


Queer As Folk ! My Favourite Quotes

by Lupin-73276



Category: Queer as Folk
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-23
Updated: 2011-05-23
Packaged: 2015-01-28 06:43:44
Rating: M
Chapters: 22
Words: 3,600
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7014918/1/
Author URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1917283/Lupin-73276
Summary: Just a list of my favourite quotes from each episode of all the seasons. I put them on here so I could share my favourites, and maybe hear about yours. They also might come in handy for a story, if you need dialogue from the show. x Only season 1 so far.





	1. Season 1 Episode 1

_Season 1 Episode 1; Premiere._

**xxxxx**

Michael; "The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true, in fact they say men think about sex every 28 seconds. Of course, that's straight men, with gay men it's every 9."

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Unless, of course, you're Brian Kinney. Then it's 'Who gives a fuck what you think you're lucky to have me.'"

**xxxxx**

Brian; "I got bored."

Emmett; "I know, getting your dick sucked can be so tedious."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "Where you headed?"

Justin; "No place special."

Brian; "I can change that."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "So, are you coming or going? Or coming, then going? Or coming and staying?"

**xxxxx**

Brian; "I'm Superman! I'll show you the world!"

Michael; "Why am I always Louis Lane?"

**xxxxx**

Michael; "What did you take?"

Brian; "A-B-C-D-E-E-E."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "I'll see you in your dreams."

**xxxxx**

Justin; "I just saw the face of God. His name is Brian Kinney."

**xxxxx**


	2. Season 1 Episode 2

_Season 1 Episode 2; Queer, There and Everywhere._

**xxxxx**

Justin; "She's not my sister. She's a bacterial infection for which I hope one day they find a cure."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "There are only two kinds of straight people in this world, the ones who hate you to your face and the ones who hate you behind your back."

**xxxxx**

Brian; (Looking in the mirror) "I'd fuck you."

**xxxxx**

George aka. Mr Goodfuck; "I don't mind a threesome. Only he's kinda young."

Brian; "He's also kinda leaving."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "He's my stalker."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "I don't believe in love, I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and the minimum of bullshit. Love is something straight people tell themselves they're in so that they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, go find yourself a pretty little girl, and get married."

**xxxxx**


	3. Season 1 Episode 3

_Season 1 Episode 3; No Bris, No Shirt, No Service._

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Seeing them in their new house, with a new baby, with their arms around each other I wished for a moment that I too could be a lesbian. Then I remembered that I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it."

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "Nothing for me."

Debbie; "Em, honey. You should try to eat some of your protein off a plate."

Emmett; "I read that for every 30 pounds you lose you gain an entire inch of cock."

Debbie; "So you just need to lose 90 pounds and you'll have a 4 inch pecker!"

**xxxxx**

Michael; "He's over there talking to my Mother, the little prick."

Brian; "Leave him alone. He's alright."

Michael; "Excuse me, the noise is so loud in here I thought I heard you say 'he's alright'."

Brian; "In fact, he's kind of sweet."

Michael; "Sweet?"

**xxxxx**


	4. Season 1 Episode 4

_Season 1 Episode 4; Ted's Not Dead._

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "What about you Brian? What'd you do?"

Brian; (Smirks) "I made an early evening."

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Touché."

Emmett; "in this case, tushy."

**xxxxx**

Debbie; "I've always said it's not who you love it's how you love. Genitalia is just God's way of accessorising."

**xxxxx**

Justin; "I'll go to New York, become a hustler and sell my body to gross old homos."

Vic; "I'll give you 20 bucks." (Debbie hits him) "I'm saving him the train fare."

**xxxxx**

Vic; "And if I go it'll look a little … Fagin and Oliver Twist.

**xxxxx**

Ted's Mom; "When ever you're feeling alone and no one loves you, it's not true, because I do."

**xxxxx**


	5. Season 1 Episode 5

_Season 1 Episode 5; Now Approaching … The Line._

**xxxxx**

Justin; "I like dick, I wanna get fucked by dick, I wanna suck dick, I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it too."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "It's amazing how you can work anal intercourse into the conversation."

**xxxxx**

Emmett; (Brian hits Emmett gently on the back of the head) "Don't touch me."

