought about what a major bottom the guy turned out to be. And not even a very good one. Good act, though. What a waste of time. He wished that he had simply gone home with Justin when the boy asked. Part of him had wanted to, but despite how it might appear, he had very little power left and he couldn't afford to give away more by letting Justin see him this vulnerable. Besides, it was hot to take the risk. He had always lived his life that way, knowing that there was a chance something might happen, but figuring that was the price he paid for the lifestyle he wanted. Thought he wanted. He hadn't liked the look on Justin's face after he'd teased him. He had tried, before leaving, to reassure the boy, but he knew Justin was hurt. However, he had felt the need to forget about everyone else for just a little while. Losing himself in the danger of rough, anonymous sex seemed like the preferable way to do that

It hadn't worked very well. After one disappointing fuck he was anxious to get out of there, but not ready to go home yet. The trick didn't really live more than a half-hour stroll away from the loft and Brian decided to walk it. He stopped part way home in a local park and sat on the empty bench, just thinking and then trying not to and finally deciding he'd better just go home. Ultimately, when he curled up next to Justin's sleeping form, things usually seemed much simpler.

He quietly closed the loft door behind him. All the lights were off, so Justin had to be asleep. "I see you made it."

Brian was startled by the voice from the couch. He turned from the bedroom stairs to peer into the darkness at Justin. "Waiting up? What a sweetheart." He walked over and dropped his jacket on the chair, then sat on the edge of the couch and bent to kiss Justin.

The young man avoided him by sitting up and leaning back into the opposite corner of the couch. "That's me - sweetheart, sunshine and lots of other bullshit along those lines, right?"

Ooookay. What the fuck? "Something wrong?"

"What? Nooo...don't be ridiculous." Justin didn't sound like himself. "That's my job, isn't it? To be ridiculous? Stupid little Justin - worried about you. You must laugh about me."

"You're not ridiculous, Justin." Brian was at a loss. "And I don't laugh at you."

"What is it you guys always say? Pathetic? That's me, positively pathetic." Justin seemed to kind of laugh to himself over the alliteration.

"You're not pathetic either, Justin. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Brian had suspected he might catch a bit of hell, but didn't expect to find Justin so confrontational. His eyes, growing accustomed to the dim, scanned the coffee table. Great - an empty bottle of Jim Beam, a glass, and an ashtray full of roaches. The kid was baked. "You smoked all my weed again, didn't you. I hope you didn't let Daphne drive. Jeez, that was a lot for you guys to smoke - she must be even more fucked up than you. Wait until I see that girl..."

"I didn't smoke it all and you can't yell at Daphne. She wasn't fucking here."

"You want to tell me why you're sitting here alone in the dark, getting out of your head on Jim Beam and grass?" Brian refused to think about a time that he had done the same thing and the reasons for it.

"Do you give a shit?"

Brian was trying not to seem frustrated. "Could you possibly give me a straight answer?"

"If I thought I'd get one in return, sure."

"Justin..."

The kid laughed, but it wasn't a joyful sound. "What are you going to do? Tie me up again and spank me until I'm ready to be a good boy?" He stood, grabbed onto the couch for balance and stared down at Brian.

Brian sighed and stood too. "Is that what this is about? I'm really sorry about that Justin. I let things get out of hand and I should have talked to you about it after, but I was feeling...I was...well, I guess I didn't know what to say. I didn't mean to hurt you." He looked down, trying to figure out what to do. Obviously the kid had not been ok with the scene after all. Brian jumped as he heard the crash of glass against the wall. "Are you insane?"

"Well, that would fucking explain a lot, wouldn't it." Justin yelled, as he picked up the ashtray and hurled it after the glass, wobbling on his feet a bit with the force of his throw. "You think you're so smart but you don't know shit. I'm not upset about that, you asshole! You think I couldn't handle that? You try to scare me away all the goddamn time - ever since you met me in fact. I'm fucking used to it by now." Justin now picked up the empty bottle of JB.

"Justin, calm down!" Brian was getting angry now too and took a step towards the youth only to have him stumble away. This was reminding him way too much of the violent mood swings Justin had after his attack. They could come on without warning and Brian was always afraid that Justin might injure himself.

"Stop telling me what to do!" Justin hurled the bottle at the wall and it smashed into a million pieces, scattering close to where Justin stood.

Brian stood there in shock. Justin reached for another object to take his rage out on and when he did, Brian reached in and grabbed his wrist. "That's enough." He looked into the young man's flushed face. "That's enough, Justin."

"You think you're above it all and nothing will happen to you, but you and I and that kid in the dumpster all know better than anyone that it isn't safe out there, don't we. I'd say we have a really good idea of the kind of shit people dish out to each other in the real world. You know better, but you don't care." Justin yanked his arm away, but stopped his barrage of glass for the moment. " How could you just go with him?"

"I thought you were okay with the tricking."

