


Please God, let me take his place

by AbigailKinney4life



Category: Queer as Folk
Genre: Hurt-Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-08-21
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2015-05-02 16:26:51
Rating: M
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,948
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7309160/1/
Author URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3066167/AbigailKinney4life
Summary: "I would watch him sleep every single night, praying that I could take his place." Ongoing story, rated M for strong language, adult themes and real-life issues x





	1. Chapter 1:I have this thing inside of me

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for strong language, drug use, adult themes and real-life issues.

So, second QAF fan fic, hope I get as much positive feedback as I did for my first x Hope you enjoy! Reviews much appreciated x This story contains alternating POV's.

Chapter 1: I have this thing inside of me

Brian POV

"We are not a fucking married couple!" I shouted at him, and Justin just stared at me. I didn't know why I was so angry with him, I just knew that I had to get it through Justin's fucking head that we were not a couple of fuck-in-our-beds breeders, and I don't answer to him, I don't answer to anyone.

"All I wanted was for you to stay home for one, _fucking_ night!" Justin retorted angrily. "You might not give a shit but it makes me so fucking jealous, knowing your going out to have someone else suck your dick when you can't even stay home with me! I'm your fucking partner!"

The kid was getting so fucking pent up that there were tears in his eyes and his face was red. I sighed, the last thing I needed was Sunshine upset, as much as I didn't give a shit about how anybody felt, I cared about the kid, no matter how much I tried to deny it.

"Sunshine." I began, putting an arm around his neck whilst he just stared up at me, looking weak and vulnerable. I had a sudden urge to hug him and promise him everything was gonna be alright, but like I said before, I wasn't a fucking breeder. "We don't have locks on our doors," I continued, "and I'm not with you because I have to be," the tone in my voice was hard and I tried not to flinch as I saw Sunshine physically recoil. "I'm with you because I want to be, and if I want to go out and fuck my brains out then that's my decision." Of course it was my decision, I didn't spend my entire childhood working for a scholar ship to get away from my parents to start answering to some twink. I leant down and kissed him softly and I think his body couldn't help but respond."Now, you can either come with me, or butt the fuck out."

Justin walked backwards, away from me, his eyes were hard and tears of anger were spilling down his face. "What about me?" He asked softly, "am I supposed to wait for you forever?"

"What the fuck about you?" I asked incredulously, "I'm not gonna change my whole fucking life for a piece of blonde boy ass." Of course I knew that wasn't true, Justin meant more to me than he could ever know, and I had to stop my eyes from twitching in pain as I watched his mouth fall open and his eyes freeze at my comment, but I stood my ground, offering no condolences.

"Fuck you." He said softly, his breathing shaky.

"Planning on it." I said cockily and immediately walked to the loft door, leaving Sunshine staring after me.

In the lift on the way down I bit my fist, struggling to control my emotions. I was upset and angry, I was angry because I was upset and I was angry at Justin and I was angry at myself. All I'd done was say that I was going to Babylon, something we usually did every night anyway. I slammed my fist against the wall, breathing heavily. Why couldn't I tell Sunshine that I loved him? Why in the fuck was it so hard?

The constant thumpa thumpa of Babylon was one of the most relaxing things in my life. As soon as I stepped into Babylon I didn't have to think about anything, none of the shit that my life dished out to me. The music was pulsing so loudly that you couldn't think about anything else. The coloured, strobe lights danced on the semi-naked bodies as seemingly millions of beautiful men gyrated to the controlling bass. I reached out and ran my hand over the perfectly sculpted chest of one of them, who had been noticeably checking me out across the dance floor. My predatory side had immediately kicked in and I'd crossed the dance floor to capture my prey. I would never admit to anyone that I was beginning to get tired of the game; it was way to fucking easy to get whoever I wanted, and I also knew that I wouldn't even remember the nameless, faceless trick the next day. It would mean absolutely nothing to me and I was pushing away the only person that did.

I grabbed him around the waist and he grinned in anticipation as I dragged him into the backroom. I wasn't even sure why I was doing this, I just needed release, it was my fucked up way of getting pointless escape and it bored the hell out of me. The lesbian part of my brain wished that it was Sunshine I was dragging in with me. I wanted to feel his lips on my skin and throw myself on my knees and beg his forgiveness. I couldn't help laughing at myself, that E I'd taken must have really gotten to my head.

"What's so funny?" Asked the trick, as I shoved him up against the wall. My attention was momentarily caught by the numerous men climaxing around me, I'd always been so turned on in the back room, just watching the bodies and hearing strangers moaning in pleasure. The atmosphere was simply sex, somewhere I could thrive.

"Oh, nothing buddy." I answered heartlessly. I wished they didn't have to talk, but I suppose prowling around Babylon and the baths, tricks talking to you was the only way to be sure that what you were fucking was alive. I was always as dominant and as vocal as I could be, holding nothing back, so I would never end up like that. Who gives a fuck what they thought of me anyway? They were lucky to have me.

I looked down as I realised that the trick had undone the buttons on my shirt and was licking a path down my chest. I tried not to chuckle, it wasn't everyday you got foreplay in the backroom. But it wasn't something I wanted. I brought his face up to mine and he grinned in anticipation, he probably thought I was gonna kiss him. He'd be disappointed though, even though I sold myself as a heartless shit, I was a man of my word, I wasn't about to break Sunshine's rules, no matter how much he'd broken them himself.

I put my hands on the tricks shoulders and pushed him down, immediately understanding the direction my thought process was going in, he dropped to his knees and undid the button on my jeans. I leant my head back against the wall as the familiar pleasure consumed me. This trick was actually particularly gifted in the oral sex area, nowhere near to the standard of Justin, but I hadn't had a blowjob from a trick this good in a while. I could feel the familiar tightening in my stomach and let out a long moan as my climax shattered through my body. The trick came up to meet me as I came back down to Earth, I was impressed. He seemed to know that my orgasm had been pretty amazing too, as he had a smug grin plastered to his face.

"You like that?" He asked me, and I had to laugh, that was my line.

"You have a special talent." I told him, reaching to do up my pants. He stopped me from walking away.

"Don't leave yet." He told me.

I chuckled again. "Sorry, no deposits, no returns."

"That's not why I want to talk to you." He said seriously. I rolled my eyes, I hoped this trick wasn't gonna get funny.

I shrugged at him, waiting for him to talk. He took out his card and handed it to me, I took it with no intention of keeping it. "Give me a call."

"Sure." I said, turning to walk away, until he stopped me again.

"I want you to call me again because I'm a Doctor." He informed me, I raised an eyebrow and stared at him.

"You have a lump on your left testicle." He told me, and the world, as I knew it, crumbled around me. He was saying something about seeing my Doctor ASAP, but I wasn't listening. I walked away slowly and leant against one of the walls for support. I tried to grip the wall but there was no strength in my hands, my brain must have been in shock because I couldn't think of anything. I could only process one thought.

I've got cancer, I've got fucking cancer. Shit.

...

It had been a few days since I'd spoken to Dr. Blowjob, and I hadn't been to see a Doctor yet. 99% sure I had cancer, why in the fuck did I need to prove it, Justin and I hadn't spoken about our argument, in fact, I'd barely spoken to him. It seemed to me like Justin was walking around like I was a ticking time bomb, expecting another blow. I'd been unnecessarily harsh to him the other night, but there was no way I could tell him I (might) have cancer. He was gonna leave me eventually anyway, but I guess I was just trying to prolong his stay.

I was sat at my computer desk, trying to concentrate on my new presentation but my mind and my hand kept drifting to my ball.

I could definitely feel the lump. It was hard and it hurt.

I wondered what would happen, what my chances would be. All I knew was that I couldn't tell anyone. My perfection was all I had in the world. I gasped in pain when my hand grazed across the lump and it stung. I saw Justin stare up at me, a look of concern in his eyes. I just pretended it didn't happen and turned back to my computer.

I internally sighed as I heard him padding across the loft towards me. He placed his soft hands on my shoulders and began massaging out the kinks. I couldn't help but succumb to the feeling for a few moments.

"Are you okay?" He asked me softly.

I sighed. "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?"

Justin sighed slightly. "You just...haven't been yourself for the past few days." He leant his head down next to mine and kissed my cheek softly, I had a funny feeling that I was forgiven for the other night. I put my arm around his neck and pulled him closer, we met in a kiss. He laughed against my lips and his hand began to travel down my chest. I pulled his hand away from me before it could reach its destination and looked angrily at him, my eyes met his shocked ones.

"What are you doing?" I asked him in a hard voice.

Justin shrugged slightly, confused. "Trying to touch you." He whispered in my ear.

I stood up aggressively and Justin stumbled back slightly from the momentum.

"Well, don't try!" I half-shouted.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Asked Justin.

_What the fuck was wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me, Sunshine. I have this thing inside of me and if it stays there, it's gonna kill me._

"Nothing." I eventually responded. I crossed the loft and grabbed my leather jacket.

Justin followed me to the door. "Where are you going?" He demanded.

I didn't even answer him before I walked out of the loft and slammed the door in his face.

...

I sniffed the substance and the hit went straight to my brain. I rode it as I swayed to the thumpa thumpa of Babylon. Downing the remains of my 6th beer I veered off into the dance floor. I could barely make out shapes and colours anymore. My sole intention as soon as I had left the loft was to come to Babylon and get as drunk and as high as I possibly fucking could.

And it worked.

That stupid fucking kid. He got me so angry I couldn't control myself. Why couldn't he just leave me the fuck alone and deal with his own shit. I looked up to the strobe lights and my eyes began to flutter. All I could see was Sunshine. All I wanted to do was to be with him. But this fucking _cancer _would probably take me out before I had the chance.

_Just like your Ol' man, hey Sonny Boy?_

A voice in the back of my head said. I physically jumped from shock. I must have been tripping, either that or I always knew that old son of a bitch would come back to haunt me.

I didn't wanted to end up like Jack Kinney, my good-for-nothing fucking father. I wasn't gonna die some old diseased hate-filled son of a bitch just because he had. My breathing came out in harsh, shallow gulps as I realised I actually had people to live for...like..._Mikey._

"Brian!" I could hear his voice as I thought about him. "Brian! Brian! Brian!"

Christ, couldn't my brain shut the fuck up with crazy hallucinations for one night, it was starting to give me a headache.

"Brian! Are you okay! Ben, I think he's tripping!"

Brought harshly out of my drug-induced haze and brought back down to Earth with a resounding "thud", I suddenly realised I wasn't day dreaming, I looked to see Mikey and the Professor staring at me.

"Hey, Mikey." I drawled, throwing one of my arms around him.

"Brian, what did you take?" He asked me.

I shrugged, I couldn't remember now, anyway.

"Where's Justin?" Asked Michael.

I rolled my eyes, I didn't keep tabs on the fucking kid. "How should I know?" I answered. "Probably at home, washing his socks." I laughed at myself.

"Right, that's it, I'm taking you home." I vaguely heard him say, before drifting back of into drug la la land.

...

Michael was wrapping a duvet cover around me, I was aware of that much.

"Get some sleep." Michael instructed softly.

I nodded and practically fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I thought about Michael, and Justin , and my father, and Cancer and Gus. I felt the tears cascading down my face as I fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.

When I finally woke up the next day my head was a lot clearer. I had a lot of gaps in my memory. Michael filled me in on the details as we ate breakfast, I contented myself by drowning myself in coffee.

"Maybe you should call Justin," Michael suggested eventually. "Tell him where you are, that you're safe."

I instinctively rolled my eyes, I wanted to tell Michael that I didn't have to report my whereabouts to the kid, but then it occurred to me that I didn't want to face Justin.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "I really pissed him off last night." I admitted to Michael.

I looked up and saw Michael staring worriedly at me. "You should apologise to him." He suggested, I think maybe he'd gotten to that point where he realised that there was no point asking what had happened, because it always really amounted to the same God damn thing.

I didn't answer him, I just stared at the wall behind him. "Michael..." I began slowly, "what would you do...if something happened to me?"

"Something happened to you?" Asked Michael, instantly worried, I regretted asking him.

"Why, are you okay?" He asked, eyes filled with worry.

"Mikey..." I began, but he cut me off.

"Oh my God." His hands flew to his mouth. "You're positive." He whispered, tears spilling down his face.

My eyebrows shot up, it never occurred to me that people would assume that. "No, no, no. Mikey, I'm not positive." I said immediately. Michael stared at me for a long moment.

"You scared the shit out of me!" He said finally.

"You scared the shit out of me!" I retorted, and we both laughed slightly. I decided to re-phrase my question. "No, I guess...what I'm asking you is, will you always stay with me no matter what?"

"Of course I will." Michael answered, he leant over the table and hugged me. I held onto him tightly, but not so tightly that he'd think something was wrong. I swallowed. Yep, unlike my dear old dad, I had some things to live for, there was no way I was gonna leave Mikey for anything.

_Come on, Kinney, _I had to tell myself, _swallow down that motherfucker. _

That "motherfucker" being my fear, and my pride.

...

"Mr. Kinney, I can confirm that you have testicular cancer." Said the Doctor.

I closed my eyes and let it wash over me, that fear, that dread, that sense of helplessness. When I finally opened my eyes I saw my Doctor staring at me sympathetically, I could have punched him.

"What are my chances?" I asked softly, barely any strength in my voice.

"Well," began the Doctor, standing up. "With surgery, by way of removing the infected testicle, 99%."

I shuddered for a number of reasons, those were fucking good odds, but a fucking big sacrifice.

"So, I'll be a one ball wonder?" I asked him.

"Oh, no, we replace the testicle." He informed me. "Here."

I almost laughed aloud when he handed me the box of ball-shaped pieces of plastic. I picked one up tentatively and was surprised, it certainly felt like my ball, well, minus one terrifying lump. I had to close my eyes again, I tried to picture this imitation piece of plastic in the place of what should be rightfully there. The thought made me feel physically fucking sick.

"You'll be glad to know that neither your sexual performance or your fertility will be affected."

I had to blink. My sexual performance wouldn't be affected?

Was it actually possible to be less frightened of cancer when it's confirmed you have it?

"And if I don't opt for surgery?" I asked inevitably.

"Then the cancer will spread to your abdomen, infect your vital organs and you will die." I gulped subtly. I had to dip my head and closed my eyes as the images of sharp knives and operating tables monopolized my imagination.

...

I walked back into the loft lifelessly. I told the Doctor I'd go into surgery, but even then, there was still a chance I might die and I'd lose a ball from it. Then I'd feel sick as shit for weeks with radiation therapy. If I'd started the day with any kind of buzz, it would be dead by now.

"Hey." Said Justin softly as I walked into the loft. "Are you okay?" He was staring at me like he was expecting another argument and that in itself pissed me off. But as I looked at him, I realised he was one of the main reasons I was getting this surgery. That, and to prove to God that I wasn't some pussy he could write out whenever he felt like it. I reached out and touched Justin's face, revelling in the smooth, familiar feel, his eyes fluttered at the contact. I wondered if I should tell him, I knew he'd want to know, but Justin loved me because I was perfect, and I didn't want to take that away from him.

"I'm fine." I answered softly, smiling slightly. He smiled his million watt smile back up at me and I honestly felt warmer , happier.

"I'm sorry." I said, in a voice that was barely audible, Justin stayed silent for moment, I could see his eyes fill with emotion.

"It's okay." He answered, and I could hear the happiness in his voice. "It's okay." He repeated softly, sounding overwhelmed, and stroking my back, like he was trying to comfort me.

I was actually grateful for that.

I leant in and kissed him softly, trying not to let the tears escape. "It's late," I said softly, "you should try and get some sleep."

...

I didn't sleep that night, I just stayed awake and stared at Justin as he slept, holding him close.


	2. Chapter 2: Proud and unpredictable

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: rated M for strong language, drug use, adult scenes and real-life issues.

Chapter 2: Proud and unpredictable

J POV

When he came to bed tonight he just kissed me and turned over again. What the fuck? Brian and I haven't had sex for days. I didn't quite know how to approach him about it, whenever I tried to talk to him he'd blow me off, or laugh, or tell me everything was fine.

Maybe he just didn't find me attractive anymore?

The next day, Brian was sat on the sofa going through some presentation boards for his new account, I sauntered over quietly, hoping to God he was in a good mood.

"Hey." I said.

"Hey." He said, without looking up. I sat down next to him and noticed the worried look he had etched across his face. "Is something wrong with the boards?" I asked him tentatively.

He surprised me by looking up suddenly, his eyes looked so distant it shocked me.

"Just...err...the presentations for the new Remson account." He told me, before smiling slightly, I smiled reassuringly back. He turned back to his work and I got up and walked to the kitchen, my smile was gone. In all of the 3 and a half years I'd known Brian Kinney I had never known him to act this way. He was acting so inconsistently, when he wasn't angry or erratic he was worried and distant, and he was always pre-occupied. Just then talking to him, did Brian Kinney fucking stutter?

I went into the fridge and got out a soda, there must be something he wasn't telling me. Maybe he'd gotten some bad news, maybe his mother...?

I did a mental check list in my head; Michael was okay, Lindsay was okay, Gus was okay, I was okay...I snorted in laughter at that last one, like Brian would give a fuck if anything happened to me, I mean, of course he cared about me. I mean, what other reason would he have to save my life and look after me and give me anything? But I doubted that anything relevant to my life would have him practically depressed for days.

I stopped what I was doing immediately. Depressed? Did I really think Brian was depressed? I sneaked a quick glance over to him. No, I decided, shaking my head, he wasn't depressed, he just wasn't...quite right.

Then suddenly, another thing decided to materialize itself in my head. Michael was okay, Lindsay was okay, Gus was okay and I was okay, that covered the basis of people Brian gave a shit about, but was _he _okay?

I was instantly filled with worry, I snuck another glance over to Brian, he was standing now, looking at some of the presentations in the light. I looked over his body, he was standing tall, he looked the same as ever. And of course, I'd seen him get undressed and shower over the past couple of days. He seemed fine.

