


All Mistakes Are Temporary

by vamphile



Category: Queer as Folk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-25
Updated: 2005-12-25
Packaged: 2013-05-02 07:22:38
Rating: M
Chapters: 4
Words: 162,867
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2720139/1/
Author URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/10877/vamphile
Summary: Post 513 Not everyone is as happy as they thought they'd be about the decisions they made.basically Season Six, in which the characters return to the people we liked before CL destroyed them.





	1. Chapter 1

Brian was drunk, that wasn't new, lately Brian was drunk a lot, it felt good, well, not good but better. It had been three months since he'd said goodbye to Lindsay, and to Gus, and to Justin.

He lay on the mattress, it had been delivered to the house a couple days after the wedding had been scheduled, but he'd never bothered to have them set up the bed, he'd simply gestured towards a room, he hadn't even been paying attention to which room… so now, when he passed out in bed, he was in the room that he had planned to be Gus's.

The house had too many rooms. "I used to live in one big room that had everything," he thought now I live in a hundred rooms with nothing. And nothing was only a slight exaggeration. He had sold a lot of the furniture with the loft, modern Italian leather wasn't really the style for a Tudor country manor, and so, when he left the loft, a few hours after Justin had, he's taken his clothes, and little else.

The movers came and packed up what he hadn't sold with the loft and delivered it…

It was all in boxes in the room closest to the front door, he hadn't bothered to unpack a thing. Sometimes he felt like he was living in the castle in Citizen Kane, and sometimes, he was too drunk to think about it.

A couple of times a week Mikey stopped by and brought food from the diner, and lemon bars, which was convenient because then he could throw out the old food from the diner, and the stale lemon bars that were still sitting on the counter from the last time he'd visited.

Brian worked hard, and then worked out after work, and would sometimes stop by Mikey's for dinner, but mostly he just did anything to avoid coming back to the house, the big empty house that he lived in…alone.

He drove by Mel and Lindz's a few times, but they were gone…they called, and he talked to Gus, who was at a chatterbox age, and he smiled then as he listened to stories about t-ball and his friend Sam, who it turns out is imaginary, and then he hangs up the phone and stops smiling.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

He stops by Mikey's tonight, he just can't go back to the house yet (he just can't think of it as home either). He's already half buzzed from the joint he was smoking in the car when he knocks on the door.

Michael answers, and Brian leans in and kisses him, "hi honey I'm home, what's for dinner"

"Brian" Michael whines, "You're stoned"

"Yes, good point, so got any cheetos?"

Michael looks back at Ben apologetically and Ben just shrugs, somewhat understanding how lost Brian is.

Brian collapses on the sofa in an easy sprawl

"So, how bout a drink?" he looks at Michael

"Don't you think you've had enough to drink lately? Christ Brian, you look like hell"

"I look beautiful" Brian rubs his face; "I mean, I think so, Christ, did remember to shave today?" he's mumbling now, in that way he has.

"Never mind, I'll get it myself" he pops up with surprising agility from the sofa and finds a bottle of vodka in the freezer…

"I can always count on Mikey to have cheap vodka in the freezer, I love you Mikey"

Michael is aggravated, but sad for his friend, who is taking a very long pull straight from the bottle.

He looks at Ben and shrugs "I guess he's sleeping here tonight" Ben smiles and gives Michael a peck on the cheek,

"I'll go finish dinner, when he finds out its tofu and beans, he'll be less interested in eating anyway"

Brian, having heard the conversation takes out his phone and makes a call, he orders two large pizzas to be delivered to Mikey's and then settles onto the Sofa, which for all it's lumpy faults, isn't in that stupid ass house he hates.

NEW YORK.

Justin hates having roommates, he'd lived with Brian, which was…well, never easy, but had it's perks, and he and Daphne had been friends for so long that sharing a place with her was pretty easy, but sleeping on someone else's sofa while trying to find a place that wouldn't cost him more than 600 a month to split was killing him, and there were already three people living here, four fags, one bathroom, this s not a happy equation.

The guys were interesting enough, but they were young, well, okay they were exactly the same age he was, but they were just discovering some of the things that Justin was already bored with. They went out every night, coming home in the early hours of the morning laughing and joking about the men they'd seen, and done.

The tricks they brought home were laughable…well, maybe not, but to Justin there was nothing but Brian and he was trying to clear his mind of that. He did so by working. He found a studio space. He shared it with two other artists. One worked with classical techniques, painting Italian frescos on pieces of concrete, the other was a woman who worked with "found metal" she picked up pieces off the street, welded them together and called it art.

Justin painted, he was working on large canvases, and covering the cost of the studio space, and paint and supplies was digging deeply into his funds, but he had a couple of meetings with galleries this week, and was hoping to sell some pieces.

He missed Brian.

Justin shook his head, the idea was to NOT keep thinking that, and each time the phrase "I miss Brian" shot unwelcome into his head, he doubled his efforts to succeed, to be able to afford a place of his own, with studio space, a place where he could work, and build a life, and not feel like he'd made a huge mistake.

"I've made a huge mistake" he shook his head again, and stood back from the canvas he was working on to take it in more fully, only he knew what it was.

Most people who had seen it (about half a dozen that had wandered into the studio as friends of his "studio mates" had called it abstract but intense.

The canvas was huge, brown, almost black, with stripes of hazel, and gold emanating from the center. It was Brian's eyes, when the looked at him just before he was about to come…or yell at him, it was that stormy darkness with the light behind it that only Justin knew, well, Justin and a hundred thousand other men in Pittsburgh but only Justin had ever had the chance to really study it, most of those men, had never seen that color, they'd been in the dark, in a back alley, in the baths, they hadn't seen him in broad daylight, his eyes wide with anger, or fear, or lust, Justin had, and this is what they looked like, or would look like if they were ten feet tall and 7 feet wide.

The pattern was burned into Justin's brain, and now, it was coming to life on the canvas.

ONE MONTH LATER

Justin came back from the show very satisfied, he had sold ALL of his pieces. It had been a multiple artist show, he wasn't ready for his own show yet, but he made money, good money, enough money to get a place, and…there was a knock at the studio door.

Brian was in his office. Ted was rambling something about money, and taxes and… he tuned out, and continued to consider the copy in front of him for a new line of men's accessories, but nothing was jumping out at him.

"Brian" Ted tried to get his attention.

"Brian!" louder this time.

"What Theodore"

"I um, need you to sign these" Brian signed his name wherever the red arrow told him to. It and Ted started to walk out of his office…

"WAIT"

Ted stopped dead in his tracks.

"What did I just sign?"

"Nothing major, mortgage insurance, life insurance for Gus, a 10 salary increase for your top level executives."

"A what? For who?"

Ted had known it couldn't be that easy, but Brian hadn't been listening to him. "Brian, you're impossible"

"Thank you Teddy, I appreciate the input"

"No Brian, listen to me, you're im-poss-i-ble, you're driving everyone insane, you work 90-100 hours a week, on a slow week, you're here all the time, you're cranky, and snippy, and if you don't start shelling out some extra incentives we're gonna lose our talent pool"

Brian looked at Ted, and saw the logic to what he was saying

:"Cyn's getting a raise too?"

"Of course"

"And you Teddy, did you take care of yourself?"

"Brian, I'm one of the top execs, I am included in the package"

"Fine, but give Cyn a 20 raise, and you, well, make it 25"

"Brian are you sure?"

"Do you want to talk me out of giving you more money Ted? I thought you were a better accountant than that"

Ted smiled "right, not another word, I'll put the paperwork through"

Brian sat back down in his chair and collapsed his head onto his desk. He vaguely remembered mornings of fresh clothes in his office after he's spent the night at Mikey's he'd never really questioned how they got there. He considered the mornings he'd woken up on the sofa in his office, to find coffee and juice, or even more amazing, hot scrambled egg whites from the diner. Cynthia had been putting in more than her share of hours lately he realized, and Ted had probably been covering his ass in ways he couldn't imagine when it came to the business.

"Kinney" he said to himself, "it's time to get your head back into the game"

NEW YORK

Justin answered the door to find Jason Ranston, the owner of the gallery from the show last night.

"Mr. Ranston, come in" Justin was confused as to the mans appearance here today. They had already made arrangements for him to pick up his check at the end of the month once the pieces had been delivered.

"All of your work sold Mr. Taylor"

"All of it?"

"You're the only artist in the show who doesn't have a piece left"

"Really?" Justin was smiling and he couldn't help it, it wasn't about the money, it was about…well, it was a little about the money.

"Do you think you're ready for your own show?" he asked

"I'm not sure I have enough pieces yet" Justin answered truthfully, and gestured towards his space in the studio, which had about a half a dozen finished canvases, the rest were only partially complete, or blank.

"Mr., Taylor, here's my proposal, I'd usually take you out for coffee, at least to pitch this but I'll be honest, I'm a busy man, and there are going to be others knocking on your door today, I wanted to get here first. I need to keep your name, and your art in the public eye, so I'll take what's complete now, and I show them throughout the next few months, a few pieces at a time, and in nine months, That would be December, we feature you in your own show"

"that's very generous Mr. Ranston"

"Bullshit, I'm not being generous, I'm being proprietary, I gave you your first show, and you're going to be big, HUGE, and I want the show, I want my gallery to remain the one who discovered you, I want my gallery to be the one that reaps the profits, shared handsomely with you of course"

"Of course" Justin tried not to smile too wide.

An idea occurred to him, it was an idea he KNEW he should push back into the depths of his brain, and simply shake the mans hand, sign the papers and get to work.

"Mr. Ranston? Do I need to paint in New York"?

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, I find I've done some of my best stuff in Pittsburgh, so my thinking is, if the idea is to have a spectacular show in December, I go back to my studio there, and create where I do it best"

Now Justin was just lying, he didn't have a studio there, but he could get one, and he could be in Pittsburgh, with his mom, and Molly, and… Brian.

"I need you at the shows Mr. Taylor"

Justin's heart sank, and then bounced back

"You want your studio to show my work, and you want to reap the benefits of my success, well, you will, and I will guarantee you three appearances at showings within the next eight months, keeping my name on everyone's lips, but not over exposing myself, but in the meantime, I work in Pittsburgh, where I know my discipline is at it's best, and my concentration at it's most precise"

The studio owner offered his hand and Justin shook it.

"Do you have a lawyer?"

Justin's heart twinged a little, he used to, he used to have Mel, but now…

"I'll get one"

"Good, I'll have the contracts messengered over today"

Justin wanted to call Brian immediately, but he didn't, they weren't like that anymore…were they? He was never sure where he stood with Brian these days, he always seemed so distant on the phone the few times they'd talked.

He called Mel instead, told her the good news and listed while Lindsay gushed and Mel gave him a heat felt attaboy, then they put Gus on the phone and Justin smiled so widely his mouth hurt as he listed to Gus tell him about Sam and t-ball, and his baby sister, and then Justin asked him to hand the phone back to momma, and Mel was on the line.

"The thing is Mel, the studio is sending over the papers, and I don't have a lawyer, I was wondering if you still knew anyone in New York or even Pittsburgh whom I could trust.

Melanie thought for a moment, and rattled off a couple of names.

"You'll come for the show?" he asked

"We wouldn't miss it kiddo" Mel replied, and Justin got off the phone to make another call.

Two days later he was on a plane, and back in Pittsburgh, his mother picked him up at the airport.

PITTSBURGH

"Justin, you look great sweetie," his mom said as she greeted him.

He hugged her back genuinely happy to see her.

Neither said anything much while he picked up his luggage and the walked to her car. Once she had cleared the airport she turned to look at him

"So, where am I taking you?"

Justin shrugged and then gave up the pretence of nonchalance,

"I need to see Brian, so, I guess the loft"

"Honey, he sold the loft"

"Sold it? I figured after I left he'd take it off the market"

"No, I was at the closing myself, he sold it, and kept the house"

"THE house? is that where he's living?"

"I guess so" his mother shrugged, it's never been re-listed" she glanced over at Justin "I check every once in a while to see"

"Well, I guess take me to the house then"

"Justin are you sure?"

"I'm sure mom, I'm finally sure"

Jennifer's car pulled into the empty driveway, "Justin, sweetie, I don't think he's home"

Justin approached the front door, taking a deep breath, the door was locked, but Justin had a hunch and punched in the old loft alarm code into the number pad, and the light went from red to green, he opened the door.

He walked back to the car and kissed his mother on the cheek, "I'll call you soon" and he walked back into his country estate.

Brian was exhausted, sleep only came lately when he was too drunk or stoned to think, and then it seemed all too soon after he lost consciousness that he was pulled back to reality by his alarm. It had been a long day, and it was well past 11 pm when he finally turned off the lights in his office and headed back to the house.

Justin had gotten to the house at around seven, since then he'd been wandering the empty rooms, he found the bed, not in the master suite, just lying on the floor, and he found a room full of boxes, dusty and unopened. There were clothes, fresh from the drycleaners hung meticulously in the closet, some things never changed. There were also piles of dirty laundry and discarded cigarette packs laying everywhere. Justin had imagined Brian still in Pittsburgh a thousand times, sometimes a thousand times in a single day, he had never pictured him pacing the rooms of an empty house like Mrs. Haversham, he didn't know whether to be touched, worried, or aggravated.

His feelings varied depending on the debris he found, the several empty cases of scotch left him aggravated, as did the cigarettes, but the bed, looking so sparse, left him feeling touched, and well, worried was a bit of a constant.

He was worried about a lot of things; specifically what Brian was going to say when he found him here.

He pulled a sketchbook out of his backpack and started to draw the bed, the empty, crumpled sheets, the single pillow, the discarded cigarette boxes and overflowing ashtray, he was sketching intently when he heard the car pull into the driveway.

The minute Brian pulled in he sensed something was wrong…the lights were on, he knew he didn't leave the fucking lights on, and was the door partially open? He got out of the car and carefully swung the door inwards, but the alarm had not gone off. For a moment, a thought flickered, and he pushed it away. Then he laughed, even if someone had broken in, what the fuck were they gonna steal, a couple of stale lemon bars and a half empty pack of cigarettes? He walked into the house and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Justin"

Justin smiled; he hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath 'til he let it out

"Brian, I'm back"

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Justin was somewhat prepared for this, he wasn't silly enough to think that the sentimental Brian, who had been so open with him before the wedding would remain once his heart had been broken, but as prepared as he had been, it still saddened him to think about how much reinforcement Brian had probably put into the wall around his heart…shit, that fucker was probably steel rebar and poured concrete at this point.

Justin was wrong.

"Never mind, doesn't matter" Brian said, "You're here"

Brian decided not to process the information further than that, Justin was smiling, arms around his neck, hugging him…whatever this meant, wherever it lead, he didn't care right now.

He leaned in and kissed Justin's neck, and then possessively covered Justin's mouth with his own, his desire taking over any more thought as his tongue mapped out the terrain inside the younger man's mouth.

Justin had been prepared for a lot of greeting scenarios and while this was the one he had hoped for, he hadn't really expected it, but he responded, instantly. He felt Brian's hot breath against his neck, and then was bending backwards as the taller man took his mouth like enemy territory being reclaimed.

They pulled apart for a second, long enough to inhale, push Brian's jacket off his shoulders, where it fell in a pile behind him, his tie was next, and Justin was being backed slowly up the foyer stairs into the great room.

Brian was pulling at Justin's shirt, trying to reach skin. Justin held his arms above his head, and Brian removed the offending garment, they were at each other's flies next, grasping desperately, separating their mouths for only moments at a time, and even then, they stood, forehead to forehead, not wanting to lose contact, not even for a split second. Justin kicked off his shoes, Brian did the same and soon they were both naked, pressed against each other, standing skin to skin.

Justin started to kiss down Brian's neck, until he was even with his nipples, he took one in his mouth, licking and sucking, until Brian pulled him back up and kissed him again, Justin wrapped one leg around Brian's waist, and Brian used his hands to gesture that he should do the same with the other. Brian was holding him now, his legs wrapped around the taller mans waist as he continued to kiss him, his hands kneading Justin's ass, his mouth needing Justin's breath, he took him upstairs and fell on top of him onto the bed.

Brian raised himself up on his arms, and stared into Justin's eyes, and Justin returned the look and realized he had a million more paintings to do, because he hadn't gotten it right, nothing he'd done came close to what he was seeing. Brian leaned down and kissed him again as if his life depended on it, while his other arm searched around beside the bed…

"Dammit, he thought to himself, there's got to be one here somewhere" he had never brought a trick back to this house, but a Brian Kinney bedroom without a condom…not feasible. Then he remembered where there was one. He crawled over Justin, and the young blonde lifted his head to kiss the passing parts of Brian's torso as it moved towards the head of the bed. Brian reached over to a pile of rumpled clothes trying to find his jeans, as he stretched searching franticly for them, his cock was directly over Justin's face. Justin didn't miss a beat, his tongue shot out, licking the sweet drops of precum from Brian who groaned and almost came right then. He moved back down, his jeans in hand, kissing Justin again, and searching the pockets until he found what he was looking for.

He held up the packet with a smile as if it were a winning lottery ticket. Justin wriggled beneath him, creating a delicious friction. He ripped the package open with his teeth and got back to the matter at hand.

Justin's legs were wrapped around him, and Brian put his hands behind him on the boys ankles and pulled his feet up to his shoulders…he slowly started to enter him, it took all of the restraint he had not to just pound into him as hard as he could, and Justin's eyes were still locked on his, as he pushed slowly, the plan to go slow was shot to hell when Justin bucked his body onto Brian's cock, impaling himself.

Brian pumped him hard, bending him in half to lean in and kiss him. Justin's hands were clawing at Brian's back, trying to get closer, to pull the man inside him, inside his skin where they could never be separated again, the friction of Brian against him, Brian leaned back a little, his hands finding Justin's and intertwining their fingers, he leaned back in, and they both shot, Justin into the small space between their bodies and Brian deep into the condom inside Justin.

Brian literally wanted to pinch himself to make sure it wasn't a dream, but it wasn't, and if it was…well, he just never wanted to wake up. He pulled himself off of Justin, reluctantly; he wasn't trying to crush the life out of him. As he pulled out, he watched the beautiful blonde face show that small twinge of longing that he always showed when he was left feeling empty, that small moment before he would curl up against Brian and cling to him.

Brian flopped onto his back on the bed, removing the used condom and dropping it inside a half crumpled cigarette box. Justin moved closer to Brian, settling his head on Brian's shoulder.

Brian smiled, "so, how long you in town for?"

Brian could feel Justin smiling against his shoulder "how long do you want me for?"

End chapter one.

Chapter Two

Brian awoke, feeling rested for the first time in months. It was the first time he'd slept, not passed out, since Justin had left, and he felt…well, he felt warm, actually hot, and sticky, and Justin had apparently crashed as well, he could only see the top of his blonde head without moving, and if he moved he'd wake him, so he stayed still, and tried not to focus on the fact that the kid was drooling on his shoulder.

His right arm reached out beside the bed, discarding several crumpled boxes before finding the half full pack of cigarettes, he maneuvered one out, using only his right hand, as his left was somewhat trapped under the very hot drooling kid that may now be permanently attached to his side. He found a lighter on the floor, lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply.

"How long do you want me for?" those were the last words Justin had said before they had both fallen asleep… what did that mean? Was he back for good? What was he giving up to be here? Brian realized that while he would never give up an opportunity to fuck Justin, he would always pass on the opportunity to fuck Justin over, or let him fuck up his life just to be with him. His head began to spin and he lazily took another drag from his cigarette. He was startled when Justin removed it from his mouth and took a drag himself.

"Morning" Brian said with a half smile as Justin rolled onto his back.

Belatedly Justin realized that he had been drooling, on Brian's shoulder yet, he was embarrassed, as Brian took the cigarette back and Justin wiped his mouth with his hand. He searched around the bed for something to use to dry Brian's shoulder and came up with a tissue; Brian moved his hand away before he used the wrinkled Kleenex.

"Trust me, your morning drool is cleaner than whatever's in that"  
Justin, understanding dawning flicked it away and just lay back on the bed

they lay in silence, passing the cigarette back and forth as if it were a joint. And then Brian lit a second one, and they did the same, and then a third.

Justin, inhaling from the fourth cigarette in a row finally got the nerve to speak

"Are we going to just lay here getting lung cancer or should we eventually talk?'

He turned to his side, to see the flicker across Brian's face and belatedly remembered that lung cancer, hell, cancer at all was probably not the best topic for sarcastic banter, but Brian recovered quickly, he stood up and leaned his head into his own armpit.

"god I stink, I need a shower"

Justin stood as well,

"I'll make something for breakfast"

He wasn't ready yet to fall back into the easy rhythm of showering together. Brian smiled

"Good luck" and took off for the bathroom

Justin searched for something to wear; he wasn't comfortable enough in this house yet to walk around naked. While it was obvious Brian didn't have a maid, he had no idea who may or may not be expected. He tiptoed downstairs wearing one of Brian's t-shirts and found his duffle bag, where he grabbed a pair of sweat pants and padded off to the kitchen.

Brian showered quickly, when he found his phone he made a quick call to the office to tell them he wouldn't be in today, Cynthia assured him there were no dire meetings scheduled, and all would be well, and he headed to the kitchen where he was greeted with an aggravated young blonde.

"There is nothing to eat here."

Brian, his hair still wet gave a shrug and a smile, "I know"

Justin surveyed the inside of the fridge, and it was exactly as he remembered Brian's fridge to be, empty, save for poppers, a few bottles of beer, and a box of baking soda…there wasn't even an avocado

He had been hopeful about the Styrofoam containers from the diner, but the food looked old, and dried up, and the lemon bars in the box on the counter were better used as percussion instruments than foodstuffs. The cabinets were bare, no pasta, no canned goods… Brian had never been to a grocery store since moving here. It became more and more clear with each moment just how much Brian had left his life on hold while Justin was away.

"Okay then" Justin said, turning to face Brian, we're going out for breakfast, I'll be down in a few minutes.

Brian sat on the bench at the end of the kitchen, it was a built in, and thus, one of the few seating options in the house. Then he heard the shower running.

The thought of Justin, naked, wet, soapy, went straight through him, and he stood up, walked slowly upstairs, and removed his clothing outside the bathroom door, he let himself in, and pressed his chest against the young mans back, snaking his arms around his waist.

Justin leaned back, his head resting against Brian's shoulder as he allowed the taller man to take the soap from his hand.

"God I'm starving" Justin said, reaching for the shampoo. Brian took the bottle from him, and squeezed some onto his hand, and then commenced lathering up the blonde hair, massaging the scalp. Justin groaned.

"Just tell me there's someplace decent to eat around here and that we don't have to drive all the way into the city"

Brian shrugged, "haven't actually explored the town yet myself, but there must be something. Don't worry sunshine, I won't let you starve" and with that he spun the boy around, kissing him while the water sluiced over both their bodies, covering them with the sudsy shampoo residue from Justin's hair.

The kissing became more intense, and each felt their desire growing.

"This'll work" Brian thought, "we'll just keep fucking and then we'll never have to talk, hell I did that for 29 years before I met the kid, I'm sure I could do it again"

Justin was thinking along similar lines.

Turns out, he was comfortable with their morning shower routine. More than comfortable, and only when they were completely out of hot water, did the two emerge from the shower significantly cleaner, and a little more tired than they had been when they had first entered.

Eventually Brian was dressed again, and Justin had dug up a pair of cargo pants and a long sleeve t-shirt that wasn't too covered in paint. When he emerged Brian laughed.

"What?"

"You're covered in paint"

Justin looked himself over; there were a couple of smudges on his elbow, and a few small areas where he'd used his pants to wipe the paint off his fingers.

"I've been working really hard, this is as paint free as I get" he shrugged and kissed Brian while pulling him out the door

"C'mon, I'm STARVING"

"Yes" Brian said "food"

They'd been driving for about five minutes in complete silence when Brian spoke first. "So, why are you here?"

Justin took a deep breath and began at the beginning, with the shared apartment and the studio space. He left out almost no detail of his life in New York as he regaled Brian. They had found a diner, ordered, and eaten half of their breakfasts before he was finished.

"So my mom dropped me off at the house and then I waited for you and you were there for the rest of it"

Brian put down his fork,

"So you're really back for good?"

"Yeah, I mean, like I said, I've got to do a couple weekends in New York over the next couple of months but I'm gonna be based out of Pittsburgh from now on. Oh, and I'll probably have to spend a couple weeks in New York in December, once we're setting up for the show"

"So you're really back for good?" Brian asked again, trying to stop smiling like a pathetic retarded idiot.

Justin looked up, and wondered if Brian's face had possibly broken, he'd never seen him smile like that. "Yeah, I'm back for good"

There was a lot to discuss, in theory, they both knew it, and yet, in a seemingly mutual and unspoken decision…today wasn't the day.

Brian paid the check and they got back in the car.

"There's a shopping center down the street, we should go to the market, unless you're willing to live on poppers and single malt scotch. I've been doing it for a while, and it's not half bad really."

Justin gave him one of those looks that ONLY Justin, and maybe Debbie could get away with and he nodded "right, to the market"

Chapter Three

Brian grabbed a cart and braced himself, he hated grocery shopping and doing so with Justin was going to be a lesson in patience, he already knew that about him.

He headed off to the left, and Justin grabbed the cart and pulled in the other direction. "All the frozen food and refrigerated stuff in on the left, you have to start on the right or the ice cream will be melted before we get to the checkout."

"Who said we're buying ice cream?"

"Brian, this way" Justin pulled the cart

"Christ, you really are a good little housewife"

"And you love me for it" Justin stood on the bottom of the cart and leaned over to kiss Brian. They moved on to the produce section.

"You know" Justin said "that was probably a bad idea"

"The grapes" Brian asked, "I thought you liked grapes."

"Not the grapes you dope, the kiss, we're not exactly on Liberty Avenue anymore"

"No we're not" Brian said as he walked around the cart and pulled Justin closer, "but that's not going to get me to stop kissing you"

"Brian" Justin giggled as he felt the hot breath on his neck.

"Fine" Brian said, "no touching" and he continued to walk the produce section, tossing a few things into the cart, pretending not to notice Justin pouting behind him.

"I didn't say NO touching"

Brian turned back and pulled Justin closer again and whispered in his ear "I don't do anything halfway"

Justin nibbled his earlobe and whispered back "and I love you for it."

They meandered through the aisles buying everything a kitchen might need, spices, oils, flour, sugar, all the basics, and while doing so they were chatting amicably about the house.

"So, we should really have the bathroom remodeled" Justin said

Brian raised an eyebrow, but listened

"We should get a double headed steam shower"

"Is the honeymoon over already? You can't stand being close to me in the shower?"

A customer pushed her cart by them and gave them an odd look, Justin leaned in closer to Brian and kissed him again "I love being close to you in the shower, but at some point, we may have to admit that we do need to get clean and leave said shower"

"We did, we did that today"

"Once all the hot water was gone"

"How does this make a double shower head steam shower thing you're talking about more efficient as far as time goes?"

Justin scrunched up his face trying to come up with a reasonable excuse for wanting one and finally he found it

"Because I want one!"

Brian laughed, "that is the best reason you've given me yet…I'll call the contractor tomorrow."

"Really?" Justin was literally jumping up and down like a little kid.

"Yeah, really, the house needs a lot of work, ugh" Brian rolled his eyes "and furniture, I think we're gonna have to buy some furniture"

Justin laughed, we definitely need at least a sofa and a bed…or if not a bed a second pillow, I can't drool on your shoulder every night" he blushed at the memory

Brian stood stock still, his breath was suddenly shallow, but he shook it off, it was just a moment, but seeing the boy blush, he had forgotten he still did that, it was something he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to.

"Yeah, we need to get you a pillow" If it were up to Brian, the kid could drool on his shoulder every night, but he could see the basic common sense in having more than one pillow on a bed for two."

"And the stables"

"What about them?" Brian asked

"Well, I figured they'd get the best light, so I could put a studio up in the stables, but it has to get done kind of fast, cause I have got to get some work done. Or I guess I could just rent a space somewhere."

Brian smiled, not ready to reveal all the houses surprises just yet. "We'll get it done fast"

While unloading the groceries and trying to decide where everything should go the continued to amicably chat about possible renovations.

"Really, that's Gus's room?"

"Yeah" Brian replied, "at least I always figured it was"

"Then why is your bed in it?"

"It was the very first door at the top of the stairs"

"And the boxes in the parlor?"

"Parlor?"

"Yes, that's the official name for a formal sitting room, which is what that's supposed to be"

"Oh, well, the boxes are there because."

"Let me guess," Justin cut him off "it was closest to the door"

Brian smiled, "got it in one"

"So, you switched from Jim Beam to single malt scotch, and other than that, have made not a single change in your life or this house?"

"Oh I made changes to my life, just no changes to the house, and Christ, my decorator called daily for three weeks before I finally had to tell him to fuck off… um, Justin, I think we're gonna need a new decorator"

"You tell lots of people to fuck off, surely you can apologize"

"I'm not so sure, he caught me at a really bad time"

"Brian, what did you say to him?"

"I honestly don't remember exactly, but there was an implied bestiality reference, and a mention about finding nicer crap at target than what he could provide"

Justin doubled over with laughter. In the several changes the loft had gone through over the years Justin had run into Brian's decorator on a few occasions. He made Emmet look straight, and a Spanish telenovella seem low key on the drama, Justin couldn't stop laughing as he pictured the mans reaction to Brian telling him that target had nicer stuff. When he finally wiped his eyes of tears he pulled it together long enough to agree "we're gonna need a different decorator…or"

"Or?"

"Or, we could do it ourselves"

"Fuck that"

Justin approached Brian, leaning into him, kissing his neck, and whispering, "it could be fun"

"Lots of things are fun, haggling with contractors and furniture suppliers are not on that list, plus you have to concentrate on your show, and I still have a business to run, we're getting another decorator, I'll have Cynthia find someone"

"Shit, Brian, I have to get art supplies, I'm gonna have to rent a van, there's no way it'll fit in your car"

"Justin we're in the suburbs, we're gonna have to get you a car period"

"Okay, we'll get a second car but I'm paying for it"

"The fuck you are"

"Why cant' I pay for my own car?"

"Because I don't want some piece of shit leaking oil on our lovely driveway or breaking down on the turnpike all the time"

"And of course I'd buy a piece of shit. Brian, do you have any idea how many canvasses I sold when I was in New York, or how much they went for?"

"Yes, I do, you sold all 14 that were ever up for sale, at an average cost of $6500.00 per piece, after taxes, and gallery commissions your net worth is somewhere in the area of fifty thousand dollars, almost enough to pay back your school loan, but hardly enough to buy a car and the supplies you'll need for the show.

Justin stared at him

Brian shrugged "Ted's your accountant, and teddy works for me"

"So he broke client confidentiality?

"No, I just searched his files"

"So you were checking up on me"

"All the damn time"

Justin wanted to be mad, but he wasn't.

Justin pouted, "you're going to ask me to pay back the loan rather than buy the car and supplies I need?'

"No, but you do need that money for art supplies, and…"looking Justin up and down, "some clothes that are NOT covered in paint. I'll tell you what; we'll buy the car together. You make the down payment, and I'll cover the payments"

"Fine, but only because I'm gonna need a lot of supplies, they want at least 40 pieces done by October, and I've got a few already planned, in multiple media"

"Shit, Brian, I'm gonna have to rent studio space, there's no way the stables could be done in time"

"You're right, the stables will never be done in time, but come here"

"Where are you taking me?"

Brian tucked two fingers through the waist of his pants and pulled Justin forward. They walked through the kitchen to the utility room, with a washer and dryer and huge sink, beyond that was another door; Justin hadn't paid any attention to this space when he had been examining the house. He had ducked his head in, noticed a laundry room and ducked his head back out. But Brian led him through the door into the most beautiful space he'd ever seen.

"They called it the sun room, but I had it renovated a little, it was going to be your wedding present"

"The room was perfect, warm tile floors, and light coming in from every angle.

"Look" Brian pointed out, the shades are on a remote, so you can vary and filter the light anytime you want, plus, Enormous amounts of storage, a huge sink, and my personal favorite feature…"

He led Justin further into the depths of the room where there were already a few easels and some un-stretched canvases waiting for him. In the corner next to the large industrial sink was another door, and inside was a small bathroom, with a shower, a full steam shower that shot from twelve different points along the wall

"This way, you don't have to traipse through the house covered in paint."

Justin was in tears "you did this for me?"

"I do everything for you, I thought you were on to me about that"

"I thought I was, but you keep fucking surprising me"  
"so, do you think you can work here? There's a stereo in the corner, and…"

Brian's verbal tour of the room was truncated by a passionate kiss from Justin.

Justin turned on the new shower, and got the water as hot as he could stand it, and then he dragged Brian, clothes and all into it with him. And together, they christened the new shower, and then the new studio space. And when they were sure they were completely exhausted, they threw their wet clothes into the washing machine, and then christened the utility room.

Brian found the pack of cigarettes he'd rescued from his jacket pocket, they had been protected from the shower by the leather of his jacket. He lit two and gave one to Justin.

He sat on top of the washer, Justin hoisted himself onto the dryer and they sat together in silence for a few minutes.

"So tomorrow, we buy a car."

"Justin smiled, and today, we go back out and buy a pillow"

Brian groaned but he knew there was no getting out of it…

"Right, as soon as you can walk again, we're off to shop for a pillow, a waterproof one."

Justin blushed again, and Brian talked himself down from christening the hallway outside the utility room.

They spent the rest of the day catching up on the little things in Brian's life since the non-wedding incident.

End chapter three.

Chapter Four

The bed now had seven pillows. In a classic Kinney act of over indulgence, once the found the down pillows he was looking for, they bought six. And then there was the one pillow that had been there previously. Brian couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so well, and he was genuinely amused to find that all of that pillow testing, and all of the ways they'd used them last night to prop up their bodies, for better angles and better lines of vision at what one was doing to the other, the one thing that hadn't changed was where Justin chose to lay his head. The kid was drooling on his shoulder again, and he was actually pleased. "I really have changed" he though to himself as he lay his head back on his pillows and once again lit a cigarette one handed.

Justin awoke to the smell of cigarette smoke, and the feeling of being well rested, it was something he hadn't felt in a while, lumpy couches in loud dorm like settings were great, if you were into that, but laying here, resting your head on the shoulder of the man you loved that was…

Suddenly he became aware that he'd done it again, and pulled himself off of Brian embarrassed.

Brian put his cigarette out quickly and leaned over to kiss his boy wonder. "If you're gonna get upset every time you wake up your head on my shoulder we're going to have a lot of difficult mornings" he continued to hold his body over the younger mans and leaned in to kiss him. Justin knew it had to be love, because the taste of Brian's kiss was wonderful, and morning breath, mixed with scotch, cigarettes and a faint taste of himself, why was that so erotic? The answer was simple, because it was the taste of Brian.

Brian felt Justin responding to the kiss and pulled back just a bit to give him that obnoxious and knowing smile that only he could pull off without seeming like the worlds biggest asshole.

"You can drool on my shoulder anytime Sunshine." And he watched the boy blush. Brian secretly hoped that Justin would never stop being embarrassed about something so stupid. Being able to make him blush like this was something Brian truly enjoyed.

Justin covered his face with his hands to hide his embarrassment. They slowly moved up to his hair as he arched his back and responded to Brian's hands which somehow seemed to be everywhere on his body at once.

Justin then wrapped his arms around Brian and rolled him over, staring into his hazel eyes he shook his head slowly back and forth and smiled "my turn" he began to kiss down Brian's neck, stopping once in a while to thoroughly hit a particular spot. He moved further down his chest, his hands blazing the trail his mouth would soon follow. He stopped at Brian's nipples and licked, and sucked, and then bit, pulling the nipple with his teeth until Brian's back arched following Justin's mouth. When he let go Brian whimpered, and Justin smiled. He was planning on taking his time.

Each movement was slow, and deliberate. He kept his mind focused because if he thought too much about what he was doing, he would be sucking Brian off in a matter of minutes.

He continued his slow decent, kissing along the line of Brian's abdomen, stopping with his mouth directly over Brian's hard cock. He breathed open mouthed, his hot breath making Brian twitch, and smiled, and then with a single lick, moved lower to Brian's thighs. Brian groaned. He knew exactly what the kid was doing; he was torturing him, not entirely unfairly, as Brian had taught him this technique through his own usage of excitement/denial pairing.

Justin was an excellent pupil, he had learned well. He was licking and sucking the inside of Brian's thighs, his hands stretching up to pinch a nipple or rub against his chest.

After what seemed like an eternity Justin moved his head up to lick lightly at Brian's balls, which only made him buck harder, but Justin put his hands on Brian's hips and held him down against the bed as he concentrated all of his energies on prolonging this moment.

Brian tried not to move, but his head was thrown back, and his mouth open, taking deep raspy breaths. "Justin, just fucking suck me off," he panted. Justin stopped completely. He crawled back up the bed until he was face to face with Brian. "No talking. Now I have to start all over again" and to Brian's amazement he did, starting again at the neck, when he moved down to his nipple again, completely ignoring his cock Brian couldn't help himself "you've got to be fucking kidding me." Justin moved his head back up to kiss Brian, not at all, and see, now I've got to start AGAIN." he smiled evilly and began again on the taller mans neck. Brian finally got the message, but he wasn't sure how long he could hold out if Justin was serious. But he was, and it was quite some time later, and at least two other restarts before Brian and Justin both got what they wanted.

Justin crawled back up to lay next to Brian, the taste of him in his mouth, his own come all over Brian's chest. He considered licking it off of him but honestly, he tongue was tired; Brian had taken longer than he expected to learn the lesson, and thus, they really should get a move on if they were going to shower.

"That was so fucking HOT" Brian said

Justin just smiled, and rolled over to get a better look at Brian, who was as beautiful to him in full lust as he was in sated exhaustion.

"Well, I learned from the best."

Brian laughed, and now, I teach you the art of the deal, C'mon kiddo, we've got a car to buy.

Justin groaned. "Today? Couldn't today be a 'stay in bed, read the paper, kind of day'?

"When did you start reading the paper?"

"Do you even get the paper delivered?"

'No, so if you want to read the paper, you have to get up"

Justin pouted

"Yeah, that pout has always worked with me" Brian threw over his shoulder sarcastically.

Justin heard the siren call of the shower and padded across the hall to join him.

"So" he said while washing Justin's hair "what kind of car do you want sonny-boy?"

Justin's knees almost buckled, he had missed being called that. He took a deep breath and laughed.

"I don't know, something practical, that will fit paint and large canvases"

"A mini van?" Brian had that half smile he used when he was trying not to seem mocking, yet needed to make it clear that he was TOTALLY mocking someone.

"No, don't be stupid, I'm not a soccer, mom, I'm an artist. I was thinking a regular van, or a pickup truck, with a cap."

"So you're not a soccer mom but you're willing to be a lesbian?"

Justin laughed, "don't be gross"

"They finished their shower and moved on to more interesting things to do with soap and naked bodies, and hot water.

When the hot water ran out, Justin kissed Brian and shaking his head of excess water said, "we need a bigger hot water heater"

"No shit"

"Well, just make sure we tell the contractor"

"Absolutely" Brian said while he towel dried the blonde's hair. It was easy, and comfortable this morning routine, they'd fallen back in the rhythm quickly.

In the kitchen Brian mentioned again that Justin needed clothes that were paint free, and Justin just stuck his tongue out at him and opened the fridge. He took out carton of juice and the eggs, and then stopped dead.

"What?" Brian said, immediately worried, Justin looked upset,

"Oh shit, I wanted to make you breakfast" there was a tear coming down Justin's cheek, he wiped it, but not quickly enough, Brian saw it

"Did something happen" he asked quietly, "Are you okay? You can make me breakfast if you want."

"We didn't buy any pots or pans or glasses, or bowls, or silverware, or …"

Brian didn't hear the rest of what he was saying, he pulled him close and held the kid who honestly seemed about to cry. As for himself, Brian was trying not to laugh.

"There will be plenty of time to make me breakfast."

"But I wanted this morning to be perfect."

"Yeah well, nothings perfect, haven't you learned that by now"

"Jesus Brian, do you always have to be such a shit, I was trying to do something nice for you."

"And you did, several times already this morning." He took the carton of eggs from Justin's hand "eggs are not the definition of perfect, in my book"

Justin leaned back from him, looking into his eyes "you don't like my eggs?"

Brian wasn't sure if he was going to laugh or…no he was going to laugh.

"I love your eggs, I just don't NEED you to make me eggs in the morning for it to be a perfectly perfect morning, but the more I think about it, a double headed steam shower with mega capacity hot water heater might do the trick" he kissed the boy, pulling their bodies together. Now, lets go find a bagel or something and buy you a car"

Justin followed him out the door, "okay, but we have to buy pots and pans and stuff today too."

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and then looked up and smiled "if that's what makes it perfect for you" and with that, they were off.

Once at the auto mall they drove past a couple of dealerships. Trying to decide what they wanted to look at first.

"I should get something used" Justin said

"You're not getting a fucking used car."

"Why not, it's practical, and it can still be reliable, and the inside is just going to get covered with paint anyway, everything I own ends of covered in paint these days."

"I noticed, but I don't want a car someone's already had sex in. This is our car to christen"

"I thought it was MY car"

"It is, but were you planning of christening it with someone else?"

"No" Justin laughed, I'm just saying, we have like a gazillion rooms in the house, why is it important that the car be." Brian cut him off

"Cause you deserve a new car, so we're getting you a new car, end of this conversation."

Justin was touched, but also a bit confused, the old Brian, the Brian who had a tendency to react like an asshole based on emotions no one could possibly understand, sometimes not even Justin, was rearing it's head. Justin shook his head to clear his thoughts.

Ooh, pull in there.

Brian looked at him as if he'd just asked for them to make a quick stop at the goodwill for furniture. "Here?"

"Yeah, Toyotas are reliable"

"And boring"

What, should I go buy a jeep like your old one?

"There was nothing wrong with my jeep"

"And there's nothing wrong with the 'vette, except it seems to be the least fuckable space you own"

"And a Toyota would be better?"

Justin leaned in and whispered in Brian's ear, "it's not for you, it's for me."

Brian shrugged and pulled into the dealership.

After being schmoozed by a salesman who was trying desperately not to notice that he was selling a car to a couple of fags, they took one for a test drive.

"What do you think?" Justin asked of Brian

"I still think it's boring, but now I can add ugly and uncomfortable too"

Justin took the first turn the salesman pointed out. "It's got automatic seat warmers, you're ass will never be cold"

"I've never been accused of having anything other than a hot ass" Brian replied

The salesman was turning fourteen shades of red and Brian leaned forward behind the drivers seat and whispered something into Justin's ear. Justin laughed out loud and smiled, they took the car back to the dealership and stared at it.

"It is really ugly"

"I already told you that"

"And expensive for something that ugly"

"So we move on?"

"We move on"

They got back in Brian's car and headed down the road a short ways when Justin saw it.

"THERE!" it's perfect

Brian looked at him, hoping to go he was kidding "that is the ugliest thing I've ever seen"

"I love it"

"You would'

They walked into the dealership and started playing with the inside features.

"Christ, it's a fetish car, the entire inside is lined in rubber"

"That makes it perfect, it'll be easy to get the paint off the floor and doors, and look, the doors open like it's a barn door, that's ideal"

"Ideally ugly"

"Brian, you said it was my car"

"I didn't know you were going to pick the ugliest car ever produced"

"Well, we can't all drive around in little green penises"

"Fuck you"

"Later, right now, I have to drive this car"

The salesman gave them the keys and they took off to test drive the Honda Element.

"The sound system rocks" Justin pointed out

" The floor is made of rubber," Brian countered

"The seats lay all the way back"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with that"

"It will serve my purposes perfectly"

'Have I mentioned that this is the ugliest car I've ever seen"

"No it isn't Brian said smiling, this is the blue one"  
"what's your point?"

"I'm getting the orange one" Justin smiled, it was his "I win" smile, he rarely got to use it on Brian, it was something he used more often with molly, but the look on Brian's face when he realized that this kid was going to buy and orange box as his new car… it was too much fun for Justin not to revel in it.

Brian made a few quick phone calls while they headed back to the dealership.

"What are you doing"?

"Making sure you're insured so you can buy this fucking ugly piece of shit"

"Really, you're gonna let me have it?"

"Is this the car you want?"

"It really is Brian"

"Then you can have it, but you have to park it in the garage. I can't come home every night and have to look at that thing, I'll be too nauseated to eat"

"Right Justin nodded, I'll park it in the garage, which, ahem, means that you'll be leaving the 'vette, outside all winter long?"

Brain moaned, "anyone ever tell you how aggravating you are"

"Mostly just you, but I know you don't mean it"

"No, I mean it"

The next couple of hours were the most boring Justin had ever spent, Brian seemed to be actually having a good time negotiating for the car, Justin just wanted it, but of course, Brian couldn't just sign a paper, he had to do a bazillion other paperwork things first, and so when all was finally said and done, the car was insured, and paid for, and the title was transferred and the new tags put on, and they handed the keys to Brian, who handed them right over to Justin.

"It's your car now" he leaned in and kissed the blonde boy who right now looked more like Gus's age than his own.

"C'mon, lets go get some lunch" I'll drive

Brian looked hesitant "you want me to drive around in that thing?"

"Yeah, your car will be safe here for a few hours, and we have to get stuff, and there's more room in here and a thousand logical reasons but mostly, I want to play with my new toy."

Brian laughed, he was eventually going to have to stop indulging Justin's every whim, but that wasn't gonna be today, so he climbed in the passenger seat, and as they took off he lit a joint.

He handed it over to Justin, who waved it away "Brian, I'm driving"

"I know, but we have to do boring shit, lets make it less boring"

Justin took a hit "fine, but I'm not getting totally stoned with you, we never get anything done when we're totally stoned"

"Well, we do each other"

"That's not what I meant" Justin took another short toke and Brian took the spliff back and inhaled deeply.

"Food"

Justin smiled, and pulled into the mall parking lot.

"There's a food court"

"Is there food there?"

"Brian you're totally stoned"

"I know, that's why I need food, and why I'm letting you take me to a mall in the suburbs, and why I'm not spanking your for suggesting we eat at the food court"

"Brian I came here cause there's a Williams Sonoma, so we can get kitchen stuff, or else all the food we bought yesterday is useless, we can't even eat the ice cream, we don't have spoons"

Brian started to laugh

"Christ you're really stoned"

"I know, get stoned with me"

"If I get stoned with you…"

Brian cut him off with a kiss, that was actually a transfer of smoke from his lungs to Justin's."

"Do it again"

Brian did

And soon they were both so stoned that the in fact did eat at the food court, from several different vendors. And then made their way up to Williams Sonoma, but on the way they passed the Godiva store.

"I fucking love this shit" Brian practically yelled

Justin was too busy laughing to even shush him.

A half hour and about $200.00 later, they left Godivas with a bag in hand, and chocolate on their tongues.

"You missed a spot," Brian said, as he leaned in and licked a small amount of chocolate off of Justin's lips. Justin giggled.

When they finally got to Williams Sonoma they had decided that they needed to seem more normal, so they walked in, trying to look very serious. It lasted about five minutes and then Brian held up a Mexican hand painted dish with a large chicken on it

"Should we go for the big cock pattern?"

Justin couldn't stop laughing, so they moved themselves to the back of the store.

"Brian, this is serious, we're gonna have to look at these dishes all the time, we should totally pay attention and pick something that we like, and I can't concentrate if you're going to continue nibbling on my ear like that." Brian stopped.

"Okay now I can't concentrate because you're not nibbling on my ear and I miss it."

Brian rolled his eyes in mock martyrdom, "anything for my little sonny boy" and he pulled him against his chest, and rested his chin on Justin's shoulder and together they studied the place setting options.

Brian pointed to one

"You are obviously very stoned" Justin said, and pointed to a contrasting set in vibrant colors

"Yes, because I've always wanted dishes that looked like I bought them at wal-mart"

Justin sighed, how 'bout these, they're pretty classic? "They were white with an intricate but small blue pattern around the edge, the salad plates and coffee mugs that went with them were in that blue.

"They match your eyes, lets get them"

"We can't buy plates because they match my eyes"

"Why not?"

"Um, because it's 'ridiculously romantic"

"No, it's just easier, then when anything else has to match I don't have to worry about it, cause I can always pick out the color of your eyes"

Justin looked at him, and realized that he was too stoned to know that what he'd just said was unbearably sweet, so he kissed him, hard.

"Mmmmmm, you taste like chocolate"

They went on to choose silver ware, and glasses and a set of all-clad cook ware and bake ware, and a juicer, and well, every stupid device that makes people go "why would you need one of these" and then you either make up a reason, or say "maybe the person who buys those is high"

And so when everything was loaded into the back of the car, they were both mellow but no longer actively stoned, and were suddenly laughing because they had just purchased moose shaped pancake shapers, and seriously, how stoned do you have to be to think those are a good idea.

Justin was still happier than he'd ever been.

He dropped Brian off at his car, and headed back towards the house.

Brian got into his car, lit a cigarette and took a minute to smile before heading back to the house.

Each of them tried not to feel weird not being within arms reach of the other, but it was the first time in 48 hours that they had been apart, and it brought back memories for the both of them.

End chapter 4

Chapter Five

Brian was driving back to the house, back _home_ and trying not to think. Thinking was bad, thinking lead to ideas, ideas led to sharing the ideas, that led to conversation, conversation led to discussion, discussion led to conclusion and a conclusion could end up being not what you want.

Brian had never liked things that weren't what he wanted so he was concentrating fiercely on not thinking.

Justin was thinking, he liked thinking. Thinking led to ideas, which lead to new concepts, which led to trying new things, ideas were fun.

They both reached the house within moments of each other, and Brian said nothing when Justin pulled his car into the garage, and Justin said nothing when Brian pulled his car in next to it.

"It's still ugly"

"I still love it"

Brian leaned in to kiss him against the ugly orange box with rubber trim and…Justin's phone rang.

"Hi Deb"

"Sunshine, your mom told me you were in town"

"And I am"

:"Well it's Friday night, family dinner, and you will be there, I don't want to hear another word about it"

"ummm, I'm not sure Deb," he said, as Brian manipulated the young mans body in ways that made debs rigatoni the very last thing on his mind, "I might have some…" he gasped and tried to wriggle out of Brian's grasp but only succeeded in entangling the two bodies closer together "erm, some stuff to do." He finished lamely.

"Bullshit, you have all the time in the world to do stuff, tonight you're coming to dinner"

"I'll try Deb, I really will"

"You'll do more than try sunshine, I haven't seen you in ages, you're probably skinny as a rail"

"Deb, I said…"

"Great, I'll see you at seven"

He closed his phone and half moaned at the feel of Brian kissing the skin he'd exposed on his belly by pushing his shirt up, and half groaned at the concept of Deb's patented Friday night family dinners. He was about to mention it to Brian when Brian's phone rang.

Brian smiled and answered

"Hi Deb"

'Hey asshole, dinner tonight, no excuses, you haven't been in weeks, and you're coming"

"I may have… stuff to do" he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively at the broadly smiling blonde who was now unbuttoning Brian's shirt and kissing each new piece of exposed flesh.

"You'll be there or I'm never serving you coffee at the diner again"

"Yes, and I'm sure I'd die without those cups of black poison you've been serving me for years" he tried not to moan, as he ineffectually tried to remove Justin from his left nipple

"You would and you know it, so seven o'clock, and don't be late your majesty"

"I'll try Deb" but she'd already hung up.

Justin continued his ministrations but Brian's head wasn't in the game. Justin noticed his lack of response and leaned back against his car, "so what's up?"

"Family dinner, as I'm sure you've heard."

"Yeah, I've kind of missed those"

Deb always made pasta on Fridays and there was a standing invitation to all who were a part of their extended family.

Emmet still living with Debbie was there whenever there wasn't a party to give. Ted and Blake were pretty reliable, Michael Ben and Hunter were a given and back in the day Mel, Lindz, Gus and JR were pretty regular guests themselves.

Since Vic was gone, even with Carl around, these dinners were more important to Debbie, so most of them made an effort to come at least a couple of times a month.

When Mel and Lindz were still around Brian made more of an effort, he loved seeing Gus, and it was one of the few chances he got to see him without feeling like an intruder in the muncher's happy home life.

And Justin had enjoyed them in his day, but now that they were … what were they? Back together…trying it again, something, and Brian wasn't sure he was ready to go public.

"We could get out of it" he exhaled a stream of cigarette smoke as he looked at Justin trying to decided if the kid wanted to go or not.

"We could" Justin agreed, "or… we could go, and just get it over with in one fell swoop, hell, once Deb and Michael know, it will be no time at all until everyone knows and then it's there, out in the open"

"Is that where we want it? Fuck out in the open, behind closed doors, or well, in a back room or an alley has always seemed to work for us"

Justin took a step forward, taking a drag from Brian's cigarette and scrutinizing his lovers face "what are you so afraid of, we almost got married"

"Yeah," Brian said ruefully, "almost"

"But we both decided it wasn't what we wanted"

"Sure as hell not what I wanted"

The words hurt Justin, but he said nothing

"So why is it so wrong to come out and admit that we're together again"

"Because that never works for us"

"Brian being apart is what has never worked for us, being together…we do that well" with that Justin leaned in to kiss Brian, who turned his head away

"Being together works for me" he said it quietly, Justin almost didn't hear him

"It works for me, but every time you leave me, every time I…."

Justin waited while Brian seemed to be gathering his thoughts or his courage "every time I push you away, you end up stronger, more successful, better"

"I want you with me, but you're going to leave again, and I'm okay with that, I'll take what I can get from you…yeah, this time it's me accepting the compromise, but I won't do it publicly, I won't walk into the diner to those pitying looks and, Christ, I won't be treated like a grieving widow again"

Justin had never questioned that he had hurt Brian when he left, but the depths to which Brian felt it, that was new territory for him. And Justin wasn't planning on leaving again. He started there.

"I'm not going anywhere"

"You've said that before"  
"this time I mean it," the words sounded empty even to Justin.

"Brian, I was a kid, a stupid kid, who kept running, looking for something, something that YOU kept convincing me was out there, success, opportunity, "

"Love" Brian interrupted

"Yeah, love, but I was dumb, I was pathetic, I was insane, I was blind, I know what love is now, it took me a while, and it took a lot of mistakes but I know what love is now, and it isn't pretty words, and it isn't sacrificing, and it isn't …" Justin took a breath

"Fucking A Brian, it isn't anything but YOU, you and ME, US, together, that's what love is to me, what it's always been, since that first moment you approached a stupid pretty, and naïve boy under the streetlamp 'til now, everything we've done has been about love, about the fact that you love me, that I love you and that's the only reason to be together, and the real reason it's scary. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care, and if you didn't love me, I couldn't hurt you, and you wouldn't be scared, but I do and you are and that's just something we're gonna have to get used to because it's a constant part of our relationship.

You care, and are scared and you hate both of those feelings, and you know what, I don't care, anymore that you hate loving me, because you may hate it, but you still do it, and that's all I care about, so go ahead, keep us in the relationship closet, and we won't tell anyone, and pretend that I'm gonna leave someday if it makes you feel safer, but I'll tell you something, and I can't make you believe it, I can only prove it to you every day that you wake up with me drooling on your shoulder, I'm not fucking going anywhere."

This last part was said in a pure full drama queen hissy pitch. And Justin stormed out of the garage and into the house, or at least thought he had, but he had chosen the wrong door and found himself in a utility closet full of cans of paint and a ladder, and a perfectly appointed pegboard full of tools. He just stood there, fuming, and trying not to cry.

Brian was dumbstruck by what Justin had just said, all of it, but as he was trying to process it he watched the kid stomp off into the closet and realized what had happened. He was trying not to laugh, trying really really hard not to laugh, he put his thumb on his cheek and his fingers over his eyes, covering his face in that patented way that meant he was afraid to look, but the door didn't re open.

He finally gave up and opened the door, took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Justin's waist, pulling his back towards Brian's still partially exposed chest.

"Well, you really won't be leaving if you can't even find your way out of the garage"

Justin could hear the smirk in his voice

"Fuck you, you're the one who bought a house that 's too big with too many doors, I never got lost in the loft"

"Yeah well, that's what was great about the loft, I could always keep an eye on you"

"Yeah well, now you're gonna have to just trust that when I'm in another room I'm not packing"

"Trust isn't my strong suit"

"And you have no reason to trust me"

"I have one"

"Is one enough"

"It's gonna have to be, isn't it?"  
Justin shrugged, "up to you"

"I'm gonna let it be enough, but I need to tell you something, and it's kinda important"

Justin turned around in his arms, and looked into his eyes which were dark, and serious

"This is the absolute last time, if you get some itch, any itch, that you think I can't scratch, and you don't talk to me about it, if you just walk out…I will understand, but I will never ever ever accept your trust, your love or your apology again"

Justin looked at him, "so I can get itches scratched so long as I tell you about them?"

"That's the deal that's always worked best for us, but no one comes back to our home, understood?"

"And you?"

"I'm not all that itchy these days, but I'm a guy, and I'm not gonna make you a promise that will make me lose you, so lets just say that we're honest, and careful, and at the end of it all…" Brian took a deep breath; there were still things that were very hard to say

"I love YOU"

Justin smiled and kissed him

"We have to get all that shit into the kitchen now you know, we cant just leave it in the back of the car".

Brian groaned

"And we're going to dinner at debs" Justin added, if you're going to trust me, you're gonna have to trust me in public"

"I thought you said we could stay in the relationship closet"

Justin looked around them at the tool shed/utility closet the were standing in an wrinkled his nose "you really want to stay here?"

Brian laughed "fine, dinner at Debs"

"Now can we get this stuff unloaded, because I am dealing with an urgent need to fuck you till you see stars."

Justin reached inside Brian's jeans and massaged his already erect cock…"the stuff in the car can wait"

Chapter 6

TORONTO CANADA

Mel opened the envelope, and called Lindz on the phone. "We got an invite to Brian and Justin's house warming, it's in three months."

"Do you think we should go?"

"Gus would love to see his new room"

"And his dad" Lindsey added

"Yeah, and his dad"

"Well, it has been a while since we've been down, and Brian has said the house has plenty of guest space, so we won't have to stay in some hotel. He's even put a room together for JR"

"You've been talking to him a lot"

"Mel, stop, you know Brian and I talk, he has a lot of extra time on his hands with Justin working so hard on getting the show together, I think he really misses us"

"He misses you"

'And Gus"

"He has a funny way of showing it":

"Mel, he's running his own agency, he's trying to renovate a house which, from all accounts is enormous, and he and Justin are still in that newlywed stage, he can't exactly drop everything to come up here"

"Christ it's cold, is the furnace working"

"I don't know honey, I'm at work, why don't you go check the furnace"

"Why are you talking to me like I'm five years old."

"I'm not"

"Whatever, so we'll go"

"I'll be home late but make sure you give Gus and JR a big kiss for me"

:"Yeah of course"

And they both hung up. Lindsay was excited, she was looking forward to going back and seeing everyone, and she was worried, Melanie had become more and more distant and angry lately. She'd always been angry, it was one of the things Mel did best, but the weird distant thing, that was troublesome.

PITTSBURGH

"Explain it to me again"

"Brian, we've been over this a thousand times"

Brian and Justin were sitting in the "den" it was the only room in the house other than the studio that was even remotely livable, as everything else was under construction.

"Look Brian, we've got hardwood floors, and this room which looks suspiciously like a loft I used to know" Brian smiled, Justin wasn't wrong.

Most of the furniture in the den was streamlined and modern, the home theatre system was state of the art and the his computer was living here until the study was done, so they had moved into a huge house, to go back to essentially living in one room while the rest was being deconstructed and reconstructed.

"I understand that this room is…lets just say "loft like" right, but the house is a traditional Tudor, so the whole thing can't look like one big Ikea showroom. "

"Like I've ever fucking bought anything from Ikea."

"You know what I mean"

Justin was practically sitting on Brian's lap at this point as they both pored over the style samples that the new decorator had left them. It can't all be white. You know, you have a son, who will be here sometimes, and he's at that stage where he has sticky fingers"

"Gus has started shoplifting?"

"Actual sticky fingers, the kind with dirt and jam and… I don't know…kid goo on them"

"Kid goo?"

:"Brian, seriously you know what I mean"

"I do, but…I like this one", Brian held up a design board with varying shades and textures of white.

"This one looks exactly like the last one, but with a tiny bit of… what is that?"

"That? it's actually an ash from my cigarette"

"So it is EXACTLY the same"

"Not exactly, this one has more detail in the wainscoting"

"Brian we're not pulling down all that beautiful HISTORIC wall paneling to put up some shiny white sculptured wall"

"We're not?"

"I give up, go with this one and remember that I'm not christening any rooms with you that I haven't approved. Now I have to get back to work"

"You were supposed to be taking a dinner break."

"I did"

"You didn't eat"

"Not hungry, I'll eat later," he turned his head and kissed Brian. "Think about the sage and honey combo, I like that one best.

"Sounds like a lesbian tea flavor"

Justin kissed him again, "really think about it."

Brian smiled, "I'm thinking"

Justin smiled and headed back off to his studio. Once inside he locked the door and stood pondering the canvass he was currently working on. It was 8:30

He had installed the lock last week, and it wasn't Brian's favorite thing ever, but the interruptions were counterproductive to his…productivity.

Sure, the great shower and the airy light space, and the fact that he was in here a lot made the room appealing to Brian, but he really needed to work, and Brian was an expert at distracting him. Thus the lock. Brian wanted a key, but that would defeat the purpose and so they'd argued and Justin had won. Justin seemed to be winning a lot of the arguments lately, but that was not something he was going to question, after all, Brian had won his fair share as well.

The Bed, Brian had won the argument about the bed.

Well, not won so much as made a very very convincing argument that the custom designed headboard wasn't bizarre or too "modern art" but that's because you had to know how to work it. It looked like a extraordinarily uncomfortable place to rest one's back, or head, and in fact, it kind of was, but, each swirl of in the clean light wood, each knob, hook, twist, and turn of the carving on the had a purpose. Basically, there were about five hundred ways to be tied to that headboard…so far they'd only tried about twenty, but both were looking forward to experimenting with the others. And as an added benefit, it looked like art… just so long as your goal wasn't to sit up and read in bed, it was perfect.

The master bath was another issue entirely; it was clearly made for far more than grooming. The shower, 14 stream steam jets on either side with dual rain shower heads was made for luxury, and the jetted tub was built for two…or more, and had the one selling point that had made the decision easy for both of them, it had a re-circulating heater, which meant the water never got cold. They'd also added a second high capacity water heater for the shower. Mornings were long and unproductive, and they both preferred it that way.

The bedroom itself, had the bed, and that's it, they were breaking through to the adjoining room to build two large walk-in closets, but they had yet to pick colors or design styles. Justin knew it would be another struggle to get Brian to go for something that didn't look exactly like his loft…. he'd already suggested that the bedroom doors be glass… Justin and the designer had sighed and moved on.

The new designer, this was their third, may actually have be making headway, Justin wasn't sure, but Brian had almost agreed to think about a couple of club chairs that weren't white or black leather, so he had hopes. He surveyed the canvass again, and began working on the next step of this project. He was working on a five-piece set and this third would be crucial for the transition. He was so completely wrapped up in what he was doing that the next time he looked up it was three in the morning. Exhausted, and at a decent stopping point, he headed up to bed.

Brian looked through the boards again, the sage and honey looked like the exact color scheme of Mel and Lindz old house, which made him miss her. He picked up his cell and dialed her number.

"Lindsay."

"Brian, it's great to hear from you."

"Yeah, I was just thinking about you…and Gus, and thought I'd call"

"I'm glad you did"

"So how are you?"

"Oh you know, working at this new gallery is a challenge, the owner wants to show more classical pieces but the market is calling for things that are more modern and then he gets upset when sales aren't where he'd like them to be, so, you know, same old same old"

"And Gus, is he up?"  
"Would you like to talk to him?"

"If he's up"

"Gus, Gus, it's your daddy"

Brian's heart melted just a little tiny bit

"Daddy"

"Hey sonny-boy"

"Daddy, you'll never guess what happened to me yesterday, I was in the park and me and jenny was playing on the swings and then Sam started to push jenny but I pushed him away cause I protect jenny she's my sister so Sam said that I was a baby and I pushed him again and he said he could jump higher than me on the swings and I said he couldn't and so we both started swinging really really high and when I was almost gonna go all the way around I jumped and Sam broke my arm."

"What?"  
"Sam broke my arm, but the doctor made Sam say he was sorry, and gave me a blue cast with a green stripe and now I don't have to take a bath for a MONTH"

"Put your mother on the phone"

"Lindz?"

"Yes Brian"

"I'm not sure which parts of that story to believe, mind filling me in"

"Oh the Sam stuff is still imaginary, and Gus likes to play tough…and yeah, we had a scare yesterday but it's just a hairline fracture, which at his age isn't that serious, and he's fine now, and he can't get it wet for a month, which he has decided means no baths, but I promise to bathe your child Brian"

"Why didn't you tell me"?

"There really wasn't anything to tell, it's all kind of part and parcel of having a four year old boy…boys do stupid things like jumping really high off the swings."

"I would have liked to have known"

"And you do, today, I was going to call you Friday if I didn't hear from you. Besides, Justin tells me you're busy gutting the house, Mel and I can't wait to see it"

"Yeah well, if it's ever done, you'll all get to see it, until then, you'll let me know if he breaks anything else right?"

"Brian I'm sorry I didn't tell you"

"It's okay, not your fault, is his cast really blue with a green stripe?"

Lindsay laughed, "yeah, it is, but I put the stripe on there for him, he was pretty upset when it first happened, now he's happily blaming Sam"

"And you're telling me we shouldn't be worried about the imaginary Sam?"

"No, nor should we worry about Shelby, Sam's imaginary dog, I promise, it's all part of normal development"

"Thank you Lindsay"

"For what Brian"

"For being his mom, you're good at it"

"Brian, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great. How's Mel doing?"  
"She's aggravated, she spent all that time and energy to become a lawyer, and it's not really a valuable commodity up here, an American lawyer, so she's trying to do what she has to in order to practice up here, but you know Mel, everything's a roadblock, everyone's out to get her, everyone's trying to keep her from getting what she wants…she wants it to happen NOW."

Brian laughed, "yep, sounds like Mel to me"

"Brian, Jenny's got to get a bath, and Gus needs to be in bed, I really have to go"

"Absolutely, I'll talk to you later.

"G'night Brian"

"G'night Wendy"

Brian hung up and poured himself a double… it was the only limitation he'd set on his drinking, after a rather heated debate with Justin, he would not, on a regular basis, drink straight from the bottle anymore. He wasn't sure why that was an issue but he shrugged it off. Little things to make Justin happy were easy, the big things, they took time and energy and money and… Christ, he looked at the sage and honey color scheme again, and possibly a blindfold.

He smoked another cigarette and finished up some of the busywork he had left to do for the new chain restaurant account they'd picked up last week. It would be millions in revenue, which was a good thing, the place was as cookie cutter as chains get, and Brian was trying to find a way to differentiate the place, so far, he hadn't come up with anything. He was pacing and still had nothing at one in the morning when he gave up and went to bed. It looked like Justin would be spending another night in the studio, the kid was getting positively nocturnal, but he was also apparently getting a lot of work done, at least he was if one could judge by the amount of paint on his clothes at the end of a long night painting.

Brian was asleep when Justin made it up to bed, he dropped his pants and shirt in a pile next to the bed and crawled in, he moved himself closer to Brian and instinctively Brian reached out an arm and drew him against his chest. Justin smiled to himself; he was almost asleep when he realized he was hungry. He debated extricating himself from the bed to get something to eat but realized he'd be up in a few hours and there was plenty of time to eat tomorrow, in the meantime, he was almost done his third canvas of the set, he moved just a smidge closer to Brian, feeling the warmth of his skin against his back and legs, and slept.

When Brian heard the alarm he hit it fast. He had a no idea what time Justin had made it up to bed, but he didn't want to wake him. It was odd, Justin was a heavy sleeper, slept like the dead, but lately, he woke up at slight sounds. He seemed not to be sleeping much at all, Brian remembered being in his early twenties, when three hours of sleep was enough to get him through an entire day, and late into the next night, he liked at least six, hours these days. So he was careful not to wake Justin if he could help it.

He got out of bed, glancing back he looked at the sleeping boy… man, "I have got to stop thinking of him as a boy" Brian thought to himself, but laying there, sleeping, his lashes against his pale skin, the dark circles under his eyes from too many nights of painting with no sleep, somehow made him seem younger not older. He headed towards the shower, putting the water on as hot as he could stand it.

He was trying to think of some way to make a crappy uniform chain restaurant seem hip, trendy, fun, sexy or even remotely interesting when he felt the cold draft of the shower door opening, and then the warm feel of Justin's skin against his.

He turned around, soap still in his hair, and leaned his head back to rinse it out while pulling Justin closer to him. He leaned his head forward again and opened his eyes. "Good morning sunshine"

"mmmmm" was all Justin had to say as he leaned in for a kiss. Justin's hot mouth was suddenly all over him, and Brian was again reminded of one of the many benefits of being with a horny 23 year old, he was insatiable.

Before he could fully fixate on what Justin was doing, his cock was against the back of the blonde's throat. He looked down, and marveled. One of the things that always turned him on about Justin was not that he gave great head, although he did, it was how much he genuinely got off on it. Just loved it, Brian could, kiss, stroke, suck, nuzzle and fuck Justin all night long, and little he did turned Justin on as much as when he was allowed to take control with his mouth. His tongue, his lips, the way he used the back of his throat, as another method of caress, the kid was a genius. Brian gave himself over to the feeling, allowing the jet streams of water to spray across his back, as the water from the rainhead soaked the both of them in hot water, and Justin's mouth and hands worked their magic. It wasn't long before Brian was shooting down Justin's throat, and the Justin was swallowing as if it was all he had been craving. When he finished, Brian was leaning back against the glass wall, and Justin stood up and leaned his entire body against Brian's and kissed him, letting Brian taste himself on Justin's tongue.

Brian was kissing Justin now, preparing to return the favor, in spades, when Justin shook his head, "I've got to get back to the studio, I was really just taking a cat nap, but a little high protein breakfast is a great way to start the day"

Brian didn't believe him, not for a second. Justin had played this game a few times before, but he always eventually gave in to Brian's attentive ministrations. If he thought about it long enough Brian would probably conclude that Justin enjoyed the chase, liked to feel that Brian WANTED to blow him, or rim him, not that it was simple reciprocity. But today was different, Justin slipped out of the shower, pulled on the clothes that he had dropped on the floor the night before, without even drying off, the shirt sticking to his back, and the thin cotton of the cargo pants molding to his perfect ass as he jammed his feet into a pair of sneakers and made his way to the studio.

He finished showering, got dressed and headed down to the den for his laptop and briefcase. Music was already blaring from the studio, and the construction guys were starting to file in to complete the renovations to the upstairs bedroom.

The worst part for Brian of all the renovations was that it was no longer safe to walk around the house barefoot, and he always had to make sure he was wearing shoes before he left the bedroom, or den. He couldn't wait 'til the renovations were completed so that he could forego shoes again.

He tried the studio door, it was locked. He swallowed his anger and knocked on the door…no answer. He knocked again, and Justin came to the door, a paint smudge already on his cheek. Brian laughed,

"Muse hit hard today?"

"Came to me in my sleep"  
"mmm, what else came to you in your sleep"?

Justin gave a sly grin, "lots of things, but this idea is too brilliant to ignore"

"Don't work to hard"

"Never"

"See you tonight?"

"Where else would I be?"

Brian leaned in to kiss Justin, who kissed him back, but carefully so as not to ruin his suit with paint.

"Tomorrow, we're getting you some clothes that aren't covered in paint"

"Why?"

"Cause I'd like to take you out to dinner without your looking like a homeless starving artist with no taste"

Justin stuck out his tongue at Brian.

Brian leaned in and licked the pink appendage and smiled "see you tonight"

And he was off to figure out how to make just another chain look like someplace someone might want to go to eat.

Chapter 7

Brian came home to find catalogs strewn across the coffee table. Post it notes marked a few pages. He went upstairs and quickly changed into jeans and a black t-shirt and made his way downstairs to find out what it was Justin thought they should buy now.

When he looked more closely at the catalogs he laughed. They were for clothes, Justin was telling him, in his own passive aggressive way, that he was NOT going clothes shopping. Brian knocked on the studio door.

When Justin opened it he looked tired, he was covered in paint, and the entire room smelled like chemicals sweat and stale cigarettes. Brian wasn't sure he'd ever seen Justin looking so fucking cute.

He kissed him lightly on the nose, and then held up the catalogs with a menacing look in his eye. "We're going shopping, I'm not ordering your clothes through the fucking mail."

"Why not, look, they've got everything I need in the lands end catalog."

"Lands end, I thought I raised you better than that"

"Brian, everything I own ends up covered in paint, or in a heap on the floor, I'm pretty sure your head would explode if I did that to things with labels like, Armani, or Prada, or…" he exhaled slowly as he leaned in closer to Brian as if these words were the most erotic ever, "Dolce and Gabana"

Brian leaned in, breathing in the air Justin was exhaling, "I'll fucking kill you if you get paint on your new Prada shoes, but it doesn't mean I'm not buying you a pair."

Justin was almost finished with the third canvas, he kissed Brian more deeply and said, "Fine, you're the sugar daddy, you win, as soon as this canvas is done, I'll let you dress me up like a little toy."

Brian wanted to balk at the image, but in truth, he found it sexy so he just smiled. "Time for a dinner break?"

Justin frowned, "not right now, I've got to keep working, grab something without me, I'll try not to make it too late of a night"

"I owe you something for this morning, Brian whispered, biting at Justin's earlobe in a way that made Justin all too aware of what he meant."

"And I plan on collecting. I just need to get a little more done before this layer dries."

Brian shrugged, your loss if you don't make it up to bed in time."

"Trust me, I don't plan on losing anything, except maybe this hard on" and with that he moved Brian's hand lower so that he could feel how much the mere thought of him, just his presence so close, affected him"

Brian smiled, and backed away from the studio door, he popped in a movie and turned on his computer.

It was a full 24 hours before Justin emerged from his studio. He was tired, exhausted actually. He had showered to avoid dragging paint through the house and was wearing only a robe when he tiptoed past the den to the bedroom, it was only 7 pm and he knew Brian was working, he'd heard him come home, he was vaguely aware that Brian had stopped to say good morning to him about 12 hours ago, but he had been so involved in what he was doing he had barely noticed.

"STOP." He heard Brian's command. He turned around and smiled, his wet hair still spiky and uncombed.

"Hi"

"What's up?"

"Nothing, just hit a good stopping place, thought I'd take a nap"

"mmm hmm, how bout some dinner first."

"Brian I'm too tired to cook anything."

"I figured, I brought home a pizza."

Justin was torn, pizza vs. sleep…they both sounded too good to pass up

"I'll reheat it when I wake up, I swear Brian, I'm about to fall over"

Brian looked at Justin and realized he wasn't exaggerating, the circles beneath his eyes were darker, and deeper, and suddenly he saw him sway on his feet.

"Jesus Justin, have you eaten anything today?"

"Sure, I had a high protein breakfast."

Brian looked at him oddly, "That was yesterday."

"Was it? Wow, I really lost track of time."

Justin was trying to back away, he honestly felt like he was about to fall over, he needed to rest, but he was dying to finish the work he was doing.

Brian approached him slowly, trying not to be worried, hell, at Justin's age, a couple of sleepless nights were harmless, he was working hard to convince himself of this when Justin's knees buckled.

Brian moved fast and cat like, catching him before he hit the floor, "Justin, …Hey, Justin" more panicked now "Justin!"

Justin looked up, Brian's face was directly above his, his hazel eyes dark with…what, worry? Anger? Something."

He reached up and ran a hand through Brian's hair "told you I was tired."

"You're more than tired, you're worn out"

Justin tried to wriggle out of Brian's embrace, "That's why I'm going to bed, I just need some sleep."

"and some food" Brian added

"Yeah, when I wake up, I'll eat, I promise" and with that he kissed Brian's nose and turned to walk away. Brian pulled him back by the sleeve of his robe, and lifted him up "Why don't you just let me put you to bed."

"This is silly." Justin said, settling his head against Brian's shoulder and wrapping his arms around his neck.

"So I'm silly, I've been called worse."

Brian tucked Justin in the same way he would with Gus, well, maybe not EXACTLY the same, but with care, and a tenderness Brian rarely showed in the bedroom, and Justin was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.

Brian piled enough pillows against the headboard to make himself more comfortable and just sat, watching Justin sleep, and trying to recreate the timeline of the past couple of weeks. When was the last time he'd seen Justin sleep for more than a couple of hours at a clip, or eat really anything at all?

When he was sure Justin was dead to the world he crept out of bed and down to the studio, as he had hoped, Justin had been to tired to remember to lock it.

The place was a mess, but he had figured that, it was littered with full ashtrays, "Christ the kid smokes more than I do these days." he thought to himself. The rest of the debris was from paint, brushes, paint thinner, about a hundred empty water bottles but no food wrappers, no half eaten sandwiches, no plates, nothing to imply that he ever ate in here at all. Brian stood back and looked at the canvas prominently displayed on the easel, it took his breath away.

It could be considered abstract, if you didn't know what it was, but the pattern was all to familiar to Brian, each deep wrinkle, each brownish red blotch, it was a ten foot replica of that fucking scarf. There was silk, painted painstakingly, the texture and pattern seeming to come off the canvas in 3 D and the fringe, dirty, with… Brian moved closer, a bloody fingerprint, HIS bloody fingerprint, pale but there. This is what Justin was working on? This is what Justin has been practically possessed by? He wasn't sure if it was a healthy purging of a bad memory, or a sick obsession, all he knew was that as ugly as the memory was, as ugly as the actual object was, Justin had made it a powerful piece of art. Some may never understand it to be anything other than an abstract expression of texture and movement but Brian knew it to be much more than that.

He backed out of the studio slowly and locked the door behind him.

Justin woke up three hours later and climbed out of bed.

"what the fuck are you doing?"

"I got some sleep, I'm going back to work."

"You said you'd eat something."

"I will, but not 'til I..."

"You will, now."

"Brian, I'm not hungry"

"Bullshit, I've never known you not to be hungry"

Justin's stomach tensed, his whole body tensed, he needed to be back in the studio, he knew he was being obsessive, recognized it, but couldn't help it, he was drawn to finishing this, if he could finish this then… what? He didn't know what came next he just knew it had to be finished.

"I just need to finish this" he said it out loud but in almost a whisper

"Who's stopping you?"

"You are."

"No, I'm stopping you from making yourself sick, ending up in the hospital, not from finishing your work. I promise, it will be there in the morning, but until then, you're not leaving this bed."

"Fuck you" Justin half laughed with a smile on his face, "You can't keep me here."

Brian raised his eyebrows and glanced at their headboard, "I'll tie you to the bed if I need to, but you're going to get some sleep."

Justin looked at Brian, he wasn't kidding, and he was only half flirting, mostly he was demanding.

Justin tried again, heading towards the bedroom door, "Brian, I'll sleep, and I'll eat, I promise, I just need to…"

Brian was in front of him blocking the door before he knew it "finish this canvas?" Brian finished the sentence for him.

"I thought you hated it when couples finish each others sentences."

"You know what I hate more?"

"What?" Justin smiled and wrinkled his nose, trying all of his best tricks to get Brian to give in.

"taking care of a sick kid, so why don't you just be a good little boy and lay back down in bed." Brian's tone was mocking, but his eyes were serious and his body language said that he was clearly not in a teasing mood.

Justin weighed his options. He could fight, then he'd never get to the studio, Brian let him win some fights, but only the ones he was willing to, and Justin knew Brian well enough to know that in the end, he'd never win a power struggle with the older man. The pretty blonde sighed. "fine, I'll go back to bed, but…"

"Uh uh, no negotiating, you're going back to bed."

Justin took off his pants and crawled back into bed.

"Do you want me to reheat some of that pizza for you? Brian asked

"Really not hungry" Justin said, and Brian lay back in bed as well. Justin curled up around him, using him like a body pillow and resting his head on Brian's shoulder.

"You know this means you're gonna wake up with drool on your shoulder again" Justin said.

Brian smiled, "I'm looking forward to it."

Justin smiled too, and was soon back asleep, trying not to let his mind race about what he had left to finish in the studio.

Brian sighed and lit a cigarette, smoking and thinking while the younger man curled around him further, he wasn't sure how worried he should be, but in the small hours of the morning, he allowed himself to worry deeply, about Justin, about Gus and his arm, about Lindsay and how she didn't sound okay lately, and about this stupid new account and why he couldn't come up with a sexy way to sell a chain restaurant. He finally started to doze around two am. At three he felt Justin stir, and then felt more than saw him slowly extricate himself from Brian and sneak out of bed. Brian opened his eyes and simply stated "Back. In. Bed. Now."

Justin knew that tone and sighed, his plan hadn't worked; he crawled back in bed and was asleep within minutes. When Brian was sure he was really asleep he let himself sleep again, a plan formulating.

Brian awoke at seven am. Justin was still sleeping. Brian breathed a deep sigh of relief that the obsessed little artist hadn't snuck back down to the studio Throwing on a pair of jeans and shoes Brian grabbed his phone and made a few calls.

By the time he returned to the bedroom Justin was in the shower, and Brian smiled. He quickly lost the shoes and jeans and went to join him. Justin turned around and flashed him his patented sunshine grin. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Don't be sorry, just start taking care of yourself sunshine, you're no good to me dead."

"Brian, it was hardly a near death experience, he said as he massaged Brian's scalp while shampooing his hair."

"yeah, I guess not" Brian said, lets just say we all have our drama queen moments and forget about it.

"Deal" Justin said as he leaned in and kissed Brian. "Now, if I recall, you owe me something." Brian smiled, a wicked grin and pushed the boy against the glass, kissing the spot between Justin's shoulder blades that made chills run down his entire body. "his fucking shoulder blades" Brian thought, "who has an erogenous zone between their shoulder blades?" Justin did, and he moaned as he felt Brian's hot wet mouth move lower. Brian's hands were moving up Justin's thighs and his mouth was moving down his back, it was as if Brian's entire body was closing in on Justin's dick and Justin was having trouble thinking about anything, and so he stopped thinking.

Brian loved the taste of Justin, clean, but spicy, the kid was honestly like a drug to him, he could never get enough, he stopped his movements as his hands lightly grazed Justin's hard and practically weeping dick, and then moved lower again so his hands were flat against the top of his thighs, so close to where Justin wanted them to be, and yet, so far, he continued his descent until he hit the small of Justin's back, and then stopped there, kissing and nuzzling the small spot until Justin was moaning, practically begging "Brian" it was almost a whine. Brian waited a moment and then moved his mouth lower, running his tongue gently along the crack of that perfect ass. Justin pushed back, trying to get more, but Brian wouldn't let him. He tried to spread his legs wider but with Brian's hands still firmly on his thighs there was nothing for it. All he could do was let the sensations wash over him, just like the hot water was. Finally Brian moved his hands to pull apart Justin's beautiful ass cheeks, his tongue flicking at Justin's puckered hole, Justin moaned again as water ran down his back and Brian's hot mouth mixed with the feel of the hot water became almost more than he could bear.

Then Brian's tongue was inside him, flitting in and out, and Justin was concentrating on holding still, he wanted to push back, to impale himself on Brian's tongue, but he knew from experience that if he moved too much Brian, in an expert effort to prolong the exquisite pain of being on the precipice of orgasm would stop. So he held still, as Brian took full advantage of Justin's compliance.

When Justin was sure he could take no more, he moaned Brian's name, and Brian, hearing it, pulled back a little and turned Justin around. Justin's hands were flat against the glass of the shower wall, his face turned to the side. The hot water was now falling directly on his throbbing cock, and Brian slid his tongue out and applied a small amount of pressure to his slit, licking the precum and hot water from it. Justin was beyond thought now. He was begging. "Brian PLEASE" Brian looked up at him. "please what? What do you want me to do?"

"Suck me, Fuck me, I don't care just please let me come" Brian laughed, pleased that he had cleared the kids head for a few moments, pleased that Justin was still so sensitive to his touch, pleased that Justin was his.

He took Justin into his mouth, slowly, agonizingly slowly. Justin tried to thrust forward but Brian put his hand flat against Justin's belly in warning, and Justin restrained himself. Brian's tongue swirled around the head of Justin's engorged member, hitting the sensitive spot just below the head, and then as he took him fully in his mouth he let his tongue trace the vein that ran down the bottom of his beautiful cock. He opened his throat, and removed his hand from Justin's belly, giving him the permission he was looking for Justin began fucking Brian's mouth. Brian loved to feel the passion, the need, and as he grazed his hand against Justin's balls, he felt Justin shoot into his throat, and he swallowed. He continued to hold Justin in his mouth, as Justin's breathing slowly returned to normal. Brian finally stood up, kissing Justin, just as Justin had done to him a few days ago, letting him taste himself on his lovers tongue.

Justin leaned his head against Brian. "you know…we never get clean the first time we shower in the mornings" Brian laughed

"yeah, but we get off, and that's far more important"

this time Justin laughed, and the two of them actually went about the business of showering for the sake of cleanliness.

When they both emerged, dry and clean Justin went to put on a pair of paint-splattered pants, and Brian just shook his head.

"Not today sunshine, today we're going shopping"

"Brian, you said if I slept I could work more in the studio"

"And you can, but first, we need to outfit you in a manner that suits the lord of the manor."

"I thought you were the lord of the manor"

"Yeah well, then you're the prince, whatever, no one even remotely connected with the manor can dress like a chimney sweep all the time, c'mon."

"where are we going?"

"I told you… shopping"

"then why the duffle bag?"

Brian smiled, "It's a surprise."

And with that, he threw Justin a pair of khaki pants that weren't too paint encrusted and leant him one of his very own shirts.

They had been driving for almost forty minutes when Justin started to really wonder where they were going, they weren't heading into the city, and the malls around the house were just as good as ones in other suburban areas.

"Where are you taking me?"

"We're going to the nearest place to find the most fabulous clothes ever."

"It's seeming kind of far."

"We'll be there in not time sunshine"

"Brian" Justin was anxious to get back to the house, back to the studio, he was starting to feel anxious about this sudden sojourn "this is taking forever, which is why I said we should order anything I need."

"We are not buying you an entire wardrobe of the worlds ugliest clothes from Land's end."

"So where are we going?"  
Brian gave him a patented grin and said, "Straight to hell, but first, we're going to heaven."

"You're a dork."

"No, but I'm dating one."

"Does he have a hotter ass than I do?"  
Brian just looked at him, "No one has a hotter ass that you do, except maybe me."

"well that is true" Justin nodded sagely

"You know" Brian said, "We need a word"

"Erm, have you seen the dictionary, there's tons of them in there."

Brian shot Justin a nasty look.

"No, a word for us, what we are, cause we keep dancing around the stupid words that breeders, and quasi breeder wannabes have coined…I mean think about our options,"

"Partner" Justin said

"Only if we're in business together."

"Loverrrrsss" Justin drew the word out showing his distaste for the term.

"That's just nobody's business but ours."

"Spousal equivalent?" Justin said

"Right, like we're trying but we'll never be real, I think not"

"Husband?" Brian just looked at him, "getting married will NEVER work for us."

Justin nodded his agreement. There was a time when he would have been hurt by those words but he knew them to be true now, and that meant that every moment they were together was because of love, and desire, and caring and not a legal obligation. He considered other options to define their relationship.

"Special friend?" Brian and Justin rolled their eyes in unison.

How about "Us?"

Brian looked at him…"what?"  
"We are 'Us'. We are 'We" as far as our relationship, fuck it, people ask 'who's that' I'll say 'that's Brian' that's all they need to know."

And when they ask, "Is he your boyfriend?"

"I'll smile and let them wonder."

"So you don't think we need so possessive relationship description?"

Justin sighed; he so very much wanted to be back in the studio, not having this conversation.

"Brian, it's never worked, trying to use conventional terms of any kind to define our relationship to others, and once we try, we end up feeling defined and claustrophobic, or not close enough and it's bullshit."

"Brian," Justin started over "let me ask you a question." Brian grunted in acknowledgement

"Do you give a fuck what anyone else thinks about us being together?"

"No, you know I don't"

"So fine, we're "Us', you're Brian, I'm Justin and leave it at that. I'm tired of trying to be anything other than what we are, two people who love each other more than either is willing to admit."

Brian looked at him, "You think I love you that much"

"I know you do." Justin was wearing his teasing smile, it was his safest bet when he got this close to the truth of their relationship. Keeping it light was the key, he knew that now.

"So we're Us, we're We, and if anyone asks if I have a boyfriend I say, no, but I have a Justin"

Justin laughed, "Works for me."

Excellent, I'm so glad that's decided, and look we're here."

"We're at the airport."

"Wow, that college education really paid off."

"Why are we at the airport?"

Brian grabbed their bag, locked his car and they headed to the gate, his e-tickets had been arranged by Cynthia, so had the hotel room. It was time Justin learned the glory that was Barney's in New York.

Brian didn't say another word but interlaced his hand with Justin's and together they walked to the gate.

When they arrived Justin saw the departure and return information and looked at him oddly, "We're going to New York for clothes?"

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, ignoring the few odd looks from other passengers. "Next stop, Barney's."

Justin swallowed hard, said nothing and got on the plane.

Chapter 8

"Do you know what the problem is with these little tiny bottles?" Brian asked

"That they're too small"

"That is exactly right sonny boy, they are too fucking small, and so you have to drink many many many of them to be as drunk as if you just had one big bottle"

Justin nodded at Brian, humoring him, he'd been drinking little tiny bottles of Jim beam for about a half hour, and the plane was landing in just 15 minutes, Brian was very drunk.

"Well" Justin said, "it's a good thing they provided you with so many bottles then, because you got to drink many many many of them"

"That's because I hate flying."