**xxxxx**

Jennifer; "I'm still your mother, and you're still my son, and I still love you."

**xxxxx**


	6. Season 1 Episode 6

_Season 1 Episode 6; The Art Of Desperation._

**xxxxx**

Brian; "I tune out self pity, it makes my dick soft."

**xxxxx**

Daphne; "Hi, I'm not a lesbian, but I'm a big fan."

**xxxxx**

Ted; "They have an 'Over 30' night."

Emmett; "Where? At the morgue?"

**xxxxx**

David; "You're not an asshole."

Michael; "Believe me I've seen assholes an- … That's not what I mean."

**xxxxx**

Brian; (Smirks) "Good, give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me."

Justin; "Don't flatter your self." (Brian's smirk falls)

Melanie; (Laughs) "We like Justin, Justin can stay."

**xxxxx**

Justin; "What are you doing? She thinks you're a lesbian."

Daphne; "Well, can't I be one of the cool people too?"

Justin; "You're a freak."

Daphne; (Grins)

**xxxxx**


	7. Season 1 Episode 7

_Season 1 Episode 7; Smells Like Codependence._

**xxxxx**

David; "What'd you say?"

Debbie; (Yells from downstairs) "Say yes you little asshole or I'll disown you!"

**xxxxx**

Justin; "If you want to send me away, that's alright too. 'Cause I bet more butt-fucking goes on in boarding school than in the backroom of Babylon."

**xxxxx**

David; "What is it with him?"

Mel; "Lindsey says that it's because he'll do anything, say anything, fuck anything. No excuses, no regrets, no apologies."

**xxxxx**


	8. Season 1 Episode 8

_Season 1 Episode 8; Babylon Boomerang._

**xxxxx**

Debbie; "They're not ready to think of you sucking cock and taking it up the ass."

**xxxxx**

Vic; "Get out of those clothes and back in your moo moo."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "So in other words for Justin to live here, with you, he has to deny who he is, what he thinks, and how he feels."

Craig; "I didn't ask for your opinion pal."

Brian; "Well, that's not love, that's hate.

**xxxxx**

Debbie; "What can I say?"

Vic; "I'm sure you'll think of something."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "It's not lying if they make you lie."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "So, what's for dinner?"

Justin; "Jambalaya, from last night."

Brian; (Eats a spoonful) "It's not bad."

Justin; (Smiles) "It's always better the second day."

**xxxxx**


	9. Season 1 Episode 9

_Season 1 Episode 9; Daddy Dearest (Sonny Boy)_

**xxxxx**

Brian; "What are you doing here? I thought it was a school night."

Justin; "You're here."

Brian; "I'm a grown-up."

Justin; "Barely."

**xxxxx**

Melanie; "I'd forgotten that I was different, until I was so thoughtfully reminded."

**xxxxx**

Michael; "So that's it, it's over."

David; "What's over? I want you to move in with me."

Michael; (wide-eyed look that clearly says 'what the fuck?')

**xxxxx**


	10. Season 1 Episode 10

_Season 1 Episode 10; Queens On The Road._

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "Oh honey, I'm so happy for you! So when did he ask you?"

Michael; "Last week."

Emmett; "Last week. Last week?"

**xxxxx**

Ted; "As long as the backseat's empty I might as well be in it."

Emmett; "Yeah, yeah. Count me in."

Brian; "Why do you guys wanna go?"

Emmett; "Why?"

Ted; "How can you even ask that?"

Emmett; "Brian you're one of our closest friends."

Ted; "We can't let you go off on this perilous journey all on your own."

Emmett; "We are going to be with you all the way."

Brian; "I'm really touched. What's real the reason?"

Ted & Emmett; "Road trip, road trip, road trip, road trip, road trip!"

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "Or I can change a tire."

Brian; (Laughs) "You cannot change a tire."

Emmett; "I know you all just think of me as this nelly retail queen, but it just so happens that I make it my business to know everything about lug nuts."

**xxxxx**


	11. Season 1 Episode 11

_Season 1 Episode 11; Surprise!_

**xxxxx**

Debbie; "The customers love him, his ass gets more compliments than the burgers."

Ted; "That's because his buns are fresh."

**xxxxx**

Debbie; "You call David right now and apologise for whatever it is you did."