My head was in knots from confusion and wonder, maybe, just maybe, if I was subtle enough, I could talk it out of him, and even if he did get pissed and shout at me again, I wasn't gonna give up, I loved him too much.

I walked back over to him and held the soda out. "I got you a drink." I said simply, wondering what I could say to start this conversation, and wondering where it would lead.

He stared at the soda can for a long moment and then he stared at me. "Why?" He asked.

I laughed slightly. "'Cause I thought you might be thirsty," I said, "and, you look a little tired."

I nearly fell back in shock when he stood up suddenly and knocked the can out of my hand, it flew partially across the loft floor and smashed against one of the pillars, when it hit the floor, its contents spilled out slowly. I stared at it in shock.

And then I stared at Brian, he was breathing harshly and he looked very frustrated.

This just added to my list of concerns, I knew Brian better than he liked, and I knew that Brian was a lover, not a fighter. I'd never seen him be violent before (except when he'd get a little rough in bed, but, hey, no complaints there) and I'd never seen him react so fucking quickly to something so fucking small.

"I don't need anyone to look after me." He said in a hard voice.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled slowly, softly. I looked down to the floor and heard Brian sigh. Suddenly, I felt his soft fingers on my chin and he eased my face up to his. "I didn't, mean it like that." He said, sounding almost ashamed. Brian fucking Kinney didn't do ashamed either.

I stroked my hands across his face, it felt like I was dealing with a calming lion. Strong, beautiful, proud and unpredictable. I smiled fondly as I realised that if the English dictionary had a definition for Brian Kinney, that's probably what it would be.

"Is something funny?" Asked Brian.

I shook my head. "Of course there isn't." I assured him, I took a deep breath, "Brian, I'm just a little worried about you." I admitted.

He laughed his little superior laugh, something I should probably find annoying but, in truth, I'd always kind of loved it. "Well, don't worry your blonde little head about me," he said, "I'll be just fine."

I couldn't help smiling, that kind of statement was so Brian Kinney, so very _normal._

"Listen, Justin..." he began. This kind of shocked me, he hardly ever really used my name, then it shocked me how I'd never found that weird. It never really occurred to me, I was just _Sunshine._

"Are you listening?"

"Yes, I'm listening." I said, I'd never figured out why he did that.

"I'm gonna need you to look after the Loft for me next week." He said.

I blinked a few times. "Err...sure." I began, "but...why?"

"I'm going to Ibiza." He said, not looking at me. My face fell.

"You're...you're going to Ibiza? Why?"

"Because I want to." He said simply, of course that would be the fucking reason.

There was just two things I couldn't get over, 1, Brian never just _took off _like that, and 2...

"You're going without me?" I asked softly.

"Yes, I'm going without you!" He damn near exploded. "I don't need your permission to go somewhere, we are not fucking married!"

I stared up at him for a long moment.

"Your right," I said finally, "you're absolutely right," and I agreed with every word I was saying, I couldn't make Brian do anything he didn't want to do. _The untameable beast, _but it was one of the reasons I loved him so much, if Brian needed to run off on his own for a few days, it might do him some good.

I decided maybe I should try and switch tactics, or to simplify, talk to Brian in a _language _he was familiar with, I closed my eyes for a second, reminiscing about how oh so familiar he was with it.

"Come to bed." I said softly, wrapping my arms around Brian's neck and bringing my face up to his. He kissed me almost urgently, which meant he was in one of his "dominant" moods which was always great for me. I loved being dominated, controlled by this man. And I loved the way it asserted his position and power. Brian _fucking _Kinney was top dog and that was fact.

I felt his strong arms wrap around me and pull me tighter against him and I smiled in anticipation against his lips. I quickly made work of the buttons on his shirt and slid it to the floor, I slid my hand under the waist of his jeans and fingered the hem of his underwear...

"Sunshine, stop." I heard suddenly. I immediately looked up to Brian, he couldn't be blowing me off _again. _It honestly made me frustrated, he hadn't been inside of me for _days. _There was only so much of this "not being fucked into oblivion by Brian Kinney" shit I could take.

"Brian..." I began , but stopped as soon as I looked into his eyes. Were there...? Were there tears in his eyes?

"Brian..." I asked again, voice suddenly soft and full of worry, I reached up and touched his face, my annoyance instantly gone, "Brian...?"

"I'm fine." He said quickly, taking my hands off of his face. He rubbed his nose. "I'm gonna go take a shower." He said, turned on his heel, and just left me there staring at him.

...

"And then he just went and took a fucking shower!" I moaned to Lindsay, concluding my story. She smiled sympathetically at me as we pushed Gus through the park.

"So, you and Brian are having a rough spot?" She grinned.

"It's not a rough spot!" I said dramatically, "something is _wrong."_

She considered. "Well, the way you've been describing his behaviour does seem very strange," she admitted, but then she looked at me, "but you do know that whatever the problem is, if there is one, Brian is gonna deal with it on his own."

"I know that," I said glumly, looking at the floor, "but it doesn't mean I have to like it, and I guess, after we got back together, after he _finally_ starting admitting we were partners, we might act a bit more like it."

Lindsay smiled knowingly. "Brian loves you." She reminded me, touching my cheek affectionately, "as much as he doesn't want to admit it."

"I know." I answered honestly, I _knew _Brian loved me, and he showed it to me, everyday. I came to that conclusion a long time ago. Not everything was three words and romantic gestures, I shuddered slightly at the memory of my _romantic _fling. Real love was completely your own, it wasn't text book. Real love wasn't Ethan showering me with roses and us making love under the stars. _Real love_ was Brian taking Emmett's arms from around me and pulling me to him, _real love _was Brian giving me one casual glance that could set my body on fire and make me feel giddy, _real love _was Brian entwining our fingers together as he came inside of me.

Real love was the way I felt with Brian, and no one else could ever make me feel that way.

I squinted my eyes in thought, "do you reckon Brian could be...the one?" I asked, feeling like an idiot.

Lindsay nodded.

"I do," she said, "your relationship with Brian isn't conventional, and you couldn't write a million love songs out of the things you say to each other, but Brian is the one who means the most to you, in the whole world, and you want his face to be the first thing you see when you wake up every day."

I smiled to myself, I guess I did, didn't I?

"And I just know you're gonna stick by him, no matter what happens."

I was instantly worried again. "How could I not?" I asked, "I just...I don't understand...what could cause him to act this way?"

Lindsay's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "He doesn't usually just take off like that." She said finally.

"I'm just confused," I said, "I mean, going to Ibiza...it's just so, sudden, and random, and _secret,_ in fact, I'm not even sure why he's going."

"Well, the thing you have to remember is that Brian is impossible to figure out," Lindsay reminded me, "and that's a part of his charm."

I stopped walking for a minute as I considered that.

This was very like Brian to act this way, and suddenly, I didn't understand why I was so upset. I _loved _him _completely_ because of who he is, because of the things he does. So if he went and suddenly changed, and became overly loving and caring and _romantic _and stopped doing all of these unpredictable things, he wouldn't Brian Kinney anymore.

I love Brian Kinney.

And I wouldn't love him if he were _anything less _than what he is.

...

"Brian, a "Mr. Taylor" is here to see you." The substitute buzzed him through the machine. I rolled my eyes, _Come back from holiday soon, Cynthia._

"Send him in." I heard Brian say back, the assistant let me in Brian's (former bath house) office. It was certainly a very "Brian Kinney" style "fuck you" to the competition.

Brian was working at his desk, he looked like he was going through paper work. I refrained from smiling sympathetically, because that would probably just earn me another one of his glares. I walked up to his desk and he looked up at me and smiled briefly.

"Hey," I said in greeting, "I don't mean to disturb you."

"It doesn't matter." He said, "the beauty of being your own boss."

We laughed for a moment.

"Look, I know you're leaving tonight..." I began as he stood up and crossed to the table.

"And why does that concern you?" He asked harshly, spinning on one foot and glaring at me. My eyebrows shot up in shock. I walked up to him.

"Brian..." I began, "if I've done anything, or said anything, to piss you off...I didn't mean to."

He sighed and looked down, and then pulled me in for a hug. "It's not you." He said, kissing me softly, "I'm sorry if it's come across that way."

When the hug ended I pulled back in relief, at least there was that.

"I just came to say goodbye." I said, and he nodded at me. "And..." I began, "I just wanted to say that, you go to Ibiza, and, do whatever it is you have to do." I smiled, "I just want you to know that I love you, and I'll be here when you get back."

Brian smiled slightly in understanding and I leant up and kissed him softly, savouring his smell. I gave him a small wave and left the office, planning in my head what little surprise I should set up for Brian when he gets back.

...

B POV

Shit. I rubbed my eyes. He just told me that he loved me, and he'd be here when I got back. What if I didn't _come back?_

I pushed those thoughts out of my mind as I went to my desk and retrieved my plane ticket.

John Hopkins hospital.

I rested my head in my hands, I actually wanted Sunshine to be coming with me. Why in the fuck did I want that? So he could hold my hand in the waiting area? Brian Kinney, you fucking lesbian, you actually care that you don't want to scare him.

I was going to have my ball removed in some fucking hospital and I was worried about how the kid would feel?

I could feel the anger bubbling up inside my stomach. The conflicting thoughts battling with each other.

_Why don't you just tell him?_

_Why do you even care?_

I grabbed the nearest thing, one of the lamps in my office, and smashed it with force to the ground, I swept everything off of my desk in anger and smashed the fruit bowl on the glass table to the ground.

I leant against my desk as I tried to control my breathing, my out-of-control-bitch-flip seemed to have subsided. Before I could destroy anything else I grabbed my coat, my briefcase and my plane ticket and walked out of Kinnetik.

I was sad Cynthia was on holiday, because if I didn't make it, I couldn't even wave goodbye to her as I left the office.

...

I was strapped to the fucking cold table and the oxygen mask was around my head, digging into my skin. The amount of oxygen they gave me was making me fucking high. I wondered if you did have random hallucinations when you went under, well, I was about to find out.

Maybe I should have gone to the hospital chapel and tried to atone for my sins? I would have laughed if it weren't for the mask:

No excuses, no apologies, no regrets.

I'd never been on an operating table before, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect. Sure Dr. Know it all and Nurse. Sympathy had spent two hours explaining it to me but, it was one of those, learn on the job, things.

"Okay, Mr. Kinney, relax and count backwards from ten."

I breathed heavily.

_10, the first time I'd seen Gus, lying in Lindsay's arms, she'd smiled up at me..."Come say hello to your son.."_

_9, "love you," said Michael, in his comic book store. "Me too," I answered, "always have, always will..."_

_8, "I just want you to know that I love you," Sunshine had said, smiling that smile, "and I'll be here when you get back..."_

I felt everything going hazy around me and had one last conscious thought as I went under.

_I wonder what God is gonna do with me. _


	3. Chapter 3: Sunshine land

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for strong language, drug use, adult themes and real-life issues.

Sorry for the long wait, guys, real life kinda got in the way and had some computer troubles. Hope you enjoy x Reviews much appreciated x

Chapter 3: Sunshine land

J POV

I looked up immediately as Brian walked into the diner, I couldn't help the smile spread across my face, he was home now. He was wearing a thick coat and sunglasses, I frowned, not exactly flattering. I watched him sit down next to Mel, Ted and Emmett and I was itching to run over there and greet him, but the guy I was waiting on was taking forever to make a fucking order. I glanced between Brian and the table I was waiting on nervously, he hadn't seen me yet.

_Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on_ I chanted inside my head, bouncing slightly on one foot.

"I'll have..." He began finally, slowly.

_Finally! _I exclaimed in my head, but then nearly screamed in frustration when Debbie cut him off.

"Hey, Sunshine, do you need to use the bathroom?" She shouted across the diner, laughing. This seemed to get everyone's attention, including Brian.

He looked over to me, directly at me and smiled softly. My insides melted slightly as I smiled back and just stared at him stupidly for what felt like forever. But I wouldn't have noticed, I hadn't seen him in too long, and he really was beautiful...

"Hey!" Said the guy, bringing me out of my Brian-bubble, I looked down at him and he was looking crossly back up at me. "Are you gonna take my order?" He asked.

"Sorry." I said slowly, looking down. When he told me his order I wrote it down and nearly crashed into Debbie in my haste to get it through. She smiled at me knowingly.

"I'll take care of it," she said softly, "I think it's time for your break."

I kissed her on the cheek and then practically ran over to where Brian was sat with our friends.

"You don't have much of a tan." I heard Mel say.

"Yeah, it rained every day." Brian answered easily.

"That must of sucked." I said sympathetically.

He grinned up at me. "Yeah, but in a positive, life-affirming way."

I couldn't help smirking. "So, how was it? Did you have fun?"

Brian nodded slightly, I frowned as I realised he was moving quite stiffly.

But I was brought out of my thought process as I glanced down at my watch. "Oh shit!" I exclaimed, "I have to get to class!"

"Have a good day, baby!" Debbie called over, signalling for me to go. I took off my apron and grabbed my rucksack.

"Do you want a lift?" I stopped what I was doing and turned slowly to face Brian.

"What?" I asked softly.

"I asked if you wanted a lift." He repeated, staring at me as if I were special.

"Err...sure." I accepted, my body flushing with pleasure at his attention. I followed Brian outside and got into the passenger side of the Corvette. We drove in silence for a while, I kept sneaking glances at Brian, wondering if he felt better now.

"The...err...the loft is okay." I said finally, dumbly.

He spared me a quick glance. "Thanks for looking after it."

"You're welcome." I answered, smiling. "I'm glad you're back." I said, before quickly adding on; "I mean, I'm glad you had a good trip. I hope you got whatever it was out of your system."

I saw the sides of his lips pull up into a slight smile. "Oh, it's out alright."

I frowned in confusion, did he sound sort of smug? Was I imagining it?

When we pulled up outside PIFA, I went for the door handle. "By the way..." he began, stopping me before I could get out of the 'Vette, I turned back to him.

He paused for a minute, but he was smiling. "I missed you."

My smile could have blinded him, I suddenly felt more alive, more confident. "Prove it." I said playfully.

He pulled me towards him and kissed me softly on the lips. I got lost in Brian's touch, smell, taste for a moment, but when he pulled away I grinned. I wished he wasn't wearing his sunglasses so I could look into his hazel eyes.

"You're gonna have to do better than that." I berated playfully. He mock-sighed and pulled me towards him again, the kiss was longer this time. I suddenly realised how much I'd missed kissing Brian, it had only been a week but it felt like a lifetime. And we hadn't made love for even longer than that, and that was starting to take its toll on me. _Made love, _I scoffed myself.

When the kiss ended I laughed, I knew I was pushing my luck but I just wanted him to kiss me again. "I'm still not convinced."

Brian grinned slightly and then curled his strong arms around my waist and practically pulled me into his lap. He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me towards him with a power and dominance I think he knew I loved. He pressed his lips firmly yet gently against mine and kissed me passionately, he then began to lick my bottom lip, asking for entrance, which I granted. He began to massage my tongue with his own and I threw my arms around him, pulling myself closer to him and deepening the kiss. Before I knew it, I was going hazy with desire and lust, and a lack of air. I pulled back for breath and I saw Brian staring at me smugly. The sight of him nearly took my breath away, slightly dishevelled hair where I'd run my fingers through it and red, swollen lips where I'd kissed him. He was so fucking beautiful it actually hurt to know that I had to get out of the car.

"Okay." I gasped getting my breath back. "I believe you."

He grinned slightly. "I'll see you later." He said.

I grinned as I stepped out onto the pavement. "Later."

As I watched the Corvette speed away down the street, my earlier worry began to creep back into my mind. As much as I loved to hear him say it, Brian would never have gone to Ibiza, partied all night and fucked probably hundreds of beautiful guys and missed _me._ Something was wrong Brian, and I knew it. You didn't just (practically) be with someone for years and not pick up on these things. As I walked to my class I wondered if I'd be able to concentrate on much else.

...

B POV

As I watched Justin get out of the 'Vette and close the door behind him, I momentarily let my face fall into my hands. Why didn't I just tell him?

As I turned the car around and sped off down the street, I began to wonder what I _could _have told him. I have a fucking plastic ball but they have no idea if the cancer might come back or not? Maybe I'll tell him when I know I'm okay, I reasoned with myself. Some small part in the back of my brain decided to mutter "if."

_Shut the fuck up, brain! _I mentally shouted at myself. Great, now I'm crazy.

Admittedly, the surgery wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. As soon as I went under I was coming back up again, no hallucinations. I had a sore throat and in-between my legs hurt but that was about it. The only problem was that I turned my head slightly to the right and then I saw _it._ Lying on the metal table beside the operating one. My diseased, bloodied testicle. That was the cause for my consecutive vomiting for the next hour. Once the Doctor's had made sure I was okay they told me there was a chance I was experiencing some short term amnesia, and that things would come back to me soon enough. Although, I didn't remember forgetting anything, If that made sense.

It was on the flight back that my aesthetic-induced dream/hallucination decided to come back to me.

_I was sitting in a white room, it was shimmering white, and kind of pretty. In a weird way. When I moved, it made the air move. I spent a few minutes amusing myself by grazing my hand back and forth through the air. I looked up to see Michael and Lindsay, they'd apparently appeared from no-where, and they were smiling at me, that made me smile too._

"_Congratulations, Brian." Lindsay beamed, floating over to me in a shimmering white dress. _

"_Yeah, congratulations, Brian." Michael echoed, smiling. He, too, was wearing white clothes and it appeared like he was floating over to me. They both put their hands around me in a sort of weak hug. The areas of my body they touched turned pleasantly warm. _

_I couldn't help but blush at the compliment. "Oh, it was nothing." I shrugged off, body flushed with pleasure. My voice sounded kind of musical._

_I felt another hand on my skin and turned and saw Justin. He was smiling his smile that made him shimmer too, I decided that this must be Sunshine land._

"_You are everything, Brian." He told me softly. I leant forward and pressed my lips to his, he smiled happily as he kissed me..._

I parked outside Kinnetik as I relieved my crazy dream for what must have been the hundredth time. Sunshine land? Had my brain created an entire world inspired by Sunshine? Everything was floating and glittering, and everything was perfect.