Justin sounded utterly defeated. "It isn't just the trick. Not even mostly. Don't you get it? I'm upset because I can't live like that. Knowing that you don't give a fuck. Not about me, but about yourself. You'd never let me take the chances you do and you try to scare me into behaving when you're not there. You think I don't know that?"

Brian just looked at him, unable to interrupt, having no idea what to say.

Justin walked a few steps and gestured wildly. "You're a fool if you think that keeps me safe. I can never feel safe, Brian. Not as long as I could lose you because you refuse to take as much care of yourself as you do of me. I can't have something happen to you...I just can't...I need you."

"You don't understand, Justin."

"You think that's a surprise? Of course I don't understand. Because you aren't telling me. I know you have a lot going on in your head lately that you don't want to talk about. And I want to figure it out so I can help you, or leave you alone...whatever you need. It's just... I'm tired. I try and I try, but I get so tired of pretending to be ok if I'm not, so that you won't feel smothered and..." Justin's speech got quieter now and he had to put his hand on the chair beside him. "I don't know how I'm supposed to be. How much can I show that I care without you punishing me for it..." He sank down next to the chair, oblivious to the glass by his feet and put his head down on his knees. "I don't know what I'm saying anymore."

Brian sank down in front of him. "Justin come away from the glass, you're going to hurt yourself."

Justin looked up at him, his eyes wet. "Did you hear anything I said?'

"I heard you, now come on." He led his intoxicated lover away from the damage and towards the bed. He lay him down and then sat next to him, pulling the sheet up. All the fight seemed to have gone out of Justin and it looked like he wouldn't be conscious much longer. Brian could tell by the remains on the table that the boy would have a whopper of a hangover tomorrow. He'd better look into that secret recipe.

It didn't take long for Brian to clean up the mess and come to bed. He lay down next to Justin and put his arms around him.

"Boy wonder." It was barely discernible.

"What?" Brian was confused.

"You said to say it." Justin mumbled into the pillow. "If it ever gets to be too much, you said; if I really can't take it, then say it and you'll stop."

Justin snuggled further into the arms around him, oblivious to the chagrined look on his lover's face. Brian felt his stomach tense. Justin was practically talking in his sleep at this point, but Brian knew that he'd been more stressed out and more upset by the past couple days than Brian guessed. About that, and other things obviously. Things that sooner or later Brian was going to have to give some real thought to if he intended for the relationship to continue. And he did.

"Ok, Justin." He whispered. "Everything is ok. You can feel safe now - I promise. Go back to sleep."

_xxxx_

Justin felt like shit. "Oh my God." He moaned.

He squinted against the sun a bit as Brian appeared next to him with two Excedrin and a glass of juice. "Here."

"I feel like death."

"You'll be happy to know you look slightly better than that. I'd rate you at only half dead."

"What the fuck happened?"

Brian wasn't entirely surprised. Justin still had a little memory trouble on occasion, although it was lessening. However, if he had smoked a lot or had drunk much, he was often fuzzy on the details for a while the next day. And since Brian hadn't ever seen him consume as much as he had the previous evening, he wasn't figuring on Justin being too clear this morning. "You tell me. I come home from the worst fuck of my life to find you passed out on the couch, having smoked a ton of dope and finished off the Jim Beam. Did you have a party or something?" Brian watched the boy carefully. He was sure he would at least remember why he'd started drinking.

Justin took a sip of juice and thought fast. "Uh...Daph came over for awhile and I guess we got kind of carried away." He made a mental note to call Daphne later and get her to cover.

Brian just looked at him and smiled a little - kind of sadly, Justin thought. "Well, that happens. _We_ get carried away all the time." Brian gave a little eyebrow lift.

Justin laughed. "Owww. Fuck. Please don't make me laugh anymore unless you want to see my head explode."

The other man reached down for Justin's morning wood. "As a matter of fact, I would like to see that..."

"Hey..." Justin laughed again. "Oww... come on, cut it out. That's it - I'm finally ready to use my safe word."

Brian sobered.

"What?"

"Nothing. Come on _Boy Wonder_ - drink all this juice and some water, get your butt in the shower, brush your teeth and I will take you out for a hangover breakfast. The trick is peppers in the eggs - you'll feel completely rejuvenated. Then we'll come home and I'll fuck you back into oblivion." Brian grinned again.

"That sounds great, but I think I may alter the order of those instructions and brush my teeth first. I think someone snuck in during the middle of the night and knitted little socks on all of them. And I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I'm not sure I'm gonna make it."

"You'll make it." Brian ran his hand through Justin's hair and started towards the kitchen as Justin got up and headed to the shower.

Brian considered the young man who claimed he needed him and thought about opening up a little more to Justin than he had in the past. He could try a little harder to take care of himself, because maybe being more careful in future was worth it for Justin's peace of mind. Maybe he could start justifying Justin's trust by extending a little, just a little bit, himself. "Hey!"

"Yeah?" Justin shouted back. "Owww...shit." He mumbled.

Brian chuckled. "Maybe over breakfast you can help me think of a safe word. I have a feeling we're going to start playing some games I might need one for."


End file.
