


Hey Justin, I Remember Your Name

by H. Morgan



Category: Queer as Folk
Genre: Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2014-06-04 10:05:24
Rating: K+
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10223375/1/
Author URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4160534/H-Morgan
Summary: Inspired by the song "Lucy" by Skillet.





	Hey Justin, I Remember Your Name

_Hey Lucy, I remember your name  
I left a dozen roses on your grave today  
I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away  
I just came to talk for a while, got some things I need to say_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her_  
_I'd give up all the world to see_  
_That little piece of Heaven looking back at me_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her_  
_I've gotta live with the choices I made_  
_And I can't live with myself today_

You sit there, staring at the grey colored grave stone. Your hand traces his name in the cold slab of concrete. All there is carved in the old thing is his name and the dates. No Beloved son, brother, friend. Nothing. It's how his parents wanted it, it wasn't up to you. But you know if it were, you'd have some silly poem or passage he's rattled off to you more then once. Or maybe one of his works of art that you've kept. His things are still scattering your loft. It took you months to lock it all away in the back of your closet, only to pull it all out hours later, setting everything back were he last had them. It didn't feel right without them there. Without them the loft was cold and uninviting, like it was before he came running head first into your life. You thought it would be better. It hurt to much to see his things thrown everywhere, but it hurt worse without those things there. A sketch book on your desk, a shirt draped over a chair from the last time he spent the night, the second toothbrush still sitting in the holder on the sink counter.

The grave stone is dulling. You'll have replace it again, soon. Once a year, for the past ten, you've made sure it was replaced. After everything, you want him to still know he's being looked after. You still want to be there for him. His parents don't even come to see him. How could they, living so far away. You were first shocked and then angry that they were just going to leave. They were just going to put him six feet under and leave. Sure, you understand they were grieving for their son and it was too painful for them to stay in Pittsburgh where he had been murdered. Hell, even you wanted to run for the hills. Jump in the jeep with nothing and disappear. But in the end, you couldn't leave him. You couldn't leave him alone, when that was exactly what he had done to you.

They blame you. Of course they do. You were the one to show up, dance with him in front of all those homophobic assholes. You provoked them to do it. To end his life. He didn't deserve it. If anything, you know that you should have been the one to be killed. He was young and just about to start his life. He would have gotten over his puppy love of you and moved on. Found someone he could be with forever, get married, live a great life as a famous fucking artist. Yeah right, you can't fool yourself into believing that crap. When you had said all that out loud at the first family dinner you attended weeks after, you were bombarded. Debbie smacked you in the back of your head, Lindsay yelled, Melanie seemed to want to kill you herself, Michael whined that he couldn't lose his best friend (it was always about him), Vic, Ted and Emmett just looked on at you with a sadness in their eyes. You stopped attending family dinners for a few more weeks after that.

The only thing that kept you going was your little boy. Your son. Gus wasn't even nine months old yet and he was the only thing that seemed to keep you grounded. That and your work. That was, until Ryder sold to Vanguard and you were fired. The gang tried to help you out. Debbie cooked and brought food over. Lindsay brought Gus over almost daily, surprising you that it was Melanie's idea that you spend more time with your Sonnyboy. Emmett tried everything he could, which for you, wasn't much. Vic was there when you broke down and needed someone to talk to, who would listen, tell you want you needed to hear and then never speak of it again. Then came Ted and your old assistant Cynthia, who both claimed to be pulling you back onto your feet and helping you build your own advertising company. Michael was the only one who seemed to think all you needed was drugs, drinks and tricks to fuck. You just told him to shut the fuck up and go home.

Sitting in the wet grass at his grave, you think over the last ten years without him. It took a good two years just to get your company, Kinney & Taylor, up and running. Until then, you were working odd jobs like you were back in college trying to support yourself. You made sure his sister owned thirty percent of your company, whether she knew about it or not. Ten percent went to Gus and soon your second child while five percent each went to Ted and Cynthia for helping you get back on your feet. You had Lindsay design your company logo, only because the one person you would have asked was gone. You also asked her to head your art department. She accepted under one condition. You had to father another child for her and Melanie. You were fine with that, liking the idea that Gus would have a sibling. Until you found out that Melanie would be mothering this child. That made you fuss and argue until finally just giving in. Nine months later, your daughter was born. Jenny Rebecca Taylor Marcus. As a compromise for giving up your rights to Jenny Rebecca like you did Gus; the munchers allowed you to become their guardian. It allowed you to still be apart of their lives and take care of them medically if the need came to be.