_I _was perfect. I was everything.

But because I now knew I'd dreamt of Justin, it made sense now that I'd come too after surgery and wanted him there with me, but it didn't make sense that I'd wanted him right next to my bed, and how much I'd wanted to tell him how sorry I was for lying to him.

I huffed slightly as I walked into Kinnetik, sorry was bullshit, I had to remind myself, and I never promised the kid anything.

As I went to go straight for my office I was stopped by a familiar voice from behind me. "Morning, boss." Said Cynthia playfully.

I stopped in my tracks and turned around. "When did you get back?" I asked.

"A few days ago," she said casually, "where were yo..." but she didn't have time to finish her sentence because, for some reason I had decided to envelope her into a warm hug. She hugged me back for a minute, and then pulled away.

"Brian...are you okay?" She smirked.

"I'm just glad you're back." I said quickly, causing her to smile, "you 'no, 'cause the temp was terrible." I quickly clarified. She smiled knowingly.

I walked into my office so quickly I didn't hear her softly say, "I love you, too, Brian."

When I sat down on my desk I spent a minute composing myself and then picked up my work load. I glared at the board, like someone had put that there on purpose.

"Remson pharmaceuticals. The pill that will help you live for another day!"

I threw the boards down in anger. How in the fuck was I supposed to market that? If I didn't even know if _I _had that _long?_

_..._

J POV

It was lunch time and I was sat chatting to Daphne outside of PIFA, I couldn't really eat. I was more, picking at my bagel, than taking a bite of it.

I hadn't realised that Daphne had been staring at me the whole time. "You 'no, you seem really worried." She said finally.

I looked up at her and momentarily contemplated lying, but I didn't want to lie.

"Brian has been acting really strange, lately." I admitted, "I mean, stranger than usual."

"Well, has something happened to him?" Asked Daphne, as I glanced at her, I could see the flicker of worry in her eyes too, I liked that she cared about Brian.

"Maybe he got some bad news?" She continued.

"That's what I thought," I began, "but he hasn't." Then something occurred to him. "Well," I continued, "maybe." I turned to her, "Brian, never really tells me these things."

"Well, maybe you just need to make more of an effort to find out." Said Daphne, and I couldn't help smiling at her. Daphne has and always will be my crazy best friend, but every now and then she comes out with something profoundly wise.


	4. Chapter 4: Radiation retching

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for drug use, strong language, adult themes and real-life issues.

Chapter 4: Radiation-retching

B POV

I couldn't feel the nausea they said I would feel. But looking at the giant ray gun they had pointed directly at my nether regions did make me feel sick. I knew this would happen, I'd get through the surgery and then they'd burn my dick off.

I swallowed a few times and then I felt the nurse gently pull on my shoulder. "Mr. Kinney...?" She began softly, "Mr. Kinney...?"

"Yes?" I answered, giving her the shock of her life, I watched in amusement as she jumped back. "That's it for today, Mr. Kinney." She began, helping me into a sitting position. "You probably feel fine now, but you'll hit a wall around noon, nausea, cramps, the usual."

"Well, thank you, nurse." I answered sarcastically, but I don't think she picked up on it.

"Where do you work?" She asked abruptly.

I looked up at her and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Where do you work?" She continued, raising an eyebrow back, and I had to fight off the urge to laugh. Wow, I actually felt like laughing.

"CEO and President of Kinnetik advertising." I finally answered.

She whistled. "Nice. Well, then, Boss, you're giving yourself the week off."

"What?" I said, turning to her too sharply, I felt my stomach seize slightly, I grabbed my side in pain.

"Are you okay, Mr. Kinn...?"

"I'm fine!" I answered harshly. "Just tell me why I can't go to work."

"Mr. Kinney, you're in radiation, you just had an operation, you're body needs time to rest, to heal itself."

I growled slightly, yeah, I actually fucking _growled,_ and turned back to my original sitting position. First, I have cancer, then they fry what's left of it, and now I can't even fucking work.

"Do you have a partner?" She asked.

I laughed humourlessly. "Why the 20 questions?"

"Answer the question, Mr. Kinney."

I sighed grudgingly. "Yes." I answered finally.

"well, then, she can help to look after you, it's best to have people around just in case."

I turned back to her. "Well, I'm sure _he _can help look after me." She met my eyes for a second and then turned away, embarrassed. I shook my head slightly. Once again, I was the cancer patient, and I felt the need to protect Sunshine.

...

J POV

I looked up as Brian came home through the loft door, confused, I walked up to meet him.

"Hey," I began, "why aren't you at work?"

"The, err...I've decided to do some work at home this week, you 'no, rest...I mean...take some time out...break..." He walked past me and into the kitchen, I just stared after him, Brian _never _tripped over his sentences.

I immediately brightened up. "Hey, this means we can spend some time together!" I stated happily, pleased with this news. He just smiled softly at me.

"Yeah, I guess so." He said softly.

I walked up to him, deciding to take Daphne's advice. I put my arms on Brian's shoulders and began massaging out the kinks. Brian moaned softly and let his head fall back, and, honestly, I nearly came.

"How are you?" I asked him softly. "Is everything okay?" I felt Brian's shoulders immediately tense up again but then relax a moment later.

"I'm fine." He said softly, before turning to face me. "Really, I'm fine. I'm fine." He leant down and softly pressed his lips to mine. I got lost in Brian for a moment before I pulled back and smiled at him. My smile faltered slightly as I stared into Brian's eyes for the first time since he'd set foot into the loft.

"You 'no," I began, afraid I might anger him, "you look really tired." It was true, he did. The skin around his eyes looked sallower somehow, his eyes seemed happy but they weren't as bright as they usually were, the bags under Brian's eyes were only visible up close.

He breathed deeply and closed his eyes for a moment, I ran my finger up his cheek, I still marvelled that he let me touch him like that, that he let me come this close.

"Just jetlag," he offered softly, "from the flight yesterday."

I nodded slowly, that made sense. It explained why Brian was talking so softly and moving so slowly.

"Well," I began playfully, putting my arms around his waist. "I can help with that." I whispered, "why don't we..."

Brian suddenly stared at me in shock. "Hold the thought," he said quickly, "I really have to use the bathroom."

I chuckled as Brian practically bolted out of my arms and into the bathroom. That was a thing I'd picked up about Brian a long time ago, his pee's always liked to sneak up on him, he must have had the weakest bladder ever.

I went to the bedroom and took my top off. Maybe tonight would _finally _be the night Brian would _touch me_ again. I was craving it, I was going crazy.

Unable to resist, I snuck a quick glance in the bathroom, hoping to catch a glimpse of Brian naked, (hey, I'm a pervert, and proud of it) I faltered slightly when I saw that Brian was fully clothed, and bent _over _the toilet. Shuffling closer to the bathroom, I pressed my ear up against it.

Was that..._retching?_

That was definitely retching.

Brian was throwing up, and from the sound of it, quite painfully. It took all the strength I had to not run in there.

...

B POV

As I got out of bed the next day, my insides ached. I actually had to hold my sides. I was glad Justin was in the shower so he couldn't hear my groaning. I was going to have to think up another excuse and fast, this jetlag one wasn't going to last very long, and I didn't know how long they planned to keep me in radiation for.

I heard the shower stop as I went to get coffee, as loud as my sore throat would allow me to shout, I shouted;

"Hey, Justin, do you want to grab some breakfast at the diner?" There, maybe if we did some more _couple-y _things, he would stop suspecting things. Not being an idiot myself meant that I knew that Justin wasn't one. It wouldn't take long for him to discover what was going on. I almost felt bad about lying to him. I had to keep reminding myself that lying to him was protecting him, and every move I make is about protecting Sunshine.

"Well, I figured you'd want to lay off food for a while." Said Justin, walking into the kitchen with a towel wrapped around his waist. My thought process froze for a minute, I knew that our lack of physical intimacy was annoying him, but it was practically _killing_ me. I'd spent days, _weeks,_ having to resist Sunshine and all of his fucking _beauty._ I was fantasizing almost hourly about _throwing _him onto the bed and fucking him so hard he'd be begging me to stop, and when he begged, I wouldn't listen. I'd just keep going and he'd _love every fucking second,_ and he'd whimper and scream my name in ecstasy...

And then I wouldn't even be able to jerk off, so I was in sexual hell, as far as I was concerned. I hadn't come for _weeks. Fucking weeks._

The last time I hadn't come for weeks was before I realised what your cock was _for._

Shaking off my fantasy, what Justin said registered in my mind. "Why would I stop eating?"

"Well, because of all that vomiting you were doing yesterday." He answered in a hard voice, staring directly at me.

I stared at him in shock for a long moment and when I finally regained my thought process my defences went straight up.

"Why in the fuck were you spying on me?" I shouted angrily at him.

He stepped back slightly but the hardness never left his eyes. "I wasn't!" He argued back. "How could I fucking _miss_ it?"

I lowered my head slightly, unsure of what to say. Just because he heard me throwing up, didn't mean he knew I had cancer. I could tell him anything, I had food poisoning, my stomachs been funny, jetlag again...

"Brian," began Justin softly, pulling me out of my scheming, the concern in his eyes was almost painful to look at. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything was gonna be okay, but even if I did tell him everything was gonna be okay, that would have been a lie.

I'm really worried about you," he admitted, looking like he was struggling to get the words out. "You, you _know_ you can tell me anything..."

I could suddenly feel the anger bubbling up in my stomach again. Or what I hoped was anger and not round two of radiation-retching. I didn't need the fucking twinks' sympathy.

"I don't need you!" I retorted angrily, rising to my full height, "I don't need anyone!"

Justin walked backwards, and I could see the tears teasing his eyes, but I kept my stance.

He wasn't speaking, and I was actually starting to get nervous.

"Fine." He said finally, breaking the silence. He walked deftly to the bedroom and threw on some clothes and started throwing things into a small rucksack. What the...?

I followed him into the bedroom. "Sunshine... what are you doing?" I asked carefully.

He turned to me and startled me with the anger in his eyes and the angry tears cascading down his face. "You don't need anyone!" He mimicked, shouting my own words at me.

"You're leaving?" I asked softly.

"Oh, I'll be back." He assured me. "Once you calm. The. FUCK. Down." He walked straight up to me and said; "you can keep whatever fucking secrets you want from me, and you can do whatever the fuck you're doing on your own if that's what you want, but that doesn't give you the right to treat me like a fucking punching bag!" He was actually expelling a little spit from the force of his shouting.

"I love you!" He shouted, "and I'm not gonna give up on you! Maybe one day you'll get that through your _fucking head!"_

And with that, he walked straight past me and out of the door, slamming it behind him. I could do nothing but stare after him in shock for a few moments. But after a while, the reality of the conversation set in. I could do nothing but sit weakly down on my bed and wait for him to come back, come _home._

I didn't even bother to stop the tears sliding down my cheeks.


	5. Chapter 5: Almost

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for drug use, strong language, adult themes and real-life issues.

Chapter 5: Almost

B POV

I practically fell into the loft, my stomach was turning over inside me. I was about a week into radiation and I felt like I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

I was almost glad Justin wasn't here, because I had terrible bags under my eyes and my skin was as pale as his, I was vomiting every five seconds and when I wasn't rolling around in pain I was practically high on the high dosage pain killers they'd given me. So, I was almost glad Justin wasn't around to see me like this.

Almost.

I hadn't seen Justin since he'd walked out on me a week ago, mainly because I couldn't bring myself to leave the loft for anything except radiation. Which wasn't a particularly good thing because I was running dangerously low on poppers and alcohol.

And food too, I guess.

I thought that fucking homophobic nurse must have been exaggerating when she'd said I'd hit a wall. But it turns out she was the one down-playing it. I hadn't hit a wall, the wall had come to life; kicked me in the stomach, punched me in the face and shot me in the fucking head.

My stomach hurt, my head decided to take up the fucking drums, and my dick stung like no one's business. They'd given me cream to rub into it, to take the swelling down, but I wasn't brave enough to attempt that yet.

1, I didn't want to touch my poor little member for fear of more pain or that it might actually fucking _fall off._

2, I had a sneaking suspicion that a cool breeze would be enough to make me cum.

I rubbed my hand over my sore eyes as I made my way to the bathroom, my eyes stung from a lack of sleep. I was gonna have to get my strength back, and fast. Everyone was already asking questions about me, why wasn't I at Babylon, or the diner, or Kinnetik? My tactic for not answering the door when Mikey knocked every five fucking minutes was to pretend I wasn't there.

But even if I did start going out again while I was still in radiation, what was I supposed to do when people asked why I wasn't drinking, or taking drugs, or fucking everything that moves?

I laughed slightly at myself, maybe I could tell them I've started being monogamous with Sunshine.

Sunshine.

How could I tell people we were monogamous if I didn't even know what Sunshine and I _were_ anymore?

I'd contemplated going and talking to him, I'd lay awake all night wondering when he might walk through that door.

Were we over?

The totally poetic fucking irony that the only real reason I was doing this radiation was so I could be there for him, and I had never pushed him away more. Maybe if I wasn't so secretive he wouldn't have suspected anything? Maybe if I told him he wouldn't have left me, he might have stayed, he might still love me...

_Brian Kinney, you do not care if he loves you or not._

"Yes, I do." I sighed out load to no one in particular, "as much as I don't _do_ boyfriends, Justin is my partner, we made a commitment to each other."

I suppose the only reason I wasn't completely freaked out that I was talking out load to myself was that I had a very justifiable reason; I was the one who needed to be told.

After throwing up a few times and popping some industrial strength pain killers I crawled into my bed, throwing the pillow over my head I could feel my consciousness begin to fuzz over, I'm not sure I liked these pain killers, they made you hallucinate, and not in a good, "I'm high" kind of way.

"_Don't worry, I'll make sure you don't hallucinate." _

Justin's voice came out of nowhere.

"You will?" I mumbled hopefully.

"_Of course," he said, "like I said before, you don't have to tell me anything..."_

I sat bolt upright at this, Justin _had _said he didn't need to know. I was just being an asshole...but I wanted my Sunshine back.

...

J POV

I was sat on Daphne's couch willing the time away.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Daphne had tried to will me out of the apartment, with promises of hot men at Babylon, I laughed and told her I could have any man that I wanted.

I didn't know where Brian and I stood anymore, sometimes I regret walking out on him, and sometimes I almost think I was totally right and should leave him too it.

Almost.

I'd practically been sat here for a whole week, just waiting for Brian. I never wanted to admit it but I loved Brian more than fucking anything ever. The whole reason I'd been sulking for the past week was because I missed him, and the reason I felt so bad was because I'd run out on him when he'd obviously been in pain.

I looked towards the door when I heard a knock. I didn't want to answer the door to some more of Daphne's hetero friends and let them go crazy over Daphne's "awesome gay best friend."

And, to be honest, I looked pretty much a state, an old t shirt and sweats and my hair was sticking up at angles from my week of sleepless nights, tossing and turning in bed.

When the knocking persisted, I sighed, frustrated, and got up, at least this way I could tell whoever was there to fuck off.

I opened the door.

"Fu..." My curse died in my throat as I saw who was standing there.

Brian. A very tired, ragged looking Brian, but he was smiling; he was still beautiful.

"Hey." He said softly.

"Hey." I said stiffly.

He looked over me for a second, taking in my appearance. He cleared his throat, "Um...I called Daphne, I figured you'd be here."

"Well, well done Detective Kinney." I said sarcastically, raising my eyebrows.

He wasn't amused. "Can I come in?" He asked.

I contemplated slamming the door on him for a moment, but then it occurred to me that according to the guys, Brian hadn't been out in the last week. The fact he'd come to see me and gone to the effort to find me was a major fucking achievement. If I was totally honest, I wanted to jump on him and kiss him until his lips were swollen, but instead, I stepped aside without a word and let him through.

"You look like shit." I observed as he passed me.

The corners of his mouth pulled up into a small smile. "So do you."

I tried not to laugh but the smile broke through my barricade. He'd always been funny.

"Can I help you?" I asked.

"Justin," he began, and then stopped. He looked at the floor momentarily, but then he looked back at me, directly at me. Even in their tired state, his eyes were still piercing.

"I'm sorry." he said. I wasn't inaudible or with his eyes on the ground like his usual apologies, it was genuine, out there, and it sounded heartfelt. I didn't say anything, I just stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

"I was an asshole," he continued, "for treating you like I did, I was under a lot of stress and I never meant to hurt you, that's not an excuse, I know, there is no excuse, but it's the truth, and I know you appreciate that." He took a deep breath and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I don't want to lose you," he continued, "you mean...too much to me to not be in my life." His voice dropped an octave as he walked slowly closer to me.

"I should never have lied, but, I did it because...I was scared, there are some things going on in my life right now that I can't tell you about, because I need to deal with them on my own, but that doesn't mean I don't want you."

"What, does that mean?" I asked slowly, edging towards him.

"It means I want you to come home." Said Brian, staring directly into my eyes, and I could feel the tears spilling out of mine. "It's where you belong." He half-whispered.

I stared up at him, I had never been more touched by Brian's words than I had been right now.

That wasn't exactly an "I love you," but...

Almost.

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "It's okay," I assured him, "if there are things you can't tell me, because there are some things I can't tell you, but that doesn't mean you have to push me away." I stroked down his cheek as I said this.

"I know." He said, "forgive me?"

I stared into his adorable hazel eyes and laughed slightly, I leant up and kissed him, hunger finally sated, he kissed me back and neither of us said another word.

You see, in kiss talk, that meant "yes."

...