Michael; "What makes you think I did anything?"

Debbie; "I'm your Mother."

**xxxxx**

Ted; "Did you know that there's ten ways to please your man without opening your mouth? Huh, go figure."

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "I prayed, and told God that if I were negative I would never have sex with another man, and I'm negative. So I can never touch another man again."

Ted; (Raises an eyebrow) "Uh-huh."

**xxxxx**


	12. Season 1 Episode 12

_Season 1 Episode 12; Move It Or Lose It._

**xxxxx**

Tracy; "People who laugh at jokes that make fun of other people, whoever they are, are ignorant and cruel."

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "Excuse me, I'm gonna go home. It's always nicer to vomit in your own toilet."

**xxxxx**


	13. Season 1 Episode 13

_Season 1 Episode 13; Very Stupid People._

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "I've decided that I need to explore the part of me that isn't gay."

Ted; "And what part, pray tell, would that be?"

**xxxxx**


	14. Season 1 Episode 14

_Season 1 Episode 14; A Change Of Heart._

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "I don't think that God appreciates it as much as you."

Ted; "I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created you in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love, and God doesn't make mistakes then you must be exactly they way he wants you to be. The way he intended you to be. That goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, ever tear, and every faggot. We're all his, Emmett. And he loves us all."

**xxxxx**

Ted; "I'll always remember how he used to say 'It's just not sex without -"

Emmett; "Without something up your butt."

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "I told them some of us are meant to eat pussy. And some of us are meant to suck cock. But either way, God loves us."

Heather; "They agreed that God loves us."

Emmett; "Um, and then they told us to get the fuck out."

Ted; "And you're really back."

Emmett; "Honey, my flame had been rekindled and is burning brighter than ever."

**xxxxx**


	15. Season 1 Episode 15

_Season 1 Episode 15; The Ties That Bind._

**xxxxx**

Justin; "Don't' worry, I'll keep an eye on him too."

Brian; "I don't need you too keep an eye on him."

Justin; "I meant you."

**xxxxx**

Michael; "If God wanted me on ice he would have made me vodka martini."

**xxxxx**


	16. Season 1 Episode 16

_Season 1 Episode 16; French Fried._

**xxxxx**

Justin; "Fortunately I have youth on my side. I can stay up all night fucking and still score 1500 on my SATs."

Brian; "1500?"

Justin; "Yep."

Brian; "Wow. You could get into any school you wanted with a score like that."

Justin; "I applied to Dartmouth, Brown …"

Brian; "Are you going out of state?"

Justin; "Why, do you give a shit?"

Brian; "It's just the first I've heard about it, that's all."

Justin; "You do. You give a shit. You give a shit!" (They pull up outside St James) "You so care about me, you love me so much!"

Brian; "Get the fuck out."

Justin; "Brian Kinney gives a shit!"

Brian; "Fuck you!"

**xxxxx**

Justin; "Well listen up now that your hearing has returned, this queer says 'Fuck you!' "

**xxxxx**

Brian; "'The Gay-Straight Student Alliance', lets all live together. Power to the people. Peace. That's boring as shit."

Justin; "I could take out an Uzi and shot everyone. That would be exciting."

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "'Money is like manure, it isn't worth anything unless you spread it around, encouraging things to grow'."

**xxxxx**

Justin; "Hey. Hey! You guys see him. We go to school together, his name's Chros Hobbs. He just called me a 'faggot'."

Crowd; "Boo!"

Justin; "You see Chris doesn't like faggots."

Chris; "Shut up Taylor."

Justin; "Or maybe he likes them more than he thinks."

Chris; "I said shut up!"

Justin; "He let me jerk him off. The faggot gave Chris Hobbs a hand job! He loved it."

Chris; "You're fucked!" (Leaves)

Ted; "I can't believe you just did that."

Emmett; "You go Baby." (Kisses Justin's temple)

Brian; "Congratulations. You just made your self, a real enemy."

**xxxxx**


	17. Season 1 Episode 17

_Season 1 Episode 17; Solution (How TLFKAM Got Her Name Back)_

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Here we are in front of Napoleon's tomb."

Emmett; (Whispers) "Lucky him, he's dead."

(Brian and Justin are kissing on the couch in front of Debbie)

Debbie; (Hits Brian) "Would you two cut it out?"