You turn your head just as you feel someone touch your arm. Smiling down at your youngest child, you can't help but wonder if the child would be his if he had lived and Daphne had asked him to father the child for her. Justin Chanders Taylor Kinney is just two years old. He lives with you because Daphne didn't make it. She lived long enough to name your son, and you honored her wishes. JC is too little to understand anything yet, or so you think he is. You still can't believe he has blond hair when your own is dark brown and Daphne's was black. He has your eyes and Daphne's skin color though. You still wonder, if he was the one to father JC, if you two would be raising him together, if after all this time you still would have been together. You know, if he had survived, you would have gone back to pushing him off that famous Kinney cliff, but he would always climb his way back up and wouldn't stop. He loved you, you know that. It took you his death to admit you loved him too. But it was too late. He was gone and you couldn't tell him.

_Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday  
They said it'd bring some closure to say your name  
I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance  
But all I got are these roses to give  
And they can't help me make amends_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her_  
_I'd give up all the world to see_  
_That little piece of Heaven looking back at me_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her_  
_I've gotta live with the choices I made_  
_And I can't live with myself today_

Through the ten years he's been gone, you only ever visit him three times a year. His birthday, the anniversary of the day you met him under that street lamp and the anniversary of that fateful night you lost him. You don't tell anyone that you visit him. Talk to the grave and wonder if he can hear you. You already know that they all suspect something when you're late for Gus' birthday party every year. Your son doesn't mind, as long as you show up and stay for the rest of the party. You can't believe he'll be turning eleven this year. Time has really flown by. Jenny Rebecca has only just turned seven a few months back and JC just turned two at the beginning of the month.

It's been hard for you. You left behind the constant drinking and drugs and tricks. You thought you would use all that as a pain management, everyone did. But you didn't. You stopped all drugs and most drinking. You still drink on occasion like holidays and celebrations. You also pretty much stopped all your tricking. Not all, but most. Because seriously, you're still a guy. A very sexually active guy. There was no way you were going to suddenly become a hermit or anything. After Justin, you decided you wanted to try and settle down. But it never happened. You dated through the years, but could never seem to fall in love with anyone. The blond twink you picked up under a street lamp haunted you. You knew you wouldn't find true love because you had already found him, and he was taken from you. So you go out from time to time to the bars and clubs and have a little fun, but it's nothing like it use to be before Justin, or even that less than year he was around.

You know the gang is constantly visiting his grave. You see the flowers when you drive by, just to check up on him. You've even seen them from time to time sitting like you are now, talking to him. Probably telling him how their day went or some nonsense chit chat. You see Debbie visiting the most because she is also there to see Vic. You're just grateful everyone was able to move on and live their lives, even if you feel like time should have stopped when his heart stopped beating.

Michael met Ben and they are now living the step-ford fag life with the littlest ex-hustler they took in, who has married and adopted his own littlest ex-hustler Jr. Lindsay and Melanie have broken up at least once a year, but they always find their way back to each other, lucky for them. Emmett met the man of his dreams, football player Drew Boyd. Drew came out of the closet, retired from playing ball and he and Emmett moved away to New York where Emmett is now a famous decorator and bakery chef. Even Ted found someone. His ex-meth head turned drug councilor, Blake. Debbie met detective Carl Horvath and they just married in Vegas a year ago after both finally retired from their jobs. They are now traveling around, seeing different places like Rome and Paris and Italy.

Everyone has moved on, and it makes you happy that they have, but it also upsets you that he didn't get that chance. Someone took that away from him. Fucking Chris Hobbs and his baseball bat. You smirk, thinking about how Hobbs was sentenced to life in prison for murder. You went to visit him once, wanting to ask him why he did it. You remember him just smirking, not saying anything. Then he just stood and left you sitting there with no answers as to why. You haven't been able to go back to see him and ask again. You couldn't deal with being in the same room as the man that murdered the love of your life.

_Here we are, now you're in my arms  
I never wanted anything so bad  
Here we are for a brand new start  
Living the life that we could've had_

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand  
Me and Lucy never wanna end  
Just another moment in your eyes  
I'll see you in another life in Heaven  
Where we never say goodbye

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her_  
_I'd give up all the world to see_  
_That little piece of Heaven looking back at me_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her_  
_I've gotta live with the choices I made_  
_And I can't live with myself today_

You pick JC up and set him in your lap, his back against your chest. He reaches out with his little hands to touch the grave and you smile. You tell JC all about his momma and her best friend. You tell him though they are both gone from your lives, they are still with you. You have a picture of Daphne and Justin with their arms wrapped around each other and smiling at the camera. You remember it was taken at Justin's eighteenth birthday. It's in a frame on your office desk. You also have one on your desk at the loft and one that Gus carries around with him. Gus doesn't remember Justin, he was just a baby when you lost him anyway, of course he wouldn't remember. But you tell him all that time it was Justin that had helped name him the night he was born. It's his favorite story that you tell him and he's told you that no matter how old he gets, he'll never tire of you telling him that story.