B POV

I approached Daphne's apartment door and knocked a few times, wondering what in the hell I was doing. I was doing what I wanted, I told myself, I wanted Sunshine back.

There was no answer for a minute, I considered ringing his cell. But Daphne had said he'd barely left the apartment all week..

Justin and I were very similar in some ways.

I knocked again until I could hear movement behind the door. The door suddenly opened and there stood Justin. And I saw him before he saw me, and I couldn't help smiling at what I saw, Justin's hair was all dishevelled and he was wearing clothes that were too big for him, making him look more innocent. I would never tell him, but he looked incredibly sexy.

"Fu..." He began, but then he saw it was me in the door way and his eyes widened slightly.

"Hey." I said softly.

"Hey." He said in a hard voice, obviously. I'd still be pissed at me. Justin looked stiff and defensive, I didn't like the aura coming off him at all, it was so different from his usual happy and carefree nature.

I suddenly understood what it must have been like for him, being around me.

I felt so incredibly guilty knowing I'd made Justin act this way, I over looked his form before I cleared my throat and spoke.

"Um...I called Daphne," I explained, "I figured you'd be here."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, well done detective Kinney." He said sarcastically, but I didn't feel like laughing.

"Can I come in?" I asked tentatively.

He surveyed me suspiciously for a long moment, almost like he was contemplating slamming the door in my face. As much as I hated to admit it, Justin and I had known each other so well and for so long that we knew each other's minds and bodies better than we knew our own, and Justin knew it, too.

I was expecting a face full of door, but instead he stepped aside without a word and allowed me in.

"You look like shit." He said randomly as I passed him.

I couldn't help but smile slightly. "So do you." I countered. Actually, he looked beautiful, he always looked beautiful.

He looked like he was trying to be too angry to laugh but his smile escaped slightly. That was one of my biggest and most prized achievements in my life, I wished I could put it in my résumé; I could make Sunshine laugh.

We stared at each other for a moment but then he said; "Can I help you?"

"Justin," I said, before I had decided what I was going to say, I looked at my feet for a second and then back up to him. "I'm sorry."

He stared at me and I stared back until I realised he was waiting for me to continue.

"I was an asshole for treating you like I did," I said finally, "I was under a lot of stress and I never meant to hurt you, that's not an excuse, I know, there is no excuse, but that's the truth, and I know you appreciate that."

I had rehearsed an entire speech of all of the things that I wanted to say but that was not what was coming out of my mouth, I didn't really know what I was saying, all I knew was that I meant every word. I took a deep breath before continuing.

"I don't want to lose you, you mean...too much to me to not be in my life." I lowered my voice slightly as I walked over to him, never breaking eye contact, the look of surprise in his eyes was almost amusing.

Almost.

"I should never have lied, but I did it because...I was scared." I admitted honestly, staring directly into Justin's eyes as I said it. I lowered my head a fraction of an inch. "There are some things going on in my life right now that I can't tell you about, because I need to deal with them on my own, but that doesn't mean I don't want you."

He walked closer to me, an unnameable emotion shining in his eyes.

"What, does that mean?" He asked me slowly, that meant he was listening to me.

"It means I want you to come home." I said, and I pulled back slightly when I saw the tears sliding down his face. I could suddenly name the emotion; he was _touched._

"It's where you belong." I half-whispered.

Before I knew it, he had thrown his arms around my neck and was hugging me. "It's okay," he began, lips inches from mine, I longed to taste them. "If there are things you can't tell me, because there are some things I can't tell you, but that doesn't mean you have to push me away." He stroked his hand down my cheek, God, I'd missed his touch.

"I know," I said, staring into his crystal blue eyes, I really knew, "Forgive me?" I asked stupidly.

He smiled his Sunshine smile, _my _Sunshine smile and the next thing I knew, we were kissing each other hungrily, and I took that as a "yes."

I couldn't say I was no longer alone in my suffering...

But, almost.


	6. Chapter 6: Scratching an itch

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for strong language, drug use, adult themes and real-life issues.

A/N: I think I should probably say that I got my inspiration for the title "Please God, let me take his place," from the song "Permanent" by David Cook, and the line; "So, I ask, Oh God is there some way for me to take his place." If anyone's interested! Lol x P.s I do not own that song.

Chapter 6: Scratching an itch

J POV

Ever since I had come back to the loft, everything had pretty much gone back to normal, Brian's moods were a lot better and he was being more of his old self again. I had decided that whatever was bugging Brian must have stopped.

I looked up as I heard him come back into the loft, I walked over to him, planning to kiss him so hard he'd have to beg me to stop.

"Hey..." I began in greeting, but my smile faltered when he turned to me. He had very noticeable dark shadows under his eyes. "Are you okay?" I asked, suddenly worried.

"I'm fine." He answered, smiling weakly.

"Are you not sleeping?" I asked, my hands immediately flying to his eyes.

He didn't wince when I ran my fingers softly over his skin, I satisfied myself that he wasn't in pain.

"Actually, I haven't been." He admitted, pulling into his arms.

"Is something wrong?" I asked him suddenly.

He sighed, looking down at the floor, and then he looked back up to me. "Ryder says that if I don't win the Brown Athletics account then he's going to fire me."

"What?" I exclaimed, outraged. "He can't do that!"

Brian smiled shallowly, "Yeah, he can. I've just been worrying about it, that's all."

I tried to hide how angry I was with his son of a bitch of a boss, he had no right to make Brian lose sleep, and be so tired he had no energy.

I put my arms around Brian and hugged him, snuggling my head in his chest. "I'm sure it's all gonna be alright." I assured him.

"I know," he whispered against my ear, "as long as you're here."

My body flushed in pleasure, and I couldn't help reaching up and kissing him.

...

"How's Brian?" The first words out of Michael's mouth whenever I stepped into the Liberty diner. I slide into a booth with him, Ted, Emmett and Lindsay.

"He's fine." I answered, that was always my answer.

"Well, sweetie," began Emmett, "He hasn't been out in weeks."

"He's really tired," I told them truthfully, "he's got dark shadows under his eyes."

"Oh my God!" Emmett exclaimed, "Is he okay?"

"He's fine," I half smiled, "his boss is threatening to fire him if he doesn't win an account, it's had him worried for days, he hasn't been sleeping well."

"Well, I'm sure Brian will pull it off," said Lindsay confidently, "he always does."

I smiled in agreement.

"You'd think his boss would have a little more consideration," said Michael, "considering he just got back from Ibiza!"

"He'll need another holiday after this." Ted laughed.

I grinned, "yeah, and hopefully I'll be there this time."

"Well, just send him our love, sweetie." Said Emmett, whilst Lindsay nodded in agreement.

"I promise." I said.

"And..." began Michael, "tell him to answer the fucking door!"

...

B POV

Well, that was a nasty little lie. But it explained why I was so tired all of the time, so it would have to do. I sighed and groaned as I pulled off my hospital gown and began putting my clothes back on.

"How are you feeling?" Asked the doctor.

I turned to him, "Like shit."

I heard him chuckle, "well, you'll be happy to know that tomorrow is your last radiation session."

If I'd had the energy, I would have done a victory lap around the room.

"And the cancer?" I asked finally.

"Oh, well, you seem fine, but we won't know for sure if the cancer will re occur in a month or even a year."

I looked up at him again. "And if it does?"

He smiled sympathetically at me. "Then we'll deal with it then."

I turned away and rolled my eyes.

_Thank you, Doctor, great fucking medical advice._

_..._

Let's just say I had an itch only Brian could scratch, and I had a feeling he was gonna scratch it tonight. He'd been out for a couple of hours and I was just sat on the sofa, idly touching myself and thinking about him.

I smiled when I heard the loft door open and close. I didn't stop what I was doing and I didn't look up as I heard Brian's footsteps coming closer. I smiled in joy and triumph when I heard a little intake of breathe. I looked up and met Brian's wide eyes as he stared at me, naked and touching myself.

"Hey," I said, in the most seductive voice I had, "my cock has been aching for you all day..." I shivered as I ran a fingertip along it to prove my point.

He visibly gulped and walked closer to me. He ran a hand through my hair and kissed me softly on the lips, before I had a chance to throw my arms around his neck he stepped back, I stared up at him.

"Not tonight." He said.

I nearly cried out in frustration, he turned to walk away but I was on my feet in seconds, the anger in my stomach.

"Don't walk away from me!" I shouted.

He turned back to look at me, he looked confused. "Sunshine...?"

I stared angrily at him, my fists clenched. "Why won't you fuck me anymore?" I asked angrily, almost desperately.

I couldn't name the emotion in Brian's eyes, first he looked to the floor, and then back up at me, and then it looked like he was trying to speak but the words wouldn't come out.

Before I knew it, the tears were spilling down my face, he looked alarmed and immediately crossed back over to me and took me in his arms.

"Sunshine..." he tried again, in a soothing voice, rocking me slightly.

I sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. "I..I...kn...knn...know what it...i..is..." I sobbed, and could swear I felt him tense up for a split second. "You don't find me attractive anymore!" I practically wailed.

Brian immediately held me at arm's length and looked straight into my eyes.

"Justin, that's not true." He assured me, his eyes ablaze with passion, he pulled me closer to him and ran his hands along my ass. "You're so fucking sexy," he growled into my ear, "I want you, I _always_ want you."

My body was practically aglow with Brian's words, I was on fire for him. I pulled back and stared into his eyes, shivering when I saw that his dilated pupils were steeped in lust.

"Really?" I asked happily.

In response, he pushed me down against the sofa and knelt between my legs, pulling my legs over his shoulders to give him better access to my dick.

I threw my head back in pleasure as I felt his breath along me, he started out with long, lazy licks across my cock, I was panting, he was teasing me, he felt so fucking good...

"More, please..." I ended up begging. He grinned up at me and then took the head of my cock in his mouth and began sucking, hard. I whimpered as his expert tongue worked its way along my member and nearly collapsed against the sofa when he moaned loudly around me.

Too soon after I was cumming, my climax roared through my body and I cried out as I saw the stars dancing around my eyes.

Brian crawled along my body and pushed me down on the sofa, lying on top of me. "You like that?" He asked, tongue in cheek. I pulled him down on top of me and kissed him with all of the power I owned, I could taste myself on his tongue.

Soon after, we were both lying in each others' arms in bed, maybe out exertions would be enough for him to have a good night's rest.

Then I was suddenly confused, _our _exertions?

Thinking about it, Brian didn't even cum. And also, Brian fucking Kinney barely ever gave blowjobs, even to me. I grinned as I realised that it was my turn to reciprocate. _This was gonna be fun._

I turned over and faced Brian, he smiled at me. I grinned and then starting kissing a path down his chest. He laughed slightly and then lifted my head off of him.

"No," he laughed, looking into my eyes, "that was just for you."

If I wasn't so concerned I would have laughed. "Since when do you turn down getting your dick sucked?" I ran a hand down his chest but, again, he stopped my actions.

"I'm, just a little tired." He smiled up at me apologetically, "sorry."

"No, it's, it's okay." I smiled, kissing him slightly, "I know you've been tired, try and get some sleep."

Not long after that, Brian had lulled off to sleep and I couldn't help staring at his beautiful form, peaceful in sleep.

I traced his jaw tenderly with my finger as my love for Brian Kinney flowed through my entire body, as did my concern.

Brian had never pleasured me one-sided before. I mean, of course he cared about my pleasure, and he loved making me whimper and making me scream, but he had just given me a blowjob, touched my body for the first time in too long and then stopped me when I tried to reciprocate.

So, Brian was willing to hand out sexual favours to me to sate my sexual appetite, but he wouldn't let anyone touch him.

_Please tell me what's wrong, Brian,_ I thought as I stroked his soft hair and felt the tears pricking my eyes, _tell me so I can help you, so I can show you you're not alone._


	7. Chapter 7: Blank thought

Please God, let me take his place.

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for drug use, strong language, drug use and adult themes.

Chapter 7: Blank thought

B POV

I coughed slightly as I walked out of the radiation room for the last time, by the time I had finished buttoning up my shirt I had followed the Doctor back into his office and I sat down in front of his desk.

He was reading through my file for a moment and then he looked up at me and smiled, "well, that's that done, Brian."

"Done?" I asked tentatively.

"Well, all signs of cancer appear to be eradicated," he said, and I had never felt more relieved in my life. Well, actually, I had...

"_Brian," said Debbie at the diner, "not that you care, but, Sunshine just woke up from his coma."_

But I didn't want to think about that.

"So..." I began slowly, "what does that mean? Is the cancer over?"

"We will be keeping an eye on you for a while and we will be prescribing some medication," said the Doctor, "but I think we can safely assume the cancer is gone."

I smiled, I actually fucking smiled.

"We also ran some tests and your fertility was not affected, and it is safe for you to copulate again."

"It is?" I asked, probably more enthusiastically than I would have liked.

My Doctor grinned at me, "yes, it should be safe for you and your partner."

I thanked the man genuinely and was happy to turn my back on the hospital. I felt, _good. _I felt happy, my nightmare was finally over.

I was gonna be okay.

I was gonna be okay.

The first thing I did was swing by PIFA, I didn't even know why. I just wanted to see Justin, to be with him. To rejoice in my fortune with him. If I'd have told people I had cancer, Justin would be the first person I'd tell that I was cured.

As I saw the students hanging around the campus, I looked at my watch and realised it was lunchtime. Perfect.

I looked around until I saw Justin, he was sat with some friends on one of the benches and I immediately walked over to him.

"Hey." I said, he immediately looked up, pure shock in his eyes. He stood up.

"Hey," he said, surprised. "What are...?"

I cut off his question with a searing kiss that left him breathless, which, could have technically have been my answer.

He looked into my eyes, breathing softly, his lips swollen. I just wanted to grab him and fuck him right there on the bench, regardless of who was watching.

But a small, albeit loud, part of me wanted my "first in a long time" time with Justin to be special, and I wanted it to be with him too, there wasn't even a single part of me that wanted to fuck some trick in Babylon.

"W..what are you doing here?" He finally stammered.

"I wanted to see you." I admitted truthfully, and I couldn't help but smile when his cheeks flushed.

"What are you doing tonight? I pressed.

He gazed at me from under his long eyelashes, a move that made me melt inside, and shook his head slightly. "Nothing."

I couldn't help but grin. "Would you like to have dinner with me?"

He looked up at me and his eyebrows shot up. "What?"

I laughed. "You 'no, dinner, where two people go to a restaurant and eat, it's traditionally known as a date..."

He just stared up at me. "You want to go on a date with me?"

"Yes," I answered confidently, "I want to go on a date with you."

Justin smiled his Sunshine smile in pure pleasure and the effect was dazzling.

"Okay."

...

J POV

"Justin!" Emmett called in the middle of the shop, trying to get my attention. I turned to him and smiled apologetically.

"Sorry." I said.

He smiled. "Don't be, baby. Brian Kinney has just asked you out on a date, you can daydream as much as you like."

I smiled broadly. "I just can't believe he'd ask me!" I gushed, looking around the clothes shop, "and I want to look really good tonight."

"And you will," Emmett assured me, "we are going to make you look fabulous."

Justin grinned again as he began looking through a rack of dress shirts. "You 'no, this is the first time he's ever asked me out to dinner." I admitted.

Emmett smiled slightly, "I'm not surprised, honey." He admitted. "Makes me wonder why he's starting now."

I shook my head in bewilderment. "Your guess is as good as mine." I told him, laughing slightly. "I mean, he's been acting so odd lately, maybe he just felt guilty about shouting at me." I suddenly felt very nervous and turned to face Emmett. "You don't think it's just because he feels guilty?"

Emmett laughed. "Brian Kinney doesn't do guilt."

"Yeah," I agreed.

Emmett continued, "Brian Kinney doesn't so guilt, or remorse, or deceit, or sexual favours..."

"Well," I cut in, "except the other night."

"Huhhhhh?" Emmet exclaimed, at my side in a second. "Dishhhhhh!"

I grinned as I remembered the events of that evening. "Well," I began slowly, "Brian, kind of...gave me a blowjob."

I watched, amused, as Emmett's eyebrows shot up. "He gave you a _blowjob?"_

I nodded excitedly. "It was incredible."

Emmett snorted slightly, "I wonder what he wanted in return for that." He smirked, his question rhetorical.

I could feel the worry build up in my stomach. "Actually..." I began, gaining Em's attention, "he didn't want me to do anything."

"What?"

"Well, I , you 'no, _tried _to return the favour, but...he just told me he was tired."

"Tired?" Asked Emmett incredulously, "Brian fucking Kinney was _too tired?_ Why was he tired?"

"I don't know," I answered honestly, "he never gave me a reason."

...

B POV

I was humming to myself as I selected my favourite Armani suit from my closet and began deciding which tie would look the best. I wanted to look really good for Sunshine tonight. I didn't quite know _why, _I just did. It made me happy.

I had actually forgotten what it was like to be happy, proper, unhindered happiness for the first time in weeks, months.

But tonight I can be with my Sunshine with no worries or fears, and I could make love to him again.

_Make love, _I scoffed myself.

...

I pulled the chair out for Justin as the waiter placed the menu's on the table for two. I made sure I got the most expensive restaurant in Pittsburgh, nothing but the best for my Sunshine.

Justin had been smiling uncontrollably the entire time and I couldn't help but be pleased with that. God, he looked good tonight, a dark brown shirt that fitted him perfectly and dark jeans that hugged his perfect ass in all the right places.

I liked to think that maybe he'd gone to some extra effort for me tonight, as I had done for him, but I soon decided that I was deluding myself.

Although, he hadn't been able to keep his eyes off of me the entire car journey, and that was enough to keep the grin plastered to my face.

Once we had ordered we settled down into contented conversation, Justin and I had known each other for so long now, we were so at ease around each other, and I loved that. Although, I had given it lots of thought and decided against telling Justin about the cancer, it wasn't that I wanted to lie to him, it was that the cancer was gone now, and there was no point bringing up shit from the past when we could just move forward, together.