"You do?"  
"Of course I do, we're up in the air, we could crash and die and I don't think I'd be as pretty if I were all broken into a hundred pieces and on fire"

"You'd be on fire too?"  
"Well sure, that's why it's called crash and burn"

"Aaaah, I see, so you'd be in a hundred flaming pieces, and you think this will make you less attractive to people"

"Yes, yes I do. Would you still love me if I were in a hundred pieces and on fire?"  
"Brian, don't even talk like that, the plane isn't going to crash, we're almost in New York"

"I know, and we're going to have a wonderful time, as long as I'm not in a hundred pieces of fire."

"Brian?"  
"Yes Justin?"  
"Did you take something before we got on the plane and drank those many many many small bottles?"

"Just a small amount of something so that I wouldn't have to think about hundreds of pieces of me being on fire"

"What did you take Brian?"

"It had letters in it"

"A lot of letters or a few letters?"  
Justin was trying to narrow it down, He wasn't particularly worried, but he also wasn't in his element not knowing where they were going once in the city, or what Brian had planned, but it was kind of nice to know that even the indomitable spirit of Brian Kinney could be endangered at the mere thought of flying. He wondered idly if Brian's fear of flying had anything to do with him never coming to see him in L.A.

"It had some letters" Brian finally replied

Okay, they'd ruled out E, and K, so the odds were either GHB or an actual drug with an actual name.

"Did the letters spell anything Brian?"

"They spelled something long, but it's okay, because I didn't need to say it too many times in order to get it"

Justin heard the captain come over the intercom and announce that they would be descending in five minutes and be at La Guardia in 15 Minutes. He sat back and pinched the bridge of his nose in a very Brian like manner, Brian was tweaked out, and he had no idea where they were headed other than Barney's and he wasn't taking Brian to Barney's or anywhere else in this condition.

"Shit, pull it together Kinney."

Great, now Brian was talking to himself, but it seemed to work. He sat up a little straighter, and held Justin's hand. Justin was pretty sure it was going to be okay until Brian lifted Justin's hand to his lips and lightly kissed it

"Fuck" Justin thought, he's really wasted.

It took some maneuvering, Brian leaning a little heavier on Justin than he would have liked, but they made it off the plane.

"Thank you for not crashing and turning me into a hundred pieces of flaming me." Brian said to the flight attendant as they disembarked, Justin shook his head and gave her an apologetic glance. She smiled.

Once they got to exit Justin pulled Brian's phone out of his pocket, not as easy as it sounded as Brian kept swiveling around so that Justin was fishing for more than just a phone.

He got the phone out but Brian saw something that appealed to him, grabbed Justin by the shirt and pulled him towards it.

Justin had their travel bag over his shoulder and was just trying to keep up when he saw where Brian was headed.

"Brian, this is a bad idea"

Brian said nothing, he was walking resolutely Justin's shirt twisted around his hand, forcing him to follow.

He continued pulling him until they were safely ensconced in a bathroom stall in the men's room.

Brian was pushing him against the wall, kissing him hard his tongue searching for something. Justin gave up, and kissed Brian back.

As soon as Justin responded Brian turned him around, pulling Justin's pants down, kissing his neck, holding the blonde boys hands above his head with one hand. He pulled a condom out of his pocket with the other.

The moves were practiced and automatic, and still made Justin so hot, even if Brian was probably unaware of WHO he was fucking at this very moment, he never lost consciousness of HOW he was fucking, and his technique was impeccable, moving slowly at first, and then faster and harder, his hand jerking Justin off as he fucked him. All too soon, Justin shot against the stall wall and Brian feeling Justin's ass squeezing around him, came quickly after. He then stood up straight, and turned Justin around, straightening his shirt and pants. Kissing him hard, and ushering him quickly out of the stall.

"I'll be right there" he said, "I just need to throw up."

"How very romantic" Justin replied, as he continued straightened his clothing.

When Brian finished, Justin handed him a bottle of water he'd taken from the plane. Brian drank some, swished some in his mouth and spit it out, and then leaned over and kissed Justin.

"You back with me?" Justin asked

"Of course sonny boy, I just hate flying"

"Is this what you do every time you get off a plane?"

Brian thought about it for a minute, "pretty much, yeah" he smiled

Justin shook his head, "Whatever it takes. So where are we going?"

"You have my phone."

"What does that have to do with where we're going?"

"Cynthia left a message with all the information, I don't know where we're going unless I have my phone…hey, Why do you have my phone?"

Justin looked sheepish, "because I was going to call Cynthia and ask HER where we were going since you didn't seem able to tell me."

Brian laughed, "See, I'm perfectly able to tell you, as long as I have my phone."

Brian took his phone from Justin and they headed towards the cab line. Brian was still a little unsteady on his feet, but had come down for the most part. He hailed a cab and rattled off and address.

"Is that where Barney's is?" Justin asked

"No, it's where the hotel is" Brian responded as he leaned over and began to kiss Justin's ear and neck. Justin leaned his head back, enjoying the sensation until he suddenly fully processed the information.

"HOTEL?"  
"Did you think I was going to make you sleep on the streets of this big cold city?"

"I thought you were going to make me buy some clothes and then take me home." Justin was trying to calm down, not to be too upset but he wasn't ready for a night away from the house, he wanted to be back in the studio, working, not wasting time in New York, he'd wasted enough time in New York in his life.

"Justin relax, you've been obsessing over your work for weeks, you deserve a couple days R & R"

"Brian, I don't WANT to rest, or relax, I want to finish…"

"That fucking canvass, I know, it's all you ever say these days, well guess what, for two days…"

Justin's eyes got wider and he opened his mouth to say something but Brian interrupted him.

"For two days, you will do nothing but relax in a great big bed, in a great big hotel, with your great big…Brian."

Brian looked into his eyes, it wasn't anger, he was seeing there, it was fear, why was Justin afraid to be away for two days, in a hotel, with him. Which part of that made him scared, or was it all of it? Brian was determined however to pamper Justin for a couple of days, weather he liked it or not. Justin would laze about in bed, eating, and sleeping, and fucking and NOT driving himself to the point of exhaustion working on a painting of that fucking scarf.

Justin smiled, although Brian noticed that it wasn't his normal 1000 megawatt version, but it would do for now.

Justin tried to smile, tried to seem okay with it, he should be thrilled, he knew he should be thrilled, New York WITH Brian, which was the way he'd always wanted to be in New York. Being swept off on a romantic weekend was the kind of stuff that he used to dream about doing with Brian, and now that he was here, his ass still sore and mouth still bruised from the airport men's room, Brian sitting next to him all he could think about was their bed at home, the studio, the paintings he had yet to finish. He was anxious, scared, nervous, fucking terrified, and he had no idea why.

He breathed deep the way they'd tried to teach him when he was first recovering from the bashing and would wake up with nightmares, or have sudden panic attacks, but those made sense. This one didn't. He leaned his head on Brian's shoulder. Brian threw his arm around Justin and pulled him close and Justin thought to himself "maybe it will be okay"

Brian paid the cab driver, and dealt with the hotel check in, all the while Justin simply clung to Brian's hand and tried to remember to breathe.

Brian kept glancing over at Justin; the kid had a death grip on his hand, and seemed to be physically attached to his arm. He hadn't seen him act like this since those first few weeks after he'd gotten out of the hospital, when just walking down the street was an exercise in bravery. Brian was confused, had something happened in New York that Justin hadn't told him about.

He felt the bile rising and tried to get the thought out of his head. "If something had happened, if someone had hurt him, he'd have told me" Brian told himself. We've been honest with each other since we got back.

He looked at Justin. "Do you want me to find a different hotel?"

Justin looked at him blankly "what? No. Why?"

"Never mind" Brian said and took the two key cards from the guy at the front desk.

"Top floor" Justin said, "swanky"

"Only the best"

"Of course"

Brian opened the door to the room, Justin seemed a little more relaxed, and even more so once he'd shut the door behind them.

Suddenly Justin was all over him. "Brian, thank you, this place is beautiful."

"How many times do I have to tell you I'd do anything for you?"  
Justin wrinkled his nose and looked at him thoughtfully, "at least a half a dozen more"

Brian laughed and backed the playful blonde onto the bed; leaning over him he started kissing his neck.

It was several hours later before either one of them was able to concentrate on anything but bare flesh and extraordinary sensations.

They were in their favorite post coital position Brian on his back; Justin curled against him, head on his chest. It calmed Justin to hear Brian's steady heartbeat in his ear; it was one of the things he missed most when Brian wasn't around.

Brian reached out to the folder on the nightstand "room service?

"Mmmmmm" Justin moaned, "food."

Brian let out a deep breath, he hadn't heard Justin actually express an interest in food in so long, but he had been right, all he needed was some rest and a change of scenery.

They ordered and lay back down, both too exhausted to do much more than brush a hand idly through the others hair, or make lazy circles against the bare skin of the others shoulder. It was a companionable, comfortable silence, which lead to a companionable comfortable light doze.

They awoke when the food arrived, Brian signed for it, and they sat and ate in bed. Brian watched Justin, trying not to make an issue of it, but he was soon relieved. No food issues, the kid was back to eating everything in sight. He finished his steak, and fries, and then went to work on Brian's shrimp.

It was only five pm when they were finished dinner, and they discussed the concept of going out, and realized that the discussion was more effort than was ready to give let alone actually dressing and leaving. And so they lay back, all appetites sated, and the lazy doze became REM sleep for them both.

It was hours later that Justin awoke in a panic, sitting bolt upright, he thought he might be having a heart attack. He was sweating and couldn't seem to catch his breath. He got up and made it to the bathroom just in time to revisit everything he'd eaten for dinner. He took a moment, splashing his face with cold water and then returned to bed, sliding in quietly.

Brian felt him leave the bed, and heard the sounds of him losing his dinner; he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When Justin returned to bed, he pulled him close again, feeling the cold clamminess of his skin. Justin pulled away, "Brian, I'm not feeling to well, give me a minute okay?"

"Sure, you alright?"

"Yeah, just bad shrimp or something"

"I had the shrimp I'm fine"

"I'll be okay"

Brian put his hand flat against Justin's back, the kid was breathing fast and his heart was racing, he pulled him back towards him again, wanting to hold him, to comfort him.

"Justin, you're heart's going faster than the back beat at Babylon, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, just a little night terror, I guess, my body isn't used to this much food and this much rest these days" Justin tried to smile, to make it sound light.

"Well, we'll have to work on that, you should always be used to the good life"

" Ugh," Justin groaned, "that is so corny"

Brian smiled "you're right, I'm sorry, we'll continue the haunted starving artist routine for as long as you'd like, but once in a while, can we come back and visit the corny world with room service and great big soft beds?"

"Sure" Justin replied, glad this wasn't going to become a big drama thing. "I'm just really tired, maybe I did work myself a little too hard"

"Shhhh, go to sleep sonny-boy" Brian soothed as he stroked Justin's hair.

Brian awoke to the sun and the unmistakable sound of New York coming up from 11 stories down. It's odd how no amount of soundproofing can block that noise he thought randomly. He got up and glanced over at Justin, who was still sound asleep, he closed the blinds and returned to bed.

Justin made a soft groan in his sleep and rolled over, Brian had returned Just in time as the blond found his favorite spot to drool and planted his head, his arm casually thrown across Brian's chest, leg now entangled with Brian's. Brian lay back and closed his eyes, it was only six in the morning, they had plenty of time.

By ten Justin was awake, stretching and looking slightly apologetic for the drool on Brian's shoulder.

"Good morning"

"Is it morning?" Justin asked

"Yes it is, you slept for a long time"

"Christ I was exhausted"

"Which is what I was trying to tell you"

"Okay, you're dying for it, so here it is. You, Brian Aiden Kinney, Were Right."

Brian smiled, "if you would just accept that from the start, things would be much easier"

"You're not always right you know" Justin said

"Don't ruin this moment"

Justin just smiled, you know, there's a Jacuzzi in there, his head nodding towards the bathroom.

"Really?" Brian cocked an eyebrow

"Really" Justin said, nodding knowingly

"Well, we'll just have to forgo our morning shower I suppose.

Justin pretended to pout

"Don't worry sunshine, I'm sure we'll find SOMETHING to do in that big ole' tub"

Justin laughed, and they both headed into the bathroom, it was noon before they actually got out of the hotel.

They stopped and got a couple of bagels and Brian hailed a cab and instructed the driver to take them to Barney's.

"So what's so great about this place anyway?" Justin asked

"You'll see"

Justin made a face; "you know I hate clothes shopping."

Brian dropped his head in his hands in despair, "and you said you were working on being the best homosexual you could be."

"I am, but I don't see the point in spending so much time shopping, and thinking about shopping"

Brian just shook his head, "well, I'll have to teach you, and here I thought I'd already taught you everything you needed to know"

Justin blushed and Brian bit his earlobe, and then whispered, "Besides, have you ever been blown in the leather department, everything smelling like fine leather and expensive shoes?"

Justin laughed out loud "oh my god, I never knew you and Emmett had so much in common"

"Take that back" Brian said, his eyes dark, but his smile gave him away

"No, I think this could work, you and Emmett will be a beautiful couple, you're both so…tall"

Brian found the sweet spot on Justin's ribs, the spot that was so ticklish he avoided it on the occasions when girlish screams and giggles weren't what he was going for. Today, he showed no mercy "Take it back."

"Brian stop." Justin squealed, giggling uncontrollably.

"Take it back."

"Okay, okay," he said, breathing hard and wiping the tears from his eyes "you and Emmett would not make a perfect couple… he's far to butch for you."

And with that Brian attacked him fully, laying him out in the back of the cab and pressing his body against Justin's, tickling his ribs and feeling him writhe beneath him.

He leaned down to kiss the boy and Justin leaned up to kiss him back, when Brian lifted his head he whispered "so who's too butch for whom?"

Justin kissed him again, "you're very butch, almost as butch as Melanie."

Brian laughed, and sat up, just as the cab came to a halt in front of Barney's.

They were greeted by Alfonse, a pretentious and tiny man, who while annoying and snobbish, also had impeccable taste and had been helping Brian for years, especially when new items came in that Brian wouldn't have the time to get to see, he often trusted Alfonse just to ship him the cream of the new line. Alfonse was Brian's secret weapon in his ability to always look amazing.

"Mr. Kinney, this is the friend you're helping?"

"Yeah, this is Justin, he looks like shit, we need to fix that." Although Alfonse always stayed formal and supercilious, Brian never understood the need as a customer to remain the same.

"Brian" Justin said, "I don't look like shit"

"You look like a starving artist"

"I was"

"You were never starving"

"What are we arguing about"?

"I promise you I have no idea, we're here to buy you clothes, so go over there… He pointed to the three way mirror in the private dressing room, and Alfonse and I will tell you what to wear."

Justin pouted and dragged his feet to the dressing area, bored already.

Alfonse took Brian to a rack where he had set aside some items he thought might be appropriate for the boy. Brian pointed to a few, and showed an obvious dislike for some others.

When he brought the first outfit over, Justin looked at him with a pout too similar to Gus's to be overlooked.

He leaned in and bit at Justin's pouting bottom lip. "You see" he began, "the key to dressing well, is planning and the key to shopping is to make the planning part interesting. For example, what do you think of these?"

Justin Shrugged "look like pants"

"Yes, but feel them"

Justin looked at him as though he might be a bit insane, but reached out to feel the pants. Justin shrugged again "they're soft"

"Right, you see, now, imagine, if you will, that we're at a dinner party at say, Michael and Ben's, and you're wearing these very soft pants, now imagine that you're not wearing any underwear, and that my hand is marveling at the softness of said garment." Brian was now suggestively rubbing the fly and crotch area of the pants, which were still on their hanger.

He glanced down and was amazed to find that Justin was actually responding to his sales pitch. He watched the boy shift in his chair and smiled. Now try them on, with this shirt, that, you may notice, has many tiny buttons which means that while it is a stylish and attractive garment, you will most likely have to remove it over your head in the bathroom so that I can get to your nipples more readily"

Justin grabbed the clothes from Brian, eager now to try them on. Brian smiled evilly; he hadn't even introduced him to belts and ties yet.

The day went on like that, Alfonse showing Brian collections or pieces of them, Brian making lascivious comments to Justin about how and when and where he might remove said garments, and Justin looking amazing in almost everything, due to the fact that he was a well built young guy with amazing shoulders and a perfect ass.

It was well after five when they had finished with Alphonse. Justin thought he might pass out, Brian had been keeping him in a state of barely controlled arousal all day, and he had tried on what felt like half the store. A tailor came in to take Justin's measurements so that everything could be fitted to him, and Justin did everything in his power to talk himself down from the seemingly day long hard on he'd had. The tailor, ever the professional, ignored it, and made his notes quickly and efficiently.

The clothes would be delivered to the house in Pittsburgh next week, after the alterations had been done, but Brian still had a few things he felt Justin needed.

Before they left the store Justin had an entirely new casual wardrobe as well, jeans that fit, shirts that skimmed his waist and brought out the blue in his eyes, belts that didn't "look like he cut them out of an old tire" as Brian so eloquently stated, and shoes, more shoes than he needed. He didn't understand the shoes but he let Brian have his fun.

Boots, brown, black, lighter brown, loafers, lace ups, he wore sneakers, all the time, what the hell did he need seven pairs of shoes for? He figured he'd never actually have to wear them, and picked his battles.

Ties. He hated ties. He'd worn a tie every day for years at St. James Academy, and he'd vowed once he got into art school he'd never wear a tie again, and rarely did, but Brian insisted on ties. Justin got quiet while Brian was picking them out.

Finally, he just broke down, tired, and very much in need of a good blow job, he grabbed Brian at the tie stand and kissed him hard, then twisting Brian's shirt around his neck until he could feel it tighten he said "I wore a tie for years at that stupid school, I'm an artist, not a fucking MBA from Dartmouth, I'm not wearing a fucking tie"

Brian was surprised, not by the kiss, although Justin was sometimes hesitant about Public displays of affection away from Liberty Avenue, but when he felt him stretching and pulling at his shirt he started to get aggravated. When the shirt actually began choking him he got downright angry, and when he looked at the anger matching his in Justin's eyes, and heard him growl about not having gone to Dartmouth he understood, and dropped the tie issue.

The kid had given up a lot, granted he had given it up for the right reasons, but he was right, he didn't have to wear a tie if he didn't want to.

Brian pulled back away from him and straightened out his shirt.

"Fine, so no fucking ties. How do you feel about sweaters?

Justin laughed, "I have no dilemmas, moral or otherwise regarding sweaters, but I hate wool, it's itchy."

They moved on.

By the time they got back to the hotel, loaded down with shopping bags, and a brand new suitcase to get all the stuff home in, they were both hungry, horny and tired, they discussed in the cab which took precedence. And were happy to come to the same conclusion, horny first, then hungry, then tired.

And so once the bellman had delivered all of the new purchases into their room and been tipped well, they were both dying to take another swim in the Jacuzzi. Both had fingers resembling prunes by the time they re emerged, but they had crossed item number one off their list.

Brian ordered room service again, this time opting for lighter fare, hoping Justin could keep it down.

Justin sat down in front of the bed and turned on the TV, he was flipping through the channels when he landed on male figure skating championships.

"You've got to be kidding me," Brian said

"I love this" Justin replied, "look at them, so graceful so strong"

"Such big baskets" Brian added

Justin looked at him, standing naked next to the bed. His blue eyes darkened and he crawled across the floor towards Brian, moving slowly but deliberately, never taking his eyes off of Brian's cock which, he noticed to his deep satisfaction began to twitch as he approached, before he even touched it.

He was holding on to the small of Brian's back now, taking small childlike licks at it, as if it were a melting ice cream cone, but there was nothing soft or melting about it now. Justin still refused to take it into his mouth for a few more moments, licking at it, and then moving away, kissing the soft hair above it, running his tongue quickly along Brian's balls, until he heard Brian groan. Success. Brian's head was back, his mouth open and Justin put two of his fingers in his mouth, wetting them completely, and then took Brian's cock entirely into his mouth, at the same time his fingers found their way between Brian's ass cheeks and he heard Brian moan again. Justin began pumping, both at once, as his fingers went in his mouth pulled back.

Brian wasn't surprised that Justin was ready for another go already, the kid was always up for it, well, unless he was working in the studio, but this was…and then he stopped thinking completely.

Each time Justin thrust his fingers into Brian's ass and pulled them out he wanted more, wanted to push back on them, but then he'd be removing his cock from that lovely hot and sweet mouth, he finally just gave in and surrendered control to Justin, who was astounding Brian again with his formidable talent. He groaned, and Justin groaned as well, sending the vibrations from the head of his cock to the base. When Justin felt him twitch again the kid actually started humming, just vibrating his throat, all the while pumping two fingers in and out of his ass until Brian could hold out no longer and he came down Justin's throat, his knees almost giving out from the sensation.

Justin continued to pump his fingers into him while he came, making this climax last longer than he thought he could take. When it was finally over he realized that Justin had spontaneously come. He fell onto the bed, mind blown.

Justin returned to his spot at the end of the bed on the floor and watched the next competitor in the men's long program, with a very satisfied smile on his face.

"So what time does the plane leave tomorrow?"

"Not 'til around three in the afternoon" Brian croaked, his voice still raspy from the amount of gasping he'd just done.

Can we go to Renton's gallery, I should probably check in.

"Yeah sure" Brian said unable to process any information at the moment.

Justin answered the door when the food came, and they ate in companionable silence, although Brian noticed that Justin wasn't eating a whole lot, he was eating, and he seemed to be doing better.

They fell asleep with the TV on, and didn't awake until ten the next morning.

Chapter 9

"Why are we eating here?"

"Because I have to find some way to sell the idea of this ugly ass restaurant as a wonderful and fulfilling dining experience."

"Well, wouldn't that be easier if we didn't actually have to be here?" Justin looked around, there is nothing attractive about this place, and it looks like every other stupid chain restaurant ever."

"Yes, but this one is paying for the marble tile in the foyer and that hideous color scheme you chose for the great room." Brian said as he draped his arm around Justin's shoulders and kissed the side of his face.

"You said you liked the color scheme."

"I would have said anything to get you to shut up about it."

Justin gave him a look and said, "well, if they're paying for all that, I guess we can eat here, ONCE."

Brian laughed and followed the hostess to their booth.

"Its not the diner"

"Nothing is, the diner isn't about food, it's about…" Brian trailed off

Justin looked at him…"it's about?"

"Justin, did you know you're brilliant?"

"Yeah, actually I did. Anything in particular make you come to this sudden realization?"

"I think I know how to market this shithole."

"If anyone can do it, you can, so do we still have to eat here?"

"Shut up and order, we can't eat at home, everything's covered in dust."

"The renovations are driving me insane you know."

"The place is going to look great when it's done."

"But right now, they're banging away all day, I can't concentrate on my work, and the place is always so dusty, plus all those construction guys, with their big tools"

Brian cocked an eyebrow, "that's a problem?"

Justin smiled "it's a distraction."

"But you finished the third canvas."

"Yes, I did, and now I'm working on the fourth."

"And will I ever get to see these masterpieces?"

"If you come to my New York Show."

Brian seemed to consider it, "But we were just in New York."

"It's not for 6 months Brian, by then the spring collections will be in."

"I thought you hated shopping."

"I'd never been properly introduced to its more interesting side."

It was Brian's turn to smile. "Well, I'll see if Cyn can clear my calendar for your show."

"Well okay then."

The food really was mediocre, but the pie was good, the place was known for its take out bakery, even more than for it's food, or generic atmosphere, or lack thereof.

When they got back home Justin kissed Brian quickly "I'm gonna work a little more."

"Bed by three." Brian said

Justin smiled, "five at the latest, I promise." Brian kissed him harder "three" and Justin went back to the studio, stripping off his paint free clothes and pulling on an old pair of sweats, he started mixing colors, searching for just the right shade of green.

Brian was in the den, working on the ideas he'd had at dinner. It was a departure from his usual pitch style, but he thought it might work. He tried not to focus on the fact that Justin's work habits hadn't changed once they'd returned from New York. And Brian knew he was going to have to address how the kid was taking care of himself, and soon.

He had convinced himself in New York that the eating thing had been stress, and work, and maybe it was, but it hadn't changed upon their return. Justin had barely touched his dinner tonight, he cooked Brian breakfast on the mornings he wasn't in the studio, but Brian never saw him eat. Yes Justin always swore that he ate while he was cooking, but…

Brian poured himself a scotch, drank it, and then poured himself another. Justin wasn't starving, he was fine, and he had been getting a bit more sleep, no more 24-hour marathons. Maybe the worst was behind them.

He was so engrossed in the work he was doing he lost track of time himself. When he did look at his watch it was 2:30 in the morning, he'd finished his pack of cigarettes, and half the bottle of scotch. Turning off the computer he walked over to the studio and knocked on the door.

"Half hour 'til lights out." he sing songed, trying to keep it light, he wasn't Justin's keeper.

"Be up soon." Justin called back, and Brian walked a little unsteadily upstairs and collapsed into bed.

Justin was curled up against him when he woke. "See" he told himself "nothing to worry about."

He had only been at the office for twenty minutes when his cell rang, it was Justin

"Hey"

"Hey yourself."

"You were supposed to wake me."

"For what?"

"I was gonna make you breakfast"

"You needed your sleep, besides, I think Debbie gets upset if I don't show up at least one morning a week for her bad coffee and nagging"

"What's she nagging about now?"

"Guess"

"She wants to see the house."

"We have a winner."

"Everyone wants to see it. Daphne's been hinting around for a preview too."

"It'll be done in time for the party in ten weeks, they'll all see it then"

"Is it actually gonna be done? 'cause at this rate, I'm thinking we go with urban dilapidated chic."

Brian laughed, "it'll get done or I'll have jimmy buried under our floorboards by the contractor I hire to replace him."

"Ooh, violent this morning."

"Yeah well, I almost stepped on a fucking nail."

"That's why you're supposed to wear shoes."

"I hate shoes in the house, you know that. So I have a meeting with creative in ten minutes, do you need something?"

"No, just wanted to say good morning."

"And a good morning to you too"

"Want me to bring home something for dinner?"  
"I'm gonna be working, I'm getting a late start, I wouldn't count on me eating"  
"I never do" Brian mumbled, more to himself than to Justin

"What?"  
"Nothing, grab a pop tart, and get to work, if you don't finish these paintings soon I'm going to have to forbid you to be a creative artist type and send you off for a business degree."

Justin laughed, "you wouldn't do that, you'd miss my creativity."

"Yeah, paint and turpentine is such a heady combination, what would my life be without it?"

"So you want me to become an accountant?"  
Brian smiled, "No, I've got one of those, how 'bout you become a doctor, then you can write me all the oxy prescriptions I need."

"Doctors work worse hours than artists."

"Good point, I guess you can stay creative, for now."

Justin laughed again. "Love you"

"See you tonight."

Brian closed his phone and smiled, he actually got turned on by the smell of paint and turpentine these days, but he'd wasn't about to admit it.

Justin breathed deeply, pulling himself together.

He would never tell Brian the real reason that he called, he felt like too much of a baby, and after all that Brian had done for him, he wasn't gonna fall apart now. But he felt like he was falling apart.

When he woke up, with a start, finding Brian gone he panicked, that same sickening feeling he'd known in New York, the same feeling he'd gotten when he had woken up with nightmares, after the bashing.

Sure that Brian was dead he had been unable to breathe. He had considered calling 911 but at that very moment hadn't really cared if he lived or died, Brian was gone he was absolutely certain.

That's the thing about panic attacks, they're not rational, and so once it subsided somewhat, Justin gathered all his nerve and called Brian. He, of course, was fine; he was even in a good mood. Justin knew these episodes were silly, he also knew he never had one in the studio. And so without even showering, he went back to work on canvas number four.

Brian's meeting with the art department went well, they figured they could get the art done and boards together by Monday, which meant he'd have tons of time to revise all their mistakes before the meeting on Wednesday. He glanced at his watch 12:30

"Cyn, I'm heading to the diner for lunch." he called over his shoulder as he walked the few blocks. He took a deep breath, bracing himself before opening the door, He'd been scarce around the diner lately, and didn't see any way of avoiding questions and nagging.

Michael was sitting with Emmett at a booth, he joined them.

"Afternoon boys."

"Brian, honey it's been ages, you look…well rested"

"Hello Emmett and NO, I did not go away to have work done as you're implying, Justin and I took a shopping trip to New York."

"Well, as long as you're keeping him you might as well be keeping him in style" Michael said.

"I'm not keeping him, I'm fucking him, and letting him sleep next to me, and buying him things, in what sick twisted way is that keeping him?"

Michael rolled his eyes, "Jesus Brian, I know you're good at denial but really."

"Mikey?"

"Yeah?"

"Any chance we're ever going to agree on this?"  
"I doubt it."

"Then how 'bout you shut the fuck up about my life." and with that he leaned over the table and kissed Michael on the mouth.

Michael smiled, "fine, we'll agree to disagree. But I still don't see why I can't come and see the house."

"Ooh," Emmett added, "I am dying to see it, I hear it's fabulous"

Brian sighed loudly, "at the moment it's more frightening than fabulous, but don't worry, it'll all be done by in time for the housewarming party."

Emmet clapped his hands "I love a good party."

"Yeah, and when we get a little closer to this whole thing, I'm gonna need you"

"Anything you need Brian"

"Thanks"

"Hey Deb, any chance I can get a…"

Debbie arrived at the table and placed a plate in front of Brian "turkey sandwich, whole wheat, no mayo, and fries."

Brian smiled, and put his hand on Deb's

"Thanks Deb."

"No problem, so where's sunshine today?"

"He's working, he's been spending a lot of time in his studio, the new show should be spectacular."

"Well we all knew that kid was special, first time I saw him I knew it, didn't I Michael."

"Yes, mom, you knew he was the golden child."

"Awe, my baby's just jealous."

"I'm not jealous now stop kissing me at the diner, I'm not 12 anymore either."

Debbie just laughed and dropped the boy's checks on the table, moving to pick up a few more orders to take to the lunch crowd.

"So, what's new Mikey?"

"Not much, I was just telling Emmett that I'm going up to see JR, and Mel and Lindz this weekend."

"Yeah I need to get up there, Gus broke his arm"

"I heard."

"Hey Brian, has Melanie talked to you lately?"  
"Why the fuck would she do that?"

"I don't know, she seems off lately, weird, angry."

"Lately? She's always been weird and angry, she's a lesbian, they're born weird and angry."

"Brian I'm serious I think something's wrong."

"If something were wrong Lindz would tell me."

"Yeah I guess you're right."

"Besides you're going up to see her, talk to her then"

"I don't want to talk to her, she scares me."

Brian laughed, "She scares all of us."

Emmet laughed too and scooted out of the booth, "see you all later, I have an appointment with a couple who want a cowboy themed wedding"

"A gay couple?" Michael asked

"No, that's the really weird part" Emmet did a full body shudder, threw a couple of bills on the table to cover his lunch and headed out.

"So you and Justin are back where you started?"

"Mikey, I asked you to drop it."

"Right, sorry, anyway, I was asking because if you're past your fear of looking like a couple, Ben and I were thinking the two of you could join us for dinner on Thursday."

"As far as I know we're both free, count on me, and if Justin can make it, we'll both be there."

"If Justin can make it? What the fuck would he have to do, he doesn't have a job."

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and wondered why he didn't hit Michael more than once a decade. "He has a show in 6 months, he has a job and a lot of work to do."

"Whatever. I've got to get back to the store."

"Bye Mikey."

Michael leaned over and kissed Brian on the cheek before leaving.

Once they were gone Brian was actually relieved, and surprised at how much he'd been dreading facing them, maybe because it was harder than he'd like to admit to keep up the front that everything was perfect. Each day he was getting a little more concerned about Justin, and in a patented Brian Kinney method he was going to fix this, but he just hadn't figured out which patented Brian Kinney method he was going to use.

He contemplated this while he finished his sandwich, and most of the fries. He was still sitting and contemplating when Deb slid into the booth across from him

"Christ my fucking feet are killing me today"

"Well, you could be a lady of leisure."

"Fuck leisure, so, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Mmmmmm hmmm, so if nothings wrong, why'd you eat the fries?"

Brian looked up at her "comfort food asshole. You think I don't know my boys. Mikey is upset he thinks about changing his hair, you…you go for the French fries."

"Deb, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure kiddo, anything, you know that."

"Yeah, can you call Justin, use your powers of persuasion, and get him to join you for lunch or something, get him out of the house."

"You sick of him already? Brian If you're tricking around on that kid again…"

Brian cut her off with a look. "He spends too much time in the studio, doesn't seem all that interested in getting out of the house, for anything, I'd just like to get him pulled back into the fold, he's too young to become a creepy old hermit."

"You really worried?"

"No, I think he could just use the company, but Deb, don't take no for an answer okay?" "You got it Brian. Now, when am I going to get to see that house of yours?"

Brian smiled at her, "when everyone else does, so meet him someplace else."

"Well you can't blame a girl for trying." The bell rang and Debbie got up to pick up the completed orders. "Take care of yourself Brian"

"You know me"

"Yeah, I do"

Brian placed a twenty on the table, tipping Debbie somewhere in the vicinity of 110 of the bill, but he always did that, and headed back to the office.

Justin was sitting in the studio and smoking, considering what to do next, canvas four needed a day to set before he could start the next step, and he had an idea for a smaller piece but he'd have to actually stretch the canvas for that one, and he wasn't in the mood. There was a canvas ready for a portrait he'd already sketched out but he wasn't sure his hand was up to doing the detail work.

"The scarf" as he'd entitled the third canvas, had given him a lot of trouble. He was always careful to run his hand under the shower jets for a long time after working on it, so that Brian wouldn't see his hand cramped up like a gimp again. He knew that if Brian saw that he'd be even more insistent on the whole more sleep less painting thing and right now, it felt like the only thing keeping him from being a raving lunatic was the time he spent in the studio.

He grabbed a bottle of water out of the mini fridge, and continued sitting and staring off into space, contemplating his next project when his phone rang.

It was Debbie.

He tried every excuse in the book, and she accepted none of them. There was no way to get out of it; he was having lunch with her tomorrow at her house. Justin tried to settle the knots in his stomach and couldn't. He had no idea why he would be nervous about going to Debbie's house but he suddenly was. He opened the studio door, found Brian's stash in the den and rolled himself a joint. He took it back to the studio and sat on the floor, door locked, letting the buzz wash over him.

Chapter 10

Justin forced himself to go to lunch at Deb's, Emmett was there too, and he suspected an ambush when Ted and Blake stopped by as well.

"Shouldn't both of you be at work?"

"Took the day off" Ted said, "We're house hunting."

"So then shouldn't you be off house hunting?"

That's when Debbie smacked him "Sunshine stop being rude, they came to say hi, you've been hiding yourself away in that house you won't let us see."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he _was_ being ambushed, he was going to fucking kill Brian, there was no doubt in his mind that Brian was behind this, he was too happy about Deb's lunch invitation last night. Justin pasted a smile on his face and made it through lunch. He left as soon as he could without evoking more of Debbie's wrath. Truth be told it wasn't so horrible, except for the fact that all he wanted to do was get back to the studio. It wasn't until he shut and locked the studio door that he began to relax. He felt like he'd been holding is breath since he'd left the house early this afternoon.

When Brian returned home he was less than surprised to find a steady thumping beat coming from the studio. He tried the door, it was locked. He knocked; Justin opened it, and grabbed Brian by the shirt, pulling him forward as he danced.

Brian put his arms on Justin's shoulders, falling into the familiar rhythm of dancing with Justin. Foreheads together, legs entangled Justin's hands roaming. Brian smiled, and Justin looked up at him, his smile wide, his eyes…black.

"You're very high" Brian said, "No fair not sharing."

Justin reached into his pocket and in a move he'd learned from Brian, put the E on his own tongue and then leaned in to kiss Brian. The kiss was intense, and Brian swallowed the pill and continued dancing. He hadn't seen Justin this happy in a while, but apparently lunch at Deb's had been a good idea, and of course, being chemically altered had helped.

It was hours later; they were both coming down, naked, entwined on a probably ruined Armani suit. Neither one cared. Brian kissed the top of Justin's head. "I missed you today Sunshine."

Justin looked up at him "you were only gone for a few hours"

"Ten hours, felt like a lifetime today."

"Is the cold cruel world of advertising treating my Brian roughly?"

Brian let out a chuckle "nothing I can't handle. Oh, and your mother called."

"My mother called you?"  
"Yes, it seems somebody is being a bad son."

"She thinks you're being a bad son?"  
"Stop being retarded, you need to call your mother before she tracks me down and has me arrested for kidnapping."

"She can't do that anymore, I'm like a grown up or something."

"Yeah, well let me explain something I learned from Debbie, mothers, don't understand the concept of 'grown up' when it comes to their children, so don't make me say this again, Call. Your. Mother."

Justin settled his head against Brian's chest. "Fine"

The two of them lay for a little longer, Justin reached behind him and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge, he drank half in a single gulp and handed the bottle to Brian who finished it off.

Brian was enjoying the comfortable silence and hated the words that came out of his mouth before he said them, but he had to try "so, should we order something in, or do you want to go out?"

"Uggggh, food."

Brian looked down at him. Justin had his patented crinkled nose "I ate too much at Debbie's to ever consider eating again."

Brian couldn't argue with that, carbo-loading was perfected at Deb's kitchen table.

Justin searched around for his pants, pulling a joint and lighter out of his pocket. He took a hit and passed to Brian.

Two days later Justin was less than happy about dinner obligations with Michael and Ben. "I don't see why I have to go, I really wanted to work some more tonight."

Brian sighed, "you don't HAVE to go, but you haven't seen Michael or Ben in a while and since I'm not having anyone over here until the place is done, I say we suck it up and go."

Brian was trying not to push the issue too much but he had gotten calls from both Jennifer and Daphne today asking if Justin's phone was broken because they'd both left several messages, none of them had been returned. Justin was behaving oddly and Brian wasn't sure why, but it was worrisome. He never left the house, he got up, went to the studio, came back to bed, for a few hours, and then was back at work. The power struggle was getting tiresome and the kid was getting bigger dark circles under his eyes.

Here he said, choosing one of the ensembles they'd chosen on their New York adventure. Justin pouted but put on the shirt, and then caught the pants Brian had thrown towards him.

Brian watched wondering to himself how he was now a person who found the sight of a man putting clothes ON sexy. It was the way Justin moved, it was graceful, but with something extra, he had a half grin on his face, which disappeared once Justin had finished zipping and buttoning the fly. Justin was swimming in the clothing. Well, okay, not exactly swimming but the waist of the garment was obviously too big. The pants sat on his hips loosely making him look like he was all dressed up in daddy's clothes. The shirt was too big as well.

"Jesus Christ, Fucking tailor."

"What?" Justin looked up, thinking Brian was talking to him

"No, not you, the tailor, at Barney's he totally fucked up the sizing."

"No he didn't, these fit fine."

"They're falling off you, didn't you try these on when they got here"

"Yeah I did, don't you remember?"

And Brian did, Justin had given him a fashion show, an agonizingly long fashion show that had ending in a very long night of Brian showing his appreciation for just how beautiful Justin looked in and out of clothes. The clothes had fit then.

"Justin, what the fuck, come here."

Justin was suddenly scared. "What?"

Brian walked over to him, putting his large hands on Justin's slight hips. He noticed for the first time how closely his hands came to meeting when he rested them like this. He took a step back, looking critically a Justin, seeing for the first time that his cheekbones were a little more prominent, his face a little less round.

"Do me a favor, take your shirt off" Brian said

Justin tried to keep the mood light "absolutely, this is a much better way to spend an evening than at some dinner party with the Novotny-Bruckners."

Brian smiled, trying to keep his eyes blank, Justin took off his shirt and Brian eyed him carefully, seeing for the first time the thin blue lines on his arms, he pulled him forward and ran his hand down to the small of Justin's back, feeling each vertebrae as he went.

"Christ Justin, you've lost a lot of weight"

"You think so?" Justin shrugged away from Brian, putting his shirt back on. "That's probably a good thing, I mean I'm getting too old to still be eating like a kid and not worrying about it."

"Yeah" Brian agreed, keeping his expression neutral. "C'mon we're gonna be late"

Justin headed to the car and Brian went back in to grab a bottle of wine. He picked up the wine and then rested his forehead against the doorframe out of sight of Justin. He took a deep breath. He had been fooling himself, the kid wasn't eating, he was making himself sick, not eating, barely sleeping, and from the looks of it living on water and cigarettes. He shut his eyes and concentrated on keeping things light.

If he came at Justin with this hard the kid would bolt again, he had tried, so many times in the past to keep Justin from making mistakes, and had learned from experience that the subtle approach was the ONLY one that worked with his little blonde twink.

The problem was sometimes the subtle approach took months, he wasn't sure he had months, or even weeks before Justin collapsed.

He idly wondered how long one really could live on nothing but cigarettes water and the occasional narcotic.

Shaking his head he readjusted his expression to one of boredom and got in the car.

Dinner was actually far more relaxing than Brian would have thought. It was just the four of them, and Michael had moved beyond his annoying pretentious dinner party stage. Ben cooked, and between the four of them they polished off almost six bottles of wine… They were happily buzzed and comfortable when they moved to the living room for coffee. Brian sat and Justin leaned against him sighing contentedly.

Brian was just comfortable enough to not be too upset over the small amount he'd seen Justin eat at dinner. But he had eaten, and he would eat more in the coming days, because Brian wasn't….

Brian wasn't gonna think about it tonight. He wrapped a hand around Justin's waist pulling him closer, but carefully, he could feel the boy's ribs under the finely woven cotton of his dress shirt.

"So Mikey, when are you leaving for the Toronto?"  
"My flight leaves tomorrow at seven."

"That's good, hey, give this to them for me." He pulled an envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Michael"

"Sure, what it is?"

"It's a letter to Gus, and one to Lindz"

"Why don't you just mail it?"

"Why don't you just give it to them"

"Brian there's cash in here"

"Is there?"  
"Brian, why are you…"

"Can you just give it to Lindsay for me?"

"Yeah sure, whatever, but you think there's something wrong too don't you?"  
"I think I want to make sure my son has everything he wants, that's all."

Justin was only half listening to the conversation, the wine had gone straight to his head, and he was feeling extremely relaxed, his head leaning against Brian's chest, hearing his heart beating in a slow steady rhythm, feeing his chest rise and fall as he breathed, feeling the vibrations through his body when he got more agitated with Mikey. His eyes closed and before he knew it he was asleep.

Ben glanced over to see the blond contentedly sleeping against Brian. "Looks like Justin's been working pretty hard."

"Yeah" Brian agreed, "he has, I'm surprised he lasted this long without crashing tonight, he's been in the studio night and day getting the show ready."

Ben looked at Brian and then his eyes shifted down to Justin. He took in the dark circles under Justin's eyes, and noticed that he did look thinner, and made a mental note to talk to Justin about good nutrition and some relaxation methods, he looked like he could use them both.

They continued talking good-naturedly for another half hour or so when Justin suddenly sat bolt upright.

He was sweating, breathing shallow. "Brian lets go home."

Brian put a hand on his back, rubbing lightly, "Hey Justin, you okay?"

"Yeah, fine, but it's late, I'm ready to go okay?" There was an odd urgency in his tone. He was obviously not okay, but it seemed a bad time to call him on the lie, "Sure."

Justin stood up, "I'll meet you out front." And without another word walked out the door.

Brian shrugged "Time to get princess home, he's about to turn into a pumpkin."

"He okay?" Ben asked?

"Yeah, he's just probably tired" Brian lied

He grabbed his and Justin's jackets and headed out to the car, Justin was around the side of the house, obviously vomiting what little food he had eaten. Brian tried not to react, and in truth, if he were going to react, he wasn't exactly sure what appropriate response would be.

Anger wouldn't work, he was fairly certain Justin wasn't doing this on purpose.

Concern, but he was never all that good at expressing concern.

In truth his first instinct was to go with outright panic, but that just wasn't a very Brian Kinney like reaction, so he shoved that down and went with studied nonchalance and light humor.

"Hey, I know Ben's cooking isn't exactly to everyone's taste but isn't it a little rude to leave it on their lawn like that."

Justin looked up at him and smiled, just suddenly felt a little ill; he shrugged and walked to the car.

Ten minutes into the silent ride back Brian broached the subject again "Wanna tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing, I was tired, and had way too much wine"

Brian nodded, "yeah, we must have polished off at least a bottle each tonight"

"Add that to the…what the fuck were we eating?"  
Brian laughed, I have no fucking idea, it wasn't bad though"

"Too much tofu" Justin wrinkled his nose, Ben needs to eat more meat

Brian laughed, that's a personal issue between Ben and Mikey, I'm not gonna get involved. This time it was Justin who giggled.

Brian's hand was resting on the stick shift, and Justin put his hand on Brian's, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not making this a huge issue. I know I haven't been eating right, I know I've been working too hard, I promise, promise, promise, that I'll be good from now on."

Brian looked over at him and raised an eyebrow "Who said I want you to be good?" he licked his lips suggestively moving his hand to Justin's thigh

"Brian, you know what I mean."

"Yeah I do, and don't make promises, just do it, okay, just eat, and sleep, cause you know, I need your energy levels high if I'm gonna fuck you into the mattress" and with this Brian leaned his head over and whispered hot into Justin's ear "all night long."

Brian's hot breath, and the memory of the first time Brian had ever said those words to him made Justin shiver, in a good way.

"Maybe we should stock up on some energy bars, I wouldn't want to disappoint you"

Brian smiled, "Good idea, I hate disappointments."

And they left it at that for the night. The rest of the drive home was spent discussing such mundane topics as the possible need to bring in the cleaning service three times a week rather than the twice-weekly schedule that they were now on. They also came to the conclusion that Saturday they would go shopping for a table and chairs for the den, since they spent most of their time in there it made sense to have a place to sit and eat.

It was Tuesday before Brian made it back to the diner for lunch, he'd been busy with the new campaign for Rapkins Restaurants and the pitch was tomorrow but he needed a break, he was starving, and he wanted to see if he could catch up with Mikey, get the news from the Canadian front.

"Ted, I'm gonna grab lunch at the diner, you coming?"

Ted looked up, surprised, his relationship with Brian was different these days but lunch invitations were rare. Ted was smart enough to know that there was a reason for the invite, probably needed a buffer between himself and Michael, but he was also smart enough to know that if he wanted to know what was going on, and not piss Brian off, it was best just to acquiesce.

"Sure Brian, just give me a minute to close out this file"

"They walked in together and Ted slid into the booth next to Michael, Brian sat across from them."

"So, how's my sonny boy?"  
Michael looked up and smiled, "Gus is getting so big Brian you wouldn't believe it, and he has decided his cast is the ultimate weapon against evil, he wields it like a light saber"

"Mikey if you turn my kid into a geek I will never forgive you."

Michael looked hurt

"It's not my fault that the kid has the brilliance to see the inherent cool in the way of the Jedi"

Brian buried his face in his hands for a second…"how the fuck does a four year old know the way of the Jedi?"  
"Well I couldn't bring gifts for JR and nothing for Gus could I?"  
"So you bought him…"

"The original three, the classics, and Brian the kid loved them!"

"Great, and now he's wandering around telling people 'may the force be with you' Mikey, he's already got two mommies, isn't' that enough to get him beat up on the playground, do you have to make him a complete nerd too?"

Michael just rolled his eyes "you saw return of the Jedi SEVEN time in the theatres, didn't seem to damage your cool factor."

Brian just gave him a look of contempt in a way that only Brian fucking Kinney could get away with.

"Well anyway, I have pictures, want to see?"  
"Sure"

Michael handed him a stack of pictures, most of them were of JR, she was a year old now, and turning out to be quite a cute little kid, Gus was growing so fast it was frightening. It looked like he'd inherited his fathers height. Mel and Lindz were in the background of most of the pictures but as Brian scanned through them he noticed something, they were never in the pictures together.

"So Ted" Michael turned his attention away from Brian for a moment, "have you two found a place yet?"

Ted sighed, Blake wants house, I don't see why we don't just get a nice condo clean, new, no yard to mow.

Michael laughed, "Didn't you already do this once with Emmet…you know you're going to give in a buy a house, why don't you stop fighting it?"  
"Because if we get a house Blake is going to want a dog"

Brian actually looked up from the pictures for a second. "Teddy, are you saying you have something against puppies?"  
Ted shrugged "of course I do, they're messy and they leave hair all over everything and they turn into dogs."

Brian snorted, "Teddy's afraid of dogs."

"I wouldn't say afraid exactly, lets just say, that I don't need some big untrained sloppy wet nosed animal sniffing at my crotch as soon as I get home"

"I thought that's what attracted you to Blake in the first place" Brian said, and Ted just rolled his eyes.

"I don't like dogs okay? I had a bad experience when I was a kid"

"Have you told Blake you don't want a dog?" Michael asked.

"No, how do you tell someone that you're against puppies, without sounding evil?"  
Brian smiled to himself, and handing the pictures back to Michael took a bite of his sandwich.

"So how are Mel and Lindz?"

"Oh, you know, they're Mel and Lindz, they bicker and make up and bicker and make up"

"Christ, lesbians."

He finished his lunch, laid a few bills on the table and kissed Michael goodbye.

"Oh and teddy, you should really consider getting a puppy, I hear they really bring a couple closer together."

Ted just rolled his eyes. "See you back at the office Brian"

Brian left

As soon as he stepped out of the diner his cell phone rang, it was Lindsay.

"Hey"

"Hey Brian" her voice was shaking,

"What's wrong?"  
"What? Nothing, I was just calling to see how you were doing, and tell you Gus had his check up for his arm today"

"Is Gus okay?"  
"The doctor says he's healing fine and should be able to take the cast off in a couple of weeks. Gus is very disappointed, he wants to keep the cast"

Brian chuckled, "yeah, I hear he's also practicing his Jedi mind tricks"

"Brian he loves those movies."

"I'm going to have to kill Mikey."

"I'll help you, I've seen empire strikes back about a dozen times in the last three days"

"Well, remember your obsession with Ghost, you must have made me watch that film a couple of hundred times junior year."

"As I recall you weren't so very upset about."

"Patrick Swayze."

"riiight"

"So how are Mel and JR?"

"They're good, JR is growing up so fast, and Mel is still working on being licensed to practice law up here."

"Good."

"Brian."

"Yeah?"  
"I wanted to thank you for the gift"

"Don't mention it"

"It was too generous, you know I can't really accept it"

"It's for Gus, he's gonna need stuff, and while Mel's not working…"

"Mel won't be happy about it"

"Since when has Mel ever turned down my money?"  
"Since she didn't ask"

"Lindz, that's why it's cash, you don't have to tell her"

"Oh I already told her, we don't keep secrets from each other"

"Well, yeah, that's one way to kill a relationship"

"BRIAN, you know you're not that jaded"

"I do?"  
"I've seen you in love now you know, you can't pretend with me anymore"

"Yeah well, then consider the gift an act of love and just take it okay, my kid may end up being Canadian but he can at least be well dressed, none of that flannel, and no hat with earflaps, you hear me?"  
Lindsay laughed, "I promise, and thank you"

"Talk to you later Lindz."

"Love you Brian."

"Yeah."

Brian considered calling Justin to make sure he was okay, but with no pressing reason to assume otherwise at this moment he dismissed the thought and went back to the office to yell at the creative team, who had, as expected, fucked up the boards for the restaurant pitch.

Justin was standing in front of the bathroom mirror in the studio. He turned his head and tried to see if he looked any different. He had lost weight, because lately he felt like he could barely hold anything down, and he knew it, but he didn't look bad. If anything, maybe he even looked a little better, a little more like a man and less like a boy. His cheekbones being more prominent made his eyes look almost catlike. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and lit a cigarette.

He wandered around the studio aimlessly, trying to decide what to work on next; he flipped through his sketchbook, searching for an idea that would inspire him. He came across a sketch he'd done in New York, and realized that was the perfect subject for his next piece.

Inspired again he started preparing a relatively small canvass, this was going to take a little more effort and precision, he flexed his right hand a couple of times and realized that he'd have to be careful. Most of the time his hand was fine but too much detail work could make it cramp into a claw. It frustrated him still, but for the most part he worked around it, alternating between detail work and larger movements on larger projects.

He was exhausted when he finally felt like he was at a reasonable stopping point. He locked the studio and went to bed.

It was 4:30 in the morning when Brian heard Justin come upstairs. He'd gotten used to seeing him less and less in the evenings, as his work in the studio seemed to be at a crucial point. When Justin crawled into bed, he pulled him closer, not cuddling, because he didn't cuddle, just, keeping the kid warm that's all.


	2. Chapter 2

The End Done Right 11 to 20

Chapter 11

Brian awoke to the feel of someone nibbling on his ear. He bit back a grin and remained still. Justin's mouth continued it's decent down to his neck. Soon he was leaving hot sweet kisses on Brian's Adams apple, and then moved further down his chest. Justin looked up, and seeing Brian bite back a moan, knew he was awake, but if he wasn't going to admit it, Justin would just make sure that he did.

His mouth latched on to Brian's nipple, licking and sucking and then biting at the puckered nub. Brian let out a moan as his back arched. Justin sat up. "I knew you were awake."

"Yes well you're very smart." He mumbled, bringing his hand to the back of Justin's head, and guiding it back down to his chest. "But I think you missed a spot."

Justin grinned widely and went back to his previous activities, slowly moving his mouth from one nipple to the other until he heard Brian moan again, which he took a signal to move on.

He kissed a trail down Brian's stomach until he reached a thatch of dark hair, at which point he blew ever so slightly, tickling Brian and making him gasp at the same time as the cool air crossed his now throbbing dick.

Justin leaned over Brian, searching, pulling a condom from the nightstand. He whispered into Brian's ear "I want to ride you."

Brian leaned his head back and gave a half smile 'I'm all yours." Justin kissed the sensitive spot on Brian's jaw, and moved lower. The sound of Justin tearing open the wrapper made Brian buck a little, and the gentle feel of his hand as he rolled the condom on him was exquisite. Justin straddled Brian, putting his weight on his knees he leaned forward, kissing Brian on the mouth, refusing to stop until he elicited a response. Brian resisted responding for several seconds before his hands were entangled in Justin's hair and head lifted to meet Justin's mouth. Their tongues danced, and then he felt Justin pull away.

He leaned his head back again; content to let Justin have his way with him. Justin's hand, soft, and warm grabbed the base of Brian's cock and held it as he slowly lowered himself down upon it. Brian bent his knees, digging his heels into the mattress, and Justin lowered himself completely and leaned back against Brian's thighs. He began to raise himself up and lower himself again riding Brian slowly, as he squeezed his anus causing Brian to let out another involuntary moan.

Then Justin began in earnest, pumping hard, not touching Brian anywhere else. Brian wanted to thrust upward, to stay inside him buried deep forever, but Justin continued to ride him, biting his lips to hold back any sound, he wanted no distractions, he wanted Brian to feel nothing but the sensation of being inside him, of his taut muscles gliding over him, soon, sure Brian was ready to come, he lowered himself fully and simply ground down, rocking just a small bit back and forth, leaning back on Brian's thighs as he squeezed hard on the base of Brian's cock, and he felt Brian convulse, watched as his entire body compressed and expanded with the force of the orgasm.

Justin loved the way Brian looked at that moment, head thrown back in complete abandon, control relinquished as he gave himself over to the power of the moment.

And then they were both still. Justin didn't want to move, and couldn't anyway, Brian's hands had found his hips and held him still, as he remained inside him.

It was several minutes before Justin lifted himself off of Brian and lay on his back, head on his own pillow.

Brian pulled off the condom and threw it in the trash and turned his body towards Justin. "That was so fucking Hot"

Justin smiled.

Brian glanced down to see that Justin still had a hard on of his own, and moved his head down towards the engorged member to relive the pressure. Justin was now the one with his head thrown back; moaning loudly and Brian's magical tongue did things that were indescribably agonizingly perfectly orgasmic. Brian tried to prolong the pleasure but Justin was too worked up and came quickly, calling out Brian's name in a manner that was both pleading and grateful at the same time.

When they were both laying back on the bed, sated and relaxed, simply enjoying the feel of their bodies, touching gently at the hips, Justin's head tilted slightly so that it was in contact with Brian's, cool air gliding over their sweaty bodies. Brian rolled onto his side, propping himself up on one arm, he was about to lean over to kiss Justin when he saw Justin's right hand laying against his chest.

He lifted it up.

"What the fuck happened?"

Justin tried to pull it away but Brian held tight. "Brian, that hurts"

"Yeah it looks like it does. You're supposed to go easy on it."  
Brian hadn't seen his hand this bad since the first few weeks after the bashing, and while he knew it still sometimes gave him problems, he was concerned at how claw like it looked. "Straighten you fingers out."

Justin looked at him, trying again to pull his wrist back from Brian's grasp, still to no avail.

"Straighten your fingers out." Brian repeated

"It'll be fine once I shower, I just overworked it a little last night"

"Yeah, you've been overworking yourself a lot lately, seems to be your constant excuse, what happened to taking it a little easier, taking care of yourself AND your art?"

"There's a lot at stake Brian, this show has to go perfectly." He was still trying to pull his hand away, but Brian refused to relinquish it.

"There's a lot at stake Justin, that's for damn sure, but are you really willing to risk not being able to work again?"

"Brian, this is a total over reaction, come on, come take a shower with me and I'll show you how very loose my hand can get." Justin said, licking his lips suggestively.

Brian knew that maneuver, he'd taught it to him, the "look, we'll have hot sex and then not discuss whatever we were discussing" move, was one of the first things he'd taught the kid, pretty much right after what a rim job was and right before the many uses of ice cubes. He sighed and followed Justin to the shower, adding the hand thing to the alarmingly increasing list of self-care issues that Justin was refusing to acknowledge.

It was forty five minutes before they were out of the shower, and Justin's hand did seem to be fine, full dexterity, as he'd proven twice before turning off the water and heading down to breakfast.

Justin was pissed. He had forgotten to soak his hand, forgotten to hide it better, and Brian had seen it. It had cost him a lot to hide how much it hurt this morning, but he had proven to Brian that a hot shower was all he needed to be back to fully functional. Still he recognized that he was going to have to put a little more effort into seeming okay, or Brian would start his overprotective thing, it wasn't something he did often, and it was never overt, sometimes Justin actually thought that Brian believed that no one knew what he was doing, and maybe Michael never figured it out, and maybe Lindsay didn't see it, but Justin was on to him, and knew when his casual questions were masking a deeper concern.

He made a great show of cooking breakfast and joining Brian to eat. Granted he had to rinse out every bowl and pan before use because of the dust, and they had to eat in the den, but that is after all why they'd bought a table and chairs for this corner of the room. Sitting across from Brian and casually chewing and swallowing as if it weren't killing him to do so. Justin held it together until Brian left for work. He kissed him deeply, and sent him on his way, and as soon as the car was out of the driveway he sat back down on the couch and began to cry.

He couldn't stop. He was tired, he was sore, his hand was killing him, and he knew he had a lot more work to do today before he could rest again. Almost an hour later the contractors started to file in and he wiped his eyes splashed some cold water on his face and cleaned up the kitchen, then he locked himself in the studio, cracking every knuckle in his hand twice before resuming his work from last night. About a half an hour later he threw a water bottle across the room in frustration and went through the ritual of cracking the knuckles again. When the nausea hit him he rushed to the bathroom just in time and was aggravated that he hadn't even been able to hold down a couple of fucking eggs. If he lost more weight Brian was going to…

He wasn't quite sure what Brian was going to do except not be happy, and after all this time, all he really wanted was to finish this fucking art show and make Brian happy, and now it looked like he wasn't going to be able to do either. He gave up and took half a percoset, just enough to take the edge off of the pain and he had a couple of cigarettes, waiting for the pill to take effect.

Finally he got to work, the details on this had to be just right or there was no point in presenting it. As he started working his breathing slowed, his heart rate lowered to normal and soon he was too intent on the work he was doing to hear the phone ring.

Brian tried to reach Justin, hoping he could entice him to meet in the city for dinner but there was no answer. He wasn't particularly surprised, the way he concentrated while working, often with music blaring in the background he was more surprised when he DID answer the phone, still he felt like celebrating, the Rapkins people had loved his pitch.

It had been difficult to get the creative team on board because it was such a departure from his usual method of going straight for the groin, but this time he went in a more emotional direction.

Photos of empty kitchen and dining room tables, juxtaposed with tables of laughing smiling diverse groups of people, couples, families, etc.

The pictures all had the same copy

"Where everyone's family…and there's always pie."

Rapkins loved it. He explained the marketing plan, that they'd advertise in alternative manners, reminding the after hours crowd that Rapkins was open 24 hours, Giving those who wanted to meet up with friends an option that wasn't so coated in atmospheric décor that conversation became difficult.

He had gotten the idea when Justin had mentioned the diner, after all, there was nothing special about the diner, far from it, the food was mediocre at best, the lemon bars were questionable and the service well, it was really only enjoyable if you were there more for the company than the service itself, and that's what Rapkins was to become, a liberty diner for middle America, with pie.

Brian was feeling on top of the world. When he got home Justin was of course in his studio. When Justin opened the door, Brian gave him the good news and his beautiful blonde gave him that 1000-watt smile.

"So I'm taking you out to dinner."

Justin felt a pang but pushed it away, he wanted to make Brian happy, he could let the painting sit for a few hours. "We don't have to go to Rapkins do we?"

Brian laughed out loud "That would hardly be a celebration worthy of a 25 million dollar account now would it?"

Justin smiled wider "25 million, does that mean we can get the custom bead board for the kitchen?"

"We were already gonna do that."

"We were?

"Have I said no to you yet on this entire monstrous renovation?"

"Justin leaned in and kissed him on the nose, the only safe place to touch him while Brian was still in his work cloths and Justin was covered in paint.

Let me take a shower and we'll go celebrate Justin said, practically bouncing up the stairs.

Brian watched him go and then poured himself a drink. Justin had really scared him for the past couple of days, but he had finally, Brian concluded, scared himself.

Justin took as long as he could in the shower while he tried to get his breathing under control. He dressed quickly and took a deep breath, he even wore the Prada shoes that Brian loved on him and when he came down stairs he knew his efforts were worth it. Brian's look was animal, predatory, and hot.

He backed Justin onto the couch and it was almost an hour before they were both dressed again and actually headed out for dinner.

The next few weeks went by almost too quickly. Brian was swamped with two new accounts plus the very demanding Rapkins representative. Justin was working almost non-stop in the studio, but he was getting a lot accomplished. And things seemed to be better as far as Justin's health. No more issues with his hand, he joined Brian for breakfast as often as not, and was usually in bed by four am, granted this meant that he was only getting three or four hours of sleep a night but he told Brian he was also napping during the day, when the light wasn't right.

The great room was actually beginning to look both great and like a room, the kitchen cabinetry was complete and the tile finished, all that was left was to have the new appliances delivered. Gus's room was almost finished, the bed was on back order, and JR's room was everything any princess could ask for, Justin had actually taken a couple days away from the studio to paint a mural on the wall for her.

He'd hand painted the road on the wall of Gus's room, so that when the racecar bed arrived it would actually look like it was driving off down a highway.

The guest rooms were painted, and guest baths almost completed, all that was left was the delivery of furniture and accessories.

Brian held up two shirts, cocking an eyebrow questioningly

Justin pointed to the russet colored one on the left. Brian put it in his suitcase, and then shrugged and put the blue one in as well. Justin laughed, as he shoved a couple of pairs of jeans and a few t-shirts into his duffle bag.

They were going to New York for one of his mandatory appearances at the gallery. Justin was nervous, not just that his art wouldn't sell but that Brian would recognize what the painting was actually of. He wasn't sure if even Brian's ego could take seeing his own eye 10 feet tall. After the show they were flying straight into Toronto to visit Gus, and Mel and Lindz and JR, they'd only be gone five days but Justin wasn't quite sure how he was going to handle it.

When Brian was busy, which he had been for the last several weeks, it was easy to convince him that everything was fine. Easy to take a muscle relaxer at night to ease the cramp in his hand, easy to eat, and focus on keeping the food down for as long as possible. That was his new trick. He focused on simply NOT vomiting for as long as he could, allowing his body to absorb whatever nutrients it could before it all came back up. Sometimes he even held down an entire meal, but not usually.

He told Brian stories about Daphne and her new boyfriend, they weren't true but Brian worried less when he thought Justin was staying in touch with his friends. He called his mother at least once a week to tell her he was fine, and he allowed Brian five times, in the past three weeks to drag him to the diner or Debbies house at some point.

He seemed for all intents and purposes to be over the hump, and as a result Brian had relaxed, had stopped grilling him about his sleeping patterns or his eating patterns. He had learned how to hide those attacks that woke him up in the middle of the night. He was holding it together and more importantly Brian thought he was just fine.

Brian packed a few of Justin's nicer things in his suitcase, because Justin was incapable of packing anything without it becoming a wrinkled mess. Also because he wasn't stupid, he knew Justin would use any excuse to not leave the hotel or Mel and Lindz's and not having anything to wear wasn't going to be one of them.

Justin was doing better, he was eating and sleeping some, but he still woke up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, and his nightmares were getting worse. Brian knew that Justin thought he had him fooled. Each time he'd sit bolt upright in bed, and go to the bathroom as if the sound of running water covered the sound of vomiting and crying. Brian had tried to approach him about it once and he had denied it outright, he couldn't force Justin to talk about it, but he was annoyed that he was lying. He worked so hard to make it seem like he was fine, and Brian wasn't stupid, he knew he wasn't. He saw him massaging his fingers when he thought Brian wasn't looking. He'd become a master at looking like he'd eaten something when all he'd done was push the food around on the plate, and Brian had noticed that about two weeks ago, he'd added an ingredient to his cigarette and water diet, and that was scotch.

He didn't care if Justin drank, hell, he was one to talk, but how much pain management could one body take on three hours of fitful sleep a night?

This vacation would be good for the both of them. Brian had been working hard at Kinnetic and was actually looking forward to Justin being in the spotlight. Maybe then he could understand his value enough to start taking care of himself as if he were valuable. As it stood now, he seemed to be more worried about getting the house finished and the show finished then he was about his own health.

When they had finally finished packing everything they needed for the hip art scene in New York and the Lesbionic family life of Toronto they took the car to the airport.

"Brian"  
"yes Justin"

"Can you tell me what you're going to take BEFORE we get on the plane this time?"  
Brian laughed.

Chapter 12

It was the same suite as the Barney's trip.

"We're back in the world of room service and big soft beds."

"Yep, so no tortured starving artist crap, okay?"  
Justin held up two fingers "Scouts honor."

"Christ, were you really a scout?"

Justin blushed, "Only for a couple of years, then I got more interested in drawing than tying knots."

"I don't know, there's a lot to be said for being able to tie a good strong knot." Brian spoke the words slowly, suggestively, leaning in close as he finished the sentence

"Hmmm, I guess I'll have to give it a try sometime then." Justin replied, "Might be interesting to see what happens when you have no control at all."

"Not gonna happen." Brian replied casually

"We'll see"

Brian just looked at him, and then laughed "So what time is your meeting at the gallery tomorrow?"

"Not 'til two, and then the show is Friday, are you sure you want to go, you don't have to you know."

Brian pretended to ponder the question "hmmm, see my brilliant…Justin being honored for his incredible talent, or sit alone in a hotel room watching hetero porn, I'll let you know."

Justin gave him an annoyed look "There are clubs in New York, and I hear there are even a few worthwhile places to shop, I wasn't suggesting you sit alone in the hotel."

"Oh, I see, so I should go out clubbing while you get hit on by every art critic in New York?"

"Are you worried some pretentious asshole is going to sweep me off my feet and steal me away from you?" Justin smirked.  
"No, because I'm going to be there to make sure that doesn't happen."

"Brian" it was half whine half laugh.

"Relax sunshine, I WANT to see your work, and as for pretentious art critics, I give you more credit than that."

"So you're really sure you want to go with me? I mean I'm gonna have to circulate and…"

Brian leaned in and shut him up with a kiss, "I'm going to be at your art show, the proud…Brian of the most talented artist the town has seen in years." and then when you've schmoozed the last person, and drank the last glass of cheap champagne, and ate the last stale canapé I'm going to bring you back here to this very room, strip off every item of clothing, and fuck you until you can't remember a single name or number that was pressed into your hand."

"Do _I_ have to go?"

"Yes, you are contractually obligated to attend."

"Stupid contractual obligations"

"You know, you're not contractually obligated to be anywhere tonight."

"Really?"  
"Really."

So what do you want to do?

"I want to go out dancing."

Brian looked at him as if he'd suggested they try going straight. "Really?"

"Really, it's been so long since we've gone dancing, and I never really got a chance to hit the clubs, any of the times I've been in New York."

"Well, you must have visited at least one or two when you were living here."

Justin wrinkled his nose, "didn't interest me then."

"And it interests you now?"  
Justin shrugged, "Didn't see the point then, I knew I wasn't gonna find you there.

Brian tried to absorb this, he had always assumed that Justin had merely glossed over guys he'd seen and done in New York, he was now beginning to realize that Justin may have actually spent the entire time painting, and sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa.

"So we go dancing."

"Well it's still early"

Brian looked at his watch; it was only 8, far to early for anything but trolls and losers. "You're right…hmmm, how to kill the time."

Justin smiled "I say we crack open the mini bar, and relax."

"You know, you really are very smart…for your age"

Justin stuck his tongue out at Brian bouncing over to the mini bar, threw him a couple of tiny bottles, and grabbed a few for himself. They spent the next couple of hours developing a nice buzz, and fucking.

The club was, well, it was a club, loud, hot, with a beat that hit you in the solar plexus. Over priced drinks and hot guys cruising the both of them, separately and together. They hadn't discussed it but both seemed content to dance with each other. Brian was somewhat gratified to see that even after all this time, (six months, Christ it felt like longer), the two of them still drew stares when they danced together.

It was more than Justin's Twinkie goodness, and more than his confident swagger, together, they were something else entirely, and it felt good to move together, to separate and dance with others only to return to one another a few songs later.

Justin pulled a popper out of his pocket and Brian looked surprised, although he shouldn't have, hell, he just learned today the kid was a boy scout, and here he was, prepared.

The hazy buzz of amyl nitrate, combined with excessive amounts of scotch and the site of Justin, smiling, carefree, exuberant made him pull the boy closer, and then pull him off the dance floor altogether.

It was a practiced dance that they had done so long ago, as he would usher Justin into a back room but it had been a while and for some reason he was slightly more tentative, he needn't have been, Justin followed him gladly, and as Brian pushed him against a wall, pushing Justin's pants down off his hips, kissing his neck, it felt familiar and new and exciting at the same time, and Brian remembered why he loved this. He knew, with all the bullshit that had gone on in the past couple of months that he should be analyzing Justin's actions more, figuring out why a kid who's been practically a hermit suddenly wants back into the club scene, but right now, at this moment, all he wants is to bury himself deep inside him.

He pins Justin's arms above his head, and hears him moan, opening the condom wrapper with his teeth he slides it on in a well-practiced motion. His cock is throbbing and he pushes slowly, just hitting the rim of Justin's ass. Justin moans louder, his forehead against the wall, his arms above his head, pushing back trying to take more of him inside, but Brian savors the moment, moving just the head in, and then pulling out, he hears Justin whimper and he leans in, kissing his neck where it meets his shoulder, nipping at the sensitive skin there.

"Tell me what you want,"

"I want you,"

"What do you want me to do?"  
"Fuck me."

"What?" Brian nipped a little harder and Justin moaned louder

"FUCK ME!"

A few heads turn but Brian just smiled and pushed deeper into him, he pressed his body against Justin's, pinning him to the wall for a moment allowing Justin a moment to adjust to the feeling of being filled by him.

Then he pulls back and begins in earnest, pounding into him, hard and steady, Justin pushing back meeting his every thrust, Brian keeps his arms pinned and Justin struggles just a little because he wants to come, wants to touch himself. "I'll do it for you" Brian says, and with his free hand grasps Justin's weeping cock. He presses his thumb against the slit, as he thrusts deeply into him and Justin moans his name "Brian" and then he matches his thrusts to his hand motions as he runs his hand from the base of Justin's cock to the tip and back again, running a finger around the head as if it were his tongue.

Brian loves this part, the part where he's in control, the part where Justin doesn't want anything but more of Brian's touch, and finally, he speeds up his motions and they come together, both throwing their heads back as if in a choreographed dance and as soon as Justin shoots all over the wall Brian releases his hands, and pulls out of him.

Justin turns around quickly, kissing Brian so hard he almost falls backwards. His legs are wrapped around Brian's waist and the taller man takes a step forward, leaning Justin against the wall for support as he continues to kiss him. Eventually Justin thighs release their grip on Brian's waist and he lowers his feet to the ground. He throws his head back and laughs. I thought my knees were gonna buckle. Brian just looks at him. Justin tilts his head and looks back "What?"

"You are fucking hot"

Justin smiles, "Dance with me." they straighten their clothes, and spend the next hour entwined together, hypnotized by the strobe lights, the thumpa thumpa, each others eyes, and the musky scent of one another, and at four in the morning they stagger back to the hotel to fall asleep, spent and exhausted.

Justin wakes up first, but not with an anxiety attack, with a smile. He had originally suggested the club to show Brian he wasn't a hermit, and to give Brian a chance to release, to just forget everything. He knew there were too many memories in the small gay community of Pittsburgh for Brian to really feel that same freedom that would come with the anonymity of a club elsewhere. What he hadn't counted on is how much he had needed it, or at least wanted it. He had been scared to death but Brian would be there, nothing to bad could happen if Brian was there, and then they were just… back, like they were so long ago, happy, carefree, dancing, watching men gaze enviously at them, and the back room, Justin had forgotten how good raw sex based on drugs and need could be, and suddenly realized why Brian thought people who gave this up forever were idiots.

No, he didn't want to dance every night, but every once in a while, it was nice to just lose yourself in the crowd, in the movement, in the beat, in the heady scent of sex and beer and catty gossip. Last night had been good for him and now if he could just get through today, this meeting, and tomorrow, the show, he would, he swore to himself, take better care of himself, stop being so pathetically afraid all the time, and let go of his death grip on Brian.

Brian opened his eyes slowly, his head feeling as if it were weighted down. He moaned a little and threw his arm over his eyes to block out the daylight. "Christ" he thought to himself, "Am I actually getting too old for this?" Then he smelled coffee, and heard Justin, "c'mon old man, you'll feel better if you drink this." He sat up to be rewarded with a mug of coffee just the way he liked it, black with about a pound of sugar.

"Last night was fun."

Brian nodded silently, not actually ready for conversation

Justin seeing Brian's need for a little morning silence kissed him on the forehead and grabbed his sketchbook.

Brian glanced over at the blonde, who looked no worse for wear, and realized that there was to be another entry in the "moments I'd rather not have captured" section of Justin's sketches. "Why don't you wait until I'm showered and dressed before you immortalize me?"  
"Because that's boring, I like it when your face is all smooshed from the pillow, and your hair is kinda everywhere and you can barely keep your eyes open or your head up."

"You're a freak."

"Well, I was taught by the best."

Brian snorted, the closest he was going to get to a laugh until the caffeine did it's magic. He held up the mug of coffee "Thanks."

Brian glanced at his watch, it was noon, they still had a little time before Justin was due at the gallery. "Come here"

Justin put down his pencil and pad and walked over to him, wearing only the hotel robe, looking for all the world as he had the day Brian had found him the first time he'd run away.

Justin, sensing what Brian wanted, dropped the robe to the floor. Brian put the coffee mug down, and pulled Justin by the arm until his naked body fell on top of his.

They were running a little late when they finally got to the gallery.

Brian hung back, watching Justin, who seemed intent on convincing Ranston of something.

"It's upside down."

"Not a problem we can fix that. I'd like for you to be here on Saturday as well, if that's possible."

"I'm sorry, I have to be in Toronto on Saturday, but I'll be back in a month or two for another appearance."

"There are going to be some very important people here tomorrow."

"And I'll be here as promised, circulating and schmoozing." Justin threw the gallery owner a sunshine smile, "So can I see what other pieces are going to be in the show?"

Ranston put his arm across Justin's shoulder and led him around to the back of the gallery where some of the other artists' work that would be featured was being stored.

Brian watched Justin carefully, he could see a tight pulled look in his face, a sure sign of nerves, and then he watched him give that Ranston guy that smile, and he pretended that it didn't bother him. It was harder to pretend that he was okay watching the gallery manager so casually drape himself around Justin and lead him away. Brian took a deep breath, reminding himself that this was part of the deal.

Justin was so absorbed in the other artists' work that he lost track of time, it was almost two hours later when he emerged from the back room. His eyes searched the gallery franticly and he began to panic when he couldn't find Brian.

He glanced at his watch and realized just how long he'd been back there "oh god, he left, he just left." Justin closed his eyes, and tried to breathe but the air wouldn't come, his throat was closed, his mouth dry, his heart was racing; he was going to pass out. He was standing in the middle of the gallery, white walls spinning around him when Brian walked in.

Brian's eyes found Justin immediately, "about fucking time." He thought to himself, and then he really focused on him, "shit" his long legs covered the space between them in moments, and Justin was buried into his chest breathing deeply before he was even sure what was happening.

When Justin saw Brian he thought he was imagining it, he was dizzy, and felt like he was about to fall, but he couldn't move, he was cemented to the floor. But then he felt Brian's arms around him, and Justin breathed, inhaling the scent of Brian burying his head into Brian's chest.

Brian said nothing; he just kept his arm around Justin as the left the studio and walked a couple of blocks. Once Justin seemed to have calmed a bit he held him at arms length. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"You were gone."

"I went out for a cigarette, you were back there for two hours. Justin what happened, did he…"

"He?"

"The gallery guy"

"Did he what?"  
Brian was still a bit shaken, Justin had looked like he was about to collapse, unheeded tears had been streaming down his face, and he seemed so desperate when they finally came together, he couldn't help but wonder if that fucker Ranston had hurt Justin. His stomach knotted at the thought, his jaw clenched.

"Did he hurt you?"

Justin looked at him confused "Ranston, why would he hurt me?"

Brian rolled his eyes, "what the fuck Justin, I go out for a cigarette, I walk back in and you're crying, looking like all the blood has drained from your body, tell me what happened" this last part he said more quietly, realizing that Justin was still upset.

Justin inhaled a ragged breath. Nothing happened, I was looking at the other stuff that was gonna be in the show, and I lost track of time, I guess I just freaked when I realized how long I'd been back there…"

"And that I wasn't there. Did you think I left?"

Justin looked down, embarrassed, realizing this was probably the stupidest reason to be upset ever.

"Look at me Justin"

"Justin raised his eyes slowly"

"Did you think I left, just walked out without a word?"  
"Yes"

"Do you really think I'd do that?"

"No"

"Then what's with the drama queen tears?"

"Just practicing I guess, in case something bad actually happens." Justin tried to smile, to turn this back into something light and funny.

Brian pulled Justin towards him, draping his arm protectively around his shoulder, "Tell you what, why don't we go buy something insanely expensive and almost as pretty as me, and then go back to the hotel for some really hot…room service."

Justin laughed and said, "you think there are things almost as pretty as you?"  
Brian leaned in and kissed him "there's you"

And Justin swallowed hard and forced himself to simply repress any more feelings of doubt he had at the moment. He was with Brian, the show would be fine and then they could get out of New York.

"We could go to FAO Schwartz and spend a ridiculous amount of money on your son and his sister, maybe even buy something for Sam."

Brian smiled, "Excellent plan, lets go spoil the kids rotten."

The room was now cluttered with toys. Brian had gone overboard at the toy store, but he couldn't resist. Justin had been almost happy, except for the tightness around his smile, he was genuinely enjoying picking things out for Gus and JR.

"We're going to have to pay extra to get all this stuff on the plane you know"

Brian just looked at him I just spent a couple grand on stuffed monkeys and dancing giraffes, you think I care what it's gonna cost to get them there?"

Justin shrugged, "Mel's gonna have a fit."

"Yeah well that's not new. You ready?"  
"Ready as I'll ever be. Have I mentioned that I hate these things?"  
"About fifteen times in the last half hour"

"Well, it bears repeating"

"Just remember, schmooze, champagne, canapés, home, fucking you senseless."

Justin reached up and snaked his arms around Brian, "don't wander too far tonight?"  
"It'll be like I'm your personal body guard" Brian emphasized his statement by running his hands up and down Justin's body, watching his eyes dilate with desire. He bent his head to give him a kiss on the forehead and then smacked his ass, "Now lets go."

The show was uneventful, Brian managed to hover even from the other side of the room, wandering casually around and never quite taking his eyes of Justin. He watched him smile, shake hands, shove cards into his pocket as they were handed to him by art critics, art aficionados, and of course, the more than occasional guy who was just cruising the hot new artist. Justin paid little attention to any of the cards, just jammed them into his pockets and moved on. He constantly had a glass of champagne in his hand, and Brian noticed he didn't eat, but fuck, who would eat these disgusting hors devours. Finally hours later the last guest was gone, and Ranston shook Justin's hand, kissed his cheek, and Brian came up behind Justin his arms draped over his shoulders. Justin intertwined his fingers with Brian's and turned his head to kiss the only person who had kept him from falling apart this evening, even though they hadn't spoken a word to each other in hours.

"Ready to get out of here?"

"Mmmmmm, you know I drank the champagne and scmoozed the critics, now you have to keep up your end of the bargain." Justin emphasized the point by pushing himself back against Brian's body, feeling Brian's almost instantaneous arousal.

"Damn contractual obligations." Brian grumbled.

And they headed back to the hotel room.

Chapter 13

The plane landed in Toronto at a little after nine on Saturday morning. By the time they'd rented a car, managed to get all of the toys packed into it, and arrived at Mel and Lindz's it was well past noon.

Brian got out of the car and was immediately greeted by a blur of brown hair that attached itself to his legs calling "daddy daddy daddy" Brian smiled, and winced a little at the feel of the boys cast slamming against the back of his knee.

He bent down to pick up Gus, "Hey sonny-boy."

"Daddy, you're here!"

"Where else would I be?"  
Gus seemed to ponder this for a moment, and then smiled "Away. But now you're not away. You're here." Gus then looked over at his mommies who were both hugging Justin hello. Justin was holding JR by the time Brian approached the group.

Lindsay hugged Brian while he was still holding Gus, and then took a step back, beaming at the both of them.

"Gus, why don't you let daddy and Justin bring their things in from the car, and then you can show him your new room."

"K" Gus wriggled until Brian put him down and laughed as the kid ran full speed towards a tire swing beside the house. "He's fast."

"He's in a hurry to do everything" Lindsay replied, reminds me of someone I know.

Brian took JR from Justin, "Christ, he looks like Michael, he's got his nose"

'Hi Brian" Melanie said as she removed JR from Brian's arms.

"Hey Melanie." Brian replied, relinquishing the girl.

The house seemed bigger inside than it appeared fro the exterior. The house in Pittsburgh had been somewhat cramped. This was large with an open floor plan.

He and Justin unloaded the car, and sat quietly as they listened to Gus squeal with delight at all his new toys, and Melanie and Lindsay admonish Brian for spoiling him.

"Well, if I don't spoil my sonny-boy, who will?"  
"His parents" Mel said with a little more force than necessary. Brian was about to say something back when a hand on his knee from Justin and a glare from Lindsay made him reconsider. He shrugged, "We were bored, we killed some time."

"So Gus, you want to show me your room?"  
Gus was entranced with a video learning system he'd just received and looked up at his dad and seemed to consider the question. "We can't right now, Sam is taking a nap." Brian nodded, and Justin moved down to the floor to play with Gus.

"So, have you two eaten?" Lindsay asked.

"No, we had to leave early, I'm going to have to kill Cynthia, she knows I hate morning flights."

"You're just mad because we got interrupted this morning."

Brian nodded, "Fucking bellman."

"Brian, language." Lindsay gave him a look.

"You told them to come get our stuff at seven."

"Who knew they were going to be on time?"

Lindsay laughed, "Honestly you two, don't you ever take a break?"  
Brian's face, while pretending to consider the question, looked remarkably like Gus's, "No."

Well, let me at least make you some sandwiches, so you can keep your strength up.

Lindsay headed off to the kitchen.

Brian followed her.

"So how are you doing really?" he asked, sitting on a kitchen chair and propping his feet up on another.

Lindsay looked at him oddly, "Fine, I've been telling you we're doing fine for a while, why do you keep acting like you don't believe me?"

"Because I know you."

"Brian, nothing's wrong, it was a big move, and we're adjusting, everything is…"

"Fine." Brian finished for her.

"Yes, now could you please take these out to the table." she turned and handed him a couple of bowls filled with potato salad and something else that Brian wasn't going to touch, but he shrugged and put them on the table.

Gus was so busy telling the entire history of his day during lunch that he barely ate, apparently he and Sam had had several astounding adventures involving hiding under bushes, and running through a river, and chasing a rabbit for miles.

Brian listened attentively. He pretended not to notice that Justin barely ate his sandwich, but did manage to pull it apart and make it appear as if he had.

He hadn't pressed the food issue in New York, knowing that Justin's eating habits were directly related to stress and the show had thrown him off his game. But the piece had sold, for a higher price than expected. Brian had recognized what it was the moment he'd seen it. You can't spend as many hours as Brian Kinney did staring into the mirror without recognizing your own eye when it was staring back at you ten feet high. It amused him that someone now had him perpetually staring at them from their wall, but it amused him more that they had paid over 20 grand for the honor. He didn't mention the subject matter to Justin. But he was starting to get an idea of how much the artist had obsessed over him while in New York.

He looked over at Gus, who was still talking while Lindsay was trying to get him to eat something. She tucked her hair behind her ear as she tried to entice him to try a carrot stick.

"What the hell is that?"

Lindsay looked up quickly, and Brian put his hand on the spot where her jaw and neck met, there was a dark purple bruise. Lindsay pulled his hand away and moved her hair back to cover it, laughing "someone was a little overzealous with the hugging while wearing his cast."

"But mommy…" Gus said

"Oh honey, it's okay I know it was an accident." And she picked Gus up and said, do you think Sam is awake yet?"

Gus grabbed Brian and Justin's hands and dragged the upstairs, the house was sparsely furnished downstairs and the upstairs was in a similar state. Gus had bunk beds, "Sam sleeps on the top one and I get the bottom one which is cooler 'cause it's like a fort."

Mel had already taken Justin and Brian's bags up to the spare bedroom, which was outfitted simply with a bed and a single dresser.

"We're back to tortured starving artist world," Brian whispered into Justin's ear. Justin laughed and they continued to listen to Gus prattle on about Sam and his dog and the mean monster that they had narrowly escaped.

He sat on Gus's bed and listened to him go on about how loud the monster got at night. Gus climbed up and sat next to him on the bed, telling him a long story about the return of the Jedi, and Brian nodded and "mmmmmm hmmm'd" at the appropriate times. When Justin popped his head in on them twenty minutes later they were both sprawled half on and half off the bed asleep. Gus was pressed against his father's chest, Brian's arm laying half off the bed and serving as a pillow for his son.

Quietly Justin grabbed his sketchpad and pencil from his bag and sat at the door, capturing the moment.

Lindsay walked by smiling at the vignette on her way downstairs.

"Well Brian hasn't changed much" Melanie said as she began picking up and trying to find a place for all of the things they'd brought for Gus and JR.

"Mel, he hardly ever gets to see him, and he just wants Gus to know he's loved."

"He is loved, buy US, his parents, you and me, why the fuck did he even have to come up here?"  
"Mel, Gus is his son, and Brian has changed, a lot. Did you see the way he was with Gus, and with Justin, he's softened."

"Why do I even bother, you always take that asshole's side."

"Mel that's not fair"

"And what is fair, is it fair that we had to leave the fucking country, is it fair that they won't let me practice law, is it fair that Brian fucking Kinney can provide for us and our kids when I can't?"

"Can't we just be grateful that he's willing to help?"  
"No, I can't be grateful, I… You know what, FUCK THIS."

And with that Mel left, slamming the door behind her.

The sound of the slamming door woke Gus and his father. They both had the same groggy reaction, sitting up quickly. This of course caused Brian to hit his head on the upper bunk "FU…dge" He rubbed the spot he'd hit.

What was that noise?

"That was mommy leaving" Gus said, "She leaves loud sometimes."

Justin stood up and took his sketch into the bedroom to finish from memory while it was still fresh and Brian and Gus downstairs.

"Everything…"

"Brian, if you ask me if everything's okay I'm going to scream so just don't"

Lindsay was on the verge of tears.

"Hey Gus, why don't you go upstairs and Justin will give you some paper and you can draw with him okay?"

"K"

Gus ran up the stairs.

Brian sat on the couch next to Lindsay, pulled her to him and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Is the big bad Mel in a mood?"

"Yes"

"Is the big bad Mel mad that I'm here?"  
"Yes"

"Is the big bad Mel gonna have to just get over it?"

Lindsay laughed, "Yes"

Well then, that's settled, "So what the fuck is up with you two?"

I've told you, she's stressed, Brian it's nothing. Brian nodded "If you say so."

"I do."

The rest of the visit went more smoothly. Melanie kept her temper in check, Gus and Sam were inseparable for the moment and Justin seemed to be pretty relaxed, for Justin.

There had only been one incident, a nightmare, causing him to accidentally wake Brian up by sitting up too quickly, not realizing where his hand had landed he basically punched Brian in the solar plexus. Brian had soothed him back to sleep and the next morning Justin didn't even seem to have a memory of the event.

Justin hugged and kissed Mel and Lindz goodbye trying not to cry when Gus was sobbing while saying goodbye to Brian, but he only held out until they got into the car.

"You okay there?"  
"Yeah, I just…already miss him" he's so like you Brian

"Yeah but you've already got me, could you really deal with TWO of me?"  
Justin leaned over and nuzzled into Brian's neck kissing him softly, I've missed you too.