There is no wind, but you can feel someone watching you. Someone is behind you and your breath hitches for a second, thinking one of the gang has finally found out your secret meeting with the blond that stole your heart and took it with him when he died. Finally, you turn your head and at first you think you are seeing things again like the first couple of years after his death. You see the blond hair and the blue eyes, but it's not him. It's Molly. It's his little sister. Though, she's not so little anymore. She is almost the age he was when he was killed. Just a few months until she is eighteen herself. Ten days after your son turns eleven. You've only ever seen her twice before. Once when you took Justin back to his parents after his father kicked him out. She was sitting at the top of the stairs, watching you as you, Justin and their parents sat in the living room and talked. Then when you and Justin left, she watched you leave, not saying a word. The second time was at his funeral. His parents didn't like that you had shown up, blaming you for what had happened, but you were not going to miss saying goodbye to the boy, no man, that you loved.

You return your gaze to the grave as you hear JC babbling, like he is having a conversation with someone. Maybe he is. You've read up on how kids have some sort of sixth sense. They could see and hear and talk to the dead. That gives you hope. Maybe he's talking with Justin. You give a sad smile as tears form at the back of your eyes. You blink to try and get rid of them, but it doesn't work so you just let them fall. You hear Molly approaching and then she is kneeling in the grass next to you. She lays a single red rose over the dozen you've already lain down. You watch as she touches the grave stone and closes her eyes. You feel like you are eavesdropping on something private between brother and sister, but no words are being spoken. The silence between you is broken when JC starts babbling again. You can see a smile form on Molly's face as she watches your little boy grab at the stone. You turn to look at her again and she smiles at you. Still, no words are spoken. You want to ask her when she got to town, how long was she staying, did she hate you for taking her brother away from her. Then, she starts speaking in a hushed tone.

"I just got in an hour ago and I'm staying. I'm going to PIFA to study art." She smiles back at the grave, "I use to hate you for years. I was too young to understand but I've known for years now that it wasn't your fault. You loved my brother. I don't know you and yet I know that you did. Still do." She finally looks at me again, "It wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself now."

You smile back at her, tears still running down your cheeks but you don't care. Of course she would be able to read your mind. Her brother could do it, why couldn't she? You both stay there a good hour, making small talk. You talk about Justin and learn new things you never got the chance to know about him. You tell her about Gus and Jenny Rebecca and JC. You also tell her about Kinney & Taylor and how she owns thirty percent of the company because it was something he would have done for Justin and he wanted a Taylor to have a part of Kinney & Taylor. At that revelation, she burst into tears, and you didn't seem to mind wrapping your arm around her and letting her cry on your shoulder. JC didn't like it too much, not liking to share his daddy with anyone but his brother and sister. JC's pushing on her arm makes her giggle and that just makes you think of her brother. You always made him giggle because you knew all his ticklish spots. It always brought a smile to your lips when you were in a bad mood, just like it does now.

It doesn't take long for JC to start yawning so you know it's nap time. You stand and help Molly to her feet. Together, you say goodbye to Justin and head out of the cemetery. You find out she had a cab drop her off right from the airport so you offer to drive her where she needs to go. She is staying with an old friend in her old neighborhood so you drop her off and then take JC home and tuck him into bed before falling into bed yourself. You fall asleep with images of Justin running through your mind.

_Here we are, now you're in my arms  
Here we are for a brand new start  
I got to live with the choices I've made  
And I can't live with myself today_

_Me and Lucy walking hand in hand_  
_Me and Lucy never wanna end_  
_I've got to live with the choices I've made_  
_And I can't live with myself today_

Another five years have passed. You are still running Kinney & Taylor, but Molly is now working for you. She graduated from PIFA at the top of her class and started working for you right away. You found it shocking when she introduced you to Aimee, her girlfriend. You also found it a little ironic. You guess it could have been worse, though you don't actually know how. The day she returned to Pittsburgh, you found out she had emancipated herself from her parents at sixteen and graduated from high school a year early with a score of 1400 on her SAT's, almost as good as her brother.

Gus is in high school now, a sophomore. He is a soccer player, just like you were. But he is also really into art and thanks to Lindsay and now Molly, he is wanting to attend PIFA and you couldn't be any more proud of him. Jenny Rebecca is a little rebel for eleven years old, just started junior high. She seems to be following in Melanie's footsteps with the bossing around and wanting to be a lawyer. You surprise yourself to find that you don't mind that. You will be just as proud that your little girl is making something of herself, even if she is only eleven. And JC. Little seven year old JC. He is more into super heroes then art or law or hell, even sports. You blame it on him spending too much time with Michael at that fucking comic book store over the years.