"By the way," I whispered huskily, leaning dangerously close to Justin's lips, I grinned when I heard his breathing hitch, "You look so hot in that outfit."

When I drew back, he was smiling in pleasure. "Really?" He asked, I nodded, biting my lip seductively.

Justin continued to smile widely, "so, what brought all of this on?" He asked finally, gesturing to the restaurant.

I shrugged, trying to act as nonchalant as I could. "I wanted to spend some time with you." I admitted truthfully.

His smile seemed to grow wider, I had no idea that that would be humanly possible.

"And..." I began, leaning back to him, "how would you feel about reciprocating to my advances the other night?"

Justin laughed in joy.

...

J POV

_He threw me onto the bed, pushed me down, kept me pinned to the bed with his body weight. He kissed me so hard it almost hurt, but I wanted more, I begged for more._

_I cried out in pleasure as he entered me in one swift movement, revelling in the feeling of him inside of me again. A feeling so familiar, and yet so missed._

_I almost came when he began to moan into my mouth, the most beautiful sounds I'd ever heard, I couldn't control my ecstasy as he began thrusting in and out of me, and when we both climaxed, always together, I couldn't help staring up at his beautiful face as he came._

...

We lay in bed together afterwards, just holding each other contently, were only _holding each other _, of course, because Brian Kinney didn't cuddle.

"You were amazing." Brian said eventually, my whole body swelled with pride and my face flushed with pleasure.

"I was?" I asked happily, grinning, "so were you."

I groaned as I stretched in Brian's arms. "It's been too long since you've fucked me." I said in all honesty.

"I agree." Said Brian almost immediately, causing me to grin.

"Although," I began, propping myself up on one elbow to look at him, "that blowjob you gave me the other night was extraordinary."

He didn't say anything, but he looked pleased with himself.

I stroked his cheek, "you should have let me do the same for you," I said softly, "give you the pleasure you gave me."

"I know," he said softly, turning to me, "but I was really tired."

"I know." I said, "why were you tired?" I asked him tentatively.

"I told you." He said casually.

I scrunched my eyes up. "No you didn't." I told him. Brian stared at me for a long moment, but I couldn't recall any moment where he had said anything about why he was tired.

"Ryder wanted me to work on an account." Said Brian.

I was so confused, "Brian," I began, "you _never _said that." I could feel that worry building up again, "and, you, err...you don't work for Ryder any more, Brian."

I watched him carefully as he paused for a moment. "Yeah..." he said finally, looking confused, "but," he continued, "then you went to the diner and told everyone."

"Brian," I began slowly, seriously worried he'd lost the plot, "I haven't been to the diner in days."

Brian's eyes widened and he sat up, "but I wasn't there when you went to the diner!" He exclaimed, seemingly to himself. He looked worried for a moment, and then leant over and kissed me fiercely on the lips. As soon as it was over he jumped from the bed and left the room, leaving my speechless, worried and confused.

...

B POV

"So, I think I've been doing things, and my boyfriend says that those things haven't even happened!" I explained, whilst my Doctor was listening, I hoped he didn't think I was crazy.

"And," began his Doctor, "you are sure you're not just remembering things wrong?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm convinced conversations have happened that I wasn't even a part of! I even think I was talking about getting some work done for a boss I haven't worked for in years!"

My Doctor eyed me carefully. "And your partner says you never said these things, and he never said the things you thought he did?"

I shook my head, worried.

"Well," began the Doctor, "that sounds like you were hallucinating, Brian."

"Hallucinating?" I asked, stunned, "why? The radiation? The pain killers?"

The Doctor shook his head, "the only reason you would be hallucinating is..." my Doctor looked instantly worried and something stirred in the pit of my stomach; stone cold dread.

...

I'd asked if he could get the results of my testing back immediately and he said that he would have done that anyway. As soon as we had discussed my hallucinations, he had taken my blood, I'd been through a CAT scan, x-ray...everything, and here we sat a few hours later as he examined my results, he looked...troubled.

"Well?" I asked impatiently, "am I allergic to the medication? Did the radiation effect my body in some way?"

There was a long pause before he spoke.

"I'm so sorry, Brian," said the doctor finally, "but the cancer is back, and it's spread to your abdomen."

I blinked, only one thought going through my brain;

...


	8. Chapter 8: I'll try and be strong

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for strong language, drug use, adult themes and real-life issues.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait, guys. I was busy writing some other stuff and dealing with real life, but hopefully now I can continue writing this story and my updating will be more frequent x

Chapter 8: I'll try and be strong

B POV

As soon as I left the hospital, I didn't go back to the loft. It wasn't like I didn't want to see Justin or anything like that, I just physically had no idea what to do with myself.

For a few hours I was in shock, mindlessly wandering the streets numbly. It was almost a blessing, because soon after that, reasonable thought began to return to me.

The doctor had said that I wasn't through yet, apparently it would either stay in my abdomen or it would penetrate my organs, then I would die.

I didn't want to die. I mean, come on, who did? But I...I wanted to be with Sunshine...and all of my friends...I wanted to watch Gus grow up, show him that, despite two lesbians, I was his father, and I always would be.

My Doctor had told me to come in next week. Next fucking week, I could be dead by then, I might as well start jotting down my last will and fucking testament on my hand.

I'd probably leave the loft to Justin, I didn't know...why. But it just seemed to be as much his home as it was mine...

The 'Vette, I might leave to Gus, for when he was older, give him some horse power. Pray he doesn't turn out straight, of course.

But as for the muscley little jeep I kept in the back of my garage for my own personal pleasure...they could all keep their fucking hands off.

I stopped walking as something occurred to me. I suppose, I would be going out in a blaze of glory. Kinda. If I died, I'd be young and beautiful forever, and my position of stud of Liberty Avenue would never be taken away from me. I had to ponder that, I'd always convinced myself that that was what I had wanted, but now that I thought about it, I didn't particularly know what I wanted...

And that wrestle with my brain had taken me through the night, I was slightly shocked as I saw the sun begin to rise. I had no idea what I was going to do today, what I was going to say...

I jumped slightly as my phone went off in my pocket again, I took it out and sighed as I saw the caller ID.

Justin.

It was the 10th time he'd called so far.

I put my phone back in my pocket and began walking in another direction as I let the phone call go straight to voicemail.

J POV

I sighed almost frustrated as his phone went straight to voicemail again. Where the fuck was he? He hadn't come home all last night.

I shook my head, wondering what could have triggered his sudden disappearance. He had been perfectly fine last night, well, better than perfectly fine. He' d been his usual seductive, sex god self. And then all of a sudden, he was talking about Ryder...why would he be talking about Ryder? And he had thought I'd gone to the diner or something...

I shook my head again, as confusion swept over me.

The one thing I couldn't get out of my head, though...was the pure worry in Brian's eyes before he had bounded out of the room. I tried his cell again...

"Hey , it's Brian, leave a message..."

I put the phone back in my pocket and grabbed my book bag, wondering if Brian would be here when I came back.

B POV

I got back to the loft about midday, I had gathered some reasonable thought on my long, long walk. And decided to simply...try and take things as they came. I was curious to see how that one worked out for me.

The first thing I noticed about the loft was that it was empty, I didn't like it when Justin wasn't here. A part of him existed here now, as much as I hated to admit that to myself. Justin...

I growled in frustration, trying to imagine this, this _thing_ inside of me. Killing me. Just wishing I could see it or feel it, so I could kill it, claw it out of my body...

I collapsed, exhausted, onto my bed. This time wishing I could will it away.

_Please, _I found myself begging, _please just go..._ I could feel the tears cascading down my face and I let them fall freely.

I was so caught up in my sobs that I didn't see Justin walking through the door. He walked up to the bedroom and caught sight of me and froze.

"Brian...?" he began, immediately at my side. I didn't even think he'd ever seen me cry before, I didn't even try and hide it.

"Brian, what's wrong?" He asked, alarmed, the worry evident in his eyes.

I sighed through my tears and gave up hiding, I was already well on my way to being the next James Dean, I figured I didn't have much else to lose. "Justin-" I began slowly, my tired eyes meeting his worried ones, "I've got cancer."

J POV

I froze.

C...

Ca...

Cancer?

Brian had...cancer...?

It genuinely took me a good few minutes to process anything whilst Brian simply stared at me, drying tears on his face.

I...I couldn't except it...my brain...didn't except it.

I found myself shaking my head. "No..." I said, in complete denial, "no..."

"Justin, Justin..." Brian tried to sooth me, taking me into his arms. "It's true...I'm so sorry...but it's true."

I felt the tears in my eyes, and suddenly everything made sense. The sickness, no-sex, the bad moods...

I looked up to him. "How...how long have you known?" I asked, my voice shaking.

He sighed slightly. "A few months."

My eyebrows shot up, "a few months?"

He sighed again and began to run a hand gently through my hair. "I..." he began, pausing slightly, "I didn't go to Ibiza, I went to John Hopkins hospital..." My hand immediately flew to his cheek.

"Wha...?" I tried, he simply continued.

"I had an operation," he said, "they...they removed one of my testicles, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, my left ball is now a piece of plastic," I could hear the bitterness in his voice. "And then I went into radiation," he sighed, "and they thought it was gone but...then it came back, it's in my abdomen now."

I just stared at him, blinking as I tried to...I didn't even know what I was trying to do...I...I just...

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked finally.

He shrugged half-heartedly. "Not telling anyone...I guess it made it seem less real."

My heart wrenched at his comment, he must be so fucking scared...

"And..." he continued, "I was scared...that you would leave me."

I nearly recoiled in shock at that, did Brian really think...?

"You thought I'd leave you because you had cancer?" I asked softly, "or because you had a ball removed? Because you were no longer perfect?" I shook my head slightly, staring into Brian's perfect eyes. "Brian, I never loved you because you were perfect..." I said honestly, "I love you because you're perfect to me. And, if I wanted to leave you, I'd have better reasons, plenty of them." Brian simply stared at me throughout my speech, the raw emotion clear in his eyes. I just wanted to hold him tight and never let go, I just wanted to make it go away...

I hugged onto him tightly, trying to hide the tears that were flowing freely down my cheeks, trying to be strong.

"I'm never gonna leave you, Brian," I promised, "you're gonna be okay, you hear me?" I was trying so hard to sound strong for him, but it didn't stop my tears from flowing.

"You're gonna be okay."


	9. Chapter 9: The reason

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

A/N: Hey all, deepest apologies for not updating anything for a while but rest assured I will update "He's like the wind" and "Jealousy" soon, I've just been very busy with studies and family stuff. I know it might seem harsh that I brought Brian's cancer back but I wanted to explore that angle, I figured if the cancer came back it would develop Brian and Justin as characters and also strengthen their relationship. This chapter really outlines Brian's cancer and what he's suffering with, so you all have an understanding of that. Hope you enjoy, reviews much appreciated x (I think I could win the award for longest author's note ever!)

Chapter 9: The reason

J POV

When we walked into the hospital he let me hold his hand, I was partly glad he was opening up and letting me comfort him but to be honest, it also scared the shit out of me. There was something about Brian being afraid, something about Brian being beaten down by something. It almost took all the strength from the world.

Cancer.

All of those weeks I'd spent worrying about him, wondering what on Earth had made him act the way he had and cancer never entered my head. I feel almost stupid now, now it's glaringly obvious.

I guess a part of me feels betrayed. Betrayed that he would keep this from me, but I can't be angry at Brian when he's so weak, and so scared. I can't be angry at him when I know that he needs me now more than he's probably ever needed anyone.

It's been a week since he told me he has cancer and I think I'm finally beginning to get my head around it, but it has been hard keeping it to myself. And it's been hard watching Brian getting weaker every day. We're back in the hospital now, Brian is keen to understand exactly what is wrong with him but, I think there's a part of him that really doesn't want to know.

B POV

He's holding my hand, sat in the waiting room where everyone can see. Some woman is staring at us in disgust, she probably wouldn't care if I died from this cancer.

I try and stop myself thinking these things but sometimes it's hard not to. It's too fucking hard. Ever since I told Sunshine I have felt better that someone knew, but I feel a lot worse as well.

Worse because I'm getting weaker, I can feel it, even walking is getting me out of breath, worse because my insides feel like they're being stabbed with needles. And worse because I can see the pure fucking fear in Justin's eyes whenever he looks at me. I know he's trying to be strong for me and I know he thinks I don't see it but I do. It's all I can see, I even dream about it sometimes.

"Brian, you okay?" He suddenly asked, bringing me out of my reverie. I snapped my head up to look at him and groaned from the pain, his eyes immediately filled with worry. "Brian...!"

"I'm fine!" I said, a little harshly. Then I took a deep breath. "I'm fine." I repeated, calmer. I attempted a weak smile, and Sunshine smiled back. But I knew it was forced, it didn't quite reach his eyes.

...

"Well, Mr. Kinney, you're stable." The Doctor informed us with a smile. I suppose usually that would piss me off, but I guess I was too tired to be pissed off. I would never admit to myself that it was comforting to feel like he gave a shit.

"Is that good?" Asked Justin, squeezing my hand a little too tight, I tried not to let it show.

"It's good for now," the Doctor continued, "it means the cancer hasn't spread from Mr. Kinney's abdomen."

I tried to conceal my sigh of relief, that was one thing, I suppose. "Nor has it infected any of your organs," he continued, "that means that if we keep you on the same treatment then, we may be able to isolate the cancer, making it easier to remove."

I stared at the Doctor for a long moment. "Does that mean that I'm not..." I didn't want to say it, because I didn't want to think it. And I certainly didn't want to _know _it. "Does that mean that I'm not terminal?"

He smiled again, "no Mr. Kinney, you are not terminal. With any luck we can catch this thing, but it will be a gruelling process."

I closed my eyes for a moment, I knew he'd say that. I knew I had to do what I had to do but that didn't mean I couldn't be angry with it.

Justin squeezed my hand again and I looked up to him, he was smiling, genuinely this time. "Don't worry," he half-whispered, "I'll be here."

I gave him a small smile in return, I really was lucky, wasn't I?

"Are you experiencing any discomfort?" He continued, facing me. "Chest pain? Fatigue?"

"I feel shitty," I answered honestly, mind briefly drawn back to my painful week. "I have a bad cough and I keep puking, why is that?"

"Because your stomach is working double time, trying to digest food and so forth, it's sapping your energy, you'll be feeling very weak."

I tried to laugh at the irony but that laugh turned into a cough. I felt Justin's hand on my back, rubbing it tenderly. I felt my cheeks go red in embarrassment.

"Thank you for reminding me," said the Doctor, searching through the paper on his desk. He produced a slip of paper and handed it to me, I stared down at it confusedly.

"What's this for?"

"I'm prescribing you with this medicine," he informed me, "it's to...help prevent urinary and bowel infection."

I stared at him for a long moment, "but I don't have any infections."

He smiled at me sadly. "I'm afraid you will, that area of your body, your kidney's and digestive system will be using your energy therefore you will have trouble...excreting and urinating."

I had to stop myself retching, I officially feel fucking sick. I could feel my blush of pure embarrassment burn my cheeks.

J POV

He's really embarrassed, I can see it. But he has nothing to be embarrassed about, he's only going to be weak for a little while. Until he gets cured.

"What are you planning to do?" I asked, holding Brian's hand securely in my own.

"There is a new radiation procedure, if the cancer doesn't penetrate the organs then it will eradicate the cancer, that is what I would suggest. But I think we really need to wait to see if you're strong enough, Mr. Kinney, you'll need to come in for weekly check-ups. "

It was hard to watch Brian's eyes hit the floor in defeat.

B POV

As soon as we got into the loft, Sunshine turned to face me and I was suddenly caught in his fierce hug. We stayed like that for a few long moments, it felt like he was trying to hug the pain away. I wanted to believe he could make everything better again.

"There's still hope, right?" He said reassuringly, smiling at me.

I smiled weakly back and kissed him softly, "of course there is."

His smile grew wider. "I'm going to make some dinner, why don't you try and rest?"

I smiled again and nodded slowly, glad that I could get some rest.

I walked slowly to my bed and collapsed onto it, hugging my legs to my chest. The pain in my stomach clawing at my insides. I could feel the tears in my eyes and in that moment, everything in my life seemed so dismal. I was in constant agony with dismal chance of survival, my life had turned to shit in a few short weeks and there was fuck all I could do about it. Weekly check ups...bowel infections...radiation procedures if I've got enough fucking strength to stand up...there was really no fucking point, was there? Was there a single fucking reason for any of this?

I was brought out of this thought by a low whistling emanating from my kitchen, I slowly lifted my head to see a head of golden curls bobbing up and down to the music on the radio. I couldn't help but smile as I contently watched my Sunshine smiling; occasionally mouthing the words with his perfect lips...

Staring at my baby, my perfect baby;

I suddenly found the reason.


	10. Chapter 10: Coping methods

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while guys. These next few chapters probably won't be the happiest, as Brian is still stuggling with his pride and not letting anyone help him. In this chapter, I'm trying to get Justin to understand why Brian is so at one with his pride, to hopefully create more understanding in their relationship, also, in this story, Uncle Vic is still alive, hope you enjoy x

Chapter 10: Coping methods

B POV

I was in Babylon, like any other saturday evening. Except tonight the lights were all white, that was weird, it was cool, but weird. As I looked around the dance floor I briefly wondered where everyone was. I could swear they were all with me a minute ago, maybe they all went home...?

Suddenly, it didn't matter anymore. I could see him. He was right there, across the dance floor, staring at me.

I didn't even know his name, but I had been after him all night. 6", blue eyes, brown hair, toned body, apsolutely perfect. I had scoped him out from the beginning of the evening and he wasn't getting away from me this time, I had found my prey. I walked across the dance floor to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing myself against his back. I leant forward to whisper something in his ear when suddenly he recoiled from me, yanked his waist from my arms and stared at me,disgusted.