They were late getting the car back, and they were both a bit disheveled when they finally got on the plane, but their smiles were wide, and Brian didn't get nearly as drunk this time, because it's hard to drink when there's a beautiful blonde who refuses to remove his tongue from your mouth or his hand from your pants.

"It's good to be home"

"It would be better if home weren't a construction site"

"They say they'll be done in two weeks"

Brian snorted, "That's what they told me when they started, two months ago"

"But you didn't believe them then"

"And I should believe them now?"  
"It'll be done for the housewarming right?"  
"I suppose, if not, it'll be one of Emmett's amazing theme parties, something with everyone dressed in hard hats and work boots."

"How very village people."

"We have to meet with Gregory tomorrow to finalize some things"

"do I have to be there?"

"Only if you want any say in the furniture for the great room, or the entire design of the bedroom."

"Tomorrow?"

"You got a hot date?"  
"No I was just hoping to get some serious studio time in today and tomorrow, It's been almost a week"

"It's been four days."

"That's more than half a week."

Brian rolled his eyes, "okay, but then I'm going with the all black walls and the leopard print duvet."

Justin elbowed his chest lightly, and Brian winced, since he managed to hit the exact spot he'd bruised at Mel and Lindz's. "Whoops, sorry."

"'Sokay, just watch your hands next time you wake up screaming, or you could hurt something really important."

"I wasn't screaming, I was just a little nervous."

"A little nervous? That's a lovely revisionist history lesson you're giving me"

"Okay maybe I was scared"

"Of what?"  
"I don't wan to talk about it"

"Doesn't mean you shouldn't."

"It was a nightmare, I get them sometimes, you know that, it's part of my charm" Justin smiled a close-lipped little grin that always amused Brian.

"Yeah, you're fucking charming, and strong."

Justin leaned in and kissed the spot "Better?"  
"Mmmmmm, but now it hurts, lower"

Justin locked his eyes on Brian while he kissed Brian's abdomen, loving the feel of the muscles involuntarily contracting at the sensation. "How's that?"  
"The pain just keeps moving lower."

Justin smiled and moved his head under the blanket, swirling his tongue lightly around the head of Brian's cock. He repositioned himself for a better angle and began to lick and suck just the head until Brian growled. He knew Brian wanted more, but he was determined to go slow, to make him wait, to get him to ask for what he wanted directly. And so Justin didn't speed up at all. He licked, and swirled, eventually he ran his tongue down the shaft, flicking it and then ran it back up the other side. Finally he took the whole head into his mouth again, but refused to touch any other part of Brian or take him any deeper. He felt Brian move and lifted his head to prevent him from thrusting into his mouth. He continued the languid swirling of his tongue.

Brian was getting aggravated, he leaned his head against the pillow, trying to lose himself in the feeling but he wanted more, and the fucking kid knew it. Justin was toying with him and he was not amused.

"God dammit Justin, fucking blow me!"

Justin lifted his head and raised an eyebrow "Ask me nicely."

Brian couldn't believe the little fucker had the nerve.

"You can have anything you want, all you have to do is, Ask. Me. Nicely."

Justin's voice was syrupy sweet, he licked lightly again at the now purple head of Brian's hard cock.

Brian gritted his teeth "Please. Blow. Me."

Justin seemed to consider the option and ran his tongue across the slit, applying just a small amount of pressure making Brian gasp involuntarily.

Brian had half a mind to get up and finish himself off in the shower, but he couldn't. Hell if he was gonna fucking beg for a blowjob. Then he looked down, Justin's eyes met his as his tongue shot out and performed another swirl.

Brian's voice was huskier now "I want you to blow me, please, I want to come in your mouth, I want to feel your lips on me, please. "

Justin smiled "All you had to do was ask." and then he went to work, sliding his lips all the way down until he hit the base of Brian's cock, feeling Brian actually slide down the back of his throat, he concentrated on a small swallow that made Brian practically buck. He continued his ministrations with tongue lips, and throat until he was sure Brian was ready, then his hand reached up and began to lightly fondle Brian's balls, delicate artists fingers working their magic, and Brian shot, moaning loudly. Justin wasn't done.

He continued to lick gently at Brian's cock and balls; licking him clean and when he was sure the job was complete he climbed back up to the head of the bed and kissed Brian. "There is no way you'd choose black walls and a leopard print duvet."

"I might, you should probably come with me as you have much better taste than I do."

"Flattery this is new."

"I just don't feel like hearing you bitch if you don't like it"

"What if I promise I won't bitch?"

"Shut up, you're coming, now would you fucking untie my hands so I can get up and take a shower?"

Justin laughed, "told you that I could tie a good knot."

The next day they met with Gregory at Brian's office. He had fabric samples for the furniture for the Great room and color palate suggestions for the bedroom. The boys were poring over these while Gregory tried to point out the benefits and down sides of each. They were agreeing on nothing and Justin just wanted to finish and get back to the studio, but his artist's eye couldn't resist the challenge that was finishing the house. It was the house of his dreams. It was the house Brian had bought when he had finally been willing to take a chance on love and Justin was scared to fuck it up.

Brian just wanted it done. He was sick of wearing shoes in the house, sick of the dust, sick of eating out because the kitchen appliances had been removed and the new ones weren't due for another three days. He was grumpy and aggravated, and Gregory was a pretentious motherfucker.

He pointed to a set of fabrics; they were all in shades of red "these."

Justin shook his head, "We'll hate them in a week, plus too trendy."

Brian shrugged, "these?" they were a deep plum color accented with cream

Justin wrinkled his nose "My grandmother had her entire condo done in just those colors."

"These?" It was a pale yellow and Wedgwood blue.

"Just no." Justin replied "These." he pointed it was saddle colored leather with bone and hunter green accents.

"Little too hunt club for me." Brian said

Justin moved on… "These?"

Hmmm, Brian carefully considered them, the dark brown leather for the sofa with sage and cordovan velvet accents.

"I like it."

"So do I."

"So," Gregory asked, "Should I place the order?"

"Yes" they spoke in unison. They'd spent hours choosing the style of the sofa, Brian's tastes still fell towards modern and Justin was still convinced that the modern look would go badly in the new house. He had given in on the den, because, well, it was loft like, and they both felt comfortable there, but for entertaining, and to make the house the showplace that Brian deserved, he had finally talked Brian into something just a little more traditional.

Gregory was showing them the area rug and accent pieces he felt would best compliment their choices, and other than a small disagreement about the coffee table, the rest of the decisions went rather quickly.

But then they were back to the color schemes for the bedroom. There was in fact a black and leopard skin option that made them both smile, as they moved it directly to the NO pile.

They were left with three possibilities after sorting through some of the horrific options Gregory had provided. Someone, somewhere, might want tangerine walls with a blueberry carpet, but it wasn't what they were looking for.

They considered the three boards carefully, as the bed was already there, and had a light wood, modern art feel, Gregory was pushing for the white art gallery look, but even Brian had to admit that while he loved the clean lines, it looked more like a hospital room than anything else, and so they discarded the white as well.

That left them with the option of pewter textured walls, which Brian kind of liked and the one that Justin preferred, it was a soft celery color with accents in off white and light wood, that would compliment the bed nicely but be more warm and welcoming, according to Justin. In the end the bedroom was truly Brian's domain, and so they went with the pewter walls and brushed nickel hardware on the pale wood furniture with modern lines.

Gregory breathed a sigh of relief; he could finally order what was needed for the two rooms that had given the couple the most difficulty. This project may actually be completed; he had begun having his doubts.

Decisions made, notes taken Gregory left to go place orders, argue with suppliers, and generally do whatever was necessary to keep Brian from destroying his career if the house wasn't finished by the date of the house warming.

Brian looked at his watch; it was only 2:00 "Lets go grab some lunch at the diner."

"Mmmmmm, I'd love to", Justin replied, "but I have to get…"

"Back to the studio" Brian frowned

"Brian, you promised you weren't gonna give me any more shit about it as long as I took care of myself, and look", he stood up and turned in a circle, "I slept, I've eaten, hand's fine" he flexed his hand a couple of times to illustrate his point "so can I please go finish my art so I don't have to admit that I'm a total fucking failure who can't even get enough pieces together when offered his own show?"

Brian looked at him. "Okay, but Debbie's gonna be pissed if she finds out you were a three blocks away and didn't stop in and say hi."

"And if I stop in and say hi? How long do you think I have to stay before she lets me leave?"

"Just keep me company for lunch, and then I promise, I'll get you out of there, 45 minutes tops."

"Promise?"  
"45 minutes."

Justin sighed, "Okay, but I'm really not hungry"

Brian looked at him, "I believe that, but it's up to you to convince Debbie."

They walked to the diner in silence, Justin was fighting the urge to run, back to his car, back to his studio, away from the noise of the diner, away from all the people who knew him too well, away from… just away.

"Sunshine! And Asshole."

"Nice to see you too Deb" Justin said as she hugged him tight.

"Holy shit Sunshine. You're skinny as a rail, Here, sit, I'll get you a bacon double cheese burger and fries."

"It's fine Deb, I'm really not hungry."

"I'll take a turkey sandwich Deb, thanks for asking."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll put the order in, for the BOTH of you."

They slid into a booth "Told you." Brian said.

Justin looked like he was about to cry but he blinked and suddenly his eyes cleared. Brian figured he was just overcritical of Justin's every expression lately.

Deb put the food in front of them and Brian was more relived than he was willing to admit to watch Justin take a huge bite out of the burger.

They chatted amiably about the decisions they'd made for the house.

"I'll call Emmet tomorrow and see when we can meet with him about planning the party"

"Brian?"  
"Mmmmmm?"

"Can I do it?"  
"Do what?"  
"Just let Emmett and me plan the party, I kind of want to do it for you."

"On one condition"

"Mmmmmm?"

"You make it what you want too…and I'm still paying for it."

Justin smiled, "that's two conditions."  
"as long as you don't wear yourself out, you already have a lot on your plate, with the show coming up and…" Brian trailed off, realizing that the only other thing on Justin's plate was his stress level.

Justin took another bite of the burger, and tried to taste it, it felt like sawdust in his mouth. He finally swallowed. "I'm fine." And I won't let it distract me from helping you get the house finished, or from my work, trust me, I can take care of myself."

"Always knew you could." Brian decided now was not the time to ask him why, if he COULD take care of himself, he didn't.

They finished eating, and walked back to Justin's car, arms around each other. Brian gave him a kiss before Justin climbed into the orange box. "I still can't believe you drive that thing."

"It's perfect."

"And ugly"

Justin was sitting in the drivers seat now, putting his keys in the ignition. "You love it"

"No, I don't" Brian said, "But there are things I do love", and with that, he leaned in and kissed Justin again. Then he backed away closing the drivers door, and watched the car head off down Liberty Avenue. He turned and walked back into the office.

Justin was halfway home when a song came on the radio, he didn't recognize it at first, but suddenly he was sweating and shaking. He pulled the car to the side of the road and got out as quickly as he could, and promptly vomited everything he'd managed to eat at the diner.

"Stupid song." he thought to himself, "Not even a real reason to get upset." Just something he and his mother used to like singing in the car when he was a kid.

Justin sped the rest of the way home, and locked himself in the studio with one of Brian's bottles of scotch and a large canvas. His work that afternoon had a Jackson Pollack feel to it.

Chapter 14

Brian drove home from the office wondering which Justin he'd find when he got there. He had three basic options.

Hermit Justin, a knock on the studio door, an "I'll be out when I'm done" reply and then the possibility of seeing him in the morning.

Stoned/Drunk Justin, a happy playful, horny Justin that barely let him get his jacket off before Brian found himself pushed down to the couch, floor, chair, bed, or whatever was handy.

Housewife Justin, which meant dinner, would be ready, and Justin would be oddly quiet but extraordinarily careful to cater to Brian's needs.

In the past couple of weeks Brian had tried to find a pattern and the best he could figure out was that Justin worked obsessively and did the hermit thing, then felt guilty, and became housewife Justin, actually felt like he'd accomplished something, which got him stoned/drunk Justin.

The kid had been locked in the studio for the last three days, almost without stop. He had stopped after the first twenty hours when Brian announced through the door that he was going to have it removed if Justin didn't eat something and get some sleep. He watched a grumpy Justin do as asked, and figured he's have to accept the four hours of sleep the artist allowed himself before returning to the studio.

After the next 24 hours Brian had knocked on the door, and a drunken and morose Justin emerged, literally couldn't keep his eyes open over the take out Chinese Brian had brought home, and then fell asleep on the sofa in the den, refusing to come upstairs. Brian had covered him up and gone to bed alone.

He tried to push his concern to the back of his head, but lately it wouldn't seem to stay there. He was on the phone with Emmet, planning; he'd leave the house only to meet Emmet at Deb's to finalize plans, and then come home and barricade himself in the studio again.

Justin was feeling great, he'd been doing much better about taking care of himself, he'd eaten when Brian forced him to, slept at least three, sometimes even four hours a night most nights, and he had learned to simply medicate his panic attacks with scotch and disco-pharmaceuticals. The pain management helped in two ways, it got his mind off of the pain in his hand, and the pressure he was starting to feel about the house warming, which was just over a week away now, and the show, which he felt was bearing down on him like a freight train.

The only thing that completely cleared his mind was Brian, sex with Brian, hot fucking and sucking with Brian, and he knew that while Brian would never complain it was pretty unfair to just use him as a release valve, which is why after a night of debauchery he always swore to himself he was going to be the Justin that Brian wanted. He actually kept track of time, did some grocery shopping, cooked, cleaned, whatever, on those days. Trying to make up for hid past days behavior.

The Justin that Brian wanted was a happy Justin, at least that's what Brian kept telling him when he promised to do better, apologized profusely for the slightest things, or beat himself up for mistakes.

Justin stood back and surveyed the fifth large canvas. The set was done. Finished. Completed. He was relieved. He wasn't sure he was ever going to finish the last one, and had almost scrapped the entire thing in frustration but he had finished it and, he realized as he glanced at the clock, in time to shower and have something for dinner together before Brian got home.

It was Thursday, ten days from the House warming, and he had 25 completed pieces for the show, and about a dozen sketches and a million more ideas. For the first time in a while he actually felt optimistic. He smiled and hummed to himself as he scrubbed the paint off of his skin.

Brian wouldn't be home for another hour, Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays he went to the gym after work. Justin went upstairs in his robe, throwing his paint covered clothes into the washer and changed into "real clothes" jeans and a t-shirt that had never seen the studio.

He started chopping vegetables for dinner. He was surprised to hear someone come in.

"You're home early."

"Got to the gym early today."

Brian leaned in to kiss Justin, and tasted no scotch on his breath, "hmmm, domestic Justin, okay, good to know." he thought to himself.

Justin stopped chopping and turned around, attaching himself to Brian's lips, suddenly feeling the need he'd been putting aside.

The thing about channeling all of his energy into his work was that there was just nothing left for anyone or anything else. But he was dedicated, now that the fifth canvas was complete; to getting the party plans perfect, and being everything Brian wanted.

Brian was surprised, drunk and horny Justin was the one who made the first move, domestic Justin waited for him. Granted, he made the first move almost as quickly and dinner was eaten cold or reheated as often as not on those days, but this was new, domestic horny Justin.

Brian's hands grabbed the boy's slight hips and pulled him closer. Justin moved his head down, nuzzling Brian's neck, mumbling into it. Brian could barely understand him as he breathed the words into his shoulder, but he caught the gist. He'd finished that fucking fifth canvas. Brian smiled

"We should celebrate."

"I thought we were."

"We should celebrate properly."

"I don't want to go out."

"Who said anything about going out?" Brian raised an eyebrow.

"If I recall, the guest rooms have been completed for almost," he looked at his watch" six hours now, and we have yet to christen them."

Justin smiled "Race ya"

They both bounded upstairs. It was true; Gregory had arranged for the delivery and been there to oversee the placement of everything in the two upstairs rooms reserved for overnight guests just this afternoon.

The rooms were sumptuous and elegant, better than most fine hotels, beautiful canopy beds and warm colors in rich fabrics.

Brian's longer legs got him to the room first, but Justin was right on his heels. With a hand to his chest, Brian pushed him back onto the bed. Justin looked up at him, his desire clear.

They were both still clothed, and their arousal was evident as Brian leaned over Justin and then dipped his head towards Justin's lips and kissed him thoroughly. They divested themselves of clothes piece by piece, tossing them this way and that, until they were both naked. Justin rolled them over, lying on top of Brian, pressing his body against the taller mans until no part of them wasn't touching. He moved, just a little creating a delicious friction. Brian rolled him over again and shook his head. "You've been working too hard. Just lay back and relax. The words were sweet but the tone was clear, this was not a request, it was a command.

Justin let his arms flop out to on either side of him, showing his capitulation.

Brian smiled and kissed him again, entwining their hands out to the sides, making the two of them look, for all the world, like the sexiest crucifix ever.

Brian started slowly but his needs overtook his patience and soon Justin was practically folded in half, moaning Brian's name as Brian pounded into him, hard and steady. He watched Justin's face, knowing that his own need was overpowering at the moment but not wanting to hurt him but it seemed the rougher he got, the rougher Justin wanted it. He pulled out of Justin fully and pushed himself back in, watching Justin's eyes open in surprise and darken with need. Just when he thought he'd figured the kid out, he would find something new. Justin started moaning, "Hurt me, fuck me, do it."

Brian threw his head back with abandon and gave the kid what he asked for, again and again. When he felt Justin was on the edge, thrust into him one last time, leaning in to kiss him as they both came together, breathing in each others oxygen, reveling in the feel of their bodies convulsing in unison with pleasure.

They were both laying across the bed, sweaty and smiling, and it was several minutes before either one of them spoke.

"You may be the hottest fuck I've ever brought home."

"May be?" Justin good-naturedly pushed at his shoulder.

"Are. I'd have to say you _are_ the hottest trick I've ever taken home."

"Well, that's cause this old guy picked me up when I was just a kid, and taught me everything I know."

"Sounds like a dirty old man."

"Oh he was. And a total bastard too, never thought of anyone but himself."

"Well, you should have just walked the fuck away, a guy as hot as you could have anybody he wants."

"Yeah, but I wanted him."

"So what'd you do?"  
"I fucked it up."

Brian looked at him "No, you didn't." They'd never really talked about the fiddler again, not after their reunion in his office.

"Oh I totally did, but then he was smart enough to take me back, after I was such an asshole he should have never spoken to me again."

"Guess he couldn't get enough of you."

"Yeah, something like that, he always liked to fuck me."

"Sounds like he cared about more than fucking."

Justin shrugged, "I loved him, didn't matter to me if he loved me back by then."

"He probably did though."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, I think he's probably loved you for longer than he's willing to admit."

"Shit, then I should go find him." Justin pretended to get out of bed. Brian grabbed his arm and pulled him back "No you don't. I'm not done with you yet."

"Really?" Justin said tauntingly

"Really, so you're not getting out of this bed until I give you permission."

"You can't keep me here."

"Of course I can."

"What are you going to do if I leave?"

Brian seemed to consider this, "You won't."

"You seem pretty sure of yourself."

"Have you looked at me lately, I'm fucking amazing, you're not gonna get up and leave all this." he said glancing seductively down at his own naked and prone form.

"Arrogant bastard aren't you?"

Brian just smiled.

Justin made another move to sit up, and Brian pulled him back, sitting up and swiftly pulling the blonde across his lap.

"I told you I was going to do something if you tried to leave."

Justin was half laughing, but his breathing was deeper now "You gonna spank me?"

"You've deserved this for years." Brian said, watching Justin's perfect pale bubble butt squirm on his lap. He felt the younger man's arousal and it matched his own.

He shifted his position a bit, moving his leg over Justin's thighs, trapping him there.

"Brian." But it wasn't a no, it was breathy, and a little hesitant.

Brian hadn't planned, this, but he was now fully intrigued, he raised his hand and lowered it with a loud smack, leaving a red handprint on Justin's pale skin. Justin squirmed, but did not try to get away. He brought his hand down again and felt Justin move against him, and then he was slapping his ass in the same rhythm he had used earlier to fuck him, and Justin's response was astounding, he lifted his ass up, meeting Brian's hand with each blow, begging again "Oh god, hurt me." Justin begged.

Brian stopped after a few minutes, not wanting to actually damage that perfect ass, but he gave Justin a gruff command and Justin followed his orders to the letter.

He kneeled on the floor in front of the blonde, now on all fours, slipped on a condom and fucked him, hard and fast, brutal and passionate. Justin pushed back against him, meeting him stroke for stroke. Brian kneaded and stroked Brian's now bright red ass as he slammed into him again and again. Justin pushed his head into the thick carpet as he reached his hand down to touch himself, but Brian slapped his hand away.

Justin was moaning and begging. Brian pushed him into the floor, letting him feel the friction of the carpet against his straining cock. Finally Brian reached his hand down and grabbed him at the base of his cock, it took only a few jerks before Justin shot and as he did so, squeezed against the feel of Brian inside him, inciting Brian's orgasm.

When their breathing returned to normal and they were sitting up leaning against the bed Brian shook his head and laughed, "We have to have the carpet cleaned now."

"Told you we should have had hardwood put down in here."

"Yeah, cause it's so good for the knees."

Justin just laughed.

Brian looked at him seriously, "Did I hurt you?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry.

"Sorry's bullshit, I asked you to."

"Doesn't mean I should have."

Justin shrugged, "Hurt in a good way, I swear."

He leaned over to kiss Brian, turning his entire body until he was straddling the naked man, kissing him and moving Brian's hands down to his ass. "It feels good."

Brian kissed him back, and before the evening was out, much of Gregory's hard work was in need of a dry cleaning.

Justin met Emmett at Deb's the next day for another planning session for the upcoming event.

"You know, I could figure all of this out a lot better if you'd let me see the venue. I won't stay long, just a little peek."

"Sorry, no can do. Brian says it's off limits until next Saturday night."

"But Mel and Lindz are gonna get to see it before that, they're coming in on Thursday."

"Yeah, but that's the ONLY exception"

Okay, but Justin, with the special lighting and plans that you have, I'm going to NEED to be in there first thing Saturday morning."

Justin frowned, I could probably hook up the lights, and…"

"Sweetie, you can't do everything all by yourself, it's going to take at least five guys to get the place together, plus the caterers, and the florist, and…"

"Emmett, it's going to get done right? It has to be perfect."

"It will be, have I ever done any event that was anything less that spectacular?"  
"No, but this is different"

"Because it's your event?"  
Justin smiled "yes, and because it's for Brian"

Deb was trying not to interrupt, the last time she'd offered advice or opinion on anything concerning the party she'd been kicked out of her own house by Emmet, but this time she couldn't hold her tongue

"Sunshine, you should get to enjoy this too, don't make yourself sick."

"Deb, I just want it to be…'

"Perfect, we've all heard you, a thousand times. You want everything perfect, for Brian, well, what about for you, what would be perfect for you?"  
"Everything is already perfect for me"

Deb looked skeptical "that why you look like shit?"

"Deb" Emmet admonished, "he's an artiste, he has a right to look…rumpled"

"Hey!"

"Well, honey, you are looking just a wee bit peaked these days, and while I'm all about looking young and beautiful, you're looking a little, well… "

"A little what?" Justin asked, swallowing the feeling that somehow they both knew.

"Skinny as a fucking beanpole" Deb responded

"Seriously sunshine, isn't that asshole feeding you?"

"Deb, why are you always so hard on him? It's not Brian's job to feed me."

"The hell it isn't. You say he loves you, and I believe that, hell I've known that longer than he has, but love means taking care of one another. You took care of him so many times, and now you're wasting away to practically nothing and he can't be bothered to order you a goddamned pizza?"

"Deb, you're being ridiculous" Justin's heart was beating fast in his chest. He had convinced himself that he was doing better. He was sure that he seemed fine, he worked so hard to seem fine, and now Deb is telling him that he's been kidding himself, they all knew. He threw her a big sunshine 1000-watt smile, and hoped that would throw her off the trail for a while.

"So" he turned his attention back to Emmet, "You need to be there with the crew Saturday morning?"

"I'll come help."

"Thanks Deb but no, even Emmet can't come, it'll just be the crew."

Emmet rolled his eyes "if you want it done right, you want it done by moi."

"Be that as it may, you're going to have to wait."

Justin packed his notebook, sketches, and other planning materials into his bag and handed Emmet a check, this should cover most of it, let me know if you need more.

Justin wandered around the house idly straightening a pillow or a floral arrangement. Brian was on his way back from the airport with Lindsay Mel, Gus and JR. He was excited to have their first houseguests, and nervous as well. After all the time and energy they'd put into each decision he felt as if it were an unveiling of artwork. He knew it was silly to feel this way, especially considering that Mel and Lindz wouldn't care what their place looked like, but he was still proud of it.

Brian drove Justin's car, wondering if the kid was a midget, he felt too tall in it, no matter how he adjusted the seat. It was the obvious choice, as his car didn't even have a back seat, let alone seatbelts and room for luggage and the myriad of accoutrements that came with a week long stay with an 18 month old. There was an odd tension coming of Lindsay and Mel, but he figured he'd have a chance to talk to Lindsay about it later.

"We're almost there," he told them as he glanced in the rearview mirror and saw that Gus was asleep. "What'd you do, dope him up?"  
Lindsay smiled but her smile was strained. "I think the excitement of the airport and the flight just wore him out"

"Well, his room is ready for him, and same for JR, so he'll be able to sleep in peace."

They pulled into the long driveway, and Brian stopped the car in front of the house. Melanie let out a long whistle "pretty swanky."

"It's Justin's country manor."

He opened the back to pick up Gus, and Melanie unhooked JR from the baby seat, and carried her into the house. Lindsay grabbed a couple of bags, and followed.

They walked into the foyer and Lindsay was amazed, "Brian, this place is beautiful" Justin bounded down the few steps from the great room into the two story foyer, "isn't it great, I'm so glad you guys get to be the first to see it. Lets put the kids down and then you can have the grand tour."

Brian tried to repress a smile but was unable; he flattened his face into an almost disinterested look. "I'll be in the den when you ladies are done."

Justin stuck his tongue out and took Gus from Brian, he was still sound asleep. They went to Gus's room first. Lindsay was genuinely touched by the amount of time and effort that they had put into the boys room. And as Justin took off Gus's shoes and tucked him into his racecar bed she wondered for a brief minute if Toronto had been a hasty decision, but put the thought out of her head as she looked over at Mel, and placed a light kiss on her cheek.

Mel leaned her head away from Lindsay when she tried to kiss her. She knew what Lindsay was doing, she was trying to make it seem as if she weren't so impressed with what Brian had done for their kids, but it wasn't working. "Fucking Brian and his fucking money, and his fucking ability to wiggle his way into Lindsay's heart." It was just more than she felt like dealing with. She ignored the moist look in Lindsay's eyes as she followed Justin into a room of pinks and silvers and lavender and tulle. Melanie bit back her anger. JR wasn't even Brian's kid, where the fuck did he get off building her a princess suite. She put the baby into the crib, and leaned in to give her a light kiss, and Justin proudly showed them around the rest of the house.

He led them first to the guest room they would be using, all done in rich burgundy with antiqued gold trim and a huge four-poster bed in the center of it all. They put their bags down.

"You guys can take a nap if you'd like, I can give you the grand tour when you're less tired"

Lindsay laughed, "uh uh, you're not getting out of it that easily, I want to see everything."

Justin's beamed, and bounced them down the hall, showing them the guest bathrooms, and then leading them to the master suite.

Justin admitted to having doubts about a metallic pewter wall tone, but the way it had been textured and done was so tasteful and actually made the room seem warm rather than cold. The entire room seemed to give off a soft glow, due in no small part to an incredibly expensive and intricate lighting scheme that made it seem as if all the light from the room actually radiated from the bed.

"Jesus Christ" Mel said, "You two don't go in for subtle" Justin just laughed, and then shrugged.

"This was the only room Brian got complete free reign in, so, yeah, he might have gone a bit overboard, but…"

Lindsay kissed him on the cheek "don't apologize for anything, it's beautiful."

Justin couldn't stop smiling; he'd been working so long on all of this that actually showing it off felt like a dream.

They walked down the stairs to the great room, which was laid out with several cozy conversation areas but still maintained a spacious and grand feel. He then led them through the dining room, with the burled walnut and black oak table that sat 22 comfortably. The chairs were upholstered in the same sage velvet that accented the great room. "We never eat in here," Justin said.

They walked through the wine storage and wet bar area that led to the kitchen, which finally had all of the appliances installed. The room was done in a deep mahogany finish and looked like a simple country kitchen with an antique looking stove and period recreated fixtures, but the subzero refrigerator, and the second deep freezer and state of the art dish washer were simply hiding behind mahogany panels, and the kitchen was actually top of the line.

"Would either of you like something to drink?"  
"Got a beer?" Mel asked

Justin got three out of the fridge, when Lindsay declined; he simply carried it with him, leading them down the kitchen steps.

"There are still a few rooms we need to finish, the carriage house out back hasn't been touched, and we haven't done anything with the basement or the parlor, but the den is done." He led them into the den and sat down next to Brian, handing him the other beer.

Brian took it and watched as Mel and Lindz sat on opposite sides of the room, Lindsay sitting on the other end of the couch from he and Justin and Melanie choosing a chair at the table.

"So what do you think?"

"Brian I think it's amazing, I don't know how you got it all done so fast"

"You'd be surprised what a lot of money can do"

Mel snorted and took another sip from her beer, "No I don't really think I would."

Justin waited but Brian seemed to bite back whatever he was going to say next.

"So Justin, I hear Brian created quite the space for your studio, I'd love to see it"

Brian looked over at Justin and saw him struggle.

"Lindz, all the work for the show is in there, hell, he won't even let me in anymore." This was not an exaggeration.

"I understand, and artists space is private." Lindsay said.

Brian lit a cigarette. After a long discussion with Justin they had finally come to the agreement that the den and occasionally the bedroom were the only places smoking would be allowed in the house. The den had large sliding glass doors that led to a huge brick patio overlooking the pool and tennis courts, and the ample ventilation was one of the reasons Justin had given in, the other was because he wasn't stupid, Brian was not going to go stand outside every time he wanted a cigarette and since he knew Justin smoked in the studio, that would lead to him having to share that space and that was something he just wasn't willing to do.

Mel walked over to the coffee table, picked a cigarette out of Brian's pack, lit it with his lighter and picking up an ashtray walked back to the table.

"Oh and look", Justin said, hitting a button on the wall, "We had an intercom installed so we can hear JR and Gus."

Melanie let out a long exhale of her cigarette.

The evening wore on like that, Lindsay, Justin and Brian trying to keep the conversation light, and Melanie getting progressively quieter. Finally, at around 11 Melanie announced that she was heading up to bed.

"I'll come up with you."

"No, stay and catch up with Justin and Brian, I'm just tired" with that Mel pecked Lindsay on the cheek and headed up the stairs.

"She on a permanent PMS cycle or something?" Brian asked

"She got turned down for a job recently, apparently there's a few more issues regarding her practicing law than she anticipated, she's really disappointed."

Lindsay's eyes seemed to look around the room to check for the mom police before she took the cigarette out of Brian's hand and took a long drag.

Brian leaned forward and lit himself another one, gesturing for her to keep it.

Justin leaned in and kissed Brian. "I'm gonna do a little touch up work in the studio. I'll see you later."

"Three." Brian said

"Four at the latest." Justin replied  
"Three." Brian repeated, you didn't sleep at all last night

"Yes dad."

Brian smacked his ass lightly, which only made Justin lean in and kiss his neck, and then pull away, "See you at three."

Brian took out his stash and rolled a joint, sitting down next to Lindsay, he took a deep pull and handed it to her. Again she did the surreptitious glance before taking a drag herself. Brian poured himself a scotch, and offered her one. She made a gesture with her fingers indicating maybe a small one, and Brian poured her two fingers and sat back down next to her, putting the glasses and the bottle on the table.

It wasn't long before they were both thoroughly buzzed and laughing hysterically over something.

"It was not Maria Cooper, it was Mary Cassidy who fucked me to get to you." Lindsay said. "Maria Cooper was the one who kissed me and then thought she was going to burn in hell for eternity and eventually became a nun."

"Mary Cassidy did not have a thing for me, she was in love with you she told me so freshman year."

"She said that so you wouldn't know she wanted YOU."

"Like she had a chance in hell."

"Well you have been known to sleep with women."

"One, and I was very very drunk, and you were very very persistent."

Lindsay laughed again, "Christ it's hot in here" she said shrugging off her cardigan.

"Oh Christ you're not gonna hit on me again are you, because I may be drunk but I have a hot blonde…"

Brian stopped mid sentence. "What the fuck happened to you?"  
Lindsay followed his gaze and too late realized what she had done. She pulled her cardigan back on.

"Let me see that."

"Brian."

"Interesting pattern you got there" did you fall down the steps, or did Gus do that to you?

"It's not what you think."

"Okay, so Melanie didn't get pissed off, grab your arms so hard she left marks and somehow managed to leave a lovely scratch across your collarbone." good, cause I'd hate to have to go kill her in her sleep, what with all the new carpeting we just put down.

Mel didn't do this Brian, "I was working at the gallery, and I almost dropped a painting, Joe grabbed me to steady me."

"Good, I'm glad I was wrong."

"Why would you think Mel would hurt me?"

"I'm drunk Lindsay, don't pay attention to me."

"I think it's time I go to bed."

Brian looked at his watch

"Fuck, it's three thirty, I've got to go pry Justin out of the studio before he pulls another all nighter."

Lindsay leaned over and kissed Brian "I'll see you in the morning."

He nodded "First thing after noon at the latest." they smiled at each other and as he held her hand he noticed a healing bruise on her wrist. Brian said nothing.

Chapter 15

Brian woke up to the sound of Gus crying. Justin didn't seem to hear it, and Brian couldn't figure out why it sounded like the child was in the walls until he remembered the intercom system.

He pulled on a pair of jeans and hurried to Gus's room.

He realized as he was walking that if they had thought it through more carefully they would have put the option of having the intercom also run into one of the guest rooms, but the setup was designed for when Gus and JR were visiting, not for when their mom's came with them.

Brian rubbed his face and pushed his hand through his hair and found Gus sitting on the bed, hugging his teddy bear, eyes wide, tears streaming down.

He stopped crying almost immediately when Brian entered.

"Daddy!"

Gus ran to him grabbing his leg and refusing to release his grasp.

Brian walked over to the bed, dragging Gus via his seemingly permanent attachment to his leg.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

Gus was still sniffling a little, his breathing ragged from crying, and as he opened his mouth to talk he hiccupped. Then he giggled and Brian let out a deep breath.

"I woke up."

"I noticed."

"No one was here. Where are we daddy"?

It suddenly dawned on Brian that they had put the child to bed, and forgotten that he'd never seen his room, and racecar bed or not, it's no fun to wake up alone and not know where you are.

"We're in you're new room Gus, at my house. This is where Justin and I live."

Gus smiled, "This is my room?"  
"Yup."

"These are MY toys." Gus said possessively, waving his hand around at the array items neatly placed on shelves and in bins on the opposite side of the room.

"Yeah" Brian smiled.

"Where are mommy and momma?"  
They're in their room.

"Did they get new toys?"  
Brian laughed a little too hard at this.

"No, they had to bring their own from home."

"Want mommy" Gus said, sitting on Brian's lap.

"Well, lets go find her"

Brian put the boy down and took his hand; He wanted Gus to walk to the guest room so he'd be able to find it on his own.

They walked down the long hallway and Gus looked up at a few of the pictures on the wall, "did Justin make these?"

"Some of them."

"He colors inside the lines real good."

"Yes he does."

Brian heard muffled voices coming from the guest room, they didn't sound happy.

"Momma's being loud again." Gus said, "She's loud in the morning sometimes, that's why me and Sam go and play outside."

"Sam and I" Brian corrected automatically.

"You go and play with Sam too?"  
Brian just shook his head and knocked lightly on the door.

Lindsay's voice, a little too chipper invited them in.

"MOMMY!" Gus yelled as soon as the door opened, launching himself onto the bed, no small feat as it was a raised frame and an upholstered two step riser had been created just for such purposes, but Gus managed to go from the floor to his mom's lap in a single running jump, cuddling into his Lindsay like a puzzle piece.

"I woke up and I didn't know where and then daddy told me that it was my room and everything in it is so cool and Sam's in there now making sure no one touches all my new stuff and then I wanted to see you and daddy said you were in your room but I didn't know where that was so he took me here and now I'm hungry can we have breakfast soon?"

Lindsay laughed, "We'll have breakfast in just a minute why don't we get dressed first and then we'll wake up your sister."

Justin walked in, groggy eyed, wearing only sweatpants, and holding a crying JR in his arms. "She's already awake."

He looked over at Brian "We really should have had the intercom connected to the guest rooms."

Brian smiled "I was thinking that very same thing."

Justin leaned in and kissed Brian good morning.

Mel, who had, up until this point, only been glaring, covered the space between JR and herself in three strides and plucked the girl out of Justin's arms. "We'll meet you downstairs."

Lindsay was wearing a simple sleeveless nightgown, and as she turned to pull on her robe Brian saw another bruise where her neck met her back. His stomach knotted and his jaw clenched. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before walking back with Justin to his own room.

They showered in silence; Justin was unable to interest Brian in anything more than a simple exercise in hygiene.

"What's wrong?"  
Brian remained silent

"I offer to blow you in the shower and you turn me down, so either you've gone straight on me, or something's wrong."

"It's nothing."

Justin rolled his eyes

"Has refusing to talk to me ever worked?"

"Probably, once, I'd have to check all my case notes on you, which are at the office."

"You keep case notes on me huh?"  
"Sure, there's a stenographer in the closet, and a video system in the lights over the bed."

"Mmmmmm hmmm. I'm gonna let it go, because when you're ready, you'll talk to me, but don't think I don't know that you're upset. Is it something I did? Are you mad that I interrupted you guys this morning?"  
Brian looked at him oddly "It's not you, it's not anything, I told you, nothing's wrong, now, are you going to make my son eat something I cook, or are you gonna get your cute little ass downstairs and make breakfast?"  
Justin seemed to consider his options. "Well, I guess we are better off without Gus having food poisoning, so let's go with the second option." And with that Justin stepped out of the shower and was in the kitchen ten minutes later, wearing studio ready clothes, and taking breakfast orders like the diner pro that he once was.

Justin had work to do around the house to prepare for the party. He'd convinced Brian to go with Mel and Lindz for the day. They planned on taking the kids to the zoo; Michael, Ben and Hunter were going to meet them there.

Brian spent the day watching Mel and Lindz carefully, he tried to put his suspicions aside, but it wasn't easy. Mel didn't take her eyes of Michael or JR and all but ignored Gus and Lindsay throughout the day. He'd like to be home, helping Justin but the sneaky blonde refused any assistance, determined to make this a party for Brian.

Justin spent the day on the phone with Emmet, driving him insane with final decisions, perpetual questions and general anxiety.

Michael had specific instructions to keep Brian out of the house for as long as possible today, and if at all possible get him too drunk to return home for the night.

It didn't work. At 8 all of them walked into the house Gus was asleep drooling on Brian's shoulder." Justin pushed Michael, out the door quickly, "NO, not 'til tomorrow."

The others walked into the house.

Justin and Michael stood in the driveway. Justin tried not to look aggravated but he was.

"What?" Michael asked, "He wouldn't even go to Woody's with me, he just wanted to get back here, something about helping out Mel and Lindz with the kids."

I thought you were taking JR back to your house. "Yeah well Mel thinks she's coming down with a fever, or a cough or… who the fuck knows, but she's keeping her here tonight."

"I've got a hundred people coming for a party tomorrow, and I have a million things to do and I need these people out of the house."

"It's fine, tomorrow they're meeting us at our place for brunch, and then… I don't know, I'll do something to keep them busy."

"I'm counting on you."

"I don't see what the big deal is, it's not a surprise. Brian knows there's going to be a party, hell he's paying for the whole thing."

"I want to do this for him, just keep him out of the house for one more day."

"Sure, whatever."

After Michael drove off Justin heard voices coming from the kitchen, the debate was pizza or Chinese. Brian grumbled occasionally about there being no decent Thai in the area, but he brought it home with him from the city often enough that Justin knew at this point the grumbling was nothing more than habit.

The decision was made, Chinese was ordered.

"I've got some work to do, I'll be…"

"In the studio?" Justin smiled and leaned down to kiss Brian. When he stood up Brian looked at his watch. Dinner should be here in half an hour.

"Not hungry."

"Two."

"Four."

These little battles were now almost love notes, almost; Brian did his best to keep it light but was pretty adamant about enforcing whatever compromise they came to.

"Two thirty"

"Four thirty"

Brian laughed, "You're going the wrong way."

"Two forty five."

"Three fifteen."

"Three ten."

"Sold."

"See you then." with a last kiss Justin disappeared.

"He's spending a lot of time on getting the show together," Lindsay observed

"Yeah, well, he's a perfectionist about his work."

"How's the new stuff coming?"  
Brian shrugged, "He doesn't want to show it until it's done."

"Not even to you?"  
"I think it may be an especially not to me kind of thing, but I'll just be glad when this party is over. I can't wait for people to stop nagging me about when they can see the house"

"Why haven't you let anyone see it 'til now?"

"It's not me, it's Justin, he won't let anyone see it until it's perfect"

They both looked at him oddly. "You do know that he's blaming this whole thing on you right?"

Brian concentrated on keeping his face blank.

"He's told everyone that you won't allow him to have anyone over until after the housewarming party."

"Yeah well, it's easier to believe I'm the one being the asshole than that he is, he went with the most logical excuse."

Brian let this information spin in his head. Justin had been so adamant about no one seeing the house until it was perfect that he had let it go, just throwing money at the contractors and decorators so it would hurry up and be perfect, but using him as an excuse, as if his mother, or Daphne, or even Debbie and Michael cared if the house was under a bit of construction. One more piece of damn puzzle. He wondered if it was time to talk to a shrink again, but he put the idea out of his head. Once the party was over, he could focus on Justin with a little more clarity, see if getting past this hurdle pulled him back to reality. He was hoping it would.

Brian glanced down at the table and saw Melanie holding Lindsay's hand, spontaneous shows of affection were a good sign, and maybe he was jumping to a lot of wrong conclusions lately. The doorbell rang and he got up to get the food.

"Why don't we eat in the den? Lindz, you want to grab the beer out of the fridge?"

They both nodded and Brian met them back there with the food.

They dug in and he and Lindz were trying to remember what the name of the terrible restaurant that they had always ordered from when they first got out of school, and were so broke they could barely afford ramen noodles. At ten Mel announced that she was tired and Lindsay followed her up to bed.

Brian rolled himself a joint and slowly got stoned, mixing the buzz with a couple of glasses of ice-cold gray goose as he got on the computer and did a bit of research.

Justin could not seem to get them out of the house fast enough the next morning. He gave them each a pop tart, and practically pushed them out the door.

Brian looked at the pop tart in his hand like it was an alien being. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this"?

"Eat it."

Brian looked at it questioningly "Sodium, and carbs in a handy package of artificial flavorings and, what is that on top, rainbow sprinkles?" he handed it back to Justin, "I'll pass" Justin shrugged and pushed him out the door.

"I have a lot of work to do today, I'll see you at seven, no earlier."

It was nine am, Brian shrugged, "I'm going into he office after I drop them off at Mikey's, call me if you need me"

"I won't." Justin said

Brian leaned in and kissed him, pulling the boy into an embrace. Justin struggled, he had too much to do to…. Then he melted into Brian, "Mmmmmm, maybe I will call you."

"Don't work to hard, you're supposed to enjoy this party too."

He kissed Justin softly, nibbling on his lower lip, and pulling their bodies closer. "I expect you to have plenty of energy left at the end of the night."

Justin smiled, "I promise I won't wear myself out, I'll leave that for you to do."

"That's all I'm asking." Brian smiled; he lightly ran his tongue across Justin's lips and then climbed into his car "And if you take my car, don't leave any fucking trash in it."

Justin put up his fingers to indicate scouts honor and Brian smiled as he drove away.

As he was pulling out of the driveway Brian saw several vans pull up and realized that Justin really was going to have his work cut out for him. He picked up his phone and called Emmet.

"You're coming today to help Justin right?"

"He said you wouldn't let me."

"I'm giving you permission. I've got half a dozen vans driving up to my house, this is your area of expertise, give the kid some help."

"I'll be over in a flash sweetie."

Brian was at the office when his Justin called him on his cell. "Make Emmet go away."

"No, I told him to be there."

"No one's supposed to see it until it's perfect."

"It is perfect."

"But it's not done till the florist and the…"

"Give the phone to Emmet."

"Yes Brian?"

"Be persistent."

"Yes Brian."

"Brian." Justin whined

"Don't whine, Emmet promises not to look at anything until the party, just let him in the fucking house."

Justin hung up the phone without saying goodbye and Brian hoped that he was doing the right thing.

Brian returned to the house a little before seven. Justin saw him enter and ushered him upstairs quickly. He tried to glance around but it was difficult with Justin doing his best to keep him from seeing anything. He did notice that the place looked nice. He left it at that.

Justin and Emmet were almost done. The kitchen was bustling, floral arrangements, simple vases of calla lilies and orchids were placed prominently, and the dining room table was laid with candles and crudités. The bar was set up in the corner of the dining room, and another on the deck outside the kitchen.

Cases of wine had been delivered, and the bars were stocked with the high-end stuff that Brian preferred. In all it was probably a good thing that Emmet had been there.

The electrical guy had finished the lighting project just an hour before, and handed Justin the remote, showing him how it worked. When they tried it out Justin would have been jumping up and down if he hadn't been so tired.

When Justin was convinced that everything was under control, he went upstairs to shower and get dressed.

Brian was laying on the bed, fully clothed and half asleep when Justin came in. He was about to hurry Brian into the shower when he sat down on the bed and realized how tired he was. He kicked off his shoes and rested his head on Brian's chest, laying an arm across him and closing his eyes.

"Just ten minutes." Justin said.

Brian pulled him a little closer.

A half hour later Justin opened his eyes and yelled a stream of curses without stopping for breath. Brian looked up startled.

"I said ten fucking minutes, TEN."

Brian looked at his watch "It's fine, we've got plenty of time, the invitation says 8, that means no one will be here 'til at least 8:30, that's gives us almost an hour.

Justin was already naked and getting into the shower "You really think Deb is going to wait 'til 8:30, or Michael?"

Brian joined him in the shower as he franticly soaped his hair, while still talking

"Or Daphne, or my mom? Christ Brian, we're gonna be late to our own party." He turned around and punched at Brian's arm "Why didn't you wake me?"

Brian was doing his best not to laugh. "I'm sorry, I really am."

Justin picked up his razor and was about to start shaving when Brian grabbed his wrist. "Why don't you just slow down a little with the really sharp blade in your hand okay? Can't see first impressions of the house going well if your face is all covered in blood." He took the razor out of Justin's hand and with long slow strokes shaved across Justin's jaw line. Kissing each newly smoothed spot.

"Brian, we don't have time for this."

"We have plenty of time, now relax, I don't want to hurt you."

It's hard to argue with a man holding a razor to your neck; it's also hard to argue with Brian when his hot mouth soothes any potential razor burn. Justin leaned his head back and allowed Brian to finish the job.

"I'm glad Hunter volunteered to watch Gus and JR tonight, Mel and Lindz seem like they could use a break."

"Shhhh," Brian said as he finished the last stroke and kissed Justin right where his jaw met his neck. But it was nice to know he wasn't the only one who thought the couple seemed tense.

They dressed quickly and Brian said nothing about the fact that the suit that was tailored to fit Justin exactly just two months ago was hanging off of him and that his belt was on it's last hole. The kid had to start eating.

Brian wore black pants and his Armani tuxedo shirt, but decided to forgo a jacket, as it would seem too formal.

Justin was fidgeting but he looked amazing, even if the suit was no longer a perfect fit.

"Ready?"  
It was 8:05 the heard the doorbell ring.

"Ready."

Brian interlaced his fingers with Justin's feeling the younger man's nerves coming off of him in waves. He stopped him at the top of the steps and kissed him, sucking on his tongue in a steady rhythm until he felt Justin relax a bit. "Okay, now we're ready."

They came down and opened the door.

Everyone was there, Deb was standing front and center, but Emmett and Carl flanked her on either side. Ted and Blake were directly behind them and Melanie and Lindz were standing next to Michael and Ben.

"Welcome all." Brian said, making a grand sweeping gesture he moved to the side to allow them access.

After the grand tour the doorbell rang again and this time Emmet answered it, and as people greeted Brian and Justin, the true flow of guests began.

For Justin everything after that was a blur. He circulated, making sure everything was going as planned. Accepting hugs from his mother and Daphne and a few others in a bit of a daze, making small talk with Brian's employees and business associates, and generally keeping an eye on Brian the entire time to make sure he was enjoying himself.

Brian was impressed, the party was going well, he hadn't expected anything less but was still relieved, as he knew how much this meant to Justin. People didn't seem too bored, and his friends were obviously impressed with the place, which he honestly did not care about. He was however pleased that Justin seemed to be getting rave reviews. At 11:00, Justin and Emmett seemed to take over for a moment, the catering staff was there to help, moving the furniture, and the DJ cut the music.

Justin pulled out the remote and hit a couple of buttons. The lights dimmed, and then went out, and suddenly, subtly placed floor lights, and the laser lights that had been installed this morning lit the place with a different kind of atmosphere. The DJ cranked up a dance tune and the entire house was suddenly doing a fairly accurate impersonation of Babylon. Brian threw back his head and laughed. The kid never ceased to surprise or amaze him.

And as the next song started Brian recognized it, and pulled Justin to him, and they danced, in the dark, together, as others followed. The table that had been so elegantly laid out with caviar puffs and baked Brie now also sported an ample supply of poppers and E.

The party livened up, and it was after three before the last guest staggered out into the night. Brian and Justin made it up to their room where there was one surprise left.

Brian walked into what could only be described as his old loft. Justin had sometime during the evening arranged for the light fixture, six neon bars to be hung over the bed. The dark blue sheets, the duvet, it all looked right.

"Were we feeling nostalgic?" Brian asked, kissing at Justin's chest, which had been bare for at least the last hour or so, he wasn't quite sure when the shirt had been removed, he just remembered having been angry it was there at the time.

Brian and Justin were both stoned, and horny, and suddenly Brian had an irrational surge of anger at Justin's pants. "You're pants are stupid."

"Why?"  
"Because they're on you."

"I'll make them smarter."

"Do that."

Justin started to take his pants off, but Brian was too busy trying to touch him to let him do a very efficient job

When he was finished Justin laid back on the blue bed "Now you're the one with stupid pants."

"I'll make them really smart, I'll put them right here." He dropped them, arms out, at his sides, he took a step forward, looking like he did the first night they'd ever met.

"So are you…?"

Justin didn't even let him complete the line

"I'm staying."

Brian collapsed on top of him, his mouth everywhere at once.

And it was well after two the next day before they emerged from the bedroom, freshly showered, completely sated, a little bruised, and extraordinarily hungry.

Chapter 16

There were a couple of members of the cleaning crew finishing the task. The large silver confetti had all been swept up, the furniture was back where it belonged, and other than a few boxes of rental glasses the great room looked the way it was supposed to.

The dining room was also back in order, the kitchen however had a few extra items, specifically, a large table of guests.

Brian shot them all a crooked smile, not ready to deal with conversation before coffee. He walked over towards the coffee maker and was pleasantly surprised to find a full pot.

"It's fresh I just made it." Debbie said from her seat at the end of the table.

"Deb, it's so nice of you to just drop by." Brian said caustically.

"I came to see my granddaughter. She's been here for two days and this is the first chance I've gotten to see her." Brian winced at the sound of Deb's voice as he pulled down two mugs from the cabinet and filled each with coffee. He dumped sugar into his and handed Justin's to him, black the way he liked it. They silently toasted each other. Justin moved toward the table and took a seat next to Emmett.

Mel was sitting on Deb's right, not taking her eyes off of JR, and Michael was on her left, making faces at the baby.

Brian walked down the three steps that led to the den and sat on the sofa, watching Lindsay and Gus watch Dora the explorer.

"Great, you're already training my son to be a lesbian."

"Brian."

"Sorry Lindz, lack of coffee."

Ben chose that moment to come in from the back deck. "This property is amazing, I love the tennis courts."

Justin smiled, "I'm gonna have to learn to play I guess."

"I used to play in college." Ben said, "Be happy to give you a few pointers."

"Great than you and me and Justin and Mikey can play mixed doubles."

Everyone involved in the statement shot Brian a look.

Justin grabbed the aspirin from the cabinet walked over to him and kissed the top of his head. In a syrupy sweet voice, "Brian, honey, shut the fuck up until the caffeine takes effect, and here, open this goddamned bottle for me." Justin handed him the bottle in frustration.

Brian opened the aspirin and gave Justin a couple. Brian himself swallowed three with his next gulp of coffee and then just sat quietly, realizing that Justin probably had a point about keeping his mouth shut at the moment.

It was easy to do; everyone seemed to be talking at once. Dora was going on and on about some fucking plant, or maybe it was an animal. Emmett and Debbie were discussing the previous nights events, Michael was talking baby talk to JR, and Justin and Ben seemed to be in deep discussion about something or other. He let the sound wash over him, turning to lean his head against the back of the sofa, cradling his coffee as if it were the most precious item on earth.

Justin joined him on the couch a few minutes later, looking no better off than he was.

"Want to get out of here?"

Justin nodded.

"Let's go" Brian mouthed.

They quietly walked towards the garage door, and let themselves out before anyone noticed. Once they were in Brian's car, and out of the driveway they both laughed.

"I'm starving"

"Uggggh food."

Brian drove them to the same diner they'd originally found the very first day Justin was back.

Sitting and staring at each other, coffee cups in hand they both looked up and smiled.

"That was a hell of a party."

"I'm glad you liked it."

"I just wasn't ready for a coffee klatch to be going on this morning."

Justin lifted Brian's wrist to look at his watch, "It's three in the afternoon."

"That's really really early." Brian said.

"Well we'll just get something to eat and then head back. By then, hopefully either things will have calmed down, or we'll be less hung over"

Their food came; Brian ate his eggs and watched Justin tear apart a bagel into little tiny pieces.

Today was not the day to take this on, today was the day to recouperate and enjoy how much effort Justin had put into making last night amazing.

"Last night was hot."

"I do what I can."

"So, how many poppers do we have left?"  
Justin laughed, "Actually it turns out that buying them in bulk has its privileges, quantity discounts are handy."

"Leave it to Emmett to know where to get volume discounts on the really important party supplies."

"Ready to head back?"

"Should we stop and pick up milk?"

Brian just stared at him "to make it look like we had a legitimate reason to leave, like a real errand to run?"  
"No apologies, no regrets, it's our house and we felt like leaving."

He threw some money on the table and pulled Justin close to him as they walked back to the car, both feeling like they might be able to handle company now.

Brian and Justin walked back into the house quietly, but not quietly enough. Michael was the first to confront them "Where the fuck were you?"  
Brian sighed "Out."

Michael followed the two as they headed back towards the den "Well it seems pretty rude to just leave when you have guests."

Brian pulled Michael to him, kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear "You're not a guest, you're family."

Michael relented, and the rest of the group simply shot them disapproving, if slightly amused looks and the conversation started back up, revolving around how big Gus and JR were getting, how Emmett liked still living with Debbie and Carl, and Michael and Ben's plan to take a vacation over Ben's Christmas break.

Brian and Justin might as well have been in their own world, they were both still tired, and Brian was working hard at looking bored while watching Mel and Lindz interact. He sat quietly on the sofa, Justin leaning against him.

Eventually everyone realized that the homeowners were asleep, tangled against each other. They disbursed, Mel and Lindz moving the kids outside. Debbie heading off for the dinner shift at the diner and Michael and Ben heading back to their own home. Emmet oversaw the last of the cleaning crew who were loading the van with the rental linens to return, and then headed over to Ted and Blake's new place. They had finally found a house, within walking distance of Debbie's in fact, and today they were supposed to be picking paint colors.

It was about an hour later that Brian came back to consciousness. He was on his back, Justin practically on top of him, still asleep.

He moved slightly, finding a more comfortable position so that Justin's knee wasn't pushing directly into his thigh.

He listened to the silence for a moment and then a harsh sound interrupted his return to sleep.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" it was Mel, she was yelling, Brian groaned and tried to ignore the noise.

He heard the soft murmur of Lindsay's voice, they were outside, apparently too far away for Brian to hear much of what they were saying, but it was clear that Mel was angry about something. The ebb and flow of the conversation continued in that manner, harsh bursts like gunfire from Melanie, a few discernable words, most of them curses, and then the soft, soothing Lindsay, obviously trying to appease her wife.

Brian closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to hear what they were saying, trying to ignore them, trying to decide if he needed to intervene.

The voices stopped. He heard the slam of a door in the kitchen and the stomp of feet up the stairs. He moved again, trying to dislodge Justin without waking him.

He eventually managed it, and casually walked out of the den onto the patio, lighting a cigarette. He glanced over and saw Lindsay sitting on the wooden bench on the deck, her body shuddering as if she were crying.

He walked up the few steps and sat next to her. Saying nothing he pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. Lindsay didn't say a word, and they stayed like that, in silence except for the occasional sob from Lindsay. Brian fought back the urge to yell, to tell her that the bitch wasn't worth crying about, that nothing Mel said mattered if it was going to make her this upset, but he really didn't know if he could keep from being unforgivably cruel if Lindsay decided to defend her. So he said nothing.

Justin woke up on the sofa, alone. His heart was racing as he looked around and found no one. He shakily lit a cigarette, and mixed himself a gin and tonic. He walked around the house, it was empty, and the cleaning crew Emmett had hired had obviously been first rate. All remnants of the party were gone. The place was perfect. Justin sat wearily at the kitchen table, nursing his drink, breaking the rules about where they were allowed to smoke. Justin was good at agreeing to rules and then breaking them. He eventually swallowed the last of his drink, and locked himself in the studio. He had promised Brian that today he would rest, but his mind kept circling back to the canvas he had left unfinished two days earlier, and he knew he would rest better if he could just see it, just contemplate the next stroke. It was hours later before he emerged from the studio, he hadn't even picked up a brush, he'd simply smoked and stared at the work he'd completed, letting the smell of paint and turpentine, the feel of the textured paint on canvass against his fingers, the look of a large stack of completed work calm him.

He opened the door to the studio to find dangerously calm Brian waiting for him in the den.

"We agreed no working today."

"I wasn't working Brian, I was just looking over a few things and…"

"Bullshit." Brian cut him off. "You're fucking exhausted and you've been running yourself ragged and you can't take a single fucking day to just…"

The sound of yelling interrupted Brian's diatribe.

Neither of them were quiet sure where it was coming from until they realized that the intercom in Gus's room had been left on.

"I can't fucking believe you're even bringing this up!" it was Mel's voice.

"I'm not bringing anything up, I was just saying it was nice to be back home."

"This isn't our home anymore, we have a home, this is Brian's home."

"I didn't mean this house, I meant Pittsburgh."  
"Yeah, well we don't fucking live in Pittsburgh anymore, or can't you even fucking remember that much?"  
Justin shot a glance at Brian, wondering if they should turn off the intercom, this argument seemed none of their business. He moved to hit the button when Brian made a gesture to stop him. Justin shrugged and they continued to listen.

"Mel, you're not being rational, I never said I wanted to move back here, or that I don't know where we live."

"You don't have to say anything, I could tell from the moment we got here that you think we made a mistake moving away."

"I never said that."

"I just fucking said that you didn't have to, Christ, you're getting more stupid every day we stay here."

"Melanie, would you just calm down, you're going to wake Gus."

"Well, I think we should wake Gus, and JR too, and get the fuck out of here. Every goddamn place I turn there's another thing Brian's done to lure you away from me."

"Melanie you're being ridiculous, Brian just made a space in his life for his son, what's wrong with that?"  
"God, you can't even see it can you? He made a space for his son, and JR, who's not even his, why would he do that, huh? Maybe it's because his plan is to keep you and the kids here, he's always wanted you away from me."

"Mel, honey, Brian has done a lot to keep us together, you're not being fair to him."

That's when Brian heard it. A sound he knew well enough from his own youth. That's when Brian decided it was time to stop pretending nothing was wrong.

Justin watched Brian as he listed to the conversation, watched Brian get angrier, watch his expression get more bland, as his eyes darkened, and a small twitch in his jaw that gave away everything about what he was feeling. And then he saw Brian physically flinch at the sound, and suddenly Brian was moving quickly, Justin followed him.

Brian strode into Gus's room and before Melanie was aware of him, and before Lindsay could protest, he had the petite-framed brunette jacked up against the wall, his arm pushed against her shoulders, holding her there motionless.

He gritted his teeth. Justin, take Gus downstairs, and turn off the goddamned intercom." Justin silently followed Brian's orders.

Lindsay was crying, holding a hand to her face, but she reached to Brian.

"Don't, you're misunderstanding."

"Lindsay, shut the fuck up. Don't defend this cunt."

"Brian" Melanie was trying to pry his arm off of her, but he had her immobilized.

"Don't fucking talk to me."

Lindsay reached for Brian's free arm, trying to reason with him.

Brian backed away from Mel. She put her hand to the spot where Brian's arm had been.

"Pack your shit and get out."

"It's what we were planning on doing anyway asshole"

"Brian." Lindsay tried again.

"Don't even try to reason with him Lindz lets just go."

Melanie strode out of the room, and Lindsay turned to follow her. Brian saw the fresh red handprint on her cheek. He wrapped his hand around Lindsay's wrist and pulled her back, "You can follow her if you want, but Gus and JR stay here."

"Brian that's not fair."

"Fair's bullshit, this is your choice Lindsay, but those kids stay here, I'm pretty sure Mikey will back me on this one."

Lindsay stood, rooted to the ground, unable to make a choice. Melanie, realizing Lindsay was not behind her stepped back into the doorway of Gus's room. "I always knew when push came to shove, you'd end up choosing Brian over me."

Lindsay opened her mouth to say something but before she could get any words out Melanie launched at her, all the fury she'd been restraining for so long suddenly unleashed.

Lindsay was on the ground, Melanie on top of her. She only had the chance to land a single glancing blow before Brian physically pulled her back, lifting her completely off of Lindsay and positioning himself between the two women.

Lindsay stood up, scared, shaken, her voice wavering. "Melanie, I think it's best if you leave."

"JR and I will be out of here in 20 minutes."

Brian opened his mouth to protest but Lindsay beat him to it.

"The kids and I are going to stay with Brian for a little while, maybe you should just go back home, and we can talk on the phone."

"You can't keep my kid."

"No but they're still American citizens, you can't take them out of the country without the custodial parent's consent. You want to take this to the courts Mel?"  
Melanie looked at Brian, surprised, he was right and she knew it, and he knew she knew it.

"I'm not fucking leaving without them."

"Well you're not staying here." Brian said.

"I'll call you a cab, you can go anywhere you want."

Justin came back upstairs in time to witness the standoff. Melanie refused to drop her gaze, and Brian didn't look like he was planning on moving a muscle. It was Mel who gave in first. "I'll be at my cousins."

"Justin, call Mel a cab."

Justin was startled, he didn't even know Brian was aware he had come back upstairs, but he responded quickly and went down to the den to find the number and make the call.

Gus was happily watching his tape again and talking to Sam. "Yeah, the monster was really mean but you did good pretending to be asleep." Justin was shaking when he made the phone call and was still feeling shaky a half hour later when Melanie loaded a suitcase into the cab and left.

Brian and Lindsay were upstairs, sitting on Gus's bed, neither of them had spoken a word since Mel had left the room and gone to pack. Brian knew he would eventually find out what he needed to know, but in the meantime, he gave Lindsay a small respite from the drama and when her breathing was even and her eyes closed, he eased her back onto Gus's bed, pulled the blanket over her and left her to sleep.

He walked into the den, saying nothing, poured himself a triple and downed it in two swallows.

Justin sat down next to him. "Everything okay?"

Brian didn't even move his head, just glanced over at Justin.

"You're right, stupid question. Can I help?"  
Brian, still silent, shook his head, and then seemed to reconsider and held out his empty glass to Justin. Justin refilled it and sat back down, their legs touching, silently they both watched Dora explore something.

Hours later a very very drunk Brian, pretty much passed out on the sofa. Gus had fallen asleep in front of the TV. Justin picked up the boy, and carried him up to bed. Lindsay was still asleep in Gus's room. He changed Gus into a pair of pajamas and laid the groggy boy next to his mother. Gus snuggled his back against his mom's chest and Lindsay threw an arm over the boy instinctively pulling him a little closer. Justin saw the bruise on her arm, took a ragged breath and went back downstairs.

He watched Brian sleep; debating his options, and decided just to cover him up. A glance at the clock told him it was after midnight. Recalling the argument they had been having before all of this started, Justin discarded the idea of going back to the studio. He went upstairs, and climbed into bed where he tossed fitfully for the rest of the night.

Justin was the first in the house to wake up the next morning. This was probably because Justin was in the only room that JR's intercom was connected at the moment. He'd spent the previous day taking care of JR and keeping her occupied. He was now bleary eyed, it was only five am.

He changed her, and brought her downstairs, he had no idea what to feed her, so he poured her a sippy cup full of juice and looked in the fridge for anything that looked kid friendly. He ended up cutting up an apple and found a few slices of cheese. He had to assume Mel and Lindz had brought these, neither Brian nor Justin ate American cheese. It probably wasn't an ideal breakfast but Justin didn't think it would hurt her. He started the coffee and sat next to her high chair, watching her picking up pieces of apple, and offer them to him. He finally took one from her and chewed on it.

"He eats." it was Brian

"Shit, you scared me, how long have you been standing there?"

Brian shrugged and stepped out of the doorway, couple minutes. You're good with her." He walked up the steps from the den, "coffee smells good."

"It should be done."

"Want some?"  
"Yes please."  
"I take it she woke you up?" Brian motioned his head towards JR

"I was gonna get up anyway."

Brian shrugged, handing Justin a cup of coffee and sliding his leg behind Justin's back so that they were both sitting in the same chair. Justin leaned against Brian's chest. "I missed you last night"

"Yeah I guess I kind of…"

"Passed out?"

"That's one way of putting it."

"So what now?" Justin asked, taking a sip of his coffee and reveling in the warmth of both the strong brew and Brian's chest.

Brian lifted his head to take a sip of his own and shrugged. "No clue. I'd like her to stay here for a while."

They both sat in silence, sipping their coffee and watching JR.

"I'm not sharing my studio with her."

Brian laughed, "Never occurred to me that you would."

"Maybe we should get the carriage house done next, and fast. So she can have her own space."

"Maybe you should let her make her own decisions about what's next." A voice interrupted their conversation; it was Lindsay, holding Gus's hand.

She poured Gus a bowl of cereal, and poured herself a cup of coffee, adding milk and sugar.

She sat down across from the two of them. "I'm an adult, I'll figure this out, and I just need to talk to Mel."

Justin felt Brian's entire body stiffen at the sound of her name. He put a hand on Brian's knee, he didn't have to look up to know the mans eyes were dark with anger.

Justin tried to cut Brian off before he started. "Maybe you should wait a few days before you…"

"Maybe you just shouldn't talk to her." Brian interrupted.

"I'm not talking about this right now." Lindsay said. Brian, I appreciate your help but I can't put you in the middle. I'll take care of it.

Brian shrugged. "Okay." He wasn't going to subject Gus or JR to any more screaming or yelling right now.

The rest of the day was spent pretending. Pretending everything was fine, pretending no one was angry, pretending he was just going to let Lindsay go back to Mel.

Justin spent the entire day in the studio, pretending that he didn't care what had happened between Mel and Lindz, pretending he wasn't shaken by how used to it Gus was, pretending he was fine.

They all practiced pretending until Michael stormed in without knocking.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Brian was lounging on the floor watching Gus play with his trucks. He didn't even look up. "Hi mikey, nice to see you."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Melanie just left the store, she was ranting about legal action and getting a restraining order to keep you and me away from the kids. Brian what the fuck did you do now?"  
Brian remained calm. "I guess I pissed Mel off. I do that sometimes." He'd eventually have to tell Michael what was going on, but not in front of Gus, not while Lindsay was still not admitting to it, not right now.

Brian backed Michael out of the room and into the foyer, so they could have this conversation outside of Gus's hearing.

"Fuck you Brian, she's my daughter, and you just don't give a fuck what the consequences are when you do shit like this. You know what, you're a…"

Lindsay had heard him come in; she'd been trying to lose herself in a book, curled up in a chair by the window in the great room. She interrupted Michael now.

"It wasn't Brian Michael, it was me."

Michael was too upset to even notice that Lindsay's eyes were red and puffy from crying.

"Well whatever you did, fix it." Brian took a deep breath and fought the impulse to punch Michael in the jaw, eight years and counting 'til his decade was up and he could deck the guy again.

Michael was frowning; his forehead wrinkled in confusion, Brian was trying to keep his voice down.

"Mel and Lindsay had a fight. Mel is angry because Lindsay chose to stay here."

Michael looked over at Lindsay "you guys always fight, just go make up with her, she's really upset."

Lindsay looked like she was going to cry again and Brian pinched the bridge of his nose trying his hardest to accept that his best friend was sometimes very very stupid. "It wasn't that kind of a fight."

"What do you mean not that kind of a…" Michael suddenly seemed to have been handed a clue, he noticed the darkening bruise on Lindsay's cheekbone, just below her eye. "Did she hit you?"  
Brian inhaled deeply. "Gus is in the other room Mikey, you want to shut the fuck up?"  
Lindsay backed away a little from the question. "She got angry, she's been having a really hard time lately and…"

"She's been beating Lindsay." Brian said.

"Brian, that's not true."

Brian looked at Lindsay, "you gonna blame _this_ on Gus too?"

Lindsay looked at the floor, knowing that blaming her own son was wrong but she was sure, or at least had been that she could work things out with Melanie on her own. She knew if Brian got involved it would just get messier. But Mel had ruined her plans to keep Brian out of it. Melanie had dragged Brian, and now Michael into their personal business.

Michael took in all of what had just been said and sat down on the steps. "Lindsay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"It's okay Michael." Lindsay cut him off, I just need a little time to figure out what we're going to do."

"So JR and Gus are here with you now?"  
"Yes."

"Well, I can take JR back to my place."

Lindsay kissed him "That's very sweet, but she's asleep right now, why don't you come by tomorrow and you and Ben can take her for a couple of days."

Michael nodded, and kissed Lindsay on the cheek. " Take care of yourself okay?"

Lindsay smiled and Michael left. Somewhat appeased. Lindsay walked unsteadily back to the chair she'd been sitting in for most of the day and stared out the window at nothing. Brian stood behind her.

"You shouldn't have told Michael that."

"It's the truth, he deserves to know the truth about the mother of his kid."  
"It's not, Brian, it's not the whole truth."

"Melanie has been beating you. What part of that isn't the truth?"  
"The part where you make it sound like she's just this evil asshole and I'm this poor victim."

"You let her turn you into one."

Lindsay inhaled sharply "Fuck you Brian you don't know anything about this."

Brian snorted. "Right, I don't know anything about parents who get really mad and hit people, cause I grew up in such a lovely world. Jack taught me a thing or two before he gave up on me. You know that Lindz."

"Brian it's nothing like that, she'd never hurt Gus or JR."

"So the monster that Gus and Sam run from, the loud one who they hide from, that's not Mel?"

"She would never hurt them."

"She hurts you."

"I can take it."

"You shouldn't have to. Never let anyone hit you Lindz. Why the fuck would you put up with it?"  
"Because we've been through so much together, because this is just a phase, because I…"

"You what? you deserved it? Why, because you cheated on her? Because you agreed to move? Because you got a job before she did? Because you have friends who love you and whom you love? Which one of those makes you worthy of becoming a punching bag?"  
"You know, I'm not at all sure I like the way you're characterizing this."  
"You know I'm not at all sure I give a flying fuck how you feel about the words I use."

Brian was still standing behind her, he moved, to make eye contact. He reached his hand out slowly and ran his thumb over the bruise under her eye. She flinched as he touched it. "How long Lindz? How long has she been beating you?"

The tears were flowing freely down Lindsay's face, she almost couldn't talk. "Since before we left Pittsburgh."

Brian pulled her to him, letting her cry again. Angry with himself that he hadn't seen it sooner, that he'd let them leave, that he'd missed it.

He wasn't crying. It must be allergies.

Chapter 17

Brian had insisted that Lindsay to go to see a doctor. Lindsay came out of his office with a couple of prescriptions to fill. One was for pain, one was for Xanex.

Lindsay took a Xanex and a Vicodin as soon as Gus was tucked in for the night and less than an hour later she was out cold in the guest room. Her room.

It was early when Brian climbed into bed himself, it had been an exhausting couple of days and he actually had a meeting he couldn't miss tomorrow with the Rapkins people. He was surprised when Justin joined him in bed at a little after midnight. Justin had been in the studio and he hadn't expected to feel him creep in 'til after three, if at all.

Justin was quiet, rare for him when they were both in bed awake and not fucking. He was obviously deep in thought. Although Brian was lying on his back, Justin stayed completely on his side of the bed, making no move to curl up against Brian, or even make physical contact.

Brian reached for the blonde's hand. Their fingers intertwined and they both lay there in silence. Brian spoke first.

"Justin?"

"Mmmmmm?"  
"You okay over there?"

"Just thinking?"  
"Care to share?"

"Mel and Lindz."

"Pretty fucked up huh?"  
"They've had their issues before but…"

"Yeah, I was kind of surprised too."

"But you knew."  
"Suspected."

"They love each other."

"Loved."

"Lindsay still loves Mel."

Brian sighed, "She has to stop."

"Can you just make yourself stop loving someone?"  
"It's not easy."

"Could you stop loving me?"  
"Tried once, didn't take."  
"But they've been together so long."

"So they should stay, even if one of them is getting hurt?"  
"It could be us."

"We're not lesbians."

"That's not what I mean."

"It couldn't be us."  
Justin turned to his side to look at Brian, and Brian turned so that their faces were close together. "Because I wouldn't let it."

"Well, no, I don't see you putting up with me hitting you."

"Not what I meant."

"Brian, you know I wouldn't leave you if you lost your temper."

Brian sat up, angry now. "Yes you would."  
Justin sat up as well, draping himself over Brian's back, resting his head on Brian's shoulder. "I wouldn't give you up, not over a fight."

Brian's jaw clenched again. "You'd better, if I touch you, you're gone, understand?"  
"Brian, couples argue."

"You don't fucking hit people you love."

"You hit Mikey."

"That's different, Mikey was being a twat."  
"You tell me I'm a twat all the time."

"And yet I've never hit you."

Brian shrugged the boy off his shoulders and turned so he could look in his eyes. "You don't let people hurt you. That's an order. That means even me, hell, especially me."

"But when couples fight, it happens sometimes."

"Your parents fought Justin. Your father is an utter shit, did he ever hit your mother?"  
"No, but he slapped me, when I came out to him."

"Yeah, and what did I tell you to do?"  
"You told me to leave."

"Someone hits you, you leave."

Justin was playing with the duvet, suddenly staring at it as if it were fascinating.

Brian put a hand under his chin and lifted it, seeing tears in Justin's eyes. "It's okay, I'm not going to hit you." Brian grinned lasciviously, licking his lips, unless you deserve a spanking."

Justin smiled "I guess you have to be really strong to love someone."

"Gotta be stronger to leave them."

"Brian?"

"Mmmmmm?"  
"Do you promise you'll spank me again?"

"As long as you promise you will leave anyone who's hurting you."

"I promise."

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, mapping his mouth with his tongue, pulling him closer. Justin returned the kiss, and Brian's hands were strong but soft as they pushed Justin back down onto the mattress.

Eventually they fell asleep, Justin curled up against Brian, head on his shoulder and Brian rubbing his hand softly over the curve of Justin's ass. They both slept for hours, and it was Brian's alarm, not JR that woke them in the morning.

As Brian was leaving for work he pulled Justin into the garage. "Do me a favor."

"You want me to blow you right here?"  
Brian smiled, "yes, but I don't have time. Don't bury yourself in the studio today, come out every once in a while to check on Lindsay."  
"Sure."

Brian kissed him again. "Later."

"Later."

Lindsay was feeding JR, and had her diaper bag packed. Michael was expected at any moment to pick up the little girl. Gus was finished his cereal and bombarding Lindsay with questions about what they might do today.

"Lindz, I'm gonna go get some work done in the studio you gonna be okay?"  
"Justin I'm fine, Brian is blowing all of this out of proportion."

Justin opened his mouth to say something, and the closed it again, he had no idea what to say.

"Just knock on the door if you need me."

Lindsay nodded.

Justin lost himself in his work. He was doing a small painting that was mostly texture. He worked with a concentration that calmed him.

After Michael came and took JR Lindsay felt lost. She felt empty, and each time she sat she started to reflect on the past couple of days, and that wasn't helping. She startled when her cell phone rang, and laughed at herself afterwards.

It was Melanie. Full of apologies, sweet words and promises. Full of new resolutions and old excuses. Full of love. Lindsay and Mel talked for a while and Lindsay felt much better after their conversation. Gus seemed happier too after talking to momma on the phone. At around two she knocked on the studio door.

Justin emerged, covered in paint, and rubbing his hand. Lindsay tried to peek inside but Justin took a step out and pulled the door shut behind him.

"Gus and I were going to have some lunch, want to join us?"  
"I'd love to but I'm in the middle of something, and…"

Lindsay smiled "I understand. She kissed his cheek, "go back to work."

Justin backed himself into the studio, ensuring Lindsay couldn't glimpse the work inside, and got back to the painting.

Eventually he came to a reasonable stopping point and finished his bottle of water and just stood staring at the painting

Mel and Lindsay spent most of the day on the phone, talking, and it was as if the past few days hadn't happened.

Brian returned to find everything pretty much as he'd expected. Mel and Gus were playing on the floor. The studio door was shut but the faint sound of some crap Brian would never listen to was audible.

Gus looked up at him and smiled. "Hi daddy."  
"Hi sonny-boy"

"We're playing castle, want to play?"  
"In a couple of minutes, I've gotta go change okay"

"K."

Brian was back in ten, jeans and a white t-shirt, much safer option than a $2000.00 suit around his five-year-old son.

They played for a while in relative silence; Gus was describing all the rooms in the castle in detail.

"Did Justin give you a hand today?"  
"He's been working."

Brian nodded, figuring as much. It was then that Lindsay's phone rang. She glanced at it, and put it back down without answering.

Brian raised an eyebrow

"Probably just Mel with another apology."

"Another, you've been talking to her today?"  
"Momma's real sorry daddy, she doesn't mean to yell." Gus said

Brian stood up, taking the phone from Lindsay.

Lindsay followed him "Brian…"

"You're what, gonna make this okay, work things out, what Lindz?"

Lindsay fell silent.

Brian handed her back the phone. It was still ringing. "Answer it, your wife is calling."

Lindsay put the phone on the kitchen counter, "Brian."

He walked away, "I meant what I said Lindz, you can have her, but the kids stay here."

Lindsay took a deep shaky breath and went outside for some fresh air. Gus joined her and the two of them walked the grounds together, Gus with the enthusiasm of a five year old discovering everything for the first time, Lindsay smiling at Gus and doing her best not to cry.

Justin finally emerged around eight from the studio, he was out of water, and he padded down he basement steps for another case, and brought it back to the studio.

Brian stopped him just as he got to the studio door. "You eaten anything today?"  
"Yeah, lunch with Lindsay and Gus." He was counting on Lindsay being too involved in her own issues to be reporting back to Brian.

Brian nodded, knowing he was lying. "Join me for dinner."

"Late lunch, not hungry."

Brian nodded and left it at that. But he no longer doubted his instincts. Something was wrong with Justin.

Justin closed and locked the studio door, his heart racing. He had no idea when he had become so scared of Brian. Actually that wasn't true, he felt safe around Brian, he was scared of Brian finding out how messed up he was. He and Brian had worked so hard, for so long at fucking things up, and now they finally had it right. If he screwed it up again, he wouldn't be able to make it, he knew that. And Brian deserved everything to be perfect. Justin wanted to be perfect for him.

Justin once again made a pact with himself that he would spend more energy making Brian happy, and if that meant cutting back on studio time, he would find a way to do it. Or at least cutting back on studio time that interfered with the time he could spend making Brian happy.

Gus was tucked into bed, and Lindsay was laying on her bed staring at the ceiling. Brian, doing an amazing impersonation of his son, launched himself onto the four-poster, landing on his back, next to Lindsay. He cocked his head to the left, and then to the right, and finally said, "Christ, I think I may have let Justin go a little overboard on the rococo elegance, this ceiling is kind of…"

"Dizzying?"  
Brian smiled, "yeah."

"Well, I kind of like it, but then, I've always liked things a little less simple than you have."

"Sometimes simple is the easiest way to go." Brian pulled a joint out of his pocket, lit it, and took a drag, handing it to Lindsay who did the same.

"You can't always just choose for things to be simple."  
"Sometimes you can, like this ceiling, I could have all of this stamped tin and crown molding pulled down in a day, leaving a smooth clean surface to start again."

"But there would be marks, from where everything was attached and connected."

"Spackle." He said it slowly, taking another long toke.

"Brian, you can't just spackle over something and make it look perfect again."

"Yeah, but you can't just beat the shit out of something and expect it to still be okay. If I were to start throwing hammers at it, we'd eventually have to get rid of it."

"Can we stop talking about the fucking ceiling?"  
"We were talking about the ceiling?"  
Lindz was just stoned enough to laugh a little at this. "How can I just walk away?"  
He pushed her sleeve up her arm, revealing the fading bruises, "how can you not?"

"She's my wife."

"She beats you." Lindsay flinched at the words.

"What the fuck am I gonna do?"  
"Stay here" Brian shrugged, "get a job, stay with me, get your own place, whatever you want, you know I'll help."

"I'm an adult, I don't need your help."

"Sure you do, everyone needs my help, and it's the bane of my existence." Brian threw his hand to his forehead in a "woe is me" gesture. The he looked at the joint that he and Lindz had almost finished "wow, this shit _is_ good."

Lindsay laughed again. If I stay with you, do you promise you'll be nice?

"No."

"If I stay here, do you promise to be good?"

"No."

"If I stay here with you do you promise I won't get hurt anymore?" she was crying now.

"Yes."

He pulled Lindsay close to him, for a minute and then jumped up out of bed, grabbing her arm. "C'mon, lets you me and Justin, do something about dinner, I'm hungry."

Lindsay giggled as Brian pulled her downstairs and they started to raid the kitchen.

Lindsay was reheating some leftover hors devours from the party while Brian knocked incessantly on the studio door.

Justin finally emerged, paint smeared on his hand, and a dot of it by his left eye. "What?"  
"Eat dinner with us."

"You're stoned."

Brian handed him a joint, "Join us."

Justin remembered his earlier promise to himself and put his brush in the sink, took the proffered joint and joined them around the kitchen table where Lindsay was setting out a vast array of puffed pastry. "I have no idea what any of them are." She shrugged. "But the round ones are really good."

Brian and Justin looked at the appetizers carefully, "Lindz, they're all kind of round."

Lindsay shrugged, and popped another one into her mouth.

Brian took one and offered it to Justin. Justin turned his head away. "C'mon, eat it, we're celebrating."  
"What are we celebrating?"  
"Our new roommate, Justin, meet Lindsay, Lindsay, meet Justin."

They shook hands formally, and then both started to giggle. Brian took the joint from Justin's and took another hit.

"This shit really is good." Lindsay said, as she took the joint from Brian and inhaled deeply.

"Justin, eat something." Lindsay said, you haven't eaten all day.

Brian looked at Justin, "thought you guys had a late lunch together."

"Oh he was too busy working to have lunch." Lindsay said.

Brian raised his eyebrows and said nothing. Justin stared at the table. "Well then, he must be starving, and Brian held a canapé of some sort in front of Justin's mouth, Justin opened his mouth and took the hors devours and Brian's fingers into his mouth.

"Shit, it actually did taste good," he thought to himself. And then picked up another one, watching Brian smile, he'd eat if it would make Brian happy.

It was a little later; they were all sitting around the table, happily watching the ceiling spin, drinking ice-cold vodka.

"I'll call the contractor tomorrow and get the carriage house started, that way you and Gus and JR can have your own space."

"Yeah, I really should get out of your hair."

"Pfft" Justin snorted, you're not in our hair, Brian's just afraid that if you feel smothered you'll leave, and then he can't protect you."

Brian was severely wasted at this point, his words a little slurred, as he lifted his head "I'm not trying to protect anyone, you can all do whatever you want."

They both looked at him, and he smiled "as long as I don't think it's pathetic."  
"See, he likes to play big protector man."

"He's always been my hero." Lindsay said.

Justin shrugged, "Mine too. Didn't say I minded."

Brian stretched his long frame out leaning his head even further back in the kitchen chair, he could sit and listen to people sing his praises all night so long as they never knew he actually enjoyed it. He tried to scowl, but it came out more like a half smile, and finally he gave up on trying to make the right facial expression and just took another drink.

"The carriage house has great light though" this was Justin, "so if you wanted to paint again, you could set up space in there, and there's the upper loft and the two downstairs rooms plus the main space, so seriously, you and Gus and JR could do worse."

"You just don't want to share your studio space" Brian said.

Lindsay laughed, "like I'd ask him to, I'm beginning to think he's sacrificing goats in there the way he keeps it all locked up."

Brian raised an eyebrow…are you sacrificing goats in there Justin? Cause if you are the cleaning bill is going to be a bitch." Justin laughed,

"Not sacrificing anything in there, no goats, no virgins, no small animals."

"No virgins, well that's disappointing."

"Brian!" Justin and Lindz said in unison.

"Well, I thought it would be cool to know there were still virgins in Pittsburgh."

"I think you cured them all." Justin said.

"Cured you."

Justin blushed, and Brian laughed as he raised his head and looked at him.

"So I'll call the contractor tomorrow Lindz."

"Okay, but what are we gonna do about Mel?"  
"We'll get a restraining order if we have to, I did some research."

"You did?"  
"Yeah, that's how I knew she couldn't take the kids."  
"So you planned this?"  
"Nope, just prepared for it."  
"My hero."

Lindsay kissed him on the cheek and he smiled lazily, eyes still closed, body still stretched out in the chair.

Justin, feeling inspired, kissed Brian as well, and after almost a full minute of exploring his mouth, Justin stood up, Brian, his eyes still closed said "that better have been Justin."

They all laughed.

"I'm going back to the studio for a little bit."  
"One"

"Three"

"One fifteen"

"Two thirty"

"One thirty seven"

"One forty two"

"Don't be late."

Brian's eyes were still closed, and Justin had a feeling that Brian wouldn't notice what time he got into bed, but he had made a promise.

"I won't be."

Chapter 18

The next couple of weeks were rough on them all. It was early September and Gus was in Nursery school. Brian was willing to pay for a nanny for the kids, to give Lindz a break, but she refused. She spent her days taking care of JR until Gus got home, and then taking care of them both. Lindsay was recovering, slowly. It wasn't just the bruises, those heal. She missed Melanie, and she knew she shouldn't. It was almost impossible to talk to Brian about it. For Brian this was very black and white. Melanie was simply not worth missing. Justin was more understanding.

Lindsay and Justin had become closer. He was actually quite sweet and seemed to understand more than Brian did how you could miss and love someone who you knew you shouldn't but then Justin had been there, and was willing to admit it. Brian would never hurt Justin, not physically, but Justin had been told a thousand times he shouldn't put up with Brian, and yet, here they were, together, and seemingly stronger than ever.

Justin and Lindsay shared something else, an inability to sleep.

Brian and Justin still had their debates over what time he'd finish working for the night, but lately, as Justin left the studio at the specified time, he'd find Lindsay sitting in the den, mindlessly watching an old movie, or sometimes staring at a book pretending to read. Justin had taken to sitting with her sometimes.

They'd talk, and then they'd just sit, and she seemed to draw some strength, or comfort from the man's presence, from his quiet understanding. Justin marveled at how similar Brian and Lindsay were sometimes. They both felt that it was their job to be strong and fix the problem. Both of them sat in silence and brooded well.

At first, when Justin hadn't come up to bed at the agreed upon time Brian came down to retrieve his obsessive artist. He'd seen him sitting, listening to Lindsay as they talked in hushed tones. He just went back upstairs. The next night they were sitting silently, watching an old movie on TV. After a half a dozen encounters like this Brian still insisted Justin stop working, still haggled the times, but said nothing if he didn't make it up to bed 'til much later. He was helping. Lindsay was getting stronger. Together, Justin and Lindsay directed the contractors, and the carriage house was transformed into livable space. Two bedrooms on the first floor, a large open living space with loft space for Lindsay's bed and even enough room for an easel.

And through all of this, as colors were picked and plumbing repaired on the carriage house, Justin was looking worse and worse.

Brian had tried to confront him about it a few times, and Justin promised that in three weeks, when the first set of canvases were wrapped packed, loaded, shipped and received, he would slow down.

In the meantime Brian watched the dark circles under his eyes get darker and larger. His beautiful body, always lean and pale was now dangerously thin and far too pale. He ate, Brian saw that he genuinely tried to eat, but he often forgot to if no one reminded him, and he didn't sleep. He woke up often, sitting bolt upright in bed, his face contorted with fear. Brian would put his hand flat on his back, feeling his breathing and his heart rate, both dangerously high. He would rub small comforting circles on his back, trying not to focus on how very pronounced his vertebrae were. He'd make soft soothing sounds, and whisper sweet useless phrases. "It'll be okay, Shhhh, I'm right here."

More often than not, Justin would after a few minutes, lay back down, and Brian would pull him close, feeling his heart rate return to normal, and then his breathing would slow and become even. Once that happened, Brian could return to sleep as well, and most nights Justin didn't even remember that anything had happened. But as a result, Justin's few hours of sleep were never truly recuperative and he was subsisting on caffeine and cigarettes.