You are all still the dysfunctional family you were before and after Justin. Just a few new additions like Ted and Melanie's son Abe, only three years old. Emmett and Drew have returned, and you are not surprised to say you're happy they have. You would never admit it out loud, but you missed Emmett, even if he is still the worse dresser in the world. You found out when they moved back four years ago that they had adopted two little girls; Ariel and Kammy. Your family has also lost some. Both Ben and Hunter had lost their fight with AIDS. Ben went first, two years ago and Hunter just a few months ago. You were there for Michael both times, and you will always be there for Michael. Everyone knows that now. They have all seen the changes in you. They know you are not the same Brian Kinney since before Justin, maybe you never really were.

Now, here you and the family are, standing around the graves of Ben and Hunter and Daphne and Vic and Justin. Everyone is dressed in suits and dresses. There are lesbians and fags and heteros standing around. It's a nice day and you could have all been sitting in chairs but you didn't want to ruin the perfectly mowed grass so you are all standing. You're standing away from everyone, outside the gates of the cemetery near a small white tent that had been pitched. From where you stand, you can see his parents, feeling a little uncomfortable being around all these people and you just have to smirk. They still blame you and refuse to except you are apart of their daughter's life as a friend. They don't even except their daughter, and yet, they are here. That is something you will never understand. Seeing Aimee head up to the front, by Justin's grave, you know that is your que. You enter the tent to find Molly sitting in a chair, staring at a picture of her with Justin when she was just a baby. He is smiling down at her while tickling her belly and she is just giggling. Tears are in her eyes and it breaks your heart that he isn't here to see her walk down the aisle.

"They're all ready, are you?" You ask, softly.

She looks up at you and smiles before sniffing and carefully dabbing at her eyes. She stands and you hold out your arm for her to take. She had asked you to give her away to Aimee when her father refused. You were happy to except. You both step out of the tent and as soon as they see you, the music starts. Ariel and Kammy are ushered by Emmett to head down the path lain out with white silk, throwing red rose petals as they go. Next, JC is ushered down as the ring bearer. Once they are half down the path, Molly's best friend and maid of honor, Carly heads down on the arm of Aimee's best friend and best man, Eric. Then Molly's song starts playing and that's your next que and you both start walking. When you reach Justin's grave and ultimately, Aimee and the reverend, You kiss Molly's cheek before handing her over to Aimee and taking you place next to Luke in the front row. You look at Luke and smile as he takes your hand and intertwines your fingers before smiling. You both return your gaze to watch the ceremony as the reverend starts talking.

Molly was the one that wanted Justin at her wedding. It was your idea to have it in the cemetery. At first, you thought she was going freak at the idea, but you both knew it was going to be the only way he would be there with her on her special day. She also picked the date of that fateful night. She said it was because she wanted to change the memory of that day. You were fine with that, glad actually.

As the girls say their vows, you turn your attention to Justin's grave, just behind Molly to her left. You smile as you think about him. You didn't have much time with him, but you are grateful for the time you were given with him. He changed you, for the better. You may not have seen it or accept it while you had him, but you see it and accept it now. You close your eyes and picture the dance you shared with him before it turned into a nightmare. You can't even remember any of the bad times with him anymore, only the good and you believe that is a sign that you can move on. You can be happy again. You open your eyes again, just as Molly and Aimee kiss. Everyone cheers and you look around to find most of them crying. The parents, nothing, but you don't care and you're sure Molly doesn't either. She is happy and that is all you want for her. That is all Justin would want for her. You watch as Molly crouches down to Justin's grave stone and touches it with her lips and whispers something only Aimee can hear, standing next to her. Then they are heading back down the path towards the waiting limo you renting just for them. Yeah, you couldn't believe you had paid for the whole wedding, but you don't care. It was Molly, she was family. She deserved everything she wanted for her wedding.

You take one more look at the grave and smile before picking up JC into your arms and taking Luke's hand once more to follow the girls down the path after the maid of honor and best man. You watch the girls get into the limo after saying goodbye. You know you'll be seeing them in about twenty minutes at Babylon for the reception. You also know you'll be the second person to take Molly to the dance floor, the first being her wife of course. With that, you leave the cemetery, knowing you'll be returning on Gus' birthday once again to talk with your young blond twink named Justin.  
_  
Hey Lucy, I remember your name_


End file.