"Err..." I began, taken completely aback and unsure of what to say.

"Don't get too close!" He half-shouted at me, "I might catch something!"

At this, half of Babylon turned to stare at us.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked him, confused.

"I don't want to catch cancer!" He told me, my heart plummeted in my chest as I heard the whisper go all around Babylon.

"Brian Kinney has cancer?"

"Brian has cancer!"

"Oh my God, is it contagious...?"

My head was spinning, but I didn't know why because I didn't think I'd had anything to drink.

"How...how do you know?" I found myself shouting at the trick.

"We all know." He told me.

But how the fuck could they all know? Only Justin knew...but if Justin told...

The spinning in my head suddenly stopped and I felt someone tugging on my shoulder. I let out a strange kind of yelp of surprise as I suddenly found myself writhing in my bed covers, my nose was filled with the familar smell of Justin, I could vaguelly see his face above me.

"Brian, Brian...it's okay, you're just having a nightmare..."

"Who did you tell?" I found myself shouting at him.

"What?" Asked Justin, "who did I tell what?"

"About Cancer! Who did you tell about the cancer!"

"Brian, I didn't tell anyone!" Justin assured me, "you were having a nightmare!"

I breathed deeply and slumped back against the pillows, I felt sweaty and I could feel the pain in my stomach.

"You can't...tell anyone." I said sleepily, before falling back into my exhausted sleep.

...

J POV

It had just gone 1 in the morning and I still didn't feel tired, I suppose, generally for me and Brian, this wasn't really that late. I couldn't think of anything else to do so I had just sat down with my sketchpad, and I wasn't really drawing in anything particular. I looked over to the bedroom, as I did every 15 minutes or so, just to make sure Brian was okay. As just as before, Brian was fast asleep, completely exhausted from just being awake. My mind was briefly drawn back to the times when Brian would be up next to me right now, talking, laughing...and probably trying to distract me from drawing...

I couldn't help but smile slightly as I remembered those times, and up until this point, it had never occured to me how much I missed Brian, even though he was right there.

I looked up immediately when I heard commotion from Brian's bed. I stood up immediately and saw Brian thrashing around in his bed. He was having another nightmare, his nightmares were becoming more and more frequent now. I walked quickly to Brian and heard him moaning in pain in his sleep, I worriedly crawled onto the bed and on top of him and shook one of his shoulders.

"Brian!" I called worriedly, "Brian, wake up!"

Without warning, Brian ripped out of sleep and grabbed one of my arms, scaring the shit out of me.

"Jesus Fucking Christ..." I said under my breath, trying to regain my breathing and concentrate on Brian.

"Brian, Brian..it's okay, you're just having a nightmare..."

"Who did you tell?"He suddenly demanded, sitting upright and staring daggers at me, I was too startled to think for a moment. Brian's nightmares didn't usually make him agressive, he must have not been fully awake.

"What?" I asked, confused, "who did I tell what?"

"About cancer!" He practically spat at me, "who did you tell about the cancer?"

"Brian, I didn't tell anyone!" I told him immediately, he must have been dreaming that I betrayed him or something, I hated that Brian's mind played tricks on him, it was that damn medication. "You were having a nightmare!" I tried to convince him, even though I was pretty sure he wouldn't remember any of this when he woke up. Brian stared at me for a long moment, before his eyes seemed to calm down and he slumped back against the pillows, my heart ached as I saw the pain on his face.

"You can't...tell anyone..." he said sleepily. I stared down at him in concern and confusion as he fell back to sleep. I stared at Brian for a long time after he fell asleep, I guess just the sound of his breathing was a comfort to me. But then I guess I just wanted to see the pain in his face disappear, but it never did. I ran the back of my hand across Brian's forehead tenderly, I let my hand linger on his skin for a long moment, just staring at him. I looked around quickly before lowering myself down to the bed and resting my head on Brian's chest, I cuddled up to him, trying to keep the tears from flowing. I thought about the times when we would make love, and Brian would hold me... It wasn't long before I fell asleep, too.

I woke up about two hours later and Brian was still fast asleep, I slowly sat up and stared at Brian for a moment before climbing slowly off of the bed. I spared one last look at Brian before I walked shakily back to the sofa and picked my sketch-pad up, I noticed my hands were still shaking. I sat down slowly, wondering what the fuck Brian thought people would do if they found out he had cancer, why was he so scared?

I glanced around the loft and found myself gazing at the door, almost longingly.I suddenly realised how much I wanted to just go outside, just walk around. But I couldn't leave Brian...in that moment, I suddenly felt so fucking bad. How could I think like that?

I stared down at the floor dejectedly, trying again to stop the tears that were trying to escape. I couldn't do this, I couldn't do this on my own. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can look after Brian but..I can't deal with this, I can't cope...I just need to be able to cope enough to give Brian the support he needs.

...

"Hey," I shouted out as I walked back into the loft, I pulled my shoulder bag off and threw it onto the couch.

"Hey," Brian replyed, not looking up to me. "How was class?" He asked me.

I had to smile for a moment, Brian never asked me that before. "Not bad," I said, "my hands a bit sore, but..."

Brian then looked up to me as I sat down, he put down what he was looking at and took my hand in his, and began to massage it slowly.

I sighed slightly at the pleasure, I looked at Brian, he looked tired but okay.

"How was your day?" I asked him, and Brian shrugged slightly.

"Okay, I guess. Boring." He told me.

"Have you been taking your medication?" I asked him.

"Yes, mother." He answered, grinning.

"I don't like leaving you here on your own all day," I admitted.

"Well," began Brian slowly. "I was actually thinking...about going back to work soon."

"Do you think you're strong enough?" I asked him, concerned. "Because only if you're sure...?"

"I'm sure." Brian smiled slightly. "I need to get out, do something." He told me, "I might die from boredom."

I tried to laugh, even though it wasn't funny. "What are you reading?" I asked Brian, gesturing to the leaflets Brian had been pawing through when I had come in.

"Just a bunch of leaflets the Doctor sent me about my condition." Brian said, trying to sound casual but I could hear the fear beneath his voice. I didn't bring it up.

"Oh," I said, "are they any help?"

"Not really," he shrugged, "oh, but get this!" He began, sounding indignant. "Apparently, it's not common for this cancer to spread to any other organs aside from the lungs, what are the odds that I get the one fucking uncommon version. The symptoms are weird shit like a lump in the throat and breathing problems..."

"Have you had a lump in your throat or breathing problems?" I asked Brian worriedly, staring at him. He looked up to me and blinked a few times.

"Justin, I'm fine." He told me, "please stop worrying, you're freaking me out."

"I'm sorry," I told him, attempting to smile. I rubbed his back slowly. "So, err...have you thought about, you 'no...telling our friends...?"

Brian immediately tensed up and moved away from me. "I can't." He said stiffly.

I sighed heavily. "Why not?" I asked him, trying not to sound irritated.

"Because," said Brian, turning back to me. He sighed slightly, "because, I've been the only one looking after me, for a very long time. And...my pride is a massive part of who I am, not needing help is a massive part of who I am..." he explained, and I stared at him as he opened up to me. He sighed again. "I just think that, if I give up my pride, it's like I'm loosing myself. It's like I'm loosing myself to this cancer and if I do...I might not find myself again, Justin."

In that moment, I suddenly remembered the conversation I had with Lindsay so long ago, before this nightmare of cancer was presented to me. I remember her telling me that Brian's mystery was a part of his charm, and I also remembered thinking about how I loved Brian for who he was and nothing less. It never occured to me how hard it would be for Brian to have to give up the way he thinks and the way he feels. As Brianonce taught me, that isn't love, that's hate.

"I understand," I told him honestly, taking his hand in mine. "I really understand." I leant forward and hugged Brian and felt him put his weak arms around me. "We can fight this, Brian." I told him, "we have to fight this."

...

B POV

The next day Justin was on the phone to Debbie and I watched him from the sofa, pretending to flick through channels but infact I was interested in the conversation. I hadn't seen Deb,or let alone anyone in a long time.

"...yeah, I'll ask him." Justin said into the phone, "yeah, I'll speak to you later...yeah, bye." Justin then hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment.

"Is Deb okay?" I asked him.

"Yeah, she's fine." Justin answered.

"What did she want?" I asked him, confused.

"Actually..." began Justin tentatively, "she invited everyone over for dinner tonight, seeing as you've been so busy at "work" lately, no one has seen you."

I almost chuckled.

"So..." Justin continued, "do you...do you want to...go...?"

I looked back at Justin, about to tell him how much I really didn't want to see anyone, about how much I just wanted to stay in, but when I saw the hopeful look in Justin's eyes I just couldn't bring myself to say it. It suddenly occured to me how long it had been since Justin had seen anyone else, it was important for Justin to see their friends, he couldn't be locked in with me forever, and, I guess, I wouldn't be so bad for me to see everyone for a bit.

I smiled at him. "Yeah, sure. Sounds like fun."

"Really?" Asked Justin, smiling.

"Yeah." I told him, "I want to see everyone, anyway." Before I knew it, Justin was on top of me with his arms around me.

...

Before I knew it, we had turned up at Debbie's front door. I was actually nervous about seeing my own fucking friends. I rolled my eyes. Justin knocked on the door and took my hand in his.

A few seconds later the door opened and Debbie was stood there.

"Brian Fucking Kinney!" She exclaimed loudly, throwing her arms around me fiercely, I didn't want to wince from the pain but I couldn't help myself.

"Jesus Christ!" She exclaimed, letting go of me. "You haven't been eating! You're like a string of fucking dental floss! Come in out of the cold before the wind pushes you over!"

I couldn't help but smirk as Deb let Justin and me into the house and to the large table surrounded by Michael, Ben, Vic, Mel, Linds, Ted and Em.

"Brian!" Michael and Lindsay exclaimed in unison, jumping up to hug me tightly, I again tried not to wince. Luckily for me, Justin had my back and distracted the pair so I could sit down.

"So, where has the king of the Queer'sbeen sequestered to lately?" Emmett inquired.

I shrugged slightly. "I've just been busy."

"Brian, you're so thin." Lindsay complained, feeling my forehead, I ducked out of the way.

"And white as a fucking sheet!" Michael exclaimed.

"Brian, you look really tired." Ben added worriedly.

"Are you okay, Brian?" Melanie asked, actually sounding worried whilst Emmett and Ted stared at me. Vic, however, had an eyebrow raised. If anyone knew I was sick, it was him.

"I'm fine," I assured them all, "really, I am. I'm just tired from work, that's all."

I looked across to Michael and he still looked worried, he put his arms around me tightly. Almost like he was afraid to let go.

...

Everyone was having a drink whilst Lindsay and Debbie were doing the dishes. Soon after, Justin declared he would help them and walked into the kitchen, giving me a reassuring smile. I declined the drink that was offered to me, confusing everyone, and told them I would go and help in the kitchen. Anything to escape Vic's scrutinising stare.

I was just about to walk into the kitchen when I heard my name, I stopped at the door so they couldn't see me, and listened to the conversation between Linds, Deb and Justin.

"Seriously, Justin-" began Lindsay, "is Brian really okay?"

"Yeah, Sunshine," added Debbie, "he looks really sick, and he barely ate."

"He's been acting really different lately." Said Lindsay.

I looked in to see Justin, his smile forced. "It's just work," he lied to them, "I'm sure he'll be back to his old self in no time."

Staring at the forced smile on Sunshine's face, it suddenly occured to me all of the weight I was putting on him, everything I was just expecting him to cope with, and just expecting him to lie to his family about me. Expecting him to be able to cope with this alone. Because despite his smiles I can see Justin is struggling to cope with this alone, he just wasn't saying anything.

I leant against the wall, wondering what the hell I was gonna do...when the idea suddenly came to me.

...

The last time I'd knocked on this door it was to get my Sunshine back, and now it was almost for the same reason. I waited for a moment until Daphne opened her apartment door to me.

"Brian!" She said, but her smile faltered when she looked at me.

"Oh my God, Brian, are you okay? You don't look so good..."

She invited me in and when I sat on the sofa I wrestled with myself before deciding to go through with my original plan.

"Listen, Daphne. Something is happening, and Justin really needs some love and support right now, he needs his best friend."

"Brian, what's wrong?" Asked Daphne worriedly, and I sighed.

"I have, I have cancer." I admitted.

She was silent for a long moment, she just stared at me.

"What?" She asked finally, the concern filling her eyes. "Oh my God, Brian, are you gonna be okay?"

I shrugged slightly. "I don't know."

I instantly regretted telling her when I saw her eyes fill up with tears. "I didn't mean to upset you..."

Before I knew it, Daphne had her arms around me. "You're gonna be okay." She told me, like she was ordering me to be okay. I couldn't help but to be a little touched.

I smiled at her when she let me go. "It's just, Justin is the only other person who knows and, he needs some love and support, that I can't give him right now." I told her honestly, but sadly.

Daphne nodded, but then looked confused. "Why didn't you tell any of your other friends?"

I found myself shrugging at her. "I don't know." I told her, "and I would appreciate it if you didn't, either."

"I promise." She said softly, taking my hand in hers. "You're gonna be okay." She repeated. I leant forward and kissed her on the cheek, I always liked Daphne. She smiled but faltered again as she stared at me. I wondered if I really looked that sick.

I headed for the door, but before I left I turned back to her. "It's a pride thing," I admitted, "but, in the end, Justin is more important than pride."

...

J POV

I walked into the loft, weighed down bu groceries. I was about to call out to Brian when I heard a female voice in the loft.

"Have you taken the right medication?" She asked.

"Will you stop mothering me?" Brian berated good-naturedly and as I walked into the loft I saw Daphne laugh.

"Hey," I said, confused, "what's going on?"

"Hey," said Daph, turning towards me. "Brian told me." She admitted.

"What?" I asked, looking between the pair of them. "Why?"

"So you wouldn't have to go through this alone," Brian informed me, "so you can have the kind of support you need. Dealing with this on your own is too much for me to ask."

I stared up at him, touched.

"And now," Daphne grinned, grabbing my arm. "You are coming with me and we are going out, no arguments."

"But..." I began to protest, before Brian cut me off.

"You're going," he told me, "don't worry about me, I'll be fine, and if anything does happen, you're a phone call away."

He smiled at me. "You deserve a night off, go and have some fun."

I was so touched at Brian's complete selflessness that I couldn't help running to him and kissing him.

"I love you." I told him.

"I know." He replyed softly, we stared into each others eyes for a long moment.

"Come on!" Said Daphne finally, dragging me out of the loft. She waved at Brian and I turned back to see him smiling at me before he closed the door.


	11. Chapter 11: Powerless

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

A/N: Sorry for the bad times guys, I just need to drag this out a little bit, not only to outline Brian's condition but also to built on his relationship with his Sunshine. It's not so much about the cancer but more about how the cancer is affecting them. Like the main theme of this story isn't about cancer, it's about understanding. Hope you enjoy x

Chapter 11: Powerless

B POV

"There you go Mr. Kinney." The woman in the drug store said to me, handing me a prescription packet. I took it gingerly and placed it carefully in my coat pocket.

"Thank you." I told her, I didn't have the energy to be sarcastic. This is what my fucking life had come too.

"You have a nice day now." She smiled, all teeth, very sympathetically at me. I gave her a strange kind of smile and walked out of the drug store, stuffing my hands in my pockets. Just my fucking luck to get cancer in the middle of winter when I don't have the strength to make any body heat of my own. I tried not to get pissed off. I wasn't an idiot, I knew I was spending most of my time being pissed off, and crucially spending most of my time being pissed off at Justin. Now he got out with Daphne a lot more it wasn't so bad, I wanted to get him away from my cancer but I also wanted to get him away from my temper. But the weirdest, most insignificant things were annoying the shit out of me, because of all the pent up anger I had because of my condition, most likely.

But that woman...I knew okay...I _knew _that I looked pale, and tired and people weren't thick, they could put two and two together but why did they all have to smile at me like I was fucking dying...

because you are...

My hand flew to my hair as my brain shouted this out to me and I made a low humming noise. I dunno why, but moving somehow and making some kind of noise makes me forget...like a distraction from my stupid head.

My own head is my own worst enemy.

I reached the 'Vette and climbed into the drivers seat and for the first time since I'd gotten the car I wished I had my Jeep back. Why did the 'Vette have to be so far down? I got a pulling shooting pain in my stomach every time I got in. I didn't tell Sunshine about it, because he'd probably start up some crap about me not driving.

It was at this point that I realised how obsessed I was getting. Every thought I had was about cancer or something related to it.

I needed to think of something else...

something else...

something else...

maybe these new painkillers I'd just picked up would be more effective than the last ones...fuck. I'm not good at this.

Fuck this shit.

I slammed the door to the loft open and regretted it immediately. The pulling pain in my side back again, I cursed. Loudly, before shedding my coat quickly and heading straight to my bed. I had nothing to do, no one to see and Sunshine wasn't back for ages. I was too fucking tired to stand around all day and pass out like some kind of lesbian.

My jacket and jeans hit the floor with a dull, lazy clunk.

Dull and lazy...my two new favourite words.

I fell onto the bed and let out a painful groan, I needed to be more gentle with myself. At least when there's no one around to see.

Gym's...ha remember those? All that exercising, moving...just being able to walk around without hurting or being so god damn exhausted I had to sleep all the time. My head hit the pillow and I stared at the ceiling, sighing heavily.

I knew I had to move, but I really didn't fucking want to. I groaned again, resigned to my fate of having to move.

Apparently cancer makes you overly dramatic.

I rolled onto my side and leant down over my bed and fished around half-blind for my jacket. When I'd found it I dragged it onto the bed, more out of being lazy really than being tired. I stuffed my hand into the pocket and pulled out the painkillers I'd just collected. I didn't bother with the instructions and just downed a couple. I leant back against the bed and felt my head hit the pillow again.