Tonight, Lindsay had been too tired to stay up; she'd taken a Xanex and curled up next to Gus in his bed. Justin crawled into bed at 2:51.

"Here."

Brian handed Justin a bottle of water and a small peach colored pill.

"What's this?"  
"Xanex, you need to sleep."

Justin put the pill and the water on his nightstand and snuggled his body under the covers, resting his head on his pillow. "I'm going to sleep, right now."  
"But you need to actually sleep, through the entire night, for more than four hours."

Justin wrinkled his nose. "I don't need a sleeping pill, I've been sleeping fine."

"No you haven't."  
Justin opened his eyes at Brian's harsh tone. "Have I been tossing around, and keeping you up? I'm sorry, you should have said something. I can sleep downstairs if you want, or…"

Brian rolled his eyes. "You wake up every night in terror."

"No I don't"

"Oh, I guess I've been imagining it."

"Brian, I know when I wake up from a nightmare, I haven't had one in weeks, I've been too tired every night to even dream."  
"These aren't nightmares, they're more like night terrors, and you don't wake up, at least not fully."

"Brian, what the fuck are you talking about?"  
"You, and your little panic attacks in the middle of the night."

"Brian I haven't had one in weeks."

"You've had one every night FOR weeks."  
"God, I'm sorry."  
"Why are you apologizing, I'm just saying, take some thing for the fucking anxiety."  
"If I take that I won't wake up 'til noon."  
"And what would happen if just tomorrow you slept 'til noon."  
"I wouldn't have enough time to meet with Gregory about final touches on the carriage house, and I wouldn't get a chance to stretch the canvas for my next project and even if I did all that, I'd have no time to get to the art supply store and I'm out of a few things that I desperately need."

"Give me a list, I'll go to the store."

"I need to go."  
"Can't we hire someone to stretch the canvases for you?"  
"It's important that I do it myself I want everything for this show to be…"  
"Perfect?"  
"Yes, is it so wrong that I want my first art show in New York to be perfect?"  
"It's wrong if it's going to make you sick."  
"I'm not sick."

Brian shrugged, "If you say so."

"If you want me to sleep downstairs I will."

"I want you to sleep here, in our bed, but I want you to _sleep_."

"You know I'd be asleep already but my…Brian won't shut the fuck up."

Brian laughed a little. Fine, but no working 'til eleven tomorrow, so there's no point in even getting out of bed 'til 10:30."

"Tomorrow's Thursday and you have to go to work, you can't keep me out of my studio while you're at work."  
"Tomorrows Saturday."

"Really?"  
"Really."

"Hmmm, the days are running together. I really do need to sleep. G'night" he kissed Brian on the nose and closed his eyes.

Brian watched him fall asleep, he really did practically pass out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

A week later the day had finally arrived. It was moving day, for both Justin and Lindz.

The carriage house was finally livable and Justin had completed 39 pieces for the show, enough to ship to Ranston's Gallery. He knew he should follow them. He owed the gallery owner two more appearances and Ranston had been calling him almost every day trying to pin down a date, but Justin had been putting him off. He finally agreed to go three days after the paintings were to arrive. It would give him a chance to make sure everything had reached it's destination undamaged and give him a chance to come up for air, he'd been spending so much time in the studio, and the rest of his time trying to comfort Lindsay and make Brian happy, that he felt he was failing at all of it.

Brian helped to settle Lindsay, Gus and JR in to their new home.

In truth, it was a safer place for JR, as no matter how toddler friendly they tried to keep the place, they just weren't very good at it. Sure all the outlets were covered, and the lower level kitchen cabinets baby proofed, which pissed Brian off every time he forgot, (every time he tried to open one of them), but last week they had found her chewing on a wine bottle cork, no one was sure where she had found it. Three days ago she'd graciously handed Brian an item that upon closer inspection was a beer bottle cap. Yesterday she almost pulled the runner, and the rock garden/candle display centerpiece onto her head, while sitting in the great room. The house just wasn't built for a baby.

The Carriage house had been professionally baby proofed. It had been redesigned to suit Lindsay's needs, and tastes. It was not what Brian would have chosen. A bit too many earthy crunchy prints, both in fabric choices and color schemes, but Lindsay seemed happy with it.

Justin was like a parent giving away his children as the men loaded the artwork into the truck. Each one was carefully wrapped, with protective pieces on the corners and wrapped in bubble wrap, and then secured into the truck, it did Justin no good to see their obvious professionalism, and their painstaking precautions, he was still pacing back and forth, biting his nails to the quick, and cracking the knuckles on his right hand systematically with the same emotional intensity of a truly repentant soul doing a rosary.

When the truck left, he cried.

Brian wanted to comfort him, but he had no idea what to say, and only slightly understood why he was crying.

Maybe once he saw the pieces, safely ensconced in New York, he'd be okay.

Two days later they were both packing.

"You don't have to come with me."

Brian continued packing.

Justin was cracking the knuckles on his right hand, a sound that made Brian grit his teeth but he was pretty sure Justin wasn't aware that he even did it.

"Brian, Lindsay probably isn't ready to be left alone, and…"

Brian's expression made him stop.

"We're going to New York, plane's leaving in two hours."  
Brian flashed on their last few outings to the city. The fear in Justin's eyes, the hot night at the club, the absolute terror in his expression when he thought Brian had left. There was no way Brian was letting him go alone.

Justin sat on the bed and just watched Brian pack. "It's only one night, and you're going to be bored."

"Well maybe you can think of something to do to entertain me."

Justin tried to smile but he was dreading an entire day and night in a hotel room with Brian. And then he felt so guilty for feeling that way. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.

Brian glanced over at Justin, sitting dejectedly on the bed. He was packing for the both of them. He wanted to comfort him, but he no longer knew how, and he was angry. Angry that Justin wasn't taking care of himself; angry that he didn't know how to make him do so.

They both hugged Lindsay goodbye, and promised to call, and they were off. Justin got drunk than Brian on the flight, a switch for them, and passed out almost as soon as they entered the hotel suite.

He came to a few hours later, breathing fast and shallow.

Brian was sitting at the table and smoking.

"You okay?"  
Brian had tried, countless times to comfort Justin and nothing he did seemed to work, he decided to try a different, less hands on approach.

"What? yeah, fine, just gonna take a shower and…" Justin glanced at the clock, it was only 7 in the evening "Get to the gallery, make sure they didn't hang anything upside down."

Brian nodded. Saying nothing.

Justin was relieved. As much as he felt better, safer, loved when Brian soothed him, he also felt guilty and stupid and pathetic for needing anyone to do so, and even worse for asking Brian to. Brian was good at a lot of things, tenderness wasn't one of them and Justin didn't like the feeling of forcing Brian into a role that made him unhappy.

He showered, letting the ice cold water hit his skin. It hurt, but it also made him take deep breaths, and somehow calmed him more than a relaxing hot shower would. His teeth were chattering and his lips were blue when he finally emerged.

He pulled on a robe and started to riffle through the suitcase trying to find something suitable to wear for the meeting.

Brian stood behind him, pulling him backwards, leaning Justin against his broad chest. His hand was about to move down Justin's naked body when he stopped.

"Jesus Christ Justin, you're freezing."

Justin leaned against him. "Shower water was cold."  
Brian turned him around and looked into his blue eyes, and then took in the fact that his lips were a similar shade and his teeth were chattering.

"What the fuck, are you okay?"

Justin smiled, "I told you the shower was cold."  
"Cold showers, you don't think we have time to get rid of your sexual frustration the old fashioned way?"  
Brian leaned in to kiss him, but his need to taste Justin, to feel Justin relax his body against him was actually secondary at this moment to his utter desire to see Justin's lips a color not usually found in morgues.

He kissed him slowly, until he felt Justin return the kiss, and respond. Soon Justin's cold skin was blushing back to a more normal hue. His hands were working at removing Brian's shirt as his body was busy showing Brian just how much warmth it was able to give.

Eventually Justin lost himself in the kiss and pulled Brian on top of him, only to laugh as he banged himself against the suitcase that was directly behind him on the bed.

"Ow"

Brian looked up and realized what had happened. He pulled Justin up and pushed the suitcase off the bed. At this point, he may as well have let Justin pack, everything was going to need ironing again but he didn't care. He kissed each part of Justin, stopping and spending a little extra time when he found a spot that was still cold from the shower. His hot mouth and tongue heating Justin's entire body until Justin was shaking and shivers were running down his spine, but for an entirely different reason.

When Brian finally flipped Justin over, pulling his robe off of him, his skin was flushed with color, and his need was apparent. As Brian put on a condom and slowly pushed into him, Justin moaned, an involuntary sound from deep in his throat.

Brian kneeled behind him and rubbed his hands up and down Justin's back, as Justin matched his rhythm, pushing back against him as he buried himself deep into the blonde's ass.

When Justin reached down, bringing himself to orgasm, Brian's movements quickened, and soon they both collapsed on the bed silently.

Justin curled up against Brian. "We haven't done that in a while."

"Three whole days."  
"Has it been that long?"

Brian laughed and Justin snuggled closer to Brian. "You know, I don't have an actual appointment with Ranston today, and I suppose some of my work could be viewed just as enjoyably upside down.

"You want to just stay in?"  
"Yes please."  
Brian pulled Justin closer, wondering if there was any way he could convince Justin that it was just as okay to take a night like this in their own home as it was to do so in this suite in New York.

Justin was a wreck the next day. No matter what Brian offered as a distraction Justin continued to simply sit on the bed and shake.

"I'm sorry I'm being so stupid."

"You're not stupid, you're sick."  
"I'm not sick."

Brian looked at him, curled up into himself in fleece pants, a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie his teeth still chattering.

"If you're not sick, you're doing an amazing acting job."

Brian called room service and ordered chicken soup.

"I don't want any."

"I didn't ask."

"Brian I can't eat today, I'm too nervous about the show, I need to go, to walk off some of this nervous energy."

Brian shrugged, "Put on some shoes, we'll go for a walk."

Justin looked at him, "I think I need to go alone."

"Bullshit."  
"Brian, I'm just worried about the show okay, I'll be fine."

You eat the soup, you can go walk around all you want, but the last thing I saw you eat was two days ago, and I'm not really looking to have you pass out alone in central park, it's not on the itinerary."

Justin began pacing, cracking his knuckles, grinding his teeth together to keep them from chattering.

"I eat the soup and I can go?"

"Eat the soup and I'll stop holding you captive."

"What is this, magic soup?"  
"You know what, do whatever the fuck you want, you always do. Go, take a long walk in central park, do whatever you have to do but pull yourself together."

Justin wasn't surprised at the tone in Brian's voice; he'd been expecting it for weeks, if not months now. Brian had his limits, and somehow Justin always managed to push him just over them. It was just a matter of time.

Justin pushed his feet into a pair of sneakers and stormed out.

"Fuck."

Brian fought the urge to go after him for several seconds, and then walked out of the room determined to find Justin.

It was a short search, he'd made it to the elevator before he'd felt the sudden need to sit down, he was tired, his legs were shaking like he'd just run a marathon, and he had no idea where he was going. Tears were falling unheeded down his face.

Brian found him like that several seconds later and simply put out his hand.

Justin took the proffered hand and followed Brian back to the room.

"Why don't we start this conversation over?"

Justin still crying nodded.

"Want to go for a walk?"  
Justin shook his head.

"Want some soup."

Justin nodded.

"See, life is much easier when you just fucking listen to me isn't it."

Justin nodded again, looking up and smiling a little.

"You're not always right you know."  
"Yeah, I'm sure I'll be wrong someday, and as soon as I am, I know you'll be there to point it out."

Justin lay down on top of the covers.

Brian answered the door, signed for the soup and hung a do not disturb sign on the knob.

He brought the soup back to Justin who made a halfhearted attempt at eating it before curling back up.

Brian folded the covers so that they were covering his dangerously small frame and went back to reading the paper, hoping something horribly tragic had happened to some earnest hard working nun in some third world country so that he could find something to laugh about.

PITTSBURGH

Emmett and Ted and Blake all made it to Deb's Friday dinner. Michael and Ben were there as well, but hunter had a date and was unable to attend.

Lindsay was still a little hesitant about it but Deb had insisted. The conversation flowed easily, and Lindsay remembered how much she really did miss her friends. Michael was thrilled to see JR, but his opportunities to actually hold her were few, as Deb seemed unwilling to relinquish the girl. She went about serving dinner with the baby on her hip.

"So you finally broke down and got a dog?" Emmett asked.

Ted smiled, "we did."  
Blake laughed, "you know, I was the one who wanted the dog, and I think teed loves her more than I do."

"Well, she's so cute, have you guys seen the latest pictures?" and Ted began passing around pictures of the small Yorkie terrier they'd recently purchased. "Her name is bluebonnet, but we just call her blue."  
They all smiled indulgently.

Lindsay was starting to really relax when Melanie appeared at the door.

"Should have known you'd just fall back into your old rhythms."  
"Mel. W What is you doing here?"  
"I came to see if you'd poisoned all of my friends against me." Melanie looked around the room. "Why am I not surprised that you go for the friends with dicks."

Carl took a step forward, preventing Debbie and Ben and Emmett from getting any closer to Mel, they all had dangerous looks in their eyes.

Michael had taken JR upstairs with Gus; he was trying to keep the kids from seeing too much of this.

"Melanie." Carl spoke slowly, trying to keep things calm. "I'm going to need you to leave, there's a Protection From Abuse order, a PFA that says you can't be here right now."  
"You think I don't know what a PFA is you fucking asshole, I'm a goddamned lawyer."

"Mel, I know you know what it is, I just wanted you to understand your rights, so I need you to leave, why don't you just go home, and tomorrow we can…"

"Carl, shut the fuck up."

"Mel, look, why don't you and I talk outside." Ben tried.

"Right, like you're gonna help, you're trying to take my kid away."

"Mel, no one's trying to do anything right now, we're just trying to save you from getting arrested."

"Save me? You're trying to save me? Well, what the fuck do I need saving from? Lindz, why don't you and I go outside and talk, this whole thing has gotten too fucking ridiculous."

Lindsay was about to take a step forward when Emmett held her hand, he didn't pull her back, or restrain her, he simply offered his support. Lindsay gratefully accepted, squeezing Emmett's hand tightly.

"Mel, I can't do that. I'm sorry."

"Melanie, I have to ask you to leave or I'm going to have to arrest you." Carl said softly, trying not to upset the woman any further. Melanie glared at him, and eventually turned and stormed off.

"Well, that was…bracing." Emmett said.

Lindsay sat on the sofa and bit her lip, forcing herself not to cry. "I'm sorry, to all of you."

"What the fuck is you apologizing for? She's the raving lunatic." Deb said.

"Well, I didn't mean to ruin your dinner, and it was lovely Deb, it really was, I'm just so sorry that you all had to…"

"Lindz, it's okay, it's not your fault." Lindsay looked at Ben and wished she could believe him.

We'd better go she made a move to head upstairs and collect Gus and JR but Ben stopped her. "I think I'd really like you to stay with Michael and me tonight, I don't like to think about you being all alone."

Lindsay smiled, "I'm sure we'll be just fine."

"Honey, are you really sure, she looked pretty angry." Emmett asked.  
Lindsay smiled again trying to look determined and brave. She looked scared, and pleading. "Stay with us Lindz." Michael watching Mel leave from the window had returned, with JR, Gus trailing behind him.

"Maybe just for tonight. Brian and Justin will be back tomorrow and…" Lindsay trailed off, not really sure what Brian and Justin's return had to do with any of it.

"Well now that we've got that settled, who wants some fucking dessert?" Debbie asked.

"Ooh me" Ted answered and they all returned to the table for coffee, and cake and each of them tried in their own way to make Lindsay feel better, and for the most part it worked.

NEW YORK

Brian woke Justin up an hour before they had to be at the gallery. He'd been sleeping fitfully but sleeping and Brian wasn't particularly happy about having to wake him but he actually did have a contractual obligation to be there.

Justin was groggy, and rubbed his eyes, Brian handed him some clothes. "C'mon sunshine, your adoring public awaits."

Justin yawned. "Can't they await for a little while longer?"

"The sooner you do this, the sooner we can get home."

Brian would love to keep Justin in New York, specifically in this hotel room for longer than a couple of nights, somehow, he seemed to sleep a little better here, but he knew that Justin was anxious to get back, and he was a bit anxious himself about leaving Lindsay on her own for too long.

Justin put on the black pants and turtleneck Brian had handed him.

"Christ, when was the last time you got a haircut?" Brian asked, his hair was getting long again, and between the blonde locks and the black turtleneck, Justin's face looked even paler and more drawn.

Justin shrugged, "I think it was before I moved to New York, so like, seven months, why, does it look bad?"

Brian nodded in that manner he had that meant the entirely opposite, and Justin smiled. "I don't have to stay for the whole show this time, I just have to be there to chat. Promise me we can come back early."

"Sure."

Justin was still shaking when they got out of the cab a block from the studio. Brian had pretty much assumed Justin's nerves would hit him hardest right before the show, which is why he'd left them some time before they were due.

He pulled Justin close to him, kissing the top of his head, and felt the smaller mans body trembling against his. He knew it was more than nerves, and vowed to himself that Justin was going to see a doctor as soon as they got back. Justin leaned his head back and Brian kissed him. Justin's arms snaked around Brian's neck, pulling him down for a deeper kiss.

"You ready?"  
"To go home? Absolutely."  
"Lets go."  
And Brian pulled him towards the gallery, opening the door and watching as Justin circulated, smiling and talking to the patrons.

Brian looked at Justin's work happy not to see himself staring back from a 10-foot canvas this time. Instead they were showing three distinctly different works. The first was an abstract portrait or at least at seemed to be at first glance but as you moved closer you saw that each square was a smaller picture, a smile, a hand, an outstretched arm, it was an amazing piece.

The second was the Pittsburgh skyline, but from an odd angle, as if it were done by someone lying on the street looking directly up, the buildings seemed higher, and to be closing in on you. It was powerful. The third was apparently one of the ones recently delivered, it was smaller, a study in texture and form, light and shadow it was… Brian smiled, stepped back, turned his head to the side, and laughed, it was upside down, and it was his knee, he recognized the small black line from when he'd fallen off his bike onto gravel when he was 8, Justin had painted his knee.

Brian's gaze moved around the room and found Justin, their eyes met, and Brian raised his eyebrows suggestively. Justin's fake smile became real.

About an hour later Justin took Brian's wrist and said, "lets go."

"Are you sure?"

"Couldn't be more sure."

They had almost made it to the door when Ranston stopped them. "Justin, it was great to see you. Can we speak for a moment?"  
"I guess."

Justin walked back into the room with the older man. Brian stood where he was, watching Justin's face as they spoke.

A few minutes later they were outside hailing a cab.

"What did he want?"

"Nothing much, he got all the pieces in, undamaged, which we already knew, and he said that after looking at them, he was surprised."

"Good surprised?"

"Yeah, I guess it's good, apparently most artist's first shows, well, a lot of the work is utter crap, and so they ask for a lot more than they need, because you know, to fill a gallery, well, he said that he wasn't aware that so many of the pieces I'd be submitting would be so large in scale, plus, he said the stuff was good, so he doesn't really need anything more for the show."

Brian looked at Justin, ignoring the passing cabs now.

"So you're done?"  
Well, I mean if I want to submit more, they'll be happy to show it, but yeah, he feels confident that they have enough to fill the gallery and that most of it will sell." Justin swallowed hard.

"So you're done."

"I think I'm done."

Brian smiled, it was that same stupid smile he'd had the day Justin had told him he was back, when they had breakfast at the diner. It was creeping Justin out a little.

Brian picked Justin up and kissed him hard. "We should celebrate, this is quite an accomplishment."

"Yeah, I guess so."  
Brian looked at him. "You'd rather just go to sleep wouldn't you?"

Justin melted against him. "Yes."

Brian smiled even wider, "lets get our stuff and get out of this hick town."

They were on the next flight back to Pittsburgh. Brian called the hotel and had them forward their belongings. Neither of them felt like stopping to pack.

Chapter 19

By the time Justin and Brian actually returned to the house they were both too wired to sleep so they found other ways to occupy themselves, and eventually they both drifted off, entangled in the sheets and each other.

Justin awoke a few hours later, it was almost six am. He pulled on a pair of jeans and locked the studio door behind him as he tried to focus on what to do next.

There was nothing to do. The show was done, there were other works he'd planned, but he just couldn't seem to motivate himself to begin any of them.

He left the studio a few hours later not quite sure what to do with himself.

Brian awoke to an empty bed. He looked at the clock, it was just after 8. He'd gotten a call from Michael last night, which had given him the gist of what had happened at Deb's house. He was glad Lindsay was staying with them. He figured she'd be back this afternoon sometime.

He pulled on a pair of jeans and headed downstairs. He was surprised to find Justin in the kitchen.

"You want something for breakfast?" Justin asked him as he poured two cups of coffee.

Brian shrugged. "I'll make eggs."

Brian watched as Justin made two omelets, and put them both down on the table. When Justin returned with toast and sat down Brian tried to hide his surprise. He did a lousy job.

"Would you stop looking at me like that, I told you I'd be better once I finished the work for the show. I finished the work for the show." Justin punctuated the sentence by shoving a healthy forkful of eggs into his mouth.

Brian took a bite of his own omelet. "Not bad."

Justin smiled and Brian felt a part of him that had been knotted tightly for the past few months start relax.

"So what do you want to do today?"

Brian chewed thoughtfully. "Today would be a great day to read the paper, and take a nap.

"Since when do you nap?"  
"Since I feel like neither of us has actually slept in months."

"We could pick up Gus and Lindsay and JR and go to Hershey Park"

Brian simply looked at Justin

"Valid point, bad idea."

Brian didn't really have to say anything; he just wasn't an amusement park kind of person.

"We could argue over what we're going to do about the parlor."

"Library."

"Sitting room?"  
"Back room."

"Home office?"  
"Dungeon."  
Justin laughed, and the knot inside Brian's chest unknotted a little bit more.

"We could actually figure out what's in those boxes."

"Nothing, I'll call someone and have them donated to charity."

"You know you can't do that until you at least get your personal stuff out of there."

"I could have it all hauled away as trash."

"Brian, there's probably stuff in there worth keeping."

Brian shrugged, "If I haven't missed any of it yet, I don't see when I might."

Justin yawned.

"What time did you wake up?"  
"Little before six."  
"So you got a whopping two and a half hours of sleep."

"It's good to be young, I understand as you get older, you need more sleep." Justin nodded knowingly at Brian. "It's okay, I understand, you're slowing down." He put a sympathetic hand on Brian's

Brian gave him a look that shut him up quickly.

"We could promise to have an entire day of not nagging."

"I don't nag."

"Right, perpetual reminders, they're very different from nagging because…" Justin looked at him questioningly "How are they different from nagging again, I always forget."  
Brian laughed. And stood up, taking Justin's hand, "why don't you and I take advantage of the fact that there is no Gus, no Lindsay, no JR, no friends, no family, no work in the studio to get back to, no calls from Cynthia to return…" he had already removed Justin's shirt and was beginning to work on his pants when Justin's hands slipped under his shirt.

The next several hours were spent christening parts of the house they had missed at other times in their endeavors to make every spot of this house their home.

They were finally spent, sweaty, exhausted, and naked, leaning against the couch in the great room and surveying the damage they'd done to the dining room, the table runner was crumpled in a corner somewhere, and several of the chairs were lying like fallen soldiers on the floor.

"I may have to re arrange my top ten list to add today."

Justin laughed, I've given up trying to keep track. He looked up at Brian, "How many of your top ten were with me."

Brian seemed to consider this for a minute. "At least one, IF I rearrange the list to add today."

Justin laughed and elbowed him in the chest lightly. "Asshole."

"We should have Daphne and that guy she's seeing over for dinner."  
"We should?" Justin knew that Brian hated dinner parties, so him bringing up the topic was more than surprising.

"And maybe Michael and Ben, I think we technically owe them dinner."

"Brian Kinney are you going all domestic on me?"  
"No, I'm just thinking that there are a lot of people who would be happy to see your re-entrance into humanity after your brief period as a recluse."

"I was not a recluse."  
"36 hours straight in the studio, three hours sleep, bottle of water, pack of cigarettes, repeat."  
"I was not that bad."

Brian shrugged, invite them over for tomorrow.

"Really? You're sure."  
"No, I changed my mind."

Justin got up to make the calls, which would have been easier if Brian weren't standing behind him and nibbling on his neck as he extended the invitations.

Once he was off the phone with Daphne, Michael and Ben had accepted their invitation, and promised to bring Hunter to watch the kids so Lindsay could join them, he turned his full attention back to Brian.

Mmmmmm, I've missed this, he was licking Brian's nipple, swirling his ever-talented tongue.

"My tit? It's been right here." Brian arched his back, reveling in the feel of Justin's mouth.

Justin leaned back, looking up at him "Brian, do me a favor."

"Mmmmmm?"  
"Shut up."

"Mmmmmm"

And a few of the kitchen chairs joined their fallen comrades in arms on the floor.

Brian finally coaxed Justin back to bed, where they did nothing more interesting than sleep, for most of the day. It was well after five before they both decided that fighting their hunger was no longer a viable option.

They ordered a pizza, and ate it in front of the TV, watching the movie Diner.

"I can't believe you've never seen this film."

"It was made like the year I was born."

"No, it wasn't but even so, it's a classic."

"I don't get it."  
"Shut up and watch."

"The entire left side of the menu?"  
"Classic."  
They sat in silence through the rest of the movie

"Good casting though."

"Mmmmmm hmmm"

"Somewhere around 8 they saw the lights come on in Lindsay's house."

"I'm gonna go help her tuck Gus in, Brian said, pulling on a pair of jeans and pushing his feet into a pair of shoes. Still shirtless he walked across the lawn to see how Lindsay was doing.

A few minutes after Brian left it happened.

Justin's heart started racing, his body felt as if it were tensed into one giant cramp. He made it to the bathroom just in time as the pizza came back up. He didn't know what to do. He sat on the bathroom floor, crying.

Everything was fine. The show was done, the party was done, Brian was okay, he was okay, he and Brian were okay together, why was he suddenly so horribly scared. He couldn't stop the tears. He couldn't stop shaking, he couldn't breathe.

He stayed there, hiding in the guest bathroom for a while, and when he finally pulled himself together enough to splash cold water on his face and took a couple of ragged breaths, he realized that it was probably just a reaction to so much food, and so much relaxation after being so stressed for so long. He wanted to laugh at himself for having gotten so scared, but he wasn't quite ready to laugh yet.

He was ready to go back to sleep however and that's where Brian found him when he returned from Lindsay's a little over an hour later, asleep in bed.

Brian, who had been sleeping significantly more than Justin over the past few months wasn't quite ready for sleep and so busied himself with a project he was hoping he wouldn't need, as he researched a few of Justin's symptoms, wondering if there was a reasonable explanation for his behavior or if the kid might just be going insane.

It was after midnight when Brian finally lay down in bed. Only a moment after he slid his body beneath the sheets Justin seemed to sense his presence and curled up around him. And Brian felt Justin's even breathing against his chest and exhaled slowly, falling asleep within minutes.

Justin had gone to bed at around nine thirty, so when he looked at the clock and saw that it was 11:30 he wasn't surprised. When he finally came to, and realized that it was 11:30 am he was concerned.

He jumped in the shower, moving quickly.

He pulled on a pair of clean but paint encrusted cargo pants, and an equally paint covered t-shirt. He sat on the bed, to put on socks and finished tying his sneakers. He looked for his wallet and couldn't find it, trying to retrace his steps he realized the last place he'd had it was the hotel.

"I need money."

Brian just looked at him.

"I left my wallet in the hotel room and we've got people coming for dinner and nothing to feed them. Give me your credit card so I can go grocery shopping."

"I'll go with you." Brian stood up

"I'm fine, I just don't have my wallet."

"And I have mine, let's go."

"Brian you're a pain in the ass at the supermarket, I don't have time for this, just give me the fucking credit card."

"_I'm _a pain in the ass at the supermarket. Who can't make a decision between vermicelli and linguine?"

"Fuck you, I'm… deliberate about my choices, you just throw anything into the cart and then we don't eat half of it."  
Brian was about to say something, reminding Justin that he wasn't the one who didn't eat, but had sworn off the nagging for a while, especially after yesterday. Justin had eaten, and slept and obviously was feeling better.

Brian shrugged, "we're out of Pom juice, Pelligrino and bread."

"Whole grain or 12 grain."  
"Why don't you deliberate, and decide for us."  
Justin smiled and kissed his nose. "You're still an asshole."

Brian handed Justin his debit card. "Get yourself some cash too, if you don't have your wallet, we probably won't get it back for a couple more days."

Justin shrugged, he had no intention of taking Brian's money, but that was an argument for another day. He didn't mind when Brian paid for things, especially since it was true that his art supplies for the show had been expensive, and no matter how quickly he got to the check, Brian was always just that much faster, but he had never asked Brian for cash, even when he really needed it, and now that he didn't he just wasn't going to get in the habit of counting on Brian for everything.

He pulled out of the driveway, and realized he'd forgotten about Lindsay. He gave her a quick call. "Hey, I'm going food shopping, you need anything?"  
"No, we're all set here, but thanks for asking."

"You doing okay?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine, we're all fine."

"You're coming for dinner tonight right?"  
"I'm not sure, if I feel up to it I'll be there."  
"Please come."  
"Well, it sounds like it's going to be a couples thing and…"

Justin laughed, "Daphne has been with this guy…Brad, Chad, something like that, for all of five months, they're hardly a couple, and Michael and Ben, are well, Michael and Ben, and if you don't come I'm going to tell Brian that he is having a "couple's thing" and then he'll go off and get drunk and leave me and it'll be all your fault."

Lindsay laughed, "Fine, for the sake of your relationship with Brian I'll be there."  
"And Lindz, for the sake of my relationship with Brian…don't ever say that I have a relationship with Brian in front of him."

Lindsay laughed again, "you know, I think he actually is aware of it now."

"Doesn't mean he likes to admit it in public."

"Point taken."

"You sure you don't need anything?"  
"Well, if you're going to be at the store, a box of cheerios, and some whole milk wouldn't be completely unwelcome."

"Lindz, you don't even have a car, are you sure you don't need anything else?"

"No, I'm fine, and I'm getting my car back soon."  
"Fine, cheerios, and milk.

"Oh and white bread and American cheese."  
"Okay now I'm going to have to start making a list."

"I'm sorry."  
"And I'm kidding, white bread, American cheese, cheerios, and milk. Do you want any grown up food, or is everyone eating like a toddler in the house?"  
Justin knew Lindsay well enough to know that she'd ask for what Gus or JR needed, but she'd never admit to wanting something for herself. "Never mind, I'll bring you a few things, at least until you get your car."

"Thanks Justin."  
"Anytime, hey, did you hear the news, I'm done working on stuff for the show."  
"Brian told me, you know that's really impressive."  
"You're still coming right?"  
"Hey, I practically discovered you, do you think I'd miss this?"  
"Good, I need at least one friendly eye in the crowd."

"I think there will be more than one."

"It's still nerve wracking to think about, I mean, my stuff is easily overlooked against some of the other artists works that they show, but this will be, ALL my stuff, I mean NOTHING but my stuff…"

"Justin, your work is amazing, and powerful, and from what I hear, not so easily ignored, I heard almost everything you've shown has sold."

"Yeah, except for Brian's knee."

Lindsay laughed, "You painted Brian's knee? The one with the scar he hates?"

"Yeah, and they hung it upside down. Maybe that's why no one bought it."  
Lindsay was trying to stop laughing. "Why exactly did you paint his knee?"  
"It was an exercise in texture and shading."  
"Pfft, you were sketching and his knee was in your line of vision."

"And that."  
Lindsay was still laughing when Justin said goodbye to her and parked in front of the huge grocery store. It wasn't until he was actually there that he realized he had no idea what he was serving for dinner.

Two hours later he pulled back into the garage, the car loaded down with groceries. Brian appeared to help him carry in most of the bags.

"These three need to go to Lindz's, can you take them over? I want start marinating the chicken for dinner."

Brian looked at his watch. Dinner's not for six hours.

"I want to get started, I want everything to be…"

"Perfect?"  
"Yes, now take the milk over to Lindz before it's cottage cheese."

Lindsay met him at the door, and took two of the bags out of Brian's hands just in time to keep him from dropping them as Gus launched himself into his father's free arm.

"Hey sonny-boy."

"Daddy, guess what? Me and Sam were at the ocean and we saw a big lizard and after it went swimming we brought it home and mom said we couldn't keep it and made us take it back to the ocean but it followed us home anyway cause Sam and Shelby are gonna keep it."

Brian looked up at Lindsay waiting for a translation.

"The pond, behind the old barn, Gus has decided it's the ocean. They saw a frog, we took it back, but now apparently Sam, his dog Shelby, and the frog are living happily together."  
"And I still shouldn't be worried?"

"Your son has a very active imagination, it's the sign of a creative mind."

"If you say so."  
"Brian, Justin is too sweet."

Lindsay was unloading grocery bags in the kitchen, Brian was sitting on the floor with Gus and his trucks, JR had sat down leaning against Brian's chest as he lay on his side. He looked up at her comment with questioning eyes.

I asked for milk and bread, she waved her hand displaying the vast array of things that weren't milk and bread that Justin had sent over with Brian. Brian laughed.

"He takes care of people."  
"Everyone but himself."

"I think he's doing better, at least I hope he is."  
"You're really worried about him."

"I was."  
"We all were."  
"Now you're not?"  
"We trust you Brian, you won't let him fall too far."  
Brian stood up abruptly. "I've got to get back, I'll see you tonight?"  
"Of course."  
He kissed her, and put JR back down on the play rug with Gus. "You take care of your sister okay?"

"I always do daddy."

Brian kissed the top of Gus's head, fished a cigarette out of his pocket and smoked it while he wandered around the property.

"We all trust you Brian, you won't let him fall too far." They were fucking stupid. Why would anyone trust him? Brian tried not to be angry but he couldn't help it. Fuck them, fuck Justin and his unwillingness to take care of himself, fuck Deb and Ben and Lindsay and Jennifer and anyone else who thought it was his job to take care of Justin, who thought he could do it. Who told them he could do it? The more he thought about it the angrier he got, what if Justin had fallen, what if the work hadn't been "perfect" what if he had finished the work too late and had actually collapsed? Why was everyone so sure he had the answers? Brian ran his hand through his hair and suddenly regretted the spur of the moment dinner party decision. He regretted it more when he got back to the house and found Justin setting the table. It was 3:00 dinner wasn't for five hours.

"You really think people are going to be here that early?"  
"Shut up, I just wanted to get this out of the way so I could get started on dinner prep."

"You're cooking something that takes five hours?"  
"No you freak, but I need to wash the endive for the salad, and chop the garlic and vegetables for the…"

Brian shrugged, "do whatever you have to." And went to the den where he rolled himself a joint, and got slowly mellowly stoned while seething inside at everyone who had decided that this was up to him to fix.

Dinner actually went well, Justin was surprised by Daphne's new boyfriend, he wasn't the type she usually went for, he was…well he was nice to her, which was a change from most of the guys she'd been dating and he was also relatively smart and charming. He and Ben seemed to have quite a bit in common as the evening wore on. Lindsay seemed to be in a good mood, and Justin was feeling like he might just make it though the evening without falling apart.

Brian was watching Justin carefully, he kept moving during the entire meal, constantly getting up to get something he'd forgotten, or clearing away dishes, he never stopped and he never ate.

After dinner Justin suggested coffee and desert in the great room, and he went into the kitchen to start the coffee. He finished putting the beans into the machine, and setting it to brew, and then ground his teeth at the sound of the beans grinding. He turned away from it and knocked one of the dishes that had been sitting on the edge of the sink onto the floor. The plate shattered.

Justin stared at it, unable to focus, unable to breathe. His brain spun, the tears were flowing down his face and he had no idea why, he started to yell but he couldn't seem to make a sound, instead he just picked up the entire stack of plates and threw them down with full force watching them shatter at his feet.

Brian heard the sound of a dish breaking and laughed, "fuck, he's gonna make me go back to that stupid store and buy more dishes."

Ben said something and they all chuckled and then he heard the louder crash of breaking glass and this time with more force. He moved quickly, and found Justin, tears streaming, his body shaking with the force of his sobs hurling dishes at the floor. Brian tried to step towards him but the look in Justin's eyes was frightening. "One fucking dinner party" Justin said, "I can't even fucking get through one fucking dinner party." He was practically keening doubled over as if in pain. His entire body wracked with each sob.

Michael and Daphne came to the kitchen to see what was wrong; Brian motioned them away. Michael tried to take a step forward. Brian glared at him.

"Get the fuck out." They all filed out of the house rather quickly, not sure what was going on but somewhat sure that Brian was better equipped to handle it than they were. Lindsay took in the kitchen scene and wasn't sure at all. While it was easy to focus on Justin and the pain he was clearly experiencing, she knew the look in Brian's eyes too well to ignore it. He had shut down. His face was blank. He took a step forward. "Justin."

"Fuck off Brian."

"Justin, just…"

Brian looked down as he stepped on a shattered piece of glass and noticed Justin wasn't wearing shoes. Justin had smashed the coffee pot and the steaming brew was pooling around his bare feet, as well as broken dishes and, Christ, was that blood? He tried to think. Justin rarely if ever wore shoes in the house, but had he actually served dinner without them? The floor was covered in shards of glass and pottery and he wasn't sure what was next. Justin was still crying, still yelling, telling him, them to go away. Brian looked and suddenly noticed that Lindsay hadn't left.

Justin inwardly was trying to pull himself together, he felt as if he were imploding. He'd left a plastic plate on a hot burner once, and it had melted inwards, it's how he felt now, as if he were melting into himself, as if everything were closing in on him. He tried to focus and was suddenly as intent on cleaning up the mess he'd just made as he had been on creating it, but he was doing it automatically.

Brian watched Justin take a step forward not seeming to notice that he was walking barefoot over broken glass. "Justin." Brian tried to keep his voice calm. Justin was kneeling on the floor now sweeping together the broken pieces that were near him with his hands. "Justin." Brian tried again, but Justin backed away, putting his hand down on a piece of broken coffee pot, the hot glass cut into him and Brian saw the blood. There seemed to be a lot of it. He was starting to really panic. Brian realized that the glass had cut Justin's wrist. The blood began to pool next to the crying man on the floor mixing with the hot coffee and broken glass.

"Justin." Brian took a step towards him again, "you're hurting yourself." Justin's eyes were blank. "Brian?"

There were tears streaming down his face but his body now seemed to be still, his shaking had stopped, the body wrenching sobs had stopped, but the tears continued to flow.

Justin suddenly became aware of his surroundings, became aware of what he'd done. All he had wanted was to make Brian happy; he looked up and saw Brian's eyes, and there was emotion there, but nothing that resembled happiness. He tried to breathe but the he couldn't seem to pull in any oxygen. He just wanted to apologize, to leave, to give Brian what he wanted, which was not to be responsible for him anymore. He stood up, his hand was wet, he wiped it on his pants and started to run.

Brian watched Justin stand up, he seemed cognizant now, aware of his surroundings, and then he bolted.

Brian took two long strides noticing that Justin was leaving bloody footprints on the floor and a trail of deep burgundy dots as the blood dripped down his hand and off of his finger. Brian was about to say something when Justin turned around to look at him. Suddenly his eyes seemed to roll back in his head and he crumpled to the floor.

Brian watched, unable to move, he wanted to catch him, to keep him from falling but he was just out of reach and it happened so fast. He was down on the hard marble of the foyer before Brian could prevent it. His body seemed to almost bounce from the force of the landing. He picked Justin up, and carried him to the bedroom where he pulled lifted Justin's hand, which was still bleeding profusely. He was relieved to see that while he had cut his palm, he had not in fact done any damage to his wrist or any major arteries. He pulled the piece of glass out, and grabbed a towel to stop the bleeding.

Justin! This time he was yelling. The kid was out cold.

"I'll call an ambulance" it was Lindsay.

Justin opened his eyes. "I'm fine, I'm just tired. I'm sorry I ruined dinner Brian."

"I think he needs a doctor Brian."

Brian looked at her, not knowing how or why he knew that the last thing Justin needed right now was to be pushed into an ambulance and rushed to the hospital. He just shook his head, and took a somewhat shaky breath.

"We'll be okay Lindz, just…"

She nodded and closed the door behind her, not at all sure either one of them would be okay, but trusting Brian to make the right decision.

Justin looked up. "Everyone left?"

"Mmmmmm hmmm."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

Justin wanted to ask him what he was sorry about but he was too tired.

He wanted to ask why Brian wouldn't let go of his hand, but he was too tired.

He wanted to ask if Brian still loved him but he was too scared. He wasn't sure he could take the answer right now.

"Brian."

"Yes?"  
"I'm really tired."  
"I know sonny-boy"

"I'm gonna go to sleep."  
"Okay."

Justin turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. Brian felt his heart actually stop. He was so pale. He looked dead. He laid his hand lightly across Justin's chest, feeling the comforting rise and fall of his breathing, and the soft thump of his heart beating and he let out the breath he had been unaware he was holding. When he was sure that Justin was just sleeping and not unconscious, when he had checked his head to make sure he hadn't hit it against the floor when he fell, when he had made sure the bleeding had stopped both on his feet and from the cut on his hand he took off his sweater and jeans and lay his head on Justin's chest, dozing to the sound of Justin's heart beating in his ear.

Tomorrow there was a lot to do. There were doctors and conversations and apologies and promises, but tonight there was just the very reassuring sound of Justin's heart still beating.

Chapter 20

Justin woke up sure he was dying. "I'm having a heart attack," he thought to himself as he tried to take a deep breath, it felt as if his entire body was pinned under a heavy weight. Eventually he realized that it was Brian.

Brian's head was lying heavily on Justin's chest, his arms draped over Justin's frame, one leg tossed casually across his ankles effectively pinning him to the bed.

"Brian."  
Justin tried to push at him but he felt a sharp pain in his hand and some of the previous evenings events came back to him. Justin tried to figure out what to do next. Apparently Brian's response had been to simply trap him in bed, which, under other circumstances might be fun, but right now Justin was starting to panic, a feeling he wasn't interested in revisiting any time soon.

"Brian!" louder this time.

Brian lifted his head. "Mmmmfff?"

"Brian get off of me." Justin tried again to push him off but winced as he tried to use his left hand.

Brian sat up quickly. He took Justin's arm by the wrist and pulled his hand, palm up, to examine the wound. It wasn't bleeding anymore but he wondered if he should have taken Justin to get stitches.

Justin, finally free of Brian's dead weight tried to stand up, but suddenly sat again as he felt a sharp pain in his foot.

"What the fuck?"  
Brian watched Justin's somewhat feeble attempts at getting out of bed, or moving at all, and his concern from last night flooded back to him.

"Sit the fuck down."

Justin had one of his legs resting on the opposite knee and was examining the bottom of his foot.

"Well I have to sit down, at least until I figure out what the hell I just stepped on, I think it's still in my foot."

Brian leaned over the edge of the bed and examined the floor, he didn't see anything, and then he turned his attention to the bottom of Justin's foot. There were several cuts and scrapes on his foot and toes. As Brian turned on the bedside lamp he saw a few quick glimmers and realized that there was still glass in it. He sighed.

Less than five minutes later Brian was standing in front of Justin, holding a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt in front of his face. "Change, we're going to the doctors."

"I don't need a doctor, I need tweezers, and maybe a pin or something."

"Did it sound like a question?"  
Justin looked up at Brian and for the first time noticed his expression, it was dark, and he was working on blank, but he wasn't accomplishing it very well at the moment.

"Brian, seriously I just…"

"Put on clean clothes, or you're going to the doctor covered in blood and coffee."

Justin looked down at his pants, and saw that they were ruined, they were stained and there was a tear in the leg, and little spots of blood at the knees. "Fuck, I'm sorry Brian, these were expensive."  
"Yeah, I'm very upset that you ruined a pair of pants. Now get dressed."

Brian was on the phone his back turned to Justin.

"Brian I…"

Brian shot a look over his shoulder that made Justin think twice about protesting. He silently pulled off the old pants, and noticed that his knees were speckled with blood. As he ran his hand over the scabs he felt that there was a piece of glass still there, he tried to pick it out, but his fingernails were so bitten and ragged all he ended up doing was opening the scab and causing his knee to bleed again.

Brian finished his phone call and turned around in time to see Justin picking at his knee. His grabbed Justin's wrist, not hard, but firmly.

"Put your fucking clothes on or I'm taking you there naked."

Justin looked up, trying to give Brian a flirtatious smile but he was apparently in no mood.

When Justin was dressed he stood up, and tried to walk, limping in different variations as he tried to find an angle for each foot that didn't make it feel as if he were driving the glass deeper into his flesh. Brian watched for a couple seconds as Justin tried to ensure that the glass buried itself further into his feet and finally sighed. He grabbed Justin's sneakers with one hand and picked Justin up, flinging him over his shoulder with the other, and walked them both down to the car. Justin was still protesting when Brian actually walked past the garage.

"Look at the floor Justin…that's your blood. He took a few steps further and turned so that Justin could see the kitchen floor. He said nothing else. He sat Justin in the car, fastened his seatbelt for him in the same way he would for Gus and then got in the drivers seat, lit a cigarette, pulled out of the garage and headed towards the doctors office.

Justin was silent. Brian glanced over and he was in deep concentration bending his left wrist back as far as it would go, and examining the cut on his hand. Brian saw it reopen and he took Justin by the wrist again "Stop that."

They made the rest of the drive in silence. Justin wanted to apologize, but he knew it was too late for that. There were a lot of things he knew he wanted to say but he wasn't ready, not yet.

Brian was lost in his own thoughts. He didn't want to sit in an emergency room, so he had called one of the few doctors he knew who could be discreet. It was where he'd gone the first time he'd ever thought he had gonorrhea. It had turned out to be nothing but he'd remained his primary care physician for years. And right now, he just needed someone who could check Justin out physically.

They pulled into the parking lot in silence and Justin opened his door. Brian leaned over him and pulled the door shut.

"We're going to go in there, we're gonna get you cleaned up, stitched up, whatever, and you're not going to argue or be a general twat about it." It wasn't a question, or a request. It was a demand.

Justin nodded, head down. Brian leaned over and kissed him. "You scared me last night." He whispered.

Justin looked up surprised. "I'm sorry."

Brian sighed, "Would you quit apologizing. Now wait there, I'll be around to get you."

"Brian I can walk in."

"Without shoes?"  
Brian held up his shoes with a taunting smile and then walked around to the other side of the car.

Justin was embarrassed but the office was empty and the nurse sent them right back to an exam room. Justin sat on the crinkly paper, and Brian hopped up on the table and sat behind him, flipping his leg so that he was straddling the table he pulled Justin back against his chest. "You okay in there?" he whispered into the top of Justin's head.  
"Yeah, I'm just embarrassed."  
Brian smiled and gave a half laugh, "yeah well you probably should be."

Justin wiped a tear. "I'm so…"

"If you say you're sorry I'm going to create a whole new bruise for the doctor to look at." He said it quietly, and Justin opened his mouth again to apologize, but apologizing for apologizing wasn't going to make Brian any less upset with him right now so he shut his mouth again.

The nurse came in, asked a few basic questions and took Justin's temperature, and blood pressure.

A few minutes later the doctor walked in.

"Hey Brian."

"Hey doc"

"Justin, would you like Brian to stay, he can leave if you'd be more comfortable."

Brian shot the doctor daggers with his eyes but the Dr. McKenzie ignored him. "Brian will you stay?" Justin asked.

Brian shrugged against Justin's back; he hadn't released his arm, which was still holding the blonde against him. "Where've I got to go?"

Dr. McKenzie started by examining Justin's hand. Looking at it carefully he eventually pulled the wound together with three stitches and bandaged it well.

He then began to ask questions about exactly how this had happened.

Brian felt Justin tense up against him, but he let Justin tell the story, he was actually kind of interested in hearing Justin's version.

Justin's version, as it turned out, was an exercise in revisionist history and lies by omission, but Brian didn't interrupt.

Justin finished with a shrug "So Brian made me come here to get my hand looked at."

"Yeah, while we're here, why don't you check his feet, and his knees too, since they seem to have suffered as well in the…what was it you entitled last night, minor moment of insanity?"

Justin smiled, okay, so maybe it was more than just a moment, but I'm fine now.

Brian nodded.

"So stand up."  
Justin looked at him, and then looked down at the drop he'd have to make to get off the table, and frowned.  
"Mmmmmm hmmm," Brian turned his attention to the doctor. "Could you do me a favor and look at his feet."

The doctor turned his attention to the bottom of Justin's feet, and after examining them under a lighted magnifying glass he swiped the bottoms with disinfectant, gave a shot of local anesthetic and went to work digging out the shards and slivers of glass.

Justin didn't feel anything due to the shot, but he still couldn't bear to watch. He turned his head and Brian held his hand over Justin's eyes for him. Trying not to laugh at the drama queen reaction.

When the doctor declared that he needed Justin to remove his pants so he could check on his knees Justin hesitated.

"My knees are fine"

"Twat." Brian whispered softly into his ear.

Justin sighed and removed his pants, feeling somewhat embarrassed sitting in nothing but his underwear. The doctor checked the scrape on his thigh, and then he moved on to Justin's knees, which he cleaned gently, watching as the boy winced.

Brian tightened his grip a little around the waist, still saying nothing. The doctor repeated the procedure he'd done on Justin's feet, but without an anesthetic, as the cuts weren't as deep.

He glanced up from his work once and wondered who was in more pain, Justin, who was wincing audibly, or Brian who looked as if he might simply scream at any moment. But they both made it through okay.

He moved on to listening to Justin's heart rate etc. and glanced down at his chart. Now if you could just step on the scale for me.

Brian saw the mutinous look cross Justin's face, and set his jaw.

"You'll be okay to stand now, and your feet should still be numb."

Justin lowered himself off of the table slowly, and the doctor handed him his pants. Justin had been dreading this. He knew he'd lost some weight, but he really didn't know, or want to know how much. He stepped on, holding his breath.

The Doctor set the scale, and couldn't get a read; he moved the main bar lower, and finally got the scale to balance.

He measured his height and wrote that down too.

"I'd like to have some blood work done," he looked at Brian, I know Justin doesn't have insurance and some of these tests can be…"

Brian interrupted him. "Do what you have to do, I'll pay for it."

The doctor nodded, my nurse will be back in a moment to take the blood then Justin I'd like to talk to you in my office, Brian you can join us if Justin says it's okay.

Brian had no intention of letting Justin say otherwise, but he just nodded.

While they waited for the nurse Justin tried. "Brian, I'll be okay, he probably just wants to tell me that I should get an HIV test if I'm hanging around with you."

"Three years since your last physical? You're supposed to get tested every six months."

Well, I didn't count clinic blood tests when the nurse asked.

Brian shrugged; "they're doing one anyway."

After the nurse took the last vial of blood Justin stood back up, and felt his head start to spin. But he righted himself quickly and pushed his feet into the sneakers and socks that Brian had finally returned to him.

When they were both sitting in the office the doctor started to ask Justin some questions. "Have you been having trouble eating or sleeping lately?"  
Justin was trying to crack the knuckles on his right hand but having difficulty because he usually did it with the palm of his left, which was now bandaged and still sore.

"I was, I was um…suffering some stress."

Brian decided now was not the time to interrupt.

"I'm a little worried about your weight."

"Well, I have been eating mostly junk…"

"No Justin, you're not overweight, you're pretty severely underweight. You're currently tipping the scales at 118 lbs."

Brian took a sharp intake of breath. "Jesus fucking Christ!"

"Brian calm down, we both knows I've lost weight, it's okay, I'll start eating better."

The doctor nodded, that's a start, but I'm concerned about the possibility of anemia, as you seem to have bruises that are clearly from last night's incident but also a few older ones as well. The doctor then began to ask a series of extraordinarily personal questions that made Brian want to hit him in the face and Justin want the floor to open up and swallow him. When Dr. McKenzie was satisfied that Justin wasn't in any immediate danger of being beaten or fucked to death, he wrote out a couple of prescriptions. One for a multi vitamin, one for Ambien, which he assured Justin was less addictive than Xanex and shouldn't cause any allergy issues, but would help him actually achieve REM sleep.

Then he made the suggestion that Brian was hoping for and Justin was dreading.

"Justin, you're obviously having some difficulties due to stress and some recent lifestyle changes. I would like to strongly recommend that you talk to a professional counselor about these issues."

Justin said nothing, took the scrips and simply walked out. Brian paid the nurse at the front desk, and followed him to the car.

Brian drove and Justin tried to wipe the tears without Brian noticing.

"Allergies?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Why don't you tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking that I'm going to miss you."

"Am I going somewhere?"  
"Brian stop it."

They were at a stoplight and Brian looked over at Justin. "Why are going to miss me?"  
"Because I know that I have to leave, that you want me to leave. That I'm more responsibility than you want, or can handle."

Brian clenched his jaw and drove the rest of the way in silence.

Justin's heart was breaking but he held back any more tears, trying to figure out where he was going to go.

When they finally got back to the house the remnants of the previous night were still obvious. Magdalena wasn't due until Tuesday.

Brian took Justin by the wrist and walked him into the den. He sat him down on the sofa and started pacing in front of him. He was trying to collect his thoughts, he'd been trying to do this all morning, nothing had worked. He wanted to say something glib, something snide, something that would make how he felt clear without forcing the point, and finally he stopped and looked at Justin, who was still staring at his hands.

"I love you."

Justin looked up. "What?"  
"You're gonna make me repeat it?"  
Justin shook his head.

"I'm going to repeat it anyway, and I'm going to talk, actually talk to you, and you're going to listen, okay?"  
Justin was still looking at his hands, refusing to meet Brian's eyes.

Brian took a step closer, and put his hand under Justin's chin, until they were looking at each other. "Okay?"  
Justin nodded.

"Okay." Brian took a deep breath, not sure how to start this, or where it would end.

"I love you."

"You said that already."

"Shut up, I said I'd talk and you'd listen. I want you to be okay. I want you to be happy, and healthy and understand that I don't want or need perfect. I spent a long time trying to make everyone believe that what I wanted and needed was just me, and my ability to take care of myself.

I spent a long time lying to a lot of people, mostly to myself, but Justin, you never let me lie to you, even when I tried, you called me on it. You've known how I feel about you, and what I need longer than I have. And you do a fucking fantastic job of providing me with everything I need when you're taking care of yourself. That's because…"

Brian stopped, trying to find the words, well better words, different words, words that weren't this naked and raw, but he didn't have any.

"Because the only thing I actually need _is_ you. I don't want you to leave, and in fact, I can't let you leave because that'll fucking end me, so drop that line of thinking right now. What I do need is for you to be okay, and I know you're not."

Justin looked up quickly about to deny that he was anything other than fine.

"Don't fucking try to lie to me now, because I'm not going to accept the lies anymore. We're going to do something new. We're going to have rules that YOU are required to stick to. You're going to eat, and you're going to sleep, you're going to take care of yourself and you're not going to try to pretend that you're okay when you're not. You're going to let me help and you're going to let me take care of you while you can't."

Justin tried to speak again and Brian put his hand up to stop him.

"I don't know where or when you got this obsession with everything being perfect, and I don't think that we can fix what's broken in you in a single day, or with a single conversation, but we're going to talk, honestly from now on. No more pretending that you're fine, no more lying about what's wrong, or how wrong it is. You're fucked up. I get that. You're scared. I get that too. But no more lying."

There was silence and Brian kneeled between Justin's knees. "You can talk now," he whispered.

Justin looked up. "I'm making you miserable."

"No you're not."  
"I'm making you worried."  
"Yes you are."  
"You shouldn't have to worry about me."

"I always have. I have worried about you since the first time I dropped you off at school and realized that you had to face an entire locker room full of boys who would happily kick your ass just for being who you are.

I've had a million reasons to worry about you every day since then and I've pretended it didn't matter. Pretended it didn't hurt to watch you hurt, that I didn't die a little when you didn't need me. I'm fucked up, and pathetic but I like you being around, and I like taking care of you, and I like that you take care of me, and I do notice it, all the small things you do to make my life more comfortable, but you're doing them at the expense of your own health, and that, I. Will. Not. Accept."

"I love you so much Brian that it scares me."

"Yeah, well it scares me too."

"Are you sure you want me to stay."

"Are you being dense on purpose?"  
"I just don't understand why you'd want a basket case like me around."

"There's lots of reasons, and the astounding blow jobs are just one. The others are a little more pathetic, and sappy."  
"Are you going to make me go to a shrink?"  
"I can't make you do anything, but I think you should, it won't be like the useless fuck your mother took you to, but I want you safe, I want you healthy and I want you around, for a long time."

"I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to."  
"But you're killing yourself Justin. You don't eat."  
"I'm not hungry."  
"I understand that but Justin, you've dropped a lot of weight, you're hurting yourself, and not just last nights meltdown."

"It was just an…."

"Don't try to downplay it, I was there, you imploded and then collapsed, you had a Chernobyl level meltdown, you could have hurt yourself much more than you did. And even if you hadn't, you've been spiraling for weeks, maybe even months."

Brian picked up Justin's right hand, which was clenched in a fist. "Straighten your fingers."

Justin did his best to flex his hand, biting his lip to hold back the wince; his fingers were stiff this morning.

"You're lying right now. You won't admit that hurts."

"It's not so bad."  
"Justin!"

Justin flinched from the sound.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to scare you, but this has to stop, the lying has to stop. You're not okay; you're not 'fine'. You're nowhere close to it, and that's okay, but you have to stop with the fucking lies. You're not protecting me from anything, and you're hurting yourself trying to."

"But if you know how fucked up I am, you won't want me. You want pretty things, perfect things. You deserve the best."

"You are pretty, you are the best, and no, you're not perfect but hell, fuck if any of us are."

Justin sat in silence for a moment.

Brian was trying to be open and honest, which were two of his least favorite things to do when it came to talking about emotions, but he couldn't let Justin leave, he couldn't have Justin not be here, and he had no idea how to convince the strongest person he knew that he needed his strength, and his imperfections, and his sunshine smile, and his annoying inability to decide on a type of pasta and his perfect ass, all of it in bed with him at night or he couldn't sleep.

"I can't sleep without you drooling on my shoulder."

Justin smiled. "You really want me to stay, even if I'm crazy?"  
"Justin, you are batshit insane, and I can't live without you in my life."

"You're going to deny all of this later aren't you?"  
"Most of it, but the part where you eat, you sleep, and you don't lie to me, those parts are staying."

"What about the part where I give amazing blow jobs?"  
"That parts true and you know it."

"Why do you get to set all the rules?"  
"Because I'm not the one with the multiple injuries from his recent eschewing of sanity."

"You can't just make rules for me, you're not my dad."

"No, I'm not, because unlike your dad I have a vested interest in your well-being. I actually care if you live or die. I also care if while you're busy not dying you're happy."

"Are you happy Justin?"  
"Right now? Yeah. I think I am."

"Are you going to stay with me?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to take better care of yourself?"

"Do I have a choice?"  
"No."  
"Justin, I'm so sorry I let you fall so far, I should have caught you sooner."

"It's my fault Brian I…"

"Let's not do the blame thing, just understand that I won't let you fall again, I promise, but I can only keep that promise if you stop lying to me."

"I never really lied."

"Yes, you did, and lies by omission count."

"I won't lie to you again."

"And I will listen when you try to tell me what's wrong. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to, but I'll try."  
Justin bit his lower lip.

"What?"  
"I just don't want to bother you with my problems."  
"Justin, have you seen the kitchen? We're out of dishes. You broke them all. Have you seen your hands, your knees, your feet? It bothers me more when you don't tell me your problems."

Brian leaned up and kissed Justin, moving his body until he was straddling Justin's lap, kissing him passionately, his hands in Justin's hair, feeling the blondes mouth respond to his, feeling his body respond to his.

Brian pulled back. "No more lying?"  
"No more lying."

"Promise me."

"I promise, no more lying."

"Okay then, want to go back to bed?"

Justin nodded. "But Brian, I'm not really tired."

Brian laughed as he helped Justin up the stairs. "I didn't say you had to start sleeping right now."

And in fact it was quite a while before either of them drifted off into a sated sleep, and for the first time in a long time, not only did Justin feel truly safe again in Brian's arms, Brian truly felt as if he was able to keep Justin safe in his embrace.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 21

Justin moved slowly, as he headed towards the bathroom. His body felt as if he'd just run a marathon, or been in a fight, and he grimaced as he realized that maybe he'd just done both. His feet still hurt especially against the cold tile floor and he realized that a bath was probably a safer option than a shower.

Brian appeared in the doorway just as the water filled the tub. He dropped his jeans and lowered himself in, pulling Justin in with him. They both laughed.

Justin leaned against Brian's chest and felt the older man's arousal as he pulled his body to him. Brian picked up the bar of soap. "Shhhh" he whispered in Justin's ear, although he hadn't made a sound. "Let me take care of you." And he began moving the soap across Justin's chest, making lazy circles of suds. His hand moved lower and Justin let out a little moan.

Justin turned his body, wrapping his legs around Brian's waist and grinding their matching hard-ons against each other. Brian gently pushed Justin back until he was nestled into the nook in the tub, designed for just such a position.

Justin's hand dropped into the water and he winced, as the wound got wet. Brian lifted his arms, and put them on either side of the tub. "I'll handle this." And he hit the button that started the jets. Justin moaned again as the pressure of the water hit his back, and ran across his belly teasingly. He writhed a little under Brian's gentle ministrations. He was desperate for release but Brian put it off for a while as he continued to move the soap, hitting every spot on Justin's body, gently washing his knees, which were bruised and scabbed. Paying specific and careful attention to those areas that showed the damage from the previous day.

Eventually Brian lifted himself out of the tub and picked up Justin, who was now limp. "Putty in my hands." Brian whispered into his ear, and carried him back to the bed, where he laid him down almost reverently, and watched as the sheets beneath him became a little darker with the dampness from his body. He then crawled across Justin carefully.

Brian surveyed the almost entirely limp boy, and was gratified that there was one part of him that couldn't be described as anything other that rock hard. He kissed Justin gently but passionately and then his mouth began to move lower, nuzzling at his neck, finding the spot on his right ear that with a simple tongue swirl could make Justin whimper. "Brian." It came from the back of Justin's throat and Brian smiled and moved lower, focusing on Justin's nipples. "Mmmmmm, you know, I kind of miss you're nipple ring."

"I'll get it pierced again if you want." Justin said, his voice shaking with desire.

"I think you've done enough damage to your body at the moment." Brian said, licking again at the ever-hardening nub. He moved his mouth to the other nipple, swirling and sucking but never biting. Justin's back arched, as his chest rose to meet Brian's mouth.

Brian moved slowly, savoring the clean and yet increasingly musky taste of Justin's skin. Kissing down his chest until he reached his navel. Brian slowly circled it with his tongue, sucking at it, and then plunging his tongue in the way he'd eventually plunge himself into Justin. Justin's response was immediate and wanton, his head thrown back; he gripped the sheets beneath him, and cried out.

Brian moved lower, licking just the tip of Justin's cock, watching a small bead of precum emerge, and then licking it again. He took the whole of it in his mouth, down to the base, and then slid his lips back up, releasing it.

"Brian!" this time it was pleading, almost a wail.

Brian moved back up to Justin's mouth, kissing him, and then whispering, his hot breath against Justin's ear. "Shhhh, now I have to start all over."

Justin's eyes flew open, and he remembered their first morning back together. He moaned.

Brian smiled, and began again at Justin's neck, moving slowly back to his nipples and Justin's body seemed to melt into the mattress, his hands raised above his head gripping the pillow with a death grip, trying not to spontaneously come as he watched Brian's head move slowly down his body.

Brian had no plans to do anything quickly. His movements were languid. It took all of his control not to simply plow into this beautiful blonde, whose very taste was more addictive than anything his disco-pharmacologist could provide, but he also knew that Justin was sore, that it would be a while before Justin was back on his feet, literally, and almost as long before he was back on his knees. This left Brian in control, a place that he was perfectly happy to be. He continued his torturously slow ministrations as Justin's body wriggled beneath his mouth and ever wandering hands.

He positioned himself between Justin's legs, licking at Justin's thighs, his hands stroking the back of Justin's legs and rubbing his ass until he pulled his perfect thighs over his shoulders and he ran his tongue along Justin's crack. Justin pushed his body forward, and made a soft keening noise. Brian used his hands to open Justin just a little bit, letting his tongue flit over his puckered hole. Justin tried to buck, to impale himself of Brian's tongue, but Brian's soft hands were denying him such freedom of movement.

Brian's tongue continued to tease Justin, licking and flickering against him until finally he plunged his tongue into the puckered ring. Justin's moan was deep, primal and involuntary. His body bucked with pleasure and Brian continued to fuck Justin with his tongue, while Justin tried to formulate thoughts, and then gave up and simply grunted with unrestrained pleasure. Brian's hand snaked around Justin's thigh and he simply covered Justin's hard member with it, not moving it, just letting Justin feel the heat. Justin tried to move against it, to generate the friction he so desperately wanted, but Brian lifted his hand just a little. Justin understood all too well the rules of this game and stopped moving; when he was still again Brian put his hand back down. Justin fought the urge to grind against it, knowing it would be counterproductive to his goals at this point.

Brian's tongue continued it's little dance for a while until he couldn't torture the boy any further.

He moved slowly, taking Justin back into his mouth, sliding his lips all the way down the shaft and back up again, and then raised his body over Justin, offering Justin's mouth a finger. Justin took it and sucked it as if it were Brian's cock, and then Brian offered him a second, and Justin understood, he sucked on them until Brian slowly put a third finger into Justin's mouth and Justin tried to hold back as he considered what was to come.

Brian's wet fingers moved down his side, and Justin lifted his hips and Brian moved them along his ass, and slowly he pushed one inside. Brian's mouth was back on the head of Justin's dick, sucking hard, but only at the head, his tongue running along the ridge, making painfully beautiful swirls on the sensitive flesh. Brian's fingers were deep inside Justin now, and Justin's hips were riding them, as Brian's mouth opened and he let Justin thrust against the back of his throat, all the while fucking himself on Brian's fingers. Justin's rhythm increased as his passion did until he couldn't hold back any longer. When Brian felt the change in rhythm his free hand began to gently fondle Justin's balls, caressing them with deft fingers until Justin shot into his mouth, and he swallowed, continuing the movements of both hands, letting Justin come hard and long.

When he felt Justin's body relax, the entire body now looking like it was melting, he pulled off of him. Justin wanted to turn, to curl up against Brian but he wasn't sure he could move, his legs were still shaking, his body so relaxed he felt boneless.

He turned his head and looked at Brian, who had a very satisfied grin on his face. Justin smiled back and Brian leaned in to kiss him.

As Brian moved to get closer to Justin, the blonde realized that Brian was still hard. He moved his body to get in better position to reciprocate the sensations Brian had just provided him, but Brian shook his head, moving his hand slowly down his own chest, Justin just watched with passion darkened eyes as Brian brought himself to orgasm, shooting against his own chest. "This one was all for you Justin." He whispered and Justin knew that here, in this moment, he'd found perfection.

Lindsay was walking outside with Gus, listening to him ramble on about the exciting new adventures of Sam and Shelby when her phone rang. It was Melanie.

"Don't hang up."  
Lindsay sighed, "What do you want?"  
"I want to talk. Just to talk."

"About what?"  
"About us."

"There is no us anymore Mel, there can't be."  
Melanie's heart constricted at the resigned tone in Lindsay's voice as much as at the words, "There will always be an us because we have a family."

"Mel, I…"

"Lindsay I'm sorry, and I know that nothing I say will make what happened okay, but this can't go on, we need to be able to talk, I miss you and I miss the kids."

"You get them every other weekend."

"That's hardly the same."

"Mel, what do you want me to say?"  
"Nothing, I don't want you to say anything, I just wanted to know if maybe we could…"

"Could what Mel?"

"Could be friends."

Lindsay considered the words carefully. "I miss you Mel."  
"Can we meet, somewhere public, just you and me?"

"Not today, maybe later in the week."

"Whenever you say, I just want to see you."

Lindsay nodded, and then realized how silly it was to nod at a phone. "Do you want to talk to Gus?"  
"Of course."

"It's momma." Lindsay said as she handed the phone to Gus, who started the entire story about Shelby, the lizard, Sam and the ocean all over again.

They continued to walk across the grass, JR on Lindsay's hip, Gus chattering away to his momma and Lindsay deep in thought.

Michael and Ben had to admit that they were impressed with what Ted and Blake had done with the place in such a short time. The floor plan was exactly the same as Deb's but somehow they made it feel spacious and modern. The walls were all neutral shades of sand and beige, the kitchen had been completely redone in updated stainless steel appliances and Light marble countertops. They'd replaced all of the carpeting throughout the downstairs with a light hardwood that made the rooms flow together.

The furniture was contemporary but not obnoxiously so, (at least that's how Ted put it).

The second bedroom had been converted into a study with cherry barrister bookcases and a large desk with state of the art computer equipment. Blake, it turns out was a bit of computer geek. There were actually two machines and two work areas because the least compatible thing about Blake and Ted were their computer preferences. Ted had always been a Mac user and Blake swore by his PC, and thus rather than try to compromise, after several heated debates, each had agreed to simply accept that the other was a freak, and created the two computer spaces.

The true owner of the house was Blue. The dog was protective of her house and owners and spoiled rotten. Michael and Ben found it cute, and obnoxious at the same time.

"So Justin just started breaking all the dishes for no reason?" Ted asked, "Wow, that must have pissed Brian off."

"He didn't look pissed." Ben said, "He looked fucking terrified."

"Brian, terrified? I don't believe it."

"Trust me Ted." Michael interjected, "I've seen Brian angry, this wasn't anger."

"Well, Christ, is Justin okay?"  
Ben shrugged. "I guess we would have heard if he wasn't"

"Unless Brian is just pacing back and forth in a hospital refusing to call anyone"

"Michael, stop that, Brian would call if something were really wrong."  
"Would he?"

Ben and Ted both seemed to consider the question for a moment.

"He wasn't scheduled to be in the office today, cause they would have just been coming back from New York last night, but he's got a meeting with the Rapkins people tomorrow, I guess I can ask him if he's okay then."

"Ask him if he's okay?" Blake said, "Would he give you an honest answer."  
They all looked at each other and in unison said "no."  
And then they laughed.

"Brian's been through worse than this with Justin, he'll be okay."  
"Ben, you didn't see him when Justin was hurt, and that was before he admitted he even liked the kid, he was a wreck. What's he gonna do if Justin really isn't okay, send the kid packing and then go back to slowly killing himself?"

"Michael, I don't think he'd do that."

"Ben, I know Brian, he'd do that."

"I really don't think so Michael, I mean Brian and Justin seem to be in a different place now."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Michael, is there anything Brian and Justin could do that would make you happy?"  
"Well, Justin left for New York, that was a good start."

All three of them just stared at Michael. "Do you remember how Brian was while Justin was away?"

Michael pouted, "I just don't see what he sees in the little twink."

Ben laughed. "I think he's gone beyond twink status at this point honey, they've been together for almost six years now, and Justin is an accomplished artist in his own right, did you see the article on him in the paper? He's not in need of Brian's money, that's for sure."

Michael just grumbled. And Ben leaned in and pulled Michael forward for a kiss, "Why don' t you let Brian and Justin worry about Brian and Justin and you and I can find something else to worry about, I'll even let it be your choice."

Michael gave a half smile, "I can pick anything I want to worry about?"  
"Sure."

"Well okay then." And the subject moved off of Brian and Justin and on to far more interesting topics, like Ted and Blake's consideration of showing Bluebonnet in the local dog show.

Justin woke up in a panic, but as he swung his legs to get out of bed he realized that there was nowhere to go. It still hurt to walk, some of the cuts on his feet had been pretty deep, and he was still pretty tired.

Brian walked into the room with a tray. "You're up."

Justin took a deep breath. "Woke up scared."

"Are you okay now?"

"Yeah, I think, just thought I'd try this new honesty thing."

"I like it."

Justin shrugged. "Besides, I'm stuck in bed cause of my stupid feet."

"It's not your feet that are stupid."

Brian had been up for about an hour, and had used his time productively. He'd picked up the prescriptions at the nearest pharmacy, and then swept up the mess in the kitchen. He'd even managed to get rid of most of the blood in the foyer before making a couple of sandwiches.

"Here" he said, motioning with the tray "I brought you breakfast in bed."

"It's 7:30 at night"

"So it's a late breakfast."

Brian put the tray down on the bed and sat on the other side of it.

Justin looked at the sandwiches dubiously "what are the odds I'm gonna be able to get out of eating this?"  
"If you want something else I can order pizza or Chinese."

"That's not what I meant."

"The last thing I remember you eating was pizza, the night before last. So the odds of you not eating anything are nil."  
"I'm really not hungry."

"I understand that, but new rules say it doesn't matter, you have to eat."

Justin picked up the top piece of bread from the sandwich and inspected the contents.

"It's turkey, just eat it."

Justin ate the bread in his hand, and Brian decided that for now, that would do.

"I picked up those prescriptions the that Dr. McKenzie ordered." Brian moved to the foot of the bed. "You're supposed to put this on your feet knees and hand."  
Brian began applying the antibacterial stuff to Justin's feet, which made him giggle. "Brian! That tickles."

"Sorry sunshine, doctor's orders."

He tried to be careful but Justin's feet were extraordinarily ticklish and the blonde was giggling by the time he was applying the stuff to his knees.

"Christ, you really did a number on yourself."

"Well, I guess I don't do things half way."

"Nope, that was a full-blown meltdown."

"It was stupid."

"Stupid happens." Brian shrugged.

Justin was eating the sandwich in component pieces. He would nibble on a slice of tomato, and then move on to a slice of turkey. Brian didn't care how he ate it, so long as he ate.

Once his knees were done Brian sat up on the bed and took a bite of the sandwich he'd made for himself. "Hey."

Justin looked up questioningly.

"You gonna be able to keep this down?"  
"I'll try."

"Do you realize that you've lost over 20 lbs in a little more than 3 months."

"Some people would kill to be able to do that."  
"And some people can die from doing that."

"Brian I'm not gonna die."

"Not if I have anything to say about it, but I gotta ask you a question."

Justin just looked at him.

"Was this ever on purpose, were you making yourself sick?"  
"What?"  
"The whole eating thing, was it a control thing or…"

"I am not anorexic if that's what you're asking."

Brian just shrugged, he believed Justin, but so much of the research he'd done had pointed to the possibility he felt like he had to ask. "Are you lying to me?"  
"Didn't I promise not to lie anymore?"  
"Yeah, but it's such a longstanding habit with us."

"You know, I'm beginning to not like this whole 'new honesty' thing."

"You'd better get used to it, because I'm not letting anything like this happen again."

"You do know that you're probably blowing this whole thing out of proportion, I mean you could be accused of queening out over it."

"Yeah well you weren't there."

Justin took a deep breath, "I guess maybe I wasn't."  
Justin finished half of the sandwich and pushed the rest away, "Brian I really can't…"

"Okay, half is fine for now, you'll be back up to your insatiable appetite eventually"

Justin laughed, there are still some things I have an insatiable appetite for, and he leaned over Brian, as if to kiss him, but at the last minute grabbed his bottle of beer from the nightstand and downed most of the bottle in a single pull.

Brian laughed.

"C'mon, I'll take you downstairs and we can watch a movie or something."

"You can't carry me around, it's pathetic."

"Well, you're not walking on my hardwood floors with that goop all over your feet."

"So get me a pair of socks."

Brian handed a pair of socks and drawstring sweatpants to Justin. Justin pulled them on slowly, obviously still a little sore. Brian scooped him up and carried him to the den, while he protested, but not very adamantly.

They spent the rest of the eveneing arguing over weather Luke and Leia ever had sex with each other, Brian believed that they did before they knew they were brother and sister, but Justin found it too squicky to contemplate and thus disagreed.

It was well after midnight before Brian handed Justin an Ambien.

Justin wrinkled his nose at it. "I don't want it."

"I wasn't asking if you did."

"I'll sleep fine."

"I'm taking the word fine out of your vocabulary, you're no longer allowed to use it."

"You can't just ban random words from my vocabulary."

"Sure I can, here's a few, Fine, Sorry and Perfect." All three, gone."

"Well, your Perfect cock is going to be sorry that it will never be granted entrance into my fine ass again if you're going to be that way."

Brian laughed, "You really want to play that game?"  
"No. But I don't want you to get to power hungry with this whole rules thing either."

"Okay, very few more rules, but taking your prescribed medication is one of them."

Brian put the pill on his tongue and wiggled it leaning in for a kiss.

Justin looked at him "that's gross."

Brian kissed him, passing the pill into Justin's mouth. "Gross?"

"It's more fun with E"

"Well, we'll try that on a day when standing isn't more than you can handle."

"Brian."

"Mmmmmm?"

"If I sleep tonight to I have to take one tomorrow too?"  
"We'll see."

"Is that just what you're saying so you don't have to argue with me anymore?"  
"We'll see."  
"You're enjoying this power thing way too much."

"We'll see" Brian raised his eyebrows suggestively. He stood up, and carried his sunshine to bed.

Brian went back downstairs to give himself a much-needed respite. He'd been on an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of days, and while he could keep a strong outward appearance most of the time, eventually he just needed some "Brian time". He wasn't at all sure he was up to the task he'd committed himself to, but he knew he wasn't up to the task of losing Justin and so of the two, he picked the one that seemed easier. Didn't make it actually easy though.

He lit a joint and sat in the dark, contemplating what to do next. It was a couple hours later that he finally slid into bed, Justin was sleeping hard, but not so hard that he didn't curl up around Brian as soon as he was under the covers.

The next morning Brian had come to no conclusions except that he needed to take some time off. He called Cynthia. "Have the Rapkins people talk to Ted, and Bruce, he's doing the buying for the TV spots anyway, and clear my calendar, I won't be back 'til the 20th." "Brian that's 10 days."

"Wow, thanks, I was really having trouble with the math"

"Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine."

"Is Justin okay?"

"Justin will be okay, I just need some fucking time off, can you do that?"  
"Fine."  
Cynthia hung up the phone and he thanked god that she was able to shrug off his moods after all these years, or he'd have spent a fucking fortune in flowers.

Justin had caught the last half of the call. "You're taking ten days off, can you do that?"  
"No, my boss will probably fire me."  
Justin hit Brian with a pillow.

He swatted it away. "It's either that or I have to hire some big beefy nurse to carry you around the house…your choice."

"Would he be hot?"  
"No SHE wouldn't"  
"So, you or nurse Ratchet, hmmmm."

Brian hit him with a pillow again, "Shut up and tell me what you want for breakfast."

"I…"

Brian gave him a sharp look.

Justin sighed, "Cereal's fine."

Brian nodded and brought him a bowl of froot loops. Mocking him the entire time he ate them for both the name and the ridiculous colors that it turned the milk. "Only a fucking faggot would want pink milk for breakfast."

"I didn't want pink milk, I wasn't hungry"

"For a guy who's not hungry you sure are scarfing it down."

"Well I wasn't hungry, then the fruity goodness got to me."

"You realize there's no actual fruit or anything resembling fruit anywhere near that cereal right?"  
"Mmmmmm hmmm, your point?"

Brian just rolled his eyes. "So, what do you want to do today?'

"Promise you won't get mad?"

"No."

"Then I'm not telling you."

"Fine" Brian rolled his eyes, "I won't get mad."

"I want to go through the stuff in the boxes. And why do you get to use the word fine if I don't?"

"Because I haven't abused the privilege. And no, we're not going through those boxes today. We will, but not today. What's your issue with those fucking boxes?"

"What's yours? I'd think you'd want to get your stuff put away."

"It is, it's put away neatly in all those boxes."

This time it was Justin who rolled his eyes. "Can you at least promise we'll do it before you go back to the office?'

"No."

"We will."

Brian just ignored him.

They invited Lindsay over for the day, explaining that with Justin laid up he could probably use the company.

Lindsay arrived a little after ten with JR. Gus wouldn't be home from school until one, and then she promised to make them lunch, which was a great relief to Brian who had used up his entire cooking repertoire with the sandwiches and cereal.

Lindsay met Gus at the bus stop and brought him back to visit with his dad and Justin.

Gus made them watch the Empire Strikes Back again, and Lindsay agreed with Brian about Luke and Leia, which made Justin realize why it was the two had become such good friends in the first place. Once Gus fell asleep for his afternoon nap, which, he swore he was too old for until the moment his head hit the pillow, and JR was put down for a nap as well. Brian and Lindsay regaled Justin with stories of the insane people they'd roomed with in college.

Justin loved to hear about Brian when he was younger; it made him feel somehow closer to him to think that he had once been a stupid kid, almost as stupid as Justin had been when he first met Brian.

Eventually Lindsay took the kids home for dinner and baths and Brian and Justin entered into a marathon game of monopoly that ended with Justin owning everything and Brian naked.

Chapter 22

After five days together Brian and Justin were both sick. They were sick of strip monopoly, sick of strip trivial pursuit, (although Brian was surprised at how much useless knowledge the punk kid had in his head), and almost sick of each other.

The men were debating between Chinese and Pizza, and they were definitely sick of both of those options, but Justin still wasn't okay standing for more than a few minutes at a time, which made cooking impossible. Lindsay was usually there to help with lunch, but they'd eaten just about everything edible in the house, and were out of ideas for dinner. Justin tried to say something about skipping dinner entirely but Brian's face made him stop mid sentence. He wasn't in the mood to argue, he'd eat something, even if he couldn't hold it down. It was still an effort.

They were arguing over nothing in particular when the doorbell rang.

"Mikey, so nice of you to stop by, uninvited."

"Well, we figured you would be sick of all your take out options so we brought you Burgers, and Fried chicken." Michael raised the greasy bags and the chicken bucket enthusiastically.

"And Thai" Ben said, leaning in with a bag.

"Mikey, how _nice_ of you to stop by uninvited." this time there was no sarcasm in Brian's voice, and he moved to allow the couple entrance.

They followed him to the den.

"Well, if you brought the Thai food then let me provide…"

Brian went into a drawer in his desk and removed the silver canister with a flourish

"The Thai stick."  
They laughed, and spread the food out on the coffee table while Brian expertly rolled a couple of joints.

He took a toke and passed it to Michael who inhaled deeply and tried to stop coughing. "Shit, this is strong."

Brian said nothing but honestly wished that Mikey would remember that he only bought the good shit. Michael always ended up wasting the first toke. Michael passed it to Ben and Brian raised an eyebrow as he watched the professor take a healthy amount into his lungs. "Why professor, I didn't know you indulged."

"I'm not this paragon of virtue you all seem to think." Ben said smiling, as he passed the joint to Justin, who inhaled deeply and then passed it back to Brian.

Brian took a hit, and then another before passing it along, the second hit he shared with Justin, who shared it right back, until there was very little smoke to exhale.

Brian loved getting stoned that way, more than just the almost kiss was the fact that the amount of oxygen one took in from someone else's exhale just made the buzz hit faster and stronger.

"You know." Ben started, "there are entire religions based around the use of marijuana to achieve a feeling of closeness and openness to the world around them."

Brian snorted, "Yeah, that's why I get stoned, to be one with the world."

"You get stoned because then you don't feel guilty about eating fried chicken." Michael said.  
"That too."

Soon they were all baked, and digging into the billions of calories spread across the table.

Ben was sitting next to Justin now, and trying to explain to him the importance of being balanced and centered. Brian was lounging on the floor, Michael leaning against him. "You know you're boyfriend's full of shit."

"He's my husband."  
"You know your husband's full of shit."

"Yeah, I do." Michael laughed,

"You know your twink is a drama princess."

"He's my…Justin."

"You know your Justin's a drama princess."

"Yeah I do, I think he may have even graduated to drama queen last week."

Justin, hearing his name turned, and when he heard the last part of the sentence he stuck his tongue out at Brian, which struck the man as so funny he had a difficult time not laughing.

Justin decided that if anyone could settle the argument about Luke and Leia, it would be Michael, so he brought up the subject. Which led to a long monologue by Michael about the force and how Luke would have instinctually known it wasn't right between himself and Leia, and then he was putting in the DVD to illustrate his point with specific scenes. Which only made Brian glare at Justin, until they both started laughing.

Ben was still trying to prattle on about some deep spiritual bullshit but he got sidetracked by the idea of oneness with everything and started to go off on a tangent about oneness with people being different than oneness with inanimate objects or animals. Ben wasn't making any sense, but Justin found it oddly calming to just listen to his voice, maybe it was because he's heard no one's voice but Brian's in so long.

"I've got it!"  
Brian yelled and Justin startled.

"Do you have syphilis again?' Justin asked, because if you do…" he waggled a finger at Brian.

Brian dismissed Justin's finger waggling with a glance. "I know what we should do with the dungeon."

"You have a dungeon?" Ben asked.

"We have a parlor, but he likes to call it the dungeon, I think we should make it a library."

Brian threw down a piece of chicken, "if I keep eating like this I'm gonna get all old and fat, we need to build a gym."

"Yeah, but we should put it in the unfinished room in the attic, or finish out that part of the basement, we can't turn the parlor into a gym."  
"Why not?"  
Justin shrugged, "it'd be tacky."

"You think I'm tacky?" Brian tried to look hurt, he was honestly too stoned to be anything other than amused.

"No I think…." Justin was seriously stoned, "fuck, I don't remember what I think, but if it'll get you to go through those boxes, I'll say okay to a gym."

"We'll just put the boxes in the attic."

"What boxes?" Michael asked.

"Brian's loft is in the parlor."  
"I thought Brian's loft was here in the den." Ben said.

"No, this is _loftesque_. The actual stuff from his loft is in the parlor, and he won't go through the boxes."

"There's probably some really cool shit in there." Michael said.

"Nothing I need." Brian shrugged.

Michael rolled over so he was lying almost on top of Brian. "Brian, that's your stuff, from your home, you're just willing to give up all of that?"

"Mikey, its just stuff, that I don't think about until blonde boy over here starts nagging."

"I don't nag, that's your department." Brian stuck his tongue firmly in his cheek and smiled. "You nag, you just don't do it as well as I do."  
"Pfft, you just think that you nag better because you think you do everything better."

"Not everything, you're a much better…bottom."

Michael, in his hazy state of mind caught a nuance of this "better? As in you've compared?"  
"What?" Brian looked at Mikey. "Well if he's better then you must know how you'd do so when do you ever bottom huh?"  
Justin smiled, wanting to se how Brian got himself out of this one, and Brian suddenly wondered when Michael had become insightful… he'd have to keep the good shit away from Mikey if he was going to actually start getting a clue when he was stoned.

"In college" Brian said, rolling his eyes.

Justin bit his lip, he would love to argue the point but if he ever ever ever wanted to fuck Brian again, he knew he could say nothing.

"Oh" Michael said, letting the subject drop. Brian heard a sort of low murmuring sound, and realized Ben was still talking, at length, to no one in particular. "Christ, no wonder he's tenured, anyone who can go on for that long about nothing must be a brilliant professor."

Now it was Michael's turn to laugh uncontrollably. When he finally pulled himself together he said "well, he has equally good stamina in bed, so I just ignore him when he starts rambling."

Brian nodded knowingly. "I agree, when they start rambling in bed, it's best just to ignore them or shut them up."

"Hey!" Justin said, "I don't ramble."

"No, you babble."

"I don't babble either."

"So then, Daph and I were going to the mall but she forgot all her money and my wallet was in the car but when we were checking out the stuff at banana republic we came across this killer sweater and I wanted it but she said it was better for her and then…." Brian rambled in a poor imitation of Justin, using a falsetto voice and a speaking manner more like Gus's than Justin's.

Justin threw a pillow at his head. "Like you never say odd things in bed."

Brian gave him a warning look.

"What does he say?" Ben asked, pulled out of his little diatribe on the condition of the hybrid potato crops.

Brian looked at Justin, waiting to see what he would reveal, as he casually took another hit, without removing his hazel eyes from the blue ones across the room.

Justin shrugged. "Nothing, he just mumbles grocery lists and random advertising mottos in his sleep." Brian smiled; sometimes having a …Justin who could lie well was handy.

Michael shrugged, taking another hit before passing the weed back to Ben. "That's nothing, I've heard him rattle off the entire starting lineup for the Steelers."

"When did I do that?"  
"One of those nights after seeing your dad."

Brian shrugged again. My dad would never shut up about the Steelers, it's like he never got over that time during the war when there weren't enough men so the Steelers and the Eagles had to merge. He talked about it like it was the fucking end of the world."

Brian sat up, reaching for something…he finally found it and took a long pull off a bottle of beam.

Justin was going to say something about not drinking right out of the bottle but decided against it and went back to slouching, eyes half closed, and letting Michael and Brian reminisce.

They did it oddly, Michael bringing up stories, Brian correcting his version of them, and then the two of them agreeing, seemingly only upon who they hated in school, (everybody), who they had thought was hot, (Patrick Hannigan and Tony Rinaldi), and which teachers were gay (the gym coach and their 11th grade science teacher).

Justin was trying to pay attention but he couldn't. "I need chocolate." He said, getting up to go and find his stash in the studio. Brian would never admit it, but he couldn't resist chocolate, and so every time Justin bought any it was gone, that's when he'd started locking it in the studio fridge.

The minute he stood up he realized it had been a mistake. A pain shot through his foot. He sat back down.

Brian looked at him suddenly concerned "Are we out of chocolate?"

Justin laughed, "No, it's in the studio fridge."

"Give me the key."

Justin shrugged "I think I left it upstairs."

Brian sighed "fine." He got up and walked over to a videocassette box that was in the drawer under the TV. The case was for the movie "chocolat."

"Um Brian, I wanted actual chocolate, not a movie about a guy who eats chocolate, even if it is Johnny Depp."