Michael; "Ma, you're interrupting."

Debbie; "Well, I hate it when couples make out in front of you."

Brian; "It's French. We're frenching." (Goes back to kissing Justin)

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Fin, that means 'the end'."

Emmett; "Bon, that means 'good'."

David; "Well, I hope everyone wasn't too bored." (Ruffles Ted's hair, who is just waking up after falling asleep during the slide show)

Ted; "Are you kidding? I haven't been that entertained since Gandhi."

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Would anyone like some _vin rouge_?"

Ted; "Lucy, you wouldn't know the difference between _vin rouge _and Listerine."

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Oh, try the brie."

Debbie; "Tastes like cum. Where's the cheddar?"

**xxxxx**

Debbie; "I forgot. He just eats, sleeps and jerks off here. I'll keep my big mouth shut."

Justin; (Turns to Jennifer) "Mom, this isn't about me, or even what happened at school. It's about speaking out, demanding to be heard, whether people want to hear you or not."

**xxxxx**

Principle; "Mrs Taylor, there are more important lessons to learn …"

Jennifer; "Than tolerance?"

**xxxxx**

Ted; "We figure our invitation got lost in the mail."

Emmett; "Damn the postal service. I'm going to write to my senator."

Justin; "You don't have to. She's here."

Ted & Emmett; "Oh." (Put their hands to their mouths in fake shock)

**xxxxx**

Michael; "This is a private benefit. You can't just break in."

Vic; "Break in? We're family. Not bandits."

**xxxxx**

Guy; "I'm not into leather."

Ted; "Hey, you know, neither was I. Until I ran into this old school friend who shackled me in his dungeon and made me his suck pig."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "Give me my kid, or I'll shove that zucchini up your ass."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "Well don't think you've won. That it's over. 'Cause the second you do that you're dead."

Justin; "Not as long as I have you to protect me."

**xxxxx**


	18. Season 1 Episode 18

_Season 1 Episode 18; Surprise Kill._

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Do you happen to be a quarterback?"

Trick; "No, why?"

Michael; "'Cause you intercepted me like a football."

Trick; "When I see what I want I grab it and I run with it."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "And here I thought I was finally rid of you."

Justin; "Not until I say so!"

Michael; "Ohh."

Emmett; (Laughs)

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "Hey, what happened to hunkalicious?"

Michael; "He tried to drag me into the back room."

Ted; "The nerve, treating you like you're a piece of meat."

Emmett; (Whispers to Ted) "Gave me a hard-on."

Ted; (Whispers back) "Likewise."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "To Dartmouth. And your bright shining future, as Pittsburgh's new Andy Carnegie."

Justin; "I'll drink to that."

Brian; "Only I thought you were gonna be the next Andy Warhol."

Justin; "I changed my mind."

Brian; "And after all the trouble I went to, to make you the best homosexual I could. I can't believe you'd blow it … And with the flimsiest excuse 'I've caused my parents enough pain', how can you even stand there and look me in the eye?"

Justin; "It's true."

Brian; "It's bullshit. They cause their own pain, just like every body else. And now you're giving up everything you want just to make them happy. That is totally fucked!"

Justin; "Shut up Brian! You don't know anything!"

Brian; "I know it's scarier finding your own way than doing what's expected."

Justin; "I'm not scared."

Brian; "You're fucking terrified. Just like the night you met me. I was sure you'd run back home, but you didn't. You said 'I'm going with him'."

Justin; "I cannot believe you remember that. Considering you couldn't even remember my name."

Brian; "And look what happened …"

Justin; "Umm. I turned into a big queer."

Brian; "Lucky for you otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time. But it's too late now. There's no turning back."

**xxxxx**


	19. Season 1 Episode 19

_Season 1 Episode 19; Good Grief!_

**xxxxx**

Ted; "Gay men and straight girls sleeping together, isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "'Cause at his age he could rub against a tree and get a hard-on."

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "If you break his heart, I will break your face."

**xxxxx**


	20. Season 1 Episode 20

_Season 1 Episode 20; The King Of Babylon._

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "Hooray! Only it's starting to feel perilously like a couples night, since as I'm the only single boy left."

Brian; "Excuse me, what the fuck do you think I am?"