I sighed again, sighing was becoming my whole vocabulary.

I knew where this was gonna go, I was gonna have some crazy ass dream 'cause of the painkillers. I was so used to it now that my dreams didn't really shock me, you just kinda go along with it until you wake up. 'Sides, whatever dream you have you don't have cancer. Might even be nice to go back to that Sunshine land again, I was pretty awesome there...

I felt sleep take me, the way it always does. It's not natural sleep. Your drowsy from drugs and so fucking exhausted. My eyes actually hurt. I knew instantly when I was dreaming, it was like I was half-there and half-not.

My bed turned into something...else. Something I couldn't put my finger on, it was comfy though. I ran my fingers beside me and could feel grass sliding between them. I sat up immediately, and looked around the meadow I was sat in. All blue sky and apple grass. I tried not to roll my eyes.

I was dreaming about a meadow?

I was definitely gay.

"Hey, Brian. Are you alright?"

I turned to the side and saw him sitting next to me. I don't know who he was, just a figment of my imagination. It didn't even surprise me that he knew my name. He was a bit blurry and I couldn't pinpoint his exact features except that he was sat beside me.

"I'm fine." I said simply, facing directly in front of me while I replied.

"How are you feeling today?" He asked kindly, and I shrugged.

"Not bad, I'm tired. Really tired."

"Maybe you should sleep?" His voice sounded concerned and I laughed.

"What do you think I'm doing?" I asked rhetorically, he didn't reply for a long moment.

"Brian...I know you're tripping out..."

I laughed again. "Well, you should." I replied.

"I just...don't want you to have to feel like you have too, just to escape. I know how scared you are, Brian. You're not normally this scared..." I hugged my knees to my chest uncharacteristically. I guess I didn't mind talking to this guy. I knew I could open up because he wasn't real.

"What are you talking about?" I replied, "I've always been scared. There's always been something in my life to keep me on edge."

"Really?" His voice sounded surprised. "It never showed..."

I shrugged again. "I just learnt to hide it, take it from me, though, there will always be something out there...I remember when I was just a kid...my Dad, he, he hated me, I think. He used to hit me and..." I shifted uncomfortably, scratching my elbow, not even sure why I was saying all of this.

"He didn't even know I was gay, so it's not like I had any excuse, you 'no? Not like I could say "my Dad treats me like shit because...", he just didn't like me personally. And my Mom, she just used to..do nothing. She convinced herself she was protecting me but she never did a fucking thing..."

I jumped slightly as I felt an unexplainable tear slide down my face.

"Brian...I never knew...I'm, so sorry."

I laughed slightly. "No one really knows," I told him, "I don't like to talk about it. But what I mean is...I spent a lot of my childhood being afraid. I thought that when I got older that would stop."

"I'm sure things will get better." Said the voice, optimistically.

"They did." I assured him, "they really did. I was lucky, see..." and there I was, babbling on about myself again. "I met Michael...my best friend. And Lindsay, this girl I know. And I have this beautiful son..." I laughed to myself as I saw their faces in my mind.

The laughter quickly died down.

"They don't know. They don't know that I'm sick, that I'm weak."

"You're not weak!" He said, rather abruptly, and I turned to face him for the first time.

"Yes, I am!" I pressed, before turning away again. "I _know _I am." I admitted to myself. "I just, don't want them to know. Not just about the cancer but about the _fear._ This spine tingling fear that consumes you, in such a way I can't describe it..." I stared on ahead. "I don't...want to tell them how scared I am...I don't even want to tell Justin."

"Justin?" The voice suddenly cut in again, sounding shocked.

I couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah. My little Sunshine," I laughed. "He's just...amazing, you 'no? I mean, everything he's done..." I leant my chin on my hand and smiled a little. "He's the reason I'm doing this, you 'no. Fighting this. I can't leave him on his own, that' not fair."

"He's lucky to have you." Said the voice, sounding like it was crying. I turned to the mystery man again, but as I couldn't see his face properly I had no idea if he was crying or not.

"Its...more complicated than that." I told him slowly. "I don't know, if Justin loves me any more. Because of the cancer."

My head snapped back to the man again as I was sure I was hearing more stifled sobs. But I still couldn't tell.

"I think...I think Justin loves you, very, very much." He assured me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I smiled slightly to myself at the contact.

"Do you think?" I asked, more to myself than him, as my crazy dream warped into something different.

J POV

I opened the door to the loft and kicked my shoes off as I walked in. I put my bag down on the table and was about to call out until I saw Brian's coat on a crumpled heap on the floor. I walked to it and picked it up and folded it carefully, placing it on the counter.

"Brian?" I called out slowly. Walking to the bedroom. I felt terrible about having to leave Brian on his own for long periods of time. I never knew when he might need me...

I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Brian on the bed, seemingly fast asleep and completely safe. He was only lying in his top and underwear, he'd probably just fallen into bed. I looked over his still form...he looked so weak all of the time...but his skin, it still slightly radiated the muscle and deep tan that was Brian Kinney, almost like a shadow.

My train of thought stopped as my eyes landed on the bottle of pills lying next to Brian on the bed, I sat down slowly and picked up the bottle. They were just painkillers, Brian was just sleepy from painkillers. Crisis averted.

I looked at Brian again and was about to run my hand along his cheek when his eyelids fluttered slightly, I moved slightly closer to him on the bed, unsure whether he was asleep or not.

"Hey, Brian. Are you alright?" I asked softly. His head turned slightly to face me but he didn't open his eyes, he then turned his head back.

"I'm fine." He replied, sounding tired but okay.

He was awake.

"How are you feeling today?" I asked gently, he made a movement in the bed that I suppose was a shrug, he hadn't opened his eyes to look at me yet. He must have been exhausted, I felt terrible.

I just wanted to take it away, take it all away. I think it was just because of how strong Brian was, as a person and as a personality. But he would get back to his old self in no time, I assured myself.

Brian could fight anything.

Brian was a superhero.

_My _hero.

"Not bad, I'm tired. Really tired."

"Maybe you should sleep?" I said, concerned. Wondering how long it would take him to drift off, maybe I could coax him into eating something?

"What do you think I'm doing?" He asked rhetorically, grinning slightly. I looked away and grinned for a second. Feeling bad though, I didn't want to keep Brian awake. But I knew his painkillers did funny things to him...

"Brian...I know you're tripping out..."

He laughed again. "Well, you should." He replied. And he was right, too. I cleared my throat again, wondering how I could word my next sentence without pissing him off. Maybe he wouldn't care because he was so tired? I could hear it in his voice. I kept telling myself to leave him in peace, but I just wanted to talk to him, hear his voice. Regardless of whether he was angry or not.

It's strange how much you can miss a person you spend everyday with.

"I just...don't want you to have to feel like you have too, just to escape. I know how scared you are, Brian. You're not normally this scared..."

He shifted slightly on the bed again, kind of curling himself up into a ball. That wasn't something Brian did. Or at least not something he'd let me see him do, he just must be so exhausted.

"What are you talking about?" he replied suddenly. "I've always been scared. There's always been something in my life to keep me on edge."

What? Brian had always been...what could Brian Kinney be afraid of? He tamed the entire world.

"Really?" I asked, surprised.. "It never showed..." _Or you just never let it. _ I stopped for a minute as it suddenly occurred to me how lonely it must be to be strong.

He shrugged slightly again. "I just learnt to hide it, take it from me, though, there will always be something out there...I remember when I was just a kid...my Dad, he, he hated me, I think. He used to hit me and..." he shifted uncomfortably, scratching his elbow, I couldn't even understand why he was telling me all of this.

"He didn't even know I was gay, so it's not like I had any excuse, you 'no? Not like I could say "my Dad treats me like shit because...", he just didn't like me personally. And my Mom, she just used to..do nothing. She convinced herself she was protecting me but she never did a fucking thing..." I stared at Brian for a long time as an unexpected tear slid down his face. I never knew...I always knew Brian never liked his family, but...how could this man, this amazing man be treated so cruelly? Suddenly, all of Brian's withdrawal, issues, anger, everything...it seemed to make sense.

"Brian...I never knew...I'm, so sorry." I really meant it, I was so sorry. I wished against God that I could stop that from happening as well.

That's one of the hardest things. Loving someone with all of your heart and being powerless to help them.

Brian actually laughed again! "No one really knows," he told me, seemingly indifferent now. "I don't like to talk about it. But what I mean is...I spent a lot of my childhood being afraid. I thought that when I got older that would stop."

_It will stop, Brian. I promise. I'll make it stop. Screw being powerless, Brian needs me._

"I'm sure things will get better." I assured him, trying to sound optimistic.

"They did." He assured me, like he was proving a point, "they really did. I was lucky, see... I met Michael...my best friend. And Lindsay, this girl I know. And I have this beautiful son..."

Wait, why was Brian describing everyone to me? Although, I did make a mental note to have Brian see Gus soon. That would really help him.

He laughed to himself for a moment but the laughter quickly died down. "They don't know. They don't know that I'm sick, that I'm weak."

"You're not weak!" I said, rather abruptly, not caring that he was giving me information I already knew.

"Yes, I am! I _know _I am." He admitted, sounding downbeat. "I just, don't want them to know. Not just about the cancer but about the _fear._ This spine tingling fear that consumes you, in such a way I can't describe it..."

I hung my head slightly and didn't reply. I knew how scared Brian was, I just didn't know what I was supposed to do...and it honestly broke my heart.

"I don't...want to tell them how scared I am...I don't even want to tell Justin." My head suddenly snapped out of it's reverie. What, did he just say?

"Justin?" I suddenly asked, unable to process anything else.

Brian...he must have been asleep, that's why he wasn't opening his eyes. It suddenly dawned on me that Brian probably didn't know he was talking to me, that why he was telling me all of this.

I looked at Brian to see him smiling.

"Yeah. My little Sunshine," he laughed. "He's just...amazing, you 'no? I mean, everything he's done...He's the reason I'm doing this, you 'no. Fighting this. I can't leave him on his own, that's not fair."

"He's lucky to have you." I said, feeling the tears slowly falling down my face.

Brian could make me cry like no one else could.

"Its...more complicated than that." he said after a moment, stressing every word. "I don't know, if Justin loves me any more." He sighed. "Because of the cancer."

My head snapped back to Brian as I sobbed again. Where in the fuck was Brian getting these _ridiculous _ideas from? I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, stop my tears.

"I think..." I began slowly, "I think Justin loves you, very, very much." I assured him, and I couldn't resist putting my hand on his arm and stroking softly, meaning every single word.

Brian needed to know this, know that he hadn't lost me. I almost cried again when I saw Brian smiling slightly again.

"Do you think?" He asked softly, more to himself than me, I watched as his head sank more comfortably into the pillow and after a few minutes his breathing shallowed. Brian had definitely fallen asleep this time. I inched closer to him on the bed and put my arms around him.

And then I settled into what had become normal to me now.

I would watch him sleep every single night, praying that I could take his place.


	12. Chapter 12: Workplace woes part 1

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Chapter 12: Workplace woes part 1

J POV

"Ahhh!"

I ran into the bathroom as soon as I heard the cry of pain. Brian was bent double over the bathroom sink, clutching at his side.

I was immediately by his side with my arms around him, helping him up.

"Sunshine, I'm not a fucking invalid." Brian berated, but there was humour in his voice. He removed my arms from around himself and straightened up almost effortlessly.

"Yes, you are." I reminded him, trying to sound playful too. But there was still that nagging worry in the back of my mind that I tried to suppress since Brian had told me his plans for the day.

"I just dropped my tie." He told me, still grinning. "I don't need help...although it is fun to have a slave waiting on my every need..."

I let Brian trail off into his own thought process as I tried to convince myself that he was fine.

Brian had been talking about going back to work for a while now and when he'd said it at first I was still worried, but it seemed innocent enough because it had seemed like a while away.

But now, _right_ now, Brian was putting on an expensive suit and was about to walk out of the loft and I wouldn't be able to keep an eye on him.

I stood behind Brian as he slung the aforementioned tie around his neck and began to slowly work out the kinks in his shoulder muscles. Despite Brian's carefree attitude today the physical effects were betraying him.

But he didn't seem so bad today, Brian was having good days and bad days and according to his doctor the other day he was definitely getting stronger.

Strong enough to go back to work.

I _wanted_ Brian to go back to work, I really did. I knew how much he wanted just a tiny bit of normalcy in his life and I wanted that for him too.

It was this thought I had to cling to to let Brian out of the loft today.

"Have a nice day, today." I told him, as he went to leave the loft.

"Thanks dear, have a nice day too." He drawled sarcastically, but I couldn't help but feel like there was a note of genuine care in the sentence. Brian kissed me on the forehead and then he was gone.

I leant against the door for a long moment just breathing.

_You can't control Brian, _I had to keep reminding myself, _it's a part of his charm..._

…

B POV

There's one thing about cancer that you notice pretty quickly, it's that you have good days and bad days.

Today was a bad day.

Just my fucking luck to have a bad day when I want to go back to work.

But I did it, though, I thought maybe I couldn't but I had. I gotten out of the loft, into the 'Vette and I was on my way back to Kinnetik.

I'd left Ted in charge for way to long and I couldn't spend another minute in the loft, plus I want to give Sunshine at least a few hours without worrying about me.

I don't think he noticed anything too bad this morning, I had dropped my tie and when I bent down to pick it up I got that shitty pulling pain and shouted out.

Then Sunshine was by my side in a second, of course he was.

I'd pretended I was just fine, though. I knew he'd never let me go to work if he thought I was in loads of pain...well, he wouldn't have liked it anyway.

But I couldn't focus on things like that. I'd seen my doctor and he'd said I was making progress...

this was a good thing.

…

This was such a bad fucking thing.

It made me wonder why I even attempted to come to work today...I should have listened to Sunshine. This was all wrong.

"Brian, are you okay?" Asked Ted, crossing my office with files in hand, to where I was standing, bent double beside my desk.

"I'm fine!" I very near fucking barked at him. Straightening up immediately and trying to pretend that it didn't hurt like hell.

It was like some sadistic bastard had hooks in my stomach lining and was turning them really, _really _slowly.

"Brian, you don't look so good." Ted continued.

I sighed loudly in response but somehow I couldn't bring myself to shout at him again. It might have been the genuine concern in Ted's voice or it might have been because I was so fucking tired I didn't want to say anything.

"Brian...?"

I was about to bring myself to answer, make up some lie about food poisoning or some shit. But when I opened my mouth to speak I could feel the bile rising up in my throat. I turned and clapped a hand over my mouth.

"Jesus, Brian! You look white as a sheet..."

But I didn't hear anything else after that because I had bolted to the bathroom adjacent to my office and spewed my guts into the toilet. My throat burned as I threw up a few more times.

After that, I leant against the cold tiles of the bath room for a few long moments, getting my breath back.

I heaved myself painfully to my feet and walked out of the bath room. Making sure the hand clutching my side was gone by the time I reached my office again.

I was met by Ted holding a tall glass of water and I felt something close to affection surge up in my stomach. Knowing my luck though, it was probably just more vomit.

I flashed Ted a weak smile and took the offered glass and downed half of it in one go. Sighing contently as the cool liquid slid down my throat.

I walked past Ted and sat back down heavily in my chair.

He followed my every step like a lost puppy.

"Brian, what the...?"

"Food poisoning." I murmured half-heartedly before letting my head fall into my hands. I knew what it was. It was the _fear._

It was the constant having to pretend I wasn't in pain and not being able to crawl into bed when I needed to or have the freedom to throw up in my own toilet.

I should have listened to Sunshine.

I couldn't cope, I wasn't strong enough.

I sighed heavily in defeat as I realised there was only one thing I could do.

…

I sat in the financial aid office and stared at the middle aged, tubby guy in a badly fitting suit stare down at my documents thoroughly, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat the whole time.

I was uncomfortable with the whole setting.

"So, Mr Kinney, you're interested in some sort of..."

"Benefit." I said through gritted teeth. Why did he have to make me fucking say it?

He nodded like he hadn't noticed though. "And what is your current situation?" He carried on diligently, I had to give him credit. I was sure the look I was giving him could kill.

"I...I'm suffering will an illness at the moment and I find myself, incapa...incapable of working at the moment."

He nodded again and looked up at me again. "And what illness is this?"

I stared dejectedly at the floor as I had to say the word.

"Cancer."

He stared at me for a long moment after that with sympathy and I was too tired to care. Although I probably would have found the energy to punch him if he told me he was "sorry."

But he didn't say anything like that. He said something much worse.

"Very well, Mr Kinney. You'll need to file for an invalidity benefit."

And this was the moment where I could have punched him.

I. Wasn't. A. Fucking. Invalid.

I left the office not too long after that. Justin would be home from his late class soon and I wanted to meet him at the loft.

I didn't know if I should tell him about this benefit...at this point in the plot line I'd definitely realised that lying to Justin wasn't an option, it was just...

it was another part of my pride I was saying goodbye too.

_Part 2 up soon..._


	13. Chapter 13: Workplace woes part 2

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

A/N: I know the account Brian is dealing with in Kinnetik in this chapter is something that happened earlier on in the series, but in my QAF universe, it seemed a lot more fitting here x

Chapter 13: Workplace woes part 2

B Pov

I'd had a long, sleepless night thinking about everything, literally like a thousand thoughts going through my head at once.

Invalidity benefit.

My head was again marred with that crazy fucking thought I'd had not to long ago...was it worth it? Not dealing with the cancer, that's not what I meant.

I mean, is it worth even trying to salvage what little pride I have left in my life? I mean, when I'm not in pain, I'm drugged up, and when I'm not drugged up, I'm tired. On a really bad day I'm in pain, I'm drugged up and I'm tired all at the same time.

How long before my hallucinations turn into nightmares?

How long before I see the face of Jack Kinney staring back at me?

Some times I wondered who I was putting a front up for, but then I always remembered that I was doing it for me.