Brian just looked at him and opened the case to reveal ghiardhelli dark and milk chocolate squares."  
"You hide chocolate from me?"

"You lock YOURS in the studio."

"That's because you eat all of it if I don't."

"You're the one that eats all the chocolate, that's why I hide mine from you."

"I can't believe you're keeping chocolate secrets, that's just so wrong."

"And I can't believe you won't share your hazelnut milk chocolate bars with me, and keep them locked away, that's wronger."

"Wronger isn't a word."

They two continued to bicker until Ben broke in.

"Hey, hey hey! You two are missing the most important point."

Both Brian and Justin looked towards Ben.  
"There _is_ chocolate."

They both laughed, and Brian poured the silver and gold wrapped squares over the coffee table. They all leaned in to take one, and Brian padded up to the kitchen, retrieve glasses and the gray goose from the freezer. Some people insisted that chocolate went with milk; Brian knew better, chocolate required ice-cold vodka to be savored properly.

When they awoke the next morning they were both a little hung over.

"Last night was nice, it's good to see you and Michael getting along again." Justin said

"I think he may have actually grown up."

"Right because that was the problem HE was too immature."

"Are you calling me immature?"

"Take it as a compliment."  
"Whatever, I'm just glad Michael is off your case."

"Uggggh, I so don't feel like getting out of bed."

"We don't have to."

Justin moved himself against Brian, savoring the feel of their skin against each other. "Mmmmmm, you're right we don't. I don't actually even remember coming to bed last night."

"That's because you took your Ambien with a double vodka, and I had to carry you."

"Sorry."

"You're not allowed to use that word."

"I apologize" he made each syllable distinct."

Brian kissed the top of Justin's head, because it was the part of him closest to his mouth at the moment. "I think the gym idea was actually a good one though"

"I still think it should be in the attic room."  
"Fine, but I want to get started, I can't just skip the gym for weeks every time you have a breakdown."

Justin leaned up on one arm and looked at Brian. "Do you really think I'm gonna have another breakdown?"  
Brian shrugged, I'm just saying IF you did, I'd hate to get fat because of it, or lose my muscle tone."

Justin settled back onto Brian's chest. "So who does one call when one wants a state of the art work out facility installed into their home?"

"One does NOT call Gregory, I don't need all my equipment to be color coordinated and named after fruits and vegetables."

"I'll do some research today after I'm done in the studio."

"The studio?"  
"Yeah, it's been a while, and I really should start back to work, you know, there is the possibility that my things will sell enough to warrant a second show sometime in my life."

"But you're not gonna do that thing again right?"  
"What thing?"  
Brian rolled his eyes, "That thing where you almost kill yourself."

"Oh, that thing…no, I tried that, it pissed a lot of people off."

"Okay you go work in the studio, I'll research what we need for a good home gym."

They both continued to lay in bed, neither moving.

"You know, I think we actually have to get out of bed to do those things."

Brian rolled over on top of Justin, "then fuck the research and the studio."

Justin leaned up to kiss Brian, and was still amazed that even his hangover morning breath tasted sexy.

Hours later Justin went to the studio, his feet feeling a little better. He sat down and contemplated his next piece.

Brian tried to pretend that he was okay with Justin being in the studio again, he knew he should be, but he was still worried. He idly scrolled through the Williams Sonoma site until he found the pattern they had and ordered more dishes; he'd been meaning to do that for almost a week.

He really did think putting a gym in the house was a good idea, but he just couldn't summon the energy to even start researching the project. He was deciding what the first step should even be when the phone rang.

"Were you even going to tell me something was wrong?"  
"Mother Taylor?"  
"Don't play cute with me Brian, let me talk to Justin."

"He's in the studio."

"Just go get him."

Brian knocked on the door, but Justin probably couldn't hear it, the music was blaring. He tried the knob. It was unlocked. Surprised, he walked in and handed Justin the phone, It's your mother, she's pissed.

"Hi mom."  
"Don't hi mom me, when were you going to tell me?"  
"Tell you what?"

"I was talking to Daphne and apparently you've been sick and didn't bother to even let me know."  
"I haven't been sick, I had…" Justin wasn't sure what he'd had.

"I was exhausted, and I guess the pressure of the show got to me."

"Exhaustion does not cause you to require stitches in your hand, or for Brian to take ten days off to take care of you."

"He took off because he wanted a vacation."

"Justin don't bullshit me, I'm your mother."  
"Really? I'd forgotten." Justin was trying for glib, Jennifer was in no mood.

"I'm coming over to see you today."

"Today's not good, I'm working."

"I thought you were taking time off."

"I took time off, now I'm back working."

Jennifer sighed, "Justin sweetie, I worry about you."

"I'm fine, I promise."  
"Why don't we meet for lunch tomorrow."  
Justin's heart felt tight, his breathing shallowed. "Not tomorrow, we've got plans."

"Well, then Sunday lets have brunch."

"Okay why don't you bring what's his name here, we'll have brunch, you'll see I'm fine."

Jennifer was silent for a moment.

"Mom?"  
"What's his name and I aren't together anymore."

"Good"

"Justin."  
"Right, I'm supposed to be upset by this. Lets pretend I am."

"Justin!"

"What do you want me to say?"  
"Say that 11 is good for brunch."

"11 is good for brunch."

"See you on Sunday."

Justin limping only slightly brought the phone back to Brian. "We're having my mother for brunch the day after tomorrow."

"Sunday brunch with the in-laws, how…"

"It's just her, she broke up with that kid."

Brian chuckled, "I can not believe you have an age issue thing after your mother was most un-mom like about you and your gross old boyfriend."

"No one ever thought you were gross or old."  
"Right they just thought I was 'inappropriate"

Justin shrugged "You were, but that's why you're so very irresistible"

Brian rolled his eyes, you know cute and flattering isn't going to make me feel better about brunch with the mother in law."

"What would make you feel better about it?" Justin asked absently as he looked over Brian's shoulder at the gym equipment on the screen. "I like that one." Justin pointed.

"Good to know, and what would make me feel better is not having to be here."

"You don't, she's mad at me for not calling after the um…thing"

"Thing?"

The thing where I broke all the plates and lost my mind"

"Oh, that thing, yeah, you probably should have called her, you're a terrible son."

Justin laughed, "Fuck you, she's madder at you."

"Oh, then I'll definitely stay for brunch, nothing beats eggs benedict and nagging, they're a magnificent combination."  
"Shut up I'm gonna make a quiche."

"Well yeah, quiche and nagging complement each other well, um, what were you planning on using for plates."

"That's kinda why I'm out here, we need to go back to the store."  
"I just ordered them online, they'll be here next week."

"Brian we've been eating off of paper plates all week, or out of take out boxes, I can not serve my mother brunch on paper plates."

"Can you serve her out of a takeout box?"  
"You know where there are probably dishes?"  
Brian gave him a warning glance, knowing where he was headed with this. "Where?"  
Justin leaned in and nibbled on Brian's ear, whispering "In the parlor."

"Fuck you" Brian swatted him away. "Go back to the studio, I'll go buy us a fucking box of dishes, but now we're going to have service for 16, and that's just overkill."

Brian grabbed his keys and his wallet and headed to the garage.

Justin went back to the studio, he was going to stretch a canvas for a large piece, he felt like it had been years rather than just days since he'd last been in the place, but that was also because sometime in the past week Brian had let the Magdalena in and everything was so neat, all the overflowing ashtrays and empty water bottles were gone.

The room was dusted, and everything was put where it belonged. Justin lit a cigarette, grabbed a bottle of water and locked the door. He lost himself in thought as he stretched the canvas. Brian obviously had some issue about the boxes, or what was in them, and Justin was too curious to let it drop, but he wasn't sure how far he could push him right now. He'd put him through a lot since they'd been back together. On the other hand, he really thought a library would go well in that space. Much better than some dusty old boxes full of god knows what.

Justin pulled the quiche out of the oven; his feet practically healed now. He was cutting up some fruit, and pouring the juice from the carton into a pitcher when the doorbell rang.

Brian opened the door to an ambush.

Justin served the food and they were all sitting and eating in silence when Debbie started. "When the fuck were you going to tell us?"

"Deb," Jennifer put a hand on her arm,

"No, fuck respecting their privacy, Brian, you should have told us."

Brian had been waiting for the outburst, the moment he saw Deb at door with Jennifer he knew that this may be more of a lynching than a brunch. He would have left if he didn't think that they'd simply jump on Justin instead, and while he seemed to be recovering, Brian wasn't sure how much double team mothering Justin was up for, so he threw himself on the grenade.

"I had it under control." He said keeping his expression blank.

"Brian, no one doubts that you think you can control everything but I'm his mother, I had a right to know."

"What was I supposed to do Jen?"

"Well, you could have tried a fucking phone call asshole" Deb broke in "I had to hear it second hand from Ben."

"So are you worried about Justin or just pissed off that you were out of the loop?"  
"Both!"

"Honestly Brian" Jen cut in "you could have called. I would have been happy to help."

Brian rolled his eyes, "I was busy."  
"Busy taking care of Justin. I'm his mother, I could have helped."

Justin sat in silence toying with the food on his plate. "I'm fine."

"Oh sweetheart we know you're fine now, but we're still worried. I was thinking maybe you should go see a counselor."

Brian's watched Justin react, he withdrew into himself. Brian had brought up the idea of making an appointment with a counselor earlier in the week, and had been making some progress towards getting Justin to agree. All of his progress disappeared the second Jennifer mentioned it.

"I'm not going to see a counselor, I'm doing just F…" he glanced over at Brian. "I'm doing very well thank you all for caring." Justin's voice was cold and clipped.

"Hell Sunshine, you'll be great, your stronger than anyone gives you credit for." Deb broke in.

"I still think maybe you need to see a professional." Jennifer said softly.

"Mother Taylor" Brian said, trying to keep his voice neutral. "Why don't you just drop the counselor thing, it's Justin's decision."

Jennifer sighed, but dropped the subject, recognizing that she'd hit a nerve.

And with that both Debbie and Jen turned their attention back to Brian.

Almost ten minutes later Justin couldn't take it anymore, Brian's patience was coming to an end, all the warning signs were there, his eyes dark, his jaw clenched and his expression blank, and getting more bland by the second. Everyone was so sure that he was crazy, that he was some little kid who couldn't take care of himself. How did this become Brian's fault, he was the one who fucked up. Justin pushed himself away from the table.

"I'm fine! Brian's the reason I'm fine, maybe the only reason, and the two of you can't leave him alone. Why don't you leave us alone, just leave!"

Justin was almost crying, when he stormed off.

The scene struck a painfully familiar chord with Brian who followed Justin upstairs.

He found him sitting on the edge of the bed, crying, his body shaking. Brian put the violent thoughts about what he'd like to do to Deb and Jennifer to the back of his head as he sat down next to Justin. "You here?"

Justin looked up, wiping his eyes with the edge of his sweater. "What? Oh, yeah, I'm here."  
"Mothers, they just never give up."

Justin gave a half smile "Why do they always blame you?"

"Cause it's usually my fault?"  
"Oh yeah, I forgot abut that."

"Twat." Brian pulled Justin against his side, "you want me to get rid of them?"

"You know they're not going to leave until they see I'm okay."

"I can get rid of them."

"Brian you can't have my mother and Deb killed."

"Are you sure, I mean, I know people, who know people."  
Justin laughed again, leaning up to kiss Brian, "I'm fairly certain I don't want them whacked."

Brian leaned back against the bed, and Justin crawled on top of him, his need apparent in his every move and kiss.

Within moments, he pulled off his sweater, and then began to tug on Brian's. Brian raised his arms over his head to assist the blonde. Soon Justin was kissing down Brian's chest, nibbling and sucking on his abdomen, watching his muscles contract as he continued to kiss him.

Brian moaned, and pulled Justin back up to his mouth, grinding himself against the smaller man, feeling him respond with enthusiasm.

Justin climbed over Brian grabbing a condom out of the drawer, he returned, straddling Brian, and undid the man's fly. When Brian's cock was free of his pants, Justin opened the condom wrapper with his teeth, and slid it onto Brian's stiff member.

Then he raised himself up on his knees, not feeling any residual pain, focusing on nothing but his immediate need, and as soon as he had lowered his pants enough he impaled himself on Brian, leaning forward to kiss him, and then sitting back up and riding him with an urgency they both felt. Before long Justin had his fist around himself, Brian's fingers intertwined with his as he came. Brian felt Justin's body convulse, and watched as he threw his head back in release, the tears gone, his eyes wide and his lips parted and red.

Brian came just moments afterwards as he thrust again into Justin.

It took another minute for Justin's breathing to return to normal. He leaned in and kissed Brian again, murmuring, "thank you" into his ear.

When they came back down to the dining room they both looked a little rumpled, but far more relaxed. Brian smiled and took his seat; Justin cleared the plates and took requests for coffee or tea.

As he was making the coffee Brian kept ear to the kitchen, but allowed the two women to chastise him a little longer before he interrupted them. "Justin's doing his best, he just needs time, sorry if you feel left out but he's a grown man, if he wanted to tell his mommy, he would have."

Jennifer opened her mouth to reply but Brian interrupted her. "Excuse me while I go help Justin with the coffee."

Deb looked at Jennifer and shrugged, "he's got a point, Sunshine is a grown man."

"He's still my son."

"And you know I feel like he's mine too but what are you going to do? He's got Brian, he's always gonna turn to Brian.'

"You told me once Brian would finish with him."

"I was wrong, Brian's grown up recently too if you haven't noticed, they kinda grew up together."

Jennifer sighed, "He's still my little boy."

"I know."

They sat in silence listening to the muffled clatter of dishes in the kitchen.

"You don't think that they…." Jennifer trailed off.  
"What, did a little fucking and sucking while they were upstairs? If they didn't Brian's changed more than I thought he could."

Jennifer rested her head in her hands, "Am I ever gonna get used to this?"  
Deb shrugged, "I don't know, but if you don't, you'll never get to see your son, and is that what you really want."  
Face still in her hands Jennifer shook her head, and then straightened her shoulders and met Justin's smile with one of her own when he and Brian returned with the coffee.

"Brian, I'm sorry, I do trust you, and sweetie…" she turned her attention to Justin, "I just worry about you, I'm a mom, it's what I do."

Justin walked around the table and kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

He leaned over and kissed Deb as well, "both of you."

While Justin and Brian were facing the wrath of the mothers at brunch, Lindsay was dealing with her own issues, having agreed to meet Melanie for lunch. She left Gus with Michael and Ben, who were already watching JR and drove to the restaurant Mel had chosen, unsure of what to expect, or what she was going to say.

Chapter 23

The restaurant was quiet, so were Mel and Lindsay. Neither wanted to be the first one to speak.

The waiter left the breadsticks and poured the wine they'd ordered, as they continued to sit in silence, studying their hands, the menu, the fringe on the curtain pull, anything to avoid eye contact.

"I'm sorry."  
Lindsay looked up, exasperated. "Stop saying that, it doesn't help."

"What would?"

"A time machine."

"I left that in my other purse." Melanie tried for humor, and missed the mark.

"Mel, I know you're sorry, you've always said you're sorry, the words mean nothing anymore."

Melanie sighed, "I just want us to be able to talk."

"So talk."

"I'm working for legal aide."

"That's nice, you'll really be able to do some good there."  
"I hope so."

"Why didn't you just go back to your old firm?"  
"I'm trying to make some changes. And I'm seeing someone."

Lindsay was silent.

"Oh, no, not like that, I mean I'm seeing a therapist, well, a new therapist."

Lindsay smiled half heartedly, "I think that's great."  
"She's helping, with the anger, and the…"

"Violence?"  
"Yeah, with the violence. It's been tough to admit to myself let alone anyone else that I did that to you, that I became that person. I'm on some meds now too, I think they're working."

"That's good."

"I just want to be able to see you, to pick up the kids at your place and not have to make the swap in a 'neutral environment."

"Ben and Michaels is hardly like having to pick them up at the Family Services building."

"You know what I mean."

"I do, but I don't know how comfortable that would be considering…" Lindsay trailed off.

"Brian."

Lindsay nodded, "You know Brian Mel, he's very black and white about things, and I don't know how he'd feel about you coming to see Gus at the house."

"I thought you weren't living in the house."

"I'm not, but I'm living in a house across the lawn, and Brian has been spending a lot of time with Gus and JR, he's really a part of their lives now."

"Fucking Brian."

"Mel."  
"Sorry, I'm working on it, it's just difficult to understand how you can always defend that…"

Lindsay stopped her. "It's time to change the subject, because I'm not having this argument again, we've been having it for 10 years, and it's not going to change. Brian is part of my family. I'm not going to say another word about it."

"So how's Gus doing in Kindergarten?"  
"He's loving it, and I'm running out of room on the fridge.

"So do you have any idea what the pictures are?"  
"Sometimes I think I can make out a tree, but if I mention it, I'll find out it's a dog, or a house."

Melanie laughed. "I've got plenty of room on my fridge if you need to annex some space."

"I'll send some of his work with him next weekend."

"I'd like that."

"So what's going on over at legal aide?"  
"Same old bullshit, people are trying to protect themselves and getting screwed over. I'm doing a lot of landlord tenant mediation."

The conversation began to flow once they got past actually addressing their issues, and when Mel leaned in to give Lindsay a peck on the cheek as they said goodbye, Lindsay didn't flinch.

"She's WHERE?"  
"Stop yelling."

Justin had forgotten that Brian didn't know about Melanie and Lindsay's scheduled meeting, and when he mentioned it after Deb and his mother left, he should have been prepared for the outburst, but he wasn't.

"I'm not yelling. Where were they meeting?"  
Justin shrugged, "Some restaurant, a 'neutral setting' is how Lindsay put it."  
Brian shook his head and poured himself a scotch. "She's gonna get back together with Melanie."

"I don't think so."  
Brian didn't say another word, he sat, pouring himself another and trying to think. He'd always hated Sundays.

His brain was spinning but his face remained blank. Justin knew the look well, and kissed Brian on the cheek.

"I'm gonna go do some work."

Brian nodded absently, and then glanced at the clock. It was only two in the afternoon. "Dinner at eight."

Justin wasn't ready to try their negotiation banter at the moment. The restrictions Brian was putting on his work, and his time were starting to grate on his nerves but he knew the man well enough not to enter a power struggle when he was mid brood. "Eight" Justin repeated and disappeared into the studio, lighting a cigarette as soon as he entered and contemplating the work he'd already accomplished on the piece.

Brian tried to pull his anger apart. It was something he'd learned years ago, when you were angry with too many people or situations at once, there was no way to manage the pain. No amount of drugs, or alcohol or sex could help. But if you separated the issues, made sure you knew exactly whom you hated, and why, then you could drown each one. Bury it deep beneath the joy of the orgasm, or the numbing relief of killing brain cells. He started with Melanie, she was easy for him to hate, she hurt Lindsay, she upset Gus, she was no better than his father. He poured himself another.

The rest was harder to untangle. He wasn't angry with Justin, well, not as angry as he was scared for him.

Justin was putting up a good front. He realized he'd pushed too hard, and he seemed to recognize the danger he'd put himself in. But Brian wasn't naïve enough to think that a couple of days of bed rest and some takeout had fixed the problem. The medication helped him sleep but he still woke up with nightmares sometimes. Brian still watched him crack his knuckles as if that was the key to all his problems. He'd seen Justin take on that same possessed look while getting brunch ready that he'd had the night of the dinner party. So whom do you hate when the person you need in your life isn't okay?

This was the one Brian had been struggling with. There was no one to punch, no one to hate, and no easy solution. Brian tried not to think about it, he lit a joint.

There was Jennifer. He wanted to scream, to stand in her face and yell that she wasn't helping, but she wasn't trying to hurt Justin. She didn't understand his aversion to therapists. They had been a symbol that something was wrong with him, when she first took him to one, as if there were something that needed fixing. And after the bashing all they had done was try to bring up pain he didn't want to feel, and then try to get him to accept the unacceptable, that his show of affection to the man he loved led to a bat to the head.

In retrospect, beating the shit out of every snotty straight guy he could find with the pink posse probably was far more therapeutic than anything any of those fuckers told him after the bashing. "Including me" Brian thought to himself, as he remembered all of the times he'd told Justin to simply forget about it, put it behind him, move on. He shook his head and started looking through the top cabinet of the entertainment system. It was barely reachable by Justin, and thus totally out of reach of Gus and JR. He found the vial and took a quick snort. He didn't use coke often, but there were times when feeling wired, without quite remembering why, was the best defense.

Moments later he felt a little better, and he stopped trying to pull apart the pain into separate piles, instead he simply forgot about the glass, and drank the scotch straight from the bottle while watching East of Eden and muttering every line under his breath with the actors.

Justin found him at eight, passed out on the sofa, the empty bottle laying discarded on the floor. He picked up the vial and put it away. The movie had been over for a while, but he hit play again, hoping that the soothing and familiar words would penetrate Brian's inebriation enough to make him feel a little more in control.

Justin knew this mode of pain management well; he'd seen it often over the years. It only happened when Brian couldn't control the things that were wrong, the things that were hurting the people he cared about. Justin knew rationally that this was about Melanie and Lindsay as well as himself, but he couldn't help feeling that if he had just been better about hiding it, better about taking care of it himself, or strong enough to leave, Brian wouldn't be doped to the gills and passed out in his own house unable to figure out what to do next.

He sat on the other side of the sofa and watched the movie, debating what to do to help the man lost in his own pain, but it wasn't his own pain, he took on everyone else's, and that's why it became too much for him to handle.

Justin went back into the studio and grabbed a sketchpad and a couple of pencils. He turned his back to the movie and sketched Brian as he slept, mouth open, arm flung off the couch, sounds that were almost but not quite snores rattling in the back of his throat, wearing a white t-shirt and black jeans, shoeless, Justin lost himself in capturing the peace in his easy grace that juxtaposed the slight furrow of his brow, which the artist knew meant that even copious amounts of scotch and pot, helped along with coke, had not managed to permanently kill the demons this man was currently fighting.

Brian woke up with a start several hours later to find Justin sitting on the floor, knees pulled up, sketch pad resting on them, his tongue sticking out just a little as he concentrated.

"Shit you're drawing me like this." He ran a hand over his face and through his hair.

"You're awake."

"Perceptive."

Brian checked his watch, it was after 11

"Did you eat something?"

Justin wanted to say yes, but he had promised not to lie anymore. "Do you want something?"  
"Not hungry thanks. Did you eat something?" Brian wasn't so far gone he missed the fact that Justin hadn't answered the question.

"I'll eat tomorrow it's bad to eat this late at night."

Brian looked at Justin and wanted to argue but was too tired. He shrugged, "kill yourself, I'll only miss you a little." And with that he sat up and hit the remote to change from the DVD player to regular TV.

Justin sighed, and came back downstairs with two apples and a handful of cheese cubes. He handed Brian one of the apples. "You haven't eaten either."

Brian took a bite, and relaxed back onto the sofa, his feet on the coffee table.

Three days later Brian returned to work.

Justin cooked him breakfast, and did his best to hide his anxiety.

Everything had been fine, well, not fine, but easier, when Brian was there. Granted the whole 24/7 thing was beginning to feel confining, but at least he knew when he had and anxiety attack, or a nightmare, Brian would be there. It was time to go back to being independent, and he wasn't looking forward to it.

Brian knew that Justin was nervous, but he didn't want to make him feel like an invalid. He'd made strides during their house arrest, as they'd chosen to call it, but he still woke up with nightmares, even through the medication. He still had moments of sheer terror for no reason, while doing mundane tasks like throwing out a take out container or loading the dishwasher. He still ate sparsely, and refused to see any kind of professional. Brian knew that getting him back to have his stitches taken out on Friday was going to be difficult but that was Friday, and today was only Wednesday. He also knew that once he got back into the office he'd be swamped, he'd been fielding calls for the last several days from Ted, and Cynthia, and a couple of clients, and he'd managed to keep them all reassured that nothing was falling apart, but he wasn't so sure, and in truth he was anxious to get back to the office.

He'd seen every movie he'd ever bought, twice. He'd played strip Boggle, and strip Scrabble, and strip truth or dare, which wasn't really much of a game between the two of them, it mostly consisted of getting stoned, saying stupid things, getting naked and fucking, and while that was fun, very fun, eventually you needed to leave the cocoon and live again. He just hoped Justin was ready.

"Meet me at the diner for lunch today?"

"I'm sure you'll be swamped, and I've got some ideas that I'm dying to get started on in the studio."

Brian shrugged, he probably would be busy, he'd make time to meet Justin, but if he wasn't ready, well, he wasn't going to force the kid.

"Don't work too hard."

Justin kissed him, and Brian put his hand on the back of the blonde's neck, pulling him in for a deeper kiss.

Justin locked himself in the studio and breathed deeply. "I can do this." He kept repeating to himself.

He grabbed a bottle of water and drank most of it in a single gulp, refusing to acknowledge his irrational fear of being alone in the house. Cranking up the radio until he couldn't hear himself think, he got back to work.

That's how Brian found him when he got home 14 hours later. He'd called during the day, no answer. He'd resisted the urge to simply walk out of the office and drive home to reassure himself that Justin was okay. He'd tried to get out of the office early but every time he thought he was done someone put something on his desk that needed his approval or signature. There was a stack of phone calls to return, and a new client that wanted to set up a meeting ASAP. He plowed through all of it, gritting his teeth. Trying not to let his imagination take over, trying no to worry like a mother hen. He put up a good front until 10, then he simply slammed down the pile of documents in front of him, turned out the office lights and went home. He knocked on the studio door and Justin opened it, the music blaring. He was covered in paint.

"You stop for lunch?"

Justin smiled "The muse hit hard, I've gotten so much work done today. We should let Magdalena in here more often, it's nice to have a clean studio."

Brian tried not to glower, he failed and Justin saw this and took a step back. Brian hated to see Justin scared of him, but the first opportunity and he'd fallen back into his old patterns. Brian was less than amused.

"I'll make dinner now." Justin said as he turned off the stereo and headed up to the kitchen.

"I'll be back down in a minute." Brian walked upstairs, trying to push his anger back down, trying to ignore his fear. He changed into jeans and met Justin in the kitchen.

"I was going to make salmon, but if you want something else…"

Brian came up behind Justin and pulled him backwards, kissing at his neck. "You broke the rules." he whispered into Justin's ear.

A chill went down Justin's spine, not entirely unpleasant. "I was working. I ate breakfast, and look, now dinner, so…"

Brian turned Justin around so that they were facing each other, forehead to forehead; he rested his hands on Justin's hips. "You broke the rules." he repeated, trying to convey with his fingers, his eyes, his lips, his breath, his touch that they weren't rules for the sake of power, or fun, they existed to keep Justin safe.

Justin wriggled out of Brian's grip. He felt the intensity of Brian's feelings, and he understood, at least he thought he did, Brian's concerns, but skipping lunch was hardly a federal offense. And he said so.

Brian sighed. "Salmon's fine, I'm starving."

Justin put the fish on top of the chopped vegetables and seasoned them, then put the lid on the pan and turned down the burner.

"Should be ready in about ten minutes."

Brian watched carefully as Justin did all of this, mostly with his left hand. He'd learned to work around the bandage and the cut was almost entirely healed, he'd been lucky not to have suffered any nerve damage, and the stitches would be out soon.

Justin started to set the table but Brian came up behind him and grabbed the dishes. He pulled Justin towards the table and took the cramped right hand into both of his. He began a soft massage starting at the palm using his thumbs to relax the muscles. Justin leaned his head back and enjoyed the sensation.

"You're supposed to stop before your hand gets like this." Brian said quietly.

"You should see the work I'm doing, it's really coming out well." Justin said, his eyes still closed, his head back, reveling in the gentle feel of Brian's hands smoothing out the kinks in his fingers, straightening them and then intertwining their fingers together.

"Look at me."

"Justin opened his eyes, and lowered his head, meeting the hazel gaze head on."

"You've got to take better care of yourself."

"I will, as soon as…"

Brian dropped his hand, and stood up, getting glasses and silverware, but obviously agitated. "As soon as what? There's always an 'as soon as' with you. You need to take care of yourself now."

"I'm sorry." Justin said and Brian resisted the very strong urge to throw a glass at his head. "How many rules were you planning on breaking tonight?"  
Justin wanted to apologize again but seeing Brian's white knuckles was honestly afraid the glass he was holding was about to shatter in his hand. He tried a different tack. "You're right. I guess I just got lost in the work, I'll figure something out so that it doesn't happen again."

"Well, you could have answered your fucking phone."

"Oh, I turn it off when I'm working really hard, that way there are no distractions."

"Get distracted."

"Okay, I'll leave my phone on."

"And you'll eat, every day."

"And I'll eat every day. But Brian I haven't gone a single day without eating since…"

"How long did you hold down breakfast?"  
Justin was startled, he still had trouble holding down food sometimes but he'd been much better about it, and much better at not bothering Brian with it. But the honesty policy still stood so he answered "Almost an hour."

"So an hours worth of toasted blueberry muffin is what you've been using to build your strength back?"

"Today was our first day back from house arrest, it makes sense that I would be a little nervous, and that always makes the eating thing harder."

"Yeah, today was the first day back and you've already started to rekindle your love affair with bad habits."

"You're right, I'm…" Justin was about to apologize but the look in Brian's eyes made him change mid sentence. "I'm gonna be more careful, and I'll keep some food in the studio."

"Okay then."

Brian brought the glasses and silverware to the table and resumed his massage of Justin's hand. Several minutes later, Justin was able to pick up the pan and serve the food with both hands.

They were in the den watching the new Showtime series that had replaced "Gay as Blazes" when the phone rang, it was midnight. Justin answered.

"I have the perfect idea for the next issue."

"There's a next issue?"

"Sure, shouldn't there be?"

"I guess."

"What are you doing tomorrow at five?"

"Let me guess, I'm meeting with you to discuss ideas?"  
"Exactly."

"See you at five."

Brian raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"Michael has a new idea for Rage, so we're gonna have a story meeting."

Brian nodded, and put a blue pill on his tongue, Justin leaned in for a deep kiss, swallowing the pill, but not releasing Brian's mouth from his own for several more seconds.

"Have I mentioned that I don't mind taking my medicine so much anymore?"

Brian smiled and leaned in for another kiss.

He pushed Justin back against the sofa, pulling his shirt over his own head, and then pulling Justin's off as well. But rather than discard them he used the sleeves of Justin's shirt to bind his wrists, tying them to the frame of the sofa.

Justin's eyes opened wide, but there was no fear in them. His lips were parted and his breathing was shallow. His back arched naturally with his arms bound over his head, and Brian slowly removed the paint stained cargo pants, never breaking eye contact.

Justin was hard before Brian's hands even touched the Velcro at his waist, by the time Brian had thrown the thin khaki cotton to the side he was writhing and throbbing.

Brian pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and then released it, and Justin just stared, wanting to bite Brian's bottom lip himself. He squirmed a little as Brian leaned in against him, kissing up his chest.

"You broke the rules." He whispered into Justin's ear and a shiver went down Justin's spine.

Brian flipped Justin over, causing the shirt binding Justin's wrists to twist tighter around them.

Justin wanted to say something but he wasn't sure what.

Brian leaned in again, kissing at Justin's neck. When the blonde tried to turn his head to kiss him back Brian simply put a hand on either side of his head and laid his forehead back down on the sofa. He pulled a pillow off the back of the couch and slid it under Justin's hips, pushing his ass up in the air, and Justin had a pretty good idea of what was coming next. He arched his back, and whispered "please."

"Please what?"

Justin didn't know.

"Do you want me to stop?"  
Justin knew. "No, don't stop."

Brian's hands were gliding gently up Justin's back, and scratched lightly as he dragged his fingers back down to Justin's ass. The sensations were indescribable and Justin's body was shaking, he tried to move his hips, to thrust himself against the pillow and when Brian saw what he was doing the pillow was removed.

"On your knees."

Justin struggled without the use of his hands, but pulled himself up to his knees, his cock leaking, his body needing whatever came next, needing to feel Brian's touch, rough, gentle, he didn't care.

Brian stood next to the bound boy, undeniably turned on by his body, by the soft tremble he could see, and his obvious need.

He leaned in to kiss Justin and then moved his head back to his ear, licking around the little shell like curl of it. And whispering again "You broke the rules."

Brian moved behind Justin on the sofa, kissing the spot between his shoulder blades, watching the goose bumps rise on Justin's flesh. He moved his head lower down Justin's back slowly, painfully slowly. He stopped occasionally, leaving a hot wet kiss, and then blowing across the area, raising the goose bumps again. He could feel the heat from Justin's body even through his jeans.

His mouth moved down lower, licking and teasing the very edge of the crack of Justin's ass. Justin moaned into the sofa, arching his back, wanting more.

Brian knew what Justin wanted, and wasn't ready to give it to him yet. He began to flick his tongue just across Justin's ass cheeks, never delving inside, taking little nips at his ass, watching the boy writhe and listening to the soft sounds coming from the back of his throat.

His hands moved up Justin's back again and scratched their way down lightly, as Justin's stomach muscles contracted with desire. Brian reached his hand around and lightly ran his fingers along Justin's dick and listened to him almost cry when his fingers moved on.

He finally spread apart his ass cheeks and licked, flicking his tongue quickly and lightly, teasing but never providing any real pressure.

Justin was desperate now, bucking backwards, but Brian just moved back further and soon Justin, his hands still tied to the base of the sofa, couldn't lean back any further, and he lost all contact with Brian. He cried out as if the loss of contact caused physical pain.

Brian stopped and began rubbing Justin's ass lightly, surveying his work. His cheeks were beginning to show small signs of the bites he'd left, and when he touched one Justin almost jumped at the touch. He planted a hot wet kiss on each cheek and then blew across it. Justin bucked as the cool feeling of air against the wetness left behind cooled his ass, which felt as if it were on fire.

Brian flipped Justin back over, this tightened the shirt around his wrists again, and Justin moaned. Brian leaned in, his full body, still denim clad from the waist down grinding against Justin. He kissed Justin and checked to make sure he was cutting off the circulation to his hands. He licked his ear and whispered again "you broke the rules."

Justin, back arched, body straining wanted to apologize, to promise he'd never do it again, to beg to be touched again but Brian, seeing him about to speak, leaned in and kissed him hard, his tongue invading, surveying, and then dancing with Justin's. He lifted himself off of Justin and moved his mouth down his neck, and onto his chest. He pulled a nipple into his mouth and bit, pulling the nipple with his teeth, Justin arched his back further, loath to lose even this slight contact.

Brian continued lower until his mouth was at Justin's cock. He licked at it, lightly. Justin whimpered and thrust up trying to invade his mouth, to create friction, to get some release. Brian grabbed the base of his dick, putting his thumb on the vein that ran along the bottom, stopping Justin from coming.

"You broke the rules." He said again in a passion deepened voice.

Justin was beginning to realize that this was going to be a very long night.

Brian continued his slow and methodical arousal of every inch of Justin's skin; to Justin it felt like days. Finally, when Brian didn't know how much longer he could hold himself back, he pulled a condom out of his pocket, lowered his jeans and slipped it on.

Justin wanted to cry he was so grateful. Brian lifted Justin's legs onto his shoulders and felt Justin's body trembling uncontrollably. He pushed into him, just a tiny bit, just past the first ring of muscle. He was far enough back on the sofa that Justin could not push himself any further back no matter how he tried. Brian stayed like that for almost a full minute, feeling Justin's body tremble and try to pull him inside. He looked into Justin's eyes and slowly, agonizingly slowly entered Justin, inch by inch, watching the boys eyes darken even further with desire. Watching him lick his lips and when he was about to open them and beg Brian leaned in again for a kiss, this time pushing himself into Justin to the hilt. "You broke the rules." He whispered again.

He raised his body again, and began to thrust in earnest, still ignoring Justin's leaking cock, moving his body to actually graze lightly but never quite hit his prostate, keeping Justin on the edge for as long as he could. Finally, he pushed in deeper, hitting the spot Justin had been waiting for, and after three thrusts Brian came.

He pulled out, and Justin whimpered again as he backed up, Justin's legs falling back onto the sofa.

He untied Justin's hands, and Justin's arms were around him as soon as they were free, his dick was still hard as he pushed Brian back against the sofa, straddling his denim clad lap, grinding against him, kissing him deeply. Brian felt the wetness on his face from the tears he's wrung from Justin but apparently there were no hard feelings as Justin continued to kiss him.

Brian's hands moved to Justin's ass to instinctively pull him closer. Justin's mouth was everywhere as he kissed Brian's neck, and chest, ducking his head to concentrate on his nipples. Justin felt Brian's harden again and he lowered himself to the floor, unzipping Brian's fly he took him into his mouth in one deft move, He felt Brian harden in his mouth and as soon as Brian felt himself slide down his throat Justin gave three consecutive swallows, causing Brian to buck against Justin. He tangled his hands in the blonde locks that were caressing his abdomen, and watched as Justin's head bobbed up and down over his cock, his tongue running along the bottom and swirling around the head before he deep throated him again, using his throat, his tongue and now his fingers to bring Brian to orgasm.

When Brian came, he moaned Justin's name, and Justin almost came just from the sound of it.

Justin swallowed as Brian shot. And when he raised his head and climbed back up to kiss Brian he reached for his hand, moving it onto his own erection, which had been too long ignored.

Brian took his hand off of Justin's cock. "Uh uh uh," he said in a slightly mocking tone. "You broke the rules." Justin's eyes widened, "Brian, you can't, that's not fair."

Brian stood up, taking Justin's hand, "Time for bed."  
"I'll do it myself."

Brian sat back and watched, as Justin wrapped his fist fully around his shaft. He smiled and then removed the artist's hand. and took both of Justin's hands in his. "Not tonight. You broke the rules."

Justin had known there would be consequences but this was…" he tried to think of something to say, but there was very little blood going to his brain at the moment.

Brian laughed. "In the morning sonny-boy, I promise."

Justin pouted, unable to form a cohesive thought but unable to move much either. Brian leaned in and kissed him again, and pulled him off the couch walking backwards, leading the naked boy with both hands towards the bedroom.

Justin wanted to cry, and Brian could see the frustration in his eyes, but that was fine. The sleeping pill would kick in soon, and he'd crash, but until then, he needed to understand that there were consequences to breaking the rules.

When Justin finally lay in bed, his hand drifted towards his ignored erection, and Brian pulled him towards him. "You broke the rules."

Justin tried to snuggle close to Brian but all too soon Brian realized that what he really wanted was just to rub himself against his naked body. "Do I have to tie you to the bed?" he asked.

Justin pouted, and lay on his back, arms behind his head "I'll be good."

Brian leaned over and kissed his nose. "That's all I ask."

Soon Justin did fall asleep, his body returning to a relaxed state. And Brian just wanted to wake him with his mouth, feeling bad for denying Justin anything, but he gritted his teeth and tried to remind himself that this was for his own good.

Chapter 24

Justin awoke in a bad mood. He was angry with Brian for denying him last night. He knew that maybe he deserved it, maybe he had fallen back into his old habits, but dammit, Brian had never denied him like that before.

Justin vowed to himself that he would start paying more attention to his eating habits, to the cramping in his hand when he worked too hard; to how much time he spent in the studio. He was obviously upsetting Brian, and that was the very last thing he wanted to do, plus, he wasn't sure how long Brian could go without allowing him to come, but he really didn't want to test it.

All of these thoughts ran through his head as he idly played with one of Brian's nipples. Justin had woken in his usual place, leaning against Brian, one arm flung across his lover's chest, Brian's arm wrapped around his waist his hand resting lightly on his hip.

Justin's mouth moved to follow his fingers, as he licked at Brian's body, until he woke up.

When Brian awoke to find a nimble little blonde kneeling over him, tasting him as if he were a delicacy he smiled.

Justin felt the change in Brian's breathing and knew he was up, he was aware of just how up he was when Brian pounced, pushing him backwards onto the bed, kissing him thoroughly while their bodies melded together in a familiar but ever exciting perfect fit.

Justin let Brian kiss him, moving his hips in slow circles against Brian's erection. Brian knew the boy would wake up needy, but Justin's eyes made it clear just how deep that need was running at the moment.

When Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and rolled them over so he was on top Brian realized that Justin needed more than just to get off, he needed to feel in control, something Brian understood well. He allowed Justin to set the pace as the younger man's kisses became rougher, his nibbles almost bites.

"You give me a hickey on my neck and I'll have to think of something horrible to do to you" Brian said, feeling the light nips get a little less light.

"Something more horrible than last night?"

"Was it so very bad?" Brian asked, mockingly.

Justin stopped what he was doing to look into Brian's eyes. "Don't ever do that to me again."

"Don't break the rules."

Justin chose to ignore the statement; instead he reached across the bed for a condom. Plastic square between his teeth, Justin rolled them over again, Brian leaned back, ready to take the wrapper from Justin. Justin pulled it out of his mouth and held it slightly out of Brian's reach.

Brian could get to it easily if he tried, but he was interested in where this might be heading.

"I want to come."

"I'm trying to help you out here sonny-boy, you're the one holding up the works."

"I want to come while I'm inside you." Brian took in his words. He rarely bottomed for Justin and NEVER bottomed for anyone else, at least hadn't in years, but he saw the seriousness in Justin's eyes, and understood even more clearly now how much Justin needed to take control back. He was sitting up, straddling Justin and felt the boy buck his hips against him and he acquiesced.

Brian spread his arms out to either side. "I'm all yours."

He was almost blinded by the sunshine smile.

Justin took his preparations very seriously, he didn't want to hurt Brian, but he wanted to fuck him, and fuck him hard, claim him, remind him that he wasn't the only one who had the ability to take control when necessary, plus, he was really really horny.

He handed the condom to Brian, who rolled onto him, and then he lay on his back, reaching for the lube, handing the bottle to Brian.

He dribbled a little Astro-glide onto Justin's dick, not too much, he wanted to feel this, suddenly he NEEDED to feel this.

Justin's eyes didn't leave Brian's hands as he prepared the younger man's cock for entry, and when Brian was done Justin sat up and climbed behind Brian who was on his knees on the bed. He wrapped his hand around his narrow waist, pulling him closer as he pushed his dick into the entrance to Brian's ass. Brian's head leaned back onto Justin's shoulder biting his own bottom lip as Justin pushed himself inside.

Brian forgot sometimes how much he loved this feeling, being stretched from the inside, filled.

Justin removed his arm from around his waist and pushed Brian's torso away from him, Brian caught himself, a little surprised at the force Justin had used. On his hands and knees he felt Justin's soft touch run down his back, relaxing him, allowing him to adjust to the feeling of him inside.

Then Justin began to fuck him in earnest, hard, rough, leaning in to kiss his back, his neck, wherever his mouth hit. And Brian pushed back against him, wanting it harder, faster, rougher.

Justin changed his angle just a little and Brian's body convulsed, an actual cry escaped his lips before he clenched his teeth against such sounds. But Justin knew what he wanted and he wasn't going to stop until he elicited such sounds from Brian. He reached down to grab Brian's hard shaft, and in a move he'd learned from the master he applied a small amount of pressure to the vein at the base with his thumb.

Brian's eyes opened when he felt the pressure. His arms fell to his sides as his face dug into the pillow, and Justin continued to sweep the head of his cock against his prostate. Brian was crying out, the noises almost ripped from his body. There was nothing to think about now.

No Justin to worry over, no Lindsay and Mel to handle, no idiot fucking up another layout in the art department there was just the astounding sensation of Justin, and Justin's complete control over his body. He gave in, moaning into the pillow, reaching, trying to get Justin to release him but Justin's hand remained like the worlds softest cock ring.

Justin ignored Brian's hands, pushing himself deeper and deeper into his ass, wanting him to feel this tomorrow, next week, forever. He pulled almost entirely out and pushed back in full force, and when Brian was groaning, moaning out Justin's name, he leaned in and kissed his shoulder whispering into his ear, "do you want to come?"  
"Yes" Brian said through gritted teeth.  
"Are you sure?"

"Yes" Brian answered again

And with that Justin released his grip on Brian, pushing with all his weight into the man until he was flat, face down against the mattress, grinding against the sheets, while Justin pumped into him.

Justin felt Brian come first, felt his body tense and then release, and he didn't stop, he continued to move inside him, the head of his cock stroking at his prostate as the aftershocks made Brian's body tremble. And when Justin was sure Brian couldn't take anymore he came too, thrusting hard, his head thrown back in passion and pleasure. And then he collapsed on top of Brian's body, staying inside him a little while longer.

A few minutes later Justin rolled off of Brian, removing himself completely. He discarded the used condom and leaned over Brian's inert form to grab the pack of cigarettes and lighter that were on the opposite nightstand.

He lit one, laying on his back, ashtray resting on his chest. Inhaling deeply.

Brian rolled over, removing the cigarette from Justin's hand and taking a long drag before giving it back.

"Where the fuck did you learn to do that? Brian asked.

Justin just smiled one of his little knowing grins that drove Brian crazy and took another long drag before exhaling small smoke rings.

Brian smiled, perhaps the student really had become the master, and he decided to stay with that thought, because although by nature, he wasn't a particularly jealous man the thought of where and when Justin had learned such technique was not something he was in the mood to contemplate.

Brian got up first to shower, and Justin joined him shortly after. It was a really smart move to put in a second water heater, and they were both very relaxed, almost an hour later when they emerged, red skinned from the heat of the water and the flush of passion.

Brian was running late when he got into the office, not an easy task considering he was the boss, but he was met with a sheaf of messages, a stack of forms, three scheduled client meetings and the thought that he probably should have gone for a more padded chair if he was going to let Justin top him in the mornings.

Justin didn't even bother to put on shoes as he made his way down to the studio. His first instinct was to lock the door and get started, ignoring the small hunger pang he felt but then he remembered the vow he'd made to himself just a few hours ago, and the promises he'd made to Brian. He grabbed a yogurt and stopped in the den to pick up his phone off the charger, he would leave it on.

Brian called him at 11, and he answered.

Brian called him at 12 and he answered

Brian called him at 1:30 and he answered

Brian called him at 2:00 and he turned off his phone.

He stood back to survey what he'd accomplished so far and headed towards the cabinet for more cerulean. He searched and couldn't find it anywhere, he started to curse Magdalena when he glanced over at the four empty tubes laying crushed beside the easel and realized that he had run out.

He debated and finally decided that he would have to take a trip to the art supply store. He went back upstairs to grab a pair of shoes and his wallet and was halfway out of the driveway when it hit him. He was suddenly sick, he couldn't breathe again. "Fuck the radio's not even on" he thought to himself as he tried to relax.

He pulled back into the garage and got out of the car, kicked off his shoes and locked himself in the studio where he contemplated his sketches while smoking a cigarette and finishing off a third bottle of water.

When Brian came home at seven he found Michael and Justin at the kitchen table, sketches and scribbled story ideas strewn across the entire surface.

Brian kissed Michael on the cheek, and leaned down to kiss Justin in a less platonic manner.

"You turned your fucking phone off."

"You called me every fucking hour."

Brian just shrugged, "Sometimes I need to look busy so Ted doesn't start yammering about that fucking mutt of his."

"It's not a mutt, it's a purebred."

Brian grabbed a beer out of the fridge and silently held one out in offering to the two men at the table. Michael took one.

Brian opened them both and placed one in front of Michael and then sat across from Justin looking over the sketches.

"So what great acts of derring do is rage up to?"

"JT goes away to visit the his family on Kroyton, and Rage gets really aggravated but then when JT comes back he's opened up this vortex without realizing it, and because he doesn't have powers in the alternate universe, he's trying to keep up with Rage but he keeps getting pulled back into the vortex, only Rage doesn't realize it at first, and then eventually he falls so far that Rage has to rescue him and…."

Brian held up a hand, trying to stop the onslaught of Mikey's geeker joy. "How do the two of you come up with such original ideas?

Justin smiled, "JT's family blames Rage for the whole thing and he almost takes them out with his powers of mind control"

Brian just laughed. "You guys have dinner yet?"

"We were gonna order a pizza." Justin said, but I'll make something if you want.

"Pizza's fine." Brian let out a breath quietly, no arguments about food, out of the studio at a reasonable hour, and from the looks of it, his hand was holding up okay. Maybe Justin was actually recovering.

Brian got up to order the pizza, and then went back down to the den to leave the Zephyr and JT to their comic book.

He noticed that Lindsay's lights were still on and headed across the lawn to see if Gus was still up.

"Daddy!" Gus took a flying leap that almost toppled Brian, and did spill his beer on his new shirt.

"Shit."

"Brian. language."

"Sorry, Lindz, Hey, sonny-boy" he smiled. "Should have known better than to come over here without changing first." He said ruefully, Lindsay just smiled.

"So how was brunch with Melanie?" he asked.

Lindsay stopped picking up the toys she'd been tossing into a basket and turned to look at him. "Brian, you have to understand."

"I understand" he said, settling onto the sofa as Gus climbed on top of his lap. "If you two want to work things out, that's between you and Melanie, but the kids stay here."

Gus was reaching for his beer and Brian absentmindedly handed it to him.

"Brian!" Lindsay said as she saw Gus upend the bottle into his own mouth.

Brian looked down and laughed, taking the bottle from Gus "Not ''til your 16." he said, kissing the top of the boys head.

Gus made a face, "don't taste good."

"Doesn't taste good." Lindsay corrected.

"Then why does daddy drink it?"  
Brian just looked at Lindsay amused, and while she tried to be angry, she couldn't "Because daddy is silly." was the best she could come up with, "now go put on your pajamas and I'm sure daddy will read you a story and tuck you in."

Brian rolled his eyes. But couldn't completely suppress his smile.

"JR asleep?"  
"For the moment."

"So are you getting back together with momma?" he said the last word slowly enunciating each syllable, making his displeasure clear.

"No. She asked if we could meet to talk, and I thought it was a good idea." Lindsay busied herself picking up the rest of the toys scattered across the floor and tossing them into the basket.

"What is there to talk about?"

"Brian, we have a family, we have kids together, and I don't want them to grow up in a world where their parents can't be in the same room together without yelling. Is that what you want for Gus, or JR? Do you want them to grow up thinking their parents hate each other?"

Brian considered what she had said. He shrugged, which was the closest Lindsay knew, he would ever come to admitting that there had to be a space in the equation for Mel. "She hurts you again and…"

"She won't, I won't let it happen again."

Brian nodded and left it at that. Gus came running a few seconds later with his new favorite book "The Hungry Caterpillar."

Brian sat Gus on his lap and read it to him while the child fell asleep against his already ruined shirt. When he'd finished the book he carried Gus to his room, and put him to bed, kissing his forehead. Lindsay smiled, glad to be back in Pittsburgh, glad to have Brian be a part of Gus's life, glad to feel safe again.

She hugged Brian as he was leaving. "Thank you." Brian shrugged again, too tired to deal with the soppy emotional bullshit. He headed back to the house, hoping the comic book morons had saved him some pizza.

While they were climbing into bed that night Justin couldn't seem to stop talking about the new issue. Brian let him babble, he'd missed the enthusiasm Justin felt when he wasn't so intent on making everything perfect, he'd missed that light in his eyes when he was talking about something passionately.

Brian held up an Ambien to Justin, who just nodded, and Brian administered the medication in his usual manner.

After Justin had swallowed the pill Brian pulled him back in for a deeper kiss, needing to feel Justin's body against his, and Justin responded in kind. When they finally drifted off to a sweaty dreamless sleep they were both sticky, and sated, and Brian felt his body truly begin to relax, after what felt like years of tension.

Over breakfast Brian reminded Justin that he had a doctors appt to get his stitches out. Justin scrunched up his nose. "I hate that guy?"

"Why?"  
Justin shrugged, "Just do."

Brian just lifted his eyebrows

"He can't leave well enough alone."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Justin wanted to say yes, but he knew Brian was busy and it was just to get his stitches out, so there was really no need. "No, I'll be f… I'll handle it"

Brian smirked amused that Justin was finally removing the word fine from his vocabulary. "Appointment's at 4:30, want to meet me in the city for dinner after?"  
"We're supposed to be at Deb's tonight, it's Friday."

"Forgot, tell you what, I'll meet you there?"  
"See you at 7."

Justin examined his hand, he hadn't needed to bandage it for the last couple of days unless he was in the studio, and it looked pretty much healed. He wondered what it would take to pull the stitches out himself and avoid the doctor's visit. He put the thought out of his head, and started to head out to the art store, breathing deeply and intent on doing this without a fucking panic attack.

He made it halfway there and pulled to the side of the road, cursing, yelling, pacing beside the car, unheeded tears rolling down his cheeks, his heart racing, trying to catch his breath.

Eventually he ended up leaning against the car, hugging himself and wondering how fucking crazy he might be.

Shakily he got back in the car and returned to the house. Once he was in his studio he considered how to finish the painting without cerulean but couldn't. He'd have Brian pick some up for him later. For now he started on a smaller canvas.

Brian called at noon.

Brian called at three, and was relieved to hear him answer while crunching on something. Eating without prompting was a good sign.

Brian called at four to remind him about the doctor's appointment.

Justin took his usual position when considering his newfound insanity, as he liked to think of it. He was on the stool in the studio, smoking a cigarette and gazing at nothing in particular.

It was 4:35, he'd missed his doctor's appointment but he couldn't face getting in his car, just to have to turn back again. He examined his stitches again and made a decision.

He dug through the drawer in the bathroom sure he'd seen one, and was rewarded with a tiny pair of scissors, designed to cut nails, or nose hair or something. He turned on all the lights and concentrated fully on cutting below the knots on the stitches.

Getting the first one out was tricky but once he'd figured it out the second two were far easier. He rinsed his hand, put the scissors back, and felt like he could breathe again.

He looked at the clock; he had over an hour before he had to leave for Deb's. He invaded Brian's stash and rolled himself a joint, smoking it slowly, and then mixing himself a gin and tonic. Another joint and two gin and tonic's later he was relaxed enough to face dinner with the family.

Brian arrived a little after seven to find Emmett and Ted deep in conversation about the latest in small dog apparel. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to prevent the headache he felt coming on.

When Michael and Ben arrived, obviously in mid tiff Brian knew the evening was going to be a long one. Lindsay and the kids arrived, JR in a finicky and cranky mood. Brian stepped outside to have a cigarette when he saw Justin pull in.

Justin stepped out of the car, happy to see Brian. The drive hadn't been too bad but he'd had a few close calls with the anxiety.

"Brian" Justin practically leapt into his arms. Brian pulled the blonde closer and kissed him tasting cigarettes and…

"What the fuck?"

"Justin was kissing Brian's neck "Mmmmmm?"

Justin you're drunk.

"Puhlease. I had a drink, I'm not drunk."

Brian put a hand on each of Justin's shoulders and held him at arms length so he could see his eyes. "And stoned."

"Needed to relax" Justin shrugged, dipping under Brian's arms to lean in closer and kiss his chest.

"Brian closed his eyes, head back, trying to push his anger aside. "What the fuck are you doing coming to Deb's stoned."

"Brian, you're ruining my buzz."

Brian shrugged and draped an arm over his shoulder, "c'mon, you're gonna be one of the few people who will be able to eat enough to make Deb happy tonight."

Ben and Michael maintained a tactical silence throughout the meal while Emmett talked to Ted about the possibility of putting blue in a feather boa for her next show.

Brian watched Justin eat like…well, like he had the munchies, and left just after dinner.

Justin hung around for only a few more minutes then followed Brian back to the house.

Brian was pouring himself a second scotch when he heard Justin pull up.

Justin poured himself straight vodka and sat down on the sofa next to him.

"You know I don't want to become your fucking mother"

"Don't marry my dad."

"I actually have to tell you not to drink and drive, or smoke most of my weed and drive?"

"No, I'm a big boy Brian, I can figure these things out for myself."

Brian ran his hand through his hair. "So are we gonna just replace bad habits with different bad habits?"

"You might be blowing this out of proportion, just a thought"

"You might be one sick little boy who needs to pull it together. Just a thought."

"You know what? I ate today, I worked a little, I did what I had to do and now the Great Brian Kinney is going to go all-hypocritical on my tight little ass? Fuck you!"

"How was your doctors appointment."

Justin knew he was fucked.

"Didn't go."

"You have to get your stitches out."  
"Took 'em out myself."

"Wow, I missed the part when you when to med school."

"Fuck you Brian." And with that Justin stomped upstairs and lay in bed gritting his teeth and wishing Brian had never been born.

Brian came up a moment later.

"You know, you tell me to fuck you, to fuck off, to get fucked, and then you walk away. Last time I checked I had to actually be in the room to fuck you."

"Last time I checked you've been fucking me over since I came back."  
Brian stood stock still in the doorway. He'd given everything to Justin, and if it still wasn't enough, if after six short months the kid was frustrated and unhappy again, this was it, it was never going to work.

Justin looked up and caught Brian's expression, right before he shut down completely. "Oh fuck, Brian, I didn't mean that. He got up off the bed and stood on tiptoes to wrap his arms around Brian's neck, to pull him closer.

Brian remained expressionless as Justin clung to him, neither acknowledging the contact nor responding to it. Until he felt Justin's tears against his shoulder and he walked him back towards the bed.

They sat in silence for a while, side by side, heads touching, thighs touching, fingers entwined, tongues tied.

Finally Justin spoke first. "I had a bad day, and I took it out on you. I'm … I shouldn't have."

"Yeah well, it's not like I've never done the same to you."

"But that's less reason for me to have to do it, I know how much it hurts."

"Well, then don't fucking do it again." Brian said as he stood up and began undressing, he was still in his suit, as he'd come straight from the office.

Justin lay back expecting Brian to climb into bed, they did some of their best talking and best making up in this California king sized therapy aid. But he pulled on jeans and a black wife beater and walked out of the room.

Justin realized he'd gone too far, and he debated. He had two options. He could ignore the issue; Brian may never bring it up again. The problem was that even if he never brought it up again, he would add it to the list in his head of reasons why he should pull away from Justin. Justin wasn't really in the mood to deal with a cold and distant Brian. The other option was that he could follow him downstairs and force the issue, tease him into admitting that they were both over reacting and then fuck him into the sofa as they made up.

Justin decided he liked the second idea better.

Brian was exactly where Justin assumed he'd be. Very very stoned, and halfway to drunk. Jim beam, straight from the bottle, never a good sign, perhaps, the most dangerous animal on the earth was a shoeless Brian with a bottle of beam, but Justin was determined.

"Brian I'm sorry."

"You're not allowed to use that word."

"Oh would you fuck the rules for a minute and let me say…"

"No, the rules are there so that you don't fucking kill yourself until you don't need rules and figure out that you have to take care of yourself for yourself, because you yourself are yourself."

Justin tried not to laugh but Brian wasn't making any sense and his speech was slurred. He wondered how much he'd smoked before he got home.

"Brian." He tried again

"NO! Don't just say my name like you know it goes straight to my cock and then act as if you didn't break like forty major rules today."

"I don't even have 40 rules, how could I break that many."

The drunk shoeless, Jim beam from the bottle Brian put his face just inches from Justin's. "The rules are IMPLIED."  
Justin wondered if now would be a bad time to point out that just because something was implied didn't mean the person would infer it, but decided that this was not a good time to argue semantics.

"It's implied that I'm not allowed to touch your stash?"  
"It's implied that you have to go to the doctor when you have an appointment, not pick the stitches out with a fork."

"I didn't use a fork"

"Well that's good, cause I thought we were gonna have to buy all new forks."  
Justin had an urge to leave; Brian was making very little sense, and getting less sensible by the second.

"You're supposed to go to the doctor so he can tell you important things, that matter, and are important, like that you need to see a shrink cause you're fucking crazy, and that you need to put on weight because you're fucking skinny, and that you need to fuck me more often because you're fucking hot."  
Justin stared at Brian for a full minute before they both started laughing uncontrollably. This was probably, in some sense, an important emotional breakthrough for Brian, but hell, he was drunk and Justin was laughing, and they could get rid of their clothes in mere seconds.

So Brian fucked Justin into the sofa, and in the morning, they decided that shoeless Brian drinking Beam straight from the bottle would have to be only an occasional guest, because while he was great in bed, even if his kisses were a bit sloppy, he was a danger to all of their cool stuff when he tried to juggle.

Chapter 25

Justin followed the rules. He ate, he slept, he took his medication, and yet Brian still seemed to be retreating from him.

Brian no longer seemed to care if he ate or not. Brian no longer following him up to bed, holding him until he fell asleep. More often than not, somewhere around midnight he'd crawl into bed, only to become aware of Brian's presence at three in the morning. Justin wondered what Brian was doing until three, but when he asked he got a shrug, or a random "working on an account" excuse.

Justin was up and in the studio early most mornings, but he no longer blared the radio, he listened for the distant brunette's footsteps in the kitchen and joined him for at least a morning cup of coffee. Brian didn't seem to care.

That was the thing that had Justin so upset; Brian no longer seemed to care. All the pretty words, all the "I want you to be happy and healthy." had been about crisis prevention, pain management, being in control. None of it, Justin thought seemed genuine because once he was okay again, or at least some facsimile thereof, Brian stopped giving a shit what Justin did.

Brian watched Justin go through the motions. He slept, he ate, he made a point of letting Brian know that he was doing these things. Justin was so busy proving that he was following the rules, that Brian was pretty sure that the boy had lost sight of why the rules had been established.

It wasn't that he didn't care about Justin's health, he did, and seeing the blonde put on a little weight, and lose the dark circles under his eyes was a good thing. What he did care about was Justin's motivation. It seemed like a nitpicking point. If he was taking care of himself, who cared why? Brian had always been a firm believer in the ends justifying the means, but this was different. Justin didn't care if he ate, or slept or worked himself into a point of complete exhaustion. The only thing he seemed to care about was proving to Brian that he was doing these things. Justin was taking care of himself to make his…Brian happy, not because he was at all concerned for his own well-being.

Brian couldn't admit, even to himself how much that scared him. When he'd given up his parental rights to Gus, he'd done it with an absolute sense of rightness. He was giving Gus two parents who loved him and cared about him, and making it clear that in the end, counting on him was not in Gus's best interest.

He knew that Justin loving him and counting on him was not necessarily in the artist's best interests, but he did it anyway. The problem was that Brian wasn't sure how much of his love he could handle without feeling as if the whole world was crashing down upon him. He could take care of Justin, and he would. But, lately he couldn't help but wonder, why Justin didn't have any desire to take care of himself beyond pleasing Brian?

Justin's love had always been a frightening thing for him, and lately he felt as if it were life and death, as if he were holding Justin's future sanity and safety in his hands because Justin had handed it to him.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. The alcohol was making him maudlin and introspective, two things he hated. He knew he'd begun to withdraw, it was what he was good at, and he knew that Justin felt it, and it was a vicious cycle. He'd withdraw; Justin would try harder, so he'd withdraw further, refusing at this point to praise him for doing what he was supposed to do. (eat, sleep, not drink and drive) and so Justin tried even harder until it seemed most of the younger man's actions were about making Brian proud of him, or happy, but not about his own self preservation.

The one thing he did feel better about was that Justin was reconnecting with the outside world.

Jennifer had come for lunch on Tuesday. Justin and Daphne had been hanging out a lot lately. The friends had ended up talking so late into the evening, catching up that he found them both crashed on the bed in the guest room the next morning. Emmett even seemed to be around more often, spending afternoons keeping Justin company as he talked about the show and the work he was contemplating. All of this was good, and healthy, and positive, but lately, Justin seemed reluctant to leave the house. Brian wondered, with all the rules Justin was so careful to point out his adherence to, if he were breaking a main one, the honesty, and lying by omission part.

They both got out of the shower, orchestrating their morning with an easy rhythm. Justin had slept a little later than usual today, and Brian had gotten up a bit earlier and so they had some quality time wet naked and soapy.

"Hey, can you do me a favor?"

"You want me to blow you right here? I just did that five minutes ago."

Justin snapped a hand towel at Brian in mock exasperation.

"No, I need you to stop at the Paint Loft on 5th and pick up a few things."

"That disgusting store full of pretentious starving artists and housewife cum wannabe painters?"

"It won't kill you, and I wasn't planning on going into the city today"

"Of course you weren't" Brian mumbled as he watched Justin pull on studio clothes while he finished putting ridiculously expensive product in his hair.

"What?"  
"Nothing, give me the list, I'll get what you need."

Justin handed him the list and a credit card. "What the fuck is this?"

"Method of payment." Justin gave him his best "duh" face and tried to find a pair of socks. The studio floors got cold lately; tile did that in Pittsburgh in October.

"Justin, you know I actually have one of these of my own."

"I pay for art supplies, then there's no issue as to…"

"Whatever."

Justin was hurt, but didn't say anything; he hated when Brian cut him off, and felt as if Brian was angry with him simply for trying to show some independence.

"This is a very detailed list."

"Yeah, if you give it to Oswald, he'll get everything you need, you're not gonna have to search around for stuff yourself."

"You don't trust me?"

"I trust you, I'm just trying to save you time."  
"And why can't you get this stuff, at the place in Havertown?"

"Because they don't have the pure cobalt, they have to order it, the one downtown actually carries it, and I need it, I've got to get this piece finished."

Brian shrugged, pulled on a pair of pants and shoved the note into his pocket. "I'll stop on the way home."

"Thank you."

Justin leaned in to kiss Brian, and Brian accepted the kiss without really returning it.

He grabbed his jacket and briefcase from their spot in the foyer and yelled over his shoulder, "I'm gonna check in at the diner for breakfast. See you tonight."

Justin heard the 'vette drive off and breathed a sigh of relief. He had tried four times in the last week to get to the store himself and each time had failed. The pure terror that sometimes still woke him in the middle of the night seemed to overcome him in the car now. He felt as if the Ambien just held it at bay and never really stopped whatever was after him from coming.

Brian considered the list in his pocket. He had gone art supply shopping with Justin a few times. He'd never gone voluntarily but every once in a while Justin got sneaky, swore he just needed to run a single errand, and before anything else could even be said, Brian was staring, bored, at tubes of paint, and canvas stretching paraphernalia. The only reason he put up with it was the reverent joy Justin experienced in the store. It was as if there was nothing in the world but the potential that all of those supplies presented. He was surprised, to say the least that Justin had asked him to pick the stuff up, and even more surprised at how long the list of things he needed was, as he was usually stocking up on something three or four times a week.

Brian thought back. Two weeks ago, they had been at Deb's for dinner, Justin stoned, and drunk, Brian angry and worried. After that, Justin had gone to see Michael…no wait, Michael had come to the house to pick up sketches. And Emmett had come to visit a few days later and stayed for a drink before he left. Then Justin had mentioned lunch with his mom…but he'd talked about what he'd cooked.

Brian couldn't remember any time since dinner at Deb's two weeks ago, when Justin had left the house. He shook his head, knowing he'd been withdrawn since that night. He probably just hadn't been paying attention.

Brian gave the list to Cynthia, asking her to call the store and have them get the stuff ready so he could just pick it up. He tried to concentrate on the new account Kinnetic had acquired but he couldn't think of an interesting angle. He looked at some of the ideas that others had come up with and tossed them aside, they were worse than his.

The day went along tediously as Brian tried not to wrack his brain to come up with the last time that he knew Justin had left the house. He couldn't remember, the only one he could think of was Deb's.

After work he stopped by Woody's for a drink, and found what he was looking for, Emmett.

"Hey stranger, haven't seen you in forever."

"Busy."

"So I hear."

Brian just looked up questioningly

"Justin. He says you've been nose to the grindstone for weeks."

"You talk to Justin a lot?"

"Well, not as much as you do sweetie." Emmett said. The last thing he wanted was for Brian to do one of his "non-jealousy" acts.

"No, I think you may talk to him more lately."

"Trouble at casa de bri-tin?"  
Brian gave him a withering look "Fuck off."

"Brian, you know, Justin would talk to you if you were more…available to him."

"Brian waved to the bartender for a refill and mumbled something under his breath.

"Didn't quite catch that."

"Emmett what the fuck is wrong with him?"

Brian had to give Emmett credit, he hid his surprise well, and dropped the full flame tease he'd been doing when he realized Brian was asking him a real question.

"Brian, what makes you think I'd know?"

"Because you two are friends."

"I think you're a little closer to Justin than I am." Emmett was hedging and Brian knew it.

"This is bullshit, you talk to him all the time, you pry shit out of people almost as well as I do, so if there's something to know, you fucking know it."

Emmett dropped all pretenses. "He's scared."

"What the fuck is he scared of?"  
"Honey, I don't think he knows."  
"how can he not know?"  
"He's scared of a lot of things, Brian, have you really talked to him, I mean since the um…"

"Incident?"  
"If that's what you're calling it."  
"No, he won't talk to me."

"Well then maybe you should talk to him."

"And say what?"

"Well, I'm not one to say what goes on behind closed doors."

Brian shot him a glance

"Okay, I'm one to always say what goes on behind closed doors, but let me ask you this, Mr. Cold, distant, and I'll take care of everyone's problems…how much do you listen?"  
"That's the third fucking time you've told me to talk to him or listen to him. I don't have time for this crap, I've got to go pick up a bunch of shit at the art supply store before I hit the gym, so why don't you tell me what I'm supposed to be listening for. What the fuck am I supposed to be talking to him about?"  
Emmett shrugged.

Brian dropped money on the bar and left.

Emmett followed him out "Brian, he needs to talk to someone, but he's scared and he's afraid to tell you because he thinks you're going to push him away, in that 'very special way you have', so he tries, and now he's spending the same energy trying to prove he's okay as he did trying to hide that he wasn't."

"He's not okay."

"I know that, and you know that, but I don't think our little boy knows that."

"Fuck. Emmet, one other thing…you repeat this conversation and…"

"I know, I know, you'll have my balls, or my dick, or kick my ass, or sew my lips shut, I get it, confidentiality is my middle name."

Brian walked away swallowing a nasty retort about other middle names that might be more appropriate.

It was well past nine by the time Brian got back, he'd burned off a lot of energy at the gym, and made two important decisions, the first was that they were going to put a home gym in soon, the place had been crawling with trolls and lesbians today, the second was that he and Justin were going to the art supply store together tomorrow before dinner at Deb's.

Justin was in the den when Brian came down in jeans and a sweater. He was sketching something and kept staring up at the TV as if it were going to provide divine inspiration, then he'd look back down at the drawing and start working again. Brian sat next to him and tried to figure out what he was watching but it was anime without subtitles.

Justin looked up when he had gotten the line drawings in.

"Hi."  
"Hi."

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, moving the sketchbook and pencil to the coffee table.

"How was your day?"  
"Boring, yours?"  
"I got some great work done on the new issue."

Brian began massaging Justin's hand, something he hadn't done in a while, and Justin felt a surge of hope go through him.

"Did you get that stuff I needed?"

Brian had hoped he'd get more than a couple of minutes before they had to get into this, but apparently not.

"No."

"Brian, I needed that to finish."

"We'll pick it up tomorrow before dinner at Deb's."

Justin's stomach clenched. Brian watched his face; Justin closed his eyes, and swallowed hard.

"Hey, what's wrong."

"What? Oh nothing."

Justin looked at Brian and knew he wasn't buying it. "I just really wanted to finish that piece tomorrow and get it shipped out. I think it will complement some of the other works in the show and I wanted to get it to Ranston as soon as possible."

"And that's all?" Brian was terrible at this. He knew how to manipulate, how to ask questions to make people give him the responses he wanted, and how to make people realize what they should be doing, but he was terrible at actually listening, actually talking. Communication was not Brian's strong suit.

"Yeah, that's all."

"Are you lying to me?"  
Justin took a deep breath, not sure how to answer the question. If he was honest with Brian then there's be all kinds of things to deal with that he just didn't want to deal with, and if he lied to him, he would be breaking the honesty policy they'd set, and admitting he'd been breaking it for a while, which could piss Brian off enough to send him away completely. He sat in silence.

"Justin, hey, Justin." Brian's voice brought him back to the question at hand.

"Promise you won't get mad?"  
"Tell me the truth."  
"You didn't promise."

Brian stood up, frustrated, "how the fuck am I supposed to know if I'll get mad?"  
Justin was not scared of Brian but his emotional reaction was unnerving.

"Fucking talk to me Justin."

Justin looked up at him. "Okay, sit down and we'll talk"

Brian poured himself a drink, and sat down. Justin took the drink and downed it in a single gulp. Brian gave a half laugh and poured them each another drink, and then sat back down, bottle on the table.

"I'm scared."

"Yeah, I know."

"No, I don't think you do. I get scared a lot still. But I've been good, I've been following the rules."

"Why?"  
Justin looked at him for a moment not understanding the question. "Why what?"  
"Why have you been following the rules?"  
"Because you told me to."

Brian sighed, downed his drink and poured another. "Do you know why we made the rules?"  
"Because I almost hurt myself."

"You DID hurt yourself, there was no almost about it. The rules aren't there to make me happy. You're just following them because you're afraid I'll be mad if you don't."  
"You're mad at me anyway."  
"I'm not mad at you."  
Justin rolled his eyes. "You forget sometimes that I know you better than anyone."  
"Justin I'm not mad, I'm frustrated."

"I'm following the rules, why would you be frustrated?"  
"Because I don't understand why…"

Brian stopped. "FUCK" he thought to himself, he hated words, they were great for selling stuff, but they sucked when it came to actually expressing emotions. If he were stoned he could go around in circles thinking about which caused which to lose meaning. Using the word love, entitlement, joy, promise, desire, all to describe a new moisturizer made the words mean nothing when it came time to say them for real, about something real. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried hard to clear his thoughts.

"What don't you understand Brian? I follow the rules because I don't want you to be unhappy."

Brian was ready to walk out but he tried to remain calm. "I don't understand why you don't care about yourself as much as I do."

"What?"  
"You eat, because I'd be upset if you didn't. You sleep, because I am upset when you don't. You do all the things you're supposed to so that I don't have to worry about you, but you don't worry about yourself."

"Brian I've been taking care of myself."

"When was the last time you went outside?"  
"This afternoon, I played with Gus."

"When was the last time you went out of the house, off the grounds, took that ugly orange box that you call a car out of the garage?

"Ummm."  
"Deb's two weeks ago?"  
"Yeah probably I've been really busy with…"

"You had to be buzzed to get there."

"Well, yeah, I've been having a lot of anxiety lately, because with the show coming up and…"

"Justin, you're not okay."  
"No Brian I am, I've been eating and sleeping, and look" he flexed his hand, "no pain"

"You really want me to shrug this off, pretend it's no problem, ignore it?"  
Brian turned his body towards Justin's, entwining his fingers with the smaller ones. He leaned his forehead against Justin's. "You're scaring me again, you eat, you sleep, you paint, you sketch, but you're not okay. Justin, I can't make you okay, you need to talk to someone."

"I talk to Daph, and to my mom, and Emmett and Lindsay and…."

"A professional."

Justin was crying but Brian didn't move his forehead from Justin's. He lifted their hands fingers still entwined, and wiped the tear away with his thumb. "I know you're scared, but you've gotta do this."

Justin gave an almost imperceptible nod. "Okay."

Brian pulled his head back, and kissed him on the forehead. "Good."

"Brian?"

"Mmmmmm?"

"Will you go with me?"

"If you want me to."

Justin leaned against him. "You know, I might be totally insane, what if they want to lock me away?"  
"I won't let them."

"You won't?"

"I'm the only one allowed to drug you and tie you to a bed."

Justin laughed. "Wanna practice?

Brian smiled and they walked upstairs.

An hour later, Justin was in fact tied to the bed, but he swore that he could hear the colors and Brian decided that if he was going to act like a tweaked out kid on E he'd have to cut his dose, but then he listened to Justin's elaborate and detailed description of what' he'd like Brian to do to him while he was bound and immobile, and Brian decided that maybe they needed to do this more often.

When they finally came down, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed smoking a joint they decided that caring communicative E administering Brian could come around as often as he liked.

Justin called Dr. McKenzie the next day to get a referral for a decent therapist. He gave him two numbers to call. Justin called both, and made the appointment for Tuesday morning at ten, he wanted to make it at a more convenient time for Brian but it was that, or two weeks from Thursday.

Brian had Cynthia clear his schedule for Tuesday morning and decided he was done telling himself that Justin was recovering nicely. Every time he convinced himself of that, something else came up. So for now, he was just relieved that this hurdle had been jumped. And then the perfect idea hit him for the stupid ad campaign for the new women's athletic line that Brown was launching.

He didn't look up from his desk again until five thirty.

Chapter 26

"We don't have to go."

"Yes we do."

It was Tuesday, they'd had this conversation more times than either cared to count over the weekend, but Justin thought it might be worth another shot.

"It's not gonna help anything."  
"Maybe not, you're still going."  
Justin stood in front of Brian, wrapping his arms around his neck, and nibbling on his Adams apple, as he pulled their bodies closer. Brian leaned in to nibble Justin's ear, his hands sliding down the smaller mans back, hands resting on his hips and pulling him even closer. "This isn't going to work," he whispered

"Dammit." Justin pulled away, "It was worth a try."

Justin followed Brian to the car, trying not to pout, and doing his best not to fidget too much.

The drive went in relative silence, except for the sound of Justin cracking his knuckles.

When they got to the office Justin was even more anxious, Brian thought he might have to physically drag him inside.

"Let's go princess."  
"This is a bad idea." Justin's eyes were wide with fear and Brian could see that he was having a difficult time breathing.

"Hey, it's just talking, for an hour, you're good at talking non stop."

"You'll be here there when I get out?"  
"Nope, I'm leaving you."

"Not. Funny."  
Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, he barely responded. He leaned in and kissed him again, feeling the boy respond a little more. He resumed his steady sucking on Justin's tongue until the hand he had placed on Justin's chest felt his breathing become deeper and slower.

Brian leaned away, ready to get out of the car but Justin pulled him back, moving in to kiss him harder, his hands wandering. Brian knew what he was doing, and it took all of his willpower to push him away. "Later, right now, you have a very expensive appointment."  
Justin pouted, but was feeling a little more relaxed, as Brian pulled him close and they walked together into the office.

Once Justin filled out a few forms, and Brian wrote a check, Justin disappeared into the inner office. Brian paced.

He wanted to sit, relax, and tell himself this was all okay, but he'd been doing that for months and that's what had gotten them to this point in the first place. He went outside to smoke a cigarette and paced in the bracing October air, he came back in, and paced in the elegantly appointed waiting room. Finally, 50 minutes later Justin reemerged. His eyes were red and puffy. He'd been crying.

Brian wasn't sure what to do, he wanted to pull Justin against him, but was hesitant. Justin walked past him and headed towards the car. They drove in silence for a few minutes while Justin tried to regain his composure. "I'm sorry."

Brian rolled his eyes.

"Don't, just let me talk for a minute."

Brian remained silent.

"I'm sorry that I expected so much of you. And I'm sorry that I'm making you take care of me, and I'm sorry that I'm not what you want, but I really do want to be."

Brian nodded. "I take care of you because I care, and you are supposed to expect things of me, I'm your…Brian, and when you're not what I want, I'll let you know, but I don't see that happening. What made you feel the need to apologize all of a sudden, you've been good about it for a while."

Justin took a deep breath. I was telling him the story, you know, how I ended up in his office, and you turned up in the story a lot."

Brian smiled, "I'm a main character in your life huh?"  
"Yeah, and I realized just how much I've put you through."

"Well, I've been really easy to live with. It is all your fault."

Justin reached for Brian's hand and the sat quietly just enjoying the feel of their hands resting comfortably. "Most people don't end up with their high school boyfriends." Justin said quietly.

"I wasn't your boyfriend."

Justin laughed, "Most people don't end up with their high school…Brian's"

"Do most people get a high school Brian?"  
"If we could market one we'd be rich."  
"Or we'd get sued for intolerable cruelty."  
Justin shrugged, "it wasn't so intolerable"

"Lunch?"

"We never did get to the paint loft, can we go?"  
"Sure, lunch at the diner, possibly get Deb off our cases, a quick run to the paint loft, and then perhaps, if you're very very good…"

Justin smiled, "what if I'm very very bad?"  
"That's even more fun."

The light banter relaxed them both as Brian headed into the city. He made a quick call to Cynthia to make sure all was well at the office, and there were no immediate fires to be put out, and then pulled up by the diner.

Michael and Emmett were in a booth and Justin slid in next to Emmett, Brian next to his best friend.

"Well, look who's out and about." Emmett said, casually slinging an arm over Justin's shoulder.

"Yeah, I've got some supplies to pick up, and um… I went to see a doctor."

"Sweetie, are you okay? You didn't… you know hurt yourself."

"No, I'm apparently insane, so Brian's making me see a shrink."

"Well it's about time" Michael said, "I've thought you were insane since you started hanging out with him, maybe the doctor can cure you."

"There is no cure" Brian said, Justin is sadly dealing with a lifelong addiction to me."

Justin rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue "I'll be cured of you someday…maybe when I'm as old as you are."

They all laughed, Brian was happy to see Justin's sense of humor return, even if it was at his expense.

They chatted and ate until Michael headed back to the store, reminding Justin that they needed to meet to finalize sketches and other plot issues. Justin nodded and Michael kissed Brian on the cheek before he left.

"So, what horrible new wedding disaster are you creating this month?" Justin asked.

"Ooh it's going to be fabulous." Emmett went on to describe at length the over the top over the rainbow gay commitment ceremony he was doing, he was in mid cake description when his phone rang. He didn't answer it but seeing who it was gave a wide smile. "Got to go, see you all later."

Justin stood up to let Emmett out of the booth. Brian leaned his back against the wall and Justin sat back down on Brian's side of the booth, leaning back against him.

"You know, someday I may have to cut Emmett's hands off," Brian said, pulling Justin a little closer to him.

"Hmmmm?" Justin said, leaning his head back, suddenly very tired.

"Why does he always drape himself all over you like that?"  
Justin gave a half smile; Brian's ridiculous jealousy that he'd never admit to, was one of his favorite things. "Because Emmett likes pretty things."

"I'm pretty, he doesn't hang all over me."

"Because then you _would_ cut his hands off."  
"Good point."

"You ever fuck Emmett?"  
Brian dropped his French fry back on the plate. "No."

Justin shrugged, "just wondering, I mean, small gay community worlds studliest top, worlds queenliest bottom, both so…tall, seems like it might work"

"I don't fuck my friends."  
"Yeah but you weren't always friends."

"What the fuck are we even talking about?"  
"Honestly I have no idea, I was just curious."

"Don't we have errands to run?"  
"Yes and then I'm supposed to be very very good, or was it very very bad?"  
Brian shrugged, pushing Justin forward a little, "either way." He leaned in to Justin's ear; "I'm going to give new meaning to the term intolerable cruelty."

Justin felt a warm flutter in his stomach, "lets get out of here."

Brian grinned and dropped the cash on the table as they left.

When they got to the art supply store Oswald did have everything he'd requested ready, but Justin insisted on walking up and down the aisles anyway. Brian wanted to be annoyed but he was just happy to see Justin out of the house. Justin was running his hand over some paintbrushes, enjoying the feel of the sable on his fingertips when he was hit with a wave of panic.

Brian was only half paying attention to Justin as a really hot guy was three aisles over. When he glanced back at Justin he knew there was something wrong.

"Justin." Louder this time "Justin!"

Blue eyes wide with fear met his. "It's okay" he pulled him closer, grabbed the box of supplies they'd already paid for and walked out of the store. Justin was barely breathing.

"Justin, come on, breathe" Brian knew it was a stupid thing to say the moment it left his mouth but there was a blue tinge to the boys lips.

Tears came, and Brian pulled the young artist's face against his chest as they stood in front of the store, box of supplies forgotten at their feet. As Justin sobbed, he took a deep inhale, and Brian let out the breath he'd been holding. He just stood there, unsure what to do next, unsure if there was anything he could do.

Several minutes later, he felt an arm grip his waist under his jacket, and Justin pulled away so that they were standing side by side. "That was stupid."

"No, it was brilliant."

"I'm sor…"

"Don't fucking apologize, it's okay."

"But…"

"Lets just get into the car, where we can turn the heat on, you're shivering."

Justin complied and once the car warmed up the conversation did too.

"Um, Brian?"  
"Mmmmmm?"  
"The doctor, you know the one I saw today, Dr. Blackstone"

"Yeah?"  
"He said that I need to see a real doctor."  
"I thought he was a real doctor."  
"No, he is, but he's just psychologist, he thinks I need to see a psychiatrist, for you know, medication."  
"So we make an appointment."

"He thinks I'm crazy."

"Did he say that?"  
"No, but wouldn't I have to be crazy?"  
"Well, I've always known you were a little…off."  
"Brian."  
"Justin, if you need to take something, take something, you can't live the rest of your life in fear of… what are you afraid of, any idea?"  
"Depends on when you ask me."  
"Right now."  
"I was afraid that if I bought the sable brush and tried to paint with it, my hand would go out of control like it used to and I'd fuck up something important."  
"Okay, but…"

"But that's a lie, cause that's just what I was afraid of today, yesterday it was that my mom was gonna call and tell me that Daph was dead, and last week it was that I was going to wake up and you'd be dead in a ditch on your way to work."

"Wow, you have a great imagination. What did the doctor have to say?"  
"A lot of technical stuff and that it was mostly just adrenaline rushes and fight or flight and the thoughts don't bring on the panic, but the panic creates the thoughts and that's why I need medicine."

Brian nodded. So, we switch you from poppers and E to whatever the good doctor says and you'll feel a little better.

"You won't think I'm a loser?"

"Not following your line of thinking."

"Well, you've been through way more shit in your life than I have and you manage without medication."

Brian looked over at him, for the first time wondering if Justin might be a little insane. "Justin, when have you ever seen me deal with shit without medication?"  
"Um…" Justin thought about it. "So you just drink and…"

"Yeah, but see, I know how to work around my issues, you're gonna need a little more help because you are stronger than I am, and actually work through them, so…"

Justin didn't say another word; he wasn't sure what to say. He knew he wasn't stronger than Brian, but he was too tired, too emotionally drained and too confused to even talk about it. He leaned his head back as the heat and the rhythm of the road soothed him. He closed his eyes.

Brian considered what Justin had told him, about his fear, and seeing a psychiatrist, and wondered, not for the first time, how the kid had held it together as long as he did. He never ceased to amaze him.

When they pulled back into the garage, Brian hated to wake him, but knew it would be cold in there soon. "Justin, we're home."

"Mmmmmm, was I good?"

Brian laughed as he walked the tired boy upstairs. "Very very."

Three days later the entire "We don't have to go" conversation was replayed to Brian's aggravation and Justin's frustration, and they went to see the psychiatrist Dr. Blackstone had recommended. Justin walked out of the office twenty minutes after entering with two prescriptions.

"It's official, I'm crazy."

"I thought we already knew that."  
"Brian, shut up."

The next couple of weeks went by relatively uneventfully. There was some decrease in the anxiety Justin felt, but for the most part they just worked, fucked, slept, ate and debated the important things in life, such as what to do with the boxes in the dungeon and which equipment was really necessary for the gym.

Justin was even starting to feel better, fewer anxiety attacks during the day, fewer nightmares at night. He and Brian were joking about something when the phone rang.

Brian was lighting a cigarette when he heard Justin's voice rise. He couldn't hear exactly what he was saying but he clearly heard the phone slammed down in the kitchen.

Justin sat down next to Brian, obviously agitated and took the cigarette out of Brian's hand, taking a long drag and then exhaling in exasperation.

Brian counted on his fingers, 4,3,2,1

"Fucking Ranston."

"What's he want?"  
"Contractual fucking obligation."

"When do you have to be in New York?"  
"I haven't given him a date yet, but he wants me there next week, and then the first two weeks in December."

"Two weeks in New York, sounds like fun."

Justin shot him an evil look

"What? Maybe it's time you got to enjoy New York."

"Fuck off"

He stormed upstairs; Brian put out his cigarette and followed.

Brian leaned against the doorframe amused, Justin was storming around the room, grabbing items and randomly throwing them into a duffle bag.

"I didn't mean you should leave tonight."

"I said fuck off."  
Brian shrugged and turned around to walk back downstairs.

"That's it? You're just going to let me go?"

Biting his lip, Brian did his best to keep his temper. "I've never tried to make you stay."

Justin sat down on the bed, "I don't want to leave."

"I know."

"I just…"

"What?"  
"I don't fucking know."

Brian gave out a half laugh and Justin looked up surprised. "You're laughing at me?"  
Brian tried his best, but he lost it "yeah, I think I am"

Justin started to laugh too. He walked across the room to hug Brian. "I think it's official, we're both batshit insane."

"Finally, you're listening to me."  
The taller man walked Justin backwards, pushing him down on the bed. "But I know a cure" he leaned over, pulling Justin's shirt over his head. "No, you drive me crazy when you do that."

"Really?" Raising his eyebrows and licking his lips, lets see how crazy you really can get.

And Brian slowly removed Justin's clothes, keeping his on while he tortuously teased Justin's body. Pushing the duffle bag off the bed, to leave it forgotten in a heap.

He lay his body against Justin's, and found himself on his back in seconds. Justin returned the favor, removing all of Brian's clothes, slowly. When they were both naked and panting, unaware of anything other than the feel of skin on skin, the tightening need in the pit of their stomachs the feel of hot wet tongue against hot flesh. Finally, when Justin was whimpering with need, and Brian wasn't sure he could hold off any longer he opened the condom wrapper with his teeth. As Justin heard the sound he rolled over, raising himself up onto his knees.

Brian pushed himself inside, his hand on the small of Justin's back, helping him to relax, and their easy rhythm became harder. Brian leaned against Justin; his chest melding to the younger mans back, their hands finding each other, fingers interlocked as their bodies combined again and again.

Brian didn't even need to touch Justin's cock, he felt him come as he stroked inside him. Increasing his rhythm until he too came, collapsing on Justin's inert form, resting a few moments before he rolled off in order not to crush him.

Justin was tired, his new meds made him feel a bit loopy sometimes, and Brian had just ridden him hard, and that was probably the reason he didn't censor himself when he said "Mmmmmm, that's why you're the only one I let do that."