Justin; (Catches up to the gang and walks next to Brian) "Are we going to Babylon?"

Emmett; (Laughs)

Brian; (Pushes Emmett)

Justin; "What?"

**xxxxx**

Brian; "Check back with me in an hour."

Justin; "What? So now I'm your back up plan. Who you do when all else fails."

**xxxxx**

Justin; "You said to check back with you in an hour."

Brian; "I still have eight minutes left."

**xxxxx**

Justin; "Well, if I were you I wouldn't wait too long, by then I may have other plans."

**xxxxx**

Sheba aka The Queen Of Babylon; "Boys and boys. The next contestant love the Power Puff girls, margaritas and older men how take him for granted. Here's Justin!"

**xxxxx**

Brent; "I met someone new."

Emmett; "New? We've only been together an hour and forty-five minutes."

**xxxxx**

Brent; "I'll remember you. Always."

Emmett; "Yeah? How long is that? 'Til tomorrow?"

**xxxxx**

Sheba; "Everybody down on your knees, where I know you all want to be. For the new King of Babylon. His Royal Highness, Justin!"

**xxxxx**

Brian; "I thought we had plans."

Justin; (Scoffs) "You couldn't do better, I told you I might have plans too."

Shawn (the Trick); "What's his problem?"

Justin; "He's just my stalker."

Shawn; "I suppose we could have a three way, only he's kinda old.

Justin; (Laughs) "We're also kinda leaving."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "So, how was he?"

Justin; "He had the greatest ass, I brought him back, fucked him all night. I think my dick's gonna be sore for a week."

Brian; "That's enough."

Michael; "Actually, I'd like to hear more."

Ted; "Speak slowly and enunciate." (Brian flicks Ted's hand)

Justin; "He gave great head. He wanted me to fuck him with my crown on, which was kinda kinky."

Ted; (Laughs)

Justin; "After a while though he got really clingy. He want to know when he could see me again …"

Brian; "So, what'd you tell him?"

Justin; (Huffs a laugh) "I told him that he could see me in his dreams."

(Brian and Justin smile at each other)

Emmett; "So, who's up for the absolute abs contest?"

**xxxxx**


	21. Season 1 Episode 21

_Season 1 Episode 21; Running To Stand Still._

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Stop Brian? Right. Next, we can take on Starbucks."

**xxxxx**

Michael; "The things my tongue could do to his nipples. That is if I was single."

Ted; "Right there with you. Only I'd go for his abs."

Emmett; "I'd like to thank you boys for leaving me the most tender, delectable morsel."

**xxxxx**

Justin; "This is disgusting. Really sick."

Brian; "What? Are you looking at those hetero prom sites again? They'll warp your young mind."

**xxxxx**


	22. Season 1 Episode 22

_Season 1 Episode 22; Full Circle._

**xxxxx**

Brian; "Did I die?"

Ted; "No, but you'll wish you had. You're 30."

(All laugh)

**xxxxx**

Ted; "Your official membership to The Dead Faggots Society."

Brian; "Who are you? The fucking founding father."

Ted; (Laughs) "Oh, you know you really are gonna need to get some new material. Now that you are one of us."

**xxxxx**

Michael; "Wait. Shouldn't he make a wish first?"

Emmett; "Oh, hon. He already did. He's still 30."

**xxxxx**

Mel; "Who wants some Deathday cake? Deathday cake?"

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "As Martha Stewart says 'When life gets you down, have a party.'"

**xxxxx**

Ted; "Flannel. Isn't that like lesbian lingerie?"

**xxxxx**

Emmett; "Well honey, if you ever want to come home you just click your heels three times."

**xxxxx**

Brian; "If I want to experience the joys of scarfing what the hell business is it of yours?"

Michael; "It's my business because I'm the one who'll get the call saying that the goddamned cleaning lady's found you hanging from the rafters with a fucking boner!"

**xxxxx**

Michael; "You'll always be young, and you'll always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney for fuck's sake!"

**xxxxx**

Mel; "Jesus, I could go for you myself."

Linds; "If I don't beat you to him."

**xxxxx**

Justin; "It was the best night of my life."

Brian; "Even if it was ridiculously romantic."

**xxxxx**


End file.