Yeah, I was doing it for me.

I'm going back to work.

...

J Pov

Brian was epically pissed off last night and I still have no idea why. He muttered something about Ted leaving the place in fucking shambles, but after that he'd just stomped off to bed.

I tried to look at the positives though, he hadn't said anything about being in pain or tired or anything...maybe Brian's first day back at Kinnetik had been a success?

Well, whatever his first day had been like, he was going back to work today. That had to mean something, right?

I just prayed that he wasn't keeping anything from me any more, this whole situation is too scary and too vital for me to be left in the dark.

…

B Pov

"Mr. Kinney, would you mind telling me what the hell this is?"

"Of course." I answered , as blasé and as confidently as I could. "This is the new look I want for your company," he addressed the representative for Remson Pharmaceuticals.

"Why in God's name would you want posters telling people they're going to feel like hell?" He exclaimed, gesturing to the poster boards I had artfully strewn across the room saying that very thing.

I turned away from the room for a second and rubbed my tired eyes. Partly because I was tired but partly because I didn't know how I was going to explain my reasoning to this idiot, it all made sense in my head.

Well, it would.

When I turned back they were all staring intently at me. I was about to open my mouth to speak but thankfully didn't when I felt a wave of nausea through my entire body.

I tried not to stumble back from the shock of it and kept my mouth firmly closed until it subsided.

It wouldn't have been so bad if Cynthia in the corner of the room hadn't looked at me worriedly.

"Listen," I began finally, when I realised I wasn't gonna projectile vomit over everyone.

"I think you should be honest about the pharmaceuticals you're giving people," I told him earnestly, "people _do _feel like hell some days, and they know it. They don't wanna be able to climb a mountain, they just wanna feel okay."

It would suck less if every word that came out of my mouth wasn't truth. And it would definitely suck less if I wasn't speaking from experience.

The board of people all began to confer with each other and Cynthia grinned at me from across the room, I was about to return it when I felt the wave of nausea come over me again, but this time it was way more fucking intense. This time my vision started to blur...and I couldn't breathe...

...

"Brian! Brian! Speak to me! Are you alright?"

"God, Cynthia...! Shut up..." I half-moaned. The first thing I heard when I came too were her insistent words in my ear, as if I didn't have enough of a head ache.

"Brian!" She exclaimed when she heard me talk, "you're okay!"

Barely.

"What..happened?" I asked, trying to sit up, Cynthia helped me into a sitting position and I realised that we were alone in my office and I was lying on the couch.

"What happened?" I asked again, this time I realised that my voice sounded as groggy as I felt.

"You passed out." Cynthia told me, "you went really pale, then you started to shake and then you hit the floor."

"Jesus." I moaned quietly, my hand feeling my forehead. "I feel like shit."

"You look like shit, too." Cynthia told me bluntly, causing me to laugh suddenly. "Come on, I'm taking you to the hospital."

I shook my head with what little strength I had. "No, Cyn. I'll be fine...believe me, I only passed out."

"Brian, I've known you for years and I've never known you to "just pass out" before. Now, I'm taking you to the hospital and that's that."

It suddenly occurred to me that Cynthia was acting like a mother to me, that made me laugh again. It almost made me feel better.

…

When I was sat in the office at the hospital of my usual Doctor, waiting for him to arrive, something else about the last hour suddenly occurred to me.

Cynthia hadn't asked if there had been anything wrong with me that I was aware of already. She'd just kind of assumed it was some random illness.

That definitely made me feel better.

I looked up as my doctor walked into the room and sat behind the desk.

"Hello, Brian," he said with a kind of serene calm, "you were brought here because you passed out?"

I rolled my eyes, "yeah, but barely. My friend just over-reacted." I laughed slightly and expected him to do the same, but he instead looked at me with a sort of carefully cultivated sympathy, like he had been planning out what he was going to say to me for a while.

"What?" I asked immediately, raising my eyebrows, "my friend wasn't over-reacting?"

"I'm glad she brought you in, Brian," he told me honestly, "Brian, listen," he leaned forward, "if you keep working yourself into a state of exhaustion, it will be very detrimental to your long term health."

I leaned forward to my doctor and clasped my hands together, I stared at them for a moment until I spoke.

"Doctor...I don't work myself into a state of exhaustion, I was just standing and talking."

That cultivated sympathy was back again, "well, maybe you might think about taking it easy for a while? Maybe taking some time off? You can always get someone else to take care of your business."

"Listen-" I told him, initiating eye contact, I tried not to let the desperation out into my voice, but I think a bit of it shined through regardless. "- I _need_ to work, I need to provide. Without my job...I have no dignity left at all."

"I understand, Brian, I really do," he assured me, "and I completely understand how frustrated you are...but if you want any chance of surviving this, you need to stop working."

I leant back then, and closed my eyes. No fucking choice, apparently.

…

I walked through Kinnetik for a while that night, running my hands along all the surfaces. I had many memories of winning a lot of accounts here, even some things Sunshine and I had gotten up to...but I also had a lot of memories of the old bath house that used to be here. This business was, in every sense of the phrase, a part of me.

I stopped at my office and checked my desk, just to make sure I hadn't left anything there. I looked around my office for a moment, then gave my desk a farewell pat.

Then I turned to Cynthia and the man standing beside her.

The man looked bored, Cynthia looked worried.

"Brian, are you sure you want to do this?"

I looked at her for a moment and felt that twinge of guilt about her having to give up her job, but I had to do this, I knew I did.

Plus, Cynthia was excellent, she could get a job anywhere.

"I have to," I told her quietly, and she just nodded at me.

I turned to the man beside her, "keep her maintained," I told him seriously, "I want Kinnetik in a good condition when I come back."

"Yes, sir." He nodded, but he still looked bored and turned to walk away.

As me and Cynthia walked towards the door of my office she was trying to smile.

"Hey," she said, getting my attention, "as soon as you get back on your feet, I'll be right back as your assistant again."

I smiled at her, feeling oddly comforted.

"Oh, I'll be back." I told her. But as I turned the light off in my office, I had a very defeatist feeling that Kinnetik would just go to dust.


	14. Chapter 14: A helping hand

Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Chapter 14: A helping hand

J Pov

Brian hasn't spoken at all this morning, like he didn't speak at all last night. The only words he said to me last night were;

"_I shut Kinnetik down."_

"_What...? Why?"_

"_Not now, Sunshine. I need to sleep."_

And that had been it. I was angry with him for not telling me anything more than that, and for brushing me off so easily. But I wasn't stupid, I could see it in his eyes. That soul crushing look that told me he'd given up.

He'd given up fighting for his business because he didn't think he could go on.

It was horrible, it was unreal. Brian had worked _so hard_ for Kinnetik, the only reason he'd lost his job at Vanguard in the first place was because he'd stood up to a homophobic asshole hellbent on sending all of us to the fucking slaughterhouse.

There were so many things in this situation that were just _unfair,_ I felt like a childish idiot for putting it in black and white like that, but it was just true. Everything about this was so fucking unfair.

When Brian told me he'd shut down Kinnetik and then disappeared off to bed, I sat down on the sofa and cried.

I cried for about twenty minutes, fat, silent tears sliding down my cheeks and congregating onto one wet puddle on my jeans. I've never cried like that before, usually it's just large wailing sobs and not that much liquid.

But it was like I was channelling Brian through me, like they were his tears and not mine.

Now it was midday and Brian was in the kitchen making coffee, he hadn't said anything at all. He hadn't even given me one of those tired little smiles I was used to nowadays. The one that said, _morning Sunshine, I'm feeling shitty but nothing I can't handle._

I didn't try and talk to Brian out of respect of his privacy, in a weird way he was grieving the loss of something he created through sheer will and mind power, I suspect it was the closest thing to a child Brian ever thought he'd get to.

But the other reason I didn't try to talk to him about it, and I didn't even see the logic in this myself, was _fear._

Genuine fear that I didn't want to hear what he had to tell me. I didn't _want_ Brian to open up and tell me the truth, in this case I'd be happy with a lie because I was too weak to take anything else.

I was afraid that Brian closing Kinnetik was a catalyst for him giving up altogether.

I was terrified of it, terrified of him telling me that he gave up on his job and now he was gonna give up on his treatment...or his medication or some shit like that, I was terrified he was going to tell me there was no fucking point.

If that was the case, I guess I'd have to deal with it in some way. Shove his medication down his throat if I needed too, but right now, I wasn't strong enough.

I had Daph, and that was great, but aside from that I was alone.

I had to leave him in his silence for now until I could handle what he was going to tell me, I had to try and keep calm and figure out how the hell to deal with it.

I needed time to sort it all out in my head and rediscover whatever had kept me going so far.

I just wasn't strong enough!

…I wasn't strong enough.

…

"I suppose you're confused."

I turned my head immediately to the source of the sound behind me, Brian was standing there, leaning against one of the pillars. He had his arms loosely crossed and was looking at me with that stare, the one that made me come undone.

"What do you mean?" I asked, fake-innocently, returning to my sketchpad and shading in the bark of the willow tree that was part of my meadow scene.

"You know what I mean." Brian told me, not sounding angry, just tired.

I placed my pencil down and turned again to look at him, he hadn't moved.

"Don't think I don't look at you and see the cogs of your brain spinning." Began Brian, sounding serious. "Because I do, sometimes it's all I see."

I sighed to myself, I had momentarily forgotten how perceptive Brian was.

I closed my sketchpad and turned fully in my seat so I was facing him without craning my neck.

"So I am a little confused." I told him honestly, my voice sounding a lot more testy than I expected.

"You shut your business down." I explained pointlessly when it became apparent Brian was not going to answer me.

"Why?"

Brian moved away from the pillar, he sat opposite me and his features relaxed a fraction.

"I can't do it, Sunshine. I figured you'd get that. I'm ill, you were the one to tell me to take it easy in the first place."

"That's true," I told Brian honestly, "but I didn't mean give up everything you've worked for!" I could feel myself getting worked up again but I didn't stop myself.

"What are you so afraid of, Sunshine?" Brian asked in a platonic way. "You're scared, I know that. Do you think because I've stopped working I'm gonna try and kill myself or something?"

He was on the ball again, I looked to the floor in embarrassment, aware Brian's eyes were still trained on me.

"Oh my God," he began slowly, sounding genuinely, uncharacteristically surprised. "That's exactly what you think, isn't it?"

"Yes, it's what I think!" I all but exploded, looking up at him again. "How do I know this isn't a trigger for you giving up on everything else?"

"Sunshine, I just stopped working." Brian tried to explain to me, his expression betraying nothing.

"But why?" I exploded again, "just tell me why!"

"Because I'm not strong enough." He said it quietly, sadly even. But not sad at his own words but at the fact that apparently I didn't understand.

I felt all the anger I had within me deflate and I just stared at him for a long moment, I couldn't do anything else.

Brian wasn't strong enough, of course he wasn't strong enough. I wasn't the only one stuck in that trap and I felt like such a terrible person for not realising it before.

Within seconds I was out of my seat and I wrapped myself around Brian, my arms around his neck, cradling his head in my arms.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." I kept repeating into his ear, each time the apology came out in a breathy moan, desperation tried to make me cry again.

I felt Brian's strong arms, even in his weak state, wrap them selves around me until I was in his arms.

"Sunshine, it's okay." He convinced me soothingly, "I'm sorry if I scared you. I'm sorry."

This didn't make sense, it should have been me that was apologising.

"I'm just such an idiot," I told him, "you'd think I would understand by now...I expect too much of you..."

"Sunshine." Brian suddenly cut in with full seriousness, manoeuvring us until I was at eye level with him.

"That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard, I ask too much of you. I can see it in your eyes, in your body language, it reeks from you! You're scared, you're stressed, and I just add to that."

"Why did you do it?" I asked quietly, "I don't mean why did you stop working, I mean why did you shut Kinnetik down? Why didn't you just pass it on."

Brian shrugged slightly in response. "I don't know, really. I just felt...Kinnetik should have died instead of changing."

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

Brian stared at me for a long time before sighing and talking, "the only way I can think to describe it, is when you left me for Ethan, I'd rather you just left instead of cheated."

I felt my insides turn to mush and I understood what he meant completely.

I disentangled myself from him and walked to the kitchen.

"Sunshine," I heard him call after me, "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't," I lied, "I just...needed a drink." I finished off lamely.

…

I can't believe Brian would bring that up, of all the things he could have brought up at a time like this and it had to be _that._

Jesus, I didn't want to think about that, I wanted to concentrate on getting Brian healthy again. God.

I left the loft not to long after that, I made up some bullshit excuse that even I didn't believe so I highly doubted Brian believed it either, but he didn't say anything, he just let me go.

If he was as good at reading me as he claimed then he understood I needed some time out of it, some time to get my head together.

I walked aimlessly around the block for half an hour, trying to get everything out of my head that way. Staring at the cloudy sky and at the people that didn't have all the worries I had.

I figured the fresh air might get to my head and blow all of the bad stuff out for a while, it didn't though.

If anything I had just locked my head away with my own thoughts, it was no better than being stuck in that stuffy loft listening to Brian bring up my previous adultery.

I needed a distraction, but I didn't go and see Daphne like I normally did. I went somewhere else, somewhere you went when you were in pain and you needed comforting.

Only it wasn't a scraped knee this time because I'd fallen of my bike.

It was a scraped vital organ because I'd fallen off my life.

"Justin!" My mother exclaimed happily when I knocked at her door.

"Mom!" I breathed happily, practically falling into her hug.

She hugged me happily for a long moment until I felt something shift in the air, a change.

"Justin, sweetheart, what's wrong?"

I'd been hugging her too tightly. I knew that, but I could help myself.

She broke the hug, still holding me by the arms and stared worriedly at me, "honey?" She asked again.

The logical thing would have been to brush it off and tell her I missed her, but couldn't, I just couldn't do that.

I felt my tears fall down my face like last night and held onto her tight, she didn't question it as she just stood in the doorway and held into me. She just shushed me and comforted me, telling me everything was going to be al right.

"I'm so scared, Mom, I'm so scared..." I found myself telling her in my breakdown.

"It's all going to be al right, Justin." She promised me blindly, still holding onto me. "Why don't you come inside?"

..

"Sweetheart, what happened?" She asked gently as she pressed a hot mug of tea into my hand and sat down opposite me, the concern still fresh in her eyes.

I opened my mouth, ready to talk, but then it occurred to me that I didn't know what to say, I'd promised Brian I wouldn't tell anyone, I tried to focus on the way my eyes were stinging to stop me from blurting everything out and betraying Brian's trust.

"When you and Dad broke up..." I found myself saying, "how did it feel? Not the betrayal or anything, but losing that company, that love, how did it feel?"

"Justin..." she began , looking confused. "What..."

I closed my eyes for a brief moment. "Mom, please."

She looked at me with confusion for a moment but then complied. "Well," she began slowly, "missing the company was definitely what got me the worst. The love, I don't know about that. But starting a whole new life on your own, that's terrifying."

"How did you cope?" I asked, listening intently and silently agreeing with almost every word. Unlike her relationship with Dad, there waslove between Brian and me, even if he refused to admit it.

"Honestly, I just took up a bunch of hobbies, Justin," she explained, "I focused on you and excepting your life. It was hard, but after time it sort of got better."

I looked into the depths of my cup, shuffling and sorting this information into my brain.

"Why though, Honey? Why would you need to know those things?"

I looked up to her, attempting a small smile. "I guess I never asked you before," I shrugged.

She looked concerned. "Sweetheart, are you sure you're al right?"

"Yeah," I assured her, genuinely feeling a little better, "just one of those days."

B Pov

Jesus. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, bringing up the fucking violinist. I have no clue why I did it, but it was genuinely the only way I could think in that moment to explain it to Justin.

I'm glad I did explain it to Justin, though.

Glad I cleared the air a bit.

I knew he was thinking something, you could practically hear his brain working in the air. When I suggested he thought I was giving up, I was kidding, then I was actually fucking right.

He scared the shit out of me, he really did. He thought I was gonna...what, what did he think? I would stop going to the hospital? I would try and end it?

In my head it was just such an easy concept but apparently not one that everyone got.

I didn't want Kinnetik going to someone else, and I didn't think that it was stupid because that was something I had worked for, that was the very reason I was doing it, for Christs sake.

It was what I had worked for. _Me._

I wasn't going to hand her over to someone who did none of the work and didn't deserve the backlash of my glory.

Yeah, it hurt like hell, but I was just being practical. I was doing what the kid fucking wanted and I was still doing wrong.

Well maybe in this moment right now I was doing right. I had to be. No one could disagree with themselves so much and yet still have the nagging feeling it needed to be done without the act itself being the right thing to do.

If this wasn't the right thing then the fuck if I know what it actually is.

But I was sat here al right, I was doing it. I'd fought with myself but forced myself.

I was here, I was sat inside the tax aid office waiting for the man to come back with the damn forms.

I was going to apply for a benefit, sign the forms and hope it would make my life a hell of a lot easier. Not just my life, Sunshine's life too.

It was something I had to do, after all, a man needs to know when to ask for help.

"Mr Kinney?" The man asked, coming back in and placing the invalidity benefit application forms in front of me. "The forms are fairly self explanatory," he explained, "'I'll leave you alone to make your decision." Then he was gone again.

Not that he should have, I just wanted to fill out the forms and be done with it and out of the building, I'd al ready made the fucking decision, life had al ready made the fucking decision for me.

I picked up the form, glanced down at it and then everything stopped. All I could see where those words, invading every part of my peripheral vision. Big, black words screaming up at me and changing everything.

**For Those Who Need A Helping Hand.**

A fucking helping hand? I could feel the anger literally tearing my stomach. I didn't need anyone's help, I didn't need anyone's God damn sympathy.

Without thinking, without even being slightly logical, I stood up immediately and walked out of the tax aid office, throwing the forms aggressively in the trash can on the way out.


End file.