He was curled up against Brian's chest, his fingers making lazy circles around his nipples, his eyes closed.

Brian sat up a little. "The only one recently?"  
"What?"  
"The only one you let do what?"  
Justin suddenly realized what he'd just said. "Shit."

"What?"  
"Nothing."  
"Justin, I'm the only one you let do what?"  
Justin was blushing, and Brian sat up, looking at him. He hadn't seen him blush in a while.

"Justin, the only one you let do what?"  
Justin rolled off of him and lay on his back, covering his face with his hands. He had never planned on telling this to Brian, never figured it would actually come up.

"Justin."

"Fuck me." He said in a small voice.

Brian let out a half laugh; "it's a little late to reinvent yourself as a virgin Justin."

Justin sat up, "you don't believe me?"  
"Justin, you've fucked a lot of people, I know, I've been there for oh, maybe half of them."

"I didn't say people I fuck, I said you're the only one… Oh, never mind."  
It was starting to dawn on Brian exactly what Justin meant. "You don't let anyone else top you?"  
Justin shook his head.

"Never?"  
Justin thought about it. "Once, and it sucked, so yeah, never."

"When was the once?"  
"Oh, I don't know, some guy I went with at Babylon, when I was like 18"

"And it sucked."

Justin shrugged.

Brian wanted to ask the question, Brian was afraid to ask the question; Brian couldn't conceive this to be the answer to the question. "Ethan?"

Justin just shrugged again, "I fucked him."

That shouldn't have made Brian feel better, he knew that, it shouldn't have made him happy, but it did. He had a wicked grin on his face.

Justin looked up after he realized Brian hadn't said anything in a while and laughed at the smirk Brian was wearing.

"You don't have to seem so self satisfied about it. I mean, I knew you didn't want me to, when we were together, whenever we took someone back, or even on date nights, no one fucked me but you, I guess I just got used to it."

"Got used to it." Brian repeated each word slowly, as if they had a hidden meaning he was trying to determine.

"Most guys are bad at it, and then it hurts and besides, it's nice to be in control sometimes. Don't you think?" Justin said, turning the tables on Brian.

"Mmmmmm, you know I love to be in control but if you don't like it, then why do you…I mean we, "

"Stop fishing for compliments"

Brian smirked again. "No one else huh?"  
Justin shook his head, "no one but you."  
The air was knocked out of Justin's lungs as Brian pounced on him, his body stretched fully against him, every inch of his naked skin covered in Brian. Justin thought he was floating, or drowning in him, and didn't care as Brian's planted possessive kisses on his mouth, his eyes, his shoulders his chest. And he heard the one word Brian kept repeating as he moved his mouth down Justin's body. "Mine" it was a growl, a whisper, a prayer, and a statement, and Justin sighed as he realized that he may possibly have given far more information than the already healthy ego could withstand.

When they awoke in the morning Brian's self satisfied grin was still in place and Justin was complaining half heartedly about the number of bite marks and hickeys Brian had left while claiming his body repeatedly. "Sheesh, I look like I have leprosy"

Brian laughed, toweling Justin's hair dry.

"You look," he said, moving his mouth down Justin's neck, "like you're mine." And Justin moaned, leaning over the bathroom counter as Brian leaned into him. They'd have to shower again, but they were both okay with that.

Chapter 27

Justin was getting better at handling drunk "I don't want to fly" Brian. First he made sure Cynthia faxed over a detailed itinerary, with flight numbers, hotel reservation codes, and anything else he might need should Brian be unable to remember the particulars. Then he prepared himself for the shameless flirtation with the flight attendants, be they male or female.

And he was never opposed to the way Brian proved he was still alive after such a harrowing ordeal as a 50 minute flight from Pittsburgh to New York.

Justin was straightening his clothes, and wiping at his mouth when Brian emerged from the stall in a similar state of dishevel. He handed him a bottle of water, and wrapped his arm around his waist, heading for the cabstand. Flying with Brian wasn't _so_ bad.

It was the same hotel, same room, and Justin was relieved to see that. It somehow made him more comfortable. He wondered if Brian told Cynthia to do that, or if she just knew, or maybe this was where Brian always stayed when he had business in New York. He actually did have business this trip.

He had three meetings set up for tomorrow, which was fine with Justin who was planning on spending the day at the Ranston Gallery going over placement of pieces for the show and seeing what else was being shown with his stuff.

They had left Pittsburgh at 11:30 am, it was only a little before two by the time they were checked in. They had an entire day ahead of them and no plans.

"We should go sight seeing."

Brian glared.

"To see what? Tall buildings, green French women with torches, ground zero?"  
Justin shrugged, "I've visited New York, I technically lived here, and I've seen very little of it."

"Well, then we should see the important parts." Brian said, "Christopher Street, Soho, The Village."

Justin laughed, "You want to go gawk and the New York gay scene?"

"We could do more than gawk."

Justin smiled, he had an idea what Brian had in mind, but wasn't sure. He shrugged, "Let me take a shower and we'll head out."

Brian joined him in the shower, and later on the floor of the bathroom, and then across the bed, and it was well past five before the two of them locked the hotel room door behind them and made their way to an area more conducive to a friendly drink.

They walked down the street arm in arm until they found a likely looking establishment. Well it wasn't the looks that drew them it was the sound. The beat could be felt in the pavement. Justin grabbed Brian's hand and opened the door.

They made their way to the bar surveying the patrons as they went. "This'll do" Brian said, smiling. Justin's smile just got wider as he ordered them a couple of double beams and turned around back and elbows against the bar surveying the dance floor.

Brian downed his drink and pulled Justin forward until they were forehead to forehead on the floor, moving to the music.

They danced for a while, losing themselves in the beat. Justin knew what Brian wanted, and he wanted it too, it had been a while, but he also knew that Brian was somehow different this time around, that he'd have to make the first move. He pulled the taller man up a set of steps to better scope out the candidates.

"Him?"  
Brian shot Justin a glance and once again marveled at the boy's ability to know him so well. He shook his head "Bad chin."

"Him" Brian pointed. Justin wrinkled his nose, "Too young." Brian's eyebrows shot up but he continued to scan the floor.

"Him." Brian followed Justin's gaze to the tall blonde with close-cropped hair and a great ass. "Him." Brian agreed as the two made their way towards their prey.

The three of them were in a cab when the trick offered up his name, neither was paying attention. He was sitting between the two of them and they leaned over and kissed each other, their hands roaming along the mans thighs as their tongues dueled.

When they were finally in the hotel room, Justin stood behind the man and Brian in front of him, and their hands worked together to remove his clothing. Their mouths and hands showing their interest in him, while their eyes remained on each other.

Brian established the rules quickly as he turned the man around so that Justin had an opportunity to work his magical tongue against the tricks nipples. "We top, no kissing, and anything else we'll let you know."

The guy nodded in agreement as Brian rolled a condom onto Justin. "I want to watch you fuck him." he whispered into Justin's ear, and Justin's dick jumped at the sound.

"Suck him off." Justin instructed the trick as Brian sat up against the headboard. The guy eagerly crawled forward, taking Brian into his mouth. Justin ran his hands along the guys back, scratching lightly and he moaned into Brian who threw his head back a little.

He didn't take his eyes off his beautiful blondes face as he entered this random stranger with a power and command Brian had forgotten Justin possessed. He started slowly, stroking in and out in long easy movements. The guy was loving it, using his tongue well, and taking all of Brian into the back of his throat.

Justin wrapped a hand around the tricks cock, holding it steady, "Don't come 'til I tell you to." The trick, bob, bill, brad, something like that moaned his understanding around Brian's shaft.

Justin forgot what it was like, to fuck someone else, to feel the heat around him and still watch Brian's eyes, watch his face in those agonizingly beautiful moments of pleasure. Forgot how good it felt to bring a stranger into the mix and still feel like they were the only two people in the room.

When Brian started to come, Justin increased his momentum, moving faster, pushing harder, but not letting the trick go yet, holding him off until his own orgasm was imminent. When he came inside him, Justin let out a moan, leaning forward to kiss Brian, their mouths meeting with intensity, their hands on each other, the man they were both inside all but forgotten.

As Brian lay back and Justin pulled out, bob, bill…whatever rolled over, and began to jerk himself off. Brian grabbed his wrist to stop him. "We're not done yet." The new stud whimpered but allowed Brian to reposition him on his back. This time Brian slid on a condom, pushing into the guy hard. Justin was on his knees, turning the tricks head to the side, so that that he could push himself into the willing mouth. He began sucking in earnest. And Brian and Justin's hands roamed his body while their mouths met again and again, stopping only when they felt they might pass out from lack of air.

When Justin came, bobuckbuddy licked lightly, cleaning Justin's dick completely, using his hands to pull Justin closer too him, and as Brian leaned into him full force, pushing against the mans prostate until he was moaning and pleading for release Brian stroked his cock a few times lightly, and the trick came. Justin smiled down at him as Brian threw his head backwards and felt his balls draw up. He came after a few more pounding strokes. And lay back on the bed.

"You done with him?" Brian asked Justin.

Justin nodded "You?"  
The two were sitting next to each other on the bed Justin leaning his head against Brian's shoulder their hands intertwined. Brian kissed Justin again, "Oh yeah."

Brian turned his attention to the sated and sticky man on the bed. "You can go."

He looked confused, but he began to quickly pull his clothes on. "Hey you guys were great if you're ever in the city again."

Justin's eyes met his and he just shook his head. "Repeats aren't our thing."

Brian laughed out loud as the guy, in shoes and pants, still shirtless walked out, closing the door behind him.

"Fuck I love you" Justin said, rolling on top of Brian, and kissing him again, down his neck, his shoulder, his chest. Stopping to pay special attention to his nipples. He moved all the way down until he was staring directly at Brian's once again eager dick. He leaned in to lick it, taking it down his throat, bobbing his head over it until Brian pulled him off. "I'm going to fuck you."

Justin moaned, as Brian slipped a condom on. He lay Justin on his side, and slid into him, moving slowly at first but soon Justin was desperate, begging to be fucked harder, faster, more.

"Christ you're a bossy bottom tonight." Brian said, pulling himself out of Justin to reposition him onto his back. "You want it hard?"  
"Oh yeah." Justin said. The wanton look and his body's reaction to every touch made Brian's need even more intense as he slammed into him.

He fucked Justin hard, at times he would stop, holding off his own climax, making it last longer, and each time he did Justin whimpered and begged and eventually Growled. "FUCK ME!" And Brian did, hard and fast, brutal and bruising, and Justin moaned with pleasure.

Brian held his hand at Justin's throat, feeling his pulse, and squeezed. At first Justin's eyes shot open with fright, but in a moment Brian let go, and when Justin felt the rush of air back into his body, he understood. He threw his head back, exposing his neck, giving Brian silent permission to take it further and Brian did. They'd done this before, once or twice, but not in a while, and Brian was careful, measuring Justin's pulse, watching his breathing, holding off the inflow of air just long enough to give Justin that little high. Then he'd let go, and as Justin gasped for air, he'd pound into him harder.

He watched Justin's body, and felt his own orgasm pushing him to the brink, he squeezed again, and Justin saw stars, his head thrown back, mouth open but unable to take in any air, and as Brian felt himself about to come he fisted Justin's cock a few times, and then he let go.

Justin inhaled deeply and came harder than he ever had before. Gasping and moaning. Brian came just a moment after that, feeling Justin's body convulsing around him, milking him with each spasm. Brian collapsed on top of him, his chin against Justin's shoulder, their bodies tangled together, their sweat and come and breath combined.

Ten minutes passed, and then twenty. Finally Justin pushed at Brian's shoulder and he rolled over. "Now do I make the top ten?"  
Brian laughed, "I think you may have broken the top three this time."

And they fell asleep, sticky and sated.

The next morning they both hurried to be ready for their meetings on time, but hot showers, and wet naked Brian had a tendency to make Justin forget all about time and contractual obligations. Which in all fairness, Brian didn't seem too concerned about until he couldn't find his black shoe.

"I'll bet that fucker stole it."  
"Brian why would a nameless trick steal a single black Prada shoe?"  
Brian didn't have an answer for that, but he continued to bitch about it until Justin pulled it from under the bed.

"How the fuck did it get there?"  
"It's a mystery, how the fuck did I get come in my ear last night?"  
Brian smiled his tongue pushing out his cheek "It's a mystery."

They kissed quickly (for them) and left for their respective appointments.

"I've got my phone with me, call if you need anything."

"I will, you'll be at the show tonight, 8:30?"

"Have I missed one yet?"

"Later."  
"Later."  
And they walked in separate directions hailing separate cabs.

Brian's first meeting went well, the client was impressed with his ideas and the deal was inked.

Justin's day was not going quite as well. "I don't want to show those tonight, I wanted those to be part of the December show." He told Ranston.

"They're a large set, I'm concerned that if we don't show them together, and without as many distractions from your other work we won't get a reasonable asking price."

Justin sighed, he hated the part of his art that was about money, especially these, the five pieces he'd practically killed himself over. "Pick any six other pieces you want. But those are NOT to be unveiled until December."  
Ranston sighed, he hated the part of business that required dealing with artists, but he eventually acquiesced.

They spent the next several hours debating which six pieces would be shown this evening. Justin wanted one of the newer ones, which had been shipped separately from the original set he'd sent but Ranston seemed reluctant.

"What's wrong with the new stuff?"  
"It seems to be…."

"What?"  
"Well, less, intense somehow."

Justin pushed his hand through his hair and stood back to stare at the pieces that were lined up against the wall. He bit at the side of his right thumb, deliberating. He knew Ranston was right, that the pieced he'd done once he started following all those fucking rules were less intense, less angry, less…well just less, but what the fuck could he do?

He pulled out a landscape he'd completed only weeks ago, "It looks like a starving artist show at the Marriott" he thought to himself. He pulled out a few others. They weren't all that bad, and in all fairness, it was based on a sketch he'd done for Gus.

Eventually, after several hours he and Ranston came to an agreement on what would be up for the night, and Justin put a tiny yellow sticker on the back of each piece. "The sticker goes on the bottom, make sure they don't hang them upside down this time."

Ranston smiled, and shook his hand as the young artist left. It was after five and he apparently had dinner plans before the show this evening.

Brian's next meeting was a little more amusing. It was with Corthometics, a large and well funded but still relatively obscure Cosmetics Company that was looking to market themselves in a more upscale manner. Brian met with Pamela; the director of marketing, and her assistant, turns out his name was Bob. Brian smiled at him, his face showing no recognition; Bob wasn't as skilled at hiding his surprise. But in the end, Brian had a good feeling about his chances with this account.

His third meeting was a waste of time, some asshole with a bad idea for an online service looking to market it as something other than a useless waste of bandwidth. Brian did his best to convince the client that there were a few interesting ways to market a product but the Mr. Tanner fancied himself a creative type and wanted something that wouldn't work. Brian wasn't worried. The entire company would be out of business in months if not weeks. He checked his watch, it was well after seven. Hailing a cab he decided to go directly to the gallery.

As Justin was leaving the gallery, heading back towards the hotel he felt an arm on his shoulder and heard his name. "Fuck."

"Justin."

Justin spun around "Ethan."

"I was hoping I'd find you here."

Justin looked pointedly toward the window of the gallery where a sign with his name prominently displayed stared out at both of them. He was tired, and just wanted to go home, maybe shower, change, and grab some food before he had to be back.

"I was hoping we could talk."

"About what?"

"Well, just, I mean, we haven't really spoken since…"

"Since you cheated on me, lied to me, fucked with me?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't still be bitter."

"I'm not bitter Ethan, I'm tired."

"I could buy you a cup of coffee."

"I can buy my own coffee." Justin started to walk away.

"Justin." He turned again, his eyes narrowed.

"Go away."

"Just a cup of coffee."

Justin sighed, and nodded, and the two walked silently the couple of blocks to a Starbucks. Justin sat down at a table, not sure why he was even there.

Ethan went to the counter and was back several minutes later with two large latte's.

"Extra foam and cinnamon, the way you like it."

Justin nodded and took the cup from him, waiting for Ethan to start.

"I'm sorry."

Justin wondered how long you had to be in or out of a relationship before you were allowed to ban words, and if his statute of limitations was up on this one.

"Sorry's bullshit."

"I was wrong."

Justin snorted derisively, "About what exactly?"  
"I was wrong to hurt you, wrong to take you for granted, wrong to ask you to put up with that stupid contract."

"No, you were wrong to fuck someone else when you said you wouldn't."

"I was wrong about that too."

"Okay, so you're sorry, and you were wrong and it was over three years ago, so…"

"So I was wondering if there was a chance that we could…start over. I miss you."

"What exactly about me do you miss? You never even fucking knew me."

"I knew you, I knew what a talented and smart man you are and I knew I loved you."

Justin wanted to scream, to cry, to walk away. These were the pretty words he'd left Brian for?

"So is there any hope that we could be…friends?"  
"No."

"Justin, I'm asking you for your forgiveness."

"And you have it okay, I forgive you for being a self absorbed asshole who couldn't go an entire day without getting laid but we'll never be friends, because as a rule I am not friends with people who lie to me."

"Brian lied to you all the time."

Justin pushed his hands in the pocket of his jacket to keep from pouring his coffee over Ethan's head. "Brian had nothing to do with why we broke up, and he never lied to me, you still don't get it do you?"  
"I guess not, so why don't you explain it to me."

"I don't have to. I don't owe you anything anymore."

"We were lovers, we were partners we were…"

Justin cut him off. "We _were_ a lot of things, but now you're an old bad stupid mistake, a memory, and ex and I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone. If you'll excuse me, I have to go home and change, I have a show in less than two hours."

"Home, you live in New York now?"  
Justin saw the hope in Ethan's eyes and he wanted to tell him that he'd found that lovely country home they used to talk about, and he lived in it, with a beautiful studio and a beautiful man, but it was none of Ethan's business. "No, back to my hotel, I still live in Pittsburgh."

Justin grabbed his bag, slung it over his shoulder and hailed a cab.

He took a hot shower, but not hot enough to burn away the aggravation the day had left him with. Brian hadn't come back to the room, and as he dressed he called his voicemail. There were two messages, one from Daphne wishing him luck, and one from Brian saying he was running too late to come back and change but he'd be at the gallery.

Justin put on his shoes and jacket and headed back to the gallery, hoping tonight went quickly.

The gallery was already half full by the time he arrived. He checked his coat and his eyes scanned the room. Brian was in front of him with a glass of champagne before he really had a chance to look for him. He kissed Brian and sighed "I've missed you today."

He saw the smile reach all the way to his hazel eyes. "It's only been a couple of hours."

"They were very long hours, promise me we're going straight back to the hotel after the schmoozefest."

"I promise." Brian nodded solemnly, the smirk never leaving his lips and the humor never leaving his eyes.

Justin leaned against Brian for a moment as though borrowing strength and then stood back, straightened his shoulders, plastered a smile on his face and began to circulate.

Brian watched Justin carefully from afar for most of the evening. Ranston had a tendency to usher Brian away each time he headed towards the increasingly popular artist. Apparently it was better to leave him ambiguously gay and somewhat available. Brian understood the sales technique and thus simply stood around looking bored, he fit right in with the rest of the pretentious clientele.

He had already scoped out the pieces Justin was showing before his arrival. A large angry canvass of color and action, a smaller piece that looked suspiciously like something Gus might have made, until you looked closer, and saw that each stroke and each detail told a story, tiny pictures and symbols buried in the seemingly simplistic design. A landscape of their house, including a small orange blur that Brian knew to be Justin's ugly car, and a couple of other works that Brian had seen before.

He was glancing over at some of the work by another featured artist, trying to decide if this one was right side up or upside down. Justin approached him, apparently Ranston was busy with a wealthy patron and thus Brian was now allowed within five feet of the "very talented young man."

The were discussing the possibility that this artists piece was in fact hung the wrong way when Ethan approached them.

Justin was standing so close to Brian that they were almost touching, and Brian was holding back the urge to sling his arm over his shoulders and pull him close.

The blonde felt Brian's body tense next to his before it registered. He looked up and Brian's eyes had lost all humor, they were dark.

"Justin, I wanted to stop by to tell you that your work is amazing."

Justin simply nodded, willing the stupid fiddler away  
"I'm sorry we couldn't have talked longer this afternoon, I really wish you'd let me take you to dinner, we still have a lot to say to each other."

Justin leaned in closely to Ethan, shaking his hand, and once their faces were mere inches apart, and Justin knew that Brian's anger was peaking he spoke.

"Fuck Off."

Ethan looked up pretending to just notice Brian. "You two are back together?"

"He said Fuck Off." Brian gritted through clenched teeth.

Ethan shrugged, wandering off, pretending not to be intimidated.

Justin held Brian's arm and pulled him around to a private corner. "I was going to tell you, I didn't have time, I ran into him on my way back."

'What did he want?"

"Me."

"Really?"

"He's an asshole Brian, I told him that when I left him, I told him that when I saw him this afternoon, and I'll tell him again if I have to. What the fuck did I ever see in him?"

Brian shrugged.

"Why didn't you tell me I was being a stupid kid?"  
"If I stopped to tell you that every time you were being a stupid kid, I'd never have a chance to say anything else."

Justin scrunched up his nose and stuck out his tongue.

Brian slung his arm around Justin's shoulders, he walked him back out to the show, and then leaned in, claiming Justin's mouth with his own. Justin kissed him back, not giving a shit what Ranston thought. Brian's hands caressed Justin's back and eventually when they broke their kiss Justin leaned against the taller man as he slung his hands over Justin's shoulders. Their fingers intertwined and they surveyed the clientele.

Justin briefly wondered what was going through Ethan's mind.

Brian had only one thought in his "Mine."

Ethan had watched Justin rush Brian to a more private area and secretly hoped he'd caused a problem between the two, but when they emerged, and he saw them together, their easy grace, the way they fit, their obvious connection he simply left, he realized now that he'd never stood a chance.

After 11 Justin and Brian hailed a cab and discussed their plans for the next day. Technically they had the room until Monday but both realized what they really wanted was to go home.

It was Sunday morning when they pulled the car into the driveway, they were back earlier than expected, but the plans for dinner and a show before a late flight seemed less appealing than returning home before anyone knew they were there. Brian barely admitted it to himself but Justin's seeming recovery was still too tenuous and they'd had too many scenes at that particular hotel, he was all too happy to leave, with a mental note to get Cynthia to find another Five Star place in New York and set up an account.

"What's Michaels car doing in the driveway?"  
Brian shrugged," He's probably at Lindsay's to see JR"

Justin nodded. "No one knows we're back?"

"Not a soul."

He hit the code to unlock the door and Brian's mouth was on Justin's before he could say anything about grabbing their bags and unpacking.

Brian continued to kiss him, backing Justin slowly up the foyer steps, and through the great room. Their shirts were left where they were removed as they continued their long kiss, and grope session heading towards the bedroom.

"I'm going to fuck you until you see stars," Brian whispered, his hands pushing at Justin's hips as he guided the blonde towards the bedroom.

They opened the door and Justin moaned into Brian's mouth when he heard a gasp, it was coming from the bed.

Justin turned around to see Hunter, Naked, laying on top of someone who's only visible features were her bound arms and the legs she had wrapped around Hunters back. Whomever he was with was obviously there voluntarily.

"Should we have knocked?" Brian asked.

Justin was aggravated. "What the hell are you doing here?"  
"What does it look like?"

"Who let you in?"  
"Mikey has a key, Duh."  
Brian was amused, Justin less so. "Well get the fuck out of my bed."

"Fine Christ," Hunter muttered as he stood up. When Hunter stood Justin got a look at who it was laying beneath him. He turned his back quickly. "And fucking untie my sister!" Justin yelled as Brian became more amused and Justin's temper hit full throttle.

Chapter 28

"Erm, hi Justin." Molly said hesitantly, her face bright red, as she waved a bound hand towards her brother.

Justin didn't notice, he stormed out of the room. Brian raised his eyebrows at the two "get dressed." And followed his irate little blonde.

He found Justin sitting head in hands on the sofa in the great room. Brian bit his lip trying not to laugh. He sat down beside him.

"Well, at least she's not dating someone too old for her."

Justin had never wanted to hit Brian so much in his life. "Fuck you."  
"Oh, come on, it's funny, except for the part where they're on our 1200 thread count sheets, that fuckers going to pay for those."

"Brian there is nothing funny about this!"

Brian was about to list the numerous amusing things in the situation when both Hunter and Molly quietly came down the steps hoping to escape unnoticed. Their attempt failed.

"Get the fuck over here!" Justin yelled, standing up his face red with anger, and his voice brooking no argument. Brian wanted to mention to Justin that he wasn't wearing a shirt, had about half a dozen hickeys currently visible and one that was disappearing into his waistband but thought better of it and instead simply threw his discarded sweater to him.

Justin was pacing now as Molly red faced and quiet and Hunter, relaxed and seemingly amused sat on the sofa across from them.

Justin tried to gather his thoughts, he tried to focus but all he could think about was killing Hunter in about a thousand different ways. As each new method came to him he turned and paced in the other direction.

Brian wanted to say something, to calm Justin down, to maybe convince Molly that her brother wasn't about to kill her, although he wasn't entirely sure of that, and to get Hunter to wipe that smug satisfied smile off his face. He had no idea what to say to accomplish any of this so he leaned against the doorframe of the dining room watching the scene play out.

Finally Justin gave up with creative ideas and just lunged, deciding he'd figure out how to remove Hunters head, including that obnoxious grin once he had his arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

Brian watched Justin stop pacing, he saw him lunge, and realized that maybe he was more upset than he'd originally factored. He tried to pull him off of Hunter. Molly was screaming, and Hunters arms were flailing about. Brian didn't blame him but he'd be damned if he'd let him hit Justin anyway. He finally got the blonde under control, or at least off of Hunter. He held him, Justin wasn't comforted, he struggled.

"Justin, c'mon, you're not going to accomplish anything this way."  
"I don't want to accomplish anything, I want to kill him." With renewed strength Justin tried again to escape Brian's hold.

"STAY HERE." Brian commanded the younger couple as he maneuvered the struggling man into the kitchen. He handed him a bottle of water from the fridge. Justin threw it at Brian's head. He ducked and tried again not to laugh. "What exactly is the issue here?"  
"He's fucking my sister!"  
"I'm fucking her brother, you don't see her trying to take my head off."  
"That's different."

"Why?"  
"Because he's fucking my sister."

"Glad we're using logic."

"Brian do you have a sister?"

"Yeah, you've met her, she's a cunt."

"And you don't care who fucks her?"  
Brian tried to think if he'd ever cared, but he hadn't, he and his sister didn't have that kind of relationship. "My family is a bad template to use."  
Justin's breathing was more regular now, his face less mottled with rage, "He still needs to die."

"Justin, has forbidding a couple to be together ever worked?"

Justin took a deep breath. "No. That's why he has to die."  
Brian ran a hand through his hair, and then pinched the bridge of his nose trying to figure out a way to get this over soon, he still had plans to fuck Justin, well, once they'd changed the sheets. "Why don't you just go talk to them."

"Because he has to die."

"Would you stop fucking saying that."

"Why?"  
"Because you and Mikey are finally on good terms if you kill Hunter that might change."

"Oh fuck, we should call Michael and Ben."

"Yes, because they'll be rational and helpful."  
"Brian?"  
"Yes sunshine?"  
"Will you help me kill him, we could bury him behind the lake, no one needs to know."

"You know, eventually someone was going to fuck your sister, she's 17." Brian thought about adding that Hunter may not even be the first, but he wasn't sure how much Justin could take before his head exploded. He handed Justin a beer, and then poured him a double Gray Goose. "Drink this, and then go talk to them, your sister's scared to death, and I'm sure you'll find just the right words to put the fear of god, and big brothers everywhere into Hunter."

Justin swallowed the drink in a single gulp and held out the glass. Brian refilled it. When Justin was somewhat calmer, they both carried their beer back towards the couple that was currently involved in some heavy petting on the sofa. Justin lunged again, but this time Brian held him back more easily and the couple separated quickly upon hearing the commotion.

"How long." It was the first almost rational thing Justin had said since he'd come home.

"Justin, we've been dating for a while."

"How long is a while Mollusk?"

"Don't call me that, and like three months."

Justin buried his face in his hands again. "That's not a while."

"Well how long were you and Brian together before you…" she trailed off. Brian smirked, wondering how Justin was going to answer this one because twenty minutes seemed like it might actually be exaggerating the truth.

"That's not the point."

"I really like Molly." Hunter broke in, "and I don't see why this is such a big deal to you."

"She's my sister." Justin said, teeth gritted and brain spinning. He knew, logically that he was being ridiculous, that she was the same age he was when he met Brian, that she'd waited three months longer than he had. He knew all of this and what he couldn't stop was the irrational anger that someone was touching his sister. He suddenly understood how hard his relationship with Brian must have been on his mother, gay or straight, Jesus, she's just a kid.

"You're just a kid."

Molly snorted, "hardly."

"Look, I wouldn't hurt her, and we were safe." Justin had forgotten, had put it out of his mind, his anger had been about something else. Hunter was positive. FUCK!

Brian watched the change in Justin's features, and realized that things were actually now more dangerous. "Hunter, go home."

Hunter protested. "Hunter. Go. Home." Brian said, leading the kid towards the door, "You'll see Molly again I promise."

"Like you'd have anything to say about it." Brian considered helping Justin bury him behind the lake, but settled for pushing the littlest hustler out the door and closing it behind him.

"I'll be upstairs, changing the sheets." He looked at Molly pointedly and she blushed a similar shade to her brother. "You two should talk."

Molly moved to sit next to her brother, taking his hand in hers. "Justin."

"Yeah?"  
"You okay?"  
"No."  
"I am."  
"No you're not."

Molly was trying to be understanding, but Justin was being a dick.

"Fuck you I am fine."

"Molly, he's positive." Justin said it quietly.  
"You think I don't know that? Do you really think I'm some dumb kid who'd just go off and sleep with a guy she didn't even know?" Justin buried his head deeper into his hands, trying to battle the horrible screams of hypocrite that were assailing his brain from within.

"I know everything about him, his shitty mother, his shitty life, his shitty disease. He's a good man, he's a nice guy, he opens doors, and when we're alone he's different, not so arrogant and annoying and he likes me, and I love him and why can't you just be happy for me?"  
Justin wanted to call his mother and apologize for everything ever.

"Because you're my little sister and I worry about you."

"Yeah well I haven't been a little girl for a while, and you haven't been around much, in case you forgot."

Justin looked up sharply. His eyes meeting Molly's, he knew what she'd said was true. He'd left when she was 12, and hadn't lived at home since, they'd stayed in contact but not like they should have, not like he should have. "Christ Molly, I'm sorry, I've been a shitty brother."

"No Justin, you've been fine, but you can't just walk in now and start telling me what to do."

"Okay, lets start here, how bout if I can tell you what you can't do IN MY BED!"

Molly looked down at her hands. "Hunter said you wouldn't be back until late tonight or tomorrow."

"But why here?"  
"Well we can't all have old boyfriend with their own apartments." Justin gave a half smile. "You should dump him, and join a convent."

"We're not catholic."

"Then just dump him and…"

"I'm not gonna dump him Justin, I love him."  
He wanted to tell her that there was no way to know who you loved at 17, but then he heard Brian coming down the steps and realized nothing he said was going to make an impact.

"Does mom know?"  
"About Hunter?"

"No, about your mid term exams."  
"She knows I've been seeing someone and that he's about my age, she wants to meet him."  
"She already has."

"She doesn't know that part yet."

"What about Michael and Ben?"  
"Yeah they know, but not about using your house, Hunter said Michael would kill him."  
"Michaels not the only one." Brian said, lounging easily on the chair. "What the fuck were you doing in our room?"  
"We already covered this." Justin said.

Brian nodded, taking the hint to shut up.

"Moll, let me drive you home, and you have to tell mom."

"Justin."  
"I'm not telling her, it's your turn."

Molly pouted and Brian noticed that the two shared more than hair color.

"Fine, but can we take the 'vette, your car is ugly."

Brian laughed out loud, "You know, if I were straight…"

Justin gave him a look that promised horrible nights of torture and not in a fun way if he didn't shut up right then and there.

"We're taking my car."

The siblings talked on the ride home and Justin somehow managed to swallow almost half of his anger by the time he pulled into the garage. He was still furious but somewhere the rational side of his brain was reminding him that he had no right to be. His head hurt as though the rational side and the pure protective brother side were actually having a death match in his cerebellum. He walked directly into the den, and pulled out Brian's stash.

Brian removed the canister from Justin's hand. Before he even had time to protest he simply explained. "You can't roll a joint for shit."

He expertly rolled one, and while Justin lit it rolled another, he had a feeling this might take several before Justin was mellow enough to be considered okay.

They were working on their third joint, silently, both drinking directly from their respective bottles. Brian felt the event called for scotch. Justin had always been a rum fan in times of family crisis.

"We have to buy a new bed."

Brian raised his eyebrows, it was his only movement. They were on the sofa, Justin sitting/slouching, Brian on his back head on Justin's lap.

"We're not getting rid of our bed."

Justin shuddered, "We're never having sex in that bed again."

"Hey, I'm not happy about our bed being used for breeder sex either but…"

"My sister, Hunter is fucking my sister."

"I thought we covered that hours ago."

"It keeps popping back in my head, like that stupid pink bunny."

"There's a pink bunny in your head?"  
"That battery bunny."

"Oh yeah, the guy who thought of that was brilliant."

"I liked those other ads better."

"Which ones?"

"The ones that were dumb but meant we could afford the kitchen stuff."

Brian laughed a little. "They weren't dumb."

"Were too, but they also mean we can afford a new bed."

"I changed the sheets."

"Did you burn the old ones?"

"I think a run through the spin cycle should get all the sister juice out."

Justin shuddered again, exhaling and passing the joint to Brian, and taking a deep pull from the rum, "don't say sister juice."

"What should I call it?"  
"Nothing, don't call it anything, she's 12"

"No, I think she's older."

"Can't she just be 12?"  
"Only if I can be 19 forever."

"19?"  
"Yeah, perfect body, never had to work out, never needed sleep, fucked all day, all night, nineteen was a good year."

"you still do all of that, except you work out."

"And I need at least 6 hours of sleep."

"A week?"  
Brian laughed again, "Yes, with you I get about six hours of sleep a week."

"I'm sorry."

Brian reached a hand up, trying to put his fingers on Justin's lips to shush him, but he missed and ended up with a finger halfway into his nose.

"Hey, when they say penetrate every orifice, I think it's just an expression." Justin wrinkled his nose and swatted Brian's hand away.

"I was trying to get you to shut up."

"Why?"  
"Because you were breaking a rule I think."  
"No I wasn't I was saying you should sleep more, like now." He ran his hands through the brown hair lying on his lap, running gentle fingers over his eyelids, pulling them closed. "Shhhh" sleep.

Inhaling deeply through his nose Brian savored the feel of Justin's fingertips on his face. His eyes were closed which is why he didn't have a chance to move his head before Justin's hand slapped down hard on his forehead.

Justin soothed Brian and then lay his own head back, only to have the image that was now burned into the back of his eyelids return. He slapped his hand against his thigh, forgetting that Brian's head was currently resting there.

"Ouch."  
"I'm sorry."

"That's the rule! That's the rule you broke!"

"You're drunk I didn't break a rule."

"You aren't allowed to say that word. And again ouch."

"Even if I hit you in the head?"

"Even then."

"Then I'm not sorry, but I should call my mom, and tell her I'm sorry."

"Did you hit your mom in the head?"  
"No but Brian, I fucked you after 20 minutes when I was 17, what the fuck was I doing?"  
"You were doing me, and it was hot."

"Yeah but my mom must have been really upset."

Brian chuckled, "She got over it."

"I'm never getting over it, we have to switch rooms."

"We're not switching rooms."

"Hunter was naked in our room."

"Well, it's not the first time Hunters been naked."

"It better be the first time he's been naked in our bed."

"I'm sure it was."

"Oh god Brian, what if it wasn't?"  
Brian reached for another joint, and lit it, inhaling deeply and passing it to Justin who was obviously not stoned enough yet. "I'm sure it was."

"He had her tied to the bed."

"Mmmmmm hmmmm." There was no good response to that statement.

"We have to sell the house, we need a whole new house"

"Brian sat up, put out the roach Justin was holding and pulled Justin off the sofa, "That's it, lets go."

"Where are we going?"  
"To bed, we're going to re-christen it."  
"I'm serious, we're never ever ever having sex there again."

"Okay." Brian continued to lead the staggering blonde towards the bedroom.

"Never ever ever ever ever."

Brian nodded at him, while they walked upstairs.

"Not ever again."

He pushed Justin back on the bed, pulling off his pants, and then his shirt. The entire time Justin was simply repeating the phrase "never ever"

When they were both naked Brian allowed Justin to continue mumbling as his mouth moved along the boys body.

He rolled him over, and Justin was now moaning but the words were the same "never ever ever again." Brian let him continue the mantra as he slowly moved his tongue in and out of Justin's ass. It was almost two full minutes before Justin's moans of never ever became more coherent.

"HEY! I was making a point here."  
"Me too." Brian replied, continuing to move his tongue. He reached for a condom and moved up Justin's back, his tongue dragging along his spine as the blonde buried his head into the pillow continuing to insist that they would never again have any kind of sex in this bed.

When Brian pushed himself inside Justin pushed back, moaning Brian's name, his drunken fog lifting slightly as he realized that Brian had tricked him. And then he let the lovely feelings wash over him, deciding that they could sell the bed in the morning.

When morning arrived the two of them were too hung over to list the bed on ebay.

"I think you broke a rule."

Brian's looked at him questioningly, "I don't have rules"

"I said never, and then…"

"Didn't feel like redecorating just because…" Brian trailed off, not knowing what to say that wouldn't enrage Justin again. It didn't work.

"FUCK!"

"You do realize that eventually you'll have to get over this."

"I'll be over it once Hunter is dead."  
Brian pulled Justin closer, "We can't kill him, Ben's pretty strong, I think he could take us."

"Fuck Ben."

"I did, and I don't do repeats"

Justin reached over Brian for a cigarette, rolled onto his back and lit it. "We have to fix this."

"What's to fix?"  
"He's fucking my sister."

Justin inhaled deeply and Brian took the cigarette from him, taking a drag and handing it back, "She'll be okay."

"What if she's not."

"You keep acting like this and she won't tell you if she's not."

Exhaling he considered the wisdom of Brian's words. "You know that thing you do?"  
Brian raised his eyebrows, "Which thing?"  
"The thing where everyone thinks you're an asshole but in the end you're doing it for their own good even if they never figure it out and stay mad at you for a long time?"  
Brian nodded. "Yeah?"  
"Lets do that."

Brian laughed, "I've never done it just because someone was fucking your sister."

Justin groaned at hearing the words coming out of someone else's mouth. "But we could do it, an evil master plan."

"My plans aren't evil."

"Sometimes they are."

"They're for everyone's own good, and I don't even do that thing you're accusing me of anyway."

"Oh, you sooo do it. You did it to Mikey on his birthday, and you did it to me before the Rage party and you did it to me when I dropped out of school and you did it to me when you were sick…"

"Hey, you do it to me a lot."

Brian stared up at the ceiling, not enjoying this little trip down "Brian's an asshole lane"

"Don't know what you're talking about, C'mon, I've got to be at the office in less than an hour, and you stink."

"We both stink, and Hunter's fucking my sister."

"Well a shower will fix all that."

"You're not making any sense." Justin's eyes narrowed.

Brian shrugged, "you haven't made sense since we walked in on them."

They showered, dressed and Brian went off to work with promises from Justin that there would be no murder planning without him. "Remember I'm the brains of this operation."

Justin snorted but agreed that he would not kill Hunter today.

His work in the studio had a very angry aspect to it, and a lot of images that if looked at carefully might resemble a creepy little skate rat being decapitated. The work may never see the light of day but he felt a little better, and sometime after two headed over to Lindsay's to see Gus and JR.

Lindsay was on Brian's side, she thought it was cute and amusing, and was actually happy for Hunter and Molly.

"you're right." She said, "They shouldn't have used your bed."

He leaned his head back, why did nobody get this. "he shouldn't be"…he glanced over at Gus happily playing "WITH my sister."

"Justin, think about how hard Hunter's had it, and he's positive, your sister may be one of the few people, let alone girls his age, who can understand."

"Why because I'm gay?"  
"Because she sort of knows our bizarre incestuous little family, and because she cares about you and Brian, and because she understands things, and because she and Hunter, well, they seem to really like each other."

Justin's head snapped up, his eyes meeting Lindsay's "You've known about this?"  
"For a little while, I see Hunter when I drop off JR, and then Molly seemed to be around a lot, and then she needed a woman to talk to."

Justin dropped his head in his hands again. "You told her it was okay?"

"Not to use your bed, not even to sleep with Hunter, but if they were going to, well, we can't all have Brian teaching us can we?"

"So you've known."

"I've know they were dating, I had a feeling it was moving on to more, but Justin, they're sweet, they're young and they think they're in love."

"With that stupid hustler, she's in love with that little rat bastard hustler."

"Justin, you're not being fair."

"How am I supposed to be fair when he's…"

"Yes, I've heard, he's with your sister."

"Lindsay, they shouldn't be together, she's going to get hurt."

"She probably will, first love hurts."

"Then we have to stop it."

"Justin, do you remember your first love?"

"How can I forget it, I live with him."

"Yes but do you remember when you didn't care, I mean about anything other than seeing him, not about what your parents thought, or we thought, or what anyone told you."

"I was a stupid kid, a stupid stupid kid."

"You were in love, and nothing anyone said could make you believe that there was anything else in the world for you but Brian."

"There wasn't, there still isn't."  
Lindsay smiled, "There is, but you have Brian as a part of all that now."

"But that's not how it works, I mean not for most people, not for anyone really, I was lucky."

"Lucky?"  
"You don't think I was lucky?"

"I think you were very lucky, after a lot of hard work."

"Lindz, he's gonna hurt her."

"I don't think he is."

Justin gritted his teeth. "You're telling me I'm just supposed to accept this?"  
"What option do you have?"

"There's the killing him and burying him behind the lake."

Lindsay smiled, "and aside from that?"  
Justin sighed deeply. Will you come for brunch, Sunday? I'm thinking I'll have a whole family get together."

"We'll be there."

"You know I'd invite Mel but…"

"It's okay, it'll just be me and the kids, no need for you and Brian to blow gaskets at the same time, you're much better when you're taking turns."

Justin smiled ruefully, "I think it's been my turn for a little too long." He glanced at his watch, "I've got to go, thanks."

"Anytime."

Lindsay finished folding the laundry kissed Justin on the cheek, and watched him walk out, knowing he'd eventually come to terms with this.

The week passed, and everyone agreed to come, His mother, Molly, Michael, Ben, Hunter, Ted, Emmett, Blake, Deb, even Carl. Brian wasn't sure what Justin had in mind, but he was determined to find out before there was a melee in his dining room.

They were getting undressed for bed, it was Saturday night and they'd spent a quiet day for them, studio work, client account catch-up, take out Chinese. They were both a little buzzed from the joint they'd shared earlier, but mostly they were both just tired.

"So what's on the agenda for tomorrow?"  
"Brunch."

"I mean ulterior motive wise?"

"No ulterior motives, just figured that a lovely brunch with our entire extended incestuous stupid family would be fun."

"Fun." Brian rolled the word around on his tongue like he'd never heard it before.

"Fun, you know, that thing you have when you're not miserable."

"I know, I've just never thought of it connected with the word family."

"You have fun with Gus."

"Not in the middle of a shit storm."

"It's not going to be anything like that, if they're a couple, then they can act like one, showing up at family functions and behaving like adults."

Brian smiled, "You're trying to scare them away from each other."

Justin threw his shirt at him "I am not, I'm just welcoming the new couple into the fold."

Brian rolled himself on top of a now naked Justin, "let me welcome you into a fold of our own."

Chapter 29

Brunch started of well, until Jennifer and Molly arrived. Everything seemed to get quiet. Hunter walked towards Molly taking her hand in his. Chatter started back up as the all moved to the dining room. Justin clenched his teeth and watched as the two sat next to each other.

He was cutting up fruit when Brian grabbed a full serving dish to put out. "Make them put their hands above the table."

Brian smirked, "what is it you think they're doing under there?"  
"Same thing you used to do to me."

"You never seemed to mind."

Justin chopped louder.

"Don't hurt yourself this is supposed to be fun remember?"

Justin flashed him a grin, it was fake, but it was a start. "Fun."

The rest of brunch went relatively well. Small glances were aimed at the newest couple, and then back at Justin to see how he was handling it, but he kept himself in check. By the time they reached coffee and dessert conversation was back to regular topics, Blue and her recently winning another show, Brian and Justin's progress on the home gym, Where Molly was thinking of applying for college.

It was well after three before the house was empty again, except for Lindsay and Gus. Michael and Ben had taken JR for a couple of days, Hunter and Molly had gone off together to see a movie, and the rest had disbursed to their own lives.

Lindsay sat back on the sofa in the den, and put in a Dora The Explorer Disc for Gus to watch, she was tired.

Justin felt no better about the situation, but he had brought his anger somewhat under control, hopefully Molly would choose a school well away from the little interloper and that would be that. He held on to that hope while he turned on the dishwasher and joined Lindsay and Brian in the den.

"Well that WAS fun."

"Shut up, it was nice to see everyone."

Lindsay smiled, "It went smoothly."

"Yes, I didn't kill him."

"And we're all very proud of you." Brian said as he pulled Justin down almost on top of him.

The three of them sat in silence for a while, tired and relaxed, listening to the background noise of the Dora show as Gus slept on the rug in front of the TV.

"Should we move him to a bed?"  
Lindsay looked up, "let him sleep, he's fine there for now."

"So, have you heard back from the college?"

Brian looked up "What College?"

"Oh, Allegheny Community College Needed a Director of their art program, I had an interview but I'm sure they'll find someone more qualified."

Brian nodded, "Capwill is the Dean there."

"You know the dean of ACC?"  
"They use us for their ads sometimes Brian shrugged, and I went to school with him."

"Brian, no phone calls, I get the job or I don't, on my own merits."

"No phone calls." Brian repeated.

When Gus woke up he seemed to have more energy than ever, and Lindsay took him outside to run around.

"Brian she meant it when she said no phone calls."

"She didn't say anything about emails, or lunch."

"Brian."

He smirked, "Relax, I'll let Lindsay get the job on her own merits."

The next week seemed to fly by for Justin; he had his creative force back. Yes, he was having a few more anxiety attacks then before, but he was still seeing his therapist twice a week, he made it to the appointments on his own, and was usually on time. He was working on something he thought might be brilliant and was totally focused on it.

Thursday Brian knocked on the door. "Here, I picked them up for you."

"Thanks." Justin took the bag with his medication in it; Brian drove by the pharmacy on the way home so he usually picked them up.

"Come on in."

Brian was surprised; it had been a while since Justin had allowed him into the studio. It was a mess again, full ashtrays, empty water bottles, but, Brian noticed also, food wrappers. "We need to let Magdalena in here again."

"Yeah when I'm done with that." Justin gestured to a large canvas covered with a sheet. "Still not ready for viewing?'

"Nope."

Brian picked up the medicine bottled he'd handed to Justin and took them back towards the bathroom to replace the old ones.

"What the fuck?"

"What?"  
"When did you stop taking these?"

"Justin shrugged, about a week ago, I'm doing well, I don't need them anymore."

He shrugged. "Take them okay."

"I really am okay now, I'm not obsessing, I'm sleeping, I just don't need to be drugged all the time to function."

Brian nodded, hoping Justin was right. He walked out of the studio and went upstairs to change, when he came back to the den Justin was there.

"Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad."

"You're something."

"I'm something else." Brian smirked.

"Seriously, I have been doing better without those things, you haven't had to worry about me, I haven't had to worry about myself, c'mon, this is a good thing. It's over."

Brian nodded. "That would be good."

"You don't think it's over?"  
"We'll see."

Justin gave him a bright smile, "you look tense." He crawled next to Brian and began soothing his shoulders with gentle fingers. He kissed the top of Brian's head when he leaned it back.

"Here, sit on the floor, so I can work you over." His eyebrows shot up but he complied, and allowed Justin's fingers to work their way down his shoulders and arms, along the muscles of his back, and eventually he found himself laying face down on the floor, the little blonde straddling his hips as he cracked his back for him and continued using his fingers and hands work through the tight knots of muscles.

It had all started innocently enough but when Justin's hands moved lower down his waist, slipping under the waistband of his already unbuttoned jeans he felt it become something else.

Justin worked Brian's muscles, feeling the tension leave them, wanting to show him that he was okay again, able to take care of Brian for a change, and just wanting the older man to relax. He worked diligently, as he did with everything, not stopping until he was sure he had done everything he possibly could. He felt the change in Brian's breathing as his hands slipped down below his waistband, and he felt himself harden when he noticed that Brian was, as usual, not wearing any underwear. He continued his massage, slowly, deliberately, not changing the rhythm or the pressure, simply moving lower until Brian spun underneath him and their eyes locked.

Brian waited for Justin to make a move, but he didn't he continued to slowly massage his lower back, but the small grinding movements he was making against his ass were about more than a massage. Brian could be patient, but he had his limits, eventually he decided it was time to take what he wanted. He flipped over quickly, and their eyes met.

Justin smiled; licking his lips as Brian pulled his lower lip between his own teeth and released it in a gesture Justin was pretty sure would raise him from the grave just to kiss this man one more time. He leaned in and their mouths met. Brian's hands were on Justin's thighs, sliding up and kneading the round globes of his ass through the fabric of cargo pants he'd been wearing in the studio.

He ran his hand along the seam that followed the crack of Justin's ass and watched as the blonde's eyes darkened with want, and smirked, as he seemed to be readying himself already. Justin's hands slid lower, unzipping Brian's jeans and pulling them down just a bit, his eyes now mesmerized by Brian's throbbing cock, he slid lower on Brian's body, mouth literally watering as he pushed his head down, taking the entire member down his throat in a swift movement that elicited a gasp from Brian who buried his hands in the blonde hair. Justin used every trick he knew, moving his head and his tongue, using his throat, and his mouth, sucking and licking. He released Brian from his mouth only to flatten his tongue along the base of the shaft and run it along the vein that ran there. The soft hot tongue, and the sight of Justin enjoying himself by giving such pleasure made Brian impossibly harder.

Justin started licking again, and in moments Brian was coming down Justin's throat, as he swallowed, the thick hot liquid sliding deliciously down his mouth. Only when Justin was sure that he had milked Brian dry, did he remove his mouth, sitting up with a very satisfied grin on his face.

"Well that relieved some tension."

Justin laughed and leaned his body against Brian's, "Maybe yours, but now I'm all tense."

His strong arms pulled the blonde closer as he rolled them over.

"Fuck me Brian, I want you to fuck me."

Brian didn't need to hear it to know what he wanted, but it didn't make it less hot. He grabbed a condom out of his pocket, still not bothering to fully remove his jeans. As he pulled Justin's cargo pants off of him the feeling of his body wriggling to assist him heightened his arousal. He pulled Justin forward until he was in line with his ass and Justin's legs were wrapped around his back. Justin's mouth was open, his breathing shallow with need, his body jumped at the lightest touch and Brian pushed into him, showing no mercy, finding the sensitive bundle of nerves and pushing into it, swiping the head of his cock against it, never letting up.

Justin had lost all words, all he could feel was the bolts of electricity shooting from his center to his toes, to his fingertips, through his body with no respite,

"So close, Brian, close"

Brian's hands ran up his chest, pushing his paint stained t-shirt towards his neck and tweaked at his nipples and then slid his strong palms along the sides and up to Justin's shoulder blades, pulling him up, making his back arch more, his body take him deeper. "Come for me." And Justin did, he came, his muscles tightening around Brian, pulling him as deep as he could go. Brian kept his rhythm, never stopping his assault on Justin's prostate until he could feel the quivering throughout his entire body. He released his hold and Justin fell back, and as he leaned over him he pushed again, and Justin's eyes shot open as a wicked look crossed Brian's face.

Brian started again, leaving the blonde no time to catch his breath. He continued to move inside him and Justin was sure that this time Brian would kill him with his insatiable appetite, this time his body would just disintegrate under the barrage of sensations but he felt himself harden again, felt his body respond, and met Brian's strokes, his hands pulling him closer, his dick loving the feel of Brian's body rubbing against it. He came again, and this time Brian came with him. Justin's body jerked so hard, spasmed and clamped down on Brian so tightly it almost hurt, almost. Brian threw back his head and emitted a deep growl as his entire body shook with the force of his orgasm. And while watching Justin's body, writhe and twitch he couldn't help but bump a few more times against the sweet spot, watching Justin's back arch, his fingers reach for something, anything, but finding only hardwood beneath him he lay his hands flat against the wood and used the leverage to raise his body closer to Brian's, his back arched so that only his shoulders were on the floor. He gasped, and moaned, and then finally Brian withdrew, and he collapsed, trembling.

Brian pulled his cigarettes and lighter off the coffee table as he lay beside Justin on the hardwood floor. The rug they had started on was askew and nowhere near them anymore. He inhaled deeply and offered the cigarette to Justin who tried to grab it but then simply flopped his hand back down deciding it was too much energy.

Laughing Brian held the cigarette up to Justin's lips, and let him inhale. He took another drag himself. Justin exhaled deeply, concentrating on getting his breathing back to normal.

The phone rang.

They both turned towards each other, mouths open each to command the other to get it. Instead they kissed. Eventually the phone stopped ringing. Then it rang, again. Then Brian's jeans began to ring and he cursed. He cursed louder when he saw who it was.

"Mommy's dead."  
"Fuck when?"  
"She… I just, She was home and now she's gone. I found her."

"Claire, calm the fuck down, where are you now?"

"I'm at her house, they took her away Brian."

Brian rolled his eyes and sighed, "I'll be there soon okay?"

"Brian," she was sobbing.

"Did you call anyone else?"  
She made a noise that Brian interpreted as a no.

"Okay call the minister, I'm sure he'll come to keep you company and I'll get there when I can."

Claire made another sound that Brian chose to interpret as a yes and hung up the phone.

"Fuck?"  
"What's wrong?"

"My mother died."

Justin was struck dumb; he had no idea what to say. "Brian, I'm…"

"Don't even think about saying you're sorry, I've got shit to do, Claire's already falling apart and I'm gonna be stuck with this mess."

"You know I'll help."

"Yeah, thanks, I've got to go, she's sitting in the her house waiting for me."

"Claire?"

"No, my dead mother."

"Brian."

He kissed Justin and sat up, looking for his shirt.

"I'm coming with you."

"You don't have to."

"I'm coming with you."

Brian nodded and together they gathered their clothes, and drove in to his mother's house. By the time they got there Justin had used his time wisely and called all of their family to let them know, Michael was waiting at the door when Brian and Justin arrived.

"I figured you could use some help, you know, at least to handle Claire while you handle the other stuff."

Brian kissed Michael on the mouth and let Mikey hug him

"Thanks."  
Michael nodded and Brian walked in, Michael and Justin flanking him on either side.

Claire was crying the good Reverend Butterfield holding her hand in the dimly lit room.

She stood up as soon as she saw Brian and clung to him.

Brian resisted the urge to push her off and run, he hated this woman, he hated his mother, he wasn't even that fond of the good Reverend, but he stood expressionless, motionless and emotionless while Claire cried against him. Eventually he looked up to meet the concerned face of the minister.

"What the fuck happened?"

"It seems your mother took a fall late last night, or early this morning. Claire came by to bring her to church for the Late Sunday Service and found her. She was gone when the EMT's got here, apparently she'd been gone for some time, they think she may have had a heart attack, which caused the fall.

"Or she was too fucking drunk and fell down the goddamned stairs."

"Brian!" both Claire and Michael berated. Brian rolled his eyes and Justin just put his hand on the small of Brian's back, wanting to lend him comfort, but having no idea how at the moment.

"We'll need to make arrangements." The reverend said, I can hold the service as early as Tuesday, will you be having a wake?"

Brian pushed Claire off of him and steered her towards the reverend, who sat her down and continued to hold her hand, passing her a box of tissues.

"I don't know." Brian said

The reverend nodded, "Of course. It's just that the hospital needs a signature to release the body, and you'll need to find a funeral home, and…"

"I know what the fuck I'm doing." Brian said, "I did this for my father already."

The reverend nodded silently and Brian took the stairs two at a time to get away from the scene downstairs.

Michael stayed with Claire; Justin followed Brian and found him sitting on what must have been his parent's bed.

"She's got a plot, right next to dads, I've just got to find the name of the cemetery and the funeral home we used" He opened a drawer on the far side of the room. "She always kept the important papers here. Under her one good pair of earrings and her mothers watch."

Justin sat silently while Brian riffled through the papers finding what he needed. He made a few terse phone calls and then continued to move as if in a daze, seemingly unaware of Justin's presence, possibly talking to himself.

"Should dress her in a leather corset and fuck me pumps, just to piss her off." He pushed dress after dress aside until he found something he seemed satisfied with. "This'll do."

He headed back downstairs.

"Martins will be picking her up, I've got to drop these off, he held up the suit and shoes, so that they can get her ready. We'll have a wake Tuesday, figure on a church service and graveside burial on Wednesday."

The Reverend nodded.

Brian leaned in and kissed Mikey again, You can get out of here now, Claire's got a lot to do, and so do I, and I'm sure you're needed at the store, thanks."

Michael nodded; extricating his hand from Claire's and both Justin and Michael followed Brian out.

By the time they got home Brian was silent, his face blank, and they both went to bed, neither saying much.

In the morning they headed towards the funeral home.

"Fuck, did I bring my checkbook?"  
"Brian, I'm sure you can write them a check after it's all…."

"No, they're gonna want payment, dammit, check the glove compartment."

Justin did, "yeah, you've got a check book in there."

Brian lit a cigarette and the rest of the trip was interrupted only by the voice of the radio announcer.

When they got to the Martins Funeral Home Brian seemed to steel himself before entering, and Justin felt like he should be doing something, anything to help him but he didn't know what, or how.

"I need to be stoned to do this."

Justin held Brian's hand, "I'll be here for you."

Brian nodded, his face blank. A short man in a conservative suit came to greet them and take them back to a small wood paneled office.

Brian gave him the details he'd need to place the obituary, and agreed to times and discussed locations.

"Where will the wake be held?"

"The Church,"

The man nodded, and wrote down the address, "Now, we'll need you to choose a casket"

Justin saw Brian flinch but just held his hand tighter. The man opened the door in the back of his office that led to a showroom, and Brian looked at the dozens of models laid out expensive sports cars. He walked slowly around them his face remaining blank. Justin stood back, watching him run his hands along the smooth tops of the grisly boxes and tried to read his expression, but Brian wouldn't raise his eyes. Eventually he climbed into one and laid down.

"Brian, c'mon, I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to be taken for a test drive."

Brian frowned, "This one's too short, promise me when you bury me I won't have to lay with my knees bent for eternity."

Justin took a sharp inhale of breath "I'm not promising anything, I'm not burying you, you're not dying."

"Justin, we all die."

"Yeah well, not today, only one Kinney a day gets to die, so…out of the fucking coffin."

Brian pulled the lid closed over himself and Justin panicked.

He'd had this image, this dream this fucking nightmare so many times, Brian dead, the final time they close the casket, and now he was standing here watching it. He started to hyperventilate.

"Brian! It's not fucking funny." He pulled the lid up and Brian was laughing.

Brian was laughing until he saw Justin's face. He pulled himself out of the box quickly and pulled Justin to him,

"It was a joke."

"Well it wasn't fucking funny"

"I'm not going anywhere"

"You fucking better not."

"You okay?" he felt Justin nod against his chest and pull back a little, and the two of them continued to look around the showroom. "I wonder what the markup is on these?"  
"Why? Are you gonna haggle with the guy?"  
"No, I'm just saying there's no way this thing costs like seven grand to make."

"Yeah well, it's not like you have to buy more than one."

"Whatever, this one." He pointed to a simple black box, white satin inside, silver hardware. Justin nodded, looks good to me.

The funeral director came back in, "have we made a decision?"  
"That one." Brian repeated, pointing to it.

"And would you like an embellishment?"  
Brian stared at him.

"On the top, we can put an emblem, if she was a member of a union, or a dove or a cross."

Brian smiled, "How bout a gay pride symbol?"  
Justin hit him in the chest.

He turned his attention to the Funeral director, "A cross, she was religious"

The man nodded and went back to his office to finish the paperwork. "Brian you have to take this seriously?"  
"Why?"  
Justin was at a loss, he shrugged, "Suit yourself."

They finished the paperwork and brought the suit and shoes for his mother in from the car. And they left.

Deb, Michael Ben and Lindsay were all at the house when they got back.

Brian walked past them all and went upstairs.

"How's he holding up kiddo?"  
"He's fine I guess, I mean, he's Brian, he's just doing what he has to do."

Debbie put a comforting arm on Justin's shoulder, "he does that, but he pretends to be a lot tougher than he is, you make sure he's okay, got it?"  
Justin nodded, "Oh and tell him not to worry about the wake, Emmet and I will handle the catering." Justin nodded again and went upstairs to make sure Brian was okay.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Debbie and Emmett are going to cater the wake."

"Good." Brian lit a joint and deeply inhaled, not even bothering to offer a hit to Justin. "I don't fucking need this right now."

Justin said nothing, hoping Brian might open up, express something other than aggravation but he wasn't too hopeful. They'd been together six years, what Justin was really hoping for was that the fallout didn't have too high of a body count.

The wake went as expected, flowers, Claire crying hysterically, Lasagna and a Deli Platter. Brian was half stoned and mostly drunk through the entire thing but managed to be morose and subdued, which was far better than belligerent and loud, so everyone was simply relieved that for the moment chaos had been averted.

Justin drove them back, Brian was in no state to drive, or talk apparently, he was lost in his own thoughts.

Brian glanced over at Justin and scared himself with how comforted he was that Justin was still there, still with him. He was an orphan, he'd wished for it for so long, wanted his parents, his past, gone. Wanted to be free of that house, and that family and now he had everything he wanted, his own company, an amazingly hot guy who never seemed to tire of him and his parents were both gone. His childhood was gone, behind him, and he was… Sad. He ran the emotion over in his head several times, trying to make it something else.

Anger made sense, joy made sense, relief made sense, sadness didn't and no matter how many time he tired to turn it into something else, no matter how many times he told himself he was thinking about it wrong he couldn't feel anything but loss. Fuck, he'd said goodbye to his mother years ago, probably before he'd written his father off. He may have hated the old man, hated Jack for hitting him, for not wanting him, for being the backslapping breeder he never wanted to be, but there was a part of him that understood Jack Kinney.

There was a part of Brian that knew that he was a lot like his father, that settling down, tying himself to a single person, trying to live up to what one person wanted, was beyond him. And while he'd hated his dad for the drinking and the hitting, he'd at least understood some of the reasoning behind it. What he never understood what Joan.

Why would you put up with that shit? He didn't understand staying voluntarily with someone who hated you. He'd gotten the fuck out as soon as he could, and Joan had stayed. He'd offered her an out once, when he'd first had the money, told her she could go anywhere, he'd help, but she stayed. "I don't believe in divorce." She'd told him. But she believed in staying perpetually drunk. Staying unhappy and unloved with a man who hated her, hated his life, and his family. Brian hated his mother because he couldn't respect her, couldn't understand her, and she had never tried to understand him.

He knew, he knew that he'd never really tried, never given her a chance to understand him but even if she had, her church, if not her reverend, was clear on fags, and what an abomination they were. His mother loved Claire, because she'd done her duty, married an asshole, had snotty bratty little grandchildren for her, and that was more respectable than living an honest life. He took the vial out of his pocket and snorted. He needed to be far more fucked up than he was because his head was spinning and the funeral was tomorrow and he should be angry, and joyous and relieved and instead he was sad.

Justin glanced at Brian's blank expression as he drove them back to the house, he watched his fingers become whiter as his fists tightened, and he wanted to reach out, to touch him, to tell him it was okay, whatever he was feeling was okay, but he was not sure how Brian would take it. He wanted to lighten the mood, but he didn't know how. He saw Brian take a snort and wondered what it was he was taking. He seemed far too calm for it to be coke, and Brian wasn't a crystal fan. He watched carefully. He resigned himself to watching Brian carefully for the next few days.

His downward spiral, and Justin wasn't new at this, that's what this was gonna be, was gonna spin fast. Justin sat up a little straighter in the car, getting his head ready for his one and only job at this point, to make sure that wherever Brian spun off to, he came back, in one piece. That at the end of this they were both in once piece and still together.

With that in mind Justin pulled into the driveway and led Brian to the bedroom to let him release whatever pent up feelings he had in the way he did best. They didn't talk, they said nothing, but their bodies communicated as they always did. Justin making it clear that he was here for Brian, and Brian making it clear that he needed to lose himself in the physical sensation. And when they'd both spoken their piece, without words, they crashed. Sleeping fitfully, but sleeping.

Chapter 30

The funeral service was long; the reverend had known Joan, probably better than anyone else. The pews were sparsely populated. Mel, Lindz, Michael Ben, Ted, Emmett, Deb, Carl, and Justin all sat close to Brian. There were a few people sitting near Claire, mostly older women from the church who were trying to comfort her, and then there was the gaggle of churchgoers who felt it their duty to attend.

All of his friends and family kept shooting looks at Brian, waiting for him to do something inappropriate. He stayed perfectly still. He knew what they were expecting, and there was a strong part of him that wanted to do just that, to get up, say a few well-chosen nasty words and then leave, but he didn't feel like he had the energy. He concentrated on the feel of Justin's fingers, running through the hair at the back of his neck, and steeled himself, he was not going to fucking cry for this bitch.

Justin watched Brian's face carefully but surreptitiously, he knew that too much scrutiny might set Brian off, at this point, just about anything might set Brian off. He continued to run his fingers through the fine soft hairs at the nape of Brian's neck, just letting him know he was there, there wasn't much else he could do.

The minister finally finished and they all filed out to head to the cemetery. Brian Justin, Claire and her two kids in the limo, everyone else following.

"I can't believe you brought _him_." Claire said. The way she spit out the word made it clear what she thought of Justin, and his relationship with Brian.

Justin said nothing, and Brian opened his mouth to say something and then stopped. "I want him here."

Claire was crying again, using tissue after tissue, as her kids pushed and poked at each other, insulting one another and studiously keeping their attention away from Justin, who was glaring at them grimly. His animosity towards anyone who tried to hurt Brian was automatic, but he knew how much this kid had hurt Brian, how much it had hurt when his entire family had believed his insane accusations about him, and Justin wasn't sure he'd ever be able to forgive him for that. But it wasn't the issue today. Today was merely about getting through.

The graveside ceremony was blessedly short, and Brian wandered off before he had to watch Claire fall to pieces as the kids put a flower on their grandmother's grave and it was lowered into the ground.

He found the vial and took a couple of hits. Justin watched his back and thought he might be crying; when he walked over he realized that wasn't what was making Brian's body shake like that. He wrapped an arm around his waist, lending his support wordlessly. Brian held the vial out to him, and Justin shook his head, one of them needed to stay clear headed.

The food was again laid out at his mother's house. Brian had already called Jennifer and told her that it was going to need to be listed. He'd deal with Claire later, there was nothing in the house that he wanted, she could have it all, but he wanted the house gone, out of the family, out of his life.

"Christ, doesn't she ever shut up." Brian asked, hearing Claire start another crying jag.

Justin didn't say anything, leaning against him and hoping they could leave soon.

He got his wish; five minutes later Brian approached Michael, "I need my keys." Michael had followed in Brian's car, Ben in his own so that Brian would be able to leave when he needed to. Justin stood up. "Why don't you let me drive."?

Brian nodded and Michael handed the keys to Justin, while Brian leaned down and kissed him. "Thanks."

They left.

"Home?"  
Brian nodded. And as soon as they were back at the house he went upstairs and changed. He was pacing the floor like a caged tiger and Justin was more than concerned. Eventually Brian kissed Justin lightly. "I've got to go out." Justin nodded. "I'll see you when you get back."

There was a time when he might have tried to stop him, tried to go with him, tried to change the inevitable but he was past that now.

Brian walked into the baths, it had been a while, but the smell never changed, sweat, and sex, and something less pleasant, something fetid and rank, and all of it made his dick hard tonight. He cruised the rooms looking for something, and found it. A larger room, a press of bodies, none of them too disgusting, some of them even hot, and he moved in, pulling a tall brunette to his body, and pushing him down, where he eagerly complied. Hands found him, stroking his chest, his back, his ass, and for a while he was awash in pleasure, no emotion had a chance to surface, and when he came, he simply turned towards another man, smaller, more olive in complexion. He slid on a condom and fucked the guy without even seeing his face, feeling the heat from the mass of bodies writhing around him, hearing the moans and grunts of anonymous pleasure, and when he was spent, he showered and grabbed his clothes from the locker and stopped at Woody's for a couple more drinks before he went back to the house.

It was almost three am when Justin heard the garage door, and he stopped pacing. He sat down and pretended to be casually reading something, in fact he'd bitten all his nails to the quick and hadn't truly been able to breathe or relax until Brian returned. Brian was still blank, still dazed, but he looked tired, and less angry, and Justin walked him to bed, and they slept, neither speaking.

When he awoke in the morning it was to the familiar feel of Justin's arm slung across his chest, his head leaning on his shoulder drooling a little, and Brian smiled to himself, and then stopped. This was a bad idea. He didn't want Justin to end up like Joan, making him content with less than he wanted or deserved. He slid out from under the kid and showered. He felt the cold air as Justin joined him. "How was last night?"  
"It was alright," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"Where'd you go, Adonis, the Gravel Pit, that new place?"

Brian smirked, what makes you so sure I went to the baths?  
Justin kissed him, and then whispered hotly into his ear. "I know you."

Brian pushed him away, "You don't know everything."

Justin shrugged, "So if you didn't go to the baths, where'd you go?"  
Brian ignored him while he finished showering and silently got dressed for work. "I'll be home late, client meeting."

Justin nodded and pulled on studio suitable attire.

He was immersed in a highly detailed piece when his hand gave out on him. "Fuck."

He shook his hand and tried to straighten his fingers, it hurt. Glancing up at the clock he realized it was well past seven and he'd been in the studio all day, he showered, paying extra attention to letting the hot water soothe the sore muscles in his hand and pulled on a robe, padding upstairs to put on clothes that wouldn't ruin the sofa with paint and chemicals.

He looked in the fridge and found nothing appetizing but grabbed an apple and some leftover pizza. It was almost nine when Brian came home.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You hungry?"

"I ate with the client."

Justin nodded and accepted Brian's kiss.

"I've got to be at the lawyers tomorrow, official will reading." Brian poured himself a drink.

"You want me there."

"I'll be fine."

"What time?"

"Nine thirty."

"I'll meet you there, leave me the address." Brian downed his drink and poured another, "Don't worry about it."

Justin nodded, "Your call."

Brian sat down next to Justin, not touching him. Still in his suit he glanced at the clock and wordlessly walked upstairs. Justin didn't follow, if Brian wanted his space, he'd give it to him. When he came back down he was obviously not planning a quiet night in.

"Got an appointment?"

Brian shrugged, "I'll be home."

"I know."

Brian left and Justin wanted to punch a wall, to scream, to do something, anything that would make him talk, but he knew nothing would work, that this was part of the Brian Kinney operating manual, pain management 101.

Brian sped out of the suburbs and back into the city, not sure where he was headed, mostly just sure he needed to feel something else, something besides the sympathy and pity he was getting from everyone. He didn't even like his mother, why did they all act like it was such a sad thing that the bitch was gone? He drove faster and found himself on Liberty Avenue, not a surprise; he had known where he was going from the start.

He considered his options. Babylon was gone, they had turned the space into a strip mall, with a Rapkins restaurant and a Hallmark shop that specialized in gay themed crap. There was boy toy, but he had one of those, meat hook, but he really wasn't in the mood to deal with all the fucking bullshit there, Popperz, which seemed to have replaced Babylon as the vanilla club of choice but none of them were really what he was looking for. He cruised the street, and found what he wanted.

The guy was well-built, broad chest, great abs, he looked back, the guy watched him walk, and within a few moments they were in the alley between Popperz and the bookstore. He leaned his head back against the cold brick of the wall, it was mid November and he could see his breath as he exhaled. He concentrated on the swirls his breath made while he felt the orgasm shoot through him. He zipped back up and walked away, muttering something that sounded like thanks.

He was looking for something more and he knew he'd have to find Eddie or Anita to get what he wanted. If Anita's clientele was still the same she'd probably be at Popperz, or thereabouts. He paged Eddie who met him on the corner fifteen minutes later, the transaction was made quickly, and Brian was restocked when he headed to Woody's for a drink.

He arrived back at the house around 3:30 and Justin decided not to say anything about him being late. They'd never actually discussed curfew's, it hadn't seemed necessary at the time, and now it seemed more important that Brian just come home, he didn't care what time, he just wanted him there.

Brian kicked off his shoes, dropped his jacket on the floor and crawled into bed fully clothed.

Justin took off his pants, and his shirt and curled up next to him, making trying to soothe him, just wanting to be near him but he pushed the blonde away and turned his back making it clear that he didn't want to be comforted.

The next week went by in a similar fashion, Brian went out, got laid, came home smelling of cigarettes, beer and other men, and Justin helped him to bed and wondered how long this was going to last before one of them actually spoke. He didn't care about the tricking, but Brian didn't seem to want to touch him, or talk to him, and that he cared about.

He wasn't usually worried about Brian's pain management skills but then again, he wasn't sure he'd ever seen it this bad either.

Brian wasn't worried about anything, he went to the office, pounded out brilliant campaigns based on the idea that people liked to have sex and bought things when pretty people wore them, used them, or ate them, and he was right. He started keeping a change of clothes at the office so he didn't have to come home before he headed to the bars, the baths or the clubs.

His main concern was Justin, the kid wouldn't leave, and he needed him to. He needed to get Justin away from him before the little twink gave up his whole life and ended up as unhappy and empty as Joan had been. He tried, but Justin wouldn't take the hint. Brian wanted to scream, to yell, to push, but he doubted those things would work this time.

It was almost four am, he was driving back from the club, he'd been at meathook, enjoying the rough and harsh feeling of the place, enjoying the rough and hard fuck he's had earlier, and wondering why none of this was keeping the memories at bay. He was heading back to the house when he remembered his mother. He was six, maybe seven years old, Jack was sitting in his favorite chair, drinking, and Brian had done something to piss Claire off, stolen her doll, or her book or something, he was running down the steps with it and Claire had been following him screaming.

He'd turned around, not looking where he was going and knocked over Jacks bottle. He remembered clearly the sound of breaking glass, the image of the shattered bottle, brown fluid seeping across the linoleum and making its way into the carpet. The entire house seemed to go silent and then Jack was on him. What he remembered was that his mother had thrown herself in between them and had ended up with a broken arm, and bruises that kept her in the house for days. Brian flinched at the memory, it had been the last time she'd tried to protect her son, and it hadn't worked anyway. Jack had gotten to him despite her efforts.

He put his foot down on the gas, trying to drive away from the memory when the car spun. He wasn't aware what was happening at first, his mind lost to memory, his reflexes dulled by drink and drugs and then everything went black

It was five in the morning and Justin was pacing, he'd been late before, but never this late. He called Michael, who hadn't seen him. He called Emmett, who said he'd left Woody's at two, he didn't know who else to call, if he called Deb she'd just worry as well, if he called his mother, well, there's be more explaining than he had time for.

He was unable to think, his anxiety was making him shake. He took a drink to steady himself, lit a cigarette and tried to convince himself that it was all fine, that Brian was grown man, and was just a little later than usual. It was after six when the phone rang.

Justin made record time, and probably broke forty major laws getting to the hospital, but he was there.

"Brian Kinney."  
The nurse looked up at him, "Sign in here."

"No. I'm here to see Brian Kinney." His voice was shaking, his body was shaking, his head was spinning. Brian was dead. He knew it. He couldn't breathe.

The woman at the desk looked up from her clipboard, "And you are?"  
"I'm his partner, where the fuck is he?"  
Then he heard Brian's voice. "Get that thing away from me!"

Justin didn't wait for the nurse to respond, he followed the sound of Brian bellowing. He found him behind a curtain halfway down the hallway fighting off a couple of orderlies.

"Brian."

"Justin, tell them to get that thing the fuck away from me."  
"Brian, just…" Justin didn't know what to tell him, his face was bloody, his arm was cut, and the doctors were trying to give him a shot, which Brian apparently was resisting.

Justin walked closer. "What happened?"

"I have no fucking clue, I'm on my way home, and suddenly these assholes are trying to use me like a fucking pincushion."

"We just need to sedate him so we can tend to his wounds and set his arm." one of the orderlies grunted as he tried again to restrain the man.

Brian flailed out and finally the orderlies got one of his arms in restraints. "Get the fuck off me." Brian gritted out as he tried to bat them away with an arm that wasn't working all that well.

"Brian." Justin said it softly, coming to his side; glad he was alive, wanting to kill him for acting like such an asshole. "Brian." He repeated.

"What?"  
"Let them take care of you, you're bleeding."

Brian tried to move his hand up to his face where Justin was running his fingers below the cut but his arm didn't seem to cooperate. "Fuck, I think I broke my arm."

Justin took in the odd angle at which his arm was dangling and nodded, "you need to let them fix you."

Brian lay back, his face still showing his defiance, but allowed them to administer the shot. "We need to get his face cleaned up, and get him to X-Ray."

Justin nodded, "What happened?"  
"There was a car accident, he was pretty out of it when the EMT's brought him in."

Justin's face went white. Was there, I mean, the people in the other car are they…?"

"No other car, Corvette vs. Tree, seems like the tree won."

Justin nodded, he hadn't killed anyone. He watched them clean up the wound on Brian's head, it wasn't as bad as it had seemed, and the other cuts were mere scratches. He answered their questions as to Brian's health history as they gave him five stitches above his left eyebrow. "We'll have the plastic surgeon come down and do a consult in the morning, make sure there's no scarring." Justin simply nodded. He hated hospitals, he hated medical procedures, he hated doctors, and right now, he hated Brian.

When they wheeled Brian out to get his arm X-rayed he made the calls he'd been dreading.

Two hours later, when Brian was back in the room, his left arm in a cast, shoulder in a sling, everyone had gathered to greet him.

He was awake, and angry, and as his eyes opened his head began to pound harder. "Justin, get me some fucking aspirin."

Justin stood next to him, the rest of the motley crew smiling slightly. "I think the doctor has to okay that first. And um…"

Brian looked up, "The police want to talk to you."

Brian lay his head back on the pillow, "Not now."

"What the fuck are you all doing here?" he asked, eyes still closed.

"Justin called us." Michael said, "Christ, Brian you could have…" Ben put a hand on Michaels arm, shaking his head, now was NOT the time.

Michael stood arms crossed, worried and aggravated. Emmett stood behind Justin, "How you doing sweetie?"

"I'm fine." Justin lied.

"You're not allowed to use that word." Brian said, smiling slightly. Justin smiled too.

"Well, in this instance, I'm fine and you're not."

"No, I'm perfect, dislocated shoulder, broken wrist, and a headache that's trying to kill me from the inside out."

Justin kissed him on the forehead. "I'll see if I can get you some aspirin." Brian nodded eyes still closed.

"The rest of you can go home, I'm not dead, so there's nothing fun left to see."

"I'll stop by tomorrow." Michael said as he kissed his friend. Brian held his arm a moment, "don't worry, it's just a scratch, I've had worse." Michael kissed him again and walked away.

"He has you know, had worse."

Ben nodded, "I've assumed."

"We don't talk about it, he doesn't talk about it."

"Maybe he should be talking about it."

Michael shrugged, "You want to be the one to get Brian to talk about something he doesn't want to?"

Ben smiled, "Good point."

Lindsay had stayed home with the kids but Justin called her to give her an update, and she was relieved. "What's he gonna do?"

"What do you mean?"  
"Justin, he can't just pretend this didn't happen."  
"No, but we're not there yet, lets start with getting him home before he kills an orderly."

Lindsay gave a small laugh and they both hung up.

When Justin got back to Brian he was alone with Deb. "Make her go away."

"You want me to make Deb do something?"  
Brian closed his eyes again, "Deb I'm okay."

"You're fine, you're perfect, you're okay, you're an asshole Brian, and you better pull yourself together."

Brian nodded, "I'll do that right now mom just go home."

Deb kissed him on the forehead, "I'll be by tomorrow with lemon bars, and chicken soup."

"I broke my arm, I don't have a cold."

She smacked him lightly on the head and he winced. "Fine, chicken soup, tomorrow."

She smiled and left.

"Is everyone gone?"

"Yeah, you chased them all away."

"Good, now you can go too."

Justin froze. "I'm not leaving."

"I'll be fine, I'll see you at home."

"Brian you don't have a car."  
"WHAT?"

"You totaled the 'vette."

"Fuck, I liked that car."

"Yeah well, I like you more, and you almost totaled yourself."

Brian rolled his eyes and then winced at the pain it caused. "Lets not be a drama queen about this, I was in an accident."

"That the police want to question you about."

"Fuck, was there another car, was anyone else…"

"No, you hit a tree you asshole."

"Why is it that my car gets totaled, my arm is broken, my head feels like it's about to fall off and people can't seem to stop calling me an asshole."  
"Because you're an asshole."

"Your education did wonders for your vocabulary."

"Brian…"

Brian put up a hand to stop him. "Can we not do this now."

Justin clamped his mouth closed. "Why do you want me to leave?"

"I said I don't want to do this now."

"Fine."

"And you're still not allowed to use that word."

"Fuck you."

"Later, when we get home."

Justin smiled, "Promise?"

He pulled Justin towards him with his good arm and kissed him, hard. "Promise, now get me the fuck out of here."

It was several hours before they were actually allowed to leave. First the plastic surgeon came, and scheduled an appointment for two weeks, at which point Brian had to come back and have the wound cleaned up, any scar tissue removed etc. Then the police came.

They went over the story time and time again and Brian's answers remained consistent. "By the time the they took blood your tox screen came back clean, but don't do it again." was all the officer said before he left.

Justin didn't say anything, he had known Brian was at the very least drunk when the accident happened but they found no controlled substances in the car, or on him, and his blood alcohol level was below the legal limit once they finally got him tested, he was lucky not to lose is license, but maybe he should have. Justin wasn't really looking forward for a repeat of this morning's activities. On the other hand, maybe this had been enough to bring Brian back to his senses.

Once they'd signed all the paperwork, picked up the prescriptions at the hospital pharmacy and gotten Brian relatively comfortable in the car it was almost noon. They drove home in silence.

Justin was helping Brian out of the car and into the den. He was settled on the couch when he first spoke.

"You should go."

Justin smirked, "yeah, I should go."  
He sat down next to Brian, who turned his dark eyes on him with a deadly seriousness. "I'm not kidding, I want you out of here."

"I'm not leaving."

Justin settled his head against Brian's chest, "you're stuck with me."

Brian struggled and moved away from Justin. "You shouldn't be stuck with me."

"I'm not, I chose to be with you." Justin was getting aggravated now. "What the fuck is this about?"  
"It's about you. You need to move on."

"Fuck you, I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm not giving you a fucking choice."

"It's not your decision to make."

"I don't get to decide who I live with? Justin, get the fuck out." Brian turned his back to him, pouring himself a drink. He knew Justin was stubborn, and it was killing him to do this but he also knew it was the right thing, the only fair thing for Justin.

"Brian, you shouldn't be drinking with the stuff the doctors gave you."

"You're not my fucking mother."  
"No, unlike your mother, I give a shit what happens to you."

Brian turned quickly. "Shut your fucking mouth, you have no idea what you're saying."

Justin took a step back from him, scared. "Brian."

"Just get out." He sat back down on the sofa.

Justin was beyond aggravated, beyond angry, he was irate, he was…he knocked the drink out of Brian's hand, straddled his lap and kissed him, hard, pinning him to the sofa, pushing lightly against his good shoulder, grinding his body against Brian's.

Brian resisted, and then couldn't, opening his mouth and letting the blondes tongue explore the recesses there, he felt Justin nibble on his lower lip, open his mouth fully and kiss him deeply, claiming him in a similar manner to their first kiss when he'd come back. His hands were roaming, carefully but still some how forcefully, and when he pulled his mouth away looking into Brian's eyes, they were both breathing hard.

Do you really want me to leave?

Brian dropped his head, "No. But you should."

"What the fuck is this about?"

"You've got to go, before it's too late and there's nowhere for you to go."

"Brian, I'm NOT leaving, so drop it."

"Justin."

"Brian I don't know what else to say, I'm not going anywhere." He leaned into Brian again, kissing him passionately, showing him with his mouth, and his fingers and his skin what his words were apparently not making clear.

"Can we talk about it later?"

"You promise we'll talk?"

Brian nodded and with his good arm threw Justin down on the sofa, and very carefully they managed to remove most of their clothes.

Justin lay entwined in Brian's arms, sated, sweaty, naked, and listening to him breathing, they still had a lot to deal with, but he thought maybe the crisis had been, if not averted, at least mitigated.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 31

It was several hours before Brian came back to consciousness. His body ached, his head was throbbing again, and his shoulder was uncomfortable pressed against the sofa as he lay on his back. Justin was still asleep, wrapped around him and pressed against the back of the sofa. Even in sleep Justin had managed to avoid putting any undue pressure on his relocated shoulder. He grimaced and tried to extricate himself without waking the blonde.

He found the bottle of pain pills on the coffee table and chased them with a pull straight from the bottle.

"You're really not supposed to take those with alcohol."

"You're awake."

Justin nodded. "So, can we talk now?"

Brian was about to pull on his jeans when he saw they were muddy and bloodstained, he made a face and tossed them to the side.

"I'll get you some sweats." Justin pulled on his own pants and padded upstairs.

When he returned he tried to help Brian into them but the man stubbornly refused his assistance and pulled them on himself if somewhat less gracefully than usual.

"So what's all this shit about me leaving?"

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, "you need to leave."

"You keep saying that, and you know I'm not fucking going anywhere."

"Yeah that's the problem."

"The problem?"

"You, you're not going anywhere, you're standing still, here, with me."

"I thought that's what you wanted."

"Well, it's not."

Justin froze inside, he thought he might vomit but he held back the urge fighting off the anxiety he felt overtaking him.

"You don't want me here?"

Brian sat down on the other side of the L shaped sofa, as far away from Justin as he could. "I don't want you to end up like her."

"Like who?"

"My mother." Brian said it quietly, but the words hung in the air.

"Brian, I'm not a homophobic frigid religious freak, so I think we're safe."

"I'm a lot like my dad."

"No, you aren't"

"I am, and you'll end up like her, hating me, with an empty life."

Justin let out a mirthless laugh, "You think I have an empty life?"

Brian looked up at him, "You will if you stay."

"I KNOW what an empty life is, I've experienced it."

"Then you know you have to leave."

Justin moved closer to Brian, moving his chin so that their eyes met. "No that's how I know I have to stay."

Brian looked confused.

"You think you're like your dad, but you're not, and you think I'm like your mom, but I'm not. You. Are. Wrong."

Brian flinched at the words, no matter what state of mind, he hated being told he was wrong. "I'm not wrong, I know. I was there, I watched them."

"First of all, you weren't there, you left." Brian's eyes looked at him, guiltily. "No, it's good you left, it was what you needed to do, for you."

"That's the thing, I do what I need for me. I'm… selfish."

Justin gave him a look "duh."

"What are you doing with a selfish asshole?"

"Brian, I'm not going to let you beat yourself up like this, you go after what you want, it's good, and it's healthy. But you're also the most generous person I know. And you know that too."

Brian didn't say anything. Justin stood up, trying to figure out how to explain this in terms Brian would hear. He paced for a minute and then he took Brian's old tack. "Okay this time, I'm going to talk and you're going to listen."

Brian's eyes shot up about to protest but Justin pressed on.

"When I met you, I was a kid, a stupid kid, and you were right, I'd bought into the greeting card bullshit, of monogamy, and love and flowers and hearts and pretty words. And I wanted that, and I went for that, and I longed for that, and then I got that. And you were very very right, it was just bullshit, just words."

Justin ran a hand through his hair, biting his thumbnail as he tried to find the right words. He sighed heavily. "Words don't mean shit Brian, you and I both know that, but the thing I think you've forgotten is that I'm not that stupid kid anymore, I'm not 17, I'm not in high school. I'm not some pretty little twink who wants flowers on his birthday. What I want is real, it's messy, and it's you, and it's Us and it's what We have. Brian, I don't give a shit who you fuck. I don't care if you fuck all of Pennsylvania, or all of North America. I care who you love, and unless it's changed since the last time I checked, that's me."

Justin waited, hoping Brian absorbed this. "Is it me?"

Brian didn't say anything and Justin was shaking. "Brian?"

"Can I talk now?"

Justin smiled, "yes."

"Yes. It's you."

"So what the fuck?"

"I don't think I can be what you want."

"You are what I want."

"What if I change?"

"You have changed."

"What if I change back?"

"You have changed back."

"You're not gonna leave are you?"

"No, I'm really not, you are out of tricks to get rid of me."

"But I'm a lousy person, I'm a bad father, a bad son, a bad…Brian."

"You know I have to kick the ass of anyone who says that about you, including you."

"You're gonna kick my ass?" Brian smirked.

Justin smiled and shrugged, "I might be able to in your current condition."

Brian winced, "Yeah, I really did a number on myself huh?"

"You were trying to do worse."

Brian just looked up at him, "You were trying to sabotage yourself, I know you, you're brilliant at it, you don't do anything half way."

"Why didn't you leave?"

"Because someone had to stay to clean up the mess you were gonna make."

"That shouldn't be your job."

"Who's then?"

"No one's"

"So you are an asshole and deserve to be left alone to slowly kill yourself?"

Brian said nothing.

"Then I'm the selfish one" Justin whispered, "Because even if that's what you want, I'm not going to let it happen."

"Justin."

"If you say one thing that even intimates that I'd be better off without you I'm going to have to do something very drastic."

Brian smirked this time, "like what?"

"I'm going to make you drive the Element and I'll get the new car."

Brian shuddered, "No. Fucking. Way."

"Then I suggest you accept a few things, one, I'm not leaving, two, I'm staying, and three, I'm going to be fucking you in about fifteen minutes, once we get upstairs."

"Why so long?"

"Because you smell like a cross between the hospital and the Gravel Pit, and you need bath."

"Shower."

"Can't get the cast wet, bath."

Brian sighed. "Wait, _you're_ fucking me?"

"You owe me one."

"I do?"

"Yeah, I'm not going to nag you incessantly about the hypocritical bullshit you laid on me about not drinking and driving when you then go and wrap the 'vette around a tree."

"Oh that, yeah, I guess I owe you one."

"You owe me like a hundred, but I'll settle for one right now, and then you're taking tomorrow off."

Brian tried to respond but Justin put his fingers on the older mans lips. "And then you're going to pull yourself together a little bit more. You want to go to the clubs, the bars, the baths, fine, but you want to risk your life, your car, and the lives of others, I can't let that happen."

"Justin I…"

"Just shut up, Sorry's bullshit, right now, and anything else you say will probably piss me off. So come take a bath like a good little patient, then let me fuck you into the sheets and tomorrow, we'll do some research and figure out what kind of car you want."

"I want another 'vette."

"Uh uh, no back seat, least fuckable space ever, and besides, it was ugly."

"You're talking to ME about ugly cars?"

"Yep, I'm telling you, if you're not good, I'm getting you a Toyota echo."

Brian laughed, the painkillers taking effect, and a weight lifted off his chest. "Fine."

Justin held up his part of the bargain and when they both collapsed on the bed, they were smiling.

"You should let me do that more often."

"I thought you loved it when I fucked you?"

"

Brian," he elbowed him. "You know I do, I just…"

"Mmmmmm?"

"Never mind, I just love fucking you sometimes."

He looked over but Brian was asleep. It was almost eight, and Justin dozed off as well, when they woke up it was morning.

Justin was cooking breakfast when Brian came down. He handed Brian a glass of juice and offered him another pill for the pain.

"I'll take mine if you take yours." Brian said taking the juice.

"I don't take mine 'til tonight."

"You're taking them again?"

"Yeah, for now, the anxiety came back and I thought maybe it wasn't time to stop yet."

Brian nodded. "I'm okay though, got any aspirin?"

Justin opened the bottle and handed him three. "So I called Cynthia, she'd already cleared your schedule, apparently Ted called before me."

Brian nodded again, and sat down as Justin brought breakfast to the table. "Nothing fancy, bagels and fruit… And coffee"

He swirled the mug in front of Brian as he reached for it pulled it out of his reach. His eyes darkened, "don't fuck with my coffee." Justin smiled, and put the mug down in front of him. Brian drank it silently.

"I'm thinking about a Range Rover."

"No."

"What?"

"They get like 8 miles to the gallon, it's bad for the environment."

"But they're hot."

"They're overcompensation for something you defiantly don't need to overcompensate for."

"So what, should I get a little ugly orange box?"

"Shut up, it's my car."

Brian booted up the computer, ready to research his next purchase. Justin followed him with his own cup of coffee. "Brian that's the same problem, no back seat."

"I like it."

"You're not getting a mini cooper, you're too tall."

"The Jag is hot."

"I like the green."

"What about this one?"

"Mercedes are pretentious."

"You think everything's pretentious."

Justin shrugged "Suit yourself."

He went sat back on the sofa and turned on the TV.

"Don't you have work to do in the studio?"

"I'm taking the day off."

"Really?"

"Taking care of you today."

"I'm fine."

"When can I ban that word?"

"When I'm not fine."

"How's your shoulder?"

Brian tried to shrug and winced. Justin smiled. "The word is officially banned."

Brian smirked, "we'll see."

They spent the rest of the day debating car options and television viewing options. Their lighthearted bickering felt good to the both of them. They both felt almost normal.

"You know what we could do today?"

Brian raised his eyebrows

"We could go through…"

"If you say boxes, I'm leaving."

"I just thought we could start to figure out…"

"There's nothing to figure out."

"Can I go through them without you?"

"No."

"So when are we going to…"

Brian stood up and kissed Justin on the top of his head "drop it."

Justin did. Today was not the day for pushing things.

"So did you make a decision?"

"Nope, I'm gonna have to test drive them, Wanna come?"

"Now?"

"Why not now?"

"Well, cause um…you only have one arm."

"Oh that, I can probably take the sling off for an hour or so."

Justin shook his head "Doctor said only for bathing for two weeks."

"What do doctors know?"

"Well, you're the one who was so adamant about doctors orders for me."

"Shut up twat."

Justin smiled, his point made.

Two nights later Justin woke up with a start, his heart beating fast, his breathing shallow. "Fuck."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just, one of those…"

"Night things."

"Yeah."

Brian sat up and pulled Justin back towards him, his good arm wrapped firmly around the blonde, his chin resting on his shoulder. "Remember what it was about?"

"The accident, you were…there was a lot of blood."

"But I'm fine."

"You're not allowed to use that word."

"But I AM okay, see, feel my heart beating?" he pulled Justin back towards him firmly.

"You scared me."

"I know."

"Don't do it again."

"I'll try not to."

"You're stupid."

"I am?"

"You are, you do stupid things that scare me."

"Is it possible you're still asleep?"

"Why?"

"Because you're not making any sense."

"I do too make sense, and maybe I'm half asleep but it doesn't make you less stupid, for scaring me."

"So you've said."

"Sleepy."

"Then sleep."

"K"

Brian smiled and lay back down, Justin curled himself around Brian, breathing with him, listening to his heartbeat and feeling his own slow to a normal rate."

"I love you."

"Mmmmmm"

Justin smiled and fell back asleep almost immediately.

Brian was back at the office. He'd allowed himself one long weekend, and Monday was itching to get back to work. Justin wondered if he was planning on getting back to play too but didn't bring it up.

He had 10 Days before he had to leave for New York for his two-week contractual obligation; he'd been dreading this. He hated New York without Brian, he wasn't even that fond of it with Brian, but mostly, he hated being away for two weeks.

Justin threw himself into the few last pieces for the show, he had no idea if he had enough time to finish them but he knew that he needed to continue to work, 'til the very last second, the schmoozing and decisions and bullshit in New York could seem very far away when he was in deep concentration on a particular brush stroke. So he lost himself to it, letting the music and the muse take him.

Brian's shoulder still hurt, but for the most part he got by on aspirin and coffee. He had hired a car and driver for the week, which made him grit his teeth, he hated not being able to drive, not being in control, but with a sling on his left arm, he couldn't shift gears, he couldn't drive, and he had finally given in to Justin who had found the least pretentious method of getting around. At first Justin had offered to drive him to work each morning but the thought gave Brian the creeps, felt too domestic, too dependant, too…something, so he had this asshole who just sat in the car all day waiting to be ordered around. Brian shook his head, and wondered why he hadn't gone of the full stretch limo with a stocked bar. He knew why, Justin. But he gritted his teeth against the thought.

"Stop here."

The car stopped and Brian got out, "go park somewhere, I'll call you when I need you."

The driver nodded and drove off, Brian entered the baths. It was the new place that had filled the void that the Liberty Baths had left when Stockwell had closed them down. Most places had reopened, but the owner of the baths, after receiving a ridiculous amount of money for the building from Kinnetic, Inc. Had retired to Florida and some other entrepreneur had seen his opportunity.

The place was pretty average, a little cleaner than most, but still dark enough to give the customers the atmosphere they were looking for.

The moment Brian walked in he knew it was a mistake. It wasn't where he wanted to be, but he shook the thought off, where he wanted to be was annoying him right now.

He and Justin had talked, and they'd worked it out, in their own little way, but he still wasn't sure, wasn't convinced that in the long run they wouldn't end up hurting each other. Better to do it in the short run and get it over with. He was still in deep thought when a hand ran down his chest. He looked at the man and was surprised. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Thought I deserved a night out."

Brian laughed, draping his arm around Justin. "This really where you want to be?"

Justin smiled and the two of them left walked deeper into the building Justin in a towel, Brian still in his suit.

The two of them were a sight to behold and when they went after what they wanted, eyes turned, men otherwise occupied stopped what they were doing to watch. It was as if there were no one in the building but the two of them when they looked at each other, no matter whom they might be fucking at the moment.

Justin breathed a deep sigh. He'd never minded date night, and he knew that Brian was feeling claustrophobic, and most importantly, he had been concerned that he'd be mad to see him here, encroaching on his alone time. But Brian seemed happy for them to play together, and they did, they played hard, and both stumbled out into the cold night spent and leaning on the other.

"You drive here?" Justin nodded. Brian called the driver and sent him home for the night, "Eight tomorrow." And Justin drove them home where they luxuriated in a hot bath, removing the smell of the other men and the baths and later replaced the smell with each other.

Brian lay in bed, considering a lot of things, wanting to know that he was making the right decision, that he wasn't hurting Justin that he wasn't causing the kid to give up his life.

He looked over at him, sleeping. In sleep he still looked like a kid, but he wasn't, he wasn't a child, he wasn't a twink, he wasn't the little stalker with his heart on his sleeve that he'd propositioned under a streetlamp on the night Gus was born. He was a man now, a pretty fucking amazing one too. Stronger than anyone he'd even known, and fuck, he loved this man.

Godmotherfuckingdammit he thought to himself as he lit a cigarette, there has to be a way out of this.

This was never supposed to happen.

Brian tried to sort it out, how any of it had happened, how he managed to go from a 29 year old without a care in the world to a psuedo-hetero husband. Actually that was easy to figure out, as he looked at the sleeping form next to him, the question was what happened that made him okay with this? More than okay with this? He took another deep inhale and realized the answer was the same, it was the same blonde who was currently muttering in his sleep. He put the cigarette out and tried to find a spot that didn't hurt his shoulder too badly and realized that he was stuck, and not unhappy about being stuck, and then he took a pain pill, more to knock himself out then shut out the pain.

Everyone was there Friday. Deb was in her glory. A table full of people to feed, one of them needing her special brand of care. Not that Brian accepted any special treatment, or any treatment at all, from anyone, he mostly glared at the sympathetic worried glances that were shot his way until the conversational flow twisted its way back to issues other than his recent accident.

Justin smiled to himself knowing that Brian hated every minute of the concern his friends showed, and yet would have been somewhat aggravated had they not shown it.

"Are you really thinking about breeding blue?" Justin asked, tuning back in to the conversation.

"She's almost ready, and we found a stud."

Brian opened his mouth to say something and Justin elbowed him.

"Well, I think it's great Ted." Lindsay broke in, "as a matter of fact, I think Gus is ready for a puppy, maybe we'll raise one of blues babies." Ted and Blake grinned even wider.

"You want Gus to have a dog?" Brian asked, "When did this happen?"

"Mel and I have been discussing it, and…"

The table went silent, Brian's eyes were dark. "You and Mel were discussing our son?"

"Brian, she's still his mother."

Brian snorted, "Some mother."

"Brian, she's changed, and we're not getting back together but we are talking, the few times she's been to see the kids, she's been really great with them, Gus loves to play tennis with her."

Justin put his head in his hands, "Lindz." He muttered.

"She's been to play tennis, at the house?" Brian was quiet as he asked.

Then he turned his head and saw Justin hiding his face, "And you knew this?"

"Brian, she's been better, like old Mel, you know, sane and nice and Gus loves her."

Brian nodded, suddenly not hungry. "I'll meet you at home." He said as he kissed Justin goodbye.

Justin nodded and all eyes went to him as Brian stormed off. "How's he getting home?"

Justin smiled, "He can't, he sent the driver home, and…"

"Justin, lets go." Brian came back in, after realizing his predicament.

Justin shrugged, and walked to the door, pulling Brian into a kiss. "Why don't we stay for dessert, and you can just blame this little queening out thing on the pain meds."

Brian scowled.

Justin kissed him again and knew that all eyes at the table were now trained on them. "C'mon, do what everyone least expects." He murmured quietly into Brian's ear, nibbling on the lobe a little.

Brian followed Justin back to the table. "I don't want her at the house, and I don't want my kid having a fake dog, if you're gonna get him a dog, get him a real one."

Lindsay smiled, "Brian she has a right to see her son, and she really has changed."

"We'll talk about this later."

Lindsay nodded.

"And Blue is a champion dog." Ted cut in, pulling out his wallet to show more pictures.

"Ted, blue is five pounds, he's a toy, a little yipping toy."

Ted looked hurt, and Blake leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, "She's a perfect dog."

Ted smiled again, "She really is."

"We should get a puppy Brian." Justin said, just to see his reaction, it was priceless.

"I have you I don't need anything else making a mess around the house, and chewing on my underwear."

"I thought you liked it when I did that."

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin deeply. "We're not getting a dog."

Justin smiled, he hadn't really thought it was an option, and he'd gotten the response he was looking for. Everyone seemed calmer, including Brian.

"So Lindsay how's the new job?" Ben asked

"Oh, it's actually wonderful, but challenging, who knew running a department required so much paperwork?"

Brian smiled and Justin knew that Brian had done something to put in a word for Lindsay with the dean. Lindsay probably knew it too, but had decided to let the issue drop, as she genuinely loved her new job, and the fact that the college had a great day care service so that she still got to see JR often, and didn't have to hire a nanny.

"I am going to have to buy a car this week though." Lindsay said. I can't keep taking Justin's or having Mel drive me before she gets to work. And the busses just don't run far enough."

"Great, we'll go together."

Lindsay looked at him. "Like last time, or can you restrain yourself from driving through the showroom window?"

"I'll be good." Brian said, his eyes showing he would be nothing of the sort.

"When do you get that thing off?"

"Monday, want to go then?"

"Don't you want to take Justin?"

"Justin's leaving me."

There was a gasp at the table and Justin laughed. "I'm not leaving you, I'm going to New York for two weeks, it's a contractual obligation."

"You're leaving me." Brian said again, teasingly, "I kept telling you to leave and now you are."

"About fucking time." Michael and Hunter both mumbled under their breaths only to be slapped upside the head, Hunter by Molly, Michael by his mother.

"Hey!" they both said in unison, and the tension was once again broken.

Dinner continued until no one could eat another thing, and then dessert and coffee made them all too full to move. They were sitting around talking about nothing important when Brian went outside for a cigarette. Justin joined him and they all passed knowing glances to each other, assuming the two were finding a likely dark corner.

They both stood outside, Brian's arm slung around Justin comfortably sharing the cigarette.

"We should both quit smoking."

Brian huffed, "Can't we're too hot."

Justin laughed. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm stellar."

"But Mel and Lindsay…"

"They have to get along, I don't want Gus to always see his parents fighting."

Justin nodded. "That's good."

"But I don't want him to have a little faggot dog."

"Brian, I thought you were afraid Mel was gonna make a man out of him, make up your mind."

"A kid should have a real dog."

"Blue is a real dog."

"A real normal sized dog."

"Brian they live in like 1000 square feet house, with two kids, how big a dog do you think that place can handle."

"Maybe we should build an addition onto the carriage house."

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian would do almost anything to keep Lindsay from moving too far away from his protective eye, he still saw Mel as a threat.

"So have you decided on a car?"

"I think I have."

"Oooh, what?"

"It'll be a surprise."

Justin pouted, "I hate surprises."

"I thought you loved them."

"I do, when I'm not gonna be away for two weeks worrying."

"Worrying?"

"About the show, about you, about…"

"I'll be fine, and the show is going to be a huge success."

"Brian, promise me…"

"No more incidents."

"Promise?"

Brian leaned in, kissing Justin hard and damning the stupid sling that kept him from holding him closer. "Lets get out of here."

Justin moaned into his mouth, "We have to go in and say goodbye first."

Brian walked back up. "You stay here." He said to Justin, and then leaned his head into the house.

"Justin needs to be fucked, so we're going home. Bye."

Justin's face was beet red as he got in the car and Brian's eyes were twinkling with mischief. Everyone at the table was laughing.

Chapter 32

Saturday morning Justin was antsy. He couldn't seem to sit still. He'd go into the studio, realize that everything had already been shipped for the show, think about starting something new and then just walk out again. He'd sit in the den, flipping aimlessly through channels, never actually stopping on anything, and then turn off the TV and wander around the house. Eventually Brian got aggravated.

"Hey."

"Hey"

"What's wrong?"

"What? Nothing, I'm just…" Justin was cracking his knuckles mentally running through a list of things he needed to for the millionth time.

Brian got up and walked over to him, taking his right hand and massaging it, seeing that the fingers were actually looser, and not cramped but wanting to lend Justin some comfort.

"You're obsessing."

"This show is going to suck."

Brian nodded, "Probably."

Justin hit him good-naturedly. "Brian, it's just…" again he didn't know how to finish the sentence.

Brian leaned down and kissed him, just a light peck, which turned into a longer kiss. Justin's hands were all over him, trying to find a place to settle which wasn't easy with the sling wrapped securely around his shoulder and his arm strapped to his side as it was. Instead his hands moved lower, sliding beneath the unbuttoned waistband of his faded jeans.

Brian licked at Justin's bottom lip, lightly nipping at it. He put more energy into the kiss, hoping to distract Justin from whatever was spinning in his brain.

It was working, Justin could no longer think about much, he felt Brian harden against him and closed his eyes, his head thrown back as Brian's mouth found the deliciously sensitive spots on his neck and shoulders.

He pulled his shirt off, wishing he could do the same to the taller man in front of him but he had to settle for just unbuttoning it, and pressing himself against what flesh was there. Brian moaned as Justin's lips found his nipple and began to suck and flick at the same time.

Justin moved down Brian's chest, kissing each new spot with enthusiasm, and soon he was pulling Brian down with him until they were both on their knees, mouths and bodies pressed together. Things were a little more difficult with Brian's arm still in the sling. He couldn't lay on top of Justin too long, as he only had one arm to support him, and he couldn't lay on his back too long before the pain of the position shot through his shoulder. He didn't care right now, but Justin was aware of the dilemma. He stood up and Brian followed. He pulled Brian's jeans down and pushed him backwards into chair.

Justin smiled at him as he pulled a condom from the stash in the drawer and walked back over to him. Opening the package he put the latex in his mouth and used his lips and tongue to guide the sheath onto Brian's now rock hard cock, while the brunette leaned his head back and gasped at the sensation. Justin smiled.

The chair was modern in design, or retro, depending on whom you talked to but as it was mostly just a scoop of plastic with high arms there was little way for Justin to straddle Brian in such a design. Instead he turned his back to Brian, taking a step backwards and thus closer to his goal.

Seeing what the blond intended Brian pulled him back with his good arm, as Justin grasped his now sheathed shaft and held it while he impaled himself on it.

There was little Brian could do but lay back and enjoy himself as Justin used up his unspent energy riding him.

Justin threw his head back, almost unaware of Brian's presence at all except for the dick inside him. It was all he wanted to feel right now. He pressed his feet flat against the hardwood floor for leverage and lifted himself up and down, fucking himself hard. He felt Brian's hand move towards his nipple and pinch it; pulling it with a roughness he needed right now. He needed to feel this, and nothing else and Brian seemed to understand as he made his body available and his ministrations less than gentle. He eventually pushed Justin down to the floor, where he landed on his hands and knees, whimpering with need, and unfulfilled lust.

Brian angled himself behind the kid and plunged in, hard, fast, and didn't stop, just kept pounding him, slapping his ass, a few times and watching as Justin's head flew back, with appreciation. He grabbed Justin's hair roughly, holding his head up as he leaned in and bit at his back while he continued his fevered pace. He felt Justin's body tense and stopped, pulling out completely, lightly stroking the smooth skin above Justin's ignored hard on until he could hear the blond letting out soft sounds which he knew would turn into demanding orders if he didn't continue soon. Waiting just a moment more he plunged back in, abusing the open hole with all his strength, laying a few well timed slaps on Justin's pale perfect ass, lightly running a finger along his weeping cock, but never letting him come.

Justin thought he might go insane, he was on his hands and knees, and each time Brian thrust into him he felt as if all the air was pushed out of his body, he wanted to come but Brian wouldn't let him. Each time he was close, the fucker pulled, out, stroking him lightly, whispering a soothing word into his ear, waiting for the moment to pass, and then he'd start over, hard, rough, and perfect, and Justin couldn't speak, didn't want to, concentrated all of his thoughts on the amazing sensations and trying to come before Brian denied him again. Each time he thought he might be allowed release, each time Brian stroked directly against his prostate, and he moaned a little louder he would bite his lip, knowing he'd warned Brian of his impending release and it all stopped again.

He was crying now, frustrated, the only thought in his head was his need to come, to feel Brian inside him and finally be allowed to come.

He moved his own hand towards his erection, but Brian moved it away, as he had before, and pulled out. Justin wanted to scream. He finally broke down.

Brian, I need it please let me come, I'll do anything, just please…" his words trailed off as Brian began his glorious assault again, fucking him harder than Justin thought possible, his body moving forward at each thrust.

"You want to come?"

Justin whimpered, "Yes. Please."

"Are you sure?" Brian was covered in a light coating of sweat, but he could keep this up for a while, watching Justin, so desperate for him, so focused, so hot.

Brian pulled out again and Justin cried something unintelligible in desperation.

He felt the push on his side, and Justin followed the silent command, rolling over, his back against the hardwood, his legs spread wide, feet flat on the floor. Brian moved between his knees and Justin lifted his legs, pulling Brian forward, crossing his ankles behind Brian's back, careful not to move them too high to bother his shoulder.

He raised his body, begging Brian with his eyes, with his every movement to finish him off, at this point, he really didn't care if he killed him or let him come, just so the torture would stop. Brian smiled and Justin thought he might lose it right there. Instead Brian pushed himself in again, moving slowly now and enjoying watching Justin's body react, he was squirming, trying to get more contact, trying to impale himself on Brian but with nothing for leverage, his back slick with sweat sliding easily on the smooth floor he was not in control.

Again he tried, tightening his grip around Brian's waist to make sure he wouldn't back out of him, he reached for his own erection. Brian smacked his hand away and then unable to pull out, simply stayed perfectly still, watching the raw emotions on Justin's face as he tried to wiggle, to writhe, to do something. Finally, Brian relented, he pulled Justin's hands together, holding them at the wrist above the boy's head with his good hand and pounded into the kid. He moved his hand lower to Justin's forearms so when he leaned his weight against his arms he wouldn't hurt him, and angled his body. As he hit the sweet spot the keening noise from Justin was almost inhuman.

Justin felt the fire in his body, felt the need poured from every nerve ending to the sensitive bundle Brian was currently assaulting, he let himself go, feeling Brian's mouth on his and then move lower to his nipples again biting and sucking and finally, he came. Hard, and long and Brian never stopped. He released his arms and held his hip instead and pounded into him again and again, watching as Justin shot across his own belly and chest, moaning Brian's name, babbling unintelligibly, and simply relieved to be allowed release.

Brian came hard, he'd held himself back, and it hadn't been easy, but he had wanted to clear Justin's mind, to make him forget everything, for as long as possible. He knew he also wanted to remind him, once again of what they were together. Two weeks apart wasn't a happy equation for either of them, but they'd get through. These are the kind of things he tried to think about to keep himself from coming each time Justin whimpered his name, begged for more, or made a low moan that just shot straight through Brian's body like no other sound.

When he finally allowed the kid to come the relief on his face was priceless, and he was pretty sure that that Justin couldn't have done simple addition, let alone think about the myriad of issues awaiting him in the coming fortnight.

He kneeled in front of Justin, watching his body take ragged breaths, and ran his hand through the thick coating of come on his pale skin. He licked a finger, keeping eye contact with Justin, and then lowered a finger to Justin's mouth, who took it greedily, sucking at it, still in the blissful post coital haze. No words were spoken for a while as their bodies slowly relaxed. They both dozed for a few minutes. Brian awoke to Justin trying to put a pillow under his head, it had been resting on the blonde's chest, but he was obviously ready to get up and begin pacing again.

Brian got up too; pulling his jeans back on he followed Justin curiously. The blonde seemed to be unaware of where he was going or that anyone was following him. He was walking around the great room in circles, biting his thumbnail and seemingly searching for something.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Justin jumped. "Uh, um, looking."

Brian just raised an eyebrow.

Justin collapsed on in the chair. "I don't know, I feel like there's something I should be doing."

Brian smiled, "I thought I got your mind off of things."

"You did, but now… it's back on things."

"Well, we can go again."

Justin smiled widely "We could, but we can't just spend the weekend fucking so that I don't get nervous."

"Why not?" Brian almost pouted

"Because um…" Justin wrinkled his brow trying to find a good reason, but instead followed Brian upstairs where they took a bath together and spent another hour or so lost in each other.

Eventually it was a little after noon, they were both sore, and out of ideas. Justin kept cracking his knuckles until Brian wanted to put one of HIS arms in a sling to make it stop. Finally he sighed, pulled on jeans and a black wife beater.

"Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"Someplace that will get your mind off of next week."

"Brian, I honestly don't think either of us could take any more I mean…"

Brian sighed, "Let's go." He held out his hand and Justin pulled on a pair of sweats and a shirt. Brian led him slowly through the great room, down the steps to the foyer and into the parlor/dungeon.

"Brian I know we've never fucked in here but it's all dusty and…" Justin wrinkled his nose and Brian pinched the bridge of his.

"We're not here to fuck, we're here to…"

Justin jumped up and kissed him, "We're gonna go through the boxes?" his smile was broad, until he saw Brian wince, "Christ, I'm sorry, are you okay? I forgot."

"I'm fine, just, lets be careful shall we?"

"Okay, what we need to do is make three piles, "keep, toss, sell."

"Sell?"

"Yeah like at a yard sale."

"You watch way too many of those house and garden TV shows, we're NOT having a yard sale."

"Fine, then keep, toss, and donate."

Brian nodded.

"I need a box cutter, or a knife, and my allergy meds or the dust will kill me, I'll be right back." Justin bounced away, happy, his mind on only one project. Brian sat against the wall, willing nothing too revealing to come popping out of the boxes as they sorted.

Justin returned, supplies in hand. He began at the top, opening boxes that were clearly labeled and finding them labeled correctly.

"So what should we do with all the old dishes and glasses?"

"Trash."

Justin nodded, "You mean donate."

"Right, that's what I meant."

The kitchen stuff was pushed back to the designated "donate" area.

"Ewww"

"What?"

"I think these are the sheets from the bed, like the last night."

Brian shrugged; I guess they had to strip the bed.

"Yeah but, the last night, I mean, these are probably now considered medical waste"

Brian grimaced, "Trash."

There were boxes of decorative items, none of which Brian seemed particularly attached to. "They were to create a look" he shrugged; "we're going for a different look now."

Justin put them in the "donate" pile and moved on.

"Papers" Justin read.

"Bring it here."

Justin sat down next to Brian and pushed the box in front of him

Brian opened it with his one good arm, pulling out an X ray film.

"Is that…?"

"That's me, cancer free."

Justin pushed it back into the file, kissing Brian's cheek, and pulled another file, there was a flutter of small tickets. Justin picked them up. "What are these?"

"Nothing." Brian tried to gather the scattered scraps with only one hand.

"They're garage parking tickets for the hospital."

"Yeah, for insurance purposes."

"Why were you in the hospital this often?"

"Huh?"

"Why are they all in the middle of the night?"

"What?"

"Brian, these are from when I was in the hospital."

"So?"

"So, you were there, apparently…a lot."

"I might have checked on you once or twice."

Justin picked up the pile if tickets as if they were confetti and showered them down on

Brian's head. "Once or twice?"

"Or maybe every night. I had to make sure."

Justin leaned in closer to him, wanting to crush him in a hug, wanting to kill him for never saying anything, to anyone. "Make sure of what?"

He didn't say anything for a while and Justin looked up, seeing a look he hadn't seen in a while, the one Brian had when he had first tried to get him to remember the incident, when he had first taken him to the parking garage, the same eyes Justin had seen the night he so recently had his little breakdown. Panic, fear, pain, tears. 'Make sure of what?" he repeated.

"Make sure you were still there, still breathing. I thought, you know, so many people watched during the day, but you were almost alone at night, and what if you stopped, what if you forgot, or gave up, or someone came back to finish…I…" Justin kissed him.

"You did a great job, I kept breathing 'cause of you."

Brian shook his head, "You were so strong. It was you, not me. There was nothing I could do."

"You did everything. But why didn't you tell me?"

"You were already too far gone, look what loving me did to you, I wouldn't let that happen again. Couldn't. Once I was sure you were okay I wasn't going to go near you. But you came looking for me."

Justin wanted to cry, to scream, do something, these feelings, the helplessness, not knowing, the pain, the loss, he'd tried to bury them, to forget them, and here they were, in a hundred little parking receipts. He gathered them up efficiently. "Toss." He said.

Brian looked up at him questioningly.

"I don't need a bunch of little pieces of paper to know you love me."

They both smiled, and continued to sort through the papers but the rest were boring, for the most part until Justin found a bunch of sealed envelopes, each addressed to friends or family members. Brian grabbed them out of his hand quickly.

"What are those?"

"Nothing, they're from a long time ago."

"There's one addressed to me."

"Just put them in the trash."

"Can I read mine?"

"No."

"Brian, what are they?"

"They're from a couple of years ago, they don't mean anything now."

"So why didn't you ever deliver them?"

"They're just letters, I wrote them, then I decided not to send them."

"Well, I'm opening mine." Justin began to open the envelope. Brian tackled him.

"NO!"

"Brian, I'm just…Ouch."

"Sorry, gimme that."

"Fine, if you don't want me to read it, but…"

"But nothing, they were important at the time. They're not now."

Justin was sitting up again, running his finger down the side of Brian's face, "Can't you just tell me what they were for?"

"They were to explain stuff, to make sure people knew."

"Knew what?"

"That I cared, that I wasn't just an asshole, make sure that you all remembered more than the surface."

"Why did you think we'd forget?"

"It was from before." Brian said trying to stand up, "We've done enough in this room for the day."

"No, we haven't." Justin pulled him back down, straddling his legs simply to keep him in place, "Before what?"

"Before I decided to have the surgery." Brian said quietly.

Justin stared at him, tears dropping on Brian's face, "You were just gonna die, gonna let yourself die, leaving us all with a fucking letter?"

Justin hit him in the chest.

"Ouch."

"Good."

"Justin, I didn't, I couldn't leave."

"But you were going to, and you weren't going to tell any of us, you were going to just disappear and leave a fucking letter."

"But I didn't."

"Damn good thing or I'd have to hunt you down and kill you again."

Brian smirked, "You'd kill me for dying?"

"You're not allowed to die."

"That's probably why I didn't"

"You really don't like yourself do you?"

Brian sat up now, pushing Justin off of him with all the strength in his one good arm.

"Fuck you, I like myself."

"You don't act like it."

"You know what, all of this shit needs to be shipped off, I don't care who finds my checkbook receipts, it's not worth it."

"Why, because I might find out who you really are?"

"You know who I am."

"I keep thinking that, and then I open up a box and I have to refigure everything I thought I knew."

"You're being ridiculous."

"I'm being honest."

"What else don't I know?"

"You know everything."

"Why didn't you come with me to Vermont?"

"What?"

"Vermont, you decided business was more important than me, what made you come to that conclusion, was it just your regular bullshit fear of relationships, were you afraid I might think you care or was there something you weren't telling me?"

"What the hell makes you bring this up now?"

"It's one of those things that always bothered me. It was simple to think you'd decided to teach me a lesson, but then, you were different when you got back, Ryder was gone, and…what the fuck happened?"

Brian sighed, "I got almost fired, Marty sold the business to Vance, if I didn't land the Brown account that week, I would have been almost as bad off as I was after Stockwell, well, equally bad off, because while I wouldn't have had the debt, I wouldn't have had the client base I have now. So I had to go, or I'd have lost everything."

"I didn't count as part of everything."

"You were a kid, you didn't understand."

"You never fucking told me."

Brian sighed again, "No, I didn't."

"You're a duck."

"What?"

"You're a duck."

"Again, what?"

"Ducks, they seem so graceful, gliding across the water, but under the water, where no one can see, they're churning their legs so fast just to keep moving and to continue to look graceful. You're a duck."

Brian started to laugh, hard. "Duck you."

Justin laughed too. "Can't you just let me help you sometimes?"

"You do."

"Duck."

Brian leaned in to kiss Justin, "I showed you mine now you show me yours."

"What?"

"I told you why I didn't go to Vermont, now why don't you tell me something I've always wanted to know."

Brian was kissing Justin's neck, his hand running through the soft blonde hair that had gotten really long in the past months, almost hitting his shoulders in soft waves.

"What do you want to know?" Justin asked, eyes half closed.

"What made you quit working for the Sap?"

Justin's eyes were open now, his breathing changed. Brian leaned back to see his eyes. Fear?

"Nothing, I didn't have the time to go to work and school."

"You're lying to me."

"Would you trust me if I told you that you really didn't want to know?"

"If I didn't want to know I wouldn't have asked."

"This is the stupidest conversation we've ever had."

"No, we once talked about fucking Ronald McDonald or Mayor Cheese."

"We were stoned then."

"Answer the question."

"He wanted me to do something I didn't want to do."

Brian continued to stare waiting for him to continue.

"Brian you know what happened."

"I know what I THINK happened."

"He didn't just want me there for eye candy, and I was flying pretty high."

Brian kept his expression blank, wondering why the fuck after all this time he'd asked, and knowing that it was because he wanted Justin to suffer, just a little bit, at a memory, the way he just had. He listened to Justin continue.

"I was dancing, and then the Sap was leading me back, to a playroom, and he um…"

Brian remained silent.

"He didn't fuck me or anything, he wanted to, well, him and a bunch of his friends, but I said no, and he tried harder, and I kicked him in the balls, and I think I broke his tooth when I kicked him in the face, then I got home, and fucked you."

Brian smiled, "He never hurt you?"

"No, I never let him."

"I thought, that night, when you wanted me, and you wouldn't let me fuck you, I thought it was because he had…hurt you."

"Why didn't you ask me?"

"I didn't want the answer, I was afraid I'd have to kill the fucker, and then I'd be banned from Babylon, and I like the back room and they didn't water down their drinks too badly."

Justin smiled, letting the moment lighten. He dusted off his hands. "Any other monumental secrets I need to know?"

Brian shook his head.

Justin leant him a hand and pulled him to his feet, brushing his hands together in a motion that made it clear he'd seen enough.

"Call the people who cleaned out your mothers house, have them haul all this shit away, there's nothing we need in here."

Brian smiled does that mean we can make it a dungeon?

"Sure, but only I'll have the key, you can't come in without my permission."

Brian laughed out loud, and dragged Justin back upstairs, they were both sweaty, dusty, and needed to get as far away as possible from that room… too many memories, too many secrets, and way too many tears.

Chapter 33

Justin was finished packing, so he unzipped the suitcase and started to rummage through it, sure he'd forgotten something. Brian came up behind him, wrapping his arms around the slim waist and pulling him away from his search.

"Relax, you've checked seven times, and you'll be in New York, not a third world country, if you forgot anything I'm pretty sure you can buy it there."

"But I just need to make sure that…"

Brian turned him around, pulling him into a kiss; his hand on the back of his neck, stroking the long blonde hair that now covered it.

"It's going to be okay."

Justin sighed, lowering himself from his tiptoes and leaning his head against Brian's chest. "I don't want to go."

"Two weeks. And _I'll_ be there in five days."

"But then you're leaving again."

"For a few days, but I'll be back in time for the show."

"I'm glad you're arm is finally out of that sling, I missed this."

"Mmmmmm" Brian said, using both his arms to pull Justin closer. His left wrist was still in a cast, but at least he could hold his boy now, he'd missed it too.

"Justin, it's time to leave, I have to get you to the airport."

"I could go tomorrow, it won't make a difference."

"The sooner you go, the sooner you come back home."

Justin reluctantly stepped back, and tried to do one last search of his suitcase but Brian resolutely zipped it up, and took it downstairs. "You have everything you need."

"Not everything." Justin said, pulling Brian in for another hug.

"Christ, you're getting more lesbionic every day."

Justin stuck his tongue out at him. "Just five days right?"

"Right."

Brian dropped Justin off at the airport and picked Lindsay up from work. She'd taken the afternoon off so that she and Brian could go car shopping together as promised.

"Was Justin okay when he left?" she asked as she climbed into the orange box and surveyed it's featured considering the option for herself.

"He was Justin."

"So nervous and petulant?"

Brian grinned; "Apparently you've met him."

"He'll be fine." Lindsay said, putting her hand over Brian's, knowing that while he'd never admit it, Brian was still worried about Justin.

"Yeah he will, and I'll be there in a couple of days."

They headed to the auto-mall.

Brian and Lindsay had a conversation reminiscent of the one he'd had with Justin months before. "Toyota's are very reliable."

"Lindsay, you're the head of the art department, you can't drive a Toyota."

Lindsay laughed, "Brian, we're not all as label conscience as you are, and besides, I'm the head of the art department at a community college. AND I'm a mother of two young children, actually, I think _this_ car might be perfect for us." She said running her hand along the passenger side dash of the orange box that Justin loved so much.

"Fuck no. There will not be TWO of these on the property."

Lindsay laughed, "It's okay, I don't think I could afford it anyway, I'm probably going to end up getting something used."

Brian pinched his nose, déjà vu making his brain hurt, but he couldn't argue Lindsay out of a used car with the same logic he'd used on Justin. Instead, he simply ignored the point and parked in front of the Subaru dealership Lindsay had mentioned.

They looked at the cars, JR running around the showroom, almost two now, and Brian trying to keep an eye on her, and mitigate Lindsay's tastes at the same time. Of course the salesman assumed them to be a couple.

"No driving through the window." She whispered to Brian as she took JR from him and watched aggravated as the salesman turned his full attention to Brian and completely ignored her.

Brian looked over to Lindsay often, asking her opinion, listening to her concerns and trying somewhat politely to steer the assholes sales techniques to the appropriate decision maker but the fucker wouldn't take a hint. He asked how old JR was, and about any other children, but never once listened to her demands regarding her needs for a car.

Brian eventually took JR from Lindsay and pecked her on the cheek. " I'd better call Justin before his head explodes, why don't you take it from here."

The salesman smiled, "Is Justin your son?"

Lindsay was tired, pissed off, and in no mood. "Justin is his lover, I'm a dyke."

The salesman was left with his mouth hanging open, trying to recover from the blunder when Lindsay joined Brian in the parking lot. "Well, he lost a sale." Brian smirked, and they moved on.

It took Lindsay looking at several used cars and multiple dealerships before she decided she just wasn't ready to make the purchase yet. Brian nodded and said that large purchases took a lot of decision-making and careful consideration. He had her drop him off at the dealership for his new car and shook her head. "I can't believe that's what you bought."

"It has a back seat, gets decent gas mileage, and the blue is hot."

She smiled, and drove Justin's car back to the house. Lindsay had done her best not to show her disappointment, but with her recent hire and the money problems caused by her and Mel's past few rocky years, not to mention their move, she just couldn't afford a car right now. She knew she'd have to buy something, but there hadn't been anything on the lots that had been right.

Brian signed the paperwork for his car, and happily took the keys. He drove it directly to the Volvo dealership and signed the paperwork for the SUV Lindsay had eyed so lovingly. He knew she'd balk, but it was rated one of the safest cars on the road, which meant it was the best for Lindsay and Gus and JR, and after what she'd been through, she deserved it. Besides, his new car was pretty much covered between his share of the sale of his mother's house and the insurance coverage for the 'vette. So it was practically like he was buying only one new car, he told himself.

He arranged for delivery of the car the following day and took his new baby for a test spin.

Michael, Ben, Ted, Emmett, Blake, Debbie and Carl were huddled over a booth at the diner with a grid in front of them.

"Okay, so Michael, you and Ben are having dinner with Brian tonight, right?" They both nodded.

"And then we're going to stop by with some "tax prep" stuff for him to sign on Tuesday" Ted said.

"Lindsay said that Wednesday she'd have him help her with Gus." Debbie added. "And Thursday I'm making him come to dinner, we're having family dinner a night early, since he's leaving Friday to see Justin, you'll all be there" she waggled her pencil at them and they nodded their heads in unison. "Good so that should cover most of it. Ted, you've talked to Cynthia?"

Ted nodded, "She knows to keep him busy, and in the office as long as possible."

"Okay, now, Emmett, you're going to spend a day sight seeing with Justin on Tuesday?" Emmett nodded, "Ted and Blake, you two will be in the city on Wednesday and Thursday?" Nods all around.

"I have a conference there anyway." Ted said.

Debbie sighed. "So the first week is covered. Remember, keep them busy, keep them occupied and whatever you do, at the end of two weeks, they better still be together."

They all agreed, game faces on, and when Debbie heard the jingle of the door and noticed it was Brian she pretended to be taking their order. "Fine I'll go put these in" she smiled. "Hi Brian."

"Hey Deb, thought you all might like to see my latest acquisition."

They followed him out to see his new car and gave the appropriate oohs and aaahs.

Michael did his best to seem casual as he invited Brian for dinner that night. Brian shook him off, "I've got a lot of work to do."

"Hey we can bring something over if you'd like." Ben said

Brian cocked an eyebrow, "You two bored of each other already?"

Ben pulled Michael a bit closer, "Not in the least."

"We just haven't gotten to hang out in a while together." Mikey whined. He knew Brian hated it when he whined, but he also knew Brian capitulated when he whined and with his mother breathing down his neck, he was not going to leave without a firm commitment from Brian for tonight.

Brian shrugged, "I'll meet you guys at Woody's after work."

Michael smiled, "See you at seven." And kissed Ben as well, "I really should get back to the store, and Hunter's got a dentist appointment at five so…"

"I'll take him." Ben said. And they left.

Justin suddenly understood Brian's hatred of tiny bottles and airplanes and flying, and airports. He was drunk and rattled when he got off the plane but resisted the Kinneyesqe urge to find a likely prospect and haul him off to the men's room. Instead he hailed a cab and gave the driver the hotel address. It was a different one, Brian had said something about better corporate rates, or higher class of service, but Justin had a feeling that he'd had too many breakdowns in the old hotel and Brian didn't want him to stay there alone. He smiled, Brian was right; he didn't want to stay there alone.

He checked in, and shrugged off the need of a bellman, he had his single suitcase, his backpack and courier bag, he could handle it himself, besides, once he entered the room he planned on locking the door and not leaving again for a while, he hadn't slept well in the past couple of nights and was feeling tired.

The room was beautiful, not that he'd expected less, it was a suite, with a fully appointed living room and a grand master bedroom. Justin threw his bags next to the bed, not bothering to unpack; he grabbed his sketchpad, pencils and the complimentary bottle of champagne and sat down on the sofa.

Once settled he opened the bottle and called Brian.

"Hey"

"Hey.  
"You didn't end up in a hundred fiery pieces?"

"Nope."

"Good, I like you better that way."

Justin smiled. "The place is nice."

"Only the best."

"So what's on your agenda this evening?"

"Woody's with Michael and Ben."

"I wish I could join you."

"Me too."

"I'm tired."

"Nap, you don't have to be at the gallery 'til nine right?"

"Right and then only for like a half hour."

"Tell Ranston I said hi?"

"I think he'll be relived you're not gonna be here all week after the spectacle last time."

"Yeah well who's fault was that?"

"Some stupid kid's."

"Glad I don't have to deal with him anymore."

"Me too."

"So what are you wearing?"  
Justin laughed, "The same thing I was wearing when you put me on the plane."

"Not a very creative answer."

"I'm not in a very creative mood."

Brian understood.

"Hey, did you pick up your new car?"  
"Maybe."

"Am I gonna get to see it?"  
"When you come home."  
"Is this some stupid way of making sure I come home?"  
"No, this is a very brilliant way of making sure you come home."

"Brian."

"Mmmmmm?"  
"I promise you I'm coming home."

"Duh, all your stuff is here."

Justin laughed again, "I love you, and I'm going to take a nap."

"See you soon."

Justin flipped idly through the channels drinking the entire bottle of champagne and eventually crashing on the sofa, drunk, and too tired to be nervous. He had seven hours until he had to be at the gallery, which was only a few blocks from the hotel. He just let himself shut down for a bit, his entire body feeling as if it had been spinning at high speed for weeks.

When he awoke it was after eight and his head hurt. He stumbled into the bathroom to pee and when he was done ended up emptying his stomach contents as well. He brushed his teeth and took a quick shower. He was dressed and about to leave when his phone rang. He picked up his keycard, slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and answered it.

"Hi baby."

"Hi Emmett."

"How's the big city?"  
Justin laughed, "So far all I've seen is the hotel room."

"You should go out and have some fun."

"I'm on my way to the gallery, have to make an appearance, then maybe I'll worry about fun."  
"Well, as it turns out, I am going to be in town tomorrow, I thought you could show me the sights."

"Emmett, I don't even know the sights, and why are you gonna be in New York?"  
"I've got to meet with a client who's doing her daughters wedding here but she swears she's too busy to come to Pittsburgh for the initial planning meeting so…"

Justin sighed, sensing a set up of some kind, but thought maybe the company might be appreciated, he gave Emmett the hotel address and room number. "I'm at the gallery, so I've got to go, what time should I expect you tomorrow?"  
"Oh probably around noon."

"What time is your meeting?"  
"Oh, um, early, so we'll be done before noon, then I'll just hop a cab and meet you, we can spend the day finding out what fabulous things New York has to offer."

"See you then."

"Have a good night sweetie."

"You too Em."

Justin took a deep breath and stamped out his cigarette before entering the gallery. Ranston saw him and made his way over at once.

"Justin, great you're here, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

Justin put on his fake smile and schmoozed with an older woman who seemed to be constantly in the midst of trying to find what foul odor was assaulting her. She seemed somewhat impressed with his work however, and wanted to know more about one of his pieces that was currently hanging.

Justin gave her an explanation that satisfied her need to feel part of the art elite. He never told her what the image actually represented, that was for each person to decide for themselves.

Ranston took him back to the area where the works for the show were being stored, and they discussed a few minor issues, placement, groupings etc. and Justin promised that they would go into further detail next week and that he'd be there on Wednesday to make sure all the paintings were labeled correctly. He got out of the gallery as quickly as possible, fighting off the urge to book a flight home.

He was walking quickly when he decided he needed to burn off some energy; he'd slept all day, heavily after so much champagne, and needed to move. He hailed a cab and ended up in the East Village.

He listened and looked and walked, and smiled at a couple of guys who cruised him, and narrowed his eyes to a couple of guys who tried to cruise him too closely.

Once inside the club he actually felt relaxed, the music was throbbing and heavy, the bodies were sleek and toned. He checked his bag and coat and made his way to the bar. There were times, back when he had been a genuine twink, a broke busboy with a ridiculous crush, that he'd let the men who were now offering to buy him drinks do so. Tonight he didn't want anyone thinking he owed them anything, tonight, he wanted a few drinks, and he wanted to dance.

He ordered and downed the shot quickly, drinking the beer more slowly as he surveyed the crowd. There were a few likely prospects but he wasn't particularly in the mood. So he ordered two more shots, downed them with practiced ease, finished his beer and made his way onto the dance floor. Black jeans, dark green t-shirt making him look even more pale and his hair more gold, he moved to the beat, dancing with no one in particular.

Over the years he'd become good at this, dancing with men, but not WITH them, happily shaking them off when they wanted more. If he stopped to think about it he'd realize that he'd never done it alone, it was always at Babylon where even if Brian wasn't there, Michael, Ted, Emmett, Ben, or some combination thereof was ever-present. He never really considered how many times Emmett would dance with him out of the blue, or suddenly Michael and Ben would be dancing together but near him. It never really occurred to Justin that his family made sure that no one hurt him. He'd be touched, and probably angry if he knew just how protective they all felt for him.

Maybe that's why tonight it felt different, he felt more in control, there was no one to glare disapprovingly, no one to prove something to, and no one to interrupt, so when a beautiful blonde with great hands snaked them around his waist Justin leaned into the dance. It was nice.

They danced for a while more and the guy invited him to the back room. Justin shrugged him off, and the guy smiled, and they danced a little longer. Eventually Justin extricated himself and had a few more drinks, he was feeling good when he returned to the floor and someone else pulled him into a dance, this guy was good, and the feel of their bodies together was hot. Eventually Justin pulled him into the back room himself, pushing the dark haired, slight man to his knees.

He gave good head, which was rare for Justin to feel these days when it wasn't Brian, but hell, there were good fags out there other than Mr. Kinney who knew how to suck a cock. The guy looked into his eyes and Justin glanced down, wanting him. He pulled him up and pushed him against the wall. He rolled the condom on quickly and lubed it before pushing himself in. Hearing the guy grunt he smiled and played with the mans nipples, letting him adjust to the feel. Then he began, long slow strokes, keeping his rhythm relaxed for a bit until the trick was fisting himself and pushing back onto Justin fast and hard. Justin increased the pace, leaning his head into the spot between the mans shoulder blades, one hand on the wall next to the guys face, and as he felt the guy come he did the same, letting out a low moan.

He dropped the condom and tucked himself back into his own clothes. He danced a little longer and went back to the hotel. It was one am.

The phone was ringing. It was Brian.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You okay?"  
"Drunk I think."

"Mini bar?"

"No this was a full sized bar."

"Do anything fun, or anyone?"  
"Some guy, he wasn't bad, gave pretty good head, made weird noises though, thought he might be having an asthma attack but turns out, he just had a fucked up way of breathing."

Brian laughed, "Well, new experiences are good for you."

"Yeah, Emmett's going to be in town tomorrow, so I'm probably gonna hang out with him."

"Mikey and Ben took me to Woody's and then to Popperz, they wanted me to stay at their place tonight."

"And Ted has a seminar in the city on Wednesday."

"And Lindsay wants me to have dinner with Gus on Wednesday"

"I think we're being baby sat."

Brian laughed, "I got the same impression."  
"So who is it you think they don't trust?"  
"Probably me."

"Then why all the time with me?"

"Because you're more fun anyway."

"Oh yeah."  
"And they probably think you're going to fall apart without me."

"I would, but it's only five days."  
"You'd be fine without me."

"Shut the fuck up, we're not having this discussion."

"You going to sleep now?"

"Was thinking about it?"

"What are you wearing?"

"Not a damn thing, how bout you?"  
"Just smoking a joint in bed, naked."

"Are you thinking about me?"

"I'm talking to you."

"That's not what I meant."

"Yeah, I'm thinking about you."

"Me too."

"You're thinking about yourself?"  
"Brian, don't be stupid."

"Okay, I want you to do me a favor."

"Mmmmmm hmmm?"  
"I want you to open your suitcase."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Fine hang on. Justin opened his suitcase and Brian could hear him even though Justin had put the phone down.

"Brian, what if my luggage had been searched."

"They'd have known you were a size queen."

"How did you know I wouldn't find it before you called?"  
"You never unpack. Now take it with you to the bed."

"I'm on the bed." Justin's voice was huskier now, and Brian was surprised at what just the sound of him could do to his body.

"I want you to put the phone on speaker, I need both your hands free."

Justin complied. "I'm on speaker."

"Now, touch your nipples, know that my tongue is there, licking them, playing with them." Justin moaned and Brian's hand found his own hard on as he pictured Justin laying on the bed playing with himself, his pale skin flushed pink with desire.

"You're hard aren't you?"

"God yes." Justin said as his hand moved down to touch his leaking cock.

"Are you touching yourself?"

"Yes."

"Stop."

Justin whimpered a little which let Brian know he'd stopped. "Now, get on your knees, I want you to lube your ass."

Justin was moaning softly as he did so.

"That's my tongue, slide your fingers where you want my tongue to be."

Justin did as Brian commanded.

"Are you ready for me Justin?"  
"Brian, fuck me."

"Guide me inside."

And Justin grabbed the huge dildo that Brian had snuck into his luggage and pushed it against himself.

"It's big." he said.

"Do it all at once, I want to hear you scream."

Justin did, pushing the ten-inch long, and easily six inch round shaft deep into himself, he groaned and Brian shuddered at the sound, moving his hand faster to the sounds Justin was making into the phone.

"Okay, are you ready for me?"

Justin moaned again.

"Do you want me to fuck you Justin?"  
"Please yes."

"Do it."

And Justin did, pulling the shaft in and out of himself, twisting it, pushing it into his own prostate and feeling his body tremble, closing his eyes and imagining Brian's body over him, kissing him, hearing Brian moaning from the phone by his head, as he grunted into the microphone, driving Brian to the brink from the sounds he was making.

"Come for me Justin."

Justin reached down, and ran his hand along his own cock, his face turned to the side so that the phone still picked up the sounds he was making as both of his hands worked him to orgasm.

"Brian I'm gonna come."

"I wanna hear it."

"So close."

"Come for me."

And Justin did, moaning and shooting onto the bedspread, His ass filled, his body shaking.

"Now roll over."

Justin did.

"Am I still inside you?"

Justin nodded, and then laughed, "yes,"

"Okay, I'll stay there for as long as you need, just go to sleep now sonny-boy, you've got to deal with Emmett tomorrow."

Justin smiled, "I love you Brian."

"You're not so bad yourself."

Neither hung up the phone immediately, each listening to the other one breathe. And finally Justin heard Brian's phone disconnect, and he tiredly reached for a pillow, draping his arm over it, as if it were Brian's chest.

Brian turned to his side, pulling a pillow close to himself wishing it were Justin's back that was pressed against his chest. They both fell asleep hoping that Friday got there quickly.

Chapter 34

Brian hit the alarm and reached over for Justin, for a moment he was aggravated. "The kid better not be in the studio this early" he thought to himself and then he remembered. "Fuck, he's in New York."

He ran his hand through his hair tiredly and tried not to think about how much better he slept when there was a blonde twink drooling on his shoulder. He took a quick shower and headed to the office. He considered stopping at the diner first but wasn't really in the mood to deal with anyone. He barely grunted a hello to Cynthia before he closed his office door and buried himself in design boards and half assed ideas and basically anything that would keep his brain occupied for a couple of hours.

Justin woke up groggy and bleary-eyed. His phone was ringing. It was Brian.

"Why are you calling me so early?"

"It's ten am Sunshine."

"Fuck, I thought I set the alarm."

"Alarms can be tricky."

"Fuck you." Justin said, recognizing the mocking in Brian's tone.

"Don't you need to be ready to show Emmett the sights?"

Justin lay back down, "Not for a couple of hours."

"Well at least you're sleeping."

"Fucking meds make me sleep too much, you know that."

"Take them anyway."

"I am."

"So how are you?"

"Tired."

"I mean…"

"I know what you mean, I'm fine, and I'm not three years old."

"You're still not allowed to use that word. Have you eaten anything?"

"I just woke up."

Deciding not to push the issue but still concerned about how Justin would react to the stress of the upcoming show coupled with their brief separation Brian decided to say nothing for now.

"Tell me again why I have to be here for two weeks?"

"Contractual obligation."

"Next time I'm gonna read the fucking contract before I sign it."

Brian laughed, "I think next time I'll read it for you, just to make sure you're not letting them put in clauses about leaving me again."

"Brian…"

"I know, I'm kidding, when did you lose your sense of humor?"

"I think when I got about 150 miles from you."

"That's pathetic."

"I know."

"So where are you and Emmett heading?"

"Who knows, we'll figure something out, lunch, shopping, something fabulous for clubbing and then you know, lots of drugs and an orgy."

"Hmmm, maybe I will come there early."

"Pfft, if all it took was sex, I'd have had you here already."

"You had me last night."

"Last night was hot, but it wasn't you."

"Awww, you miss me."

"You don't miss me?" Justin was using a voice that made it clear he was pouting.

"Nope, I love all the extra space, and no drool on my shoulder, it's refreshing."

Justin laughed, "If I thought that were true, I'd be heartbroken."

Brian said nothing, refusing to admit just how much he wanted Justin back NOW…they'd spent too much time away from each other in the past year.

"I've got to go, I should shower before Emmett arrives."

"And I've got a meeting in fifteen minutes."

"Is he hot?"

"Haven't seen him yet."

"I expect a detailed description."

"I'll call you later tonight."

"Later."

Brian closed his phone and thanked Emmett silently; Justin's voice had been shaky. He needed a friend right now.

Justin closed the phone and cried. He knew it was stupid. He knew that it was four fucking days until Brian would be there, and that he was an adult, perfectly capable of managing without him, and yet. Brian was so recently back from his spiral, and he felt so riddled with anxiety on some days that the absolute promise that the house held for him. The safety of knowing that Brian would eventually come to their bed, that he always had that bed to crawl into, even if it were only for a couple of hours, it was something he missed more than he would admit.

He drew in a ragged breath, turning the shower hotter than he usually liked and stood under the spray relishing the feel of the water and the soothing effects of the steam. He had his morning breakdown, and now he'd be ready to face the day, and the night, and Emmett would be there to help him. Silently he thanked the meddlesome group of friends that were keeping their eyes on the both of them this week. He felt better knowing Brian was being baby sat as well.

Brian's meeting went well and the guy was hot. He fucked him in his office after the rest of the creative team had left. It would do until he got to New York.

Justin was pulling on a t-shirt when he heard a knock at his door. He answered it, his hair still damp from the shower.

"Ooh, am I interrupting something?"

"No Em, I'm ready to go."

"Fabulous, and you look great sweetie."

Justin gave him a crooked smile, "I look like shit and we both know it."

"Well, auntie Em can fix that."

Justin raised an eyebrow, doing his best Brian Kinney impersonation. It didn't work; on Justin it looked more cute than intimidating. Emmett laughed.

"So where are we going?"

They were walking down the hallway towards the elevator, Justin's bag slung over his shoulder, his jacket and scarf still in his hands.

"I thought we'd see a few touristy sites, and then do a little shopping, a little lunch…"

"How was your meeting?"

"What?"

"Your meeting, with the mother of the bride?"

"Oh, fine, just the same old concerns."

Justin smiled to himself, willing to bet that there was no client at all. "Well lunch sounds good, I'm starving."

Emmett nodded and they began discussing lunch options.

Brian was finally home. Cynthia had plied him with paperwork and meetings and phone calls to return until he began to suspect some sort of plot. Every time he thought he might be able to get out of the office someone came in with something else that needed his immediate attention. It was well past eight by the time he finally turned off the lights in his office.

He had just finished changing out of his work clothes when he heard the doorbell. He cursed to himself, and answered.

"Theodore, haven't we seen enough of each other today?"

"Yeah, but I forgot to get you to sign these, and they quarterly tax stuff is due at the end of the month, so…"

"And you brought Blake along for moral support?"

"Well, we were heading out to dinner and then I remembered, so we swung by."

"Swung by?" Brian wasn't buying a word of it; they lived a half an hour in the other direction.

"Where exactly were you heading for dinner in this neck of the woods?"

Ted shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "Just have dinner with us or Debbie's gonna have my ass."

Brian laughed, "You're tonight's babysitter?"

Ted tried to blow it off, "Babysitter? No, we just figured, since now you have some free time and we hardly get to see you that…"

Brian was glaring menacingly, but then realized that his options were limited to leftover takeout, or dinner with Ted and Blake. He thought longingly about the congealed Thai noodles in the fridge from Thursday but decided he'd be a good sport. "Fine."

Ted breathed a sigh of relief and Blake smiled at him, "I knew he'd give in."

"No you didn't."

"No, I didn't, but I think he really misses Justin."

Brian returned with shoes on and a jacket, "I don't miss Justin, but I do miss his cooking."

They headed out to find something that wasn't a generic chain restaurant, but ended up at one anyway. The suburbs are like that.

Justin and Emmett were browsing through racks of outrageously hued clothing talking about nothing in particular.

Emmett held up a bright blue shirt with side insets of yellow transparent plastic for Justin's approval.

Justin wrinkled his nose and shook his head, and Emmett shrugged and added it to the growing pile of clothes to take back to the dressing room.

Justin found a sheer white shirt with a blue sheen to it that he thought might look great under a disco ball, he held it up and Emmett nodded enthusiastically.

"So when is Brian actually coming to the big city?"

"Friday, I wish he were here now."

Emmett pretended to pout. "Well, if I'm not good company…"

"Emmett, you know that's not it, I just hate this city, and I hate it more without him."

"I know sweetie, but look at it this way, if you two got through those three months after the um…non wedding, then surely you can make it through two weeks."

"I hope so."

"You really worried sugar?" Emmett looked at Justin trying to ascertain how upset he was.

"You know Brian, he changes his mind and then it gets stuck that way. What if I'm not there and its you know, easier, or more relaxing. Fuck, I don't have the energy for that fight again."

"He's not gonna do that this time baby. He loves you."

"Fuck Emmett. I know that. I've known that longer than he's known that. But he forgets, and it's really hard to remind him sometimes."

"Really hard?"

"Stop it, you know what I mean. Sure, he'll fuck me even when he's convinced himself he doesn't love me, but… Dammit…he better not fucking forget."

Emmett laughed, "I think you may have finally convinced him you're not just a trick."

"Every time I think that he pulls some shit like last month."

"Last month, when he totaled the car?"

"Yeah, he tried it again after the accident."

"Tried what?"

Emmett was always willing to talk to Justin and to listen but usually Justin was guarded and vague when he discussed the details of his relationship with Brian. Emmett often wondered if it was because he was protecting Brian by not sharing things Brian would deem mushy or too personal or if it was because Justin thought that talking about it might damage it in some way, jinxing it or something.

"He tried to convince me to go away again, to leave him."

Emmett gasped, "That fucker, he did it again, I thought he was over that shit."

"Yeah well so did I. Then his mom died, and he was like, fucking 29 again, 'Mr. No one loves me, no one should love me, I don't believe in love, I'm just like my dad Kinney' it took everything I had to convince him I wasn't leaving."

How did you finally convince him?"

"I stayed"

Emmett laughed. Justin didn't join him.

"But now I'm not there. What if it's easier without me?"

"It isn't. We've all seen him without you, trust me, he doesn't find life easier."

"Emmett, promise me when you go back you'll keep an eye on him, I don't care if you have to camp out on the front doorstep, just don't let him get too used to being alone."

Emmett smiled, "I don't think he'll have too much alone time."

"Deb arranged all this didn't she?"

"All what?" Emmett tried to look shocked and offended.

"The babysitting."

"It's not that it's just…" Emmett trailed off.

"It's just that you all know what a flaming disaster it becomes when Brian does that thing."

Emmett wrapped his arms around Justin from behind, "Sweetie, that thing, that Brian does."

"Yeah?"

"It's usually because you let him."

Justin turned around quickly about to argue and then stopped and slumped his shoulders.

"Yeah, it is. I forget sometimes too."

"Well, that's what the 'babysitting' is about. It's so neither of your forget."

Justin smiled, "You guys care about us that much?"

"Care about you? Sweetie, do you KNOW what it takes to put up with the two of you when you're apart. First we have to keep track of you, so he can get updates. Then we have to watch him, to make sure he doesn't end up in a coma on the floor of the gravel pit. Then we get to watch him fuck every non-blonde in Pittsburgh while swearing he doesn't give a shit. Then we all get the glory of your company while you regale us with how wonderful the life you're hating is. It's fucking exhausting."

Justin laughed even harder now. "It's not really that bad."

Emmett gave him a serious look. "It really is. So no forgetting."

Justin nodded, I promise, now lets go try these on.

They went back to the hotel to change before they went out dancing. Justin was laughing hysterically at the story Emmett was telling about the straight couple that thought a rainbow themed wedding was romantic while he swiped his card to open the door. It hit him the moment he walked in.

For some reason Justin had been able to put it all out of his head with Emmett, and shopping, and he'd even managed to eat lunch without issue and in the back of his head he knew he'd see Brian soon and it was all going to be okay, but then he opened the hotel door and suddenly knew that Brian wasn't there. He wasn't anywhere near, he wasn't coming, he wasn't okay. He began to shake.

Emmett was still laughing when he saw the change in Justin. "Sweetie, you okay?"  
Justin sat on the bed, sweating and shivering at the same time. He got up quickly and ran to the bathroom, losing his lunch and the pretzel he'd bought from a vendor earlier. He came back out and smiled a little apologetically.

"You're shaking."

Justin nodded, still not able to speak, his breathing was shallow, and his heart was racing. He tried to breathe, tried to remember what his doctor had told him to do to get through an attack, but it wasn't working. He curled up on the bed. "Sorry Em." He said quietly, tears running down his face.

Emmett was worried, he looked sick, he'd seen how tired and thin Justin had gotten when he had been working on the party and the show at the same time, but he'd seemed to have recovered, but now…Emmett wasn't so sure. Justin pulled the duvet around him, curled up in a ball. His teeth chattering. He tried to talk to Justin but wide blue eyes stared wide with fear, not seeming to see him. He reached out to touch Justin's shoulder but the blonde flinched away, pulling himself into a tight ball. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, but he wasn't making a sound.

Emmett, not knowing what else to do, called Brian.

Brian was actually amused by Blake. It could be the entire bottle of red wine he'd had, or possibly the joint he'd smoked on the way to the restaurant, but Blake had amusing stories about his clients, although he refused to use real names, and had far more of a personality than anyone Brian would have imagined with Ted.

He was laughing at something when his phone rang.

"Brian, something's wrong with Justin."

"What the fuck's going on?"

Emmett described the symptoms, and Brian could hear the panic in his voice. "Fuck, put the phone up to his ear, and do me a favor."

Brian took a deep breath; he couldn't believe he was saying this. He stood up and walked away from the table, motioning to Ted and Blake that He'd return in a few minutes.

"Emmett."

"Yes Brian?"

"Look, just run your hand along his back, and give him the phone."

"Okay."

"Justin, you there?"

"Brian?"

"You okay?"

"I'm f…"

"Don't fucking even think about it."

"Scared Brian."

"I know."

"It's not gonna be okay."

"It is."

"You're not coming."

"Yes I am."

"Brian."

"I'm right here Justin, I'll be there in a couple of days I promise."

"Brian, you can't come here, you need to…"

"Shhhh, you're going to be okay, and I'm coming there in a couple of days, just listen to me okay? Justin are you listening?"

"Mmmmmm hmmm."

"You're just doing that thing, that panic thing, you're really good at it sonny-boy. You do it better than anyone I know. You don't do anything halfway. But it's just panic, it's not real, I promise."

"How do you know?"

"I know everything."

"No you don't"

"Yes I do."

"Nuh uh."

Brian relaxed, Justin was in a teasing mood, and he'd be okay.

"I know absolutely everything and the one thing I know better than anyone else is you."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Why the fuck would I be mad?"

"Because I'm insane?"

"We've been through this, I like you insane, it keeps things interesting."

"I'm sorry."

"You're not allowed to say that either."

"Brian, I'm okay now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Breathe for me."

Justin inhaled deeply and exhaled. "See, I'm okay."

"Go out with Emmett tonight, don't take too much E and no coke or crystal, you don't need your heart racing any more tonight."

"I promise."

"I'll stay on as long as you need me."

"I'm okay now, go back to whatever you were doing."

"I'm having dinner with Ted and Blake."

Justin laughed "No wonder you want to stay on the phone with me."

Brian laughed too.

"I'm gonna go now Brian."

"Okay, take a shower, and relax."

"I will, I love you."

"I know."

"Call me later?"

"Later."

Brian hung up the phone and returned to the table. "Client issue it's resolved."

Neither Ted nor Blake believed him for a moment, they both knew it was Justin, but they were also both smart enough not to say anything.

Brian gripped his own knee under the table trying to make his hands stop shaking. Fine, Justin was okay, but now he was a fucking mess. The kid was in the city, alone and scared. No, Emmett was there, he wasn't alone. He ordered another bottle of wine and his dinner companions sat back knowing the evening might end up being longer than they had originally anticipated.

Emmett continued to rub his hand along Justin's spine while the blonde talked to Brian. He had no idea what they were saying to each other, Justin was mumbling into the phone and he only caught every few words but he felt the boy relax. He felt his heart slow, and his breathing return to normal. He heard him laugh. Christ, ten minutes ago Emmett had been ready to rush the kid to the emergency room, and now he was laughing, and teasing Brian. Emmett shook his head; these two forgot what they meant to each other. They were both fucking insane.

He was still rubbing Justin's back when the blonde hung up the phone.

Justin lay there for a while, his eyes closed, pretending that it was Brian's hand soothing him. Remembering Brian's words. His promise. He'd be here.

He sat up, and smiled a little. "Sorry 'bout that, I guess I just freaked."

"A little, but it's okay, if you don't want to go out…"

"No, just give me a few minutes to shower, and then we'll go."

"Okay baby. I'll get changed."

Justin nodded and let the hot water soothe him back to full calm. He let it wash away the tears and the stiffness in his shoulders and when he was dressed in his new form fitting brown leather jeans and a dark blue top that accentuated his eyes while also drawing attention to his pale skin. He looked amazing. Emmett forgot how hot Justin looked when he really tried and reminded himself silently that he wasn't worth dying for.

Emmet had gone with bright red leather pants and a purple shirt that accentuated his muscular arms and sculpted torso. He was flamboyant and eye catching and beautiful. The two took off together and enjoyed each other's company as they drank a couple of beers and surveyed the club. It was Tuesday night, but the crowd was starting to build. They smiled at each other and made their way to the dance floor, happily dancing with each other, and others who offered. Emmett pressed a tab of E into Justin's hand and he swallowed it dry, dancing with a hot guy with long brown hair while he waited for the drugs to take over.

A little while later, the club was dazzling. Justin was feeling no pain and Emmett was watching him carefully. He hadn't taken anything himself, after Justin's little episode he felt the need to have his wits about him, but he also understood that Justin might need to lose himself a little for the night.

Justin did go disappear with a beautiful dark haired guy, black hair and startling blue eyes, but he returned, with a broad smile and a satisfied stagger fifteen minutes later. He danced with Emmett some more, losing himself to the music. Emmet offered him a popper and he let his eyes roll back for a few seconds and danced even harder. Eventually he found himself with a blonde god, Six foot three, perfect body, and amazing abilities with his mouth. He was smiling even more broadly when he returned again. Emmett decided it was time to take him home.

"I want to stay a little longer."

"Sweetie, you've got to be at the gallery at ten tomorrow and it's already two thirty."

"Fuck, I have to be back by three."

"Still?"

"It's the rules." Justin smiled, "Watch, the phone will ring at 2:59"

Emmett grabbed Justin, paid the coat check for their coats and hailed a cab. He poured the blonde into the taxi, and gave the hotel address. They got back to the room at 2:58

A minute later the phone rang.

"See." Justin said as he answered.

"See what?" Brian asked.

"Nothing, I was just saying you call a minute early."

"I do not, I called at three."

"It's 2:59"

"It takes time to dial."

"You have voice dial."

"What the fuck are you on?"

"You said it could do E."

"Where'd you get it."

"Emmett, duh, I don't take candy from strangers."

Brian laughed, "You're flying."

"I am, you should be too, then we could fuck, and we'd be fucking flying." Justin started to laugh uncontrollably.

"Is Emmett there?"

"Yep."

"Put him on for a second."

"Sure thing."

"He wants you to watch me" Justin said, handing the phone to the taller man.

"Brian?"

"You staying?"

"I'll stay, no problem."

"Make sure he drinks a lot of water, and don't give him any fucking valium to help him come down, he's already got a sleeping pill, oh and he'll forget, so make sure he takes it, and his other meds, they're packed in the inside zipper of his suitcase."

"Okay"

"Are you on anything."

"I thought I'd baby-sit tonight."

"I owe you one."

"I'll be sure and collect."

Brian heard Justin giggling, and then Emmett made a small yelping sound. Brian growled. "You're not collecting from him tonight."

"Brian, I value my life a little more than that."

"I want to talk to my…Brian."

Emmett handed the phone back to Justin. "You should have seen the guy who blew me tonight, he was hot. Not as hot as you, but still."

Brian smiled and tried to think of it as just another trick, he was not gonna start getting jealous about shit like this now.

"What was his name?"

"Shhhh, that's against the rules, no names, I called him Blondie."

"So he was blonde?"

"Nope, the other guy was, I called him Turk."

"Why Turk?"

Justin started to laugh. "Um, I don't remember, but he had a great tongue, Blondie had black hair and liked it hard and fast."

"I'm glad you had fun."

"It's more fun with you, I like you hard and fast, or hard and slow, or…well, just hard."

Brian smiled, "yeah, well, you do that to me."

"Do I make you horny baby do I?" Justin asked in a terrible Austin powers impression.

"Not when you're this tweaked."

Justin pouted. "You can't see it but I'm pouting."

"I can hear it."

"Brian, come here."

"I will come once I'm there."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"Did you fuck the client?"

"Yes."

"Was he hot?"

"Not as hot as you Blondie."

Justin giggled. "I should go, I have a guest to entertain."

"That's Emmett, it's a different kind of entertaining."

"Pfft, I know, you don't fuck your friends. Duh, I'm tweaked not stupid."

"Okay then. Go take your meds and drink some water, and go to sleep."

"Do you remember that you love me?"

"Yes."

"Good, don't forget okay?"

"Okay."

"I remember stuff about you."

"Like what?"

"Like that it makes you moan when I lick the tattoo on the inside of your thigh and that I love that, oh, and I love you."

Brian laughed again. "It's all true."

"G'night Bri."

"G'night sunshine."

Justin closed the phone and Emmett pretended not to have heard most of the conversation.

Chapter 35

The phone rang at nine.

"What?"

"Good morning sir, this is the front desk with your wake up call."

"Fuck off."

"Yes sir."

Justin groaned, he didn't feel like spending an entire day at the gallery arguing with Ranston but he knew he had to. He crawled out of bed, his only goal a shower.

"I'm gonna get going sweetie, my plane leaves in a little over an hour."

Justin had forgotten Emmett was still there. "Why'd you sleep on the couch?"

"I like my arms attached."

Justin smiled, "Brian only pretends to be jealous."

"He's not pretending, besides, better safe than sorry, especially when you were flying so high last night."

Justin's smile widened, "last night was fun. Fuck, did I do that to you Emmett?"

Emmett looked at him questioningly and then noticed where his eyes were directed; there was a large hickey on Emmett's neck. "No baby, that was someone else."

"Good, that'd be awkward."

"I gotta go, see you at the show."

"Yeah, and don't forget…"

"I know, take care of Brian, we will."

Justin leaned in to kiss Emmett on the cheek and once the door shut behind him he turned the shower on as hot as he could stand it and stood under the spray.

Emmet was in the elevator before he put a hand to his neck. Yes, Justin had done that, but in his sleep, and there was no reason to make an issue out of it. Emmett had lay down next to Justin after handing him his meds and some water. Soon after they both drifted off. He had awoken to Justin whispering Brian's name and nibbling at his neck. He'd pushed the blonde off of him and moved to the sofa for the rest of the night. Brian was one lucky bastard, he thought to himself as he hailed a cab to get him to the airport.

Justin was at the gallery by ten thirty, and ignored Ranston's ramblings about punctuality. They started to go through the catalog for the show and time flew.

Brian tried to call Justin twice but there was no answer on the hotel phone and his cell went directly to voicemail. After the third message he stopped calling. Justin would call him when he could. He was at the gallery today.

He focused instead on the new line of cosmetics that he was working on making more upscale. Trying to get them into finer stores instead of hanging on racks at the Big Q. He thought he might have come up with a marketing angle that hadn't been done a thousand times before when his phone rang.

"Is it too late to go to Dartmouth?"

"I think so, rough day?"

"Grrr, you don't want to know."

"Sure I do."

"Fucking Ranston, wants to hang pieces so that they'll juxtapose."

"Juxtaposition is bad?"

"I want the show to flow, I want to start with certain pieces that ease into other pieces, kind of telling a story. In his version the story looks a lot like memento."

"Well, that's…. artsy."

"It's bullshit Brian. It's MY stuff, it should hang in the order I say."

"Sadly, he's not as willing to put up with your being a bossy bottom as I am."  
Justin took a long drag of his cigarette, he was walking towards the nearest Starbucks, he wasn't even sure he wanted coffee, he had just used the need for a latte as an excuse to get away from Ranston before he smashed one of his own paintings over the mans head.

"Brian, he's an asshole."

"Yeah, he is."

"I suppose you won't help me kill him either?"

"Not 'til after the show at least."

"After the show I won't need to kill him."

"Then the problem goes away either way."

"Brian."

"Yeah?"

"You're coming on Friday right?"

Brian sighed, "I'm getting really tired of that question."

"I'm really getting tired of Ranston telling me what a wonderful contrast numbers 39 and 7 would be hanging next to each other."

"Why don't you take a break and get some lunch."

"I'm getting a latte."

"That's not food."

"Are we really gonna have this conversation?"

"Not if you ate this morning."

Justin was silent.

"Last night?"

Justin still didn't say anything.

Brian's free hand balled into a fist. "I'm not coming to New York if you're gonna be all skinny and crazy when I get there."

"You said you liked me crazy."

"Fucking eat something."

Justin took his latte and left Starbucks. "There's a hotdog vendor, will that make you happy?"

"Sure, botulism sounds delicious."

"Fuck you."

"I'm planning on fucking you."

Justin rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me."

"How the fuck did you know I was rolling my eyes?"

"I heard it."

"I'm gonna scream."

"You're on the street in New York, I don't think anyone will even notice."

Justin shook his head. "Hang on Brian. One with mustard. Okay I'm back."

"You're really eating a hotdog on the street."

"I don't have time to do much else, if I stay away too long I'm going to have to revisit the fights I've already won this morning."

"I'd help if I could."

"I know you would."

"Who's babysitting you tonight?"

"I think Ted and Blake are in town, but I'm thinking of blowing them off. I'm tired. You?"

"I'm going over to Lindsay's to help her assemble something for Gus, or JR."

"Did she buy something just so you'd have to assemble it?"

Brian laughed. "Maybe she took something apart so I'd have to reassemble it. The kid is six, I still don't know what a fucking gratchett is."

"Well, it'll be nice for you to spend time with Gus, you haven't had a lot of time lately."

"You mean I haven't been using my time wisely lately."

"I was trying not to nag."

"It's amazing how well you can nag without actually saying anything."

"Yeah, I'm just that good."

"You are good."

"Except when I'm bad."

"Even then, you're pretty fucking good."

"Stop, I'm blushing. I've got to go, I'm back at the gallery, and GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT! He's rearranging things we've already agreed on."

"Friday."

"Yeah, later." Justin said distracted as he closed his phone and stormed into the gallery to fight for his vision of his first solo show.

Brian put the phone down relieved. Justin was angry, but he wasn't scared, and he'd at least tried to eat. Two fucking days. No big deal, they were grown men, he was Brian fucking Kinney for fucks sake, he could handle two fucking days until he saw Justin.

At seven Justin's phone rang again, It was Ted and Blake. "Hey, we were wondering what you were doing for dinner."

"Joining you, but I have to get back to the hotel, shower and change. I'll meet you in the lobby at eight?"

"Sounds good."

He hung up quickly and promised Ranston he'd be at the teaser show on Saturday, and at the Sunday brunch with the backers. He also made Ranston promise not to touch the order they'd agreed upon, and headed back to the hotel.

Blake and Ted were waiting for him in the lobby when he came back down. They debated options and ended up at an upscale trendy annoyingly pretentious place with mediocre food but Blake was actually pleasant company. He had amusing client stories and Ted filled Justin in on what he'd missed while he was gone. Neither one would tell him what kind of car Brian had bought; they'd been sworn to secrecy.

At eleven they left and Justin went back up to his room. He was tired, and his head was spinning with ideas for the show, and ideas for new paintings, he grabbed his sketchbook, he took his meds and waited for Brian to call.

Brian showed up on Lindsay's doorstep at seven, he'd changed into jeans. She greeted him with a hug and a large box. "It says all the tools are included."

Brian snorted, "They're always missing something, what is this anyway?"

"It's a play center for JR."

Brian stared for a second. "If I promise to stay and be babysat anyway, do I still have to put this together?"

Lindsay laughed, "Yes, you know Michael can't work a gratchett, and you were so good with Gus's swing set."

"Yeah, great, as I recall Mel was the one who actually got it to stand up and hold weight."

"Well, Mel isn't around to do that now."

Brian tried to ignore the note of sadness in Lindsay's voice. Instead he opened the box and pretended to study the assembly manual.

"Brian… About the car."

"You don't like the color?"

"You know I can't accept it."

"Bullshit, you need to be able to get to work, it's the safest thing on the road, and it's what's best for Gus, and JR."

"Brian, I'm trying to stand on my own here."

"I'm not stopping you, go stand all by yourself, stand anywhere you want, just stand there with the keys in your pocket."

Lindsay sighed. "It's too much."

"It's nothing. Give it to Gus when he's 16 we'll call it an early birthday present."

"Brian." Lindsay laughed.

He smiled at her, "I want you to have the fucking car okay, you and the kids need it, you can't keep taking Justin's and I'm sure as hell not lending you mine so really, it's for me. This way I don't have to lend your or Justin my new car."

"So you bought me the new Volvo SUV with a DVD player for the kids and all the bells and whistles because you're selfish and won't share your car with me or Justin?"

"Yes."

She laughed again. "Fine, but this is the last thing I'm accepting from you."

"Actually I was thinking we should put an addition onto this house."

"Brian!"

"Seriously, JR's a regular speed demon, and Gus isn't exactly shrinking, I figured we'd add on a large living room, a study and Make the kitchen a little bigger, nothing too extravagant but…"

"Brian you can't just give me a house."

"Who's giving you a house? I'm increasing the resale value of the property. Besides, if you want Gus to have a dog, you should probably fence in the back yard, and if I'm going to do that, then we need to figure out where the back yard is, and we can't do that until we put the addition on. It's just more practical this way."

Lindsay sighed and went to the kitchen to check on dinner, trying to decide if she wanted to strangle or hug him for his unwavering generosity. In the end she just decided to feed him, and they both got slightly buzzed from a couple of bottles of wine before he kissed her lightly on the cheek and walked back to the house. It was a little after 11.

He pulled his cell out of his pocket and called Justin.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You sound tired."

"You got that from hey?"

"I know everything remember?"

"I remember lots of things."

"How was dinner with Ted and Blake?"

"Blake has a personality, did you know that?"

"Yeah, found out last night, shocked the hell out of me."

Justin laughed, "Me too, but he's funny."

"His client stories are great."

"Have I mentioned how much I am not looking forward to tomorrow?"

"You and Daphne, sounds like fun."

"I'm too tired to keep up with her."

"Someone's getting old." Brian singsonged.

"I'm not getting old, but these stupid meds make me tired, and I've been working all day."

"And partying all night."

"Just last night."

"And the night before."

"We're not really having this conversation."

"No, we're not. I am not a hypocrite."

"Oh you so are, but I'm not tired because I've been dancing I'm tired because…"

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What."

"It's stupid."

"So."

"Because it's hard to sleep when you're not in the bed."

Brian laughed.

"Don't laugh at me."

"I'm not laughing at you sunshine, I'm just glad you didn't get to used to me not being around."

"I hate it when you're not around."

"I know the feeling."

"What are you wearing?"

Brian smiled widely, "nothing."

"Mmmmmm, that's too bad."

"Why's that?" Justin could hear him smirking.

"Because I was gonna take your clothes off with my teeth, but you're already naked."

"I can put them back on."

"No don't bother, I'm too tired to do much anyway, I'd probably have fallen asleep after your third button."

"I'm not wearing a button down."

"I thought you weren't wearing anything."

"Yeah, that too. What are you wearing?"

"Just my white underwear, I'm in bed, tired."

"You take your meds?"

"You know I did, they make me groggy."

"You drink anything tonight?"

"Some pretentious microbrew beer."

"That all?"

"And one tiny tiny tiny bottle of gin."

"Tell me you didn't take your meds with a mini bar bottle of gin."

"I thought you told me not to lie to you."

Brian sighed, "Someday you'll go a whole day without making me worry."

"Someday you'll stop worrying about things that don't matter."

"You matter."

"I love you Brian."

"I love that about you."

"G'night."

"Sleep well sunshine."

"Friday?"

"Friday."

"Promise?"

"Mmmmmm hmmm."

"K"

Brian closed the phone and left a message on Cynthia's voicemail.

Daphne was staying on the same sofa that Justin had slept on for months while he was in New York. She was banging on his hotel room door at ten the next morning.

He flung the door open and greeted her with a wide grin.

"You're a freak."

"You're the freak, banging loud enough to wake the dead."

"I've been knocking for ten minutes."

"I was in the shower."

He moved aside to let her in. "So what's on the agenda today?"

"Whatever you want, I'm just here to…"

"Don't tell me Deb roped you into babysitting too."

Daphne shot him a confused look, "babysitting? No, I just haven't had a chance to hang out with you in like forever."

"That's because you and Brad have spent like, every waking moment together."

"Well, yeah, he's been around a lot, but you haven't exactly been Mr. Available."

"I was working."

"Among other things."

"Hey, it's been a rough year."

Daphne rolled her eyes. "In the six years you've known Brian, which year wasn't rough?"

Justin thought about it, he almost said something and then closed his mouth again. "Brian is high maintenance."

"So are you."

"We have one of those roller coaster relationships."

"Sounds nauseating."

"It is, but what am I supposed to do, I love him."

"Duh, you told me that the day after you met him."

Justin shrugged. "He really is a great fuck."

Daphne leaned back on the bed and threw a pillow at him. "Are we going to spend yet ANOTHER day hanging out and talking about Brian or might we actually do something?"

"Lets, go, we can be tourists if you want."

"Sounds fun."

"Daph."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I forget sometimes that you've been there for like, all of it, Christ, I must be the most annoying best friend ever."

"Well, you're not always the easiest to get a hold of, but I get it. I mean, you two, and you and me, we're friends, that's what we do, I mean how many times have I made you bring me ice cream at four in the morning because some asshole called, or didn't call, or left, or wouldn't leave, it's what we do, it's how we are."

"I know but, just, thank you okay?"

"Thank you too. Now can we go do something corny before I cry?"

"Sure, Empire State Building or Statue of Liberty."

"Uggggh, suddenly touristy sounds less fun, can't we just go shopping."

Justin smiled and Daphne's smile was even wider, "I know just the place."

They were laughing and joking and generally acting like the teenagers they used to be, and drawing odd looks from some of the clientele at Barney's.

Justin bought Daphne a pair of earrings she'd been eyeing, and she bought him an outrageously expensive messenger bag to replace the ratty one he'd been carrying for years.

"Daph, you can't afford this."

"Of course I can."

"While working for practically minimum wage at the clinic?"

"Didn't I tell you, I got approved for licensure, _I'm_ a therapist."

"You're a…"

"I finally finished my Masters _and_ my supervision training. Fucking internship impoverished me but now they brought me on at the hospital as a full time clinician, so real money."

"Yeah but even hospital clinician real money…"

"Justin, how many months did you pay half the rent even though you were living with Brian."

"We weren't living together, that's why I paid you rent."

She rolled her eyes. "If you weren't living together how come I saw you like, twice a month?"

"Ummm…"

"Yeah, so let me do this for you."

"Fine, but then I'm buying you the matching necklace."

"Don't be a dork."

Justin went back to the jewelry counter, and Daphne smiled. She was just relived to see Justin so happy, and to think that she'd finally finished school. Maybe after all the drama, they could both be happy.

They continued to prattle on, finishing each other's sentences, oversharing about their love lives, and generally reminding themselves why their friendship had lasted so long while they had lunch, and continued to shop. Justin was looking for something to wear to the opening, but he wasn't too worried about it, he still had the stuff Brian had bought him on his first trip to Barney's.

Daphne was looking for something for a special occasion but she wouldn't mention what it was. Finally Justin spun her around. "Just tell me what's happening, then I can help you find the right outfit."

"I um…"

"You umm…." Justin rolled his hands trying to get her to finish her sentence.

"I ummm, think Brad's gonna propose."

Justin pulled her into a hug. Then pulled back "you _think_?"

"Well, we've talked about it, and we've kind of looked at rings, and then I kind of got some signals, and then I um…"

"You ummm…"

"I sort of found the ring in his underwear drawer."

"Which you were rifling through because?"

"Because I thought there might be a ring in there."

Justin laughed "and you're sure it's for you?"

She pushed Justin, "who else would it be for? We've been together almost a year, and well, I think I love him."

"You _think_?"

"I love him."

"Good, so when?"

"I don't know, but I think this weekend, when I get back, he's got reservations at Papagano's and well, it seems the perfect time, and it's where we went on our first real date…"

"Two months after you'd already been fucking."

"Why date a guy if he's gonna be lousy in bed?"

"And I'm the freak."

"Can we just accept we're both freaks?"

"Sure, so lets find you something dazzling."

Daphne smiled and followed Justin who helped her find the perfect outfit for the upcoming occasion.

When he dropped her off back at her friends house he was sad to say goodbye, but they'd both be back in Pittsburgh by the end of the month. He stayed for a little while with his old roommates, had a beer or two, and was going to head back to the hotel when they invited him out to the club with them.

He had turned them down so many times before but tonight it sounded like fun. They were surprised when he said yes. Daphne was invited as well, but she begged off, claiming to have a headache. Justin knew that Daphne was a great fag hag in almost every aspect, but she HATED to watch him club. She hated to watch him with anyone but Brian. He loved Daph, and never minded the quirk. He found it cute that she was bothered far more by the tricking than either Brian or Justin. He kissed her on the cheek and left with the guys.

The club was packed, and Justin, as usual lost himself to the beat. He ordered a shot and a beer, and then another shot. When Paul, one of his old roommates offered him a bump he took it.

"Shit that's strong."

"My own special trail mix."

Justin was feeling good, the four of them danced together until Joe and Raymond found other guys to disappear with. He and Paul were dancing when Justin felt a strong arm at his waist. He spun to see who was invading his space and smiled, the guy was not too tall, probably about 5' 11" with light brown hair and gray eyes. He was a good dancer too. When they spun again Paul was off with someone else and Justin continued to dance with gray eyes. They were moving against each other, enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed together when he felt a taller presence against his back.

Justin continued to move, gracefully backing away a bit to see what this one looked like. He was hotter than gray eyes. Olive skin, broad chest, strong hands, Black hair and tall. He was definitely Brian's type Justin thought as he let himself be sandwiched between the two.

Paul joined them again after a couple of songs and offered Justin another bump. He took it gratefully and then headed back to the bar for a drink. Grey eyes and Olive Skin followed him. They each bought a round, and after the three shots, and another beer Justin whispered leaned in to lick Olive Skin's ear, "Wanna come back to my hotel?"

Olive skin nodded and Grey eyes looked disappointed until Justin smiled his patented sunshine smile, "Don't worry, I'm not leaving you here alone", and he pulled Gray eyes by the waistband as Olive skin followed the two out of the club.

"Fuck" Paul said to Raymond, I thought he was…

"Yeah," Raymond said, I didn't peg him as that good.

"But he is"

"Apparently."

The two went back to dancing.

"Either of you have a car?"

Gray eyes and Olive skin shook their heads. Justin hailed a cab.

When all three were in the back Justin gave the address and leaned back as the four hands of the other men began to stroke him. He stroked back, and sighed softly as he felt his shirt lifted and a tongue on his nipple.

They tried to restrain themselves as they headed up to the suite but by the time the elevator was opening Grey eyes shirt was off and Olive skin was tugging at the waistband of Justin's jeans.

He opened the door and directed his guest to the bed. He pulled a few more bottles out of the mini bar and tossed them onto the bed, downing one himself.

Then he took control.

"I want you." He pointed at Grey eyes.

"You." He gestured to Olive skin, can eat my ass while I'm fucking him.

They were both naked now and Justin pulled out a condom and some lube, he was shoving his fingers into Grey eyes, watching as his ass pushed back on his hand, making him even harder, and as he moved himself towards the man kneeling on the bed he felt hands on his ass cheeks, and a tongue along his crack. He moaned and pushed himself into the willing ass on the bed, burying himself to the hilt.

He heard the moans the man was making, he leaned forward, and pushed the tricks head down with his hands, while pumping into him with long and slow strokes.

He felt a lubed finger in his ass, and pushed back against it while he fucked the other man. The guy was tight, good, and squeezing his ass around Justin's dick. He felt another finger in his ass and was pumping back on the fingers and then into the ass in front of him. He kept his rhythm moving faster and harder as the fingers found his prostate and started to wriggle against it. He moaned louder, and let out a yell as he came.

Sweaty he lay back on the bed.

"Suck him off." Justin ordered olive skin, motioning towards Gray eyes. And as the man crawled across the bed to do just that Justin watched the action.

Grey eyes was on his knees, his mouth licking at Justin's neck and nipples, his hands stroking his thighs. Olive skin was on his back, sucking Gray eyes off, letting him fuck his mouth.

When Justin was hard again he got up from the bed and pushed his re-sheathed cock into Olive skin, resting the mans long dark legs on his pale shoulders, grabbing and fisting the guys thick cock at the same time.

A few seconds later Brian walked in.

Both men stopped moving when they saw a new player enter the suite.

Brian had decided to cancel any Friday meetings he had and take a late flight Thursday night instead. He figured he'd surprise Justin. By the time he got out of the airport and caught a cab it was well after midnight. It was almost one when he finally got to the hotel. Cynthia had called ahead, so the concierge had the key ready for him. He hoped Justin wasn't asleep.

He wasn't.

When Brian walked in he was a little surprised, but then he was just fucking hard. Christ the kid looked hot, fucking that guy, the dark legs on his shoulder, his head thrown back.

The two men stopped when they saw him enter. He closed the door behind him.

"Hi honey I'm home."

Justin smiled "You're early."

"Looks to me like I'm right on time."

The men began to move again when they realized they were not in the middle of a domestic dispute.

Brian pulled off his sweater and kicked off his shoes. He dropped his jeans and the men were more than happy to let the gorgeous new player onto the field.

Brian stood behind Justin, his arms around his waist. Justin leaned his head back to kiss Brian, while continuing to thrust into Olive skin. "He's hot." Brian whispered in his ear.

"You're hotter." Justin said.

"Still mine?"

Justin gave him a look that told him everything, and within moments Brian slid a condom on and was buried deep inside Justin, who was now moaning more loudly.

"Fuck me Brian." He said as Brian pushed into him while he pushed into Olive skin. Brian was setting the pace now, and soon Grey eyes came, his head thrown back, his mouth open. He moved out from beneath Olive skin and began to use his mouth and his hands again. He was kneeling over the man Justin was fucking and licking at Justin's nipples, tugging at them with his teeth, taking small nips and long licks and butterfly flicks of his tongue along his chest and around his pink and hard nipples. He leaned up to kiss the him but the blonde leaned his head away, offering his neck as he kissed the really hot hazel eyed guy behind him.

Justin was on overload. His tongue and Brian's swirling together. His cock thrusting into the hot guy who was making small mewling sounds in the back of his throat. The feather light and then pinching nips of a hot mouth across his chest and belly. His ass burning and full, Brian moving inside him expertly. He came moments later, shooting hard. He would have fallen if Brian hadn't held him upright. Strong arms wrapped around his waist, Brian's hard chest to lean back on.

Justin pulled out, and Brian pushed into him again. Justin was on top of Olive skin now, His mouth finding neck, nipples, chest, to lick and suck as Brian fucked him harder. Justin was pushing his cock against the man under him. They rubbed themselves together until he felt him come. The sticky warm fluid making them slide against each other while Brian continued his assault until Justin felt himself about to come again.

"Close Brian."

"I'll get you there sonny-boy"

And that did it. Justin came again, his ass squeezing against Brian until he could hold back no longer and he came as well, feeling Justin's anal walls milking him. He groaned loudly as his head fell back.

Wet, sticky, naked, both Brian and Justin lay on the bed, kissing each other, and letting the other two move their mouths along their prone bodies.

"You're not supposed to be here 'til tomorrow."

"Yeah, but then I would have missed all this."

"Bullshit you missed me."

"Well, you apparently weren't missing me."

"Please, it took two of them to even come close to satisfying me, you can do it in five minutes without taking your clothes off."

Brian raised an eyebrow, "really?"

Justin let out a hiss as Gray eyes licked along his thigh and lathed his balls. "Mmmmmm really."

Brian smiled again, leaning over to kiss Justin deeply, allowing Olive skin to rim him.

The two of them lay, tangled in each other, murmuring to one another, while the other two men worked them back to full arousal.

"Want you inside me again." Justin whispered.

"With an audience?"

"Don't fucking care." Justin almost growled with need.

Brian took it upon himself to dismiss the tricks. "We're done now, you guys can go."

They looked at each other, and the couple intimately entwined on the bed and grabbed their clothes quickly.

When they were gone Brian lay fully on top of Justin, stroking the blonde bangs off of his sweaty forehead. "You are so fucking hot."

Justin smiled, "You are beautiful. Now fuck me."

"See what I mean about bossy bottoms?"

"Brian." It was almost a whine, as he wrapped his pale legs around Brian's waist, thrusting his erection against Brian's body. Please.

Brian needed to hear more, the kid had already come at least three times tonight, but he wanted to make him desperate again. He smiled and moved his mouth down Justin's body, blowing hot kisses against his chest, licking lightly at the head of his cock, sucking his balls, gently rolling one around on his tongue, and then the other. He felt Justin's breathing become more rapid. He felt his own desire increase.

He moved his body up again, rubbing their erections against each other, slowly, almost languidly, until Justin was beyond need.

"Now Brian, NOW!"

Brian smiled, and grabbed a condom, he pushed into Justin, folding him in half, watching his blue eyes turn darker, and glaze over with pleasure. He was on his knees now and he lifted Justin's body, his small feet hitting the headboard, his shoulders the only thing on the bed and he slammed into him, hard.

Justin's scream was probably heard throughout the entire hotel as he did it again.

Justin had wanted Brian, needed him, and now, all the blood was rushing to his head, his body felt like it was freefalling, it's only connection to the earth was Brian inside him, and then he pulled out and slammed back in, hard, hitting the sweet spot with agonizingly beautiful force. He cried out Brian's name, again and again and when he finally came, Brian was right behind him.

The two of them lay on the bed, drenched with sweat, and come. The room smelled like sex, and lust and them. And they slept like that, entangled both sleeping better in their naked wet and sticky condition than they had since Justin left for New York less than a week ago.

Chapter 36

After they woke up and showered Brian and Justin debated, room service or going out. They decided on room service and were half naked and breathless by the time the food arrived.

Brian pulled his jeans back up and let the guy in; Justin remained in bed, a sheet draped over him for privacy.

Once the guy left, Brian went back to what he was doing, but Justin had lost focus. He was reaching for a bagel.

"Brian, I'm hungry."

"Me too." Brian whispered as he licked at Justin's inner thigh.

Justin moaned, and Brian looked up to see him licking cream cheese off of his fingers. He rolled onto his back, pretending to pout. "I was doing some of my best work, and all you can think about is a bagel."

"You get mad at me when I don't eat."

"Yeah, but I get mad at you when you don't let me blow you too."

"But you can blow me later, by then the bagel will be cold."

Brian sighed, "Hand me an orange, I can't argue with logic like that on an empty stomach."

Justin tossed the fruit to him, and continued to eat while making sounds that drove Brian insane. When Justin finally finished Brian pounced on him, licking the small remnant of cream cheese off of the corner of the blonde's mouth.

"I missed you."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Mmmmmm, that feels good."

"You still hungry?"

Justin shook his head, "Want you now."

Brian smiled and worked down Justin's neck, kissing each sensitive spot with studied patience.

"Brian, just fuck me."

"Oh, I will, but you're going to have to wait."

Justin lay his head back, feeling Brian's mouth move down his body, while his hands were running up and down his back, making his pale torso arch into Brian's mouth.

"Brian…"

"You're gonna have to wait." Brian repeated.

"You're punishing me because I wanted a bagel?"

"Is this punishment really sooo bad?" Brian asked as he nipped at a sensitive spot on Justin's inner thigh.

"It is when I want you inside me."

Brian moved even more slowly. "Open up for me Justin" he said quietly, as he pushed the pale thighs further apart. Justin followed Brian's directions, only to be disappointed when he felt the long lean body move further down on the bed. He moaned when Brian took his balls into his mouth, sucking and letting them fall out with a gentle scrape of his teeth. Justin hissed at the cool feeling against his wet sac, "Brian."

"Patience sunshine."

Justin was wet now, his cock dripping precum onto his stomach, his body spread open, his hips thrusting into nothing as Brian sat back on his haunches between Justin's knees, watching him writhe.

"I want you on your knees."

Justin scrambled into position, ready for Brian, more than ready, desperate. But Brian continued to move slowly, and was determined to have Justin a quivering mass of need. "Spread yourself open for me."

Justin wanted to protest; it was so… he dropped his face into the pillow as he moved his hands back to his ass, pulling his cheeks apart.

"God you're hot like this. Open and ready. You are such a little slut sometimes."

Justin moaned at the words. His face turned red at the image of himself so wantonly submissive.

"I want you to lube your ass for me." Brian said, and smiled as he watched Justin's hole pucker at the sound of his voice. Brian took a small dab of lube, removed one of Justin's hands from his ass and transferred it to the artist's fingers. "Do it."

Justin wanted to cry, but more than that he wanted Brian inside him. He moved his fingers, pushing them inside himself, riding his own hand, as he shoved a third finger inside. He almost forgot about Brian as he pumped back on his own hand until he heard Brian's harsh command. "Stop it."

He removed his hand quickly, and wiped his fingers off on the sheet.

"Open up again."

Justin did as he was told, Brian moved closer, and Justin readied himself but he wasn't going to get what he wanted quite yet.

He felt the hard lean body over his, he moved his hands, and Brian pulled them over his head, holding them both there, entwining their fingers. His hard cock was at the crack of Justin's ass, but he refused to push it any further. Eventually he slid it down, sheathed and slicked with some of the lube Justin had applied and pushed into Justin's balls. Justin moaned as he prodded lightly at them, and then slid his hard cock between Justin's legs, rubbing it up against Justin's equally hard shaft, simply sliding between his thighs.

Justin was whimpering now, he was trapped. The weight of Brian's body, and the enormity of his need held him down. He tried to angle himself, to move, to do anything that would result in being allowed to come but Brian stroked his cock slowly with his own. He'd do it a few times and then stop. Leaning in, whispering into Justin's ear.

"You want me to fuck you don't you? You want me to push into you hard, until I'm buried inside you, that's what you like right?"

Justin tried to answer but could only nod.

"You want to be my little boy toy? You want me to fuck you so hard and so fast you can't think, let you jerk yourself off while I'm pounding into you?"

"Please Brian, I need it, please."

Brian loved to hear Justin's husky pleadings, to hear his blatant desire. He loved how embarrassed Justin still got on occasion from his own need, his own actions.

"Are you my little boy slut?"

"Yes."

"What should I do with a little slut like you?"

"Fuck me."

"Like this?"

Brian pushed himself into Justin, and pulled completely back out quickly. "Do you want that again?"

"Yes, please."

"Tell me."

"I want you inside me, I want you to ride me."

Brian pushed in again, slowly this time. Justin moaned and whimpered, trying to control the pace, but Brian was running this show.

"Ready?"

"Yes, god, Brian, fuck, Brian, fuck…"

Brian began in earnest, moving slowly at first, teasingly slowly, and then finally speeding up the pace while Justin lost all coherent thought.

Justin felt Brian finally stop playing and tried to think to speak, but he could only feel. "Fuck me, Brian fuck, god, fuck, Brian, god, fuck, harder, fuck."

There were very few words left in his vocabulary.

When he was about to come he reached his hand down to stroke himself, he tried to do it slowly, hoping Brian wouldn't notice, was too far gone himself to care, but he heard the growl. "No."

He felt his hand swatted away, and the hand that was pinching at his nipples and stroking his back was now trapping his hand above his head again. "Come while I'm fucking you or don't come at all. Gonna fuck the come right out of you." Brian said, pounding harder, changing his angle so that he was hitting Justin's prostate on every stroke.

The high-pitched yelps of pleasure Justin was making drove Brian over the edge. He slammed into the boy hard and felt him shoot. Brian came at the same time, his body convulsing over Justin's. He released Justin's hand to stroke his belly. His strong fingers coming away wet with Justin's seed. He held it to Justin's face, and felt his pink tongue lap at it.

They stayed like that while their heart rates slowed and breathing returned to normal. Justin licking at Brian's fingers, taking them into his mouth and sucking them, Brian's body resting against Justin's. Justin still on his knees, his legs spread wide. Reluctantly Brian pulled out of him, taking off the condom and rolling onto his back.

Justin lay his body on top of Brian's. Pushing against his hard thighs with his own until Brian opened his legs a little and Justin fit himself between them, his head resting just below Brian's, a strong arm around his back, pulling him closer.

"That was amazing."

"You're fucking hot. Christ I can't get enough of you."

"I know." Justin smiled against Brian's chest.

"You're pretty sure of yourself."

"You're addicted to me."

Brian snorted. "Addicted?"

Justin looked up at him, "Yeah, I read all about it."

"Really?" Brian lay his head back ready to be regaled with one of Justin's little monologues. The kid got positively profound, or at least thought he did.

Justin moved up Brian's body a little, brushing the brown hair away from his sweaty forehead. "Yeah, when you fall in love with someone your brain lets out chemicals that are like a drug."

"So love is just an addiction?"

"Kind of. The effects last like 18 months. It's a breeder thing."

"Breeder thing?"

"Yeah, if you live in like caves or whatever, you knock some cave woman up, and feel all protective and possessive of her long enough so that everyone knows who the father is and she's safe like, through the pregnancy, and while the baby keeps her unable to protect herself. Then it wears off and they both move on."

"So love really is bullshit."

"No, but it's a chemical reaction and like a biological imperative, the thing is, once it wears off, sometimes there are other reasons to stay together."

"Like for the children?"

Justin pushed at Brian's shoulder "No, because you LIKE each other, and then you know, you can love them intellectually, not chemically."

"Hmmm."

"It explains why you try to break up with me once a year or so."

Brian looked up surprised now. "What the fuck does breeder love have to do with you and me?"

"Brian it's not just breeders who are affected by the chemicals. And then they wear off, and since you decided a long time ago that there's no such thing as love, once the addiction is over, you ignore the intellectual part and push me away."

"But you go."

"Yeah, apparently I'm not immune to the stupid chemical addiction either."

"But we're together now."

"Because, once the drug wears off we jones for it, and then you know, something happens, and we're back together, and the cycle continues."

"So, we're doomed to break up every year or so?"

"NO!"

"Ouch."

"Sorry, didn't mean to hit you so hard. But I'm telling you this so you can stop being so stupid about it."

"I'm stupid about it? You're the one who always leaves." Brian exhaled the smoke and handed the cigarette to Justin who took the opportunity to compose his thoughts a little further.

"Yeah, you're stupid about it. So was I, but I'm not gonna be stupid anymore."

"Me either."

"Promise?"

"Sure, but what you said means we SHOULD break up. kick the habit so that it feels so good when you come back to it."

"Fine, we'll take separate vacations every other year. Two weeks away from each other."

Brian put out his cigarette and wrapped his arms around Justin. "We can skip that part, I think I've lost my ability to become immune to you."

Justin settled against Brian's chest. "I hope so."

Three hours later they finally left the room. "I can't believe you bought tickets for a show."

"You said you wanted to see Wicked."

"You said you didn't."

"Yeah, and we always do what I want."

Justin stuck his tongue out at Brian. " We've got a few hours before the show starts, where are we going?'

"Well, I was thinking about checking out the new spring line at Barney's."

Justin smiled widely. "Did you call Alphonse?"

Brian smirked, "Maybe."

They spent the next several hours restocking their closets and picking out a few Christmas gifts for friends and family.

"I liked it."

"It was alright."

Justin smiled; Brian had liked the show too. And they had actually made it to the restaurant in time to honor their reservations, which, considering their activities in the theatre bathroom was quite a feat.

"You're not eating."

"Teaser show tomorrow."

Brian closed his eyes.

"Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad."

"Brian, you KNOW I can't eat this close to a show."

"You've only put on half of the weight the doctor wanted you to."

Justin sighed. "It's been such a good day."

"Yeah, why spoil it by making sure you're healthy."

Justin gritted his teeth, "I'm healthy. I'd tell you if I weren't."

"I guess you're right."

"So when does the cast come off?"

"Next week, by the time I come back here, I'll be cast free."

"That's good, I miss your hand."

"You're changing the subject."

"Yes, I am."

"Fine, new topic. I called the contractors; they're going to start the addition in March or April. They can't start now, too much snow, too many delays."

"And Lindsay's not arguing?"

"She'll argue more once I tell her, but you know… I don't see the need to hear about it all winter long. She's FINALLY stopped telling me to take the car back."

"I can't believe you bought her a car."

"She needed one, and this one is safe."

"Mmm hmmm, and what kind of car did you get?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes, I would."

"You'll see when you get home."

"I promise I'm coming home. What kind of car did you get?"

"I'll tell you, if you do something for me."

"What's that?"

"Fucking eat something."

"Wow, you nag a lot."

"Well, if I'm going to be accused of it anyway."

"Fine, look, mmmmmm, pasta."

"Astin Martin."

Justin almost choked. "What?"

"I bought an Astin Martin, it's blue, it has a back seat, and it's hot. Trust me, plenty of space to fuck."

"Brian, that's, I mean, um…. wow."

"It's a hot car."

"Well, it's better than the 'vette. And I liked the one you were looking at online."

"Yeah, I know. But you're not allowed to drive it. You're too used to your big orange box."

"I like my car."

The waiter came and asked if they wanted dessert. Brian looked over at Justin and noticed that his eyes were barely open. "No we'll just take the check."

"Ready to head to bed sunshine?"

Justin smiled. "I'm tired."

"I noticed."

"I'm sorry."

"What the fuck are you apologizing for?"

" I know you wanted to fuck me."

"Yeah well, you'll owe me one."

"Can I just deduct it from the 99 you owe me?"

"I owe you 99?"

"Yeah, from the nagging thing, with the accident."

"Oh right, okay so now I owe you 98?"

"I'll collect in the morning."

They were walking towards the hotel. "All 98?"

"Yeah, so you better get some sleep too."

They both laughed as Brian slung his arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer.

"Good thing I'm still an addict."

Justin was half asleep on the bed within minutes of entering the room.

"Where are your meds, I'll get them for you."

"In my suitcase."

Brian grumbled about little blonde twinks who don't unpack while he searched through the suitcase.

Too late Justin realized what he'd just done. He sat up quickly.

Brian pushed aside socks and underwear. He found the zippered compartment and opened it to remove the bottles; he dropped them quickly when he saw what else was in there.

Justin was about to get up, stop Brian from searching, get the pills himself when he saw Brian recoil from the suitcase. "Fuck."

"It's not what you think."

Brian sat on the bed, the offending item wrapped around his hand. "Since I have no idea what to think why don't you tell me what it is."

"It's just, you know, something I've kept, like a security blanket."

Brian closed his eyes and tried to fathom how a bloody silk scarf could bring any sense of security. "Security blanket." He looked at Justin.

"I've had it since…"

"Since you took it off of me."

Justin nodded.

"I looked for it the next day, it was gone."

"I took it."

"Why?"

"Because I knew you'd throw it out."

"But you wanted to keep it? A warm reminder of a wonderful evening?"

Justin moved closer to Brian, no longer tired. He rested his head on Brian's shoulder, leaning against him. "All that time I was in the hospital, I kept expecting you to come see me."

"But I didn't."

"I know, but I also knew what no one else seemed to understand. Hobbes hurt you too. Maybe as much as he hurt me."

"I didn't get hit with a bat."

"No, but…"

"But…?"

"You came to the prom, something very unlike you. You were… open, maybe even ready to accept my love for you, and then Hobbes. It changed you, or kept you from changing. It affected you."

"Doesn't explain why you have this." Brian held out the scarf, his face making his disgust for the object clear.

"When I found you again, you were so… broken."

"I was fine." Brian shrugged away from Justin, moving to the chair on the other side of the room."

"You're not allowed to use that word, and no you weren't. But then, when my mom asked you to take me, you were so…strong."

Brian was leaning back, drinking something from the mini-bar and smoking. He was staring at the ceiling, refusing to meet Justin's eyes.

"You were strong for me, but I knew you were still so broken. I didn't think you'd ever be able to love me, or let me love you after that. And then…" Justin took a deep breath, knowing Brian was confused, and probably a little angry at being called broken.

"And then Gus's birthday party. It all came flooding back. Your face at the dance. The way you held me. The way you kissed me. How amazing you looked. The panic in your face right before the bat hit."

He saw Brian flinch. "And then I saw the scarf. You never stopped loving me. It's how I knew we'd make it."

"It wasn't because I loved you."

Justin stared at Brian, confused and a little hurt.

"I didn't want to forget and let it happen again, let something I care about get destroyed. I wore it to remind myself what happens when you let yourself care."

"Bullshit."

Brian looked at Justin. "You don't believe me?"

"No."

He shrugged. "It was superstition. I didn't let go of the scarf the whole time you were in the ICU when we didn't know if you'd live or die. Then they said you were out of the woods. That you'd either wake up from the coma, or not, but that you wouldn't die tonight. They made me go home."

"They?"

"Michael, your mother, Debbie, Lindsay, everyone, told me to get some rest, sleep." Brian made a sound, half scoff half laugh. "Sleep. Like that was gonna happen. So I got back to the loft, and I laid down, and I tried but I couldn't let go of that fucking thing." He gestured toward the pooling silk on the bed.

"I couldn't let it go, if I did, something would happen. So I wore it, every day, to make sure nothing did."

"The same reason you came every night."

"I guess so. But it wasn't love, it was guilt."

"This wasn't your fault."

Brian nodded.

"You know, I've seen you nod at that statement a couple of hundred times over the years. Have you ever believed it?"

"Sure, not my fault, I can't control what Chris Hobbes did."

"And it wasn't because we danced together. He hated me because I jerked him off. I personified everything he was afraid he'd become."

Brian nodded again.

"And it had nothing to do with you."

Brian nodded.

"Say that it wasn't your fault."

"I just did."

"No, you nodded, accepting that I have a right to my own opinion. Tell me what you think happened."

"I felt old and sorry for myself because New York didn't want me, so I turned to the one thing I knew wanted me more than anything else in the world. I didn't give a flying fuck what was good for you, what the consequences might be. I wanted you, went to you, and you got hit in the head with a bat."

"You really think the whole world revolves around you."

Brian stared at the ceiling.

"Brian, you can't make this your fault. You came to me because I asked you to, and you wanted to make me happy. It made you happy too, and you didn't want to admit that part. You still don't sometimes. You say it was selfish. It's all I wanted. It's still all I want, for you to come to me at the end of the day. And you can tell me anything you want but this scarf is tangible proof that you didn't forget about me while I was in the hospital. That while every trick in the backrooms of Babylon and at the baths got to suck you, get fucked by you, they never got to see you, or be loved by you. That was just for me."

"That's a very verbal scarf."

"It has to be, it's got a very taciturn owner."

"It's not mine anymore, I don't want it."

"I'll get rid of it if you don't want it here. But I like to have it when you're not around, it reminds me of something important."

"How is it we've lived together and I've never seen it?"

"I have lots of secret hiding places."

"You can keep the scarf, but I don't want to see it."

"I don't really need it anymore. I know that you love me now."

"Then why is it here?"

"So I wouldn't forget. We do that. We forget."

"Keep the scarf, I don't want you to forget. But promise me that's what this is about. It's not some sick obsession with Hobbes or the bashing?"

"It's not. I've talked to Dr. Blackstone about that stuff, he says I'm very well adjusted considering."

"Yeah well, you're not running around with loaded guns anymore."

"That was a part of the healing process."

Brian sighed. "I'll never understand you."

"It's enough that you try."

Brian moved towards the bed, pulling Justin into an embrace.

"And Brian, promise me something?'

"What?"

"if I'm ever in the hospital again, you'll come and see me during visiting hours?"

Brian pulled Justin a little tighter. "Don't end up in the hospital again."

"But if I do?"

"Visiting hours, I promise."

"I'm not all that tired anymore."

"Really?"

Justin was removing Brian's shirt. They moved together slowly, almost languidly, neither in any hurry to reach the destination tonight was about the journey.

When Brian rolled over Justin quickly tossed the scarf off of the bed. He'd have to remember to get up early to pack it away again. He didn't want to get rid of it, but he understood why Brian might not have the same feelings about the silk accessory.

Chapter 37

He wanted to tell him to stop pacing. He wanted to tell him to stop biting his thumbnail and staring off into space. He wanted to tell him to eat something. He said nothing. It was the day of a show. All bets were off the day of a show, there was no point in even trying.

Justin sat down, bouncing his knee and flipping through channels, biting his nails. Five minutes later he was up and pacing again.

"Jesus Christ. You know it's gonna be fine, what's with the fidgeting?"

Justin looked up surprised, as if he'd forgotten Brian was in the room. "What?"

"C'mere."

Justin walked towards him. "What?"

Brian was sitting in the chair by the mini-bar. He pulled Justin down onto his lap. "Calm the fuck down." He whispered into his ear, licking at the spot behind it.

"Brian stop, I can't calm down. You know that."

He sighed, he did know that. He shook his head, pulling Justin a little tighter. "You're driving me, and yourself insane. Most importantly you're seriously driving me insane."

"Go out. Go shopping, go home, whatever."

"I'm not leaving."

"Then shut up, I'm allowed to be nervous."

"We've done this before, it's not so hard, it's not THE show… you'll be fine."

"I know, it's just…"

"What? What do you think's gonna happen?"

Justin leaned back against Brian. "I have no idea. It just won't be good."

"And what if it is?"

"Justin smiled. Even if it's good it'll be bad, cause then they're gonna ask me to do another show, and I'll have to create a bunch more paintings and…"

"So if it's bad, it's bad, and if it's good, that's bad too?"

"Yeah."

"Christ you're insane."

"I thought you liked that about me."

"I do, but you get so bratty when you're anxious."

"I'm not being a brat."

"Yeah you are, but it's okay. Let's go out. Kill some time."

Justin wrinkled his nose. "Can't I just stay here and pace some more?"

"Is that really what you want to do?"

"No I want to go home."

"Well, you're still here, at least for another week."

"At least? I'm leaving the minute the show's over."

Brian laughed, "You don't even want to come back to the hotel and get your stuff?"

"NO!"

"Okay, fine, we'll leave the moment the show's over next Saturday."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Justin closed his eyes, relaxing against Brian, cracking his knuckles. Brian ground his teeth against the sound but Justin was almost still except for the obsessive knuckle cracking. He'd take it. He took Justin's hand and massaged it to stop the sound, and calm him more. The two sat in silence just enjoying being close to one another.

Brian's hand idly roamed under Justin's shirt, stroking his stomach. Justin leaned his head back trying to lose himself in the feel of Brian. He knew he was trying to help him. It wasn't working. Five minutes later he bounded off of his lap.

"I'm going out. I'll be back in an hour."

"Want Company?"

"Not really…I just need to clear my head."

Brian shrugged. "See you soon."

He was opening his laptop when Justin looked back before closing the door behind him. Justin walked the streets quickly. It was cold. His hands were shoved deep into his jacket pockets, but his face was left bright red from the wind. He could see his breath in front of him. He wasn't really sure where he was going; he just needed to be out.

Twenty minutes later he was standing in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He paid and entered. It was quiet. No school trips on Saturdays, no little kids running around. Just true art fans and tourists.

He walked reverently past some of the most famous pieces in the world. Each one made him feels worse. He was a fake, a failure. Why did he bother to paint, to try to create when there were people who could do this? He sat in front of one of his favorite pieces and stared turning his head, his hand sketching it invisibly against his jeans. This was art. The crap hanging in Ranston's gallery was hotel paintings made for people to hang over their sofa. He stood up and moved on; angry with himself for thinking he could become an artist. He should have gone to Dartmouth. Failing at business just means you made a mistake. Failing at being an artist means you're a no talent hack. That's what he'd have to accept. He had no talent.

He walked further into the exhibits. There was a new one, A HREF"http/ Van Gogh, /A the drawings.

He stood, rapt. He'd seen them in books before but here they were. He stepped closer, examining each one in detail…some of them were amazing but more importantly. Some of them sucked.

They were stiff and the scale was off. Sure the man had been insane, and also a great artist, but look, he was also sometimes a bit of a hack. This shouldn't make him feel better. He knew that. But it did. The lines were crooked. The colors didn't always work. Not everything the man did was phenomenal, or even good. Justin exhaled, his hand reached out to touch a particularly flawed example, and he pulled it back before alarms went off. He smiled.

He spent another hour in the exhibit and would have spent longer but his phone was buzzing.

"What?"

"Where the fuck are you?"

"At the Met."

"You went to the opera?"

"The museum dork."

"Oh, what are you doing there."

"Seeing what real art looks like."

Brian closed his eyes. He'd seen Justin do this before too. Drive himself nuts over the accomplishments and talent of artists. Convince himself he'd never make it. "You are a real artist."

"I know…did you know Van Gogh sucked sometimes?"

"I'm sure he did."

"I mean phenomenally. Christ Brian some of this shit isn't worth the paper he scribbled it on."

"And yet there it is, at the Met."

"There's hope for me yet."

"That's what I've always said."

"No it isn't."

"Yeah well I meant to."

"Shut up."

"Are you heading back?"

"Yeah I'm on my way now."

"Should I order something for dinner?"

"Don't start."

"Right, show day, wouldn't want to have strength for that."

"I have strength for lots of things."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

"Like what?"

"I'll tell you when I get back, not when I'm standing in a very reverberating lobby of a museum."

Brian snorted. "When did you get shy?"

"I'm not shy, I just have some respect for my surroundings."

"Whatever, I'll see you soon."

"K"

Brian hung up and logged on to the Met's site to see if he could find the exhibit Justin had been looking at. He had to admit to himself he was relieved. Justin had found a way to pull himself out of his bad mood and anxiety. He pushed down the ridiculous thought that Justin didn't need him anymore and concentrated on the fact that the kid was right, some of those drawings were for shit.

He couldn't really concentrate on anything once Justin returned to the room. His arms were too full of horny blonde.

Hours later they showered dressed and headed off for the show. Justin was still jumpy and nervous, but far less so than he'd been that afternoon. Brian thought he might actually be able to get him to eat something after the show.

Brian was wrong. After the show the best he could do was get Justin to drink something. And that wasn't what he was aiming for but Justin was in rare form. Angry. Apparently one of the very wealthy patrons had requested a version of a piece redone in a different color scheme to blend better with her office décor. Ranston only barely managed to steer Justin away from the woman before he said something brutally honest and painfully expensive to her. Justin hadn't stopped seething all night. White wine wasn't getting him where he needed to go. He searched Brian's pockets for a joint and disappeared for fifteen minutes. When he returned he was more mellow…but it didn't last long.

Finally they left. Justin was walking and ranting, his hands flying over his head as he continued his diatribe. He didn't even head to the elevator but straight to the bar when the got to the hotel. An hour later he was very very drunk, and loud, and still angry.

"Fucking Bitch!"

Other bar patrons turned their head. Brian just smirked; he wasn't going to stop Justin when he was on a roll. His anger seemed healthy. His pain management reasonable and hell, it's not like making a scene in a bar was new territory for either of them.

"She had no right to ask that." He commiserated once again.

"Goddamned motherfucking right she didn't. I fucking open my veins to create something brilliant and she wants it in something more sooooooooothing." He drew out the last word. "Fuck soothing. Fuck her, fuck everyone." Justin slammed back another shot.

"Why don't we head upstairs?"

"Fuck you."

Brian shrugged and gestured to the bartender to refill Justin's glass. "Sooooooooothing." Justin said again snorting. "Why the fuck would a painting called pain management #12 be done in sooooooooothing colors? What the fuck are sooooothing colors anyway? Who the fuck cares if that bitch is sooooooothed by my work. Soooooooth is a funny word. If you say it long enough it doesn't mean anything anymore. Soothe soothe soothe soothe soothe. See, meaningless."

"Mmmmmm hmmm."

"You know what would be soothing?'

"What?"

"If you fucked me."

"I can do that…you want to do it here, or should I take you upstairs first?"

Justin looked around the bar, seemingly considering his options. "I think we should go upstairs first." He glanced over at the bartender who was looking at them both appreciatively. "Wanna come?" he wiggled his eyebrows drunkenly at the guy. His eyes shot up and he glanced over at Brian who was obviously the more sober of the two. Brian just shook his head. Justin was too drunk, he wasn't even sure the kid was gonna make it upstairs; bringing someone else into the mix tonight was a bad idea. "Maybe tomorrow." he said as he signed the check and helped Justin down from the bar stool, taking most of his weight. He was staggering a little as Brian helped him to the elevator. The whole time they walked through the lobby he kept mumbling the word "soothing."

He was leaning against Brian's chest, mumbling it into the space between his pecks as his fingers fumbled drunkenly with the buttons on Brian's shirt. "Sooooooooothing." Brian leaned against the wall, his arms wrapped lightly around Justin, as much to offer comfort and support as to be ready to catch him if he passed out and fell.

"Fucking bitch wants to be soooothed. I'll show her soothing." Justin mumbled as his mouth followed his fingers and traced along the lines of Brian's pecks. Moving up a little and flicking at his nipples. Then biting hard.

"Hey!"

"What? Wasn't that soothing?"

Brian smirked and ran a hand through Justin's hair. He was sweaty. "Wow you're really worked up."

"I've been trying to do the same to you."

Justin leaned his entire body into Brian's. His sticky heat radiating off of him. "Christ sunshine, I think you're sick."

"What? I'm not sick, I'm just not soooothing."

"Mmmmmm hmmmm." Brian kissed Justin's forehead and then realized that he just didn't have the mommy gene, he had no way of knowing if that was, lots of alcohol and anger, or an infection. "You take anything tonight other than my joint?"

Justin shook his head. "Stop worrying and start soothing me." He pulled Brian's hand away from his face and moved it lower on his body.

They kissed, their hands roaming, until the subtle bing of the elevator announced their arrival at the top floor.

Brian was leaning against the door when Justin looked up at him. "Brian?"

His voice was suddenly not angry, or sultry. It was plaintive. And the red flush that his skin had taken on was now a sickly pallor. Brian opened the door quickly and steered him to the bathroom just in time.

The most soothing thing either of them experienced that night was cool washcloths, the feel off tile against a flushed face, and the promise that next time Brian would stop him on his ninth shot.

By morning they were both exhausted, and sore. A night on a tiled bathroom floor is rarely relaxing.

Brian filled the tub and roused Justin enough that he'd be able to keep his head up and now drown. They sat quietly. "I shouldn't drink on an empty stomach."

Brian nodded.

"I shouldn't drink shots of whiskey straight."

Brian nodded again.

"That woman was right, soothing colors are important."

Brian shook his head. "You had a right to be mad, and fuck, I'm not the one to tell you how to deal with anger, but yeah, last night was not one of your more stellar victories over emotion."

"She wanted me to change my work to match her house." Justin was getting mad again.

"Forget about her."

"She better not be at brunch today."

"Any idea who else will be there?"

"No, just some backers for some stuff 'influential art people" Justin rolled his eyes. "Deliver me from the pretentious small talk."

Brian laughed and they both went back to silence, each gathering their reserves for the brunch. Then they'd come back here and sleep and then… well Brian had to get back to KinnetiK tomorrow for a client meeting, and Justin had some major work to do for the show. But they were both attempting to think about anything else at the moment.

Showered and dressed Brian hailed a cab. Justin leaned against him once he'd given the driver the address. "Sorry about last night."

"You're not supposed to apologize."

"Yeah but I was a mess."

Brian shrugged, "you were pissed off, you got drunk. Did you learn your lesson?"

Justin grimaced. "Yeah, whiskey is NOT my drink, you'd think I'd know that by now, I'm much better with tequila or gin."

"I'll remind you of that."

"I won't listen."

"I know you won't"

When they finally reached their destination Justin plastered on his fake smile, and Brian affected a look of blank boredom and they were greeted by a short balding man with apparently more money than taste when it came to both wardrobe and home décor.

The brownstone was restored beautifully, but each curio, knick-knack and painting was… well…ugly. Justin tried to look interested as Daniel; their host gave him a tour of his most prized art pieces. He tried to look flattered that one of them was his. He wasn't, it made him want to run screaming from the room.

Brian caught the look in Justin's eye and brought him a mimosa.

Brian's interruption saved Justin from having to make yet another noncommittal comment on some ghastly thing the man was about to show him. His eyes showed his gratitude.

They moved on to the over decorated over stuffed living room done in a series of reds and browns that was making Justin's stomach roil. Introductions were made all around and the deep and important chitchat began.

Neither Brian nor Justin were paying much attention to anything being said. Mostly responding minimally when required and simply willing the hours to pass until they could leave.

Brian wasn't looking forward to leaving Justin, who had barely eaten in two days, and had seemed less than well the previous night. Justin simply wanted more alone time with Brian before he went back to Pittsburgh for the week. It didn't matter; this was part of the contractual obligation. This would put his name on the right lips. Put his work on the right walls. And that would get him to his ultimate goal. To become a hermit who never had to deal with people again. Right now he just wanted to lock himself in his studio and unlock it for Brian when he felt like it.

Brian leaned over and whispered in his ear. "You know, even after this show, you're still going to have to come out of the studio and deal with people."

Justin looked at him surprised. "How did you? I mean…"

Brian smirked. "I'll tell you later, but I always know when you just want to barricade yourself in there…you have a tell."

"I do?"

"Mmmmmm hmmm."

"What is it?"

"If I tell you, you'll know."

Justin sighed, "Can we leave yet?"

Brian was about to answer when someone entered and announced that brunch was served. They all filed into the dining room. Place cards had been set, and thus Brian and Justin were at opposite ends of the table on opposite sides. Conversation was impossible. Brian found himself sitting next to a woman with a small dog in her purse who could not seem to stop talking. She had a complaint about everything and he simply grimaced at the sound of her voice, which she took as agreement about the state of affairs of the customer service situation in the retail industry and forged on to other topics.

Justin was seated between Daniel, their host, who was apparently also a Broadway producer or financier or something and Franco his business partner. When they found out that he was the Justin Taylor who illustrated rage Franco almost squealed with delight. Apparently the two had been discussing the possibility of buying the rights from the studio and turning it into a Broadway musical.

Justin was bored.

"It could be one of the best plays we've ever done" Franco gushed.

"It has such potential, the love story between JT and Rage is so Poignant and Hot, and the plotlines so topical. I've talked to several high profile songwriters who would love to be attached to the project."

Justin was having L.A. flashbacks. Attaching people to a project, getting it off the ground, giving up what you wanted for what THEY wanted. Giving up what you wanted for something else you wanted. He tuned out of the conversation and then realized that they were waiting for a response from him.

"I'm sorry…what?"

"We said we'd love for you to be the art director, who but you could design the sets, you'd have full creative control of course."

Justin didn't even have to think about it. "Thanks, but I'm really not interested. I'm focusing on my art at the moment."

"But sweetie, this would be a wonderful resume builder and you'd get to live in New York and work on Broadway. It's every gay mans dream."

Justin smiled and shrugged. "I guess it's just not the right time. Hey, if you get the rights, I'll be happy to come see the show, you know, if it doesn't suck, give it my own personal endorsement but my time is already spoken for at the moment. And I'm not looking to move."

Brian caught the last parts of the conversation and filed it away to talk about later but then the man on his other side rescued him from the chatty woman, only to drag him into a diatribe about why Cuban cigars should be legal.

It felt like days but was only about two more hours before they could politely take their leave. Justin was asleep against Brian's shoulder almost before he closed the cab door. He didn't wake until they were back at the hotel.

"You okay?'

"F…yeah, I'm okay."

"Didn't get much sleep last night."

"Neither did you."

"Brian stretched stripping down to underwear. He rolled a joint and lay on his back on the bed. Justin joined him a moment later. "That was a pretty good offer they were making."

"Which one?"

"Art director of rage the musical."

"I'm working on my art, I don't want to be a Broadway musical art director."

"It's a great opportunity."

"So is the life I have now."

"You sure?"

"Are we actually going to have a 'you should leave to fulfill your dreams and aspirations' argument?"

Brian shrugged. "Those are pointless, you're like a fucking boomerang"

"Yeah, plus I figured out what my dreams and aspirations are."

Brian raised his eyebrows interested.

"I want to go to Paris in the spring, and Rome, I want to do Europe right, see the masters. I'd love for you to come, but if you can't take three months off I'll understand, but then I'm going to come back, to OUR house, and MY Brian, and MY life, and MY art, and live OUR life happily."

"That's what you want?"

"Yeah, I want to be an artist. Always have. Might do some more commercial stuff for money, but I can do that out of Pittsburgh just as easily as anywhere else."

Justin took another hit then handed the joint back to Brian and curled around his body, leaning his head against the man's shoulder. "Want to be with you. Want to wake up drooling on your shoulder. Want to have horrible fights with you and know you're not going anywhere, and that I'm not going anywhere, and that we're together, because we choose to be even though sometimes it's hard."

Brian leaned his head back. "Me too…except for the fights. Lets skip those."

Justin laughed. "Fine then just always agree with me."

"You're not allowed to use that word. And I can't always agree with you. You're so often wrong."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Brian, I'm not always wrong."

"I didn't say always, I said often."

"I'm not even often wrong."

"You're wrong more than I am."

"Pfft, hardly."

"This is stupid."

"These are the kind of fights I'm talking about."

"That counted as a fight?"

"Sure."

"Is it over?'

Justin shrugged. "Sure."

"Then lets have make up sex."

Justin flipped over, his body on top of Brian's "sure."

Chapter 38

"I want to go to the airport with you."

"No."

"Brian…"

"No, you're gonna sit around and mope for the rest of the day anyway, you're not going to do it in a cab heading back from the airport alone."

Justin stopped. He realized the logic there. It might be easier to say goodbye here. He just wanted as much time with Brian as he could get at the moment.

Brian hoped his argument had worked. Saying goodbye was one of his least favorite things to do, he wasn't sure he could take the cab ride. And then the entire flight knowing that Justin was sitting in the back of a cab trying not to cry. He watched Justin nod and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"I'll be back on Friday, less than a week, and then we're going home together. "This is our last goodbye."

Justin leaned his head against Brian's chest. "Promise?"

"Well, until you go to Europe in the spring, but I'll probably be able to get two months away, so yeah, for a while, this is our last goodbye."

"This sucks."

"Don't be famous."

"Shut up, I can't help it if I'm unbearably talented."

"No, you can't, and yes you are. Now I've got to go…I'll call you from the house."

"Call me from the airport. And then from the Pittsburgh Airport. And then from the house. And then from the office."

Brian laughed. "Justin, you'll be fine."

"Will you?"

"I'll be fine too."

"Does this mean we can use that word again?"

"No, I can use it in regard to you, but you're still not cleared for assessing your own level of fine."

"You're on a weird power trip with this."

"And you love me for it."

Justin stood on his toes his hands pulling Brian's head down and their lips meeting. "I love you.'

"I know."

Brian left and Justin closed the door behind him. He lay back on the bed, wearing just a pair of sweats. He had no plan on leaving the room again 'til tomorrow.

He tried not to cry but it didn't work. He cried and at some point dozed off. He woke up not feeling much better. Brian hadn't called but it had been less than an hour, he probably wasn't even at La Guardia yet. Justin opened the mini-fridge.

There were post-it notes all over the thing. The Whisky bottles were clearly marked "NOT FOR TWINK CONSUMPTION!"

Justin reached for a gin when he noticed the note by them "not for use when taking medications."

Smiling Justin thought maybe a bottle of water and an obscenely expensive Tobelerone might be what he needed. There was a note on the candy "not 'til you've eaten real food."

He was finding the notes less amusing now, there was a knock on the door.

Brian had apparently ordered room service at the front desk before leaving. There was fruit and bagels, a chicken salad sandwich, soda and juice.

Justin signed the tab, tipped the guy and put the sandwich in the mini-fridge, he had no desire to eat much, but if it meant he could have a gin or two, or even a tequila, he'd have a fucking bagel, maybe even some fruit.

He was chewing when his cell rang. "You at the airport?"

"All checked in, waiting for boarding…it's gonna be a vicious flight, I count three babies already."

"What did you take?'

"Nothing major, I'll be fine to drive by the time the plane lands… if the plane lands."

"Don't talk like that."

"I'm just…"

"Bugging me. Thanks for the food by the way."

"Figured you should eat something."

"You always think I should eat something."

"Well, between my always and your never, we seem to keep you from starving to death."

"The notes on the bottles were not necessary."

"I thought you might need a little reminder."

"And I don't need a note on my Tobelerone."

"You do if you saw it. You were gonna eat candy and drink gin for dinner." Brian tsk'd "That's not taking care of yourself Sunshine."

"You don't know everything."

"When are you going to accept that I do?"

"When you stop being wrong all the time."

"You really know how to make a guy miss you."

…………….

"Don't stick your tongue out at me."

"How do you know… never mind. Anyway, I'm eating…. Mmmmmm fruit and bagels and soda. Yum."

"I sent up a sandwich."

"I'll have that later. I'm gonna spend some quality time with the TV tonight I think."

"You need it, you and the TV need to bond."

"Shut up, I've been running around all week, I just want to relax. Tomorrow is going to be hell."

"What's particularly hellish about tomorrow?"

"Last I heard, Ranston's not dead, so I'm going to be dealing with him all day."

"They're calling my flight. I'll call you in an hour when I'm in Pittsburgh"

"Okay. Fly carefully."

"Funny."

Justin hung up, taking a third tequila bottle out of the mini-bar and downing it quickly. He then kept his promise and sat in front of the television catching up on all the crap he hadn't been missing, and glad that he had better things to do with his evenings that watch TV on a regular basis.

Brian did call from Pittsburgh airport, and they talked through most of his drive back to the house. When he got home they said their goodbyes. Justin took his meds, with water, and Brian sat in the den, drinking vodka, eating chocolate and hoping that Justin's recovery was as far along as it currently seemed to be.

Brian gritted his teeth through the meeting the next morning. The clients had requests that might seem reasonable to them, but as they didn't know jack shit about advertising, time lines, budgets or…well apparently anything, they were wrong. He held his tongue and smiled, using the patented Kinney charm to get through the meeting and make the necessary arrangements.

Justin was more frustrated than Brian. The small details of an art show were something he really didn't want to bother with. It wasn't as if Ranston was asking his opinion on catering menus or traffic flow, it was just the little tiny details of where to hang what, how high to hang them. How should a set be shown? Should the heights be staggered or uniform? Justin's head was pounding and it was only noon.

Tuesday was easier. Most of the major and minor decisions made, it was spent simply choosing a few auxiliary pieces as contingency plans (in case someone needed something taken off the wall immediately.) This almost never happened, but Ranston liked to be prepared.

Wednesday was spent looking at the pieces that probably weren't going to be in the show, and discussing when Justin might be able to make it back to New York for a weekend so that these works might be shown in a group display. Justin avoided the question. He knew he'd have to come back to New York, but he just wasn't up to thinking about it yet.

Brian got through the days on autopilot. He had dinner with Lindsay on Tuesday and on Wednesday night ate at the diner before heading home. Killing time without Justin around wasn't all that different than when the artist was obsessing in the studio.

They were both doing fine, they were both counting the days until Friday when Brian would be back in New York.

Wednesday night hit Justin hard. There wasn't a particular reason, and it didn't result in a full-fledged anxiety attack. He simply felt uneasy from the moment he opened the door to the suite.

He knew it was insane but he checked all the closets, behind the shower curtain, even under the bed. He tried to laugh at himself but the feeling wouldn't go away.

"Hey there."

"Hi."

"You done for the day?"

"Yeah."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not allowed to use that word, and you're shaking."

"No I'm not."

"Stop lying."

"It's nothing, I just feel…"

"What?"

"I don't know, nervous. Something's wrong."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't fucking know, if I knew, I'd do something about it."

"What do you think is wrong?"

"Someone's hiding in the room waiting to kill me?"

Brian laughed. "No they aren't"

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

"Why am I so fucked up?"

"Because you've been hanging around me too long."

"Maybe I should stop doing that."

"Maybe not."

"Yeah, maybe not."

"How was your day?"

"Boring."

"Did you have dinner with Lindz?"

"Ate at the diner."

"How's Deb?"

"Excited about the trip to New York."

"Maybe it's a bad idea to have everyone at the show."

"You think they're going to embarrass you?"

"No, I KNOW they're going to embarrass me, that's not the point. What if the show tanks? What if no one comes? What if nothing sells? It'll be humiliating. Can't we just tell everyone to stay home?"

"No."

"Brian?"

"Mmmmmm?"

"Are you really sure it's going to be okay, I mean, how do you really know?"

"Because even if it isn't okay, it'll be okay. Your work is amazing. If the people who come to the show can't see that, it's their loss. And either way, you're coming home with me, so who cares what they buy."

Justin tried to smile. "I care."

"I know you do. And just about everything you've shown has sold, why do you think this is gonna be any different?"

"Because my stuff looks good compared to the other crap Ranston hangs in the gallery. On it's own…it looks…"

"Perfect."

"Pfft, hardly"

"Well, except for that stupid painting of my knee."

"Yeah, no one wants that one, what if everything else I have is just a bad as the painting of your knee?"

"It isn't."

"You don't know everything."

"Pretend I do, it makes us both happy."

"Brian."

"Mmmmmm?"

"Feel like driving to New York for the night?"

"You're doing fine without me. You keep up this whining though and I'm gonna have to punish you when I do get to New York."

"Promise?"

"How 'bout I promise to punish you if you STOP whining."

"That might get me to stop."

"Something has to, you're getting worse than Michael."

"That's just mean."

"It's also true. You have talent and you know it, now breathe and relax, no one is coming to kill you."

"Okay."

"You eat today?"

"Grrr."

"That's not an answer."

"I had soup."

"Why don't you go out, burn off the excess energy, maybe it'll calm you down."

"I don't want to, I'm too tired to dance, and if I drink one more gin and tonic I'm gonna crash."

"One more, how many have you had?"

"Three."

"With your meds."

"It's 11:30, I took my meds."

"With gin."

"And tonic. Tonic is another word for medicine, so really I took my meds with meds."

Brian rolled his eyes and refused to be pulled into this ridiculous argument at the moment. "You need to sleep."

"Can't sleep."

"I'll stay here with you till you do."

"Why can't you really be here?"

"Because then KinnetiK would fold and we'd be broke and you like the house, I'd hate to lose it."

"You know we're going to have to talk about splitting the finances more equitably, it's insane that I make money on my art and you don't let me pay for stuff."

"It's insane that you want to."

"I just feel…"

"What?"

"Kept."

"Good, cause I'm keeping you."

"That's not what I meant."

"You want to pay some of the bills, go ahead, I'm not stopping you."

"They're mailed to your office and Ted writes the checks."

"Yes, but I'm not stopping you, I'm just making it inconvenient."

"Like anything in our lives is convenient."

"I don't know, lately, things have been pretty…"

"STOP!"

"What? Christ, what's with the yelling?"

"You'll jinx us. Don't say another word."

"Okay, I won't say a thing if you'll do something for me."

Justin sighed, "What?"

"I want to hear you come. Come for me Justin."

And he did, stroking himself, picturing Brian's hand's Brian's mouth, Brian's cock touching him in all the right places. He came, loudly. And when Brian heard his breath become even against the phone he waited another minute and then hung up. He knew Justin would be okay for the night. And tomorrow, he'd think of a new way to take the kids mind off of the upcoming event.

Thursday flew by in a blur for the both of them. Too much to do before Brian got there. Too many last minute decisions.

Brian had some planning and arranging of his own to do before he left. His plane was scheduled to depart at seven PM on Friday, he couldn't concentrate on work he was too nervous for Justin. Eventually, after reaming out most of the staff, Cynthia sent him home where he drank and packed.

By ten thirty on Friday night Brian was inside the suite in New York. By Ten Thirty one they were both naked.

"I've missed you"

"It's been five days."

"That's too many"

"You're whining again."

"Am I?"

Brian ran his hand down Justin's recently revealed thighs, "You are"

"I'm sorry"

Brian sighed.

"Sorry, I'm not allowed to, shit, I did it again. Christ. Some words just can't be removed from my vocabulary."

"Just. Stop. Talking." Brian said as he slid his body over Justin's until their eyes met. "Don't say another word."

"I won't, I just wanted to tell you that I missed you and…mmmmmm that feels really good. Ranston was such an asshole today, fluttering around worried about having the gallery closed tonight. I swear sometimes all I want to do is bury him behind the lake with Hunter."

Brian sighed and lifted himself off of Justin. He lay on his back and fished a joint out of the duffle bag beside the bed.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Letting you finish. We're obviously not getting anywhere until you get everything you have to say out."

Justin pouted a little. "No, I'm done now, I swear, I just…" he took a drag from the joint and held it, not finishing his sentence.

Brian took another deep inhale and was about to put it out when Justin exhaled and started talking again

"…Wanted to remind you that I've been working hard and I need to relax and that I've been thinking about you. I guess what I wanted was…"

Brian leaned in to kiss Justin, transferring the smoke from his own lungs to the blondes. Then he did it again. Justin was starting to felt he effects. He began kissing down Brian's chest. Nuzzling and nibbling, and chattering away at the same time.

Brian let it go for a while but almost five minutes later Justin had barely stopped for a breath, and was still going on about nothing in particular.

Brian sat up. "C'mere."

"What?"

"You said you wanted to be punished."

"Brian."

"And that's whining."

"I'm not whining I'm just."

"You're just shutting up."

He pulled Justin over his lap and smiled. He was breathing hard but he'd stopped talking. "You know, normally, I don't mind when you yammer, but your head is spinning."

Justin nodded "I know, I can't stop thinking, every time I try to focus on something I think of another…Ouch."

"You need to stop thinking." Brian swatted Justin's perfect pale ass cheeks again. "Now, are you going to cooperate and be a good boy?"

Justin remained silent this time, raising himself up on his knees, spreading them apart. Brian ran his hands over his back and ass appreciatively. "Good boy."

"I just…"

As Justin started to say something Brian began in earnest. His hand coming down hard against the sensitive flesh. Justin pushed his face further into the covers, moaning. His brain was starting to slow down.

Brian continued Justin's punishment in silence, letting the sound of his hand connecting with Justin's skin do the talking for him. He felt him leaking on his leg, and knew he was probably beyond words at this point but Brian didn't stop. He didn't even slow down. He took his little blonde past the point where he usually pulled him back. He needed Justin to relax, to concentrate on something other than the million reasons why he was terrified of tomorrow.

Justin was crying outright now, begging Brian to stop, but not using his safe word, or moving particularly forcefully away from Brian's non-stop assault on his thighs. Brian stopped for a moment, rubbing reddened skin and Justin arched up again, not truly ready for the punishment to stop.

Brian lubed his finger and pressed it into him. Justin moaned. He was lost.

Justin tried to remember what he had been so intent on telling Brian, something about Ranston and the gallery, and…he couldn't think. There was nothing but the amazing feel of strong hands, holding him in place, punishing his ass with hard sure strokes, between his thighs, on the delicate skin where his ass met his legs, directly on his round cheeks. Each time he tried to move the blows became harder and more accurate. He thought he might pass out if Brian didn't let him come soon. He was so hard, and each slap against his ass pushed him forward but not enough to give him the friction he needed.

He tried to lower his body but then the sensations stopped altogether and he arched his back before he even realized he was doing it, his legs spread, his ass up, offering itself. He wanted more.

When he felt Brian's fingers inside him he cried out. And as one hand worked itself into him, the other continued to rain blows upon his ass and thighs. He couldn't think, couldn't talk, could barely breathe.

When Brian's hand found it's way between his legs, massaging his balls, rubbing lightly against his hard cock he shot ropey spurts of come. He buried his head, embarrassed that all it had taken was a single touch at that point.

He relaxed a little, his breathing starting to return to normal, his body almost collapsing over Brian's lap. Then he heard Brian speak for the first time since he'd started. "We're not done yet."

"Brian."

His hand came down again…but it wasn't his hand. Justin turned his head sharply and saw the paddle out of the corner of his eye. It was black, and that was about all he could tell. The pain was different. Sharper, but less concentrated. It spread over his ass, and he could feel it throughout his body. He moaned and lifted himself back up on his knees a bit. "My very good little pain slut." Brian said, rubbing his hands through Justin's hair.

At that moment, it's all Justin wanted, to be here, letting Brian have him, hurt him, punish him, clear his mind of everything. He was a pain slut, he'd known that since he'd first gotten his nipple ring but this was new, and…thought left him again as a set of sharp blows from the paddle came quickly one after the other.

He gasped, and gave in to feeling and not thinking.

Brian watched him come, and start to relax, but the moment he stopped his ministrations with his hands Justin's body tensed back up, just a tiny bit, but enough that Brian knew he wasn't done yet. He pulled the paddle out. He'd never used anything but his hand on Justin before; he wasn't really big into props. If you couldn't get off with Justin in your bed you were doing something very wrong. But tonight wasn't about him getting off; it was about bringing Justin to a new place, someplace where Ranston, and the show, and what happens next didn't exist.

So he began with the paddle and was gratified to watch Justin pull back up, arching himself towards the blows. He let him get accustomed to the feel of the new toy, let him wrap his brain around it, but then he felt that tenseness again. He was back to thinking, to analyzing. He brought down several hard fast blows that pulled Justin out of wherever he was and pushed him where Brian wanted him…. over the edge.

He could see his red face, the tears streaming down, and knew that he was almost there. Brian doubled his efforts, keeping an unsteady rhythm with the paddle, driving Justin insane, not knowing what to expect next, or when next might be. He'd spend a full minute rubbing and caressing his hot red skin, only to start up again. Finally Brian pushed Justin against his legs, letting his leaking cock fall between his thighs. He continued with the paddle while Justin rutted into him and as Justin came Brian brought the paddle down again, square against his ass, he continued several more blows until the blonde was completely spent.

Brian threw the paddle to the side and slid out from beneath him. "I'm gonna fuck your hot little ass now."

Justin moaned. He could barely move. He felt Brian on top of him and as he buried himself deep inside he pushed back, feeling the heat of his own recent punishment burn against Brian's pelvis and thighs.

Brian wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him up 'til they were both on their knees. He licked and bit at Justin's neck while he continued to pump hard into the boy, feeling the heat and the desire as he thrust back at him.

Brian was sure Justin's mind was clear now, and his was close to empty. There was nothing at this moment but the two of them, their bodies, their need, their skin, their scent. And finally he came, moving his hand down to jerk off his little twink. They came together. Brian growled, pushing hard into Justin's spasming body. Justin whimpered, the glorious feeling almost too much after everything he'd just been through.

When they were finished Brian lay back down, and Justin practically collapsed onto his shoulder, his arm flung over his chest. He slept. Brian was asleep soon after. Both glad that tomorrow was their last day in New York.

Chapter 39

Justin woke first. His heart was racing. It was Saturday…THE Saturday. He closed his eyes against the swell of panic, focused on breathing normally. It didn't work. He was in the bathroom moments later vomiting. It's not as if he hadn't expected this. And with little in his stomach it was mostly just dry heaves. He stood up, feeling his head spin. He sat down quickly on the tile step that led to the Jacuzzi.

As soon as he sat on the hard surface he was reminded of the previous night. He smiled then. Brian had been amazing, had somehow known just what he needed. He moved over towards the mirror, his back to it, turning his head, trying to see the marks he was sure were there.

They were. His ass was still red, and a few purplish spot were on either cheek. He was admiring them when he heard Brian snort out a half laugh.

"Proud of yourself hmmmm?"

Justin blushed a little. "I just wanted to see…"

Brian stepped forward and wrapped pulled Justin close. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just woke up a little scared. Today's gonna be…"

"Today's going to be fine, and by this time tomorrow, you and I will be back in _our_ bed, in _our_ house living _OUR_ life."

Justin leaned a little further into Brian. "I can't wait."

"I know you can't but we've got a lot to do before then."

"We do?"

"Well first, we have to fill the tub, and then, I think I'm going to have to fuck that incredibly hot red ass of yours at least twice. After that, we'll figure something out."

Justin was smiling again by the time Brian started running the bath.

They did exactly what Brian had listed on the agenda…and then some. When they finally emerged from the bathroom, both a little waterlogged and extremely sated, Justin could almost handle the thought of walking to the gallery and dealing with Ranston all afternoon.

He had several interviews scheduled with art critics from some very prominent papers and magazines. He wasn't sure what he was going to say.

"What if I get tongue tied."

"Never gonna happen."

"How do you know?"

"Because of all the things you're likely to lose… your keys, your wallet, your mind, I doubt you'll ever lose your astounding ability to babble endlessly."

Justin rolled his eyes. "I don't lose my keys that often."

"No, only every time you put them down in the house. You know Freud says that means you don't really want to leave the house."

"Yeah, it takes Freud to figure that one out." Justin said.

Brian was getting dressed; Justin was staring blankly at the closet. Brian glanced over and wondered what the kid was doing.

"You know, not that I'm against your being naked but you are going to wear something for your interviews right? I mean, sure, naked will prevent having to answer a lot of questions, but the photos might be embarrassing."

"Embarrassing?"

"Well, hot, but I'm the only one who gets to keep naked photos of you."

"You have naked photos of me?"

Brian shrugged. "You sketch when you see me sleeping…I grab a Polaroid."

"Brian!"

"What, I needed something to put in the frame on my desk."

Justin laughed, "You better at least keep them in your briefcase."

"Oh I do. And a few on a private file on my computer, although if I know Cyn, she's seen them."

"Brian! Tell me you're kidding."

"I'm kidding."

Justin tried to believe him. "What the fuck am I gonna wear?"

"The brown wool Dolce pants with the burgundy shirt, and your Prada boots."

Justin scrunched his face. "Too formal."

Brian was about to roll his eyes but then realized Justin was right, and there were going to be photos. He got serious and started flipping through Justin's clothes. They were all neatly hung in the closet because he'd hung them up the last time he was here. And they had the stuff they'd purchased last weekend at Barney's. There had to be SOMETHING.

"I can't believe you don't have this figured out already."

Justin shrugged, "I was probably in denial or something."

Brian shook his head. "Every time I think you're finally the best homosexual you can be, you go and do something like this."

"Nagging isn't going to help…just find me something to wear."

Brian pulled out a pair of dark boot cut jeans that he knew fit Justin perfectly…"No, not jeans."

"These." He pulled the dark brown leather pants and button down bias cut shirt with subtle diagonal striping in pale yellows and a deeper brown that picked up the brown in the pants and accentuated the golden blonde of his hair. The Prada boots were still the best bet.

Justin nodded. "Okay."

Brian tossed the clothes to him. "Get dressed."

When they were both finished dressing Brian considered asking Justin if he wanted to eat something but decided that the answer would just piss him off. Today, he'd let the kid starve, and tomorrow he'd force-feed him if he had to.

Justin was pacing the room. His hair was almost below his collar, and the shirt skimmed his body perfectly, showing off his lithe compact torso without accentuating how damn small he still was. He hadn't put back all of the weight he'd lost over the last nine months.

Brian thought he might look better than he'd ever seen him and fought back the urge to undress him. They didn't have time; he had to be at the gallery in less than an hour.

Sit down.

Justin sat, cracking his knuckles.

Brian handed him a bag, "This is for you."

"What?"

"It's a gift."

Brian I thought…

"I celebrate accomplishments. Today is an accomplishment."

Justin smiled and pulled the item from the bag, it was heavy. "You made Cynthia wrap this?"

"Fuck you I did it myself."

Justin looked up, "Really?"

"Yeah, and you're wrapping all the Christmas presents when we get home, because fuck that's a pain in the ass."

Justin nodded. "Fine."

"You're not allowed to use that word."

"Even in agreement."

Brian smiled. "Better safe than sorry."

Justin shot him a 'whatever' look and continued running his hand across the wrapping paper.

"You know, the gift is UNDER the paper. I didn't just buy you something shiny."

Justin looked up, a tear visible. "Sorry, It's just, I don't think you've ever actually given me like a real live present before."

Brian clenched his jaw, angry with himself. Justin shouldn't have to be so grateful for small kindnesses. "Yeah well, if it takes you this long to open one I may never do it again."

Justin started to pull the paper away. He turned the large heavy book over.

"It's got those Van Gogh sketches that suck in it. I figured you could benefit from having them around. That way you don't have to track down the exhibit every time you start thinking you're a hack."

Justin was crying now. "Brian thank you."

"It'll go in the library when it's finished."

"Library?"

"Yeah, you're right, the dungeon should be in the basement, right next to the gym, so when you get home you're gonna have to talk to Gregory so we can get started."

"You're really gonna let it be a library?"

"We're gonna have to buy more books though, cause with a two story bookcase and a librarians ladder, and a double sided desk, so we both have work space…it's gonna seem silly to only have the one."

Justin smiled wider. "We'll get more books."

"There's more to the present."

"There is?"

"Open it."

Justin did and found an envelope inside. He pulled out two airline tickets and looked up at Brian in wonder and a little confusion.

"I can't leave until late April, because of the carriage house renovations. And I really have to be back at KinnetiK and to help Lindsay with Gus once he's out of school. So my ticket is for two months. Yours is open ended."

Justin opened the paper folded in the envelope.

"Cyn booked the flights and helped with the itinerary. You'll get lots of time in Rome and Paris Madrid, Prague, Berlin, and London, and then once I head back, it's kind of less scheduled, you'll be able to go back and see anything you think you missed or whatever."

Justin was truly crying now.

"This gift has three conditions," Brian said, as he pulled Justin off the bed and held him, whispering into the top of his head.

"The first is that you're healthy before we leave. That means an actual doctors appointment." Justin nodded. "The second is that you understand that I _will_ be off shopping while you spend twelve hours staring at a single painting." Justin smiled at that one. "And the third is that you promise that no matter how long you want to stay, and how in love with Europe you are, you'll come home."

Justin nodded adamantly at that one. "I promise I'll always come home."

Brian smiled. "Good, now go away."

"What?"

"You've got to get to the gallery, and I'm going to meet oh say, a million people at the airport.

"You're meeting them at the airport?"

"That was an exaggeration, I'm meeting them in the lobby, but either way, you have an interview to give."

Justin nodded. He had a gift for Brian as well but decided to save it until later.

Brian kissed the top of his head again. "I love you."

Justin inhaled deeply; it still affected him when Brian said it. He smiled, kissed Brian on the lips, grabbed his coat and bag and headed out. By tomorrow, he'd have lots of new things to worry about, but they'd be easy, because he'd be home, and Brian loved him.

Brian squared his shoulders once Justin left. Relieved that the morning had gone as smoothly as it had. He hadn't known what to expect but he'd expected the worst. Justin was holding it together admirably under the circumstances.

He rolled a joint and sat down, letting himself relax a little. Everyone should be there within the next couple of hours and he wasn't sure he was ready for the onslaught.

Justin wiped his tears with gloved hands as he walked towards the gallery. Brian could be so fucking thoughtful sometimes it pissed him off. And in the spring, they were going to see EVERYTHING. He was so excited he almost wasn't worried about the show.

Justin looked like a deer caught in headlights as he stood by one of his larger works and allowed the photographer to direct him a little.

This was his third interview and the third photographer and he still wasn't sure what they wanted him to say. They asked things about his inspiration, and his choice to work out of Pittsburgh rather than New York. They asked him about his daily routine and his work habits. What made him decide to be an artist in the first place? He answered honestly if not fully. Leaving Brian's name out of it.

He gave mostly vague and seemingly 'deep' answers when in fact, they were just bullshit to keep everything on the surface. "None of this." He thought to himself. "Is anyone's business by mine, and maybe Brian's. They don't need to know any of this to appreciate my work."

But he smiled, and remembered that if this went well, he could bury himself back in the studio, and rarely have to deal with people again. It was that thought, and the image of walking through Paris with Brian that kept him from snapping.

He could tell Ranston was pleased with his responses, and felt an annoying amount of relief at that.

One of them asked him to stand by the large display of six canvasses. He wanted to refuse. There was a part of him that wanted to pull them down off the wall. There had only originally been five, but he'd added a sixth a couple months ago and felt the set was finally up to date. It would never be complete, but he was very okay with that.

They asked him about the set.

"It's pieces of my life." Was all he would say about it. Anyone who knew him would recognize most of the pieces, anyone who didn't, well, they didn't matter.

One of the reporters had done more research than most. He was from _Pittsburgh Living_ and knew more of Justin's story than others. "Did your work change much after the incident at your prom?"

Justin's mouth opened and then closed again. He hadn't been prepared for questions about the bashing but he had been news at the time, and this reporter had been in Pittsburgh so it made sense. He tried to collect his thoughts.

"It changed a lot. Not only because of the damage done to my motor skills, which meant I had to work in different mediums. But because it changed the way I saw the world. Something like that doesn't happen and leave you unaffected."

It was the best he could say at the moment, besides, it was no one's business. He was beginning to get resentful of the prying questions.

Luckily he only had a brief press conference with some less important publications left and then he could go hide in a corner.

He answered the multiple reporters' redundant questions and breathed a deep sigh when they finally left.

"You did well Mr. Taylor."

"Thanks, I'm going out for coffee."

Ranston nodded. He'd seen the press take its toll on artists before, and Justin had never actually struck him as the most stable of men in the first place. He was just relived that the tall guy…Brian, hadn't been around for this. He had a feeling a lot fewer questions would have been answered and a lot more reporters would have walked away slightly intimidated and writing more about Mr. Taylor's "bodyguard" than his art.

Debbie and Carl were impressed with the suite. "Shit, I haven't stayed anyplace this nice since they put me in that private room in the hospital when I had Michael."

Brian smiled. "I figured you and Carl could use a vacation, and some time alone, after living with Emmett."

Carl shrugged, "He's not so bad, you get used to him."

"HOLY SHIT!" Debbie's voice reverberated through the room "Carl, check out the size of this tub."

"And that's my cue to leave" Brian said. "See you at the show."

Carl was heading towards Debbie's voice when Brian closed the door.

He returned to his own suite to find Emmett and his new man waiting for him.

"Brian you should come out with us, we're going sight seeing."

Brian simply shook his head. You two have a good time, I'm looking forward to a couple of drinks and a couple of hours of not having a pacing blonde cracking his knuckles incessantly."

Emmett shrugged and walked away arm in arm with Finn. Apparently they'd been dating for several months now but Emmett had decided that his mistake in past relationships was to go public too soon.

His faulty logic was pointed out to him by Ted, Blake, Michael, Debbie, and anyone else who remembered Drew but he ignored them all and swore that his keeping Finn to himself for a while was the reason they'd lasted so long. He seemed happy so everyone simply accepted Finn. Mostly because he made Emmett happy and had an absolutely drool worthy Scottish brogue.

Brian was wrong about getting time alone without a pacing blonde in his room. he had just poured himself a double when he heard a knock at the door.

He barely got the door open before a miniature version of himself was hugging his knees. Lindsay smiled somewhat apologetically. "He wouldn't stop asking when he could see you."

Gus let go of Brian's leg and ran around the suite calling for Justin.

"Daddy, where's Jussin?"

"Justin's at work. You'll see him when you get home."

Lindsay smiled again. Brian I can't thank you enough for the flight, and the suite. I'm not sure how Gus would have fared a 5-hour drive. And it'll be fun to stay a couple of extra days and take him sight seeing."

He shrugged, sitting down and swallowing half of his drink in a single gulp. "Michael and Ben have JR?"

"Brian you know Mel's taking her for the week."

He finished his drink. Saying nothing.

"How's Justin holding up?"

"He seemed okay this morning, which probably means he's in a corner of the gallery crying at the moment."

Lindsay was pacing now. "The show will be fine I'm sure."

Brian nodded, wondering why she was pacing and fidgeting if she was so sure. He had convinced himself it would all be okay, but Lindsay was currently making it difficult for him continue his forced optimism.

"Would you sit the fuck down."

"Daddy mommy says you shouldn't say fuck."

Brian laughed, and Lindsay gasped. "Gus! I told you not to use that word."

"I was tellin' daddy not to use it."

"Daddy can use it if he wants, but he shouldn't say it in front of you." The last part of the statement was directed at Brian.

"Wow Lindz, you've got that mom glare down."

She took his glass and poured him another drink, finishing half of it herself before handing it back to him. "Justin's going to be fine."

"I know that."

Gus was spinning around in circles when Brian looked over at him. "This is new."

He stopped and tried to take a step, giggling uncontrollably when he fell down. The dresser was inches from his head and both Brian and Lindsay moved quickly before it registered that he hadn't actually made contact before he fell.

He tried to stand up again but Brian grabbed him before he could stumble into the furniture and actually do any damage.

"What the fu…what are you doing?"

"I was spinnin'"

Brian smiled a little. "why."

"'Cause spinnin's fun, me and Sam spin all the time."

"Don't do it in here, you'll get hurt."

"Wanna spin. Spin me daddy."

Brian did and Lindsay's heart melted a little. She had several regrets in her life, and she wasn't always thrilled with Brian's choices. But she'd never regretted choosing him as the father of her child.

His love for the boy was obvious. And his relationship with him had changed since they'd been living on the same grounds. She was beginning to feel that Brian might be right. An addition to the house would make life easier, and then she could stay, giving Gus a chance to grow up knowing his father.

This Brian Kinney, a somewhat different man from the one she'd had to get high in order to convince him to be the father in the first place. This was a dad worth knowing.

Brian was watching Gus's face as he spun the boy around, the look of delight in his eyes, the infectious sound of his giggling, mixed with four shots of whiskey made Brian feel something that on anyone else might have been described as giddy. Brian Kinney didn't do giddy, so instead he just called it glad to see his son happy.

When he finally collapsed on the chair, Gus on his lap still laughing, he promised himself that he'd do whatever it took to make sure Gus stayed this happy forever.

His mind wandered back to Justin, and as thoughts of what he'd been through in his relatively short life flashed, he hugged Gus a little tighter. Gus would never have to deal with anything like that. He made himself that promise even while Gus struggled out of Brian's arms to show his daddy how to spin right, and once again almost clocked himself on the head with an end table.

Lindsay caught him this time, and caught the look in Brian's eyes. He was worried about Justin. More worried than he'd admit. She wanted to say something that would assuage his fears but there was nothing to say.

"Gus, it's time for your nap. Say goodbye to Daddy, you'll see him at home next week."

"Bye daddy, say hi to Jussin' for me."

"Bye Gus."

"Thanks Lindz."

She smiled as she held Gus's hand and shut the door behind her.

Brian sat staring at nothing for a while. He wanted to call Justin and see how he was doing but thought he might still be in mid interview.

Justin was in fact doing okay. He was sketching ideas for the library. When he'd talked to Dr. Blackstone about his obsession with getting the house done, and how he wanted it to be perfect for Brian the man had laughed at him.

"You wanted it for yourself."

Justin had looked at him confused, shaking his head.

"Justin, you left home when you were 17 and haven't lived anywhere permanently since then. You've been in Brian's loft, and Debbie's house, and borrowed some couch space in New York, but except for a few months of a rented studio, that you admit never felt like home, you haven't had a place to call home that couldn't have been pulled away at any moment."

Justin thought about that a lot these days. The house was his. Brian had put it in both their names. But more than that he'd left his mark in every detail of renovation and decoration.

His sneakers were thrown under the sofa where Brian couldn't see them and complain, his artwork was on the walls, his tastes were reflected in almost every aspect of the place. Sometimes he didn't trust that it would be there when he got back.

The Dr. was right, he hadn't had a home in a long time. His mother had sold their home when his parents divorced. He'd never really lived in that town house. A couple days after the bashing, and that's it. It was never his. The loft was never anything but Brian's no matter how long he lived there, even after the Stockwell debacle Brian had redecorated and made it his again, not theirs. This was theirs. But somehow, more importantly, his, and so the library would be just the way he wanted it.

His mind traveled around these ideas in circles as he tried to ignore the fact that the show's start time was approaching all too quickly. He shook his hand out to loosen his fingers and went back to designing a double sided desk that would accommodate Brian's need for clean lines and his need for things not to look like they just got delivered from the loft.

Jennifer sighed. She had HOPED Ben and Michael wouldn't bring Hunter, but then had a feeling the boy would have shown up even if Brian hadn't bought him a ticket.

He would not take her polite hints that he should go back to his suite and check in with Ben, or Michael or both. He and Molly seemed more intent upon lounging across the sofa, and each other in her suite and doing a very bad job at hiding the fact that they really wished that she would leave.

She'd been almost as upset as Justin when she'd first found out about the two, but she'd learned her lesson after almost losing her son. And so she'd accepted Hunter into Molly's life. Trying to remain pleasant as he continued to be one of the most annoying boys she'd ever met. She'd never thought she'd wish Molly had found someone more like Justin's boyfriend.

She shook her head and popped back into the living room area for nothing in particular. It was her method of making sure they didn't forget where they were while they lost themselves in each other on the couch.

She wondered for a moment if this might be her fault. Perhaps if she had married someone less like Craig, her children wouldn't be drawn to these types of men. But she knew that wasn't it. She just didn't like Hunter.

She and Molly had appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday at NYU and Columbia respectively. Jennifer loved that Molly might stay close to home, but secretly thought that maybe the University of Arizona would be good for Hunter and Molly's relationship. Well not good for it, more a nail in the coffin of it, but that would be good for Jenn.

She sighed again and looked at her watch. She could legitimately kick Hunter out in another 45 minutes.

Michael and Ben were just glad Hunter was occupied. Molly was nice enough, and Michaels initial aggravation at yet another man in his life falling for a Taylor blonde had faded. What he was left with now was a large luxurious suite, Hunter gone for hours and Ben not having any papers to grade. Melanie had JR. Michael and Ben finally had some time to themselves. They used it well. Both realizing almost too late that Hunter would be back any minute and hurrying to shower before the show.

Blake was trying to convince Ted that the breeder who was watching Blue was excellent.

"If all goes well, the stud will have done his work by the time we get back to Pittsburgh."

Ted tried to nod and agree but he was worried about his baby.

Blake did what he could to take the mans mind off of things and eventually they found their way to the Jacuzzi in their bathroom.

Brian couldn't take it anymore he called Justin.

Justin heard Brian's ringtone, (love you madly by Cake), and picked up.

"Hey you."

"Hey, you in the middle of an interview?"

"Nope they're over, I'm sketching the library for Gregory."

Brian closed his eyes, relieved. Telling him about the library had been a good idea, giving him something else to focus on was the goal…it had worked.

"This is gonna cost me a fortune isn't it?"

"Nope, I'm paying for it."

"Like hell."

"It wasn't a question."

"It isn't a debate."

Justin sighed. "Brian, eventually, you're going to have to let me pay for something."

"Eventually I will."

"When is eventually… on your calendar?"

"I don't have my calendar with me."

Justin sighed. "Well at least I know what we'll be talking about on the flight home."

Brian laughed, "I wasn't planning on talking much."

"Yeah, you're usually to far gone to talk but hey, that's when I can get you to agree to lots of stuff."

"We'll see."

"I'm thinking of banning that phrase."

"I'm thinking of banning any more banning of phrases."

"Did everyone get there alright?"

"No hundred pieces of flaming anyone."

"Well that's good. Any chance you can, you know…keep them from coming to the show?"

"No."

"But you're gonna be here?"

"No."

"What?"

"Sorry, got tired of answering that question, thought I'd try a new answer."

"You're evil."

"I'm sweet."

"You know, I could be back at the hotel in fifteen minutes, we'd have time for a little actual fun before this clusterfuck begins."

"Clusterfucks can be fun."

"Not this kind."

"Maybe not for you. The rest of us are going to be highly amused."

"Amused?"

"You're kind of cute when you're nervous, aggravated and forced to schmooze."

"Only you would find that cute."

"Only you would be cute doing that."

"Exactly how drunk are you?"

"Barely drunk."

"Humph."

"I'll be there soon."

"And then we'll leave?"

"We're already packed, the plane leaves at two am, we'll be in our own bed by five."

"Pro…"

"If you ask me to promise I'm canceling the flight and we're staying in New York, with everyone, for three days."

"See you soon."

"Later."

The doors opened, and patrons began filing in. The people from the backers brunch were there, as were several members of the press who were either looking for additional bits to add to their stories about peoples reactions or those who had not been able to schedule an interview.

Justin felt like he was going to throw up, or pass out.

He saw Debbie before anyone else, but then again, she's hard to miss. And in her bright purple dress with hot pink accessories she was louder than any of the artwork.

"Sunshine!"

"Hey Deb."

"Look at you, New York's been good for you."

Justin grimaced. "I can't wait to get out of this city."

"I know honey but I'm fucking proud of you."

"So am I Justin."

Justin turned at the sound of his mother's voice. Hugging her. "Mom, I'm so glad you could come."

"Like I'd miss this."

"Like Brian would let any of us miss this."

Justin looked at Debbie, clearly confused.

"He paid for everyone's tickets and rooms, you knew that right?"

Justin shook his head. "I had no idea."

"Well that's Brian for ya." Ted said as he joined the group, "Never let it be said he doesn't go all out when he wants something."

"Yes, but the difference between you and me Theodore is that I actually GET what I want."

Ted turned his back to Brian, and wandered over to join Blake who was less familiar with Justin's work and fascinated by the pieces he was currently viewing.

Justin leaned back against Brian who had wrapped his arms around Justin's waist.

"Mr. Taylor, I have someone I'd like you to meet."

Ranston was pulling Justin away from Brian and reminding him again they needed to keep their distance during the show.

Brian laughed. "I'm not going to miss that guy."

They all chatted amicably about nothing and then separated to view the show itself.

He stood next to Lindsay who was studying a portrait of Brian holding Gus. "He really does look like you."

"Lucky for him."

"I'm glad Michael and Ben agreed to watch him for a little bit. I'll head back soon so they can come show their support."

"Don't hurry, you deserve a night out, even if it is a pretentious art opening."

"I wish Mel could have come. She wanted to but her cousin couldn't watch JR."

"Yes, you can see we're all missing her."

"Brian…"

"Hey, I didn't like her when you were married to her. You can't ask me to pretend to like her now."

"Can I ask you to be civil?"

"I get it, no yelling in front of the kids."

"Thank you."

He kissed her cheek. "Hang in there Lindz."

He walked off to see if he could steal a few moments with Justin before Ranston dragged him away again.

Justin saw Brian signal him with an almost undetectable motion. He smiled. It amused him that the skill Brian used for cruising men in more formal situations worked equally well when he needed to communicate with him.

They met in a quiet corner. "Everyone seems impressed."

Justin shrugged. "I think it's going okay. Some pieces have sold already."

"You're brilliant."

"Shut up."

Brian leaned in to kiss him and Justin backed away just a bit. He grabbed Brian's shirt and pulled him around another corner and then ducked behind a roped off area.

Brian followed.

"I um, wanted to give you something."

Brian raised his eyebrows.

"It's no big deal, just something I saw and well, I mean if don't want it, or want to or…"

"Justin."

The blonde looked up at him.

"What do you want to give me."

He handed Brian a box.

"We don't have to I just thought, you know… maybe on our right hands."

Brian opened the box to find two Titanium bands. They were not the one's they'd chosen for the wedding. These were bolder, black and silver, with a very subtle tension set stone. Brian wasn't sure what to say.

He'd considered bringing the ring issue up with Justin recently but had been a little hesitant. Okay, absolutely terrified that if they tried in any way change their agreement he'd lose him again.

He picked up the larger of the two bands.

"It's inscribed."

Brian squinted to see what it said. It was two words. "Don't forget."

Brian smiled and picked up the smaller band, it read simply "I'm staying." Brian picked up Justin's right hand, which was now shaking, and slid the ring onto his finger.

Justin took the larger one from Brian and did the same. "It doesn't change anything." He said, kissing Brian deeply.

"Okay."

"I have to go back there now."

"I know."

Justin left first, straightening his shoulders as he always did before facing the patrons of a show, but this time he didn't have to plaster a fake smile on his face. In fact he couldn't have stopped smiling if someone asked him to.

Brian looked at his hand, using his thumb to stroke the back of his ring. Somehow Justin's timing had improved, or maybe they'd just finally caught up with each other.

He headed back out to the show.

Brian was drawn to the painting he recognized immediately. It was the scarf. The other pieces were the same size, and each one was breathtaking…and for Brian, just a little bit frightening.

Justin stood next to him, and Brian resisted the urge to pull him into his arms. "These are all about me."

Justin shook his head. "These are all about us."

Brian looked at him

"Brian, look at them carefully."

He stood back, trying to take each one in.

The first was simple, he knew what it was, 10,000 fags in Pittsburgh knew what it was. Eight neon bars glowed softly from the canvas.

The second was a little less clear, until he stepped further back, not even bothering to apologize to whomever he'd bumped into. It was flashes of movement and color, textures and sparkle, and in the bottom right corner, something dark and solid, and then he realized what he was looking at. This was Justin's point of view of the prom, of their dance. This is what Justin saw over his shoulder as he held him in his arms and spun him around the dance floor. Brian finished his drink and grabbed another from a passing waiter before he said anything.

When he tried to speak though he wasn't sure what to say.

Justin was watching Brian. He ignored Ranston for the moment. He'd been dreading this. But now that the moment was here, he was hypnotized by Brian's eyes, which seemed to be changing color moment by moment.

"I didn't know you even remembered the dance."

"I did. I remembered all of it."

Brian nodded and took a step towards the third painting. "Scared the shit out of me when I saw this one in the studio."

"You've seen this one?"

"Not finished but yeah, that was the night you collapsed because you hadn't eaten or slept in two days."

Justin nodded. "I guess I forgot to lock the door. Brian it's…"

He nodded. "I know what it is now. I didn't know what it meant then, that's why I was so scared."

He moved on to the fourth. It was the loft, empty, but there was more to it than that. Brian moved forward, taking in every detail of the space that had once been so familiar to him. There was a broken violin where the rubber plant should be. Posters scattered the floor, Stockwell posters, but others as well, an ad for eye conics, in orange. He smiled.

"That was a rough year."

"For us both" Justin said.

The fifth one made Brian's fingers clench around the glass in his hand. Justin took the glass away before it shattered. Brian's fists remained clenched, his knuckles white.

It was a moment, trapped in time, ambulance and police lights flashing. A woman sitting on the ground, face covered in soot, EMT blanket wrapped around her. Just the edge of a gurney visible in the back of the ambulance, blood caught in mid drip about to hit the ground. Shadowy figures moving behind the scene, the dark smoke lightened only by the orange flash of fire. Haunted eyes and panic were visible on every face.

"Babylon."

Justin wanted to reach out and touch Brian, to remind him that they weren't there anymore. He hadn't died. In fact, it might be the day Brian's life had re-started. But he said nothing.

The sixth had been added later. Justin had planned on just the five when he started but he had felt the need to add the first sketch he'd done in the new house. It was the one he'd created while waiting for Brian to return to the house his first night back, he'd needed to see it in with these others.

Brian shook his head. Purple sheets, rumpled, the blanket pushed to the side, the mattress lying on the floor. Crumpled cigarette boxes scattered around a growing pile of laundry, a single pillow. No detail was missed. The empty scotch bottle. The overflowing ashtray. They were all memorialized. The room looked forlorn. The entire scene somehow conveyed loneliness.

"What the fuck?"

"Brian, it's us."

"I get it, it's moments in our life."

Justin shook his head. It's the moments I knew you loved me."

Brian turned to look at him then.

"Each of these, they're the little things, and the big, that proved that you loved me."

"You're not done. There will be more moments."

"I know…this set will never be done."

Brian did pull him close then, and Ranston could fuck off. He kissed Justin and felt him respond.

"I do you know. I've loved you, probably since that first night."

Justin smiled. "I know. I was just waiting for you to figure it out."

THE END.


End file.
